Exponent II's Blog, page 247

Dear Sister Sassy: Hot Summer Sabbath Edition

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Sister Sassy is The Exponent’s resident Agony Aunt.  Heed her advice at your own risk!

Dear Sister Sassy,

There has been a lot of conflict recently over whether or not women should be allowed to breastfeed in Sacrament Meeting.  On one hand, motherhood is sacred and babies need to eat, and women should have access to the Sacrament and should be allowed to worship with the Saints.  On the other hand, ew!  How can we righteously resolve this?

Embarrassed in Tremonton

Dear Embarrassed,

You’re right to ask.  Of course in an ideal world we could safely sexualize breasts by forcing women into purdah during their childbearing years, but feminists have ruined that for everyone.  The best solution is to satisfy everyone’s needs.  Women want to sit in the chapel.  Babies don’t want to wear blankets.  Men don’t want to have to treat women as humans and parents don’t want to teach their boys that breasts have a function.  How can everyone be pleased? It couldn’t be simpler.  Have the scouts set up pup tents in the overflow at the back of the chapel.  If a woman needs to breastfeed, she should simply crawl into the tent holding her baby and take care of business.  She’s in the room, she can hear everything, and she can even take the sacrament.  All she has to do is stick her hand out through the zipper and wait for someone to put the sacred emblems in her hand. Everyone wins!

Dear Sister Sassy,

Last week I saw an adult woman in our ward wearing flip-flops.  I remember some GA sometime somewhere saying that flipflops destroy the spirit or something. Can you clarify what the rule is about sandals, and provide guidance in case she does this again?

Flip-Flummoxed in Parowan

Dear Flip,

When I was young I was taught that flip-flops were called {thongs}. Imagine my mortification at learning what The World meant by that word! I resolved then and there that I would avoid the appearance of evil by never donning Satan’s Sandals.  Flipflops are immoral for a number of reasons.  They show naked toes which can look like tiny breasts, especially if you paint the nails a nipple-ish shade.  They are comfortable and easy to walk in, both signs of inappropriate Sabbath wear for women.  They are affordable and versatile which again, shows that they have no business being worn in church.  And above all, men cannot really get away with wearing them in a formal setting the way women can.  If there is one thing we know to be true, it is that the Lord never intended to place men at a disadvantage. So you’re absolutely right in sneering at her.

But what can you do? Well, directly approaching someone in private about a concern is a wildly inappropriate way of resolving conflict.  It’s much better to be passive aggressive because it allows you room for plausible deniability and above all keeps everything pleasant.  I’d go ahead and bear testimony of the blessings of closed-toed shoes.  Surely you have a few miracle stories that relate to that topic?  Make a few pointed remarks about “obeying in the small things” and how bad choices are keeping us from receiving the lost portions of the Book of Mormon.  You should also talk to the Bishop about having her released from any callings where she might influence anyone.

 

Dear Sister Sassy,

My church building does not have air conditioning and these summer months make church a misery! How can I keep cool?

Sweaty in Sweet Home

Dear Sweaty,

Well I can tell you a few things not to do.  Do not stop wearing nylons.  Tights show respect.  Do not adjust your garments in any way, including choosing fabrics that are more breathable.  If you change your underwear for the weather, what else are you willing to alter? Where is your steadfastness?  Do not use the program as a fan.  This shows disrespect for the announcement about the special sale at the Bishop’s Warehouse on dried banana chips.  Do not prop open the door as there is one person who is chilled by the draft.  Do not casually drape your arm across the back of the pew to allow ventilation, as someone might glimpse your armpit and be tempted.  Do not bring a water bottle.  This is distracting.  Do not forgo makeup just because it runs or drips.

I find the best way to keep cool in the summer is to remember the suffering of the pioneers, and how really I should be more grateful for their sacrifice.  Gratitude is more refreshing than air vents.

Hope this helps!

If you have a pressing quandary, feel free to inquire in the comments, and Sister Sassy will respond next month.

 

The Breastfeeding Letter Writing Campaign of 2009

With the recent news about a stake president refusing to give a temple recommend to a woman for breastfeeding in church, there have been a lot of suggestion of things we can do as a Mormon feminist community to address the concerns and needs to nursing couples in the Church. As folks are thinking about options, I wanted to share my experience in gathering letters and sending them to the First Presidency on behalf of a friend of mine who was in a similar situation in 2009. I will share exact quotes from emails I wrote myself, as well as the cover letter I sent to the first Presidency after gathering stories. I won’t share any emails from other people as it’s poor form to share someone else’s email publicly.

In early October I received a phone call from S (initial used for privacy). She called me because her bishop told her she needed to either stop breastfeeding in church or go to a new ward. She pushed it up to her stake presidency and they supported the bishop. S then pushed it up to her Area Authority who said this was a matter she needed to take to the First Presidency. She didn’t know what to do and was in tears. I was known in the Mormon breastfeeding world because of blogging my own experiences of breastfeeding in my Provo ward and my experience in arranging the first nurse-in at Facebook in December 2008, so she called me and asked, “Should we do a nurse in at Temple Square?” Immediately I thought, “NO!” I thought before we did any action in Salt Lake, we should inform the leaders that there was a problem. Maybe they didn’t know this was a problem; after all, they are old men who might not have had mothers or wives who breastfed. And her Area Authority did tell her to take it to the First Presidency, so let’s do that. Let’s write them a letter. In fact, I knew a lot of women with both positive and negative experiences in church. It’ll be more powerful if we compile a collection of letters and send them all together.

S agreed to this. And on October 9, I sent an email out to people I thought might have stories to share. Excepting abbreviating names, it is in full here:

Hello everyone. This is being BCCed to the people I think would most likely be interested in this.
This is kind of a long story. I have a friend, S, who is struggling with a bishop who told her that she either needed to go to the mother’s lounge or find a new ward. When she suggested sitting in the front where no one could see her breasts, just her back, he replied that they would still know she was breastfeeding. There’s a lot more to the story than that- involving stake presidents and phone calls and being yelled at by members of her ward. I, myself, have been “asked to pray” about breastfeeding in sacrament and called on the phone by ward leaders about the “issue”. Whenever I share my story, I find other people have experienced similar stories. Anyway, S’s story of being asked to leave her ward was the last straw on this camel’s back. We need to let the Church know that women are being discriminated against and made to feel dirty and like lesser people because of breastfeeding. They need to know this is dividing families and wards. I am writing a letter explaining the importance of breastfeeding when your child needs it (as opposed to scheduling around church), the issues of shame and covering, that mother’s lounges are no longer something that’s nice for moms, but “required” segregated seating in the minds of members and leaders. I also plan on mentioning legal issues of a leader asking someone to cover or leave (in Canada, it’s considered sex discrimination and can be taken up in court).

