Iris Ruth Pastor's Blog, page 25
March 26, 2021
The Most Boring Subject in the World
If you ask my husband what the most boring subject in the world is, he would sum it up in three words: my wife’s weight.
Not to me, of course. For so many years, my mood has been dictated by what the needle on the scale registers. And I have a lot of scales.
This scale is the first one I was ever weighed on. When our family pediatrician retired, he gifted me with the baby scale he used to weigh his newborn patients – including me, my brother and my sister.
Years later working at a non-profit, I was the recipient of an old-fashioned scale the organization was getting rid of. It now holds another one of my obsessions: my stack of “books to read someday.”
I also struggled with how often to actually step on the scale:
Hourly (wow, that’s really excessive)
Daily
Weekly
Monthly
Only at doctor appointments
In October, I signed up for Noom – a health app that provides articles, tools and tracking for progress in weight loss. The program dictates daily weigh-ins. Hence, I had no choice but to devise a routine: Nine AM every day, before my first cup of coffee, I strip off everything – my watch, my nightgown, my hair clips – I mean everything. Except my bikini briefs. And step on the digital truth-teller.
I quickly found that venturing on the digital scale varies little with each additional step-on and step-off. Not like the scale I owned growing up – where the needle bounced around wildly with every sway and gross movement.
How does weighing myself daily affect my mood?
Surprisingly, I have found it liberating. I may not like what it registers, but there are no BIG surprises and the next day is a new day – just twenty-four hours away.
Over the last few months, since I have been happy with my weight, my mood has correspondingly lightened. Clothes shopping is enjoyable again. Trying on clothes in my closet I haven’t dared to try on for years – well, they either fit or hang loosely.
I’m loving it.
But suddenly about two weeks ago, depression descended mightily – a depression I simply couldn’t rid myself from its clutches. Where was this heavy cloud of doom and gloom coming from?
And then I realized – the upcoming holiday of Passover was the source of my angst. Three of my five sons will be together for the first night of Passover with their wives and all my grandchildren. And my husband and I will be one thousand miles away.
Woe is me.
I tried practicing the art of gratitude.
I tried counting my many blessings.
I tried meditation. Deep breathing. Venting to a friend. (Well, a lot of friends, actually.)
Nothing helped reduce my profound sense of longing for wanting to be with them as we read the Haggadah, slurp-up the chicken soup, sip the wine and hide the Afikoman (half a piece of matzo broken in two and hidden).
And the CDC recommendations don’t assuage this untenable situation. As reported in the New York Times, experts are still unsure if vaccinated grandparents can carry Covid to the people they are visiting.
I sought to fine-tune my awareness of my sadness.
I tried to come to an understanding of my thoughts and thought processes.
I sought to look at the same situation in a different way, as I can’t change that they are there and we are here.
Finally, I figured it out and came up with a solution – obvious maybe to others right away, but not to me.
ZOOM! FaceTime. One of those should work. I’ll leave that decision to my sons. All I know is we will be part of their Seder.
Gotta run.
Have to hunt up our Haggadahs, the Seder plate, buy my brisket, bake my matzo meal muffins and decide on dessert. And I’ve got to set the table in the dining room with the good china and silver.
Next year in Connecticut.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
March 19, 2021
What Happens When You Lower Your Expectations…
When you lower your expectations
and stop trying to get
from your adult kids
what they are not programmed
to give
(that’s what best buddies
are for BTW)
When you lower your expectation,
and begin reveling
in the gifts of affection, time, forgiveness and patience
they do so readily extend
When you lower your expectations
and stop trying to control
everyone else’s actions
and instead
tend to your own
When you give
without strings
and with wild abandon
embrace what is offered
without editing, revising, yearning and tweaking
It’s surprising
how wonderfully magical
a trip to see
your out-of-town adult sons, their wives and children
can be
I can’t take credit for all my new-found fonts of wisdom.
