C.J. Sears's Blog, page 8

Galatians 101: The Dangers of Legalism

“We who are Jews by birth and not ‘Gentile sinners’ know that no one is justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus… Read more "Galatians 101: The Dangers of Legalism"

Shower Talks With God

I’ve heard it said that the ways of God are unusual. Indeed, Scripture tells us that His thoughts are not our thoughts and our ways are not… Read more "Shower Talks With God"

Return of the Author

I’m back, but not in black. Actually, I’m wearing a white T-shirt as of the writing of this post. Why does that matter? It doesn’t, but where… Read more "Return of the Author"

An Official Impromptu Hiatus

I’m hesitant to post this blog today. It could easily be misinterpreted as a number of foul events. Announcing a hiatus tends to bring out the cynicism not only in others but in myself. Many will think I’m walking away and trying to let them down in a manner that’s a half-lie. Others will believe there is some deficiency of faith at play. Both groups are wrong, yet there’s that self-critical part of me that worries they may be right.

My readers have probably noted my struggles this past year writing The Sons of Darkness as well as dealing with depression, anxiety, and OCD. I have felt increasingly trapped by my worries and boxed in by the minutiae of my often directionless life. Day in and day out, there’s been a great deal on my mind, weighing me down, making me feel rudderless and prone to self-imprisonment.

I took several breaks from writing that third novel this last year and briefly had a resurgence that allowed me to get the story to the halfway point. I’m proud of what I have written. I think it’s quality storytelling and a narrative that’ll be worth sharing in the future. But it’s one of many burdens on me that I’m no longer certain will be the easiest to lift from my shoulders.

I am not and cannot be Atlas. There’s no realm where I’m able to successfully uphold the world (my world) with my own strength. Thank God I’m not alone. I wouldn’t make it without Him and the support of my family and friends.

This blog is not ending. Let me say that again for those who can’t hear me in the back or refuse to listen. THIS BLOG IS NOT DONE, FINISHED, FINITO, OR ENDING IN ANY FASHION. I am making this post to relay exactly what it says on the tin: I’m going on an official hiatus.

I don’t know when the next post will be. I usually don’t anyway, but I wanted to make it clear that I don’t have a schedule in mind. There’s no timetable, no crystal ball to foretell when I’m recharged and ready to return. It may be next week. Maybe it’ll take a month. Hopefully I’ll be back sooner than I reckon possible.

Ive said time and again that I like to be honest with my readers. So I am. When I mess up, I tell you. When I’m having a hard time, I let you know. God keeps me more humble than I’d ever be on my own for which I’m thankful.

When I do return, it may not be the way you expect. I have changes in mind for this blog. It could do with a number of tweaks. For some time, I’ve contemplated segregating the author aspects from the blog. It may be that there needs to be a separate author page while this remains a casual and personal blog where I share my faith, media reviews, and whatever comes to mind.

I’ve resisted this urge since I began because I felt like divorcing my professional life from my personal was dishonest. I don’t aim to hide who I am in Christ from my readers. “Christian CJ” and “Author CJ” are not distinct people or personas. They are one and the same and I’ve never obscured that truth. I won’t. My writing in both my novels and my blog will continue to reflect that fact.

But I feel as if I have muddled things too much over the course of these past two years. It must be confusing as heck to click on an author page and be bombarded with mostly evangelism and pop culture. Like culture shock. So I endeavor to clarify what this blog is and isn’t for the sake of my readers and perhaps my own sanity.

And for some reason, that last line brought a smile to my face. Mentally, I haven’t been at my best for the past four or five months. But the Lord is always ready to bring me untold joy and I thank Him for that. Life without Christ so pales in comparison to life with Him.

In closing (don’t end essays like this unless you want to upset your teachers), I’m taking a much needed break. I hope to be back with a vengeance soon. I love you all for taking the time to engage with my thoughts and read these posts. Yes, even that guy or gal who doesn’t want to be loved. You know who you are.

Thanks and praise belong to Him for this post and unexpected journey. God bless and peace be with you. Amen.

