C.M. Selbrede's Blog, page 12

Poem: Turning Pages

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I am not ready for tomorrow, but if it is any consolation

Yesterday, I was not ready for today.

It is easy to want to stay in place, but we can’t,

The world keeps chugging like a treadmill.

You stay in place, you stumble.

You fall. You hurt.

And you don’t land in the past because the past is gone.

 

Nothing can be preserved, but if it is any consolation

Preserved whims and thingamajigs rarely taste as good,

Or shine as brightly, or even sparkle.

We are all growing all the time.

Trying to stunt momentum will gain you bruises only.

 

We are not stone anyway. We are lights.

We are flickering. We are burning out.

But thank God, this is our gift.

Burn brightly as best you can.

 

Be not afraid of turning pages.

Memoir: My Earliest Memories

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The problem with memories is that they’re not terribly reliable. Recounted tales of my youth mingle with dreams to obscure the nature of my earliest years, forcing me to take even the most vivid memory with a grain of metaphorical salt. As such, I have several flashes of consciousness which vie for the title of my “First Memory”.

Here is what I do know- my memory begins sometime in 2002, when my father was stationed in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.  During this time, the ocean was quite literally our backyard, in the sense that after a brief but satisfying stretch of green, the earth gave way to steep stone, and then the dark blue depths of the harbor. When I say “harbor”, I mean harbor… as in World War II veterans came by our house on the anniversary of Japan’s attack in 1941. I didn’t understand this at the time, of course… as a two to three year old, I had no sense of the history this water held. To me, the ocean was the ocean, and the men who came by every year, just old men somehow related to the Navy my father fought for.

Nevertheless, my sisters and I steered clear of the water. For our age, we were good listeners, and our mother had told us very early on that if we went into the ocean, we would be eaten by hammerhead sharks. This warning caused some confusion when we later moved to Virginia and, upon passing the Potomac River, asked if there were sharks within those waters also.

It is these sorts of half-memories, impressions, which define my time in Hawaii. I remember the ocean, sunshine… Sam Snead’s, a favorite restaurant of my family’s that Anna, Clara, and I mistakenly believed to be named Sam Sneeze, St. Philomena’s, the preschool we attended, the wildly compassionate and patient teachers there, and the pleasantly simple life my mother, sisters, and I lived by the sea.

So, what memories of mine could be my earliest?

The first memory to stick out to me seems unrealistic in its smug meta. I remember waking up one day, panicking over a lack of explicit memories, and running through facts of my life in an attempt to figure out what I could remember, besides truths and people. Obviously, a laughably “deep” first memory. Similarly, I remember dreaming that my life up until that point had been a “test life”, and I was now proceeding to a new life as a different person (a white one, if anybody wants to go into the race politics of my youthful subconscious). While this dream may or may not have occurred, I can’t guarantee I had such a detailed one at such a young age, and so I have chosen to discount it.

What I choose often to acknowledge as my “first” memory is a flash of a hectic morning, one where my father was home. I remember scrambling back and forth to help with breakfast (believe it or not, I did more then than I do now), and struggling to remember my potty training, thereby causing my mother to lose her patience with me. Other, more explicit memories stick out to me, but they seem less likely due to the aforementioned specificity and/or their placement.

For example: I remember waiting hysterically in the lobby of a hospital when my grandmother fell ill, panicking when my sisters left me alone watching “Sailor Moon” in another classroom, and putting on performances with my sisters on the stairs. None of these “feel” as ancient as that frantic morning. I remember more flashes… such as the tattered Sleeping Beauty dress Clara wore 24/7, resenting my neighbor who played with my sisters for hours on end, and a Christmas when the three of us received Angelina Ballerina dolls, but nothing quite as explicit.

It is the nature of life that none of us are privy to our moment of creation, or even our very first memory. Part of me resents the muddled nature of the past created by my flawed memory, but another piece somewhat understands that it is better this way. Memories are wonderful, but dangerous. Were they reliable and vivid, rather than messy and malleable, one might never move forward from the past.

Living in the past is already far too alluring without the benefit of certainty.

25 Favorite TV Shows of All Time (#5-1)

Though books hold a special place in my heart, over the past few years I’ve come to realize that my absolute favorite storytelling medium has to be television. Because of this, I decided to share the 25 TV shows which hold special places in my heart, and why!

5. Marvel’s Cloak & Dagger (2018-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Back Breaker (1×09)

The newest show on this list, the first, 10-episode season of Cloak & Dagger was still airing when I began this list… but still, I knew it belonged in my top 5. Arguably the best MCU TV show, and certainly the most consistently good, Cloak & Dagger succeeds by adapting a less-developed comic book property, expanding on the preexisting mythos while preserving- and improving on- the source material.

Unlike the comic, and Marvel’s Netflix shows, C&D chooses to relocate to New Orleans, but this change is far more than cosmetic– New Orleans, its culture, and its history form the backbone of this visually and narratively stunning series. Weaving an insanely compelling standalone story which follows up on Marvel’s Agent Carter, Cloak & Dagger handles mature themes without drowning in darkness, presents compelling teen drama without becoming a corny cliche, and creates morally complex, not always good protagonists who are still insanely likable.

When I first drafted this list, the show came in at 4th, but after the finale aired I had to knock it down a peg. Unfortunately, Cloak & Dagger‘s season finale was the worst episode of the series, its climax ignoring the rules laid out by the rest of the season, rushing to the finish with an unsatisfying, poorly animated deus ax machina with zero explanation.

However, despite how weak 1×10 was, 1×01-1×09 were the single most solid run of episodes Marvel has ever produced, and certainly its best looking. I have high hopes for Season 2, and hope Cloak & Dagger continues to delve into its mythology instead of resisting it last minute.

4. Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Self Control (4×15)

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. holds a special place in my heart, as it was the very first show I began watching on a week to week basis… but even if it didn’t, I have no doubt that AoS would make the Top 5, due to its astonishing ability to grow and reinvent itself through the years.

AoS, referred to colloquially by the less-educated as “Agents of S**t”, has an unfair reputation among most Marvel fans. Launching immediately after the wildly successful (and overrated) Avengers film in 2012, S.H.I.E.L.D. was hindered by the unreasonable expectations of fans, and by Marvel forcing it to spin its wheels while it waited for the S.H.I.E.L.D.-related twist from Captain America: The Winter Soldier to hit. Consequently, AoS starts slow, and it starts small… focusing on a small group of seemingly irrelevant agents under Phil Coulson, investigating small, one-off mysteries and developing its characters for the first several months.

And then CA: TWS hit, and everything changed- the well-developed characters we’d grown to know and love over the past few months were outgunned and on the run as S.H.I.E.L.D. as we knew it collapsed and a traitor was revealed against all odds. Resisting expectations, AoS barreled forward, laying on twist after twist and upping the stakes as our characters got more complicated, and the menaces they faced… more paranormal.

After the somewhat procedural first season, AoS gave us a phenomenal, fascinating second season introducing a superhero, a slew of comic book characters and elements, and a pitch perfect plot that ended in a shocking cliffhanger. Season Three gave us some more traditional superhero antics, falling slightly short of its predecessor but paving the way for the best thing the MCU has ever produced… AoS Season 4.

A tense, clever exploration of identity, Season 4 divided itself into three seemingly unrelated “pods” (or mini-seasons)… Ghost Rider, bringing in the magic of Doctor Strange in a phenomenal way, L.M.D., a truly terrifying arc which included the show’s best episode, “Self Control”, and Agents of Hydra, a trippy storyline which tied the first four seasons of the show, and all three pods, together into a fantastic conclusion. Season 5 of AoS didn’t quite match up to S4 in terms of quality, but it went even bigger, putting the agents in a near-impossible situation that kept the viewer on edge week after week.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has featured glorious cameos, shocking twists, and beautiful storylines (Season 4), but at its core, the show’s biggest strength is its dedication to characters and their growth. Season 1 might be hard to slog through, but I promise… the character development is worth it, and makes the good things to come that much more fun to watch.

3. DC’s Legends of Tomorrow (2016-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Phone Home (3×04)

Speaking of underrated shows…

DC Comics fans were in for a pleasant surprise a few years ago when The CW launched an interconnected universe of superhero shows, spinning out of Arrow. The first spinoff, The Flash, was met with universal acclaim, and was soon followed by Supergirl at CBS (though it later migrated to the CW) and Legends of Tomorrow, an original concept bringing together heroes and villains from both Flash and Arrow.  Unfortunately, much like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Legends didn’t get off to the best start… but it learned quickly, cutting dead weight from the cast at the end of Season 1 and embracing the wild, wacky Silver Age comic book tone that its darker siblings ignored and taking a deep dive into comic book mythos.

As soon as Season 2 premiered, it became clear that Legends was destined to be the best of the Arrowverse shows. Unlike Arrow, dedicated to rehashing the same angsty civil war-esque storylines year after year, or the Flash, which ironically refused to move forward by preserving the main characters and status quo year after year while also steadily shaving away anything not related to STAR Labs, or even Supergirl, an uneven show which frequently contradicted itself and became mired in romantic drama… Legends was unwilling to stay in one place.