The letter will also ask that the church make a statement of or mention to leadership in training that breastfeeding is an appropriate use of the bodies God gave us and is not sexual, inappropriate, indecent, lewd, etc.

The reason why I am emailing you all is because I’d like your stories if you’re willing to share. They can be good or bad. They can be stories of confrontations from ward leaders or members, like my story of my bishop asking my husband and I to talk with him. Or it can be as simple as “I don’t feel like my breastfeeding child and I are welcome during sacrament.” Or “When Sister Genericname said it was ok to stay in the class, I felt loved and accepted in my ward.” I feel the stories will be able to show how breastfeeding acceptance can help/hurt the confidence and trust of mothers and how families are welcomed into the church. I think positive stories are just as important as the negative ones.

If you have a story or know of someone with a story and would like to add that story to this compilation, please send it my way. I am not trying to “take on the Church” and I’m not trying to be antagonistic. I simply want the leadership to know that this is a problem in more than one ward and stake and needs to be addressed.

I will probably be able to send you a copy of the finished letter- and probably will send you all a draft or two for suggestions. If you don’t want to be involved with this, let me know and I’ll take your email off this BCC list for future emails. You may ask around for stories, but I send this email on with the trust that this endeavor won’t become something hugely public and attract anti-Mormon attention. I don’t want that at all. We are all just trying to mothers and care for our children as best we can.

So that went out. Over the next couple of months I received about 20 stories, both good and bad. As word got around and a few more people came out of the woodworks, I emailed more people about contributing their stories. I also wrote the cover letter and put everything into a nice packet. I prayed and fasted and went to the temple and felt we were really doing something good and that Heavenly Father wanted this letter to be sent. It was sent to the First Presidency the first week of December 2009. Because the cover letter was long, I won’t copy/paste it in this blog post, but you can find it here.

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This is the 6th image in the Enos chapter of the Book of Mormon Stories book for children. Note the breastfeeding parent/child couple in the foreground.

We heard nothing for months. In April, my husband and I were called into my stake president’s office. He had received the packet and admitted to having sat on it for a while now and wanted to talk with us about it. He was supportive of breastfeeding and wanted to know if there was anything the stake could do. I told the story again about S and that I put this together for her and that she was told to go to the First Presidency, so we did and there’s really nothing he can do locally to fix this problem. And besides, we were moving at the end of the month so we weren’t going to be in his stake any longer.

I was so disappointed. That pile of letters stayed with him. It was probably thrown away. I have a few copies people emailed me but I don’t have the stories from people who wrote hard copies. S ended up going to church in another ward where she had some family members. My family moved to Oakland.

The personal and spiritual fallout for me was twofold. First, it was years later when I learned that some of the people I BCCed in my email started distrusting me and judging me for going to the First Presidency about this. I had noticed the relationships with those people were strained, but I didn’t know why. They thought it was inappropriate to write to the First Presidency, especially since there had been conference talks telling members to not go to the leaders of the Church, but instead go to the local ward and stake with problems.

Second, when the new Church Handbook of Instructions was announced at the end of 2010, I felt defeated. A year previous I had felt inspired and supported by the Spirit to bring this issue to the leaders so they could update policies. Then a year later, I learned that they had been working on a new Church Handbook and likely could have changed the policy but they chose not to. This was my first huge realization that as a woman, I am not heard in the Church, it just gets kicked down to the local leaders who can do nothing.

So here we are again, almost a decade later, with the same issues coming up and the male leaders of the Church ignoring our pleas. I do think we should keep up our activism. After all, we have a new First Presidency and new Relief Society leaders. Eventually we as a church will get this right. Let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later.

Guest Post: An Open Letter to BYU — Please Stop Changing Married Alumnae Names

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photo by Bri Ryma

Hi BYU,

First off, I wanted to thank you for 4.5 of the best years of my life. I am a non-Mormon alumna who graduated in 2005, and I can’t even begin to say how much I enjoyed my time at BYU. You weren’t perfect, and I was far from, but I feel like we made the most of our experience together and had some pretty amazing times, overall.

I also wanted to thank you for my two beautiful children. I met their father at BYU, an LDS man whom I deeply loved, and I know that without our imperfect, interfaith union, my children would not exist. So I thank you for putting me on the path in life that brought my children into this world. The world is better off with them in it, and you were a part of that.

But I wanted to talk to you today about your alumni listing practices. To cut to the chase: I think you should stop making changes to our alumni directory information without our consent.

You see, that LDS man whom I deeply loved turned out to be a serial adulterer, and he effectively abandoned his family when I was pregnant with our second. I know that isn’t a reflection of his church’s values, but it happened. While infidelity is its own abuse, he was verbally and emotionally abusive in other ways on top of that. I divorced him in 2014, blocked him on all forms of social media (he’s only permitted to communicate with me via e-mail or phone), and haven’t lived with him since. Between then and now, I’ve lived in two different apartments that were leased in my name only.

You can imagine my surprise when I began receiving mail for him from BYU, sent to addresses where he had never lived. Bewildered, I informed the university that we were divorced, but the mail still periodically came. I would write on these letters, “Return to Sender – Has Never Lived Here,” but it did not stop. The letters were infrequent enough that I just gritted my teeth and did not investigate further.

It was only this past week that I solved the mystery. Someone at BYU assigned my address to his alumni directory entry without my consent:

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Stop and consider that for a moment. This man abused me and walked out on his children, and I have made a Herculean effort to separate myself from him and build a life apart from him. Yet you put us back together on your records as if nothing happened.

This was not the only error I found in the directory. I remarried in June 2018 to a kind, gentle, evangelical Christian man whom I met a few years ago. I’m fortunate to have him as a husband, and my children are fortunate to have him as a stepped-up father.