 

Meaning of Christmas: Our Father’s Love

“Then his father Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied: Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, because He has visited and provided redemption for His people.” (Luke 1:67-68)

This topic may be a day late, but I felt compelled to make a post regarding the Christmas (or Advent if you prefer) celebration. As I watched A Christmas Story yesterday, I was impacted by the love Darren McGavin’s character has for his son. Now, I’m pretty close with my own dad, so maybe this gets me more than most, but I couldn’t help but admire the sheer unadulterated and unconditional love on display as he gifted the BB Gun so desired by His son.

This man didn’t care that his son hadn’t been the best behaved boy all year. It didn’t matter that Ralphie used bad words or got into a fight with a bully. What passed for punishment exuded only mercy and not wrath. He didn’t hold back his love or freedom by warning his kid about shooting out an eye. For him, the only message he wanted to instill in his child was one of absolute and irrevocable joy.

That’s so like the love God has for His children. What better example of a father can we have than Him? Who else would send His Son incarnate in flesh to die in our stead? No man would lay down His life so perfectly for His friends and loved ones but God Himself.

I can think of no better gift than the precious life and blood of Jesus Christ for our salvation. He doesn’t offer it on the condition that we don’t shoot our eye out. He doesn’t dangle this grace as if He were a persnickety Santa Claus weighing our deeds and putting us on a naughty or nice list. And if He did, we’d all be on the naughty side, I’m afraid.

God is not, contrary to popular and misguided belief, a karmic deity bent on breaking your legs or zapping you with lightning if you’re not on your best foot. And if you think that’s our Heavenly Father, then you’re mistaken. You are thinking of a false idol, a pagan god not unlike Zeus.

“No,” says the Word. God is loving. God is good. He is our Father and we are His adopted and forgiven children through Jesus Christ our Lord.

That’s what Christmas is about. One Father, the God of all creation, delivering, signing, and providing payment for the greatest package we could ever hope to receive. He has, as Zechariah says in the above passage, provided redemption for His people.

Thanks and praise belong to Him. I hope you’ve had a good holiday break. Thank you for reading, God bless, and peace be with you. Amen.

Birthday: Reflections, Love, & Friendship

Today’s my birthday, but it’ll probably have the ring of a New Year’s blog instead. I’m not sure I have an end goal or a meaning behind this post in mind. I only want to offer my reflections on how this year has unfolded and also to thank you all for your readership and encouragement.

As time ticks on, I think we all take a moment or two in our lives to pause and evaluate our progress. We outline what we think we did wrong or right, whether we were naughty or nice (see, I can be timely), and what we want to do better in the future. Frankly, it’s a bit neurotic and ridiculous. We don’t have the faintest clue what tomorrow might bring. How can we possibly have the slightest idea of what to expect?

I’ve had some disappointments this year. I haven’t finished Book 3 aka The Sons of Darkness. Progress has been slow, constantly impeded, and there are moments where I want to cut my losses and scrap the whole thing. I get angry at myself. I lose my drive. I lose myself.

I’m not often where I want to be emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Dealing with intrusive thoughts and my OCD tendencies (especially the last few months) to recall past sins hasn’t been uplifting. I doubt my ability to handle these memories and rebuke them as they should be. Thank God that I’m not alone because He’s always there.

I’m better than I used to be, but it’s in humanity’s corrupted nature to be more negative than positive. We’re not happy unless we’re finding something to be upset about. Absurd? Yes, it is. But we keep doing it. Based on my own experiences, I imagine the most unhappy people in the world drive fancy sports cars, own mansions, and travel in their own personal jet planes. They have access to the best of the best products and the most efficient healthcare. Yet, it’s fake smiles and plastered grins all the way down. I know them. And God knows their (our) hearts.

That’s why I have to be reminded that I was beautifully and wonderfully made. I exist for a reason and a purpose. The Lord God loves me. And He loves you too, no matter how down in the dumps you’ve gotten over the course of the past year. Don’t have that job you wanted? He still loves you. Can’t get a viable relationship going? He loves you unconditionally. Wondering what it is that makes you so prone to wander, to self-loathing, and misery? He knows the answer and He’s got the antidote: His love for you, that His son laid down His life for men and women who would believe on Him and be counted among His sheep.

I have to remember that I’m further along than I would ever be without Him. I’m not as angry as I used to be. I don’t struggle with that old and heinous addiction which He cast off from me. I care more about people. I love more. I’ve written and published two novels (and I remember thinking I’d be happy with just the one)!

