My Struggle: Pure O

I’m not sure if I should be writing this. I don’t know if it’s the right call. I’m worried you’ll look at me in a different way that’s not altogether pleasant. I don’t care about glory or people liking me, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m a monster either. I’m hoping that confessing this to you, my readers, friends (can I call you friends?), and family, will help unburden me from the pain I experience to some considerable degree every day.

I suffer from frequent, intensive, “pure O” i.e. a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No, I haven’t been properly diagnosed by a medical professional. But I’ve lived with this ailment long enough and researched a ton and it’s the only feasible explanation for what’s plagued me for the better part of my lifetime.

What is that? You might think of it as entirely inward-focused OCD, like a mental minefield of brain-addling Tourette’s Syndrome. I don’t have a compulsion to wash my hands, check the doors, touch every object, or any of that stuff Tony Shalhoub was doing in Monk. Instead, I deal with a constant, persistent battle against various forms of vulgar, bile, disgusting, intrusive thoughts.

Some days, I’m pretty okay and nothing much happens. But when the disease strikes, it hits hard, fast, and in ways that always induce in me utter self-loathing that only the grace of God helps alleviate. I know these thoughts are irrational. I don’t want any of them. If I repress them, they keep coming back. If I try to ignore them, they linger still. There’s no way out except time and distraction and it’s maddening.

But let’s go deeper. What makes these thoughts so heinous? There are three specific “pure O” conditions I suffer from:

Scrupulosity: Obviously, I’m a Christian. God loved me so much that His Only Begotten Son died for me and others like me so that I would have life in abundance (John 10:10-11). There’s a desire to please Him thanks to the wonderful work of the Holy Spirit. But that desire can become tainted by perfectionism, by a rigid and false works-based gospel that worms its way inside and deadens the soul. I am saved by grace alone through faith alone in Jesus Christ alone. I know that. But sometimes my brain doesn’t. And it hurts. And I want to be with Him so it’ll all stop. Yet, He says I must persist.
Homosexuality OCD: This is a hard one to write about. I imagine some are thinking and nodding along to themselves that this confirms their suspicions about me. In truth, this one doesn’t bother me as much anymore, but it’s still a pain in the keester and difficult to overcome when it’s triggered. Suffice to say, I know I’m not gay (nor is that necessarily the worst of sins, but it would go against what the Word says to deny that homosexual acts are inherently sinful and against God’s created order). If there’s one “good” thing my prior life and addiction to pornography taught me, it’s that I most definitely do not bat for the other team. Thanks be to God that He healed me of that addiction – I’ll never forget the very supernatural work He’s done in my life – and I pray I never return to that time. Even so, this form of OCD rears its ugly head once in a blue moon and I have to remind myself that whatever my accursed mind wants to trick me into thinking, the Lord knows better and I can trust Him.
Pedophilia OCD: Here’s why I didn’t want to write today’s post. All those other irrational thoughts I know you guys would forgive me for, but this one probably hits close to home. I’d never harm children. I’ve wanted to be married and have kids of my own since grade school (before I even knew what any of that entailed). But the most disgusting and vivid imagery pops into my head sometimes. I can’t stop it. I’ve tried. I can’t. I can’t predict where or why it’ll go down, but when it does that’s the time I most hate myself and my thoughts. I’ve prayed for God to heal me of this illness more than anything because of these errant and intrusive ideas because they make me feel like a monster who needs to be locked away and punished. Yet, I know Him, His love for me, and I believe that these aren’t truly my genuine thoughts.

Let me say it for posterity: I’m not perfect and I can’t change that. The Lord loves me and is helping me to cope with this disease no matter how difficult it gets when I’m locked in a room with myself. I am not gay. I am not a pedophile. I know these thoughts are irrational, but telling myself that doesn’t fix the problem. Trying to squash them only makes the compulsion stronger.

For my part, I’ve been trying to directly confront, challenge, and expose myself to these thoughts. That’s supposed to be the way someone conquers OCD. Just like you’d have a person with severe arachnophobia (which I’ve also struggled with in the past and I’m still no fan of eight-legged freaks) touch a spider, a person with “pure O” must face his fears rather than dunk his head in the sand.

I don’t know what it’ll take to get through this. Statistics show that it’s often not entirely curable thanks to the strength and potency of the compulsions. Again, I don’t doubt the Lord’s love for me – indeed, I have perhaps more cause than most to point to His very real presence on this earth and in my life in particular – but it’s hard to root myself in faith sometimes when it gets rough.

But maybe the Lord is glorified through my affliction. Perhaps by using someone like me – a man with a previous addiction to pornography and dealing with a misunderstood form of OCD – His name will be magnified. If He can take a sinner like C. J. Sears, raise him up in Christ, and get him to speak the truth of the Word of God, then His love is clear and defined, immutable, and everlasting.

Thanks and praise belong to Him for the strength and courage to write this post. I’m seconds away from uploading this and my nerves are there. I don’t know what any of you will make of me. Perhaps you’ll laugh and shrug this off as the musings of a hypochondriac. Sometimes I believe that myself; wouldn’t it be great if that was my problem instead? Alas, I’ve become increasingly certain that this is my grievous disorder and that I must bear it until such time as the Lord heals and grants me the relief I need.

You’ve put up with a lot of words in this blog today, so I’ll leave it at that. Thank you for reading, God bless, and please be kind to those you know (or don’t know yet) who suffer in the ways that I do. Peace be with you, brothers and sisters. Amen.