Yet, once again, I was in for a shock when I looked myself up in the directory and discovered that my entry had been replaced by this person who does not exist:

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Not only was my last name incorrect, but my middle name had reverted to a name that I haven’t had since 2003. I know that, when I last checked the directory in April or May, it correctly listed me as “Bridget J. Jeffries.” So I’m just bewildered.

I get that you guessed (incorrectly) that I took my new husband’s last name at marriage, but I don’t get why you switched “Jack” to “Leanne” for my middle name. (Because “Leanne” is prettier and more feminine than “Jack”?) Regardless, I can assure you that my legal name is “Bridget Jack Jeffries,” and barring some unforeseen foray into a witness protection program, that will remain my legal name until the day I die.

Listen, Alma Mater, I’m not rebuking you. I love you, even when I think you’re regressive about gender and marriage. Just as I hope that you love me even when you think I’m being a feminist shill. And I know that these changes were made with good intentions. I wish we lived in a world where first marriages always work out, where there is no abuse or abandonment, where no one ever has to change a name due to brokenness or sin.

I also wish we lived in a world where men followed the biblical mandate to leave their fathers and mothers and cleave unto their wives (Gen. 2:24), which they could symbolize by taking their wives’ surnames (not the other way around).

But this is not that world. Hence you probably shouldn’t be making changes to our alumni directory information when we haven’t requested those changes ourselves.

Let me be clear that I consider this a minor grumble, not some grievous miscarriage of social justice.

Then again, isn’t that all the more reason that this should be an easy change to make?

Grace & Peace,

– Bridget

Related:  “” by Emily Belanger

Bridget Jack Jeffries is the co-founder of Worlds Without End: A Mormon Studies Roundtable and the author of As God Is, Woman May Become?: Women and the Mormon Doctrine of Exaltation (master’s thesis) as well as So I Married a Mormon: An Interfaith Memoir (forthcoming). She blogs on the Bible, church, and spirituality at Weighted Glory.”

Exponent II Call for Submissions – Winter Writing Contest 2019

[image error]“And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And (the man) said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And (Jacob) said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. And (the man) said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob. And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed. And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there. And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.”  Genesis 32:24-28

What scriptures have you wrestled with in your life? What words challenge you, make you think, make you act, turn around your direction, comfort you, or force you to move away? Jacob demanded that his opponent reveal himself and bless him for his efforts. How have we interrogated a text and demanded that we know more as well as demanded from ourselves more insight than we have had before?

For this year’s contest we are providing a list of scriptures, many chosen by our readers, that we feel could provoke meaningful narratives. Some of them are beautiful; some of them are deeply troubling. Read them and choose one that makes you want to wrestle and understand. We are not looking for conceptual, academic interpretations, but living, breathing stories and memories that evoke a moment as real as Jacob’s. Jacob was moved by this encounter in both good and bad ways and the impact changed not only his name but the way he lived his life. What scriptures have done this for you?  

Submissions should be 700 – 2400 words and sent in Google Doc or Word for to exponentiieditor@gmail.com by October 15, 2018. The first place winner of the contest will receive a one-week stay at Anam Cara, a writers’ retreat center in Ireland owned by former Exponent II editor Sue Booth-Forbes. More information about the retreat center can be found at www.anamcararetreat.com.

Here are the scriptures we have chosen. We hope that one of them will inspire you to send us a submission!

2 Timothy 1:7: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Alma 5: 26: If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
1 Nephi 12: 23: I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations.
Doctrine and Covenants 84: 88: And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Moses 7: 41: And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto Enoch, and told Enoch all the doings of the children of men; wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon their wickedness, and their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms, and his heart swelled wide as eternity; and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook.
Doctrine and Covenants 132: 61-62: And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else. And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.
Mark 9: 23-24: Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
Helaman 4:12: And it was because of the pride of their hearts, because of their exceeding riches, yea, it was because of their oppression to the poor, withholding their food from the hungry, withholding their clothing from the naked, and smiting their humble brethren upon the cheek …
D&C 9:8: But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
2 Nephi 26:33: He inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female.

Quotes on the New Ministering Program

What is your experience with Ministering thus far?

This is a collection of comments from various women in regard to the new “Ministering”  program to date. Feel free to add your own experiences and thoughts in the comments section.

 

“I actually really like ministering.  I think it is limping to a start — so far our ward is the only ward in the stake that has actually implemented the suggested changes.  But basically it’s saying “go be real friends and stop focusing on form.”  I think it is a good thing but it will take while for the vision to catch.  I don’t feel guilty anymore, which makes a nice change.”

 

“I love idea of ministering, but being assigned makes it awkward for me. Maybe that’s an introvert thing.”

 

“I have mixed feelings about ministering. From a feminist perspective, the visiting teaching program had become almost identical to “ministering” (except for the reporting procedure). It rubbed me the wrong way when they made such a big deal in conference about this “New Program!!” when it’s only new for the men. One speaker acknowledged this briefly, but I’m having a hard time getting excited about “changes” when, functionally, there aren’t any.”

 

“Ministering is like Visiting Teaching Lite – no need to check up every month, no need to share a lesson, no need to do anything, just pat yourself on the back and feel good.”

 

“The way the program was rolled out really did just sound like visiting teaching under another name. I’m frustrated that every minor change is labeled as ‘historic.’ I feel like it’s just another way of setting our standards extremely low. Make every tiny thing seem like a big deal so that we can avoid doing any major repairs or renovations to our spiritual experience.”

 

“Meh, I don’t know. It seems pretty much like visiting teaching to me, just rebranded to sound more Christian.  At least the way it is being implemented in my ward, we are assigned a list of sisters and can make contact with them through visit, phone call or mail. Which is exactly what we were supposed to do before. Except now I have 15 sisters on my list instead of 4. I struggled with visiting teaching before in terms of time, capacity and being introverted—I have no idea how changing the name and then vastly expanding the number of people I’m supposed to “minister” is going to lead more success. I feel like I’ve been set up for failure.”

 

“I actually got switched from two people to one, and she’s someone I see all the time and look after anyway. And my ward is pushing service, not superficial contact.”

 

“Part of the ministering program is that the presidency is supposed to meet with each companionship (or solo person) and talk them through their list.  We currently have it so most companionships have one person who is LA or DNC.  I ask my sisters to just include that person in their prayers, respect the DNC, and if LA do what the spirit dictates, or await any other details from ward missionaries.  The idea that anyone “doesn’t need a visit” is balderdash and doesn’t at all fit with the program.