Are there things I want that I’m not sure I’ll ever have? Absolutely. And some days, I’m brought down a few pegs by that realization. There are times when I think I’m more like an overgrown child than a matured adult. I look around and see that so many have a better understanding on how to grasp and handle what the world throws at them. It’s like they were born with the correct thought processes and I wasn’t.

But that’s ego talking, isn’t it? Pride. Something that God loathes and which He is showing me that He is greater than each and every day.

There’s a group of secular friends that I watched on Youtube for six years. They were Let’s Players (meaning, they played video games on camera as a sort of career) and I found them funny if a bit crass. I loved their style and all the in-jokes about each other. There was real camaraderie between the Super Best Friends.

And I found out only yesterday that they fell out. Two of them aren’t even friends anymore. And that’s sad, isn’t it? Whenever people grow apart, it’s always devastating. The wounds seem like they won’t mend. Hurt feelings fester and boil into a tipping point and then, with the snap of a mad Titan’s fingers, the years of friendship are gone and dusted.

I was saddened by the news, but hopeful that there might one day be a new bridge between these people I’ve never met or even communicated with. And I couldn’t help but recall a certain passage in the gospel of John (which describes what Christ’s sacrifice means for His disciples):

“No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13 HCSB)

I genuinely pray that whatever happens between these people that there’s a chance for reconciliation. And I can think of no greater model for friendship than the Lord has with His people.

I guess that’s where I’ll leave off on today’s post. I am exceedingly thankful for your support these past two years. I am gladdened by the Lord’s influence on my life. I wouldn’t be where I am without Him and at 28 years old no less. This blog is a mishmash of so many things – evangelism, author page, media reviews, pop culture references and discussion – but I love whenever I get the opportunity and the inspiration to write for you, for God, and myself.

Thanks and praise belong to Him as I rejoice today. Thank you for reading. God bless, peace be with you, and (in case I don’t get to write again before then) have a wonderful and loving Christmas. Amen.

Wrestling With God

“Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that He could not defeat him, He struck Jacob’s hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip. Then He said to Jacob, ‘Let Me go, for it is daybreak.’

But Jacob said, ‘I will not let You go unless You bless me.’

‘What is your name?’ the man asked.

‘Jacob,’ he replied.

‘Your name will no longer be Jacob,’ He said. ‘It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men and have prevailed.’

Then Jacob asked Him, ‘Please tell me Your name.’

But He answered, ‘Why do you ask My name?’ And He blessed him there.

Jacob then named the place Peniel, ‘For I have seen God face to face,’ he said, ‘and I have been delivered.’”

(Genesis 32:24-30 HCSB)

I find this particular passage fascinating as a Christian and a storyteller. At first blush, this is a conflict between two men for control. But then your eye catches the pronouns, and you realize the struggle is between man and God. A surface read suggests that man overcomes his trials and emerges victorious over his adversary. I imagine many an atheist would like to think this of himself/herself, that he/she could win any ideological combat, even against a proverbial deity.

But a closer read reveals the truth. Jacob’s victory is not from his own prowess or skill. No, he wins by recognizing who his opponent truly is: the Lord. And it isn’t until God sees the faith of Jacob that the conflict abates. Indeed, if the Lord wished, He could’ve struck down Jacob. If a single, restrained blow dislocated a hip socket, what could His full might accomplish?

And so God gives his creation a new name: Israel. From this descendant of Isaac, descendant of Abraham, enumerable offspring will arise as the Lord’s chosen people. They will kick against the goads, war with their Heavenly Father, wander the wilderness, and be every bit fickle and idolatrous, but His blessing will prevail. A remnant perseveres. Always.

One might say that the Christian life itself is wrestling with God. While the Holy Spirit works within us, sanctifying us, we are still prone to all the harsh and degenerate and sinful aspects of ourselves. We gnash our teeth, warring within, without, and with our Lord. But He’s there, holding us firm, guiding us in this dance of life that’s so like an endless stage play.

(Side Note: I find it amusing that there are so many born again professional wrestlers i.e. Sting, Shawn Michaels, Nikolai Volkoff, etc. and how apt the comparison can be. God’s got a great sense of humor, don’t you think?)