Cycling through a wild and woolly cast of characters who quickly became like family to the viewers and characters alike, Legends allowed its heroes to grow, change, fail… and die. It also embraced the absurd nature of the show, becoming a swashbuckling ride through history without compromising its sense of drama.  Its season 3 finale was somehow ridiculous yet perfect at the same time, funny, but with real stakes and sacrifice.

Legends isn’t a perfect show, but it’s the closest thing the CW has and a joy to watch every week. I eagerly look forward to watching the show continue to reinvent itself and blaze a trail for the rest of superhero television.

2. A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

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Favorite Episode: The Austere Academy: Part Two (2×02)

This one is hard to explain.

I never read the Series of Unfortunate Events books when I was younger (my parents thought they would be too dark), but as soon as I watched the first episode of the Netflix adaptation, I was hooked. An absurdist, dark dramedy taking place in an anachronistic and gothic reality, ASoUE follows three orphans as they go through trauma after trauma, again and again, at the hands of a frightening and malevolent man who never once faces justice for his actions. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are immensely likable and their story is riveting, hilarious, and inspiring.

I’m fairly certain as a child I would’ve found the dark and endless nature of the Baudelaires’ misfortune depressing and tedious, but as a teenager, I find it cathartic. We live in a cynical and messy world, and so do Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. The show resists the temptation to give any sort of resolution and happy ending, forcing the protagonists to experience an unending struggle reminiscent of real life, but never once do the children falter.

ASoUE is pretty to look at, whimsical to experience, and darkly funny, but also honest. The Baudelaires forge forward through darkness with no end in sight, but they persist, not because they believe in a happy ending… but because they love each other and will never, ever give up on the slim chance of a better future.

1. Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (2016-2017)

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Favorite Episode: Nice Jacket (2×10)

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, loosely based on two novels by Douglas Adams, aired for two glorious seasons on BBC America before being tragically cut short. Any chance of a revival was killed when it turned out that its showrunner was one of those predatory Weinstein-types, a revelation that certainly casts a dark shadow on the show. But despite the inexcusable actions of Landis, Dirk Gently was populated by an insanely talented and passionate cast and crew who deserve to be recognized for this wonderful show.

Dirk Gently’s two seasons, though wildly different and mind-blowingly creative, follow the same basic format– a strange mystery is unveiled, the only clues being a series of random, bizarre, seemingly unrelated events… yet as the season progresses, and the protagonists stumble blindly for answers, the strangest thing happens– it turns out everything is connected. Every little clue matters, and it all wraps up neatly into an insanely fun solution that makes the season of confusion worthwhile.

A wonderful exploration of purpose and identity, family and outcasts, Dirk Gently deserves a third season (and a new showrunner) to let this insanely talented cast and crew continue to pump out the best show on TV.

25 Favorite TV Shows of All Time (#15-5)

Though books hold a special place in my heart, over the past few years I’ve come to realize that my absolute favorite storytelling medium has to be television. Because of this, I decided to share the 25 TV shows which hold special places in my heart, and why!

15. The Good Place (2016-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent (2×11)

I’m not 100% sure how well known the Good Place is… it seems to exist in a limbo of being extremely critically acclaimed but also rarely as talked about as its sibling series, Brooklyn 99 and Parks & Rec. The Good Place is an extremely ambitious sitcom taking place in the afterlife, and following a woman who doesn’t belong in heaven trapped there. Somehow both hilarious and thoughtful, the Good Place’s M.O. tends to be analyzing and explaining classical philosophy, but it also finds plenty of time to subtly and inoffensively criticize religion and our ideas of heaven and Hell.

The one negative TGP has going for it is that so much happens in such a short amount of time, it can be hard to remain attached to the characters. The protagonists in Season Two are so drastically different then they were in Season One that the viewer may experience a form of emotional whiplash… it took me until midway through the season to become attached to them once more. However, this kind of risky storytelling is what makes the show so special.

14. The Gifted (2017-Present)

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Favorite Episode: eXploited (1×10)

How is the best X-Men story on screen a television series without the actual X-Men or any recognizable mutants?

I don’t hate the X-Men movies (well, most of them anyway) but they’ve always been hindered by their obsession with the same three characters (Wolverine, Magneto, Mystique)… not to mention their ability to butcher villains such as Dark Phoenix, Juggernaut, the Hellfire Club, and Apocalypse, and decision to overemphasize the Scott/Logan/Jean love triangle… not to mention the complete bastardization of Mystique through the last few films.

Totally free from expectation or demanding stars, The Gifted succeeds in crafting an amazing, relevant exploration of family, identity, and politics. From the believably complicated Strucker family to the hardened veterans of the Mutant Underground, the show succeeds in painting a more whole and deeply complex conflict without good answers. The show also benefits from smaller seasons, cutting filler down to zero. My only complaint for the Gifted is that the ending of the second Season was somewhat predictable.

13. Jessica Jones (2015-Present)

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Favorite Episode: 1,000 Cuts (1×10)

I feel like a lot of people will be surprised by my rankings for the Netflix MCU shows… Jessica Jones‘ first season was extremely rather well, but its second season, along with Jessica’s appearance in Defenders, were unpopular enough to leave a sour taste in a lot of people’s mouths. I don’t get it. I loved Jessica Jones Season 1, loved Defenders (as you’ll see later) and actually really enjoyed JJ Season 2.

The first season of Jessica Jones was almost unbearably tense, disturbing, and had one of the strongest starts of a Netflix season. It deftly explored the trauma Jessica experienced at the hands of the unforgettable Kilgrave, the deep emotional impact this left on her and those around her, and, perhaps most importantly, her ability to do the right thing and discover a makeshift family despite everything. Season Two, however, took an incredible risk, turning almost everything about the first season on its head.

Season Two was a slow, perhaps uncomfortably so, experience, its mystery bordering on mundane on some occasions… it reached even deeper into Jessica’s dark past, and painted shocking revelations with a dull stroke that might’ve surprised viewers. Unlike the first season, where Jessica was guided and ultimately saved by her love for others, Season Two succeeded by steadily isolating her from those she loved, forcing her to come to terms with herself and find a way to be comfortable with Jessica the individual rather than Jessica the sister, friend, or boss. It was an exercise in drifting away from things you loved, and growing for it, and for me, it was just as emotional as the first season.

12. Legion (2017-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Chapter 14 (2×06)

Legion is a strange, artsy take on the superhero genre that- most of the time- works. Featuring extremely talented actors such as Dan Stevens and Aubrey Plaza, the prettiest cinematography on TV, and a willingness to take insane risks in their storytelling, Legion follows a mentally ill man named David coming to terms with his mutant powers. Featuring an eclectic cast of characters, a truly terrifying villain, and a story that never goes where you think, Legion is, like The Gifted, a far better X-Men story than any of the X-Men movies.

Legion isn’t rated as highly as it might’ve been because, well, its gutsy risks don’t always pay off, and when they don’t– it’s ugly. After a pitch perfect first season, Legion returned and vowed to go even crazier, which produced a frighteningly uneven year of stories. While 2×06 remains one of the best stories I’ve seen on television, the second half of the season became extremely rushed and near incomprehensible, killing off (brutally) their only dark-skinned lead, making more than one main character a rapist, and completely switching directions without rhyme or reason.

Nevertheless, when Legion hits, it hits hard… and even when the story is ugly, the visuals are so gorgeous one can’t help but remain engaged.

11. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)

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Favorite Episode: The Gift (5×22)

I feel like there’s not a lot I need to say about Buffy because, come on… it’s Buffy. The show is a cult classic for a reason. It certainly hasn’t aged perfectly (the show originated the controversial Bury Your Gays trope and Joss Whedon is not quite as feminist as he would have you believe) but it’s aged pretty well.

An unbelievably fun, character driven story, BtVS follows up on the lesser-known feature film in telling the story of Buffy Summers, a formerly vacuous popular girl named as the next vampire slayer. Moving to Sunnydale, a small town home to a hidden entrance to Hell, she finds herself recruiting an alliance of underdogs and misfits to help her do her duty… but then again, maybe not, as she begins to question the organization which has controlled the slayers for centuries and chooses to forge her own path.

A wonderfully satisfying coming of age tale with memorable silent, musical, and score-less episodes, Buffy is a much watch for anyone who loves TV.

10. The Defenders (2017)

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Favorite Episode: Royal Dragon (1×04)

I really don’t get the hate for the Defenders. God knows it wasn’t perfect, but neither was 2012’s The Avengers and literally everybody loves that film.

Defenders was tasked with taking leftover plot threads from the not-as-popular Season 2 of the well-received Daredevil, combining them with the dangling threads of the universally reviled Iron Fist, while bringing in four different characters from four drastically different shows in aesthetic and tone, all the while creating a cohesive narrative. In my opinion? It succeeded.

The producers made the controversial choice to keep the titular characters apart for the first two episodes, invoking a visually enticing slow burn as the four Defenders approach the same mystery from their own respective worlds, each defined by a color: red, blue, yellow, or green. While these first two stories are admittedly a bit sluggish, they make the story that much more satisfying and believable when the characters do finally unite; And once that happens, everything falls into place.

