Exponent II's Blog, page 87

The Problem of the Woman Without a Head

A few years ago a man in my neighborhood organized a community day of service. Taking initiative, trying to bring people together, helping others- these are positive intentions. Then I saw a flyer advertising this service event. The flyer featured a woman holding a shovel. The woman’s head was not shown. 

This bothered me significantly. Women’s bodies are often used in advertising as parts and pieces; showing only portions of a body is an effective way to turn a person into an object. Using a photo of a woman holding a shovel but eliminating her head, especially not showing her eyes, turned this woman into an object. An object whose purpose is to serve others. 

This photo sums up the way I suspect many men in the church view women as well as the way many women have been taught to view themselves. 

What to do about this flyer? I wanted to say something to the creator; to point out the message about women that he likely did not realize he was sending. I didn’t say anything though. I figured it was a one-time event and I shouldn’t ruffle any feathers over this flyer.

I was wrong. Now a few years later, this same flyer has once again landed on my doorstep. What to do? Do I continue to remain silent? This flyer is now not just a flyer; it also a lawn sign, poster, and ad in the local community newspaper. What message am I sending to my daughters if I don’t say anything or try to change the status quo? Do I have a responsibility to my community to stop harm? A flyer of a headless woman may seem negligible. However, as I once again look at this flyer, I realize it is one of a thousand paper cuts that accumulate to cause significant harm.  

For context, the person who created this is a member of the church living in an area with a high concentration of church members. This person is now also serving as a bishop which is a role that means some people will give increased significance to what he says and does. It is standard in the church to talk about women’s bodies but that doesn’t mean that it is acceptable to reduce women to objects. There is not an adequate way for me to express the feelings of despair and shame that I have battled living in a church and community where the majority of men see me and other women as objects. Where boys are taught to view my daughters as objects. I want to create change yet how to do it in a way that this man will hear and understand the harm perpetuated by this seemingly simple flyer?

Exponent II readers, please share thoughts and advice.

Not the actual flyer; both to protect the creator and because I tossed it into the recycling bin. Compare this photo showing this woman as a whole person as opposed the photo at the one at the beginning of the post the crops out her head.

Also, this woman does not have a shovel, is not doing dishes, is not folding laundry, is not serving in any way. She exists as a human being.

Come Follow Me: Romans 1–6 “The Power of God unto Salvation”

In my family, we keep family scripture study pretty short. We’re busy, just like everyone else. But my favorite scripture study nights are ones where we read a scripture or two and take a couple minutes to discuss it – maybe over the dinner table. 

A few years ago, my daughter (who is now 9 years old) started complaining that during our scripture reading we almost exclusively learned from men’s voices. The scriptures are almost entirely written by men and the quotes from General Conference were pretty solidly men’s voices as well. I started seeking more women’s voices to add to our nightly devotionals. 

The current lesson plan is designed for families like mine who are busy but would like to spend a couple minutes discussing God’s word and would like to include women’s voices in those discussions. I divided the lesson plan into segments and each segment contains a scripture from this week’s Come Follow Me verses, a quote from a woman highlighting the concept taught, and a few discussion questions that you can go over. 

If you’re doing this on your own, you can write your answers to the questions in a journal or ponder them. If you’re doing this as a family, you may choose to do one segment a day, break up a segment over a couple days, or spend one day and go into several segments. If you’re doing this for a class at church, focus on whichever segments you feel your class would most benefit from. If you have a large class, you may want to have class members divide into groups for some of the discussions.

Segment 1:

Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

In a General Conference talk in October 2012, then 2nd Counselor in the YW General Presidency, Ann M. Dibb discussed this idea of not being ashamed of the gospel of Christ. She said:

“At different times in our lives, whether we are new converts to the Church or lifelong members, we may find that this vibrant enthusiasm has faded. Sometimes this happens when times are challenging and we must practice patience. Sometimes it happens at the peak of our prosperity and abundance. Whenever I have this feeling, I know I need to refocus my efforts on increasing my gospel knowledge and living gospel principles more fully in my life.

“One of the most effective but sometimes difficult gospel principles to apply is humility and submission to the will of God. In Christ’s prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, He expressed to the Father, “Not my will, but thine, be done.”8 This should be our prayer as well. Oftentimes, it is in these quiet, prayerful moments that we feel encircled in Heavenly Father’s love and those joyful, loving feelings are restored.”

I think what she’s saying is to take time to focus on the Savior specifically. Ask God for help. Try to center your life around your relationship with God.

Questions to ponder/discuss:

When have I felt ashamed? When have I not felt ashamed?How can I focus more on the Savior specifically and His pure gospel?What is it about the gospel of Christ that brings me joy, personally? 

Segment 2:

In the Segment 1, we focused mainly on the beginning of that verse (not being ashamed). But it’s important to note that that scripture had talked about the “power of God unto salvation.” In this segment, we’ll discuss how that power works. We receive His power through His grace:

Romans 3: 23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; 24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

In the October 2018 General Conference, Michelle D. Craig (then first counselor of the General YW Presidency) said,

“Of course, all of us will fall short of our divine potential, and there is some truth in the realization that alone we are not enough. But the good news of the gospel is that with the grace of God, we are enough. With Christ’s help, we can do all things. The scriptures promise that we will ‘find grace to help in time of need.’”

Questions to ponder/discuss:

When have I felt Christ’s grace helping me?How can I allow Christ’s grace to help me in this life?How can I allow Christ’s grace to help me beyond death?What does Christ’s grace feel like to me?

Segment 3:

In the first two verses of Chapter 5, we learn some valuable lessons about the nature of Christ.

First, Christ is a peacemaker – not just for those he walked with – but for us.

Romans 5:1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

And next, We have access to Christ’s grace wherein we stand. That means today. Not some distant after-death thing. But we can feel his grace today

Romans 5:2 By whom also we have access by afaith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

The current Young Women General President, Emily Belle Freeman, wrote in a blogpost on LDS Living in 2020 about this concept. She said,

 “He can fill your hungry soul. He can help you to discover joy. He will meet you in your emptiness, your wandering, your dark places, there in your aching, and He will bring grace even if you don’t know how it’s done. You don’t have to have a complete understanding for His grace to begin its work in you. The Lord will meet us in our ordinary places.”

Questions to ponder/discuss:

How has the Lord met you in your ordinary places? When have you felt His grace?What are some places that you want Him to meet you but maybe you haven’t felt Him there yet? How can you invite Him to meet you there?How can the Lord help you discover joy today? This week? This year? How can you invite Him to help you discover this joy?

Segment 4:

Let’s talk about learning from our hardships

Romans 5:3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

In the same talk we discussed in Segment 2, Michelle D. Craig discussed a similar idea to that of Paul’s from these scriptures in Romans. Michelle D. Craig said: 

“The surprising truth is that our weaknesses can be a blessing when they humble us and turn us to Christ. Discontent becomes divine when we humbly approach Jesus Christ with our want, rather than hold back in self-pity.

“In fact, Jesus’s miracles often begin with a recognition of want, need, failure, or inadequacy. Remember the loaves and the fishes? Each of the Gospel writers tells how Jesus miraculously fed the thousands who followed Him. But the story begins with the disciples’ recognition of their lack; they realized they had only “five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?” The disciples were right: they didn’t have enough food, but they gave what they had to Jesus, and then He provided the miracle.

“Have you ever felt your talents and gifts were too small for the task ahead? I have. But you and I can give what we have to Christ, and He will multiply our efforts. What you have to offer is more than enough—even with your human frailties and weaknesses—if you rely on the grace of God.”

Questions to discuss/ponder:

Paul said that we glory in tribulations. Michelle D. Craig said that our weaknesses can become strong if we rely on the grace of God. How do these two ideas fit together?When have you seen your weaknesses become strengths? Or when have you been able to glory in tribulations?It is often easy to think about these things after the tribulation is over. What about during? How do you feel God’s grace during the tribulation?

Segment 5:

Christ died for us while we were still sinners. He had to have faith in us that we would be willing to accept his Atonement.