It’s truly freeing to realize who is the One really in control, isn’t it? I find it uplifting to know that ultimately, against what we perceive as the worst odds, God always wins. You might say (for Him) it’s a flawless victory…

Thanks and praise belong to Him. And thank you for reading this post and following this blog. God bless and peace be with you. Amen.

(Post-Script Side Note: You have no idea how badly I wanted to use wrestling terminology and various corny references in this post. But I didn’t want to confuse the message with all that face/heel, work/shoot, etc. talk. I’ll [hopefully] save my corniness for another post. Just you wait.)

Scene Construction & Audience Reaction

A fair amount of thought goes into the construction of a scene. Character, plot, dialogue, background, setting, etc. all play a role in the unfolding of any given situation. One can’t overstate the importance of how the various elements come together.

In a typical scenario, a writer works with at least two characters. That’s the bare minimum required to create external conflict. Once you’ve decided which characters are present, then comes the task of presenting them as true to their beliefs. What’s their motivation? Are these characters in agreement or is there tension between them? Thus, dialogue is born.

Okay, but where is this taking place? How does the setting beget the mood? Are they in a dark alley? A bedroom? In the middle of a battlefield? These are wildly different locations in which to place one’s characters, but when provided the right tone and placement within the story, the merit of the scene grows.

Is the scene happening at the beginning, middle, or end of the narrative? Where in the plot is the scene most effective? How much character growth is necessary for the scene to be earnest and carry the weight of verisimilitude? (Side Note: I hate two words with the utmost intensity – sublime and verisimilitude – because I’ve never heard someone use them in a conversation without sounding entirely pretentious.)

All right, you’ve got all these put together. Now comes the hard part. No, I’m not talking about writing it. Even a “pantser” like me (that means I don’t do much planning when I write) can craft a compelling scene in record time. No, the difficult task is anticipating and cultivating audience reaction.

I’m going to use an example (without spoiling) from The Smiling Man Conspiracy to illustrate. Toward the end of the “Arrested Developments” chapter and the beginning of “Blood on the Snow” comes a moment that’s been building for Llewyn Finch. He’s wanted this, unconsciously or otherwise, for years. It’d be the greatest of releases for his pain and suffering. At least, that’s what he thinks.

But that’s not what I (the author) wanted you (the reader) to believe. So I had to write what was true to the character of Llewyn. I had to satiate the character’s desire while not allowing the audience to cultivate that same satisfaction. In bizarre fashion, I was required to craft a scene in which the audience roots against the hero!

Llewyn is titillated and entranced, but the reader is supposed to be horrified, uncomfortable, squirming in their seat. If this were a movie, they’d be shouting at the screen the way people do when a character in a horror movie doesn’t realize the villainous slasher is right behind them.

Character A wants what Character B offers. Character B is more than willing to be the one who provides for Character A. But Character A would betray every principle they stand for if they give into their selfish needs. Some of the audience wants this to happen, but the more discerning readers realize it’d be the worst idea and outcome possible for the characters involved. It’s not really a Catch-22, but that’s perhaps the most challenging writing I’ve had to do thus far. But when a scene comes together, magic happens, and it’s beautiful.

I needed expressive language, but the sentences couldn’t be long-winded. I had to disclose the intoxication, the allure of the moment, but I couldn’t have Llewyn ignore his better self. To sell the scene, the setting had to be evocative, almost risqué, but I wouldn’t allow the audience to give in like the hero so desperately wishes. The reader had to experience the rush of adrenaline followed by the crushing disappointment of adhering to the narrow, less self-indulgent path.

This scene had to be intimate, quick, and without falsehoods. For that reason, it could only happen in the first “Act” of the book and behind closed doors. It wouldn’t be true to the characters or the plot if it had occurred later in the story in a different and foreign venue. In addition, this moment informs the rest of the narrative in a way that is crucial to specific character relationships not only in The Smiling Man Conspiracy, but onward to the forthcoming third novel: The Sons of Darkness.

There must always be ramifications for actions taken. Without this scene, this lonesome beating heart, the story may well have come apart at the seams.

Thanks for perusing this post. If you’re a writer, reader, or something betwixt, I hope it’s been informative and perhaps inspiring. Whatever the case, I’m glad you stuck around. God bless and peace be with you.