The cast- even the supporting characters hitching a ride with their respective heroes- gels wonderfully, giving us compelling character beats, relationships, and a genuinely moving finale.

Ignore the haters and watch Defenders. Maybe you won’t love it, but maybe you will, and I deserve a Season 2.

9. Doctor Who / Class (2005-Present) / (2016)

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Favorite Episode: The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar (9×01 & 9×02)

Unpopular opinion: popular culture has romanticized David Tennant’s tenure as the Tenth Doctor and slept on Peter Capaldi’s time as the Twelfth Doctor. There, I said it.

Doctor Who is an insanely popular show for many reasons, one being its longevity, but the other being its ability to reinvent itself every few seasons with a new cast and crew but the same character and story. This kind of forward movement is really special to me (although doctors could stand to reference each others’ adventures more). The time and space travel gimmick is enough to justify a slew of unique, fun, and moving stories, with an impressive range of moods and plots.

Unlike most, I feel like the show has only gotten better over time, retaining its sense of humour and wonder while also becoming a much deeper, more aesthetically pleasing show. I thoroughly enjoyed the controversial era of the Twelfth Doctor and all his companions (yes, especially Clara) and resent the fandom’s inability to accept change and stop comparing every doctor to Tennant and every companion to Piper, who were good but not-THAT-much-better in their roles.

Also mentioned here is the short-lived spinoff Class, which I loved and might’ve even surpassed the original show had it lasted more than 8 episodes. An impressive plot, diverse characters, and a cameo from the Doctor… what more can you ask for?

8. Angel (1999-2004)

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Favorite Episode: You’re Welcome (5×12)

Yes, I ranked Angel higher than Buffy. Sue me.

The thing is that while Buffy was undoubtedly a more reliable show for its seven year run, the five seasons of Angel had much higher highs and lower lows. My central problem with Buffy was that it quickly fell into a status quo- I’m not saying it wasn’t fun to watch, but you always knew watching it that Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles were safe and that they’d somehow be back the next season to guard the Sunnydale hellmouth. Even after graduating high school, the central cast remained near-unchanged, robbing the show of a lot of sense of forward momentum and stakes in my opinion. But in Angel? Nothing was sacred.

To start, Angel had the best character progression of the Whedon shows I’ve seen… compare the frivolous, selfish Cordelia from season 1 of Buffy to the brave, kind warrior who departed in Season 5, or the cowardly, clean cut Wesley of Buffy’s third season to the grizzled, broken man who fell in love with Fred. The characters grew, the premise grew… Angel Investigations grew from their small office to the haunting Hyperion Hotel and finally to the grim offices of Wolfram & Hart. Characters and plot elements came and went, leaving the show better for their being there.

But, like I said- high highs, low lows. Case in point: Season 4, the ugly season where Whedon punished actress Charisma Carpenter for her pregnancy by turning her character into a pedophilic villain. The less said about that the better.

7. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015-2019)

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Favorite Episode: Josh’s Ex-Girlfriend is Crazy (3×04)

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a peculiar television show in that it is both exactly what it sounds like and nothing like it sounds like. The title conjures the image of a kooky yet cliche comedy about a crazy girl pursuing the love of a hapless boy. It is exactly that and nothing like that. Meet Rebecca Bunch- a fiercely intelligent yet depressed lawyer who gives up the job of a lifetime to fly across the world and attempt to win back a dude she dated for a summer when she was maybe sixteen.

The first clue that CXGF isn’t your typical romantic comedy is the theme song: or, more accurately, the theme songs. (Every season has a different, hilariously meta, one). Immediately, in the Season 1 theme, Rebecca points out that crazy ex-girlfriend is “a sexist term” and “the situation is a lot more nuanced then that”… in Season 2, she happily assures the viewer that “she has no underlying issues to address”. But she does. Because while Crazy Ex-Girlfriend tackles sexism, gender roles, coming out, love, and friendship, it is first and foremost the best show on television about mental illness.

Moving at breakneck speed from Season 1’s denial to the artfully done breakdown in Season 3 that forces Rebecca to acknowledge her issues and begin the road to help, CXGF is methodical but thorough in getting the viewer to root for Rebecca without excusing her for her actions. It provides one of the best supporting casts on TV (right up there with iZombie) and provides at least two hilarious original musical numbers every week.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is simply impossible to describe, but it is so important and so much fun to watch.

6. iZombie (2015-2019)

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Favorite Episode: Salivation Army (2×19)

I never expected to watch iZombie, primarily because I hate horror and I hate zombies. Surprise, surprise… on a school trip to Orlando, Florida, I gave it a try via Hulu and discovered it to be one of the most unique, creative, emotional, funny shows on television.

I don’t know how many of you’ve seen Buffy, but there’s an episode where one of the protagonists gets possessed and eats their principal and there is absolutely zero emotional fallout. This always struck me as weird– I’d be pretty disturbed knowing I’d consumed the flesh of an administrator. Horror tropes rarely leave room to explore the emotional fallout of being a monster (besides Frankenstein riffs) but iZombie turns all of that on its head by giving us the story of a Type A, RHHS-esque perfectionist doctor who dies and loses everything.

Liv Moore was going to be a big shot doctor before she “died”, and now she finds herself working as an assistant at the police morgue so she can consume brains on a weekly basis to prevent decaying and going “Full-Romero”. However, when she eats a brain she gains bits of their personality and flashes of memory, and soon finds herself working with a detective to solve the murders of the victims she’s eaten all the while constantly trying to prevent a zombie apocalypse. The story is constantly engaging, giving us genuinely brain-teasing crimes episode to episode while weaving well-paced, tight conspiracies to run in the background of every episode.

The viewer is treated to astonishingly fully-fleshed characters, many likable, some you love-to-hate, and get the privilege of following Liv as many of the brains teach her to live a much fuller life than she did when she was alive. Truly a unique and fun series, I will be disappointed when the final season concludes this year.

Opinion: My (Complicated) Skirmish with River Hill High School

In September 2016, I penned an open letter to the River Hill administration criticizing the cancellation of HawkFest. Now that I have graduated, I feel reasonably comfortable sharing the entirety of the events that occurred, and how myself and my sisters were affected by my decision to take the stand I did. Needless to say, the following essay represents my views and my views only.

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A copy of this essay circulated a week or so before it was officially published, earning me a 1,642 word response from a student who opposed my viewpoint. The essay was subsequently edited to include the information which this student provided.

In September of 2016, the president of my school’s overarching Student Government Association, the Executive Board, a girl named Anna Selbrede who also happened to be my sister, was pulled aside by the group’s faculty advisor. Calmly, it was explained to her that she had failed in her duties. A controversy had arisen overnight, centered around the decision of the school to cancel HawkFest. This debacle, according to the River Hill administration, was Anna’s fault, because it was her brother who’d kickstarted this controversy.

Many years will pass, and I am certain I will still feel the same righteous indignation at the memory of the subtle threat toward my sister, pulled aside for my words. She was told “if your own brother cannot understand what you’re doing, you are failing in your duties”.

Apparently, in the eyes of the River Hill Administration, the student government existed to communicate their whims. Go figure.

So, what was HawkFest? What happened to it? And why should you care?

What was HawkFest?

For those unacquainted with River Hill High School and its traditions, HawkFest was a small festival of sorts held every year around homecoming as a spirit event and a way to raise funds for clubs. It had evolved from an annual parade which, similar to many non-academic events at River Hill, eventually faded from the school. Organized by the River Hill Executive Board, it wasn’t the biggest school event, but it drew a sizable number of Clarksville denizens and served to bring the community together.

When the decision was announced by the school’s new administration to cancel HawkFest, River Hill would claim the decision was the students’, even occasionally implying it was the choice of the Executive Board. This was not the case. In reality, the faculty advisor had approached the Executive Board during one of their morning meetings and told them the event had been cancelled, and it was a done deal.

What Happened to HawkFest?

Further investigation would later reveal that a group of students had voted on the subject– the Leadership class, a group of kids who, while intelligent and honorable, had not been elected to represent the school or their peers (though there is a sizable overlap between SGA and the class). According to the student who contacted me with corrections, the decision was made after a cost/benefit analysis indicated that the event had turned into an event where organizations simply “begged people for money”.  

Now, I’d never been a fan of HawkFest, but it irked me that it had been cancelled without what I saw as due process. Worse, it stung that the administration was using my sister’s organization as their scapegoat. So I penned an open letter, emailed it to the administration, and posted it on Facebook.

Why Did I Care?

The roots of my argument were as follows: Kids at River Hill are under an increasing amount of pressure as it gradually shaves off recreational organizations and events in favor of further standardization. Clubs are cool and help kids relax. Please, stop cutting the few chances the students have to be more than a name on an attendance sheet.

Besides, so what if the event had become primarily a fundraiser? River Hill is a stressful, test-oriented high school, and the clubs and organizations within the school deserve the chance to raise money for their operations. Considering that the school system is currently laboring under an extremely large health care deficit due to the corrupt actions of former superintendent Renee Foose, and teachers within River Hill can barely afford school supplies, it is absolutely valid for organizations to desire funds.

