Lisa Appelo's Blog, page 5

A Family Advent Devotional to Make Christmas Special

Use a family Advent devotional to make Christmas special! Countdown to Christmas is a simple and meaningful way to unwrap the Christmas story of Jesus each day as you put up one piece of your Nativity and read a related passage of scripture along with the daily devotion. Today I’m sharing why we started a family Advent devotional to make Christmas special in our home.

Christmases are memorable for lots of reasons. There was the Christmas I hosted my husband’s family for the first time and worked to make everything just right. After hours in the kitchen, I was the last to sit down at the dining table, took a big swig of my sweet iced tea and discovered it tasted like dish soap! I learned the peril of talking in the kitchen when I’m cooking!  

A few Christmases later, one of our preschoolers woke with a stomach bug and put herself back to bed. Not even presents under the tree could lure her out. One by one, we all succumbed to the same stomach virus, and spent the next two days in jammies watching Christmas movies.

Then, there are those memorably good Christmases.

Like the one filled with wedding showers and bridesmaid brunches for a December 29th wedding to my high school sweetheart. Or the Christmas we tucked up in a mountaintop cabin decked like a Hallmark Christmas movie. My Florida kids got their Christmas wish when we woke to the first fresh snow of the season.

We all want those special Christmases and we can get busy doing all the things to create the Christmas magic.

I want the gift list just right so my kids’ eyes light up when they open their presents. I want the house deep cleaned, the cookies baked, the cards mailed and time enough to check off a bucket list of Christmas festivities.

But trying to make Christmas memorable only makes me exhausted.

Because what makes Christmas special has already been done for us.

What brings true light to our children’s eyes will never be found under the tree. That can only be found when we look to the Light of the World.

What satisfies our soul will never be found in chocolate calendars or sugar cookies. That can only come when we draw from the Bread of Life.

What brings our heart joy can never be found in decked halls or festive parties or matching pjs.

That can come only when we trust the One who’s promised joy for us, abundant and complete.

In the busyness of December, Advent helps us turn our focus to the real wonder of the season — that Jesus took on flesh and made his dwelling with us.

Advent isn’t another task on our December to-do list.

Advent lets us make room to worship the best Gift of all.

If this season is one of pain, let Advent fix your gaze on Jesus who left heaven to walk with you in it.

If the stress to all the things is already pressing, let Advent remind you that Jesus came to do for us what we could not.

Instead of trying to create that perfect Christmas, Advent helps us worship the only One perfect.

I invite you to celebrate with a simple and meaningful Advent tradition. You only need 15 days, so there’s plenty of time to start and plenty of margin when days are full.

This Advent, unwrap the Christmas story one day at a time by putting up one piece of your Nativity each day and reading a related Bible passage.

The Countdown to Christmas family devotional starts with Old Testament prophecies of Jesus telling the story of Jesus’ birth all the way to the wise men who came to worship.

You don’t have to have the book to do this Advent, but Countdown to Christmas includes a devotional for each passage of scripture, along with a prayer and related Christmas carol.

A Countdown to Christmas helps us build anticipation and excitement not for presents under a tree but for our Savior swaddled in a manger.

All of our best efforts to make a special Christmas are temporary. The thrill of that just-right present lasts about as long as the batteries. And the yumminess of all that Christmas cooking will be forgotten by next morning’s breakfast.

Advent turns our focus on the everlasting gift and our eternity with him.

This Christmas, may our hearts delight not in anything we create, but in unwrapping the wonder of Jesus.

The post A Family Advent Devotional to Make Christmas Special appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

Abigail: How a Wise Response Cools Hot Heads

LaTan Roland Murphy is a nationally-recognized writer and radio host whose newest book covers 11 women in the Bible, each uniquely positioned for success because of her courageous choices. It’s a joy to welcome LaTan to share about Abigail: how a wise response cools hot heads.