Be Mindful (Not Neurotic): You Are Loved

Boy, it’s been awhile since I wrote one of these bad boys, hasn’t it? I apologize for the impromptu hiatus (see what I did there) and lack of updates as of late. I don’t know why – other than the usual distractions – I’ve been slacking off so much, but I’m sorry if you’ve missed this sucker over the past two or three weeks.

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I certainly did. I’m ashamed to admit it had been many years since I’d seen several of the folks around that table. But I do love them and I’m glad to say that they still felt like family after all this time. I think it’s somewhat true that no matter how far apart you’ve grown, blood is always going to be blood.

You know, those of us who are in Christ are often called to examine ourselves. Some of us dig deep, get introspective, and come out the other side with a better understanding of our sin. That’s great. When the Holy Spirit points us back to Christ – as He always does – we know it’s going to be a good day. We can never boast in our own flesh, our works, but His grace always abounds. Thanks and praise belong to the Lord!

But some of us lose ourselves in our own minds. Our inward focus keeps us from seeing the light in our lives, the sanctifying work of the Spirit with which God transforms our likeness into that of our coheir the Lord Jesus Christ. There’s such a thing as too much introspection and excessive devotion to rooting out the negatives of one’s inner being can lead to more harmful and darker happenings.

I’m an anxious person. I’m decidedly shy, introverted, and not at all comfortable with small talk or conversations with strangers. I spend a great deal of time in my head and this, unfortunately, leads to sometimes heavy doses of melancholy and obsession. There are days where I forget I’m a new creation in Christ, days where my opinion of myself is so low that I neglect the wonderful reality that I’m loved by my Father in heaven and that He sent His Son to die for sinners like me and you.

So heed this advice: God’s not mad and He loves you. Okay, I didn’t get that all on my own. That’s from the Word (1 John 4:7-10). It’s the truth that Christ Jesus is our Lord and Savior, that by His death on the cross and subsequent resurrection we can know that it is finished. The Son paid a debt He did not owe with His precious blood. I can’t ever repay Him for what He did. My efforts are not worth one drop.

I can’t be thankful enough that a little over two years ago He reached out and yanked me away from the pit of despair and brought me to Him in love. My hope is in Christ and in Him alone. His grace and mercy is everlasting.

Now, I don’t have a whole lot to talk about today in terms of my books or the future of this blog. But you might consider, my fellow Christian, checking out Key Life Network (an online ministry) and the works of Steve Brown. If you’re the obsessive-compulsive and neurotic type like me, you’ll find his books and his preaching invaluable.

https://www.keylife.org/

https://www.amazon.com/Steve-Brown/e/B001IYXA8G/

No, he didn’t pay me to say that or to put up those links. He’s just a good preacher and one that understands how truly fallen we are and how good God really is to us sinners. I’d highly recommend any of his books and the website for your growth and understanding as a Christian (not neglecting the only indisputable source of truth i. e. the Word of God).

So I guess this is the part where you fall down – I mean, this is the part where I sign off!

(Sorry. I just wanted to make the Johnny Cage joke even if it didn’t really fit.)

Thank you for reading. God bless, have a wonderful week, be mindful, but don’t let your neurosis take control. Abide in Christ. Amen.

My Struggle: Pure O

I’m not sure if I should be writing this. I don’t know if it’s the right call. I’m worried you’ll look at me in a different way that’s not altogether pleasant. I don’t care about glory or people liking me, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m a monster either. I’m hoping that confessing this to you, my readers, friends (can I call you friends?), and family, will help unburden me from the pain I experience to some considerable degree every day.

I suffer from frequent, intensive, “pure O” i.e. a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No, I haven’t been properly diagnosed by a medical professional. But I’ve lived with this ailment long enough and researched a ton and it’s the only feasible explanation for what’s plagued me for the better part of my lifetime.

What is that? You might think of it as entirely inward-focused OCD, like a mental minefield of brain-addling Tourette’s Syndrome. I don’t have a compulsion to wash my hands, check the doors, touch every object, or any of that stuff Tony Shalhoub was doing in Monk. Instead, I deal with a constant, persistent battle against various forms of vulgar, bile, disgusting, intrusive thoughts.

Some days, I’m pretty okay and nothing much happens. But when the disease strikes, it hits hard, fast, and in ways that always induce in me utter self-loathing that only the grace of God helps alleviate. I know these thoughts are irrational. I don’t want any of them. If I repress them, they keep coming back. If I try to ignore them, they linger still. There’s no way out except time and distraction and it’s maddening.

