Vincent Truman's Blog, page 8
March 20, 2013
Thoughts on Rape Culture
Stop rape culture… starting with its name.
Much has been made of the concept of rape culture. Users of the phrase have a cause and their cause is noble: to bring attention to rape and to bring voice to advocacy to promote, to be simplistic, less rape. Most reasonable people will side with this cause and agree that, yes, less rape is good.
However, I have noted some disparity in how one defines ‘rape culture’, and this, to my way of thinking, creates a problem by obscuring many others. From the first page of a Google search for the definition of “rape culture”:
Wikipedia: Rape culture is a concept used to describe a culture in which rape and sexual violence are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media normalize, excuse, tolerate, or even condone rape.
Marshall University Women’s Center: Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.
Thus, the definition seems to vacillate considerably on who is doing the talking. To wit, there is a activist I follow on twitter who proclaimed: “Monsters rape, real men want their women to participate. Stop rape mentality, hold men responsible.” I’ll let the reader imagine the gender of the author and which definition the author is likely to give more weight to.
The danger here, as I see it, is that users of the phrase “rape culture”, at its most popular, seem to ignore their own purposes and goals (as stated above) and instead thrive in an adversarial arena where discourse and education are secondary examples of window dressing in order to finger the evil ones. A common human trait, to be sure. Notably, the loudest of these proclamations come from people who would not or could not admit their own role within said culture. It’s always them. I have yet to read an essay in which the author could admit his/her involvement with “rape culture”, with examples, and how this has made her/him readdress the philosophy. I’m sure they’re out there, but like the moderate wing of a religious branch, they don’t nearly get the social-media ADD-addled attention that the loud folks do.
To be fair, I think it far more likely that there is a societal culture, perpetuated by both genders to varying degrees, which wants things multiple ways. Here’s my examples.
As a man, I had a date recently and just sprang for dinner. Didn’t even think about it. My date, with no blame or aspersions intended, did not reach for her purse. On one hand, one could say this was chivalrous behavior; on the other, it was purely sexist of me to insist that I pay for a dinner shared by an individual who happened to be female. If asked, I would say I am a big advocate for equality between the sexes. So why pick up the check? Simply put, I want it both ways. I want to be equal advocate and protector/provider.
Back when I was married and the topic of children came up, my wife and I discussed how to raise a child. My wife said, with no hesitation, that she wanted to stay home – or rather that she expected to stay home – for the child’s early years. Why? Because she wanted to. And her mom stayed home. And her sister stayed home. Equal or sexist? If we had agreed to this arrangement, it could be argued as equal. If viewed objectively, it could hardly be perceived as anything but sexist. I would submit that sexist behavior, whether done by me in a restaurant or by my former spouse in the home, promotes or at least endears itself to “rape culture”, at least Wikipedia’s version of it: any behavior, fair or otherwise, normalized because of gender overruling, or minimizing, a second gender.
Even though the above two examples are personal in nature, it is highly doubtful that my experiences are unique.
But this is the point: none of the above really can be distilled into something with any of the punch of “rape culture.” “Rape culture”, to me, is a catchphrase where action is needed. It’s an accusation where a mirror is needed. It’s a crutch where communication is needed. It’s a moving target (does it involve everyone or just women?) where certainty is needed.
Until we are all prepared – this includes me, as I will not put myself above any species – to thoroughly re-examine our own participation in sexual mores, including but not limited to intolerance and derision, expectation and experience, we will be joined forever as equals in the authorship of “rape culture.”
[Special thanks to Scott Kier for pointing out that it is "sexual mores", not, as I had originally written it, "sexual morays." As he suggested, the sexuality of eels doesn't quite fit into the context of this essay.]
Final note: should anyone be inclined to tell me how my opinion is misguided or that I’m blinded by my own privilege, etc., don’t. You know why not? I’m not asking for it.
March 18, 2013
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time 4: Divorce Support Group
In my fourth experimental ten-minute minicast, I chat about the Irish and St. Patrick’s day, my divorce support group and its shifting significance, those who leave and those who don’t, assholery, responsibility and a recap of a date. Grab a cup of coffee and have a listen.
Single Again For The First Time 4: Divorce Support Group
Youtube version:
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time: Divorce Support Group
In my fourth experimental ten-minute minicast, I chat about the Irish, my divorce support group, those who leave and those who don’t, assholery, responsibility and a date. Grab a cup of coffee and have a listen.
Single Again For The First Time 4: Divorce Support Group
March 16, 2013
Video: 1970 – The First Interview
In the 1960s and 1970s, my parents’ prized possession (or rather, my favorite thing they had) was a rickety old reel-to-reel tape recorder with big, thick, white buttons and a little microphone that plugged in the front. I recall playing on the machine a few times and really loving it – certainly the impetus for my wanting to record and write as I grew up. After being moved coast to coast for over 40 years, Mom gave me the tapes to see if I could get them transferred to disc. Finding the correct recording studio and the correct reel-to-reel machines, a few of the tapes came to life again.