I wonder if Abigail turned her back away from the servant nervously clamoring on about how poorly her husband, Nabal, had treated David’s troops while camped in the Wilderness of Paran? Scripture doesn’t tell us if the messenger ran to tell Abigail, or slowly went; but we hear his disgust in his report:

“David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us. They did not mistreat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. Night and day, they were a wall around us all the time we were herding our sheep near them. Now think it over our master and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole house. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.” (1 Sam. 25:14-17, NIV)

Imagine Abigail graciously thanking the young messenger, waving good-bye with a half-hearted smile, then biting her lip in an attempt to hold back the seething anger as she replayed his embarrassing, detailed report. Nabal’s bad behavior must not have come as a surprise. He was known for foolishly belittling others with his quick, harsh and cutting gestures. “Who is this, David? Who is Jesse’s son?,” he’d remarked.

Nabal’s condescending response was unjustifiable! The men had greeted Nabal in David’s name. Their demeanor had been as kind as David’s message itself.

“Long life to you! Good health to you and your household!… Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing…Therefore, be favorable toward my young men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.” (1 Sam. 25:5-8, NIV)

Abigail’s goal in life might not have been to become a leader. But, when others see character, integrity and courage, they automatically see a leader, too! Abigail’s story fills us with renewed desire to become the best version of ourselves we can be, knowing others are depending on us to have big courage when life gets hard.

Some of us have been assigned to cantankerous parents, in-laws, children, friends, coworkers or bosses. Abigail had a cantankerous spouse in Nabal. It takes courage to keep it together when others have created upheaval all around us. Sometimes, it hard to do the right thing when stronger, overbearing personalities try to control or dominate our situations.

First Peter 5:8 tells us to “keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up.”

Abigail acted courageously and moved swiftly. She “took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed
figs and loaded them on donkeys.” She told her servants to go to David but didn’t tell her husband Nabal.

As she journeyed along, do you think she replayed Nabal’s rudeness? How dare Nabal respond so rudely to David’s request for food. I can’t believe he said: “Shall I take my bread, my water, and my meat that I have killed for my shearers and give it to men who come from I do not know where?”

And how dare he pretend not to know who, David, son of Jesse is! David’s success had won him the highest ranking in the army of King Saul.

Nabal’s lack of respect and carelessness had put their lives in danger and positioned Abigail as the one to make yesterday’s wrongs right. But God was her helper, and she acted with discernment.

“As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them. David had just said, ‘it’s been useless—all my watching over this fellow’s property in the desert so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!’”

Nabal’s unruly behavior caused David’s hot pursuit of him. And Nabal’s unruly behavior had caused his wife, Abigail, to take matters into her own hands. Abigail went courageously to meet David, knowing her life and the lives of others depended on her courage.

“Go up to Carmel and go to Nabal and greet him in my name. And thus, you shall greet him: ‘Peace be to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be to all that you have.’ (1 Sam. 25:5,6, ESV)

Beautiful Abigail represented ugly Nabal’s case before David to remove the sting of impending death coming for all of her people, and Jesus did the same when he became the curse for us, giving his life for ours on the cross, with all the abundance of heaven becoming ours.

Abigail used the wealth endowed to her—bringing the best provisions from yesterday’s storehouse, along with her beautiful humility, to the mountain ravine. And her timing was impeccable; David had just finished grumbling about how Nabal had repaid his good with evil, expressing his oath to annihilate everyone who belonged to him.

By this point, I’m guessing Abigail’s face was dust-covered from her travels, yet, beautiful nonetheless. Friend,
when the predicaments others cause place us on a dusty, dirty, fearful path, keep in mind—nothing can taint our godly beauty. Because God sees our heart when man sees our outward appearance.

Approaching David, Abigail quickly dismounted her donkey, then bowed before him with her face to the ground.

“My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man, Nabal. He is just like his name, his name is Fool, and folly goes with him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent.” (1 Sam. 25:25, NIV)

Can you hear how Abigail’s courageous heart humbly spoke to David for her? Placing blame, making excuses or trying to manipulate her situation wouldn’t have worked well in convincing David to retreat. Instead, Abigail courageously spoke truth to the one who could save her life, her redeemer, David.

I love that she didn’t tell a white lie, water down the truth or make excuses for Nabal’s arrogance. Instead, she referred to him by the character in which he lived: a fool. In ancient Israel names were often connected person’s character. We don’t know if Nabal was given this name or he earned it; but he certainly lived up to it.

But, Abigail was no fool!

