Allison Hurd's Blog, page 5

Millenials Are Killing Manners

“No one has a real conversation anymore.”

“No one knows how to cook anymore.”

“No one respects tradition anymore.”

“No one just lets me say offensive things anymore.”

You can tell the artist has no effing clue about how this works. Who signs their texts?

If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times–my generation is killing all that is good and sacred. Apparently we’re the Apocalypse incarnate, and where our Uggs tread, death soon follows. Miss Manners would require her smelling salts if she were around today.

Or, and I think this is more likely, she would trade her crinoline for tailored jeans and give advice for the modern era, because adapting is what the perfect hostess does best. Here are a few I’ve thought of for The Millenials’ Guide to Killing Them Softly.

Dating

Online dating is one of the best and worst inventions of this era. Used properly, it can save thousands of dollars and hours on cruising bars, attempting to pick people up in grocery stores, and weed out the people with whom you cannot possibly connect before you even need to shake hands.

When you find someone you think might be a potential date, always make sure to reference something you liked about their profile other than their photograph. They likely intentionally chose a flattering picture of themselves, and expect that no one who finds them physically repulsive will spend time saying hello. Attempt to connect. Be warned that while commenting on a photo may be flattering, it may also come with a well-deserved “fuck off” and there’s nothing I can say to stop that.

Dining In

If this is a more formal affair, the meal should feel homey and include consideration for any dietary restrictions or observances of your guests. Cloth or recycled paper napkins should be used, water should be served as a matter of course, and enough food so that guests can have seconds without feeling greedy should be prepared–pretend they are arriving with an army of stoned lions, and make enough so that they can eat, too.

If this is less formal, the TV show or movie should be cued up beforehand, dinner should be ready or delivered shortly after they arrive, and light chatter should be anticipated. Do whatever you need to be cool with people talking during your favorite scenes.

Phones should be on silent, and should be kept in bags or pockets unless you have a pressing concern such as children, or a tweet that just went viral, or it’s been more than an hour since you updated Instagram.

Dining Out

Phones should be placed to the right of the napkin or kept in bags or pockets. They should be on silent, and not checked more than once per course, when pictures are also allowed.

Whenever meals are relatively comparable in price, the check should be split evenly. If there is a vast discrepancy in cost, the check may be apportioned, but, you ordering the surf and turf and three cocktails, should damn well pay for your friend/date’s $10 salad and free lemon water, Moneybags McGee. I know you earned that money, but you also have to earn friendships and guess which one tends to be harder to find? Especially if you know you’re much better off than your friend, do something nice so that you have someone who wants to talk to you. Jesus, why are we still talking about this?

If it’s a cash pool, such as for happy hours or work lunches, make sure you add in tax and 20% tip, plus a little extra in case someone is a little short. Any money that is overpaid can be applied to other group events.

Social Media

Post like your grandmother and your boss are going to see everything. Or like your comments will be read in a court of law. Do not friend your grandmother or your boss on anything, and keep any profiles that can be private set to private so they don’t end up in any courts of law. Tweet like the world is watching.

Ask friends before you unload on assholes on their feeds, and respect their wishes if they ask you not to start another fight today.

Definitely fight anyone who questions the social worth of any group of people. No nazis should feel safe posting where you can see them.

Texts/DMs/Other Messages

Textual messages should be acknowledged as soon as possible after reading. Even a polite lol says that you’ve received the message and appreciated it. Avoid periods unless it’s a multi-sentence message, no emojis work, or you’re angry.

The exception is anyone you do not know. These people may be safely ignored, answered, or trolled, depending on what is said and how much time you have today.

Remember that your “text seen” notification is always telling on you.

Workplace

Only curse around people who’ve cursed in front of you first. If this is unavoidable due to cubicle situations or your personal filters, learn a few choice words in another language. “Putain” is much classier sounding than “motherfucker,” unless your boss is French and then likely they’ve already cursed in front of you so this rule is void.

Check you didn’t hit “reply all” at least 3 times before sending any emails.

Always show up for birthdays that involve cake.

Attempt to attend one departmental gathering (lunch, happy hour, walk for coffee) per quarter.

 

That’s what I’ve got so far! What are some other rules you’ve noticed?

Imagine how rude we’d find them all today!

The Sensitivity Police: How Not To Be A Jerk

I’m writing! Things are being written! Hope to have the first draft done this month!

So, I shall take a break from fiction and talk about reality in fiction again.

I want to bring up trauma again, and most specifically how it’s not any of our damn business how people handle it.

This was making the rounds again in my social media (incoming: rage alert)

Let me take a deep breath.

First of all, 18 year olds are still fighting in every war on Earth, and several that don’t require enlistment. Second of all, I’m pretty sure we all agreed that it was really shitty to send teenagers to die because not only did they die by hundreds of thousands, they came back and killed themselves, too. Vonnegut, I’m sorry, they didn’t get the message from Slaughterhouse Five. Over 20% of all combat related discharges are due to psychological conditions, and that number grows. Finally, words do hurt. We’ve spent generations getting people to stop beating their children, to use diplomacy rather than violence, and to value all human life. It is therefore patently ridiculous that having seen some amount of success on that front, we’re now condemning young people for continuing the work.