This recording is of my mother interviewing me in early 1970, in the months just prior to my fifth birthday and kindergarten.
March 10, 2013
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time 3: Coffee & Autism
Vincent Truman, age 10.
In my third experimental podcast, I mumble about coffee, jolting myself from a bad dream, the awesomeness of having insomnia on the night the clocks go forward, looking forward to meeting someone who has already Googled me (hi, Person X, if you’re reading), reviewing old archive footage and recordings from my childhood and recognizing some traits that would fit nicely on the autism scale – and how uncool it is to have those traits as an adult.
Single Again For The First Time: Coffee & Autism
Youtube version:
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time: Coffee & Autism
Vincent Truman, age 10.
In my third experimental podcast, I mumble about coffee, jolting myself from a bad dream, the awesomeness of having insomnia on the night the clocks go forward, looking forward to meeting someone who has already Googled me (hi, if you’re reading), reviewing old archive footage and recordings from my childhood and recognizing some traits that would fit nicely on the autism scale – and how uncool it is to have those traits as an adult.
March 3, 2013
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time Podcast 2: Fun & Games
In my second experimental ten-minute podcast, fueled by a lot of coffee, I chat about the foreboding experience of seeing the world anew. As Louis CK noted, being single after being divorced is like having vast amounts of currency from a country that doesn’t exist anymore. It’s like going out into the world with 5 million Prussian Francs.
Also, I touch base on how long it took to find someone attractive without massive amounts of guilt for looking at “another woman” and some of the pathetic gameplay that I encountered on a dating site.
Single Again For The First Time: Fun & Games
Youtube version:
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time: Fun & Games
In my second experimental ten-minute podcast, fueled by a lot of coffee, I chat about the foreboding experience of seeing the world anew. As Louis CK noted, being single after being divorced is like having vast amounts of currency from a country that doesn’t exist anymore.
February 25, 2013
Minicast: Single Again For The First Time
A brief minicast featuring the exposition and experience about being in the dating world following a divorce. How does one meet someone new? On the train? Bus? Bar? Hahahahahah! No! Bring on the dating sites!
Hilarity ensues!
February 14, 2013
Valentine’s Day: On This Day in 2012
I’ve never been a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. Naturally, I have, upon occasion, been sucked into the artificial hoopla. Years ago, I dated a woman with the last name of Valentine, and you better believe that attention had to be paid, or, perhaps more accurately, lavished on February 14. That is not a story for not another day.
And then there’s 2012. Depending on whose calendar you were working from, my wife and I were either a few weeks into a trial separation with the hope of reconciliation (according to my calendar) or we were in a holding pattern until it was legal to get divorced (that would be my ex-wife’s calendar). Of course, at this point, I was writing a daily journal of my experiences. So, as a tribute to all things VD, I give you my entry from February 14, 2012:
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It does seem – as loathe as I am to admit it – that the best way to get along with Jennifer is to not have anything to do with Jennifer.
As I write this, she is working from her apartment. And she is logged into the virtual world/videogame Second Life as her avatar, Jennifer Simoni. She will probably remain on it for the rest of the day – and night. Multitasking on a video game for the whole day, two days a week? One can add her employer to the long list of entities and people that Jennifer says ‘fuck you’ to.
Last night, she called with no real agenda, but just to chat. Nice, right? Well, kinda. Her primary contribution to the conversation was talking to her cat, opining that her schedule was “same ol’ same ol’” (fucking really? didn’t you just move out of our home three weeks ago?) and talking about e-cigarettes. Her sole question to me for the duration of the 40 minute call was: “So… what else?” That followed a 30-second silence after I had drained into the conversation everything I had been up to (painting, new water heater, bunches of stuff designed to make her want to come home). I had to volunteer all this, of course, because at no point did she ask probing questions like “how are you?” or “what have you been up to?”
So, while I was not as emotionally beat up as I was from last Saturday’s talk, I still felt wildly uninteresting and unwanted. She’s not stupid, she knows what she’s doing. I guess I find it hard to believe that she’s that mean.
The link between Second Life and the chat with Jennifer, and this was admittedly a passing thought, was this: in Second Life, I have a female avatar named Madelyn. I enjoy the experience of being a woman, albeit a virtual one, because, I tell ya, you can be a real cunt and totally get away with it. In fact, I really like it when boys come up to Madelyn and try and seduce her. I let them jump through their hoops and try and impress me, for as long as they like. Then, after they have exhausted their supply of charm and cleverness, I ask, “so… what else?”
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Happy Thursday, all.