“And David said to Abigail. “Blessed be the lord, the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! Blessed be your discretion, and blessed be you who have kept me this day from bloodguilt and from working salvation with my own hand! For as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, who has restrained me from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to me, truly by morning there had not been left to Nabal so much as one male.”

David graciously received her offering and replied, “Go up in peace to your house.”

Most of us would have been tempted to run back to our husbands with an in-his-face: Na,na,na,na,na! But Abigail waited once again for God’s perfect timing before telling Nabal what she’d done, partly because he was drunk when she returned from her mercy-journey. After hearing the news, “Nabal’s heart failed him and he became like a stone. And, about ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal, and he died.”

With godly humility, Abigail resourcefully worked to create better tomorrows for herself, her family and friends and in doing so won the respect of soldiers, servants and a soon-to-be King David.

There are four kinds of riches. There are riches in what you have, riches in what you do, riches in what you know and riches in what you are—richness of character. Nabal was an extraordinarily rich man, but only rich in what he had. There was no excuse for such rudeness or his selfish spirit.

Dear Abigail, how we need your beautiful restraint. How we long for an honest-to-goodness courageous countenance where our inner faith becomes external courage. How we want to be courageous women, with impeccable God-timing, so that we can act according to God’s best leading and trust Him with the good results.
No more blaming our husbands, friends, mothers or our daddies for our insecurities. God is about to do a new thing as we courageously discern who He is and submit to his higher authority. What better way is there to own our tomorrows?

Find the full chapter of Own Your Tomorrows in LaTan’s book Courageous Women of The Bible, Overcoming Fear and Insecurity for a Life of Confidence and Freedom. LaTan Roland Murphy is a sought-after speaker and award-winning writer who finds encouraging others her passion and purpose. LaTan teaches at The Billy Graham Training Center, helping others fulfill their God-given purposes. Many of her award-winning articles have been featured in Fox news, Inside Edition, 700 Club, and The Daily Mail in the UK. Her award-winning books have been featured in Southern Writers Magazine’s Must Reads. Connect with LaTan at latanmurphy.com.

The post Abigail: How a Wise Response Cools Hot Heads appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

The Best Ways to Manage Father’s Day Grief

Father’s Day is a day that triggers deep hurt and grief for many. When there’s been a death or divorce, desertion or even dementia, Father’s Day hurts. We can grieve the father we had or the father we wish we’d had. What are the best ways to manage Father’s Day grief?

I’ve rounded up the best posts on Father’s Day for the grieving. This curated list has posts for the many ways Father’s Day can hurt. Even if it’s a mixed day where you’re celebrating one father while grieving another, the words of these posts will bring comfort. Whether you’re grieving your own father, helping your children navigate grief for theirs or walking with a spouse or family member through pain, finding ways to intentionally approach Father’s Day will help you manage the grief it can bring.

Father’s Day Grief Pieces I’ve Published Around the Web

5 Ways to Celebrate Father’s Day When It Hurts

passed away and I became a widow and single mom to our seven kids – ranging from preschoolers to teens. How would we approach Father’s Day now? 

And while my father was still living, and deserved to be honored, my own children’s father was in heaven. Navigating my children through grief compounded my own. 

On that first painful Father’s Day, my oldest came into my room and unwrapped the gift he’d ordered weeks before for his dad – an oiled canvas hat. Size XL. He asked if it would be okay to send it to an uncle and though we sent it off with a heartfelt note, we knew it was too big for him and not his style. It was yet another snapshot of our gaping pain. 

How do you manage when your heart hurts on Father’s Day? It can be painful for so many reasons. Your father has died, or left after a divorce or been absent when you longed for him. Maybe his anger or abuse or addiction kept him from being the father you needed. Do you just skip the day altogether or try your best to shut out the noise until Father’s Day has passed? Here are 5 ways we found to approach Father’s Day when it hurts. 

How to Celebrate When Father’s Day Hurts

How to Care for Fatherless Children on Father’s Day

I don’t know yet what it is to lose a father, but I’ve parented my seven children through the loss of their dad at a very young age. I can’t fix their hurt and I want to recognize my children’s pain and deep loss. Perhaps you or your children are also navigating a hard Father’s Day this year because of death or divorce or a dad who just hasn’t shown up for his family as he should. There’s no quick fix for the pain, but here are 5 ways to help when Father’s Day hurts. Read the rest here.