Everyone against teen suicide, the increased rate of suicide for young men, and the recent rise in hate crimes can stay here, encouraging people to use words and avoid wars. Everyone else, who hurt you? Please get therapy about it. That isn’t a diss, I honestly think you need to talk to someone and you should feel secure doing so.

The world is not safe. Violence is unavoidable. But it isn’t desirable, either. Teaching your daughters to walk with keys in her hand is a sad, grim skill we give out–it’s hardly something we hope she’ll have to use. And if she does, likely she does not feel angelic after–she felt threatened and she responded. Same with war. Learning to fight, or fire a gun can be a useful skill, but it does nothing to make you inherently more resilient or better. I’m not sure when we conflated a survival instinct with moral superiority, but please allow me to kindly invite you to fuck off with that nonsense.

This meme comes up a lot when discussing politically correct things like trigger warnings or content warnings. “Ugh. Your great, great grandfather was getting PTSD by the time he was your age, and you want a content warning for war, young lady?”

Yes, how dare a generation that grew up knowing their elders had not actually made it out of Normandy or Poland, or Vietnam, who watched the twin towers fall and their friends go to war only to come back different if they came back at all say that maybe they’ve had enough of war, and too many experiences clamoring in their head to find it glorious.

But more than just participating in some sort of illusory pissing contest, why are we mocking people? What does it cost to allow those who want it a reprieve? What do we lose?

Often, I think, the reaction against “political correctness” is a response to feeling ashamed. Jokes that people once laughed at aren’t funny any more. People who used to just grit their teeth or remark “at least we’re included” are now finding a voice to say that no, these things make people feel bad and are unnecessary when we have other, better words to use. This is difficult, because it feels like they think we’re bad people–that maybe we’re racist or sexist or otherwise bigoted!–when we just haven’t been able to keep up with evolving language. Saying something racist and hating people of different races can be different, but only if you then make sure you change your language. If you’re okay with people finding your words a bit racist, well, then I have news for you. They’re going to find you a bit racist.

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I know, change is tough.

Do some people go too far in their sensitivity? Perhaps. But what they do has no bearing on me and my desire to be respectful. I am not going to suggest that all people who say “that isn’t funny” need to change when I can much more realistically just tell a new joke. And I’m definitely not going to dangle respect for human life like a blue ribbon at the end of a debate competition. No one needs my personal approval to be treated in a way that makes them feel valued. I would be an asshole if I required that.

Part of that means we don’t get to decide what deserves a content warning. The human brain is an amazing creation, and it often does not make entire sense. It is important to realize that people don’t often need content warnings to avoid simple offense–I don’t like potty humor, in general, but I don’t need to be warned that there are a lot of gas jokes in a book. Content or trigger warnings are about panic and revulsion responses. They are not things that have to bother everyone, and you are not a bad person if you don’t have anything that causes panic or physical revulsion–but it doesn’t make you a better person, either. You just have a different wiring in your brain. You should feel fortunate! But it is not an attainable trait for most people, even those who are strong, and they are not “bad” for knowing their personal limits. Think of it like alcohol. It is often a boast that someone can hold their liquor, but if someone is a recovering alcoholic, or on a medication, or doesn’t like the taste of something, do we think it is healthy to find them lacking moral fiber? Or is it more likely they’re just not part of the majority of social drinkers, and we therefore might sometimes need to plan activities or refreshments that don’t involve booze?

It is also true that sometimes content that many would find scary by itself isn’t the actual issue for people with panic disorders or responses. For example, someone who was in a car accident might not actually be upset reading about car accidents, but might get nervous reading about someone driving in heavy snow, because that’s the element their mind latched onto. This is the difference between content warnings (content warning: car crash) and trigger warnings (trigger warning, person Y, it has heavy snow while driving). Like I said, the brain doesn’t always make sense. The person with the response knows that. We don’t have to convince them, we just have to decide if we want to be a jerk about it.

I prefer warnings of sexual violence in books. It doesn’t mean I won’t read the book, or that I faint at the reality of the world. It just means that if I’m going to do something with a high chance of causing me to feel panic (actual panic–increased heart rate, adrenaline, a need to move/run away or fight something, tears, shaking etc) or a rage so intense and a sorrow so deep that I cannot absorb what I’m reading, I want to make sure I’m ready so that I can absorb what I’m reading (or watching or listening to) without maybe sending myself into a spiral. I’ve fended off people who’ve wanted to hurt me. I’ve held people who had just been hurt. I am not a weak person. I just don’t tend to do those things for fun, either.

So, before we tell someone to buck up or that we can “separate the artist from the art” in a way that comes across as a dig, maybe ask yourself “is this a hill I need to die on?” and then don’t. Live your own life and let them live theirs, like we’ve been teaching generations since the 1940s. We’ve had almost 80 years to take this to heart–if you have one, now’s a great time to make it obvious.