Romans 5:6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. 8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Christian blogger Kristin from “Raising Everyday Disciples” shared her love for the Savior and joy this concept brings to her. She said,

“The truth that even while I was still a sinner, God showed His love for me by sending Christ to die for my sin draws my heart to repentance. How could God be so good to me? My heart rejoices in not only the forgiveness and life through Christ for today but also for the hope of an eternity worshiping Him without the distraction of my sin and struggles.”

Questions to discuss/ponder:

How can knowing that Christ died for us while we were still sinners draw our hearts to repentance?How does this show/testify of God’s unconditional love for us?While we won’t need to die for others’ sins, Christ’s example of pure love for us regardless of our choices does show an amazing example of how we can love others completely. How can we follow Christ’s example in our relationships with our loved ones?

Segment 6:

Sometimes our conversations focus so heavily on the afterlife. Like, “Follow the Savior now because you’ll be happy in eternity.” That’s great and all, but feels way too abstract for me to think that far in advance to something that I really won’t ever fully understand until I’m there. 

However, what I can more easily find meaningful is understanding how Christ’s love/support can help me in my life now. We can find joy in Him today and He allows us to live life more fully when He takes away our sins today. 

Romans 5:11 And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.

Romans 6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. 12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.

Sister J. Anette Dennis, current first counselor in the General Relief Society presidency gave a talk in October 2022 General Conference where she advocated for following Christ’s example and love others wholeheartedly without judgment. In doing so, she suggests we will find full joy from Christ. She said,

“His love will flow through us and make all that He asks not only possible but eventually much easier and lighter and more joyful than we could ever imagine.”

Questions to discuss/ponder:

How have you felt Christ’s love bring you joy?How has Christ made things easier and lighter?How does following Christ’s example bring this joy and ease and lightness?Photo from Church of Jesus Christ Media Library: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/m...

Come Follow Me: Acts 22–28 “A Minister and a Witness”

Image credit: Shipwreck by Da Loria Norman

Today we will discuss a journey: a long, messy, perilous journey, via a less than ideal route. It’s an apt metaphor for the sometimes confusing and frustrating paths our own lives may take.

My life has also taken an unexpected route, as have the lives of many others—perhaps those who are single parents; those who are divorced, widowed, childless, or disabled; or those who have experienced any of life’s other unanticipated scenarios. I have found that the unexpected route is not a lesser route. The scriptures tell of some of the Lord’s most faithful servants making their way through uncommon paths.

— Becky Thomas, My Unexpected Route, Liahona, October 2007

Why do we confuse “unexpected routes” with “lesser routes”? What is the problem with this kind of thinking?Which scripture heroes come to your mind as people who took “uncommon paths”?Preaching in Greece

While serving a mission in Greece, the apostle Paul wrote to the Romans about his desire to go to Rome “by any means” and worship with fellow Christians there:

7 To all that be in Rome, beloved of God, called to be saints: Grace to you and peace from God our Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ.
8 First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world.
9 For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I make mention of you always in my prayers;
10 Making request, if by any means now at length I might have a prosperous journey by the will of God to come unto you.
11 For I long to see you, that I may impart unto you some spiritual gift, to the end ye may be established;
12 That is, that I may be comforted together with you by the mutual faith both of you and me.

ROMANS 1:7-12

Paul’s voyage from Greece to Jerusalem, courtesy of Sweet Publishing via freebibleimages.org

But Paul was on a mission, and he wasn’t called to Rome (yet). From Greece, he continued on to Macadonia, Troas, and then to Jerusalem by way of Assos, Mytelene, Chios, Samos, Miletus, Ephesus, Cos, Rhodes, Patara, Tyre, Ptolemais, and Caesarea.

Note: That is a complicated travel log to keep track of! Here are two chronologies I found helpful to sort out where Paul was and when he was there in the course of his missionary travels:

A Chronological Study of Paul’s Ministry, Dennis McCallumTimeline of the Apostle Paul, Blue Letter Bible

It’s a good thing that Paul was open to going to Rome “by any means” because the path that got him there wasn’t straight-forward. Today we will discuss the series of events that eventually landed Paul in Rome, including (spoiler alert) death threats, mob violence, prison time, a shipwreck, and a close call with a venomous snake.

Arrested in Jerusalem

Paul went to the temple in Jerusalem, where a mob of Jews attacked him, alleging that he allowed Gentiles to enter the temple. Roman guards stopped the riot by arresting Paul, who asked the captain for permission to address the crowd (Acts 21:27-36).

Paul recounted his conversion story to this hostile audience (Acts 22:1-21). We discussed Paul’s conversion story when we covered Acts 9:

Come Follow Me: Acts 6–9 “What Wilt Thou Have Me to Do?”

Come Follow Me: Acts 6–9 “What Wilt Thou Have Me to Do?”

Paul mentioned his calling to preach to the Gentiles, a triggering topic to the people who attacked him. The riot resumed (Acts 22:21-23). The Roman captain, Claudius Lysias, was confused by this extreme reaction and ordered the guards to interrogate Paul to figure out what was going on. Separating Paul from the angry Jewish mob probably saved his life, but submitting to interrogation was still a bummer because the ancient Roman method of interrogation happened to be scourging (Acts 22:24). But Paul knew the law; as a Roman citizen, he had a right to a trial. He pointed this out and evaded the scourging (Acts 22:25-29).

Lysias decided to let Jewish leaders handle this problem. He sent Paul to a group of Pharisees and Sadducees for questioning. Unfortunately, Jews did not have more humane interrogation practices than Romans. Paul said only one sentence in his own defense before Ananias, the high priest, ordered his subordinates to hit Paul in the face (Acts 22:30 – 23:2).

Note: Ananias, the high priest, was a different person than Ananias, the disciple, who healed Paul and aided Paul during his conversion to Christianity. Ananias was a common Jewish name. See Who was Ananias in the Bible?

Paul had a big reaction to Ananias’s order…

3 Then said Paul unto him, God shall smite thee, thou awhited wall: for sittest thou to judge me after the law, and commandest me to be smitten contrary to the law?

Acts 23:3

…which he tried to walk back when he realized who Ananias was.

4 And they that stood by said, aRevilest thou God’s high priest?

5 Then said Paul, I awist not, brethren, that he was the high priest: for it is written, Thou shalt not speak evil of the bruler of thy people.

Acts 23:4-5

Paul changed his approach.

6 But when Paul perceived that the one part were Sadducees, and the other Pharisees, he cried out in the council, Men and brethren, I am a aPharisee, the son of a Pharisee: of the bhope and cresurrection of the dead I am called in question.

7 And when he had so said, there arose a dissension between the Pharisees and the Sadducees: and the multitude was divided.

8 For the aSadducees say that there is no bresurrection, neither angel, nor spirit: but the Pharisees confess both.

9 And there arose a great cry: and the ascribes that were of the Pharisees’ part arose, and strove, saying, We find no evil in this man: but if a spirit or an bangel hath spoken to him, let us not cfight against God.

Acts 23:6-9

A brawl broke out. Some Jewish leaders attacked Paul and Lysias intervened again by removing Paul and jailing him (Acts 23:10).

That night, while imprisoned, Paul was blessed with a spiritual confirmation that he was at last called to minister in Rome.

11 And the night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome.

Acts 23:11

The following day, Paul’s nephew warned Paul that a group of 40 Jews were plotting to kill him (Acts 23:12-16). Paul told his nephew to report the threat to Lysias, who had been a pretty reliable protector up to that point (Acts 23:17-22).

Once again, Lysias came through, this time sending Paul away from Jerusalem with an armed guard to Caesarea and the custody of its governor, Felix, far away from the Jewish mob (Acts 23:23-35).

What do you think we can learn from Paul’s experiences in Jerusalem?Did Paul demonstrate any positive attributes or make any wise choices that you could emulate in your own life?Did Paul make any missteps that we might want to avoid?Imprisoned in Caesarea

Ananias followed Paul to Caesarea, arriving five days later, accompanied by a lawyer who told Felix the grievances of the high priest and his allies against Paul:

5 For we have found this man a pestilent fellow, and a mover of sedition among all the Jews throughout the world, and a ringleader of the sect of the Nazarenes:

6 Who also hath gone about to profane the atemple: whom we took, and would have judged according to our law.

Acts 24:5-6

Paul gave his own defense:

10 Then Paul, after that the governor had beckoned unto him to speak, answered, Forasmuch as I know that thou hast been of many years a judge unto this nation, I do the more cheerfully answer for myself:

11 Because that thou mayest understand, that there are yet but twelve days since I went up to Jerusalem for to worship.

12 And they neither found me in the temple adisputing with any man, neither raising up the people, neither in the synagogues, nor in the city:

13 Neither can they prove the things whereof they now accuse me.

14 But this I confess unto thee, that after the way which they call heresy, so worship I the God of my fathers, believing all things which are written in the law and in the aprophets:

15 And have hope toward God, which they themselves also allow, that there shall be a aresurrection of the dead, both of the just and unjust.