I’ve been buoyed and aided by some very wise women who came before me:
my mother, the late Bev Levine
my mother-in-law, the late Hotche Pastor
and my aunt, the late Melva Case
Too many good buddies to list
(You know who you are)
and of course, my sister, Lori
Columnist Carolyn Hax
Authors and books:
The Giving Tree
by Shel Silverstein
Don’t Bite Your Tongue
by Dr. Ruth Nemzoff
Programs:
NOOM – the weight loss regimen that strongly fosters honest appraisal of feelings, fears, distortions and roadblocks
Movies
The character Isaac in “The Photograph” who says:
“I don’t recommend getting older. Less people to talk to
More time to go over every regret.”
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
March 12, 2021
Back to Normal in a Super-Sized Way
Last week, based on a friend’s suggestion, I asked readers to come up with two words each to describe the years 2020 and 2021.
Thank you to all who contributed their opinions. Here is a sampling of responses:
2020
Difficult, trying
Bad, persistent
Totally depressing
Physiopsychosocialspiritual challenge
Naïve population
Long, confining
Covid, pandemic
Disaster, heart-wrenching
Woefully unprepared
Challenging, dark
2021
Still early
Nonsense, annoying
Dumb corona
Cautiously optimistic
Semi-normalcy
Happily vaccinated
Hopeful, sanity
Hopeful, progressive
History bears out the intuitive feeling of optimism and hopefulness that follows a pandemic.
In 1918 and 1919, a global flu pandemic killed 675,000 Americans and in 1920 and 1921, a depression shattered the economy. What happened after? There ensued a long period of unprecedented growth, progress and prosperity, ushering in one of the most innovative periods known today as the Roaring Twenties. Historians feel the huge growth in the U.S. economy was not an anomaly. It was a return to normalcy.
The Roaring Twenties deserves its name—the U.S. economy grew by 42 percent from 1921 to 1929. But economic historians argue that the factors that made the decade so profitable were less of an anomaly than a reprieve from hardship and poverty. People simply exhaled. People gloried in the belief that anything was possible.
Life would simply never be the same. The changes after the 1918 pandemic were ubiquitous and lasting.
Fashion was impacted by the commercial rise of female fashion designers and couturiers. Think Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel, Jeanne Lanvin, Gucci, Elsa Schiaparelli and the house of Fendi.
Flapper fashion was all about getting loose and one observer noted it “applied to looser morals too.” Women’s fashion in the 1920’s centered around dresses with a drop waist, a belt or sash in the area of the hip, and a skirt above the ankle but never – heaven forbid – above the knee. Females of all ages abandoned the corset. Dresses became more revealing, with shorter sleeves and lowered bust lines.
Source: Women’s 1920s Hairstyles: An Overview
“Live for now” was the mindset. And this freedom was also reflected in hairstyles for women. Rebellion reigned against past trends focusing on long hair meticulously and complexly pinned-up. Think the Gibson Girl look.
Short cropped hair became the rage.
Men’s hair also enjoyed a shift to simplicity – becoming less “poofy” and more slicked back to achieve a flatter type of look.
Who doesn’t know who this is?????
In the 1920s, jewelry followed suit: a turn away from fussy Art Nouveau styles and a turn toward simplicity and art deco styles. Out was the mindset to “wear your wealth.” Out was the exclusive use of expensive precious stones. In was the introduction of costume jewelry – utilizing cheaper semiprecious stones and fake plastics. Long pearl necklaces abounded and the introduction of cultured “fake” pearls made this iconic piece of jewelry within reach of many women of lesser means and status.
Bright colors were in vogue. Bangles of Bakelite were embraced by the masses.
And it wasn’t just fashion that broke with tradition and where innovation flourished. The period from 1921 – 1929 ushered in the automobile, the radio, moving pictures, the refrigerator, the electric washing machine, and the jukebox. Historians say that after the pandemic people simply wanted to have fun and spend money. And they did.
Home décor also was impacted in the aftermath of the pandemic.
Brass beds rose in favor, replacing wooden bed frames, headboards and footboards. Why? Because wooden surfaces were difficult to wash down, but brass and iron beds could be cleaned easily with bleach and water.
Clawfoot tubs on legs, though picturesque, were difficult to effectively wash and clean due to multiple surfaces. Built-in tubs had edges sealed against the tiled wall on three sides. – alleviating many crevices and joints that collected dust and grime. Bright white Subway tiles were used to surround the tubs as they also were simpler to clean and maintain.