 

The Brain Won’t Do The Thing Today

I have so many things I want to write about, but I had my circadian rhythm inverted yesterday and I can’t do the words out loud today. Here is a summary of my week:

-I would pay so much money for unlimited skillet cornbread

-Epic does not mean confusing AF

-Brain weasels should be banned

-Thank goodness for floofy cats

-A piece of my cabinetry is missing and I’m very confused about that

-About 4 pages left of book 3!!!!

I hope you all have the word-making do gooder and a good start to the next month-fragment! Hopefully next Sunday I’ll be able to talk more coherently!

Better Ways to Be Bad

The last two weeks I’ve talked about comforting people and setting boundaries. Rest assured, this is still a blog about writing and books. So, what do those things have to do with writing?

This is about character studies, babe.

I’ve talked before about how I hate when cruelty is short hand for identifying the bad guy, and how trust is one of the most compelling things to read about. In short, showing is almost always more effective than telling for me, and I spend a lot of time thinking about what that looks like in my writing.

Comforting people is a very good indicator of who the comfort-giver is and their relationship to the comfort-seeker. A mother wraps her child in an embrace. Lovers hold each other or perform acts of service. Best friends raise you up or punch the person who hurt you. An acquaintance says “well, you survived, so that’s good.” More than declarations of love, grand gestures in times of happiness, or giddy responses to witty conversation, who the characters pick to confide in, and the response of on-lookers says so much.

When I was talking about this with my spouse, he brought up Captain America, and how Steve’s solid belief in people, his empathy, willingness to be vulnerable and to play back up even though he outranks the others makes him so much more human. He’s super strong, super fast, great at tactics, and is probably the world’s best hugger. He doesn’t need to say anything to Bucky or to his friends about Bucky. He’s already proven what fraternal love is to him, and we love him for it.

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It’s guy love, between two guys! (Image copyright Marvel Studios.)

 

Think of the difference in these two scenes:

“My dog died today,” she whispered.

“Aw, I’m sorry. He’s in a better place now,” Alex replied with a sympathetic smile and a pat on the shoulder.

“My dog died today,” she whispered.

“Oh, sweetness,” Alex replied, pulling her into an embrace as tears welled in both their eyes.

Both are attempts to comfort, but look how much we can surmise about these two characters from just that response. We don’t need to assert how close Alex and the girl are in the second one–it’s evident that there is a bond of some sort, and that they care very much for each other. There is the sense of history without having to recount it. The first one, however, adds distance. We feel the characters are separated by circumstance–perhaps they are strangers or co-workers or classmates who don’t talk out of class. Or, Alex is cold and uncomfortable. Either way, without having to catalog them like shipped goods, we can list a whole host of attributes to Alex now.

Ditto with toxicity and bad people.

Oh look, a whole bunch of people who need a boot up the ass.

Yes, kicking puppies and slaying maidens makes it clear this bad guy is a serial killer, but consider Draco Malfoy, Dolores Umbridge, and Joffrey, three of the most hated bad guys in history. Okay, maybe Joffrey was pretty damn close to a serial killer, but in the books at least he never quite got around to it. He was, however, extremely manipulative, did not accept boundaries, and knew how to rig the system in his favor. Same with Malfoy and Umbridge. They did nothing heinous–never even laid hands on people. But their cruelty was in their words and their petty tyranny–their belief that they were more important than others, and that people who opposed them deserved to be punished.

This is way more compelling because fewer of us have triggers around this behavior, but most of us have experienced it, and we feel the same conflicts around snitch culture, respecting authority, the unassailable fortress of power, and the fickle nature of notoriety. We can identify and attach our own frustrations to these characters without shutting down like we tend to do with violence that’s over the top.

As Stalin said, “one death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.” There’s so much more feeling in the intimate crime, in the attack of one person. Someone who’s cruel constantly to all people, who does atrocious amounts of harm, becomes too big to resonate with us–we can’t see anything in them that resembles ourselves, which makes them alien, and therefore emotionally detached from us.

Consider, Darth Vader blowing up Alderaan and Darth Vader killing Obi Wan. Or Thanos killing half the people in the universe versus Loki killing Agent Colson.

I don’t think we need to have all bad guys be Kingpin and Vader and Thanos. The toxic form of humanity is plenty egregious for us to rebel against.

And I don’t think telling us how close someone is will ever convey the full depth of love between two characters quite the same as how they treat each other when one is shattered.

What other examples of unspoken love or villainy can you think of?

 

Putting On My Oxygen Mask First

I talked last week about how to support people, with some significant caveats.

Today, I want to talk about people who are toxic, taxing, or too far above your ability to heal. Who the hell am I you ask? I’m nobody, really. I’m not a mental health professional or life coach. I’m just someone who likes people and writes about them for fun. I wouldn’t consider this advice so much as a reminder, or encouragement because what do I know about your life? I know a bit about dealing with people who are beyond your capacity, and that’s really it.

First let’s talk about what this all means.

Toxic people to me are those who take and never give back, or who take in a way that hurts us. A friend who supports you when you’re going through a break up but then reminds you of that break up every time they’re upset at you is a toxic friendship. So is the friend who calls you to cry about their break up but doesn’t listen to you when you need a shoulder to cry on. Toxic people might attempt to manipulate you, or can’t be trusted to respect your autonomy, by doing things like sharing secrets, misrepresenting you when they want, or pushing you to provide support you wouldn’t normally provide. They can be family members, best friends, co-workers, heck, even strangers. You can love someone and still realize that they hurt you in ways that feel intentional or willfully ignorant. In short, these are frenemies and haters.