16 And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a aconscience void of offence toward God, and toward men.

17 Now after many years I came to bring aalms to my nation, and offerings.

18 Whereupon certain Jews from Asia found me apurified in the temple, neither with multitude, nor with tumult.

19 Who ought to have been here before thee, and object, if they had ought against me.

20 Or else let these same here say, if they have found any evil doing in me, while I stood before the council,

21 Except it be for this one voice, that I cried standing among them, Touching the aresurrection of the dead I am called in question by you this day.

Acts 24:10-21

What stands out to you about what Paul said? What do you think of his defense strategy?

After hearing both sides, Felix stalled by saying he needed to talk with Lysius before making a decision. Felix actually hoped to work out some sort of a bribe in exchange for Paul’s freedom. Apparently, nothing panned out, because two years later, Paul was still in Caesarea on house arrest when the governorship of Caesarea transferred to new leadership under Porcius Festus (Acts 24:22-27).

Paul’s voyage from Caesarea to Rome, courtesy of Sweet Publishing via freebibleimages.org

Within days of Festus’s appointment, Ananias lobbied Festus for custody of Paul (Acts 25:1-3)

9 But Festus, willing to do the Jews a pleasure, answered Paul, and said, Wilt thou go up to Jerusalem, and there be judged of these things before me?

10 Then said Paul, I stand at Cæsar’s judgment seat, where I ought to be judged: to the Jews have I done no wrong, as thou very well knowest.

11 For if I be an offender, or have committed any thing worthy of death, I refuse not to die: but if there be none of these things whereof these accuse me, no man may deliver me unto them. I appeal unto aCæsar.

12 Then Festus, when he had conferred with the council, answered, Hast thou appealed unto Cæsar? unto Cæsar shalt thou go.

Acts 25:9-12

But Festus couldn’t just put Paul on a boat and send him off to Caesar with no explanation, and he was struggling to identify any crimes Paul had committed (Acts 25:24-27). He consulted with Herod Agrippa II, the current Rome-affiliated ruler of Israel, and grandson of the Herod who ruled Israel at the time of Jesus Christ’s birth. (See Who was Herod Agrippa II?) Agrippa agreed to join Festus in hearing Paul’s case (Acts 25:22).

Paul began his testimony by expressing his pleasure at the opportunity to speak with Agrippa.

2 I think myself happy, king Agrippa, because I shall answer for myself this day before thee touching all the things whereof I am accused of the Jews:

3 Especially because I know thee to be expert in all customs and questions which are among the Jews: wherefore I beseech thee to hear me patiently.

Acts 26:2-3

He then recounted his conversion story (Acts 26:4-14) and finished up by declaring his mission to preach to the Gentiles.

15 And I said, Who art thou, Lord? And he said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest.

16 But rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have aappeared unto thee for this purpose, to make thee a minister and a bwitness both of these things which thou hast seen, and of those things in the which I will appear unto thee;

17 Delivering thee from the people, and from the Gentiles, unto whom now I asend thee,

18 To open their eyes, and to turn them from adarkness to blight, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.

19 Whereupon, O king Agrippa, I was not adisobedient unto the heavenly bvision:

20 But shewed first unto them of Damascus, and at Jerusalem, and throughout all the coasts of Judæa, and then to the Gentiles, that they should repent and turn to God, and do works meet for repentance.

21 For these causes the Jews caught me in the temple, and went about to akill me.

22 Having therefore obtained help of God, I continue unto this day, witnessing both to small and great, saying none other things than those which the aprophets and Moses did say should come:

23 That Christ should asuffer, and that he should be the first that should brise from the dead, and should shew light unto the people, and to the Gentiles.

Acts 26:15-23

What stands out to you about what Paul said?

The Bible reports how Festus and Agrippa reacted.

24 And as he thus spake for himself, Festus said with a loud voice, Paul, thou art beside thyself; much learning doth make thee mad.
25 But he said, I am not mad, most noble Festus; but speak forth the words of truth and soberness.
26 For the king knoweth of these things, before whom also I speak freely: for I am persuaded that none of these things are hidden from him; for this thing was not done in a corner.
27 King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that thou believest.
28 Then Agrippa said unto Paul, Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.
29 And Paul said, I would to God, that not only thou, but also all that hear me this day, were both almost, and altogether such as I am, except these bonds.

Acts 26:24-29

In the King James Version of the Bible, Agrippa says, he is “almost persuaded” to be a Christian.

Do you ever feel “almost” (but not quite) persuaded to be Christian? What does that look like in your life?How can we find motivation to become “altogether” Christian? What steps could we take to deepen our commitment to Christ?

While some other Bible translations translate Agrippa’s words in a similar way to the King James Version, others translate out more like this:

Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”

Acts 26:28, International version

If this is what Agrippa said, he was mocking Paul for attempting to convert him during his short opportunity to testify.

Was it worth the effort for Paul to share his testimony, even if his audience was unlikely to have a change of heart so quickly? Why or why not?

After questioning Paul, Festus, Agrippa and the other officials present discussed his case.

31 And when they were gone aside, they talked between themselves, saying, This man doeth nothing worthy of adeath or of bonds.

32 Then said Agrippa unto Festus, This man might have been set at liberty, if he had not appealed unto aCæsar.

Acts 26:31-32

Why do you think Paul appealed to Casear? Was this a wise strategy or a mistake?Shipwrecked in Malta

Festus put Paul on a ship to Rome, and at last, Paul was going exactly where he had wanted to go for years (Acts 27:1-2). Sure, he was still a prisoner, but let’s look at the half-full part of the glass, okay?

Eventually, sailing conditions became rough. Paul tried to convince the crew to pause the journey, but he could not persuade them (Acts 27:9-11).

18 And we being exceedingly tossed with a tempest, the next day they lightened the ship

Acts 27:18

What a gem of truth is tucked into this seemingly innocuous and often-overlooked verse. What is one of the most powerful ways to survive a storm at sea?

Lighten your load!

How many of us when suffering or struggling think to immediately lighten our loads? To throw overboard sin, anger, despair, pride. To cast off bad habits, erroneous thinking, failed dreams?

Why would we want to carry to the Promised Land anything from the past that would tie us to the past?

—Taylor Halverson, Our Lives Are Like Storm-Tossed Seas. What Should We Throw Overboard? July 29. 2019

What are some heavy burdens we might consider casting aside to lighten our own loads?How has metaphorically lightening your load helped you in a crisis?

As the storm worsened, Paul couldn’t resist saying, “I told you so.”

21 But after long abstinence Paul stood forth in the midst of them, and said, Sirs, ye should have hearkened unto me, and not have loosed from Crete, and to have gained this harm and loss.

Acts 27:21

But he also had some words of comfort:

22 And now I exhort you to be of good cheer: for there shall be no loss of any man’s alife among you, but of the ship.

23 For there stood by me this night the aangel of God, whose I am, and whom I serve,

24 Saying, Fear not, Paul; thou must be brought before Cæsar: and, lo, God hath given thee all them that sail with thee.

25 Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me.

Acts 27:22-25

But he finished up with a bit of bad news. They would be shipwrecked:

26 Howbeit we must be cast upon a certain island.

Acts 27:26

What can we learn about Paul from what he said in the midst of this crisis?Is there anything Paul did that we could emulate? Any missteps we could avoid?

Paul and his fellow travelers were shipwrecked at Malta (Melita), where Paul impressed the locals by surviving a snake bite (Acts 28:1-6). Paul was there for three months, and spent much of that time befriending and healing people in the local community (Acts 28:7-11).