The student who contacted me was adamant that clubs didn’t make very much money off of HawkFest, but this cannot really be proven or disproven since I’ve heard the opposite from several students and teachers. Let’s not forget, for high schoolers, every penny counts. According to a friend of mine, their club could only afford one, maybe two events per year because they weren’t as well known or funded as academic clubs such as FBLA. It is also worth noting that the event allowed many clubs to advertise and recruit new members.

The student also expressed the opinion (shared by the administration) that HawkFest did not bring the community together. This is another matter of opinion that cannot be proven or disproven- I would argue that the overwhelmingly positive response to my letter demonstrated that it mattered to many people in the community.

But remember– the letter wasn’t even about HawkFest, really. The elimination of HawkFest was a symptom of a larger trend in the River Hill community, that of the unhealthy focus on test scores and numbers over learning and growth, the same focus that drove many of my peers to academic dishonesty.

My mother and sisters served on the School Improvement Team, an organization of administrators, parents, and students which slowly shifted focus from improving the school’s environment to improving AP scores. HawkFest was not an isolated incident.

How Did the Community React?

Almost immediately after sending this letter, I received a respectful but curt response from the River Hill administration, telling me that essentially my concerns were noted but disregarded. They informed me that they were always open to hearing the opinions of the students, and that I could drop by any time to talk about this with them… their office was always open. My family did stop by the office, but receives little more than empty platitudes and none of the information that the student who recently contacted me would later provide.

It was, frankly, a miracle that we even got an appointment. I cannot speak for the school, but I can assure the reader that in my three years with this administration, I never once heard of a student who was allowed past the secretaries to speak with our principal. In fact, a friend of mine tried desperately to graduate early that year as he was moving (yet again) and did not wish to attend a fourth high school. The administration never got back to him, despite him stopping by multiple times for aid.

(The student who contacted me related an extremely positive experience with the administration, saying that she and her friends had no problem reaching the principal.  While this is the first I’ve ever heard of somebody having such a positive experience, that in no way means that there aren’t many more with whom the admin interfaced with easily. I leave it to the reader to consider this disconnect).

The admin’s response might’ve been the end of it, but the letter was shared across Facebook and for a short span of time, went viral.

The next few days were surreal: people across the county read and discussed my letter, some even approaching me in the hallways to express their agreement and indignation. Predictably, not everyone sympathized with my letter. After hearing some students speak out in support of me, my theatre teacher halted rehearsal to give the cast a lecture on how losing HawkFest was not something to bemoan because she didn’t sell many tickets there anyway, apparently. I received one or two nasty looks from one of the vice principals, and this was when my sister was pulled aside by the Faculty Advisor.

What Went Wrong?

I could write a whole essay criticizing the way the Executive Board was handled when my sister was President, and how exhausting and demoralizing it was for her, but that is not the point of this essay. And, again, neither is HawkFest. This passage was written as a critique of the shifting culture at River Hill, and how the administrators’ reacted to my respectful criticisms.

By the time Homecoming rolled around, Clarksville had kicked up enough of a fuss that the administration hastily installed several features of HawkFest into the Homecoming Game itself, and proceeded to claim it had been their plan from the start.

Yet, even if this was always the plan, the fault still lies with the administration for never accurately conveying their own wishes and desires, instead pushing them off onto my sister and scapegoating her instead of taking the time to communicate this course of action which, according to the student who contacted me, had always been the anticipated course of action.

In Conclusion…

I remain appalled by their refusal to respond to the situation honestly or respectfully, and angered by the intimidation tactics attempted against me and my sister.

As a graduated student with little to no involvement in the politics of this my Senior year, I in no way claim that the attitudes I am criticizing remain at the school.

At River Hill, I was fortunate to have so many kind, intelligent, wildly passionate teachers and faculty. I hope that the administration that oversees them is able to mature in their estimation of students and teachers alike, and address the community directly without half-truths or blame games.

I wrote a letter to criticize the destructive focus on test scores at River Hill, and my sister was penalized for it despite not having been included in any decisions related to HawkFest. The administration failed to acknowledge the roots of my argument, focusing on HawkFest on a surface level and not even communicating their plans for it adequately to the community at large.

Evidently, others have had far more positive experiences with these organizations. It is my opinion that this does not invalidate the negative experiences many others have endured, such as the first day of sophomore year when almost every single upperclassman female was dress coded without so much as a warning of a change in policy; or the way my sister was cut entirely out of the decision making process for so much of SGA. My conversation with the student who contacted me illuminated, if nothing else, the sheer disconnect in the way the administration treated different students and accurately communicated their thoughts to them.

I made the choice to “dredge up” this particular mess, not because I enjoy wallowing in past misfortune, but because I believe it serves as an example of a disservice wrought upon the student body by a test-oriented administration. My experience is not universal, but it is still worth considering if we hope to build a River Hill where it is truly a great day to be a Hawk.

25 Favorite Shows of All-Time (#25-16)

Though books hold a special place in my heart, over the past few years I’ve come to realize that my absolute favorite storytelling medium has to be television. Because of this, I decided to share the 25 TV shows which hold special places in my heart, and why!

25. Degrassi: Season 12 (2012-2013)

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Favorite Episode: Rusty Cage (12×13 & 12×14)

Degrassi is a weird situation as it is one of two instances on this list where I didn’t watch the whole series, only a season. It is also unique in that I never even watched the whole season or a full episode of the season. My exposure to Degrassi, a soapy high school canadian drama, is extremely limited in that it comes in the form of the 2 hours a single character was on screen.

I have zero memory as to how I found out about either the show or the character, but Season 12’s Campbell Saunders is probably the character I’ve seen the most of myself in onscreen. Yeah, I would’ve preferred not to have seen myself mirrored in an overdramatic kids soap, but we take what we can get.

Campbell was an insecure, depressed kid struggling to connect with others despite an overwhelming sense of loneliness. There are definitely drastic differences between the two of us (most notably the fact that he doesn’t suck at hockey) but the core of his character resonated with me so deeply. The sense of hopelessness that bears down on him over the course of his season, the way he feels pulled in so many different directions, the way he never seems to click with his hockey team the way they click with each other. It was surreal to watch.

Unfortunately (*SPOILERS*) Campbell’s narrative was not intended to reflect the journey of a depressed teenager. It was intended to teach the viewers how to cope with a friend’s suicide. Needless to say that this show did not impact me well emotionally, but it did impact me deeply, and it certainly handled the issue far better than the sensationalist, amoral 13 Reasons Why.

24. Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23 (2012-2013)

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Favorite Episode: Daddy’s Girl (1×02)

The inverse of the preceding entry, a show I barely watched, technically didn’t enjoy, and have complex feelings about, Apartment 23 is the case of a show I watched the entirety of and just enjoyed. It followed the hilarious, Odd Couple-esque pairing of the straightlaced June, who rents an apartment with Chloe, an amoral, unstable con artist who somehow ends up becoming her best friend.

Chloe did crazy, wrong things, and seemed to lack a basic grasp of human decency (such as when she set June up with a nice man only to reveal it was her own father and proceeding to justify it by saying her mother was never there for her only for it to be revealed her mother was never there for her because she was IN A WHEELCHAIR) but at the same time, she was likable, cared about her friends, and ended up doing the right thing in peculiarly sympathetic ways.

23. Parks & Recreation (2009-2015)

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Favorite Episode: Gryzzlbox (7×05)

I really don’t need to explain why I like Parks & Rec because, come on, everyone likes Parks & Rec, and for good reason. A bizarrely uplifting show about government bureaucracy and trees, P&R boasts a well-rounded look at politics, three dimensional characters who are also hilarious, and plotlines that juggle forward momentum and storytelling with side splitting humour.

It’s admittedly been a while since I saw P&R so it has kind of blended together, but Season 7 will always hold a special place in my heart, with its ominous integration of a vaguely dystopian future and the presence of triplets.

22. The 100 (2014-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Praimfaya (4×13)

The 100 is undoubtedly one of the most complex television dramas I’ve ever seen, and boasts one of the best fleshed out worlds. Its grim view of humanity and willingness to allow its protagonists to go to horrific lengths to save themselves (how many Teen Dramas can boast that their lead has committed genocide?) really sets it apart from other shows in the drama. The 100 is a stylish show of risks, ethical quandaries, and makeshift families, but time and time again it has failed to hold itself together.

The 100’s first season was above-average but still basically average dystopian teen fare, which was why it was so surprising when S2 turned so many tables, bringing in the aforementioned genocide, a more morally grey view on the savage “Grounders”, and, most shockingly, an LGBT relationship between lead Clarke Griffin and Grounder Commander Lexa.  As Season 3 began, poised to introduce a frightening new enemy in the form of the A.I. ALIE, however, the narrative fell apart.

Season 3 rushed through at breakneck speed, making countless questionable plot choices as “main” characters acted out of character and vanished for episodes at a time without reacting to, say, killing their own mother. The fascinating question of whether or not life was worth the pain was undercut by these narrative holes, undercutting what could’ve been an amazing season and rendering it below-average. Season 4, in many ways, recovered from its predecessor, delivering my personal favorite season, but continued to allow many dangling plot threads and refused to develop many characters past their S2 status quo.