I think it should be said that having a bad day or a fight with someone doesn’t necessarily make someone toxic. It’s more patterns of control, a lopsided relationship that does not allow for someone to get a consistent benefit, or to get that benefit at a price.

Taxing people are those who aren’t hurting you, but who drain you, for lots of reasons. Maybe they’re not able to control their emotions due to anger or illness, or are going through a really, really tough time and need more ongoing support than you can provide by yourself. Maybe they insist on doing things you know to be a bad idea but you can’t convince them to stop. Or perhaps they unwittingly or earnestly are doing something that just so happens to be something you don’t handle well. There’s no malice, they’re not doing anything to you, they just take everything you have to give through no fault of their own.

And then there are the things you’re not equipped to handle. It could be  that you have no experience to pull from to comfort your friends, or that it’s a topic you have a tough time handling. It could well be that you’re going through things of your own. Whatever it is, sometimes you’re just not the jedi they’re looking for.

There’s a one word answer for all of this, and that answer is useless. But fine, I’ll share it. The answer is boundaries. We need to set boundaries.

Welp, now you know what to do, that’s today’s post, good luck!

“Just set boundaries.” Yes, thank you, self-help gurus! I get so irritated about the memes going around about boundary setting. Okay, yes, I deserve love. I don’t need to be unhappy for someone else’s happiness. Fences make great neighbors and all that. Well, peachy! I want those. But what does it mean? It’s so easy to say, sitting over there feeling all centered and secure, but how do we do it in the field, so to speak?

Step one, always put on your own oxygen mask first.

This is where I start. Make sure you’re safe first. For the record, let me say that if you are not in a space to support someone, it is okay. You are not a bad friend or partner if you can’t be there right now–this is about the long game, and you’ll take turns helping each other out of the bad times. But helping someone should never feel like drowning. If someone is asking you to drown for them, see the definition of toxic people.

Make sure you’re feeling safe and supported before you go out on a limb for others.

Step two, determine how much you have that you can give.

I like to think of it like a bank account. For an acquaintance, I might spot them $10 or $20. A close friend I might dip to the point I’d have to give up something frivolous but not so far that rent is impacted. For someone I count in my family circle experiencing a complete emergency, I might play a little finer with that edge. But in no circumstance (ideally) should anyone ask you to overdraw or declare bankruptcy for them. Right? It’s the same emotionally. Partners and best friends make regular deposits into your trust fund (get it??) and therefore might be able to draw more from you more regularly.

But when someone, even bestie, starts taking more than you’re willing to front, you have to set a withdrawal limit. This could be that you only answer their texts from 5-7 pm. This could be saying you’ll get back to them tomorrow, or a decision you have to enforce in which you will not discuss anything outside of work matters with them. For me, this also means I have to set thresholds. I am only going to interfere when I think something illegal or mortally dangerous is about to happen. I am only going to correct them when I think what they said causes harm to others. I am limiting how many fights I take on, rather than necessarily limiting how many times I contact those people.

This sounds almost as easy as “just love yourself” for boundary setting. I wish you could just pull up a quick summary and see you have 40 friend bucks in the account, which of course is not what it’s like. It’s not easy, so all I can say here is trust yourself, try out what feels right, and amend as you see the results. If I ever figure out more specific rules, or stumble across someone who has, I’ll be sure to write about it and put it behind a pay wall because I think that’d get me rich.

Step three, stay in your wheelhouse

Most of us aren’t professional mental health experts, and even they will tell you there are certain conditions they don’t treat. You don’t have to be everything to everyone, so if someone comes to you with something you don’t know how to handle, be up front about it. “I love you, I am not the person you want to have this conversation with,” is a perfectly acceptable thing to say to someone, in my opinion. If it’s just outside of your strengths, you can still stick to the things you know you do well–are you a great hugger? Do people just want to hear you say that you see them and believe them? You don’t have to fix it, you just have behave like a friend.

Step four, know when to walk away.

Sometimes people won’t listen and they won’t stop doing things that hurt you. Toxic people, in my experience, are often very good at getting around boundaries. They want reactions–they often want you to hurt, and the only real way to disengage from them is to be completely non-responsive. They feed off your response to them, so denying them your reaction is the only way to get free. We know that hurt people hurt people, but that’s not a good reason to accept abuse. It might feel hard, like letting someone suffer, especially since they will likely make sure to tell you how you’re hurting them.

But when your survival is at risk for someone else’s it’s time to make the choice that allows you to fight another day. Unfollow them on social media, lose their number, stop responding to texts, block them. This is really, really tough to do, especially if it’s someone with whom you’re very close. While everyone deserves compassion, you never deserve an attack. If their words were fists, what would you do? Sometimes it’s easier to see if you imagine it   happening to someone you love. If someone treated your spouse, best friend or child that way, what would you think or do? If it’s “stop playing with them,” time to say goodbye. Remember when you do this to have your circle around to help you stay strong and grieve safely.