Preaching in Rome

Finally, Paul’s jailers attained a new ship and sailed the rest of the way to Rome (Acts 28:11-15). Paul arrived in Rome as a prisoner, not as a missionary, and yet, he found a way to fulfill his mission in spite of the circumstances.

16 And when we came to Rome, the centurion delivered the prisoners to the captain of the guard: but Paul was suffered to dwell by himself with a soldier that kept him.

17 And it came to pass, that after three days Paul called the chief of the Jews together: and when they were come together, he said unto them, Men and brethren, though I have committed nothing against the people, or customs of our fathers, yet was I delivered prisoner from Jerusalem into the hands of the Romans.

18 Who, when they had examined me, would have let me go, because there was no cause of death in me.

19 But when the Jews spake against it, I was constrained to appeal unto Cæsar; not that I had ought to accuse my nation of.

20 For this cause therefore have I called for you, to see you, and to speak with you: because that for the ahope of Israel I am bound with this chain.

21 And they said unto him, We neither received letters out of Judæa concerning thee, neither any of the brethren that came shewed or spake any harm of thee.

22 But we desire to hear of thee what thou thinkest: for as concerning this sect, we know that every where it is spoken against.

23 And when they had appointed him a day, there came many to him into his lodging; to whom he aexpounded and testified the kingdom of God, persuading them concerning Jesus, both out of the law of Moses, and out of the bprophets, from morning till evening.

24 And some believed the things which were spoken, and some abelieved not…

30 And Paul dwelt two whole years in his own hired house, and received all that came in unto him,

31 Preaching the kingdom of God, and teaching those things which concern the Lord Jesus Christ, with all confidence, no man forbidding him.

Acts 28: 16-24, 30-31

What can we learn from Paul and his journey to Rome?How can we apply what we learned from Paul to our own life journeys?

Yohan Perera wrote about what Paul taught him about leadership during this journey.

How did Paul demonstrate leadership over the course of this journey?How can we emulate Paul’s leadership style in our own lives?

1. Expected the Unexpected

A. Paul expected what others never expected. Not even in their wildest dreams, (Acts 27:9-12)

B. He was a visionary leader. He wasn’t driven by what he saw but by the wisdom of God, (Acts 27:13)

C. Ask God for wisdom that you will see a crisis in advance and prepare yourself.

In the midst of a terrible storm they get shipwrecked on the island of Malta (Acts 27:13 – 28:1)

2. Remembered God’s Purpose

A. Paul was aware of God’s plan and purpose. He believed in God for His Word, (Acts 9:15-16)

B. He shrewdly appealed to Caesar and arranged to sail to Rome so that he could preach to Romans! (Acts 27:23-25)

C. When in crisis, remember God’s purpose. It helps to maintain focus on the mission.

3. Took control of the Situation

A. Paul didn’t blame others but had faith in God and sustained hope, (Acts 27:21-25)

B. He assumed leadership, took control, and devised a plan to deal with the situation at hand, (Acts 27:26)

C. Leaders are called to sustain hope, control situations, devise plans, and take action.

4. Maintained a composed Attitude

A. In the middle of the havoc, Paul gathers a pile of brushwood. A sign of composed attitude, (Acts 28:3)

B. It is Paul’s composed attitude that gave him the ability to lead his team. It was a gift from God.

C. Leaders with composed attitudes always win the trust of their followers. Every leader must pray to God for that gift.

5. Remembered his Identity

A. The Maltese were swift to judge. They believed Paul is a criminal and later a god, (Acts 28:3-6)

B. Paul wasn’t concerned. He knew he is not a sinner or a god. Rather used the opportunity to minister.

C. When criticized, leaders must remember their identity in God because seeking to silence the critiques distracts them from the task.

6. Didn’t stop Leading

A. The bad weather forced Paul to stay in Malta for 3 months. He didn’t have control of the weather.

B. He continued to lead instead of sitting idle and cursing the weather, (Acts 28:8-11)

C. Godly leaders transform crises into new opportunities for leading. They don’t give excuses.

—Yohan Perera, Leadership Lessons from Paul’s Shipwreck, July 5, 2012

Gender Affirming Care: Simple Words, Complex Emotions

This piece was commissioned as part of the In Our Own Words series, which seeks to share the voices and experiences of marginalized individuals. You can find all of the pieces in this series here.

By Valerie Nicole Green

I am profoundly disheartened by the various states currently considering or implementing prohibitions against transgender youth gender affirming care. My heart is broken for the affected children in the states where these horrible and discriminatory laws will harm an entire generation of transgender individuals and their families. 

As I look back on my life, I’m reminded of the many times that I wished that I had access to some of the care that is available to youth today. I longed for the dream of transitioning as a child. I didn’t have access, whether because it didn’t exist, my family would never have pursued it, or we simply were unaware of its existence.

That feeling must pale in comparison to the youth of today who, through the power of the internet, are so much more aware of the options that are available to them. WPATH, the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (previously known as HBIGDA, the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association) didn’t even exist until I was around fifteen years old in 1979. Its existence is easily discoverable by almost all the youth in our society today. Knowing that gender affirming care exists and is being legislatively denied can have devastating consequences to our transgender youth today.

I knew I was different for practically my entire life. I have memories of yearning for a life in the feminine world from my earliest memories, around four years old. I became aware that surgical reassignment was possible in my early teens (I remember it as 10 or 11, but facts prove me wrong) when I read about Dr Renée Richards, the first and only (that we know of) transgender woman to play professional tennis.

What follows are more recent experiences. These are experiences that I found painful. They are experiences I may have avoided with early gender affirming care that could have been spared me the ravages of a puberty that I did not want to experience. I desperately hope that younger transgender people can be spared.

I want to emphasize, especially for those who may recognize themselves in these stories, that I am not calling anyone out and that I believe no one did anything intentionally.

I attended a women’s retreat in 2022 as a first-year attendee. I attended again this year. But I can tell you that I had second thoughts about staying (or just continuing participation) for the remainder of the retreat that first year and questioned whether I’d ever be returning.

I was welcomed. I was included. I was loved.

I was also strongly triggered.

I walk into any female space with just a bit of trepidation and with my shields up because I know I have physical characteristics that belie my development before transition. Will those characteristics affect the way I am seen, included, treated, trusted? To some extent, yes.

An important lesson I learned that first year is that it can be painful to be in a place where everyone is there to heal in some way. Sometimes there are emotionally raw moments for others that expose your own. I know now that I may encounter them and I’m glad to say that I was able to adapt that first year, though it cost me a nearly sleepless night and a few silent tears (didn’t want to wake my roommate) that first evening.

On the first evening, we were all standing around in a common room and chatting. I’m an introvert, so this is already hard for me. I’m also aware of the timbre and resonance of my voice and that it can be a dead giveaway of the puberty I experienced, so I don’t like talking in general in women’s spaces. But I was slowly fitting in. Just as I was feeling comfortable, a woman joined our small group. She walked up to me and said (paraphrasing) “Oh, a tall person. I always like to be near people who are taller than me so I don’t stand out so much”. To be clear, this was a perfectly reasonable and friendly thing to say. It’s a way to break an awkward silence. How could she have known how much I hate being taller than the other women around me. At 5’11” (apparently, I lost an inch somewhere in my middle age), I often tower above other women. I hate it.

It’s not as though I don’t know other women who are as tall or taller than me. A dear friend, a cisgender woman, is 6’3” and I know that no one would ever peg her as anything other than a cisgender woman. I also don’t know whether she would be similarly bothered by comments about her height. Maybe. I’ve never asked her. If I’d been seen as a girl/woman my entire life, perhaps my height wouldn’t bother me so much. As it is, it’s a painful reminder. In my mind, my height is still a dead giveaway and is one of those physical characteristics that early care might have helped me avoid.

This 2022 retreat was attended solely by women. Everyone was asked to indicate their pronouns upon registration, and at the opening group session we confirmed that everyone in attendance was using she/her pronouns. That should make it simple, when into the second or third day, to avoid misgendering someone. Nope. At lunch the second day, I got misgendered. That is always painful. It’s gut wrenching. It instantly brings up an unpleasant past that I would rather just forget ever existed.