“I like it. It reflects what’s been going on in our ward better than the title “visiting teaching” did. And I’m thrilled to be rid of those foul lessons.”

 

     “To me this is supposed to be like visiting teaching but without the guilt and formulaic approach.  You’re still supposed to see people and contact them.  And ten per person seems way way too much!!!!  Our limit is four per companionship — one LA you pray for, three others that you can divide up as you see fit — try both to see everyone, or divide and conquer.  We’ve also been interviewing everyone to ask what they want from a minister, so I pass that along in our interviews.  If someone asked to meet at a restaurant, or someone wants someone to walk with etc. then I can tell someone how to really meet needs.  I’m feeling really positive about how things are going.  It has meant a lot of work for me as a presidency person (lots and lots and lots of interviews, plus keeping notes on the interviews so I can follow up with whether people have their needs met) but I feel good.  Two sisters who independently said that they wanted someone to help them be accountable with scripture study are now assigned to minister, so an actual spiritual need is actually (hopefully) getting met.  I’m hopeful that the interview process will not be some kind of intrusive inappropriate “gossip about your sister” session but will instead help us to better match people.

 

“That said I was bummed because as a member of the presidency, i was actually never interviewed and so my experience feels kind of erased and irrelevant.  When I mentioned this to the president she brushed it aside, pointing out that the other two presidency members are single sisters and making sure they were set was more important.  Possibly she didn’t understand my concern.”

 

[image error]“I haven’t noticed any change at all, except now my self-righteous, list-and-appearances oriented former home teacher no longer visits or attempts to visit. I’m not really getting ministering Sister visits either. It’s as though the change has given everyone in my ward permission to blow off their VT/HT and everyone is just going with that.”

 

“The stake Relief Society president was assigned as my visiting teacher, but she never spoke to me, never emailed, never even said hello to me at church. She knew who I was because I taught relief society ! I guess I thought she would at least speak to me because of her stake calling. Nope! I ended up stopping going to church, partly because no one spoke to me and I got tired of sitting alone or people only speaking to me if they wanted me to pray or do some service. When I heard when the Ministering switch was made, I hoped maybe someone new was assigned to visit. Nope. The stake relief society president and her same companion were still assigned me to. I just asked to be taken off of the list. It took me asking three times to be removed, but I am finally off. Don’t get me wrong—I’d love a visit. But knowing someone is “assigned” to me, and having them never contact me feels too much like rejection. So to me, ministering is just as hurtful as visiting teaching. I’m tired of waiting for someone at church to like me.”

 

My visiting teacher of over ten years used to send me a card every month. Since ministering was introduced, I’ve gotten one card saying to let her know if I need anything. I don’t mind; but I also know if I needed something, I wouldn’t ask her because we’re just not close enough, you know?”

 

“I wasn’t visit taught before, really. My Visiting teacher used to at least talk to me at church sometimes, tell me she was sorry she couldn’t visit and ask if there was anything I needed. Now she told me that she doesn’t have to say hi or even try to visit, and told me to just find her if I needed something. I’m not going to ask someone who can’t be bothered to say “hi” for help with anything. Plus, I felt like I was slapped- I don’t know her well enough to ask her for help with anything anyway, but it felt like a burn. When Ministering was announced, I thought that we were going to increase friendship– so I dreamed of attending free art shows or getting lunch and just chatting and getting to know women at church. But that was totally a dream. I have basically been told that my friendship, service and company are not wanted. I feel like I am back in high school and not in the cool kids club. Again.”

 

“The official change does not sit well with me. I don’t like the new name, I don’t care for the way they treated it as a ‘Historic’ change, and I find the vagueness of it to be confusing. Also, ‘ministering’ is not a term we have ever used much.”

 

“I really loved my visiting teacher, even though we don’t attend anymore. We didn’t get together often but she was an older sister in the world and super feminist, but old enough that people smiled talked about how much they loved feisty Sister X. Occasionally we would meet at the playground near her house and just catch up on life and let the kids play. I’m not really sure how to go about asking if she’s still assigned to me and it feels a weird conversation to have.”

 

“It just feels like… confusing. That’s really what it is. It’s like Visiting Teaching Lite. You’re still assigned, and you’re still responsible for sending out that meal train form, but that’s it.”

 

“I’m not a fan of the idea of ministering because of an assignment. And as much as I disliked that part of the Visiting/Home Teaching programs, at least there was a way to know if you were doing it right. And I very much like ministering itself.”

 

“Before, I was assigned four sisters with a companion. Now I have TEN sisters and no companion! How am I supposed to do this?”

 

“In an Email: ‘Ok. Sisters. The ministering letters. As discussed Sunday. Part 1: pray for inspiration, as well as hearts to be open and softened. Part 2: act. Fill in the form letters we handed out with the name of the person you are sending to, and a short line introducing yourself, i.e. ‘Hi I am Mary,  from…’ For every letter you need to purchase 2 stamps and 2 envelopes, one envelope will be addressed to the person you are sending it to or occupant. Address the second envelope to the bishop’s house, and enclose it in the first envelope with the form. Report the date you sent it via text message to the presidency. Part 3: Pray hard for those people! Note. Do not send letters to people you know.’ As soon as I read the email, I felt like I was back in Young Women when we tied  contact cards to helium balloons as a missionary activity. The contact cards all had the bishop’s address. We heard back from one person who found the balloon who only wanted to know how far it traveled. Totally random and impersonal.”

 

“Since I’m in the RS presidency in my ward, I have to conduct quarterly interviews with companionships.  Four couples in our ward are companions (husband/wife) — this is one thing that is new in terms of officialness, though I know wives have long accompanied husbands on home teaching in an unofficial capacity.  I asked the President how the reporting would work.  She said the EQ had asserted that he would interview all men regardless of whether we interviewed them or not.  She said no.  She said it is important that men report to women sometimes.  So they divided up the list and two couples report to the RS, two to the EQ.  That means that, for the first time ever in my church experience, and adult man reports to me and is accountable to me.  Both of the men I interview are in their sixties and seventies and have long had church experience — always and forever I would have been subordinate to them as (formerly) high priests.