Good luck! If you have tips on creating boundaries, please share them so we may all learn! If you send me a meme I swear to Al Gore that I will only answer you between the hours of 5 and 7 pm.

 

 

I’d Advise Not Giving Advice, If You Asked Me, Which You Have Not

Book update: It is still made of words and growing wordier. It is doing this slowly because I am realizing it needs different words in other places, too, and I’m adding those as I realize they’re not there.

Boom. Done. Now let’s talk about a real thing and stop worrying about who’s a year over her due date.

Today I’d like to talk about comforting people, advice, and how you shouldn’t do it.

There are lots and lots of ways to comfort people. Validation, allowing them to vent, offering solutions, mirroring their response…

Basically the only thing you should not do is offer blind optimism. I don’t care if everything happens for a reason, right now my pizza bagels all burned and I never got to eat one. Yes, I’m sure I’ll survive having missed the opportunity to go see Hamilton at a reasonable price, but right now I’ve just learned that someone sold the tickets out from under my nose. Platitudes are not there to help the person who is upset, they’re for the person being upset at. They are what we say when we are uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond. And we need to cut it out. Friendship isn’t about being comfortable with each other–I’m perfectly comfortable talking about pizza bagels and Hamilton with utter strangers. Friendship is being willing to be uncomfortable together.

Sometimes it’s obvious what your person needs. They may helpfully start with “I’M SO MAD. BE MAD WITH ME,” and then you know now is for being mad. But most of the time they just say “THE PIZZA BAGELS!!!!!” and it is reasonable to be completely unsure how this rates, crisis-wise.

I find, when I’m not sure what to do and someone else around me is very sure we ought to be doing something, the best course of action is to ask them.

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It’s really that easy. Ask, and then believe them. Perhaps you’ll get to the point where you can make an assumption based on previous experiences, perhaps not. I’ve done a lot of comforting, and needed quite a bit. I’d rather be asked every time.  “Cheer up” has never once been what I needed.

We also have ways we like to be comforted that may not work for other people. One common thing we like to do, because we hate to see people suffer, is offer solutions a.k.a. advice.

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A Real Thing That Happened, shared with permission.

I mean look at that. You know the first person means well. But if you’ve reached the age of maturity and don’t know how body heat works, likely you’re not in a position where a few people on the internet are going to make it better. Otherwise, you can be assumed to know basic life skills and have had some access to Google.

The second person is attempting to fix both the sad and the angry at Person One with humor, which is totally a valid response if you happen to know it’s appreciated. I hope.

Advice wants to be given in the spirit of concern and active listening, but often it is insulting, minimizing, or unhelpful. Most often, when I say something isn’t going well and I get advice, the majority of the conversation is spent convincing them this is a real problem that routine solutions have not been able to fix. And then I have two problems: the first one, and now you.

Sometimes, the effin’ thing’s broken and fixing it isn’t something we have the power to do right now. Sometimes, we just got a huge shock to our system and need a second to adapt to new information before we try to fix things. So, my advice? Wait til someone asks for your advice. You’ll know, because it will end in some sort of inquisitive statement.

Another response I see a lot is the question.

“I’m sick.”

“Did you go to the doctor?”

“Yep.”

“Did you get medicine?”

“Yep.”

“Did you take it?”

“Yes.”

“Is it working?”

“Well, right now I have a headache, so I’d say no.”

Questions are fine in an intimate context–your spouse, your kid, a close friend in a private setting. Asking as a member of the general populace for updates when you want them is again, an attempt to assuage your feelings, not to help the other person. You are concerned and want not to feel that way. Understandable, but it’s also exhausting to have a problem and have to run your own press conference in one-on-one meetings every time something happens. If you’re really concerned and aren’t on the list of first people to be contacted, try contacting someone you know to be closer with the upset person first. This idea is called “support in, vent out.” The person having a tough time should only get the support they need. This could be an offer to make quesadillas if the pizza bagels are all gone. It could be telling people about the new cancer updates for the person in treatment. The sick and/or hungry person doesn’t need to worry about comforting you, or what you need to deal with this issue. They just need help. You can freak out at someone else further from person having a tough time. Example: the store doesn’t have the shoes I want. I complain to my spouse who comforts me. He complains to his sister who comforts him and me. She complains to her friends who comfort her. That way, everyone is on the same page re: the sorrowful shoe situation, and I don’t have to explain to my sister in law’s friend’s cousin about how the website said it was in stock but it wasn’t.

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Instead of advice or grilling them like this is a bad cop show, you can try these forms of comfort instead:

Validation

This is affirming to the person in need that their responses are reasonable.

“That really sucks, I’d be mad, too.”

“I can’t believe they said that, that sounds really passive aggressive to me.”

“You are not crazy. You researched it first on the internet and believed them about the shoes. This is what supply management systems are designed for.”

Mirroring

This is where you share in their pain.

“No one talks to my friend like that!”

“Ohhh, I’m so sorry, I’m so sad to hear that.”