According to Dr. Jessica Spector, a Yale University professor of alcohol history, cocktails, and ethics, these new inventions brought people together like no other: “You’ve got people listening to the same music and watching the same pictures; all of a sudden people can share a culture.”
As my grandson, Benjy, reminded me: the National Football League (NFL) also began taking serious shape during this time. And football would, in the coming decades, dominate professional sports and be the impetus for great community connections among people in the U.S.
As far as health care systems, around this time, the United States began adopting employer-based insurance plans which expanded access to healthcare to the general public.
Like Covid, during the pandemic, trains were seen as an expedient vessel for transmitting disease so the general public was wary of riding on them. Editorials advised against overcrowding and cautioned citizens to avoid passenger trains as much as possible. With the waning of the Spanish Flu, large numbers of passengers once again felt safe to travel and returned to the trains as a reliable mode of transportation.
Like Covid, during the 1918-19 pandemic, mask wearing became an effective tool for fighting the virus’s spread. And masks became a sign of creativity and individual taste.
Clipping from a “The Seattle Clarion Ledger” 1918 article that opens with “Styles of wearing influenza masks today are many and weird.” (Courtesy Kimberly Alexander).
A cautionary note: there was a short post-Spanish Flu depression in 1920 and 1921, but prosperity and optimism and good times quickly returned. Normal economic growth and the normal economic business cycle roared back – lasting until the 1929 stock market crash – known as The Great Depression – silenced the roar. Will history repeat itself? Who knows. Until then….
My two words to sum up 2021:
Re-inventing, Re-birth
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
March 5, 2021
Looking backward, forward and staying in the moment
I never lack for ideas but that doesn’t mean I don’t welcome hearing other people’s ideas for my columns.
Here’s one from a friend I just had coffee with –
after not seeing for over 20 years.
Thanks JBuc.
Think quickly:
In two words, describe 2020
In two words, describe 2021
(Try to leave out profanity:)
Thank you.
Send your replies to: irisruthpastor@gmail.com
And now for this week’s column:
It’s been a roller coaster week of emotional ups and downs.
Intense and exhausting.
One family member having surgery
Plus getting the opportunity to spend time with each of my seven grandchildren after so many months of separation.
My four granddaughters and my three grandsons range in age from one year to fourteen years. And I recognize their varying degrees of connection to grandparents as they grow, change and develop:
A one-year-old’s tentativeness
A three-year-old’s adoration
Middle schoolers’ varying interest
Teenagers’ growing preoccupation with friends, social media and the outside world
When my emotions run high, as they did this week, I turn to my Calm App with Tamara Levitt to lower the intensity of my feelings. And this week, I explore more deeply some terms she recently introduced:
Sati,
Hakuna Matata,
Shamatha,
and Gluggavedur
When I first looked up Sati, I was shocked to discover that it was a Hindu practice where upon the widow throws herself upon her deceased husband’s funeral pyre and perishes too. Geez. That’s a little too much sacrifice for me.
I prefer the Buddhism Sati, which is a state of mindfulness. The first step is simply setting an intention to cultivate awareness and to return to that intention again and again. The second is observing your thoughts, feelings and sensations as they arise.
The benefits of mindfulness are many: increased self-control, objectivity, tolerance, flexibility, and equanimity plus improved concentration, mental clarity, and emotional intelligence.
Mindfulness also engenders an increase in kindness, acceptance and compassion for ourselves. It requires us to recollect our experiences with focus, clarity, compassion and acceptance. The result? A lack of judgment or interpretation of past actions viewed through a less harsh lens.
Many have first heard Hakuna Matata from The Lion King and are aware of its meaning: No worries. There are no problems here.
Worrying is a harmful habit that shows up during unwelcome times – like when we are trying to sleep. In The Lion King, Simba blames himself for his father’s death and is ashamed to go back home – a friendly cat, recognizing that Simba has to move forward, introduces him to Hakuna Matata.
Worry can be ingrained. To change, we need to notice when we are worried –– step outside of it – and question if our worry is helpful. Think of worry as useless as “a handle on a snowball.”
From the song:
Hakuna Matata!
What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata!
Ain’t no passing craze
It means no worries
For the rest of your days
Yeah, sing it, kid!
It’s our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata!