Everyone has been socially conditioned to recognize and react to physical characteristics in gendered ways. Clothing, hair, makeup (or lack thereof), size, and voice qualities are all things we are socially trained to interpret in gendered terms, and we are then socialized to respond in gendered language and actions. Sitting at lunch, the most likely thing to trigger a misgendering is my voice. Consequently, I hate my voice. I’ve made some attempts to change it. I may take further actions in the future to change it.

Most transgender people I know are very much aware of the difference between an accidental slip and a malicious use of gendered terms. We give a lot of grace to those who make the occasional mistake. I’m grateful when someone instantly realizes it, quickly and simply apologizes, and moves on. That’s the right thing to do for such a mistake.

So, if I understand simple mistakes and offer grace to the other party, why is it still such a painful experience? Because it reinforces the idea that I’m not fully seen as a woman. It tells me that no matter what I’ve done to this point, no matter how many steps I’ve taken in my journey, no matter what has been done to make me feel included and that I belong, I’m still being seen as “a man in a dress.” It tells me that the other person still sees me as, at worst, male, or, at best, a transgender woman — not simply a woman, but a transgender woman. It reinforces the idea of being different (in an unwelcome way) and being othered. It hurts. I’m proud to represent, in some small way, the transgender community. I don’t shy away from it. But that distinction between being a transgender (or a cisgender) woman only belongs in discussions when the distinctions are important such as during discussions with my medical professionals or discussions about gender identity.

Almost ten months later I had an opportunity to head out to a weekend with all queer women and AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) non-binary individuals. This group knew each other from on-line interactions and decided to get together to get to know each other better. Some were couples, some were attending alone from mixed orientation relationships, and some were single. It was a delightful weekend of music, games, hiking, swimming, food, more games, and just general fun with some wonderful people. Everyone there had either she/her or they/them pronouns. It felt like a safe space for everyone. For a couple of attendees, this was the first time they had been in a group where they could be themselves openly with zero judgement and full acceptance. That was wonderful. We had a great time.

You might think that this would be another place where it would be next to impossible to be misgendered by a member of the group. You spend a couple of days with your people and everything is going swimmingly. But then you get into a conversation and someone casually (and accidentally) misgenders you. It was obviously a mistake. It was rectified swiftly and appropriately.

But. It’s. Still. There.

Sigh. My mood the rest of the day was cloudy. You might think that this pain goes away over time. It actually gets worse. I can go months without being misgendered and suddenly it occurs out of the blue. It is always a gut punch. I think it’s worse when I’ve interacted with someone a lot and it suddenly pops out. The message I get is always the same. It tells me that I’m still seen as AMAB (Assigned Male At Birth). Something they perceive about me still tells them that I’m transgender rather than cisgender. It’s something I wish would go away and never come back.

Being misgendered hurts. Quickly apologizing and moving on is the right thing to do. But consider that your one act of misgendering may be a transgender person’s fifth time that day or the tenth time that week. If you love your transgender siblings, please make every effort to use appropriately gendered language. Being reminded of the physical characteristics that resulted from the wrong puberty also hurts. Please endeavor to use language that doesn’t highlight their physical characteristics.

Valerie Nicole Green is a transgender woman who is active in her ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Missouri. Before transitioning, she was married for 34 years and is now widowed. She is a parent to five children and grandparent to six grandchildren. After five decades of waiting, she has been fully socially transitioned since January 1, 2019. She loves tennis and pickles (and her family when they’re behaving).

Call for Photos for Exponent II’s 50th Anniversary

Next year, Exponent II celebrates its 50th anniversary. We need the help of current and former volunteers and participants to gather photos.

Heather Sundahl and I are working hard editing the book Fifty Years of Exponent II to be published by Signature Books in 2024. We will be able to include some photos and images in the book. We have some great options already, but we are hoping to gather more photos to consider using. In addition to the book, there may also be opportunities to include photos on the blog, in the magazine, on social media, or in event slideshows as part of the anniversary celebrations.

We are looking for photos from Exponent II gatherings—the annual retreat, board retreats, discussion groups, staff meetings, conferences, launch parties, or other events. Please only submit photographs that you own and that will not betray a confidence if shared.

Please email your submissions to Exponent2History at gmail.com. For each photo, please include (to the best of your ability) the names of those pictured, the location, and the year taken. By emailing a photo, you grant permission for the photo to be considered or used for publication in the Fifty Years of Exponent II book, on the blog or in Exponent II magazine, or included in social media posts, marketing material, or events.

Thank you! We look forward to celebrating this organization’s history with you!

When You Gender Swap It, The Church’s Roles for Women Sound Ridiculous

Several months ago, I typed “women” into the search bar on lds.org to see what popped up. The second search result was an entry in the Gospel Topics section called “Women in the Church.” [1] This essay is one among dozens of Gospel Topics entries, arranged alphabetically from Aaronic Priesthood to Zion, on the Church’s website. [2] Here it is in its entirety:

Women in the ChurchOverview

Women are a necessary part of the plan of happiness, and that plan cannot operate without them. Women participate in the work of salvation, which includes missionary work, convert retention, activation of less-active members, temple and family history work, teaching the gospel, and caring for the poor and needy. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in the Church is given the responsibility to know and defend the divine roles of women, which include that of wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. They stand strong and immovable in faith, in family, and in relief. Women participate in councils that oversee congregational activities throughout the world. They also have, by divine nature, the greater gift and responsibility for home and children and nurturing there and in other settings.

Women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints belong to and serve as leaders in the Relief Society. Women also serve and lead the Young Women organization for girls ages 12 to 18 years old and the Primary organization for all children ages 18 months to 11 years. Women also teach in the Sunday School. Women are given the opportunity to pray in the meetings of the Church and also speak in meetings on the local and general level of the Church.

When women serve as the president of the Relief Society, Young Women, or Primary, they participate in council meetings and decisions that are made concerning the members of the Church in their unit.

Let’s look at some of the language used here, specifically action words and descriptors:

The word “participate” is used three times: “Women participate in the work of salvation…,” “Women participate in councils that oversee congregational activities throughout the world,” and “When women serve as the president of the Relief Society, Young Women, or Primary, they participate in council meetings and decisions that are made concerning the members of the Church in their unit.”

Note what is not said, but is implied: women do not lead council meetings, nor do they make decisions concerning their congregations–they are mere participants, and the decisions are made, overseen, or approved by the male leaders of those councils. Women participate in the work of salvation in all the listed activities at the discretion of the men who lead or facilitate that work.

“As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in the Church is given the responsibility to know and defend the divine roles of women, which include that of wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.”

This is possibly the strangest sentence I’ve ever read. How does being a disciple of Christ have anything to do with gender roles in general, much less with knowing or defending that women can be an aunt or a friend? From whom or what are women defending these roles? Reading this sentence with its six “divine female roles,” which are just relational titles to other people, and the made-up charge to “know and defend” them actually makes it even more clear how little real responsibility women are given in the church. “Responsibility to know and defend” sounds really important, like maybe women in the church have their own special thing to do, but it turns out that knowing women can be sisters and daughters is not an idea that is obscure or under attack. 

Imagine a sentence that starts with “As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every man in the Church is given the responsibility to…”  and it’s easy to fill in the blank: Hold the priesthood. Lead his family. Perform ordinances. Serve in leadership capacities in priesthood offices. But, to give some credit to the poor anonymous person who wrote this essay, “As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in the Church is given the responsibility to…” is a much harder sentence to finish because there is no female analogue for male priesthood. Be a mother? Not all women are mothers. Participate in Relief Society?  I guess that works. “Know and defend the divine roles of women, which include that of wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend”? That feels like a reach, a cringe-worthy attempt to give women a uniquely female, gendered charge that doesn’t actually exist. But why does being a disciple of Christ need to have gendered responsibilities at all? “Disciple” is not a gendered word. 

“[Women] also have, by divine nature, the greater gift and responsibility for home and children and nurturing there and in other settings.”

Again, let’s finish this sentence: “Men have, by divine nature, the greater gift and responsibility for…” This one is harder. Leadership? I haven’t heard the church explicitly suggest that men are innately better leaders in decades. Presiding? Whatever that actually means. The words “divine nature” in church discourse apply frequently to women regarding their purported innate, God-given gift to nurture. But if these gifts were truly innate and given to all women, there would be no need to “defend” or teach these roles because everyone would just do them. What of the women for whom nurturing or caring for home or children does not come naturally?