 

The interviews weren’t some weird power trip for me or something, we just chatted about the people they’re assigned to minister to and their needs.  But it struck me as an infinitesimal yet important change.  Women having stewardship over men is as you all know a vanishingly rare occurrence in the church, and so to me this is a eensy step in a good direction.”

 

“The sisters I’m meant to minister to don’t seem to…need me or like me. So there’s that.”

 

“I really liked visiting teaching. It gave me, an introvert, a good reason to ask to come over and hang out with someone and get to know them. I’d probably never do that without the official sanction/push to visit.  I never did lessons, but I did like the visiting aspect. I’ll be sad if ministering means no more visiting.”

 

“The ministering thing is just visiting teaching with a new name and maybe a little less guilt for not doing it. I’ve been kind of a slacker visiting teacher for the past few years. I could make excuses like an absurd work schedule and my own natural introversion, but a lot of it is just that if I have a free evening, I would rather spend it at home with my cats than visiting assigned ward members or letting assigned ward members visit me. With the change to ministering, I’m still a slacker, but now I don’t feel bad about it. I’ll help people when they’re in need, but I don’t impose myself on people.”

 

“I hear less from my sisters, but I think they have also been there in ways that I’ve needed on the weeks I’ve really needed it. At the same time, I wish I would get a text once in a while.”

 

“I went for about a year without visiting teachers visiting me, and I was okay with that, and now with the change to ministering, I still haven’t been visited by my ministering sisters, and that’s fine, too. I’ve had a diligent set of home teachers for the past year, and they never made me feel like they were checking a box. They’re now my ministering brothers, and they’re still diligent, and it’s business as usual. But now I don’t have to feel like I need to make time for them that I don’t have if a particular month gets busy.”

 

What are your thoughts and experiences with the developing Ministering program? What would you change, if you could?

The tale of my saggy middle-aged breasts

The recent blog post about a woman being refused a temple recommend because of her breastfeeding practice really hit a nerve in the Mormon online community. Some people have really pushed back. “Why can’t she leave the room?” “Why can’t she just cover?” are among the questions; “She should do what her bishop or stake president says!” is one of the reactions. I am not going to address any of these directly. I am going to share a bit from my breastfeeding journey. Not everyone has experience with this practice, and there are a wide variety of experiences as well. Perhaps if we all talk about it more, we can build tolerance and understanding.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a vivid nightmare that I had forgotten about the baby and left it somewhere. When I remembered and went to find it, it had shriveled up because I forgot to feed it. Apparently deep in my psyche, I was worried about the kind of mother I would be and my ability to care for and nourish the young life that was to be dependent on me.

Soon after my daughter’s birth, I set about to learn the art of breastfeeding. It was not as simple as holding the baby to my breast. At first, my nipples were flat and had to be coaxed out. Within a few days of birth my breasts were painfully swollen and engorged with milk. Looking down, they were larger than my baby’s head. I learned I had to support the breast or hold a finger against the breast to give the baby a pocket for air circulation so she wouldn’t smother against me. First daughter was a fiery nurser who latched on with gusto. Then my letdown reflex was hyperactive. Baby would pull away screaming as she drowned in milk. The milk shot across the room if I didn’t stick a burp cloth or baby blanket up there for a minute to soak up the initial letdown. Also, the letdown always happened simultaneously with both breasts gushing forth, so I had to have a burp cloth stuck in the other side of my bra as well, or else it would spill forth through multiple layers of clothing and drip down my front (yes, even with a nursing pad in there).

Not wanting to soak an innocent bystander, I usually retreated to another room to nurse during this early stage of mothering. Also, I knew this was expected of me due to both subtle and explicit comments I heard from other women. In time, I was out in the world with my infant in tow. At church, I hid away in the ‘mother’s room’ for feeding time. My daughter often filled her diaper once or twice during a feeding. So it was convenient for me to be able to change her there quickly. Often she would need a wet-wipe bath as well, because was a prodigious pooper. I had to bring at least 2 extra sets of clothes everywhere we went. But the downside to this was that the mother’s room smelled of dirty diapers. It was a tiny stuffy room, with the door closed for privacy, so no fresh air circulated. There were never enough chairs for all the nursing mothers in this young ward (several of us were BYU student families), so we had to sit on the floor occasionally.

The first time we went out to a family dinner at a restaurant with my husband’s relatives, I didn’t know what to do when it came time to nurse my hungry baby. I knew his sisters didn’t feel it was appropriate to nurse in public, and there was no private place to nurse. I ended up sitting on a toilet in a stall. Smelly and unsanitary, and very uncomfortable to sit there so long, but I didn’t even consider it an option to nurse out in the restaurant. I had internalized shame of my own breast, and the necessity of ‘not offending’ others.

I tried over and over again to nurse discreetly, and even to cover with a blanket. My daughter was having none of it. She pulled it off repeatedly. I had to hold her with one hand/arm, and hold my breast with the other hand, and pin the blanket between my back and the chair, so it did escape on occasion, much to my consternation. I was trying to be ‘modest’.

After several months, baby and I were getting used to this. I had been back to school within 2 weeks after she was born, and finding nooks on campus to nurse her. Unfortunately most of these were seats technically inside bathrooms (I hate to think of all the aerosolized feces inhaled by infants nursing in BYU bathrooms). I was able to switch off caring for baby, so I didn’t bring her to class, but I was solely responsible for feeding her. Then came my semester finals. 2-3 hours are needed for many of these tests. This particular day I had 2 finals back to back. My husband would need to care for the baby for 6 hours+. I didn’t have a breast pump, so I painstakingly hand expressed milk to make a bottle for my baby at the crack of dawn. She had taken water from a bottle, so I thought she would do okay. During the many hours away from baby, my milk let down more than once and I had to apply pressure to my chest to stop it, and go change breast pads in the bathroom. When I finally finished my exams and went home, my baby had been crying for hours, her eyes red and puffy, and she had sucked a blister onto her fist trying to comfort herself. I was furious with my husband, he never even offered her the bottle. He figured she could wait until I got back. This was my first peek into a man’s head, where he thought it was inherently a woman’s job to feed a baby and that an infant could ‘wait’ to be fed.