Shamatha is a Buddhist term often is translated as tranquility of the mind. This is not to be confused with the Yiddish word schmatta which is an old and ragged piece of clothing!!
Shamatha is slowing down our minds and calming down so we can observe and understand – kinda like disengaging from thinking.
Imagine dirt and water: Dirt settles and becomes less muddy. We then can see what is going on.
Shamatha focuses on the rising and falling of our breath and feeling every drawing in and releasing of it. And when the mind wanders, we bring it back to the breath with the goal of liberation from suffering.
There is no comparable term to Gluggavedur in the English language. Too bad. It literally means “Window Watching Weather.” This means weather that is best appreciated from the comfort of indoors – from a protected distance.
This Icelandic term means weather that is nice to look at, but not nice to be in. Imagine we are safely inside, sipping hot cocoa, while looking out the window during a terrible storm:
Lighting and thunder
Frigid wind and torrential rain
Violently wrenching trees
In a comparable manner, Gluggavedur is a way for us to move through difficult emotions. In mindfulness, we observe our inner storms in the same way we view the storms outside our windows. We create a bit of space around our swirling feelings, which makes us better able to calmly face our sentiments as they arise and subside.
In a month that is known to “come in like a lion and go out like a lamb,” here’s to upcoming weeks of calm both inside and outside our windows.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
February 26, 2021
Come Sit at My Table
First, I kinda disappear.
Then, I am flooded with euphoria – a feeling of intense, anesthetizing pleasure washing over me. I’d describe it as a temporary high – a fleeting “all is okay” moment.
Of course, afterwards, I feel awful, hopeless, despairing that I have wasted yet another day because I am out of control.
I feel shame
I feel guilt
“What’s wrong with me?” I silently scream.
What is causing this wild, daily swing in my emotions?
I am held captive by bulimia – the binge and purge syndrome.
Like me, few talk about it.
Few expose their shameful secret.
We feel alone, but clearly, we are not alone.
“It’s estimated that 30 million Americans have struggled with an eating disorder at some point over their lifetime,” says Claire Mysko, CEO of the National Eating Disorders Association. “That breaks down to 20 million women and 10 million men.”
Feb 22-28 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.
The theme is: Every Body Has a Seat at the Table
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The goal of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is to shine the spotlight on eating disorders by educating the public, spreading a message of hope, and putting lifesaving resources into the hands of those in need.
My story is a very personal story, but one which I think is important, though continuously difficult, to share.
On average, 149 weeks pass before those experiencing eating disorder symptoms seek help. That’s almost three years, 37 months or 1,043 days. I grappled with this disorder alone for 45 years before I felt ready to talk about my secret in a professional setting.
During those years, I felt inadequate, unworthy, ashamed of my actions, and puzzled by my inability “to stop eating like a pig.” And horrified at my relentless compulsion to get rid of it by sticking my fingers down my throat.
I bought into the cultural mantra that focused on external criteria to judge myself:
Appearance
Relationships
Bank account size
Dress size
Number on the scale.
For years, I didn’t realize that they were not accurate and reliable measures of my self-worth.
Over many decades of soul searching and relentless reading and researching, I began to appreciate my own strengths and uniqueness. I became less harsh of a judge of my own worth and began treating myself as I treated others – with compassion and patience and acceptance.
Tamara Levitt – narrator for the app Calm – recently confided that she too had suffered with an eating disorder and shared with her listeners a quote from Oscar Wilde:
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Through talking to others who share similar experiences, I was able to shed the heavy harness of embarrassment. I began to understand it was not lack of discipline or lack of control that led into these nightmarish episodes. I was suffering from a real disorder – a treatable disorder. I was then able to accept who I was and to seek the professional help I needed.
I have been in recovery for nine years. I wrote a book about my experiences: The Secret Life of a Weight Obsessed Woman. I survived the pain of coming out with my story to many who couldn’t or wouldn’t understand. And I experienced the joy of connecting with those who could.
At present, I serve on a committee under the auspices of a major eating disorder organization. One of our goals is to document the healing journeys of other fellow sufferers and to identify their unique needs, views, and perspectives in order to facilitate the integration of their experience into the larger eating disorder community.
If you know of someone who has a tale to tell, let me know.
If you know of someone who is eating disordered, let me know.