Now, I haven’t seen all of Season 5 yet but so far it seems to be a mixed bag to me, rehashing many of the previous plot points from S1-3 without any sense of forward momentum, but I can’t really speak on that until I see the season as a whole.

21. Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (2013-2014)

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Favorite Episode: Dirty Little Secrets (1×10)

Yes, I did watch Once Upon a Time, and no, it did not make this list due to its toxic relationships, stagnant fandom, and decision to cancel the show the moment they produced a quality season. That’s all I’m saying about OUaT. We’re here to talk about OUaT… in Wonderland.

In case you forgot, ABC aired a lovely spinoff for 1 season on Thursday nights before it was unfairly cancelled. Far more committed to the fantasy genre than its parent series, OUaTiW delivered an intensely intriguing “Core Four” of characters– Alice, a swashbuckling heroine defined by her determination to escape the trappings of her old life, Will, a hilarious and multifaceted former Merry Man and Knave of Hearts reluctantly pulled along for the ride, Anastasia, the fascinating and secretive Red Queen, and Cyrus, the admittedly less developed dude-in-distress Alice spent half the season chasing.

OUaTiW truly stands out to me for its ability to do wonders in a CGI world with a TV budget, its commitment to characters over cheap plot gimmicks (something OUaT could learn from) and genuinely scary takes on the genie and the jabberwocky. OUaTiW is seriously underrated, and you should check it out if you have the chance.

20. Scream Queens (2015-2017)

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Favorite Episode: Drain the Swamp (2×10)

It’s hard to explain why I liked Scream Queens so much, seeing as I detest both horror and cheap comedy, but somehow Ryan Murphy pulled it off. For two seasons, Murphy and company centered an eclectic ensemble cast around the vacuous, selfish “Chanels”, introducing a set of serial killers, and proceeded to kill everyone off in the most hilarious of ways as various characters try and fail to understand what’s going on.

Utilizing convoluted, outlandish murder plots, larger-than-life characters based off real people and phenomena, Murphy kept the viewers guessing while also laughing at himself. My favorite scene from the entire series is when the three “Green Meanie” killers in Season Two trip over each other trying to murder the three Chanels, resulting in an amusingly slapstick scene poking fun at the series’ decision to use multiple killers who just so happen to work together flawlessly any other time.

Despite everything, Scream Queens succeeds at making you root for the unlikable, laugh at the horrific, and keep watching even though the show, objectively, is about as deep as a toddlers’ wading pool.

19. Sense8 (2016-2018)

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Favorite Episode: Happy F*cking New Year (2×01)

An ambitious, sprawling story following eight strangers across the world, Sense8 tested me at times with its hard TV-MA storytelling and mature content, but it was worth the pain. Dedicated to simultaneously diversifying the viewer’s idea of humanity and conveying the idea that we are all connected, Sense8 proved itself unique, fun, and resourceful time and time again, managing to eke out a final episode after it was cancelled by provider Netflix.

Despite its dark, gritty storytelling, Sense8 was ultimately an optimistic project, one that was willing to be corny at times just to convey a sense of joy and fun. There isn’t much to say about Sense8, because, despite the complexities of the project, it was a simple show. One about family, humanity, and the connection we all share inside of us.

18. Daredevil (2015-Present)

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Favorite Episode: Nelson v. Murdock (1×10)

It’s been a while since an episode of Daredevil has aired, so some of my thoughts are a bit “Foggy” (hahaha okay) but here we go: I love Daredevil in the comics, and this show adapts them so well. The first season was pitch perfect superhero storytelling, producing a compelling and multifaceted antagonist, revealed gradually over time, a great Year One-esque origin rollout, and one of the best supporting casts on air. Matt and Foggy’s brotherhood is moving and hilarious, while Karen is reinvented from a whiny damsel in the comics to a fascinating part of the cast.

This show gets dragged down somewhat by its significantly weaker second season which, though home to strong new characters such as Elektra and Frank Castle, failed to weak together an above average storyline or move said characters in very satisfying directions. Nevertheless, Daredevil is one of the best shows out there, and despite what everyone else says, I think his horned costume rocks.

17. EastSiders (2012-Present)

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Favorite Episode: East of Eden (3×06)

EastSiders is a strange entry on this list in that it wasn’t a show that I particularly enjoyed, and didn’t exactly provide the most compelling plot, but that was what made it shine. EastSiders presents the story of Cal and Thom, two almost-married boyfriends who are mired in a haze of exhaustion and emptiness. Feeling directionless, they become immersed in a series of scandals and affairs which honestly make the show sound a lot cheaper and trashier than it is. EastSiders isn’t a pretty show. But there is something cathartic about it.

I guess what works about EastSiders is that, as much as I enjoy storytelling, this show embraces the fact that in life there are rarely stories to tell. Often, we wander through without a true narrative arc, we make choices that don’t make sense, and we’re surrounded by people who aren’t truly good or bad. EastSiders offers few morals, and even less sense, but it offers characters, who feel real pain, and have real struggles, even if the way they handle it is miles from how I would.

16. Skam (2015-2017)

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Favorite Episode: Det går over (3×09)

Skam is up there with Degrassi as a show I didn’t watch the entirety of, though I did watch a whole season (Season 3) and parts of Season 4 when I could. It remains the only foreign language show I’ve seen, and I’m currently following the American remake of it. Skam is up there with EastSiders as a show that deals in highly complex, realistic characters. Each season of Skam takes place at the same high school, but stars a different character, and the season I (along with most of Tumblr) watched starred Isak, the series’ only male lead.

Season 3 of Skam follows Isak as he struggles with the fact that, unlike the rest of his friends, he likes guys. A powerful exploration of sexuality, friendship, mental illness, and toxic masculinity, the show gives us a crystal clear picture of what it’s like to be a young, gay kid trying to become comfortable with who you are. There’s a lot more to it, and one could criticize the show for being a bit too optimistic in the end, but really… gay people can use some optimism once in a while. Season 3 puts the viewer through a gamut of emotions, all of them powerful, and it is worth a watch even if foreign language shows aren’t usually your thing.

Check back in seven days for #15-6!

ACC in 2019: Weekly Breakdown

As promised, here is the anticipated weekly breakdown for ACC in 2019.

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Mondays

Smaller scale content on this blog, such as poetry and updates, coming weekly starting August 20, 2018. Initial content will include a Top 25 List of my favorite Television shows, and more poetry.

Tuesdays

Day of rest! Look for brand new novels or novellas to be released on this day once or twice a year.

Wednesdays

I have a highly secretive project geared for this date that may or may not materialize. In the meantime, another Day of Rest.

Thursdays

Larger scale content on this blog, such as short stories, memoirs, and opinion pieces, coming every other week starting in a week or so.

Fridays

New episodes of two, coming November 9th, 2018! Though subject to change, I anticipate things looking something like this:

November 9, 2018- “Chapters I & II: New World”
November 16, 2018- “Chapter III: The Sandmen”
November 23, 2018- “Chapter IV: Engines of Destruction”
November 30, 2018- “Chapter V: Ties That Bind”
December 7, 2018- “Chapter VI: Trading Up”
December 14, 2018- Hiatus
December 21, 2018- Hiatus
December 28, 2018- “Chapter VII: Out of the Woods”
January 4, 2019- “Chapters VIII & IX: The End of the Universe”
January 11, 2019- “Chapter X: Blood & Water”

Saturdays

Day of rest! Look for brand new novels or novellas to be released on this day once or twice a year.

Sundays

Brand new content on ACC Cinematic, every other week! No news yet on when this will launch, but I’m playing with some ideas and will get a date to you guys ASAP. two promos will probably take over the channel for now.

ACC in 2019

For the past two years I’ve organized upcoming projects into initiatives– first ACC 2017 and then ACC 2018. That is not the case this year. Read on to learn why and what you can expect during the 2018-19 creative cycle.

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ACC 2017 & 2018 – In Memory

Before I explain where I’m going in 2019, I want to take a quick moment to discuss why I’ve done things the way I have for the past two years.

Basically, ACC 2017 started as a combination publicity stunt/way of organizing myself. It was just as much to garner attention for my things as it was a way for me to make a promise to myself to try to… well… try things. And in the end, it worked. Without ACC 2017 and ACC 2018, I don’t know if I would have dipped my toes into blogging, webcomics, or, perhaps most exhaustingly, producing/writing/acting in a webseries. Which is hard, by the way.

But with all of this, Senior Year, and hockey, I fell behind on some other things which are important to me, most importantly the third and final book in The Valley Chronicles. The fact is, the initiatives gave me the opportunity to push myself creatively. I don’t need that anymore.

In about a month, I will be leaving for college. At Bates, I will be pushing myself and trying new things almost every day, and I need the bandwidth for that. So it makes sense to me that I should take the next year to focus on tying up loose threads from the last few years instead of starting something new.

That doesn’t mean new things won’t show up– I definitely have some cool ideas– but the fact is that I have a ton of backlog from last year, and it would be stupid not to focus on catching up. So, yeah. That’s where that is.