“THEY ARE THE BURR TO YOUR HAMILTON!”

Listening

You just listen and say things that show you really heard them.

“That really sucks.”

“It sounds like you had a tough day.”

“I can’t believe it burned every single pizza bagel. That’s tragic.”

It’s not quite validation, though it has a similar impact. It says that you hear what they are saying and agree that they have the right to be upset about it. Where validation says “it’s okay to feel” this says “I believe what you feel.”

Distraction

When used appropriately, distracting people can be great. Humor, cute cat videos, affirmations of love and support, these are sometimes all we can do to say we love them and know things are tough.

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Service

Do something for them. “Let me know if I can help” is fine as a form of listening, but it’s actually pretty useless in reality. I have had 2 people outside of my immediate family tell me what they need help with in my entire life, and they were embarrassed about it. Instead of offering, do something. If you’re near their pharmacy, tell them and ask if they have anything you can pick up since you’re there. Go over and take out the trash. Order them delivery. Send them flowers. Offer a hug. Organize an outing. Sit with them in the doctor’s office. Do something. Don’t ask. Don’t wait for people to get over their pride. Pitch in. This is of course for people you’re closer with, but if you really want to help someone on the fringe of your social group, approach someone in their inner circle. Those people are much more likely to know what you can do to help and to be fine asking for it.

In summation, I highly suggest asking what you can do and then trying something other than pleasantries, minimizing statements, or offering solutions (unless they want them!).

It is important to know though that sometimes these aren’t enough and sometimes they won’t work. But for most things, this might be a great place to start. Join us next week for a separate post on being there for people who are toxic, taxing, or totally beyond your skills to heal.

 

Agreeing On How We Disagree

When we were kids, my parents made us try a bite of every food someone served us. Being relatively picky eaters, they quickly realized that we’d need an appropriate way to say that we’d rather die than eat one more bite of this hell-sludge. They settled–fairly hastily, I think–on “it’s not my favorite” as the way we could communicate our utter revulsion. To this day, we still use it as a joke, a sort of Hurd-family take on the British-style under-statement.

“Had to go to the DMV today.”

“How was it?”

“It’s…not my favorite.”

As a grown person with a much broader palate, I still think we could all use some code words for communicating our unhappiness in a way that does not come across as an insult. Especially in today’s world of social media hot takes, when things can escalate really fucking quickly, de-escalation skills can save so many headaches. So here are five ways to dislike something without starting World War 3.

Say nothing.

Embrace your inner princess and just let it go.

Does it involve you? Is it something you’re very knowledgeable about? Did they ask for opinions? If the answer is “no” to any of these, maybe it just doesn’t apply to you and you can move along. Save the fights for some other day. Wait to voice opinion until the flash of ire passes and you’ve examined what it is that upset you so much–often the things that make me want to chime in with negative feedback is stuff that sparks an emotion from previous, entirely unrelated events that cannot be resolved in the context of this particular conversation. People don’t need to know you don’t like their haircut, found their vacation destination boring, or think the food picture they’re proud of looks disgusting. And if your preferences are because you were bullied as a kid for a similar haircut, broke up with your ex before that vacation, or got food poisoning from a related food, your dislike can both be entirely justified and completely unhelpful to either of you right now. Letting things go without comment is a solid way to dislike something without having to commit emotional resources to the object of your aversion.

I’m not sure that’s for me.

Ah, understatement! Works for children making puke noises into their hands at the dinner table, works even better for grown ups who know not to make sound effects! This is a bit of a shut down, but it does make it clear that this is an opinion you hold, not a value judgment. “It sucks” or “I really don’t know why people like this” are the most extreme versions of the value judgment as these both suggest that the speaker believes anyone with a different opinion is an idiot or a serial killer. So in my personal opinion, the understatement is a great way to stop conversation from droning on about something you dislike without calling your conversation partner the murderer of good taste.

Can you tell me more about what speaks to you?

It’s a bit judgy, maybe, but the question can be a way of growing intimacy and even possibly starting an open, earnest debate. I don’t like horror movies, but hearing people who do talk about the different kinds of scares, the tropes involved, how directors and writers use certain effects to control expectations and tension is still fascinating. I can learn so much without having to torture myself by watching these damn things. Sometimes, if the thing in question is something I find a bit questionable, it opens the door for candid, focused critique in the form of a light debate that can challenge views–including your own. I don’t recommend doing this with a motive, though, as that just increases the chance of it turning into an argument. Even if the conversation peters out after one question, you may still learn something about the speaker which can either be used to become better acquainted with them, or suggest it’s time to move on.

I also find this is great because a lot of the time the reaction I have isn’t to something intended. Asking a question gives the other person a chance to expand on their viewpoint, which often (for me at least) downgrades my desire to comment. “Bananas belong in all baked goods” is something I’d have feelings about, but if the speaker said “I’ve found it to be a good substitute for some of the sugar so that my diabetic kid can enjoy treats, too” I’d be less inclined to clutch my pearls.

Oh, that’s great to know you like this!