“Women are given the opportunity to pray…and also speak in meetings on the local and general level of the Church.”

This passive sentence is very telling: women are given the opportunity by men to pray and speak in meetings. Only women who are asked or approved by men can pray or speak. 

After unpacking some of the issues in this entry, I curiously scrolled through the alphabetized list to find the corresponding entry on “Men in the Church” so I could compare it with the three brief paragraphs regarding women, but such an entry did not exist. To correct this oversight (how sad the men must feel to not have their roles in the church acknowledged!) I’ve gender-swapped the women’s entry.

Men in the ChurchOverview

Men are a necessary part of the plan of happiness, and that plan cannot operate without them. Men participate in the work of salvation, which includes missionary work, convert retention, activation of less-active members, temple and family history work, teaching the gospel, and caring for the poor and needy. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every man in the Church is given the responsibility to know and defend the divine roles of men, which include that of husband, father, son, brother, uncle, and friend. They stand strong and immovable in faith, in family, and in relief. Men participate in councils that oversee congregational activities throughout the world. They also have, by divine nature, the greater gift and responsibility for home and children and nurturing there and in other settings.

Men in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints belong to and serve as leaders in the Relief Society. Men also serve and lead the Young Men organization for boys ages 12 to 18 years old and the Primary organization for all children ages 18 months to 11 years. Men also teach in the Sunday School. Men are given the opportunity to pray in the meetings of the Church and also speak in meetings on the local and general level of the Church.

When men serve as the president of the Relief Society, Young Men, or Primary, they participate in council meetings and decisions that are made concerning the members of the Church in their unit.

Gender-swapping the language reveals how silly this article is in the first place. As it turns out, men do not need a gospel topics blurb about their roles in the church because those roles are apparent and obvious. Men are never told that they are “a necessary part of the plan of happiness” which “cannot operate without them” because they are centralized in that plan. Men are necessary, and the plan of happiness can’t work without them, and those points are so self-evident that they don’t ever need to be said. Men are likewise never told that their voices are important, or that their role is essential, or that they are important or necessary because there has never been any question about the importance of men in the church.

Men are so important that it didn’t even occur to anyone to include a “Men in the Church” Gospel Topics entry because men’s roles are readily apparent and obviously essential. The fact that the felt it necessary to include a brief but still disingenuously inflated three paragraphs about women’s role in the church should give us all pause.

[1] I performed the same search right before publishing this post, and it appears the algorithm has changed as this article doesn’t appear in the first couple pages of search results.

[2]  The more controversial subjects, such as polygamy or Race and the Priesthood, are covered on a separate, slightly more difficult to find page called Gospel Topics Essays.

A Church That Breaks People

AUTHORS NOTE: I accidentally published a very rough draft of this post last Friday. I’ve been waiting for the day I finally did something like that, and it happened! So if you read that one and wondered why it was weird (and then disappeared)…that’s why. This is my attempt at the finished post now.

I’ve heard some variation of the following lines many, many times in my life:

“Michael left the church and became an alcoholic, then his wife left him and he lost his job. He thought he’d be happier not having to follow all the rules of the church, but he was wrong.”

“Susan totally went off the deep end after she was offended by someone in the ward. She left the church, then she started drinking and smoking weed. She’s been in two abusive relationships and had to go to a women’s shelter. I’m so grateful I’ve stayed true to the church where I’ve been safe and protected by following the prophet.”

“After Jim left the church he decided he was gay. He divorced his wife and now she doesn’t let him see his kids much. He’s very depressed and I heard he tried to take his own life. Like the scriptures say, wickedness never was happiness.”

Church members sometimes appear to relish in the fact that a person’s life falls apart after they leave the church, but it’s not something to be proud of. I think it means something is wrong with the institution itself, not the people leaving it.

 BYU alumni Devin Sudweeks holds a sign expressing the harm the LDS church caused him as a queer BYU student. (Leah Hogsten | The Salt Lake Tribune) 

I believe that a truly healthy organization would set people up for success no matter where they end up or what they do after their affiliation with the group. You’d find former members saying, “I only spent a few years in my twenties as an active LDS member, but it impacted me for the better in every possible way.” Unfortunately, you don’t hear this very often.

Think of other organizations in the world. Can you imagine Harvard University saying, “Geez, people leave here and their life just SUCKS after. We’re so proud of that! We know it means we’re great if people are only happy if they never graduate and go anywhere else.”

Or imagine the local rotary club saying, “We have such amazing activities and service projects. Anytime someone leaves us, they go with such an empty hole in their soul that they typically turn into alcoholic outcasts. Nobody invites them to family dinners anymore. They miss what they had with us so much that they’re miserable without us forever afterwards. They literally never recover.”

What if the Catholic Church bragged, “Anyone who has spent any amount of time worshiping with us and leaves to pursue a different form of spirituality is generally crushed with anxiety and depression because we are so awesome that they can’t handle missing us. They still know we’re the best and would come back in a heartbeat if they weren’t so embarrassed at how awful their life is after leaving us.”

You could argue that some of these organizations (like a university) are designed to have people moving in and out, while the LDS church is designed to keep people in from birth to death. That’s true, however – there is overwhelming evidence that staying from birth to death is not the reality for many, many members in 2023. There are plenty of people who leave and never come back, and even those who do return often spend many years of their life inactive. One would be hard pressed to find anyone in the church today who doesn’t have someone they love in their family, friend group or ward who has left permanently – and members should care about those people’s happiness even if they personally choose to stay in the church while their loved one doesn’t.

You can point out that some organizations (like a rotary club) are far less serious and consequential to our eternal lives, and while that is true – shouldn’t that just mean that a religious organization should have that much more of a positive effect on the people in it, even if it’s only briefly? If a rotary club sends people out to be a little more service oriented for the rest of their lives, shouldn’t the one true church send people out into the world with much more as well? Shouldn’t they have been touched by something so great that their lives are enriched and blessed tenfold, even if it no longer has a place in their belief system?

You can debate that another church (like the Catholic Church) simply isn’t true, so it also doesn’t apply the same way as our church does. But Catholic members believe it’s true. There is no way to prove they are wrong and we are right. There are literally billions of religious people alive today who are kind, loving, and don’t believe in the LDS church. If people can leave other churches they once believed in and do fine after, shouldn’t people be able to do the same after being part of our church?

So why are people leaving the LDS church? I don’t believe it’s because they’re bad people. They might be leaving because they (or people they love) feel discriminated against. They could leave because they learn disturbing church history about leaders they once admired (with crimes so bad at times they’d be sentenced to a life in prison for them nowadays). They’re leaving because as much as they love their bishop, their relief society, the temple, family history, their in-laws and their Sunday school class – they can’t reconcile that with all of the damage and pain and dishonesty they’ve uncovered with their personal moral compass. Making that difficult decision does not make them weak or wanting to sin – it makes them good people grappling with wildly difficult decisions that will impact every piece of their lives. These decisions aren’t made lightly.

Good people leave the church for good reasons. (And to be clear, good people also stay in the church for good reasons.) When someone who was good while a member of the church leaves and their life subsequently crumbles, I don’t believe it’s because something was wrong with them. I think there was something wrong with the organization and culture that they left.

You see, despite preaching free agency and personal revelation, members and leaders talk badly at church about those who use their agency to choose a different path than theirs. What is the point of the freedom to choose (that we supposedly fought for before this life) if anyone who takes advantage of the option to choose becomes an outcast?

Those who leave often aren’t supported, loved, or even listened to. They are frequently othered, ignored and gossiped about. I combed through some online forums and very quickly found the following examples of the pain leaving the church can cause. (All are public images or used with permission of the authors.)