ACC in 2019 – What’s Coming
Coming 2018

November 9- two premieres! Over a year of work culminates in a 10-episode season of our comedy sci-fi thriller, and the first entry into ACC’s mature label, INKblot Press. Each episode is about 30-60 minutes, so it’s been a hefty undertaking that I’m excited to show everybody. Expect to see more coverage on this soon and please follow us on Instagram at @twowebseries !
December- The Valley Chronicles: Tempest Act One’s eBook will hopefully premiere around then. In case you need a recap, #TVCBook3 is looking pretty long, so the first half will be premiering as an eBook in 2018, with the conclusion and the entire story in a physical book coming in 2019 with any luck.

Coming 2019

January- Ideally, Makeshift will come earlier, but I’m being pessimistic and expecting that my oddly popular novella will premiere then. It’s a pretty book, coming with a pretty cover from Gaby Stratmann, and while it is short it’s been known to pack a punch, so be warned. Makeshift also falls under INKblot Press, so consider that before offering it to your kids.
April- Let’s keep our fingers crossed that the completed The Valley Chronicles: Tempest will drop around now, bringing my first book series to a close and launching something a lot bigger.

Undated Projects

This blog will be taking an indefinite hiatus before relaunching with consistent content, as I’ve reached the end of my queue.
Hardcover editions of all three Valley Chronicles book, with astonishing cover art by Jenette Harris, will be dropping sometime in this period.
I expect to start posting at least once a month on my channel during 2019.
The Outsiders Club, a Valley Chronicles spinoff, and some other novels are in development. They might arrive more in the range of “ACC 2020”.

Notes

Yeah, so, as it stands right now, Squirrel Academy won’t be returning for the upcoming year due to the lack of scanners and such in my dorm. I’m experimenting with digital art though, so never say never.
The “Deluxe Editions” for my books are cancelled because I woke up one day and realized nobody cared nor should they. The Library Editions/Hardcovers are still coming, as noted above.
More INKblot stuff is in development, but could manifest as anything from novellas to novels to podcasts.

Conclusion

I’ll be dropping a shiny new schedule, with some more details on my weekly stuff and the status of the serial stories and stuff. Thanks to anyone who read this and is taking the time to check out my stuff. I appreciate it.

-Craig

Preview: The Outsiders Club

Coming 2019…

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I think there’s a mistake a lot of people make when thinking about small towns, one we have TV to blame for. People think that they’re… I don’t know… ‘mini-cities’ or something; that you’ll find the same things you’d find in New York City or Philadelphia just smaller and a little off brand. They think small towns are overflowing with drama and tension from long-standing rivalries and close-knit gossip machines. And, I don’t know, maybe there are towns out there like that. In fact, there probably are. But for me at least, Golden Springs always just felt empty.

Here’s the thing—we had a Wal-Mart, and a McDonald’s, and all those other staples of the American Dream, they were just ridiculously far apart. By extension, walking anywhere was out of the question unless you lived downtown; and it wasn’t like there was anything super exciting there anyway. After seven years in Golden Springs I’d long since worn out any appeal in the tired old antique shops and specialized boutiques once held. We had some interesting small businesses, but they weren’t that interesting, which meant that my friends and I spent a lot of time just hanging out at each others’ houses.

I guess you could say that the most interesting part of Golden Springs was its name. I mean, come on, ‘Golden Springs’? It sounded fake, and corny, and overall just dumb, but nevertheless that had been the title of this area since it was founded way back when. Some guy had been specifically told by his parents not to immigrate to America and go hunting for gold, and he had responded by proceeding to ship himself over here and found this town. He came up with the name himself to reference that.

Somebody hadn’t had a good relationship with their parents, I guess. In some ways, I wished I could relate. Sure, we’d had spats here and there, but up until the end my parents and I had been as close as could be. I always knew that they loved me, and valued me, and wanted the best for me but also for me to find whatever that was myself.

I missed them a lot.

But this isn’t a story I tell for sympathy or for attention. Yeah, my parents died. The circumstances were weird and you’ll probably learn more soon enough. But that’s not the important thing. My life wasn’t changed by how my parents died.

It was changed by how they lived.

 

I wouldn’t consider myself an exceedingly social person. It’s not that I dislike other people, per se, but I’ve always had problems connecting with them. I think too hard about what to say sometimes, sometimes awkward things come out of my mouth without me intending it. Being a nerd isn’t as cut and dry as it used to be… popular kids like the Marvel movies same as everybody else, and sporty kids can still annoy the heck out of everybody else. So I felt sort of nerdy, but it was a hard thing to define. In any case, I didn’t have many friends.

The exception to this was Ashley Khan.

I met Ashley the very first month I moved into Golden Springs. I was ten, maybe eleven, and had just finishing unpacking my things with Aunt Emma. I was still in a fairly angsty phase, you know… my family had just died. Aunt Emma’s neighbors had thrown a welcome party for me, streamers and cake, strangers surrounding me telling me how excited they were to see me and it was too much. I’d run out of the house in tears in a typical preteen fashion.

Aunt Emma’s house was a townhome in a fairly well-to-do neighborhood just off of Thomas Aquinas Lane, a quiet street with some old school small businesses sitting across from an old playground. Though the playground was not connected to the vast, dense woods which surrounded much of the town it felt just as ethereal and isolated. I think that’s why I picked it to escape from the partiers. Quiet seclusion was all I really wanted.

Yet as I pushed through the trees and towards the old wooden structures, mostly too small for me at my age, I sighted another girl, idly humming as she swung back and forth on the swings. It was a song I knew- one I’d heard on the radio a few times- which relaxed me, oddly. The girl was my age, darker, with beautiful black hair streaked with red. She wore simple jeans and a sweatshirt but she wore them with an air of confidence. I stopped in my tracks, suddenly hyper aware of my tear-smeared face and childish, messy clothing.

“Hello,” she smiled at me.

“Uh… hi,” I smiled back weakly, crossing my arms unconsciously.

“You’re Marina, right?” Ashley guessed, the tips of her feet brushing the grassy soil as she swung.

“Yeah…” I nodded, blinking. “Do I know you?”

“Not really,” Ashley shrugged. “My parents tried to make me go to your welcome party. Said we had a lot in common.”

“But… you didn’t?” I pointed out, not sure whether to be offended or not by that.

“Sorry about that,” Ashley pursed her lips together. “I just thought… after all you’ve been through… the last thing you need is people around you celebrating your new life as if it cost nothing.”

I took a shallow breath. This girl seemed to know exactly what I’d been thinking when I’d left the party, exactly what I’d felt. It was a little creepy.

“Are you psychic?” I blurted out, my face going red as I realized what had just escaped my lips.

“Ha, no,” Ashley shook her head, giggling a bit. “No, I just… have some experience with losing family. Not that it’s something you get used to.” Her face darkened, and her words seemed to take on a new weight. “People think that when you start a new phase of life… when things change… the things before just sort of are in the past. But the past doesn’t exist and you can’t move on because you’ll always miss the old things. That’s how I feel at least.”

“That’s heavy,” I observed.

The strange girl shrugged. “It is what it is.”

For a moment we lapsed into an awkward silence. My gaze flickered towards the stars shimmering in the night sky, while Ashley kicked absently at the dusty earth beneath the swings. “Do you want to swing?” she asked suddenly.

“Uh…. sure,” I nodded, moving awkwardly to take a seat on the swing next to hers.

“I’m Ashley, by the way,” she smiled at me, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “Ashley Khan.”

“Marina,” I repeated, though I knew she knew my name. “Okendale.”

“Okendale,” Ashley wrinkled up her nose. “Wasn’t that a family in an old TV show?”

“Yeah,” I admitted with a laugh. “I’ve heard all the jokes.”

“Jokes? Why?” Ashley raised an eyebrow. “That’s a sick name. Marina Okendale.”

“It’s not that cool,” I looked away, embarrassed.

“No, seriously,” Ashley persisted, grinning. “My name is super generic. Do you know how many Ashley’s I know?”

“Uh… two or three?” I tried, belatedly realizing the question was rhetorical.

“Five,” Ashley took this awkward guess in stride. “Acreflow, Smith, Jeng, Matthews, and me. And that’s just at my school.”

“Seriously?” I laughed.

“Seriously,” Ashley smiled. “But I’ve never once been friends with a Marina.”

“Well…” I blushed, swinging back and forth idly. “I’ve never been friends with an Ashley.”

“I guess it’s my sacred duty to change that, then,” Ashley snickered, and so it was that Ashley became my best friend.

We couldn’t be more different- while I was shy and studious, Ashley was athletic and rebellious. She enjoyed going to parties and playing floor hockey with her friends, while I enjoyed rainy alone days and a good, long book. But somehow it worked. We told each other secrets, came  up with codes and games, and went over to each other’s houses whenever possible. When I turned 12 Ashley bought me a ridiculously corny friendship bracelet, and I returned the favor the moment hers arrived. We just… got each other, in a way others didn’t.

Throughout the years, as we finished up at Aquinas Elementary and moved on to Thunder Hill Middle School, our bond remained strong, even as we drifted into separate groups. I hung with the nerdy outcasts, and she hung with the popular athletes, but we still found each other in the hallways, sharing secretive smiles and plans to hang out which dumbfounded our friends.