If you know of someone who is impacted by someone else’s eating disorder, let me know.
I’ve been there.
I care.
And, I assure you, there IS life after an eating disorder.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
February 19, 2021
What’s Wrong With Self-Care??
There is NOTHING wrong with self-care!
Why? Because if you don’t take care of yourself, you simply can’t take care of others – as in the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
How do we keep our proverbial cup full?
First, we figure out what we need. If we zero in on what we are feeling, our emotions will guide us to our needs.
Second, we have to block out time to meet those needs.
Third, we have to allow ourselves the luxury of actually meeting those needs.
One pathway to self-care is to dedicate a physical space in which to dwell and cultivate a state of well-being. Think Women Cave. AKA She Shed. (Google for more info)
It’s not just a highly curated space with a concentration on lots of design elements such as texture, colorful accents, fun lighting, spatial planning, adequate storage, and multipurpose furniture.
What IS it?
A place of relaxation, de-compression, and re-energizing
A place dedicated to “me-time“
A quiet retreat from a busy life
A space reflecting the owner’s personality
A space of freedom, unbridled creativity, comfort and personalization
Think a harmonious and calm room, encompassing one’s hobbies, aspirations and talents
Three of my friends are here to help us with the quest to effectively self-care through the use of a WOMAN CAVE.
I have known Hope since second grade where she was always one of my “besties.” She is a cognitive/educational psychologist and spent most of her career as a professor at The City College of New York and the City University of New York Graduate Center. Hope retired in 2013 and is Professor Emerita from both.
“My cave, the sunroom, is used for viewing and keeping daily records of wildlife and as a greenhouse. The pandemic inspired me to begin growing vegetables here (where I am at this moment!) in containers in addition to flowering and other plants, including a miniature pomegranate tree.
“The sunroom, with big windows on 3 sides, was a magnet for me. I’m a nature fanatic. Although there are 2 chairs, only my cat Cosmos uses the second one. From my chair I can see 14 bird feeders. See what I mean about being a fanatic?! The lake also functions as a major feeding station.
“The sunroom mostly makes me feel excited about life and deeply appreciative about where I live. For most of my adult life I have lived waterfront, which gives me feelings of peace and connectedness to life on earth.”
Mary is married to an elementary school friend and although we have had only intermittent connection over the years, I always sensed a deep vein of commonality between us. This is not surprising since Mary has always worked in health and wellness.
Mary says that when her husband and she downsized in 2014, she made a woman cave in the lower level of their landominium. “It is one of my favorite places in our home. It does not have any windows, but is truly the place where I see the window to my soul.
“This is the room where I do my coaching, take classes, and participate in my Writing and Zoom groups as it is very private and almost sound proof. It is perfect for meditation and large enough for yoga. My back wall is full of books. This is also my art studio where I keep bins of art supplies and a small easel for my very elementary:) ‘works of art.’ I dabble with acrylics and water colors but most of my creative work is in writing.
“It is like a retreat, often kind of messy with bins of projects and books all over. The wall hangings are eclectic and promote peaceful reflection. During COVID, it has been nice to have a quiet place to read and work and sit, while my husband has his space upstairs.”
Mary currently has her own business, Promoting Health: The Middle Way, LLC as a Heath, Life and Spiritual Coach. She offers private and group coaching and has both a Website and Blog: themiddlewayhealth.com
Francine is an actress, singer and improv lady whom I met shortly after moving to Tampa. I was working at a family service agency and she actually “auditioned” for a job opening we had. And, of course, so taken with her vivaciousness, I knew then I had to both hire her and become her friend.
“My woman cave keeps me sane during this pandemic. It’s filled to the brim with my green screen, props, show line-up and costumes for my virtual “Pants Optional Comedy” shows with improvisers from around the world. My sunroom is a cluttered mess now, and once was uncluttered with just my solid wall backdrop for self-taping auditions for commercial and film work. Now my woman cave has a better purpose: it makes me feel good that I can bring joy to the world, with audiences throughout the world, via zoom improv shows.”
Here’s how to access Francine’s improv show: www.pantsoptionalcomedy.com
I met Margie when we were both going through the rigors of raising boys – her two sons were the same age as my two youngest sons. Margie is a true “ old soul” whose friendship and loyalty has grounded me for decades.