Why I Still Believe In Father’s Day (Even When It Hurts)

Father’s Day forever changed for us six years ago. Just days before the holiday, my husband suddenly passed away and I became a widow and single mom to our seven kids – ranging from preschoolers to teens. 

Two days later, on that first painful Father’s Day, my oldest showed me the gift he’d ordered weeks before for his dad – an oiled canvas hat. Size XL. The fact that it wouldn’t fit anyone else close to us was such a picture of our gaping loss.  What do we do with Father’s Day when it hurts? When we’re grieving a dad who’s passed away, or who’s left deep wounds from a divorce or from not being there? Do we just skip the day altogether? Cover our eyes and ears until Father’s Day has passed? Read the rest here.

52 Bible Verses to Grieve With Hope

In deep grief, God’s word brings deep comfort. The Bible is living and active and meets the most broken and pain-filled places in our soul. “Within the Scripture there is balm for every wound, a salve for every sore,” Charles Spurgeon said. Early in my grief, I was desperate for comfort only God could bring. Some Bible verses anchored me when my world turned upside down. Some verses reminded me of God’s truth when lies threatened to pull me under. And some Bible verses brought hope that, despite the cavernous loss and sadness, life would feel good again. These 52 Bible verses to grieve with hope are some of my favorite scriptures to bring comfort when we’re hurting.

52 Bible Verses to Grieve with Hope

12 Bible Verses for the Fatherless and Single Mom

God loves the widow and fatherless. He has always taken care of them. God’s Old Testament laws made special provision for them, protected them and their land, and gave serious warning to anyone who took advantage of them.

And the New Testament does the same. The very role of deacon came about because of the church needed godly men of integrity who would make sure daily provision was made for the widow. Timothy gave detailed instructions to the early church on how to care for widows.

God’s very character is described as the defender of widows and father to the fatherless. Caring for the widow and the fatherless is not just what God does; it’s who he is.

12 Bible Verses for the Widow and Single Mom

Father’s Day Grief Pieces From Friends Around the Web

In death
How to Celebrate Father’s Day When Your Daddy is Gone by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

The following are some ideas compiled with the help of some of my widow friends on how to remember and celebrate Father’s Day when a daddy is gone. I have found it’s important to make plans ahead of time, but to hold them lightly and cover ourselves with grace on the actual day.

How to celebrate Father’s Day when your daddy is gone

Creating a New Remembrance Day After Death
Fatherless Grief: Memorials and Remembrance by Lori Apon

While many across the country honor dads in June on Father’s Day, our family chose a different time for remembering Father’s Day. Psalm 68:5 was quoted just 24 hours before my husband died, and I really believed that God would fulfill His word. The date of your husband’s death is the day that God became Father to your children as well (the Remembrance Day). Because of this truth, God gave our family a creative way to remember this day by leading us to consider our Remembrance Day as our new Father’s Day, replacing the traditional Father’s Day recognized by the world.

You can lead your children by letting them know that Father’s Day in June is to celebrate earthly dads, and while that is great for families who have them here, God has given them their own special day to honor their Heavenly Father! They truly have a new Father’s Day. By relocating that day and renaming it as your new Father’s Day, I found that it helped remove the string from the traditional day of honoring dads. It was a day we looked forward to, even though it was a sad and happy day, we always made it memorable.

Fatherless Father’s Day: How to Handle It

In divorce
Love to the Fatherless by Tara Dickson

Father’s Day. It should be such an easy holiday, right? A barbecue, a tie, a homemade card. It wasn’t for me and isn’t for so many and yet now, more than ever, I see the need to celebrate Fatherhood. The work these men  are called to is holy. It’s one only they can do. As a child whose father didn’t live with her. I hungered for a father for many reasons…

Love for the Fatherless Ones.