Baby #2 spent her early months in a foreign country. I continued to nurse with a blanket, but there were no mother’s rooms at church and I often found myself needing to feed the baby in public, generally sitting on a park bench, and even on the public transportation we depended on. Fortunately, there were no qualms about breastfeeding in this country. There was another mother who I regularly saw nursing openly in all church meetings, and a began to do this as well. This baby was a far easier baby to nurse, and I experienced much less anxiety about nursing than I had with my first. Unfortunately, my milk began to dry up and she had to be weaned early because I was pregnant with my third baby.

Right after baby #3 was born, my husband was called to serve in the bishopric. I had a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn. I was sitting by myself in sacrament meeting. Nursing in the mothers’ room meant dragging all 3 children and the diaper bag with me. I only had 2 arms, and both would be needed to feed the baby, so the other 2 children had free range of the mother’s room. When the 1 year old occasionally escaped, I had to run out into the hall with baby attached. My 1 year old was still too young to attend nursery, so 2 hours of church, I had at least 2 little ones with me, and my husband’s bishopric duties kept him busy all day Sunday. Gradually, I realized I would be more comfortable nursing in the meetings than dragging around all the children and their stuff and trying to resettle them.

[image error]When you’ve cared for as many babies as I have, your experiences as a mother begin to run together. I can tell you that in nursing 8 babies, I have had a lot of different experiences. I have had painful breast infections that caused a fever and nausea. I have had painfully sore nipples and clogged milk ducts. I have switched to bottle feeding for 2 of my children before the age of 1 because I had milk supply issues. I have nursed while pregnant. I have nursed in hot Texas summers. Some babies refuse to eat under a blanket, and some don’t mind. Sometimes nursing under a cover is fine and comfortable, sometimes it is hot and stuffy, suffocating for the child. Some babies did yoga on my lap while eating. Some babies eat faster, some slower. Breastfeeding takes a LOT of time. It is not realistic to expect babies to eat on a prescribed schedule. Older babies do develop a routine, but once you figure that out they will hit a growth spurt and it will change. You can not convince a baby to eat when it is not ready. And some babies are more distracted than others. Some won’t be able to nurse with any noise or distractions around because they are so curious, others are such foodies that they completely zone out while nursing.

I once saw another young mother nursing her baby while walking her other children to a park. The baby was in a sling, the mother’s shirt was pulled down for baby to access while she pushed another child in a stroller. Her breast was open to view of all. It was completely beautiful and natural. She was fulfilling the measure of her creation, caring for her family. She was not walking pornography, out to titillate all the weak men of the community. In reflection, I have a bit of holy envy about her complete sense of who she was and what she was doing. I spent most of my nursing life hidden away and trying to juggle the expectations and sensitivities of others while sacrificing my own and my child’s comfort and opportunities to engage with the world.

I hope the church will consider the needs of women and babies at least as important as the preferences of men. Many wards and branches the world over have not only tolerated nursing in church meetings, but welcomed nursing women and babies in all meetings they are invited to attend. I am concerned that some men feel it within their stewardship to insinuate that a nursing mother is out to tempt young men in the congregation. Surely, if that were her aim, there are far more exciting ways to go about it. The ‘high’ and ‘holy’ calling of motherhood is a sterile pedestal that ignores the bloody milky reality of bringing a child into the world and nurturing it. For women who know, the holiness is in the mess.

The United States is getting better and upholding women’s right to nourish their baby by passing laws supporting the right to breastfeed wherever she has the right to be. Feeding one’s child should not be considered a sexual advertisement. Mothers with babies have a lot to juggle. I would love to see the community reach out and help, rather than judge and shame for the choices she may make in trying to meet her family’s needs. If a woman makes a choice different from yours, do you feel threatened? If you see a woman breastfeeding in public, why not champion her? Speak up for her if others are shaming? If the sight of a woman feeding her child with her breast disturbs you, why? And do you think the mother and baby should be uncomfortable instead of you?

SLTrib coverage of MoFem Breastfeeding advocacy efforts

Peggy Stack contextualizes the ongoing efforts of Mormon feminists over the last decade in bringing attention to the LDS Church’s lack of policy or guideline re: breastfeeding in Church

 

https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2018/...

How to Have Difficult Conversations, Part II: Talking to Someone Who Is Unsafe

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[Photo by Hristo Fidanov on Pexels]

 

This is the second of a three-part series about how to navigate difficult conversations. Part I discussed how to identify whether someone is safe before determining if or how to have a difficult conversation with them. Part II below details how to engage in a complex talk with someone who is unsafe. Part 3 will illustrate how to have an effective hard talk with someone you trust enough to be vulnerable with.

As I wrote in the last post, this series is not intended to condemn anyone. Most of us behave in ways that are unsafe at times. Someone whom you determine is unsafe is not necessarily all, or always, unsafe. There are exceptions to this rule however, and only you can know whether or not someone treats you in ways that are safe for you. The Bible implores us to love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39), and it’s difficult to love others if we do not know how to show love and compassion for ourselves. As I mentioned before, I think the ability to love others may grow out of our ability to prioritize and care appropriately and lovingly for ourselves.

Below you will find some guidelines for how to navigate difficult conversations with someone who is exhibiting unsafe qualities, such as

being continually dishonest
demanding trust
disavowing accountability for their mistakes
refusing to face their issues; using flattery instead of talking with you
gaslighting, blaming, or shaming you

An otherwise safe person may only behave in these ways when they are triggered or when in an intense conflict; in those moments they are being unsafe. Other people may consistently behave in these unsafe ways. No matter how often someone appears to be unsafe, it is wise to prepare yourself for them to be unsafe toward you when entering into a difficult conversation. If the conversation goes better than expected, hooray! But having some tools in your metaphorical relationship toolbox before heading into a hard talk can be helpful. However, there is no preparation that can protect you from the pain of someone treating you in unsafe ways.

There are general patterns like those mentioned above where it becomes clear over time that you are in an abusive or unsafe dynamic. If you are experiencing a pattern that looks like those referred to in the cycle of violence (tension, incident, calm/honeymoon period, REPEAT), please seek help. To assess whether you might be experiencing abuse or consistent harm in a relationship, compare the two images in the links below.

Power & Control Wheel

vs.

Equality Wheel

Emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, and spiritual or ecclesiastical abuse and violence can occur in any relationship. Seek support from trusted family, friends, and especially from a skilled mental health professional in the event that someone has harmed you.