But let’s go deeper. What makes these thoughts so heinous? There are three specific “pure O” conditions I suffer from:

Scrupulosity: Obviously, I’m a Christian. God loved me so much that His Only Begotten Son died for me and others like me so that I would have life in abundance (John 10:10-11). There’s a desire to please Him thanks to the wonderful work of the Holy Spirit. But that desire can become tainted by perfectionism, by a rigid and false works-based gospel that worms its way inside and deadens the soul. I am saved by grace alone through faith alone in Jesus Christ alone. I know that. But sometimes my brain doesn’t. And it hurts. And I want to be with Him so it’ll all stop. Yet, He says I must persist.
Homosexuality OCD: This is a hard one to write about. I imagine some are thinking and nodding along to themselves that this confirms their suspicions about me. In truth, this one doesn’t bother me as much anymore, but it’s still a pain in the keester and difficult to overcome when it’s triggered. Suffice to say, I know I’m not gay (nor is that necessarily the worst of sins, but it would go against what the Word says to deny that homosexual acts are inherently sinful and against God’s created order). If there’s one “good” thing my prior life and addiction to pornography taught me, it’s that I most definitely do not bat for the other team. Thanks be to God that He healed me of that addiction – I’ll never forget the very supernatural work He’s done in my life – and I pray I never return to that time. Even so, this form of OCD rears its ugly head once in a blue moon and I have to remind myself that whatever my accursed mind wants to trick me into thinking, the Lord knows better and I can trust Him.
Pedophilia OCD: Here’s why I didn’t want to write today’s post. All those other irrational thoughts I know you guys would forgive me for, but this one probably hits close to home. I’d never harm children. I’ve wanted to be married and have kids of my own since grade school (before I even knew what any of that entailed). But the most disgusting and vivid imagery pops into my head sometimes. I can’t stop it. I’ve tried. I can’t. I can’t predict where or why it’ll go down, but when it does that’s the time I most hate myself and my thoughts. I’ve prayed for God to heal me of this illness more than anything because of these errant and intrusive ideas because they make me feel like a monster who needs to be locked away and punished. Yet, I know Him, His love for me, and I believe that these aren’t truly my genuine thoughts.

Let me say it for posterity: I’m not perfect and I can’t change that. The Lord loves me and is helping me to cope with this disease no matter how difficult it gets when I’m locked in a room with myself. I am not gay. I am not a pedophile. I know these thoughts are irrational, but telling myself that doesn’t fix the problem. Trying to squash them only makes the compulsion stronger.

For my part, I’ve been trying to directly confront, challenge, and expose myself to these thoughts. That’s supposed to be the way someone conquers OCD. Just like you’d have a person with severe arachnophobia (which I’ve also struggled with in the past and I’m still no fan of eight-legged freaks) touch a spider, a person with “pure O” must face his fears rather than dunk his head in the sand.

I don’t know what it’ll take to get through this. Statistics show that it’s often not entirely curable thanks to the strength and potency of the compulsions. Again, I don’t doubt the Lord’s love for me – indeed, I have perhaps more cause than most to point to His very real presence on this earth and in my life in particular – but it’s hard to root myself in faith sometimes when it gets rough.

But maybe the Lord is glorified through my affliction. Perhaps by using someone like me – a man with a previous addiction to pornography and dealing with a misunderstood form of OCD – His name will be magnified. If He can take a sinner like C. J. Sears, raise him up in Christ, and get him to speak the truth of the Word of God, then His love is clear and defined, immutable, and everlasting.

Thanks and praise belong to Him for the strength and courage to write this post. I’m seconds away from uploading this and my nerves are there. I don’t know what any of you will make of me. Perhaps you’ll laugh and shrug this off as the musings of a hypochondriac. Sometimes I believe that myself; wouldn’t it be great if that was my problem instead? Alas, I’ve become increasingly certain that this is my grievous disorder and that I must bear it until such time as the Lord heals and grants me the relief I need.

You’ve put up with a lot of words in this blog today, so I’ll leave it at that. Thank you for reading, God bless, and please be kind to those you know (or don’t know yet) who suffer in the ways that I do. Peace be with you, brothers and sisters. Amen.