She is a Speech Language Pathologist.
Margie wanted a space to be creative and her art/craft table is her little corner of creativity. She is dabbling in watercolors, tissue paper collages and mixed media collage. She modestly states she’s not very good, but I beg to differ. Margie is also a master gardener and cook – and she does it all with great flair.
“I feel happy to be creating and productive,” quips Margie, “and it helps to pass the time during isolation from Covid-19.”
In closing:
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Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
February 12, 2021
HOW TO TURN YOUR MAN INTO A SUPER GIFT GIVER JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!
Oh No! Just two more shopping days until Valentine’s Day– the holiday with roots dating back to around 270 A.D. at least.
Not to be negative, but I’d be willing to bet ever since that ancient time more fights between couples have been occurring on or shortly thereafter this hallowed day – due to dashed expectations and dismal disappointments. So prepare. Think Intrigue and Enticement. Catch-Me-If-You-Can scenarios.
Years ago, on behalf of the large number of us who are gift challenged, I did a very unscientific sampling of adults and asked quite straightforwardly,
“What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“What do you NOT want for Valentine’s Day?”
Surprisingly, there was a tremendous amount more vigorous vociferation surrounding “The Don’ts.”
Here’s a wrap-up of “Don’t’s” from the woman’s point of view:
Not the same thing he buys his mother
Not the same thing he buys his secretary
Nothing at the last minute, without thought or planning
Not a wet vac or vacuum cleaner
Nothing with a bill to pay off
Remember: Most men are gift virgins.
Even the thought of walking up to a fragrance counter makes them sweat, perusing Amazon for just the right piece of jewelry will prove overwhelming, and since Victoria Secret has closed 250 stores, forget his quest for the perfect piece of lingerie that will flatter and actually fit you.
First, give some thought to how she prefers to receive love.
Time?
Touch?
Tangible gifts?
Words of affirmation?
Acts of kindness?
Pampering?
Now, here are some specific suggestions;
A handwritten note, poem or letter expressing kindness, appreciation and love – citing a specific detail or two to ward off the generic is strongly suggested!
Accompanying the note and befitting finances, one or more of the following works pretty well too:
Know what type of man you’re wooing – bohemian, landed gentry, woodsy, hard core classic – and gift accordingly.
If he’s practical, buy him that new power tool he’s been craving.If he needs some peace and quiet, give air pods.Is he working from home? How about a desk chair with lumbar support?Does he need some healthy habits? How about a new pair of sneakers or a high tech blender for his smoothies?Have some fun with the presentation. Hide whatever you choose in the dining room, where a candlelit dinner awaits him. Or the bedroom.If he’s romantic and sensitive, write down a list of all the nice things he’s done for you in the last year and tuck it into a large basket filled with bath toys and bubble bath crystals. Then take a bath – together – and encourage him to read the list.If he is a guy’s guy, give him an evening of beer, pizza and a classic adventure movie streaming on one of the many available channels.Or if he is more highbrow, enroll him in a MasterClass of his choosing.If he enjoys cocooning with you, compile a list of podcasts to listen to and binge worthy series to watch together.For my own husband of almost 45 years, here’s my public valentine message: Thank you for giving me the freedom to soar, the security to fail, and the love to sustain me as I do both. Gift to follow.
A happy Valentine’s Day to all and Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
February 5, 2021
My Ever-Expanding, Totally Endless, Relentlessly Exhausting To-Do List
One hundred twenty-five years ago, the following appeared in the Jewish newspaper in my hometown:
A training school for women about to enter the nuptial state might be a capital idea, as many of the marital complications are the result of ignorance of the first principles of cooking. The woman who desires to keep her husband in a good humor should be careful as to the food she offers him, for indigestion and consequent ill humor are the outcome of viands improperly prepared and badly served…the woman who sets a dainty meal before her lord and master has a much better chance of retaining his affection than she who ignores his physical needs.
After I picked myself up off the floor and stopped laughing hysterically, I sobered up. Geez – maybe if I mastered the art of sautéing, steaming, roasting and braising, I could get out of doing all the other sh#t on my “To Do” list. And simply pass each item off to my “lord and master.”