In the comments that followed this online post, other women who had left the church shared having panic attacks, shingles from the stress, insomnia, anxiety dreams when they did sleep, migraines, loss of appetite or overeating, grinding teeth, they couldn’t get out of bed, thoughts of never existing, aging ten years in two years time, stress headaches and stomachaches, shaking, body numbness, and more. This was posted by a woman less than a week before this blog post was published and I asked if I could share her words. This was a public review of a woman’s LDS meetinghouse from the ward she grew up in. This sign was carried at a 2019 protest against BYU’s ever changing policies for LGBTQ students. These statistics are never acceptable, especially in places that purport to be safe havens for everyone. Author’s note: PIMO means “physically in, mentally out”, and is a term for those who don’t believe in the church but still choose to attend and participate for one reason or another (often for a spouse or family member). SA stands for “sexual assault”. This woman’s assault happened at church by a priesthood leader. A woman carries her baby and sign to church headquarters in Salt Lake City during a protest march begging church leaders to stop one on one, unsupervised bishop interviews with youth. Many former members struggle with the complexity of a mixed faith marriage, something that the church and its members do a poor job of helping to navigate. Rather than reinforcing commitment and love despite a difference in beliefs, many active members have been encouraged to just divorce their unbelieving spouse by friends and local leadership. MFM stands for “mixed faith marriage”. After leaving a high demand religion such as the LDS church, it’s common to have triggers that bring unwanted anxiety and stress as you try to adjust to a new life.When a change of faith is the last thing you wished for, relationships can be very painful after someone you love is taught to blame you for what has happened.

I happen to be a military spouse, and so the algorithms on Facebook frequently show me military related content. The morning before posting this blog, this post popped up in my feed:

 

I noticed the supportive comments written to this soldier who was dealing with trauma by abusing alcohol. Their responses are appropriate and compassionate to the situation. No one accused him of drinking heavily because he was lazy and just wanted to sin. They acknowledged that his abuse of alcohol was a coping mechanism for something difficult he’d experienced, and they offered him love and support.

Members of our religous community could learn from this example and begin to extend the same grace to former believers that they would to a war veteran – because if years of therapy and antidepressants are a staple for those leaving a religion, it’s time to consider fixing the religion rather than blaming the former members.

The Letter of the Law vs the Spirit of the Law

Recently, a speaker in sacrament lamented the loss of a branch of his family to the LDS church due to the actions of one man. The story goes like this: One Sunday, the man came to church and was asked to say a sacrament prayer. He stayed for the sacrament, said the prayer, and never returned to church again. The leaders had offended him by not asking him to pray in advance. His sin of being offended had the long-lasting effect of distancing his progeny from the church.

For the speaker, this story goes into the every-growing list of examples of the dangers of “choosing to be offended.” While this may qualify (and also could be an over-simplification of a family story to explain apostasy), I think there is another, real issue here that Latter-day Saints willfully overlook: the dangers of strict adherence to the letter of the law over the spirit of the law.

When I heard this man’s story, my sympathy for his situation surprised me. He felt familiar to me; a representation of many Mormon men and women I’ve known over the years. Good, faithful, obedient people who follow all of the rules and give everything to the church. Have a question? Consult the handbook. Want to spend money or change something? Ask the Bishop’s permission. Want to be blessed and rid yourself of agonizing over decisions? Look for prophetic direction. Exact obedience. Exact obedience.

In fact, isn’t church correlation also part of this same mindset? Let’s line everyone and everything up worldwide to adopt the same practices, use the same manuals, utilize the same calendars, and follow the same handbooks. Our male missionaries will be instantly recognizable in their uniforms. Somehow, even female missionaries will manage this in the more colorful, varied clothes they select.

The LDS church idealizes and rewards conformity. We use it to achieve positive ends; unity, obedience, and faithfulness. Unfortunately, we also use it outwardly to prove our righteousness, to judge others, and to simplify complexity. The man in our sacrament story had a rigid view of righteousness and the right way to be exactly obedient. I don’t want to live this way, but it’s not hard to see how someone might interpret righteousness in Mormonism this way.

Levels of cultural conformity (often transformed into set, assumed rules everyone follows) are often determined by geography or the dreaded “bishopric roulette.” How many of us have heard that no ties with cartoon/garish characters are allowed when passing the sacrament? What about bow ties? Should a man always be the concluding speaker? Is it okay to pass or take the sacrament with your left hand? Do energy drinks or caffeinated sodas break the word of wisdom? What about eating meat in the summer? Should women give the closing prayer? How many earrings are acceptable for women? Do you need a temple recommend to stand in a baby blessing circle? Can a woman hold a baby during a blessing? Can a woman choose the member of the family who says the prayer when her father/husband is present?

These are all questions I’ve watched and listened to people wrestle with/argue over/draw divisions over first-hand.

Lay these things out in this way and perhaps they seem trivial. But if your life is balanced on exact obedience and following the letter of the law, if you are sacrificing it all in your commitment to the promises of doing things the right way, then they become less trivial. They are markers of true discipleship and ways to “help” people learn and practice obedience. I’m certain that the man from our story at the beginning of this post learned the true order of organizing a sacrament meeting and he expected true leaders to know and follow it as well. (I also suspect that more was brewing beneath the surface here, but I’m not privy to that information).

I recently read Unfollow by Megan Phelps-Roper, formerly of the Westboro Baptist Church. I’ve watched and read about several cults and religious extremism. We want to believe they are too extreme to be similar to any mainstream religion, but it’s simply not true. Many of these groups take similar religious principles of obedience, faith, and exactness, but move them to the extreme. They value the collective over the individual, they demand exactness, they are quick to punish mistakes, they shun disobedience or questioning, and they stamp out questions that threaten authority. They preach safety in exactness and following rules over compassion and wrestling with human complexities.

Yet, they are also often made up of dynamic, intelligent, curious people. They are seeking somewhere to direct their passion and drive. Exactness, firm answers, and clear directives give them purpose. They are part of something larger than themselves and more important than anything else; including relationships. Exact obedience to the letter of the law is what keeps them safe and righteous. While this may lead some to ignore/miss fallibility in leaders, others demand infallibility of everyone in their zealousness.

Perhaps we might argue that LDS leaders are urging exact obedience to the spirit and direction from God. This is the spirit of the law, not the letter, right? But, we love to tell stories of people who are exact in their following of the law: ditch double piercings the moment the prophet says LDS women only wear one; start using an updated manual the moment it is released without questioning changes; switch from declaring “I’m a Mormon” in million-dollar campaigns to piously wrinkling your nose and declaring “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints” because the new prophet dislikes the nickname; prevent young men from passing the sacrament who don’t have a white shirt because a Stake President believes it is essential; require pants at Girl’s Camp because it is modest, but allow young men to play sports shirtless and never moderate the length of their shorts; avoid face cards because of the appearance of evil; never do anything on Sunday outside of strict rules without exceptions for families, teams, or community. The list can go on and on. Exact obedience when it is convenient and keeps people in line. Flexibility when it isn’t.

Yet, we have this culture of exactness and conformity where people cling to ways of performing righteousness, and then they can be changed without direction, conversation, or even acknowledgment. Suddenly, missionaries can have regular calls home. Female missionaries can wear pants during the week. (Some) women can hold a baby during a blessing and it’s no big deal. Tattoos and piercings are a personal decision. Church is two hours. Prayers are omitted from second hour. Prayers are added back to second hour. The themes people memorized for decades are updated. Beards are forbidden at BYU and frowned upon elsewhere. Beards are not a big deal. Caffeinated soda is strictly avoided. Caffeinated soda is now sold at “the Lord’s University.” The Church Handbook is a sacred manual for a select few male leaders. The Church Handbook is available online for everyone. And you just change, accept it, and act like it’s always been this way (even though you may have shunned someone for something or rigorously defended a now-defunct practice yesterday).

While I wholeheartedly side with fewer handbooks and directives and more listening to the spirit, I get how this can give some members whiplash. Church leaders can’t hammer in the letter of the law and exactness to build testimonies, then be shocked when members don’t know how to transition to the much more difficult and complex spirit of the law. They can’t dismiss people who leave as “choosing to be offended” and refuse to discuss deeper issues, then be surprised by the consequences.

It strikes me as important that both people like me, who have serious questions and long for less conformity and more compassion, and people like this man, who have unquestioning faith and find security in conformity and exactness, both end up being dismissed with the sin of “being offended.” Perhaps it’s easier to dismiss people and lay the burden of their distancing from the church solely at their feet than it is to examine the failures of an organization to nurture members and adequately meet their spiritual needs.