A few weeks before everything changed somebody asked me: “How can you be friends with somebody so different from you? Isn’t it hard to find stuff to do?”

I’d just smiled. Because the truth was, the differences between Ashley and I only ran skin deep. We shared troubled pasts, broken families, and most importantly, an intense love for board games of any sort.

So this was our ritual: Meeting together every Friday evening, after Ashley had had a chance to go home and shower after practice, and we walked together to the Chuckling Willow Tavern on Thomas Aquinas Lane. It was a relatively small pub and grill, never quite empty but never quite packed, home to the world’s best burgers and calamari. It was odd- I mean, we were nowhere near the sea- but everybody in our town agreed: the Chuckling Willow made some good seafood. The owner, Dr. MacBride, had been a researcher at Princeton before moving here. She was a good friend of Aunt Emma’s, and so she tolerated Ashley and my presence in her institution on a regular basis. We came here almost every week to share stories, play board games, and generally just relax.

Because that was Ashley and my thing- board games. It was a nerdy, silly thing, but it was our thing. We tried every game we could find, strategy, family, kids, or otherwise. Simple or complex. I mean, we were limited to two person games, but it was still fun. We weren’t even that good at them, and half the time we didn’t even try to win. It was just a thing to do to connect.

The night I broke my world… the night everything changed… Ashley and I were hanging out in a booth in the corner of the restaurant, scanning the complex instructions of a game we had just picked up. Our favorite table, situated by the large windows at the front of the restaurant, had been taken by a young couple, so we’d moved over to our second choice. Table 8, a quiet little nook tucked behind some decorative pillars, giving it a refreshingly isolated feeling.

“So, Anne and Meg would not shut up at practice today,” Ashley told me, popping a fry into her mouth with a mixture of annoyance and amusement. “They kept going on and on about Jackie’s last story like it was the biggest thing since Watergate. God, they’re such gossips. I don’t know why anybody trusts them with anything.”

“You trust them enough to play with them,” I shrugged, relaxing back into the plush booth seat. “I mean, I assume so at least. You’ve been doing well.”

“I trust them to catch a ball,” Ashley snickered, finding my comment hilarious. “But holding onto a piece of gossip for more than six seconds? No way.” She pushed over the remainder of our fries towards me, raising an eyebrow. “Want any more?”

“Nope,” I shook my head. “All good here; I had a ton of calamari. Besides, you’re the athlete.”

“Hey, you’re the one expending megawatts of brainpower figuring out this ridiculous game,” Ashley pointed out, though she took back the fries anyway and resume shoveling them into her mouth. “How many dice are we supposed to have again?”

“According to this guide I looked up online,” I bit my lip, sighing. “Only three, but the game was missing some parts. We’ll need five or six.”

“That’s what we get for going preowned,” Ashley rolled her eyes.

“We’re not made of money,” I laughed.

“Hey, I know, but some of these old things are just weird,” my friend tentatively poked at the dilapidated, fading cardboard box we had brought with us to our meal. “Like that antique Monopoly we found. I’m 99% sure that was blood on the box.”

I rolled my eyes. “Or, like, a smoothie or something.”

“Maybe,” Ashley was unconvinced. “But we have no way of knowing. It had a whole history just lost to time, just gone. A history none of us will ever know.”

“That’s true of most things, though,” I tilted my head, thinking through my next statement carefully. “I mean, you can never know everything about everyone. Everything has a story.”

“Ugh, you got philosophical again,” Ashley wrinkled up her nose. “You’re basically an English teacher.”

“You started it,” I crossed my arms.

“Yeah, but I was talking about a musty piece of cardboard,” she pointed out. “Not life in general.”

“I drew a connection,” I shrugged.

“Sometimes an object is just an object,” Ashley laughed. “Not everything has a hidden layer.”

“Having fun, girls?” Ashley and I started as we became aware of Dr. MacBride standing over our booth, arms crossed. Her graying hair was tied up into its usual tight bun, matching the remainder of her stiff, clinical, attire. Not for the first time, I wondered how a person so methodical and neat could be friends with somebody as insane as my Aunt.

“We are,” Ashley smiled, pushing away the now-completed dish of fries. “Thanks again for the discount.”

“Your Aunt and I have an understanding,” Dr. MacBride acknowledged in her typical cold way. “We both have been helping each other for a long time.” She gestured towards the instructions we were poring over. “Is this game going to be complicated? Because I lost a few customers the last time you tripped a server with those dice.”

“Oh, yeah,” both Ashley and I blushed at the memory, avoiding each other’s eyes. That had been quite the mess of blood, tears, and scorching hot chocolate.

“We’re standing by our promise,” Ashley assured the older woman. “Games with a lot of pieces stay at home.”

“Hmph,” Dr. MacBride jerked her head in a sharp nod, and I bit my lip. It was clear that she disliked disrupting our fun, but she did have a business to run. That was the funny thing about Dr. MacBride… for all her chilliness and bluster, she did seem to care. Sort of like a quiet, angsty older sister.

My heart hurt at that word. Sister. My face flushing, I shook myself back to reality. “We’ve paid the bill for the night, so I think we’ll head back to my house to figure out the game.”

“In this weather?” Dr. MacBride frowned, glancing out towards the front of the tavern with some concern. For the first time I saw the pounding tempest outside, and realized my ear had been filtering out the rumblings and rushings of a thunderstorm. It had been cloudy when we’d arrived here, but just barely drizzling. Once more, Ashley and I had lost track of time.

“We’ll be fine,” Ashley assured the doctor, slipping on her rain jacket with her usual air of fearlessness. “Marina’s house is close, and my parents can pick me up when things slow down.”

“If you’re certain,” Dr. MacBride blinked, stalking away to speak to another table. This was the Scotswoman’s way- dark eyes, quick gestures, abrupt entrances and exits. It took a bit of getting used to but I’d been in this town for quite a few years by now.

Ashley and I packed up and with some reluctance we set off for my nearby townhome. Within a few moments of stepping into the thundering darkness we were both drenched, only kept partially dry by our flimsy windbreakers. It would be a five to ten minute walk under these circumstances, which was far from ideal for me, but an adventure to Ashley.

“God, I love rain,” she spun around whimsically as we rounded a corner and crossed the street.

I raised an eyebrow, trying not to focus on the now-soaking locks of hair peeking out from under my hood. “Why?” I grimaced. “It’s so wet.”

Ashley rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. Everything seems more alive in the rain.”

“Except for the drowning earthworms,” I observed darkly, carefully stepping over a wriggling dark shape.

“God, you’re an Angst Lord,” Ashley laughed. “The Angst Lord.”

“I take my title and duties very seriously,” I giggled despite myself.

As Ashley and I chuckled together, making our way towards the darkened, creaking silhouette of my home, we had no idea what we would unleash that day. And we had no idea just how much our lives would change.

This was the last day we would be protected from the world beyond.

With some relief, I unlocked the front door and stepped into the cluttered foyer, with Ashley right behind me. Frowning, I dropped my keys onto a clay tortoise by the door and removed my drenched shoes, painfully aware of just how messy my home was. You’d think that by now I’d be used to Aunt Emma’s odd assortment of knickknacks, strange objects from all over the world which seemed to serve little or no purpose. It was frustrating, but everybody else seemed to find it endearing. Daniel had once told me that the clutter made it feel like a home. I had then told him he probably felt that way because he’d never tripped over a plastic swan sitting randomly in the hallway.

I had no idea how Aunt Emma afforded any of this, let alone the house. She didn’t seem to have any sort of career, simply vanishing during the middle of the day without explanation. If she wasn’t so… well, crazy… I might’ve suspected that Aunt Emma belonged to the mafia.

Ashley dropped her backpack in our kitchen and then the two of us headed up to my bedroom. The house wasn’t huge, per se, but since it was just Aunt Emma and I I had had plenty of choices when picking where I would sleep. I opted for a room on the third floor, not too big and not too small. It had big enough windows for me to enjoy a nice view, and it was located under an empty guest bedroom. Sleeping under Aunt Emma’s room was impossible… her room frequently produced creaks squeaks and groans which made it seem like it had a mind of its own.

I was grateful for Aunt Emma, really. But I needed frequent breaks from her overall craziness.

“Nice décor,” Ashley remarked as she entered my room, a tradition for several years now. She was referring to the wall of photographs above my bed, namely the fact that she was in over half of them. They were pictures of my family and friends- Mom, Dad, Amy, Lucy, even Aunt Emma, not to mention Ashley and Daniel and the rest of my friends. I liked photography quite a bit. I hoped I’d be able to fit it into my schedule when I started high school next year.

“Thanks,” I grunted, pulling over a small table to the center of the room so that we could set up our game. It was missing a few dice, which we replaced with some from our stash. After a few minutes, we had the board prepared exactly as intended.

“Hm, it looks like we’re going to have to pick roles,” Ashley wrinkled up her nose as she read from the pamphlet. “There are two rival families.”

“Like Romeo and Juliet?” I raised an eyebrow.

“I guess,” Ashley shrugged. “Uh, both of us need to pick a family to stand with.” She continued reading, and deflated a bit. “Aw, man. This game looks like a lot more fun with four people.”