For instance:
Picking up my repaired ring at the jeweler’s
Mailing out donated clothes of my husband’s to a hospital orderly we befriended years ago
Food shopping
Making our doctor appointments for our yearly skin exams
Figuring out how to get a Covid vaccine
Re-hanging the Toulouse Lautrec print that fell in the bathroom
Washing the garage floor
My To Do List seems both never-ending and ever expanding.
And that doesn’t even take into account the serious stuff I keep putting off because I can’t deal with my own mortality or my hubby’s:
Designating a health care proxy if my husband and I can’t speak for ourselves
Updating our will
Making an advance medical directive stating our end-of-life wishes
I’m not totally remiss about recognizing I’m in the winter of my life. In notes on my phone, I already have a folder marked “Funeral” with three separate listings and one marked “Obit/Eulogy” so I make sure what is said about me is pre-approved by me! And I also figure that both the huge physical and digital stash of my weekly columns will certainly serve as a permanent reminder of what was important to me. (Note to self: make sure kids have my list of Passwords.)
So here’s a start of the stuff to keep off the bargain table and to pass on:
Realistically I know most of our possessions will end up on a folding table in our front yard with a sign that says, “3 for $1″ or “Make a Reasonable Offer.”
Realistically, I know my children and grandchildren don’t have the time or the interest to carefully peruse each item my husband and I own and judiciously decide its fate.
Realistically, I know that is a task I am willing to tackle – it seems more interesting at this time in my life than enrolling in a culinary class on the fundamentals of Italian Cuisine to ensure the lord and master of my domain is properly fed.
So here’s a start:
My husband’s and my first-grade elementary readers
My grandmother’s tea cups
Swords from Russia carried over by a great-grandfather
As for the jewelry, clothes, furniture and art work we own – let my five sons, three daughters-in-law and seven grandchildren decide among themselves who gets what. It’s almost worth sticking around to see their preferences and the ensuing negotiations.
Whew. I’m elated. One more thing crossed off my List. Now I can go figure out what to scramble up for my “Lord and Master’s” dinner. And, maybe, I’ll have time to learn how to use the immersion blender I ordered (but never opened) months ago in the never-ending quest to retain my husband’s affections.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
January 29, 2021
People Tell Me Things
I’ve been writing my weekly column for over 30 years. Sometimes, like many episodes of Seinfeld, I write about “nothing.” Sometimes, I write about “something.” Either way, people seem drawn to adding to my body of knowledge.
People Tell Me Things Like…
PODCASTS TO LISTEN TO:
Women in the Middle: Living Life After 50 – a midlife podcast for women who don’t want life to pass them by – if you can get past the self-promotion.
Non-fiction for Life: with Janet Perry – you can skip reading the book and just listen to an hour-long, in-depth interview with the author
BOOKS TO READ:
Caste by Isabel Wilkerson – linking the caste systems of India, America and Nazi Germany – riveting and eye-opening
The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett – my book club’s choice – I call it mesmerizing escapism
BINGE-WORTHY TV TO WATCH:
Pretend It’s a City (watchable multiple times)
Your Honor
Broadchurch and A Place to Call Home (I know, I know – both have been out awhile)
Shonda Rimes newest: Bridgerton
And The History of Swear Words narrated by Nicholas Cage – can’t get into either of them
STREAMING MOVIES:
The White Tiger
People Tell Me Things Like…
Why they are frustrated with their spouses
Why they are disappointed with their kids
Why they feel life during Covid is confining, challenging and despairing
How they were able to lose weight
How they conquered a life-long addiction to smoking
How they have learned to practice gratitude on a daily basis
I listen when people tell me things.
And I avidly read the many, many comments I get after my newsletter pops into your mailbox at 3 pm each Friday.
Some are helpful
Some are informative
Some are simply relating an experience
Some give me information very worthy of passing on – like this past week when I wrote about the importance of listening to those close to us who share opposite views.
National Youth Poet Laureate Amanda Gorman read her poem “The Hill We Climb” at the inauguration of President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. She asks: Where can we find light in this never-ending shade?
We will rebuild, reconcile and recover
And every known nook of our nation and
Every corner called our country,
Our people diverse and beautiful will emerge
Battered and beautiful
When day comes we step out of the shade,
Aflame and unafraid
The new dawn blooms as we free it.