When a person is unsafe, protect yourself first. Research has demonstrated that about two-thirds of all conflicts in intimate relationships like marriage are unresolvable (see Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s work), so resolving differences is not necessarily a logical goal in a hard talk—especially when conversing with an unsafe person since even two generally safe people are often unable to resolve their differences most of the time. Dr. Brene Brown talks about “leaning into difficult conversations with kindness.” With an unsafe person, kindness may not always be possible in order to protect yourself or those you love. At other times it may be possible to have firm boundaries and to be kind while utilizing boundaries in a hard conversation with someone who is behaving in unsafe ways.

In general, no matter how firm you may need to be, aim to treat the other person with dignity and respect while speaking your truth. With this approach you are less likely to have regrets after a difficult conversation despite how firm you may need to be. However, when abuse or violence is involved, it is more important to protect yourself and those you love from harm than to consider how you are behaving in that moment.

And yet in circumstances when you determine that having a difficult conversation is in your best interest, how do you proceed knowing the person you will be talking to is unsafe?

Be prepared to say no to talking. Giving yourself permission to disengage with or reject an offer or demand to talk to someone you know to be unsafe can be an empowering and important choice. Remember that you get to choose who you interact with. No one is entitled to your time or your energy. And even if you initially agree to talking, you are allowed to change your mind. Practice ways to decline an invitation to talk when you know the conversation will not be productive for you. You can simply say, “No thanks.” Or you could say something like, “That won’t work for me,” or “I’d rather not.” If it’s not safe to be that direct, you can arrange to have plans when you anticipate an unsafe person may request to speak to you. In that case you can say, “I have somewhere I need to be.” Even if you do not have specific plans in that moment to be elsewhere, it is true that you need to be anywhere else than with an unsafe person so this is actually an honest statement.

When possible, bring a trusted adult with you. Having another person present can create some safety for you, even if the person you bring does not plan to actively participate in the conversation. Unsafe people like to try to emotionally fuse with or dominate others. A third person can act as a buffer just by being present and they can create a physical boundary if things go south. You can ask the person who accompanies you to remind you of what you wanted to talk about if you lose sight of your agenda or get bullied into talking about a topic that is harmful to you.

Rehearse what you want to say and stay focused on your agenda. Staying focused on your agenda during these types of exchanges is vital. This often takes practice. Solicit the help of someone you trust beforehand to role play or brainstorm what you want to say. Unsafe people are often masters of manipulation. They can dominate conversations by coercing you through acting like a victim or dumping their emotional baggage on you. Prior to talking, determine what your goal for the talk is. No matter how the other person tries to divert the conversation to their agenda (when their behavior is inappropriate), keep bringing the focus back to what you want to discuss by simply restating your ideas. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself. You can often say the same thing many different ways without the other person being aware that you are staying in control of the conversation. 

Have an exit plan or reason you need to leave to empower yourself to end the conversation when you are finished. If you are ever unsure about how to get out of an in-person conversation, simply stand up and walk away. 

Beware of flattery. It can draw you in and slowly erode your boundaries. I like to imagine that I have an invisible force field or impenetrable bubble around me when I engage with unsafe people. I imagine this boundary as protecting my mind (having an inner boundary) and protecting my physical body (having an outer boundary). Unsafe people often have a lifetime of experience seducing or coercing others into believing that what they want is best for the other person too. The best way I have found to combat what can be an emotional and sometimes physical barrage of inappropriate requests, comments, or demands is to utilize what I call “The Four NOs” Saying “no” is the most effective way to institute and maintain a healthy boundary. You put up a boundary when you

Think NO
Feel NO
Say NO
Do NO

You don’t necessarily have to be direct to put up a protective boundary. It can be as easy as not responding to what the other person is saying. You can also just think “no” in your mind. Sometimes the boundary of “no” comes to us as a feeling. Listen to that “no” and let it guide you. Sometimes simply holding onto that feeling during an interaction with an unsafe person can guide us so we don’t abandon ourselves when the other person might try to draw us into their agenda. You can say “no” directly or indirectly.  As mentioned above, doing “no” can look like standing up when you are finished with a face-to-face conversation, or getting off the phone or not messaging someone back when conversing with someone online.

Use “I statements.” The best way to be heard is to speak solely from your perspective. We cannot know how another person feels or what they need. But you are the expert on you. Starting every sentence with “I” can safeguard you from getting caught up in a topic that may go nowhere or may put an unsafe person even more on the defensive than they normally would be. (More on this in Part III of this series.)

Mirror their aggression. If they speak in a loud voice or yell, you can raise your voice in a controlled but strong way to mirror back the power they are sending at you. If they stand up, you stand up. Make your body and voice as big and powerful as necessary, but only if you feel safe doing so. As a reminder, you can do this in a respectful but firm way. But if someone becomes verbally or physically violent, protect yourself by immediately leaving the conversation.

Manage your expectations. Unsafe people are generally not good listeners. Say what you want to say without expectation of being heard or understood in a meaningful way. Instead, express yourself for the purpose of hearing yourself speak your truth. Focus on the positive impact on yourself and those near you for whom you are modeling self-advocacy and healthy boundaries, and try to avoid looking for a specific outcome. Taking a strong stand for yourself can increase one’s sense of self over time, but it’s unlikely to make an unsafe person change their behavior toward you.

Do things on your terms. Only agree to speak to an unsafe person if you can guarantee that you will be physically and emotionally safe. Set up parameters for the conversation like choosing a safe location (like a public place), setting limits on the time frame, choosing who is present, and by making sure you have a way to immediately leave if necessary. Never agree to speaking to someone you know will harm you. Use centering practices like prayer and meditation in anticipation of these conversations, and always listen to your intuition and instincts as they are your best guide before, during, and after interactions with unsafe people.

The guidelines above do not guarantee that a difficult conversation will go well or that it will produce the outcome you desire. Nor can following them ensure that the relationship will remain intact or be one you will want to continue. There may be significant tension when you start to protect yourself in a relationship with an unsafe person. They may go to great lengths to encourage you to “change back” to your former way of interacting with them. They may even threaten you when nothing else works to get what they want from you. But taking an appropriate stand for yourself is central to self-care when interacting with unsafe people. We cannot please everyone, and trying to do so harms us and our relationships. I like to think of these conversations as the familiar LDS hymn implores, “Do what is right; let the consequence follow.”