“Well, you know Daniel is always down to join in,” I offered. “Do you know anybody else who wouldn’t judge us super hard for playing this?”

“My teammates would rather take a bath with a plugged in toaster,” Ashley rued, crossing her arms. “And who else do we know? Freaking Lilianna?”

Lilianna was an odd girl in our grade who had seemingly appeared from nowhere a few years ago. She rarely ever talked and kept to herself, yet always seemed to be hanging at the edges of Ashley and my lives, watching us with those eerie, unreadable brown eyes. She drifted along through life like a ghost, cursed to haunt Ashley and me with furtive glances and judgmental stares.

She also seemed to get exceptional grades in most classes, which was annoying.

“Yeah, maybe the four player game isn’t going to happen,” I sighed. “Also, do you know I think I saw her following me home the other day? It’s super creepy but Aunt Emma won’t do anything about it.”

“My mother thinks she’s homeless or something,” Ashley crossed her arms. “Tells me to be nice to her.”

“Maybe if Lilianna wouldn’t vanish into the shadows everytime we so much as say hello,” I blew some hair out of my face. “And people say I’m shy…”

Just then, there was a crash of thunder, so loud that Ashley started and accidentally knocked over the board. She swore and began to gather the pieces just as the lights flickered.

“Oh, that’s not good,” my friend paused, glancing up at my lamp with some concern as it flickered again.

“Yeah, our electricity’s days are numbered,” I observed, getting to my feet reluctantly. “I’ll get us some flashlights, just in case.”

“Sounds good,” Ashley gave me a thumbs up, and I pushed out of my bedroom and set off towards our pantry. I descended the stairs to the ground floor quickly, hurriedly turning into the messy kitchen and throwing open the doors to the closet. Unfortunately, the flashlights were nowhere to be found. I sighed- Aunt Emma’s messiness had struck again.

I flew through the entirety of the kitchen’s drawers, searching for anything I could use rather than precious phone energy for when the power inevitably died. Unfortunately, my search turned up little more than rubber bands and regrets, and I expanded its radius to include the family room and foyer. Neither of these rooms turned up anything useful either, and I slammed a wardrobe shut with frustration. As if on cue, there was an ominous crash outside, and suddenly I was plunged into darkness.

“Marina!” I heard Ashley yell from my room.

“Working on it!” I shouted back.

Thinking quickly, I remember the last time I’d seen the flashlights. Aunt Emma had needed them for some sort of midnight run she’d gone on with Dr. MacBride. Maybe they were still sitting in her room somewhere. I didn’t go into Aunt Emma’s room a lot- it was by far the messiest part of the house, made even worse by the fact that Aunt Emma seemed to think she was accomplishing something by the mess. Once I’d started to vacuum up a trail of salt peaking out of her closet and she’d yelled at me not to disturb her work.

Again—my Aunt was suspicious as heck.

I ran back up the stairs through the darkness, though this time I ascended one more flight so I could reach the master suite which Aunt Emma called home. Carefully, I felt around for a familiar doorknob and pushed. I was greeted by almost pitch darkness.

Sighing, I opened my phone and turned on the flashlight feature, shining it reluctantly into the void. Sure enough, the floor was littered with unlit candles and some odd crystals, which I carefully stepped around and closed the door behind me.

I stepped over the mess and made my way towards the wall to my right. I would skirt the edges of the master suite, looking over Aunt Emma’s many bookshelves for a trace of what I wanted among the mildewed old books and rusting copper pots. I passed her sputtering desktop computer, still barely working after all these years, and pulled myself over a comfortable armchair I knew to be a favorite of hers. No trace of what I was looking for. I bent down a bit, looking to see if the flashlights had fallen behind the chair, but suddenly found myself tripping over an unseen plate of a strange powder lying on the floor. I yelped as I fell backwards, grabbing for support from the shelf but only succeeding in pulling a piece of paper with me as I tumbled onto the chair. Embarrassing.

Awkwardly, I righted myself and got back to my feet, shaking off the heebie-jeebies and getting my first glance at the map in my hand. I frowned- it was of the United States, and somebody had circled Maine several times. Was I taking a vacation to Maine? What was in Maine? Scrawled in my Aunt’s handwriting were two words- Hunters’ Run. That sounded like a place. But why was my Aunt so concerned with it?

I shook myself from my thoughts, giving up on trying to comprehend my Aunt’s bizarre logic. Biting my lip, I placed the map back where I found it and started towards Aunt Emma’s closet. I was so intent on my destination that I almost walked straight past a door I hadn’t even noticed. A door whose outline seemed to be pulsing a strange light blue, like there was a giant TV on right behind it.

A door I had always thought led to the attic.

Well, whatever this was, it was a source of light. Carefully, I pushed against the doorknob, only to find the room was locked. Well, that wouldn’t be a problem- the locks in this house hadn’t been replaced in years, and some were defective. Defective enough that if you hit the door just right….

Carefully, I slammed the doorknob with a paperweight I grabbed from the floor. There was a familiar clicking noise, and as I pushed again, the door unlocked. My eyes widened as I saw what was inside the room.

The small, closet-like space was packed with more bookcases, but these were the only furnishing within the room. An old wooden ladder led up to what I assumed was the attic, but I hardly noticed it since the room was being lit by what appeared to be a giant glowing blue crystal in the center of the room, surrounded by rings of candles  and… salt?

“God, this has got to be a fire hazard,” I blinked, trying to figure out what I was looking at. Carefully, I turned off my phone and put it away. I didn’t need the light anymore. Taking a deep breath, I bent down and reached for the glowing crystal. It was cool to the touch, and surprisingly light, but strangest of all there were no wires or switches or anything electronic attached to it.

“What is this?” I murmured to myself, turning the crystal over in my hands. “A glow stick or something?”

I squinted, trying to get a better look at the material, when a loud noise sounded behind me. I started, and dropped the crystal- it fell to the wooden floor with a crash and suddenly a wave of light pulsed out of it in all directions, momentarily blinding me. The candles flickered out.

“What was that?” Ashley asked from behind me, and I realized she was the one who had scared me. I tried to steady my breathing.

“I don’t know,” I told her honestly. “It’s just some lamp my Aunt owns.”

“Did you break it?” Ashley frowned, pushing into the closet and peering over my shoulder at the crystal. Shallow cracks flawed its surface, and the light coming from it was now flickering. “What was that burst of light?”

Without warning, the lights flashed back on, and I realized that electricity had returned to the house. I heard a frantic shout from downstairs, tinged with fear. “Marina?” My aunt yelled, and I heard the sound of pounding feet on stairs. “Marina, are you okay?”

I exchanged a worried look with Ashley and we exited the closet, hurrying to meet my Aunt halfway. However, the door burst open and an elderly lady decked out in funky old silks and hand-made jewelry pushed past us, going into the closet and letting out a scream. Disoriented, I stood for a moment and tried to regain my bearings.

“Wow, she’s fast for an old lady,” Ashley blinked.

Aunt Emma poked her head out of the closet, a storm in her usually placid blue eyes. “What happened?” she asked, shaking. “Who did this?”

“It was my fault, Ms. Okendale,” Ashley stepped forward before I could stop her. “I scared Marina, and–”

Aunt Emma didn’t wait to hear the rest, leaping back into the closet and slamming the door behind her. There was a faint whispering, and another flash of light from behind the door, and suddenly the door was back open. Aunt Emma emerged, suddenly perfectly calm.

“There, there,” she smiled, though there was a frightening something else behind it. “All fixed. No need to worry.”

“What was that?” Ashley crossed her arms, just as shaken as I was by this jarring turn of events. “What did you fix?”

“Nothing you need to worry about,” Aunt Emma repeated as if it had been unclear the first time, suddenly closing the distance between us and enveloping me in a hug. “It was only down for a minute. We’re safe. They’ll never find us.”

I shared a frightened look with Ashley. A pit formed in my stomach as I considered, for the first time, that the mafia was the safest explanation for all of this.

Because in my heart, I knew that Aunt Emma was wrong. I knew I’d made a mistake, and I knew that they were coming for us.

I just didn’t know who they were, and what they had to do with the fire that killed everyone I loved.

Poem: Family

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My father:

Thinks like a ticking analog clock, taking time apart with slow, methodical hands.

Works like a cornerstone, standing tall despite the way the earth shifts and moves.

Loves like a dancing dolphin, watching sunlight from below as it hits the waves.

 

My mother:

Works like a canary, singing in the coal mine though she sees no light.

Cares like a tempest, moving heaven and other to ease her children’s pain.

Loves like a lion, fighting onward with passion no matter how the odds may lay.

 

My sister:

Cares like a shadow, Standing by through your darkest days to help hold you up.

Explores like a soaring owl, looking for movement in the darkness which consumes all else.

Loves like an open window, letting light stream forth at the break of day.

 

My sister:

Explores like a hungry bear, searching for the last fragrant flower at the end of Spring.

Thinks like a tall oak, seeking knowledge like sunlight to war, her restless leaves.

Loves like a soldier, standing guard against the hungering demons she fights to keep at bay.