But how do we free the new dawn and where can we find light?
A devoted reader provided an answer to Gorman’s provocative questions in her comment to me in response to last week’s newsletter.
She told me about an organization called Braver Angels:
https://braverangels.org
Braver Angels brings together people with different political perspectives to seek and find commonality and to banish contempt.
Braver Angels’ aim is to build trust and de-polarize American politics – to disagree without harm, but with respect – to pursue common ground where it exists.
Braver Angels is officially based in New York City, has 40,000 members – drawing from each state in the union – and its numbers are growing dramatically.
Through workshops, discussion groups, debates and alliances, Braver Angels helps people set aside their pre-conceived notions about each other and to listen more carefully to all points of view. Braver Angels is not about convincing members to change their minds – it’s about helping Americans pull together and bridge partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic.
It’s a start.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom and hold this thought by poet Audre Lord, “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences.”
Iris Ruth Pastor
January 22, 2021
Should We Listen to Those Who Think Differently?
I was fuming. My heart was racing and my temples pounding. Less than 20 feet away from my kitchen window, a crew of burly, barrel-chested men were climbing trees, lassoing branches and wielding chain saws to take down four very old and beautiful shade trees in my neighbor’s yard.
I do what I always do when confronted with an adversarial situation: implore my husband to do something. With little prodding – this time – he went next door to investigate.
The head of the gang said simply: We’ve got permits. The trees are diseased. They are coming down.
For seven days, my husband and I watched the dismantling of those stately, beautiful live oaks. One branch after another hit the ground with a sickening thud.
Hours later, the logs were piled up on a flatbed truck and hauled off to who-knows-where.
My neighbor’s yard is now barren.
I was prepared to hate the scene of carnage:
The morning sun was now hotter and brighter in my kitchen and family room
The temperature on our second floor was measurably warmer
The view of a myriad of branches and leaves was now an unobstructed view of the sky and the rooftops of nearby houses
Our home suddenly was more urban than an urban oasis
Challenging Faulty Assumptions
I decided to challenge the assumption that I’d hate the removal of the trees. Suddenly……
The trees on adjoining properties are more prominent and appreciated
Additional sunshine allows me to experiment with different types of bushes and trees in my own yard
Strong beams of sunshine beat down on my window sill – allowing my Iris bulbs to blossom
One false assumption conquered. The next one is a little more nuanced and complicated.
As events surrounding the insurrection and the new presidency become more freighted with emotion, I grapple with how to deal with friends and family that have opposing views.
Over the last months, I’ve heard many wise men and women voice the following: If we are to heal, we must listen to those who have opposing views.
“Oh,” I’d say to myself, “Of course, of course, listening is of the utmost of importance and leads to understanding and finding common ground.”
Sounds reasonable.
Sounds right.
Sounds like a plan.
But, actually, I have been doing just the opposite: shutting the dialogue down before it has a chance to blossom and grow.
I have a friend who I have been talking with regularly about her move from one apartment complex to another. We chat about how she is dealing with a different footprint, what items she is taking, donating and/or selling. When one of our many conversations veered to the current insurrection on January 6, we had very different points of view on the merits of the outgoing president. I immediately shut down the dialogue with the following statement: Let’s agree to disagree and let’s keep talk of politics off the table.
Problem solved.
Or was it?
Every week, my husband and I participate in a zoom talk with family from Michigan, California, Ohio, South Carolina, Illinois, and Israel. One relative announced she was supporting someone the rest of us abhorred and for that reason many of her close friends and family were no longer speaking to her. Instead of drawing her out and giving her an opportunity to cite her reasons, we quickly said, “Let’s keep politics out of the zoom call.”
She has not participated in the zoom call since that time.
Another faulty assumption challenged. Stifling dialogue does not lead to understanding and peace. To effectively deal with our differences, we need to listen – not to the pundits, politicians and the plunderers – but to those people whom are tied by blood or friendship to us. And, they in turn, need to listen to us.
Like the absence of those beloved old oaks, let’s find other ways to fill the gaps and make the barren landscape verdant again. The oaks can’t be resurrected, but our relationships can.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