I also don’t like cilantro, but people telling me all about their new favorite restaurant or recipe tells me something about ideas for future meals together, cooking style, and general tastes. Information about a person can be great for things like gifts, introducing friends with similar preferences at parties, and other ways to show you’ve considered a person you care about. For less altruistic purposes, if the person says they like to do something you can’t stand, this response still sounds kind, and you can scamper off easy peasy, halo intact.

I’m so glad you enjoyed that.

People sharing things with you is often nice. Assuming it was a conversation you are participating in willingly, appreciating someone enough to care about what they care about, even if you dislike it, is a great way to express a desire to support your friends without actually having to address the thing you dislike. After a certain point, for example, people get tired of me yelling about koalas, and I just have to let them be wrong. But I appreciate that they wanted to share something with me, even if they are wrong. “I’m so glad you liked going to visit the koalas. It sounds like you had a magical trip.” I just leave off the bit where I’m saying “Hope you didn’t get chlamydia from the filthy, drugged up beasts” in my head.

Of course, sometimes the thing you dislike is a real issue–something that causes offense or hurts people. My suggestions are not targeted at that scenario. But if I saw more people handle matters of preference a little more kindly (or quietly), I’d turn off notifications and get more writing done!

Well, it could happen, anyways. You don’t know.

Neat-Oh!

First off, thank you to everyone who helped vote for my book title! I appreciate that so much!

And now, let me sing you the song of my people.

Overwrought outlines and bins of like-food stuffs,

Folded up undies and socks, that’s the good stuff.

Cute little dishes to hold both my rings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

When the world sucks, when my plot’s stuck, when I’m feeling bad,

I simply remember my neat line of jeans, and then I don’t feel so bad!

Oh yes, my friends! I just nerded out so hard I went full Julie Andrews on organizing shit. I love it. It truly makes me happy to think about what I use and how, and then make it so that it’s harder for me to make a mess than it is to put things in their proper home. It’s such a relief to look around and see only the things I like seeing. No, I’m not perfect about it, but when I want to have a perfectly ordered house, it’s achievable with minimal effort. So, in honor of the new year and the series that stormed the internet, here are my tips for organizing.

Tackle one area at a time.

Whether it’s the kitchen or the filing cabinet, don’t try to do both at once. If you’re easily overwhelmed, maybe focus on upper cabinets or one drawer at a time. I don’t know about you, but things seem so much easier to me when I pretend that I really only have one task to accomplish before I’ll be happy.

Honestly consider how you actually use that area, and what you’d like to do in that area.

This is about you. I know TV has us believing that no one should ever see a shoe in the house or a pile of junk mail on the table, but there’s no use giving ourselves anxiety conditions about it. I have shoes, die mad about it. Be honest, are you really going to take your shoes off in the garage every day? Will you make it to your bedroom closet? If not, just accept that where  your shoes are now is where they live, and plan for that. This applies to all things. Do you cook but not bake? Do you mostly eat prepared food? Do you host a lot or not at all? Would you do things differently if you had the space, or not really? Really visualize both your own habits and your desired outcome–this will help you figure out where things go (and maybe even what you don’t hang onto) later.

Take everything out.

Yes, everything, even the thing you know will definitely go there. Stuff likes to hide behind or under the things we actually like, and you must outwit it.

Put aside everything you know to be useful or find to be beautiful.

Sort documents into like piles. Sort kitchen implements into things that work together–likely you’ve never used the hand mixer and your wok at the same time, so maybe they don’t have to stay together. If you can, do the sorting in stages: things you use almost daily, things you use weekly or monthly, things you use once a year etc. This will help you decide how accessible they need to be. Your everyday makeup should be right at hand, while your costume makeup can maybe live somewhere else.

Whenever possible, find ways to display the things you find to be beautiful. It doesn’t matter if the beauty is sentimental or physical. Got a pretty bowl from your great aunt? A recipe written in your mother’s hand? A whimsical toilet plunger? Have ’em where you can see ’em, or at least enjoy them when you want. It might well free up space, and will certainly make your home feel more like you.

All sorts of things I found pretty or useful, as well as pretty storage for less pretty things that I like to have on hand, and a little clutter that shows I am not an actual robot.

Consider if the other things have value to you.

If the emotion you associate with it is duty, guilt, or frustration, consider maybe now’s the time to free yourself. You should not feel compelled to do anything in your own home. Of course, that’s not always practical, but if you don’t love it and don’t use it, now’s a good time to reevalute what it means to you.

Organize by purpose.

I like to make stations: baking station, shoe station, mail station. In this way, all my everyday dishes have homes within arm’s reach of the dishwasher, when I put the mail somewhere it doesn’t look like I’m making a squirrel’s nest, and I don’t need to run a mile to prepare a batch of cookies going back and forth between where ingredients, tools, and servingware is. I also try to keep the things I use most in the most accessible places and leave the black holes to the stuff I don’t need often. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

This is by the stand mixer. I bake here.

Everything needs a home.