Stay tuned next month for the final post in this series about how to have a difficult conversation with someone who is generally safe.

Wendy is a psychoanalyst, licensed clinical social worker, and marriage and family therapist in private practice.

Guest Post: An Open Letter to the Stake President Concerned about Breastfeeding

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Federico Zandomeneghi, “Young Woman Writing a Letter”

By Artemis

Dear Stake President,

I hear that you have a special concern for the delicate sensibilities of the porn addicts and lusty teenage priesthood holders when it comes to their exposure to female skin in the bosom region whilst females are feeding their babies. I have a few ideas on how to prevent lustiness from infecting our hallowed chapel walls:

-Invite those distracted to sit in the rear of the chapel. Sacrament administration duties or speaking assignments that make viewing a nursing mother an inevitable event may need to be postponed until these priesthood holders are ready to obey our Lord’s commandment to not lust after women.

-Institute a curriculum that teaches youth and adults about the needs of breastfeeding infants and mothers. Remove the fetish by normalizing one of the most ubiquitous, non-sexual human events on the planet. Emphasize that this is one way to powerfully support mothers in their sacred role.

-Procure LDS artwork that depicts uncovered breastfeeding for buildings in your stake to combat myths about the church’s stance against public breastfeeding.

-Hold a special combined youth and older meeting during third hour to discuss the wickedness in our culture’s objectification of women, and discuss how we can reverse the cultural conditioning we’ve all been exposed to. Highlight that uncovered breastfeeding is the norm in almost all other LDS congregations around the world.

-Invite ward Relief Society presidents to give talks in their wards about the divinely-designed miracle of breastfeeding, including a summary of all sacred breastfeeding metaphors in scripture (Isaiah 49:15, 1 Nephi 21, etc.).

-Give a talk during stake or ward conferences on how expecting women to alter their behavior to accommodate the vices of men is sexist, wrong, and out of line with our doctrines concerning personal accountability (Article of Faith #2) and our ability to obey all commandments God has given (1 Nephi 3:7).

-Institute a special Sunday school class on godly manhood that includes material on reversing the harmful effects of the world’s philosophy that men cannot conquer their base desires. Emphasize our doctrine that we must transcend our carnal state through the power and mercy of Jesus Christ (Mosiah 3:19).

-Acknowledge that porn addicts and teenagers have little control over the public environment, and that they will encounter female bodies in many forms and contexts, and will therefore be tasked with regulating their internal condition.

-Refer porn addicts to mental health care professionals who can help them with their addictions or fixations.

-Encourage any who are distracted by breastfeeding women to explore resources on meditation and other mindfulness practices that help develop mastery over one’s mind and thoughts.

-Designate a small room for the tempted to retreat to. The room should have a functioning audio system, be furnished with comfortable chairs, and not be connected to a smelly bathroom, but maybe not.

-Commission a stake-wide young men’s activity where the quorums are taught to sew or crochet small, eye-covering masks, to be worn during times of temptation. Some young men might sometimes push boundaries and wear skimpy masks that permit peeking, so you may want to avoid danger by instead making bags to be placed over their heads. This will be hot and make eating and fully participating in life difficult, but personal sacrifice is often required to protect chastity.

-Encourage all able women to nurse their babies without pressure to cover or hide in an effort to further renormalize breastfeeding for the rising generation. This will teach them what normal breasts look like and what their primary purpose is (refer to church-published A Parent’s Guide, Chapter 5). As little boys see their mothers and their primary teachers and their friends’ mothers nursing, they will grow up with a healthy concept of female breasts, and will be less likely to google “What do boobs look like?” because they will already have learned this within the sacred and appropriate context of motherhood. Removing taboos around women’s bodies will combat lust and porn addiction.

Or,

–Force all breastfeeding mothers to cover their babies while they nurse, regardless of the needs or preferences of mother or baby. Those who do not obey your will should be stripped of their temple recommends for daring to defy your authority and power. If husbands do not agree to command their wives to comply, strip them of their recommends as well.

There are many options to choose from, President! Some may affect the validity of your priesthood more than others.

Love,

A Sister in the Gospel

Artemis is a wife, mother of four children, and seeker of truth. She enjoys sewing and writing.

My Bad!

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I have noticed lately that public apologies have become a thing. Kind of. I’ve seen TV commercials from Facebook, saying they were going to do more to protect users’ data. No actual “sorry” in there. Wells Fargo, in the aftermath of a scandal that affected millions of clients, produced an ad campaign about “Earning Back Your Trust”. No actual “sorry” in there either. A class action lawsuit was settled but the company also denied the allegations. If you say you aren’t guilty, are you actually sorry? If we are on the first step of repentance, “Feel Sorry”,surely that includes admitting that we made a mistake. Starbucks very publicly apologized for its own recent scandal, including a personal apology from the CEO, Kevin Johnson. How do these few examples strike you? Do you feel more positively towards these companies?

We all realize that groups, including corporations, clubs, and churches, are made of individuals that make decisions. No group can be better than it’s participants. Whether one person (Starbucks) takes actions that are wrong, or many people (Wells Fargo) make illegal or unethical choices, the group must bear some of the consequences or liability. The group itself has responsibility for its’ policies and procedures. What about us, as members of the church? In 2015 Dallin Oaks stated that the church doesn’t “seek apologies, and we don’t give them.”

Since we are all imperfect, we can’t expect any organization, even an inspired one, to be perfect. Mistakes will be made. All the time. As we strive and stumble together, hopefully towards a better, healthier, holier body of Christ, we make mistakes. Our whole history as a church is full of trial and error. Mission ages and lengths, the ways we worship on Sundays, traditions about gender roles, ideas about the Word of Wisdom, standards of modesty, the list goes on. Some things work well, for a while. Some ideas are not good. Could hearts be healed if apologies were given? The exclusion policies about the priesthood, the traumas inflicted by the well intended Indian Placement Program, the evolving attitudes towards women, people of color, and the LGBTQ community, the current discussion about breastfeeding mothers, are so many opportunities to grow. The Savior’s example of humility should influence our actions, both individually and collectively. I can do better. We can do better.