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The Rights of Woman

Today is Bastille Day, the national holiday of France.  It commemorates what most historians see as the kick-off of the French Revolution, the moment when a mob stormed an old prison, symbol of Old Regime oppression.  Broadly speaking, the French Revolution was not particularly liberating for women, though for a brief period it was legal to get divorced, which many women did to escape abusive relationships.  Women participated in mob action and played a key role in an early turning point of the Revolution; it was women who marched to Versailles and brought the king and his family to downtown Paris under house arrest.  However, when it came to having a voice in decisions or receiving civil rights, the Revolutionary governments were not much of an improvement over monarchy.

One of my favorite revolutionaries is a woman named Olympe de Gouges.  Her birth name was Marie Gouze.  She was from a provincial bourgeois family and was forced into marriage at the age of seventeen.  She is best known for having written the “Declaration of the Rights of Woman and of the Female Citizen,” a document she published two years in to the Revolution in order to expose its shortcomings.  Early in the Revolution the Marquid de Lafayette, with help from Thomas Jefferson had written the “Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen,” inspired by the American Declaration of Independence.*

 As with its American counterpart, as well as many church documents today, who exactly is a “man” is somewhat vague.  In French any group with both men and women in it would be referred to in the masculine, even if it constituted one man and a thousand women.  So do the “Rights of Man” mean the rights of all human beings? Or the rights of just males?  Does “all men are created equal” mean women too? 

The scriptures overflow with these conundrums.  One example comes from Doctrine and Covenants section 84.

“This greater priesthood administereth the gospel and holdeth the key of the mysteries of the kingdom, even the key of the knowledge of God.  Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest.  And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness is not manifest unto men in the flesh.  For without this no man can see the face of God, even the father, and live.”

In the larger context of our teachings maybe this includes women? As in, women also need to partake in priesthood ordinances to see the power of godliness?  Or does this only mean men, and women have the power of godliness manifest in the flesh without the priesthood? Or not at all.  Most of this section seems to be talking specifically to men, using phrases like “sons of Moses and Aaron.”  But then later it says “the Spirit giveth light to every man that cometh into the world; and the Spirit enlighteneth every man through the world” which seems to refer to all people having the light of Christ. 

            The ambiguity of who constitutes a “man” had real world consequences in the French revolution as it does for us today in the Church.  The first article of the Rights of Man and Citizen says “Men are born and remain free and equal in rights.  Social distinctions may be based only on considerations of the common good.”  Saint Domingue (now Haiti) was the most profitable colony in the world because the majority of the population were enslaved.  Did these “rights of man” apply to people of color? If so, slavery would have to be abolished.  This issue was a contributing factor in the unrest that ultimately led to the Haitian revolution and the overthrow of the French colonial government.

            The pamphlet that Olympe de Gouges wrote is in many places simply an inversion of gender of the Rights of Man.  The first article reads “woman is born free and remains equal to man in rights.  Social distinctions may be based only on common utility.”  But there are some important differences, most notably in my opinion article ten.  The Rights of Man states “No one shall be disquieted on account of his opinions, including his religious views, provided their manifestation does not disturb the public order established by law.”  Olympe’s response to this reads “No one shall be disquieted on account of his opinions, including his religious views, woman has the right to mount the scaffold; she must equally have the right to mount the tribune; provided that their manifestations do not trouble public order as established by law.”  Those words have stayed in my mind since I first read them decades ago.  Women have the right to be mount the scaffold – that is be subject to capital punishment as provided by law.  And indeed, Olympe was eventually guillotined for her criticism of the Revolution.  Women must also have the right to mount the Tribune, the speaker’s rostrum, the pulpit.   

Simply inverting gender in church documents or descriptions of meetings is already very illuminating and throws into high relief the sexism inherent in the institution.  But to that inversion I would add a modification of what Olympe de Gouges had to say about an allegedly liberating patriarchy.  Women can be released from callings, can be disfellowshipped, can be excommunicated.  They must also have a voice in making decisions, policies and laws.

Vive la France!

*Fans of Hamilton might now have a clearer understanding of the line “I helped Lafayette draft a declaration, then I said ‘I gotta go. I gotta be in Monticello. Now the work at home begins… so what did I miss?”

See alsoThe Declaration of the Rights of Man and CitizenThe Declaration of the Rights of Woman and Female Citizen

Dreams and Hippos and Holding Ancient Truths in Our DNA

“Dreams are symbolic expressions of the hidden and half-glimpsed truths that operate in the dark, in our blind spots. They reveal what’s unconscious to us but what nevertheless affects our thoughts, feelings, and motives.”

Sue Monk Kidd, Dance of the Dissident Daughter, pg 138

I had a dream recently where I was unprepared for primary (I am the primary president) – I was panicked the whole time, confused. I had to run to the bathroom, so I told the primary kids to play a game for a moment and I would return. In my dream, I ran through an obstacle course in a quaint, beautiful town. Forgetting why I was running, I turned back toward primary, anxious about the kids, but a massive jungle within a glass dome blocked my way. I tried to go around it, wondering how I made my way through or around this wild landscape the first time.

Eventually, I found a glass door in front of a mossy path. I opened the door preparing to run through the dome, but before I could step into the jungle, a hippopotamus rose from the algae-green water. Alarmed, I stared at the calm, majestic animal. As the hippo lowered herself back under the water. I closed the glass, choosing not to enter the jungle. Remembering primary. Then I woke up.

Later that day, I listened to Sue Monk Kidd’s Dance of the Dissident Daughter and in it, Sue has a dream where she turns into an elk with large antlers. She finds it comical until she finds that elks are symbols of deity and protectors of women. 

I thought of my dream, rolled my eyes, and looked up the word hippopotamus on the internet. It had been years since I had felt that burning, tingling, hyper-focused feeling that I have correlated with the spirit, my inner knowing, or God, but I felt it then, about a hippo.

I learned that in Egyptian mythology, the hippo was an ancient symbol for women. The Goddess Taweret has the body and head of an Egyptian hippo. Taweret means “The Great Female One,” and is often depicted as pregnant. She is the protector of motherhood and fertility. This random animal, a hippo of all things, an animal I have never seen in real life, visited my dreams; but perhaps it wasn’t random at all.

Egyptian women used images of Taweret as a way of preventing evil from reaching their infants, placed on cradles, stools, and amulets. She was worshipped at home and in domestic areas rather than big temples. She was a symbol for women, by women. She wasn’t found in the men’s temples but in the homes where women birthed and bled.

The Egyptian hippo is now extinct. Hippos now only exist in protected areas. It is believed that the symbol of the hippopotamus, like most feminine symbols, changed as men began conquering them for sport. Hippos became associated with chaos, and the hunt for hippos became a metaphor for how the pharaohs of ancient Egypt could conquer evil. Ancient Egyptian paintings and art depicts kings and Pharoes killing the fierce, evil hippo. Causing extinction, hippo hunts became symbols of bravery and strength as the mother hippo, The Great Female One, was pushed aside, slaughtered, and erased; the traditions of our mothers have become palimpsests. 

Sue Monk Kidd believes that we hold the ancient truths of women in our DNA and when I learned about Taweret, I felt something ancient churning in my veins. Plato says, “The soul knows who we are from the beginning.” So while Taweret has been erased and written over, a fierce, protecting hippo visited me in my dreams.

It is written in the Gnostic Gospels that Jesus taught, “If you bring forth what is in you, what you bring forth will save you.” My hippo. My Goddess. My dream brought forth what is in me, and what was brought forth will save me. So why was that ancient feminine symbol rising from the murky water in my dreams? Was she protecting me from returning to primary? Was she protecting the primary children from me?  Was she protecting me from returning to the patriarchal system that continually lulls me to sleep, continually teaching me to silence myself? Was she inviting me into the jungle? Or was she, like I felt, allowing me to witness her? Showing herself. Letting me know she is not hidden or secret or extinct. She is within me, rising up, waking up, standing with me. Remember, Taweret says. Remember who you are. Remember what was erased.

Photo 1 by UnKknown Traveller on Unsplash

Photo 2 by Hu Chen on Unsplash