This isn’t about throwing stuff away, it’s about having a system that allows you to maximize your peace of mind and time. So, if you have a small kitchen and an abiding fondness for various machines, you might need to think of another way of housing all of them. Again, be honest with yourself. There’s no rule that linen cabinets can’t have games or espresso machines, if you have more of those than sheets. I like to check Pinterest for interesting ideas for storing things. It absolutely pays off to invest a bit in cabinet-depth bins, pretty storage boxes, drawer organizers and so on. I know this isn’t always something we can do immediately, but even origami paper boxes and dollar store bins can really make life easier. It is worth a few bucks to keep you from being pinned under a closet avalanche. Your happiness is worth a few bucks.

So, whatever you keep, make sure it has a place it can go, and that that home is conducive to the way you live your life. For example, I got a couple baskets to house our scarves and winter wear. I knew that if we had to open a drawer or fight with a cupboard, the scarves would never go to their home, and would instead live on the backs of chairs. Fancy schmancy furniture or sorting tools will help you none at all if it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.

It’s okay not to be sure right now.

You can keep anything you want. For me, if I’m not sure I’m ready to get rid of something, I put it in a box or a bag out of sight (the attic or under my bed, usually!) If I find I miss it or need it within six months, it needs a home. If I don’t need it in six months, I reevaluate my feelings for it. For clothing, which I find difficult, I turn things inside out. If when I go to change over my clothing for the next season it’s still inside out, I usually take that as a hint and put it in the “leaving the house” pile.

It’s your home.

Chances are you’re not booking a photo shoot for your house this week. Likely there are a few things in it that have seen better days. Undoubtedly some days you won’t be as tidy as others. This is all okay. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone else. It’s your life. It’s your house. Whatever says cozy to you is probably right. Don’t let people or magazines badger you into things that cause you distress. There isn’t a right way to keep house. It should be safe, it should make you happy, and it should serve your life. Whatever that means to you is exactly how it ought to be.

Find good homes for the things you don’t want.

I think a lot of the guilt is from the image of all your stuff in a trash heap. Some things do have to be junked, but probably not most. Charities, schools, prisons, churches, thrift shops and stores like ReStore are all great places to start if you just want to get rid of things. Tag or yard sales, craigslist or other online merchant websites and friends are also great ways to make a few bucks or know that your beloved things are going to help someone. If I find I have a lot of things I can’t really use in a timely fashion, I like to make gifts to surprise friends with. Then I get the joy of knowing I’ve done something for people I like and the joy of not having it around anymore. Be creative! Repurposing items, making unusual displays, upcycling…there’s a million ways to make sure our things are appreciated that don’t involve them moldering on a shelf, in a drawer or on a heap.

There you go! It’s maybe not as simple as “does it spark joy,” but for me, focusing on the useful and the beautiful, and then finding ways to do good with the things that don’t fit those categories has been a huge help in creating a homey home. Good luck for all you de-clutterers! For me, I’m going to keep weaving a story from the plot points I know to be important and find to be evocative, one chapter at a time.

Spectitular Nameology

A few weeks ago, I realized I may have a problem. I’d already selected a title and started circulating it. And then, like every time anyone shares a name they’re thinking about with people at large, it became a problem.

“Oh you’re naming your kid Alex? An Alex once puked on me. When I hear the name I can still smell it.”

So it goes.

Well, it turns out that there’s been some controversy about similar names to the one I’d proposed, and also a lot of other authors had the same brilliant titular ideas I had, and while I can’t blame them, I’m not sure I want to spend my marketing time explaining which bestseller I am not.

So!

New names!

I have a poll going on at my Facebook page for a new title. I’ve got a few strong contenders. Want to help me out? Click the link and come vote!

2019 Needs More Cake (And Fewer Poison Arrows)

This time last year, I was feeling ready. I was prepared for what the year would bring. I was going to fight them on the beaches, on the Twitters and on the tumblrs. Or so I thought. And then 2018 came at us like Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and I ran away.

So this year I’m moving through like I’ve failed this level before and can’t quite tell where the hell all the poison darts come from. Is it the blue square? The yellow triangle? I don’t know, BUT I’M TIRED OF RUNNING HERE.

We’re a week in. So far, no poison darts, though The Other One has some sort of plague, and I think I might be getting sick too because I do want a lot more dairy and British television, which is usually what a cold looks like for me. Yes, I know it’s strange for humans, but it’s how it works for me, let me suffer alone with my cheese.

This year I’m trying to keep it simple. I want to finish this book. I’m so close, but life intruded and I’m just about at the point where I can politely ask it to put its shoes on and call it a night. I want to read The Malazan series, because what I really, truly want right now is just to escape wholesale into reading about heroes overcoming great odds when I’m not in the really real world. I want to try all the different kinds of honey cake I can find, because as usual, I seek more ways to learn about other cultures and perspectives and most importantly eat more cake.

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Look at them all!

I want to be kind, where “kindness” is elevating people who are low, seeking not to condemn things that do not impact me or others, and vociferously condemning things that do impact us negatively.

I want to make my office look like the rest of my house and not the pile of things to donate.

I will try to ease myself into all of this while cautiously examining the floor for hidden traps, ducking randomly in case the dungeon called 2019 just senses my over-confidence, and working off the last of 2018’s honey cake from my waistline.

Heal really ought to work on your metabolism, too. Image: Lands of Lore

 

What do you want in 2019?