In infertility
Skipping Service by Diane Newcomer

Father’s Day is one of the two Sundays of the year I want to snuggle in bed all morning and not go to church. My husband and I both grew up in the church and attended weekly. We love church so much that we go on a Christmas Crawl and see how many services we can attend over Christmas (the most ever is 6!) We believe in the local church and attend even when we aren’t excited about going, but Mother’s and Father’s Day are always days we give ourselves a pass.
However, Father’s Day is when the inclusive body of Christ becomes exclusive. Fathers are encouraged to stand up and be applauded. They are given gifts. Video montages of happy children and their fathers are played. The sermon is often “man up and be a good dad,” or “honor your dad”. For me, it was deeply painful to be in the place where our unmet prayers were celebrated for others. Read the rest here.

In adoption
Happy Father’s Day (to A Father I Do Not Know)

I do not know my son’s father. Neither does he. Maybe he heard his voice from deep within the womb.
Would he recognize it, if he heard it now?

Happy Father’s Day (To A Father I Do Not Know)

A Father’s Day Prayer
A Prayer for the Fatherless on Father’s Day by Lori Apon

A Prayer for the fatherless on Father’s Day

The post The Best Ways to Manage Father’s Day Grief appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

Communal Lament in Tragedy, Disaster or Injustice

When shock and horror rise to the top,
when our insides churn with nausea at evil,
when words are wholly inadequate,

there is lament.

While lament is often individual when life shatters in loss, communal lament in tragedy, disaster or injustice helps us process shared grief.

Lament is God’s invitation to come to Him with grief too heavy to carry. Because we were not made for death or devastation or trauma. And yet it’s all around us.

Sometimes communal grief comes when the pain of one reverberates through the whole congregation. I saw this as a young mom, when a couple in our young marrieds class suffered not one but two back-to-back stillbirths. On a drizzling weekday morning, we gathered around a tiny white casket sitting next to a freshly dug grave to grieve the unthinkable.

I carried my friends’ pain through my days even as I tickled my own littles and signed up to bring them dinner. Knowing our shared grief, our pastor shepherded all of us that Sunday as he set aside his planned sermon to teach us why believers endure such suffering.

Communal grief also comes when a nation grieves the unthinkable. The loss reverberates across screens and images into our homes and offices and conversations. We carry the pain of devastated families and reeling communities as we fold clothes and sit in carline miles away.

“A healthy body is not one that feels no pain. A healthy body is one that attends to the pain of its weakest part,” says Phillip Yancey.

God created us in community and for community. So how do we attend the pain of those hurting in the body? The pain of injustice and tragedy and outright evil in communities, states or countries away? God has given us the language of communal lament.

Communal lament is the Biblical response to processing our shared grief.

More than one-third of the Psalms are lament and many of those are communal. The entire book of Lamentations (which stems from the Latin word meaning weeping or wailing from deep grief) is one long national lament over the destruction of Jerusalem and God’s judgment against Judah.

Communal lament shows up different ways.

Sometimes we can’t even put words to our sorrow. The grief is too fresh grief or too raw or too disorienting. Yet God has gone before us, knowing we’d deal with circumstances where we couldn’t muster up words enough to express our grief.

Romans 8:26 assures us that lament without words reaches God’s ear. “Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (ESV)

Your inexpressible grief that comes as groans or sighs, the tightening in your chest and the pit in your gut, the wordless exasperations or outrage — they are known and heard, laid on the very throne of God on your behalf.

Other times, lament comes as hard questions, strident anger over injustice, or audible cries and these too God welcomes. We see this in Habakkuk, where the prophet lamented over the injustice around him and went to God with his questions.

“O LORD, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear?
Or cry to you “Violence!” an you will not save?
Why do you make me see iniquity, and why do you idly look at wrong?
Destruction and violence are before me; strife and contention arise.
So the law is paralyzed, and justice never goes forth.
For the wicked surround the righteous; so justice goes forth perverted.” (Hab 1:1-4, ESV)

God never rebuked Habakkuk for this lament but actually answered his questions. We too are safe to go to God with our hard questions in grief when we have a right heart.

Communal lament asks God to help.

Lament isn’t a place to dump accusations and bitterness on God. It’s a place to express our sorrow, our questions and even despair and then ask for God’s help.

In the wake of tragedy and injustice, how will we respond? We need God’s wisdom as much as we need His comfort in tragedy. The good news is that God delights in helping us in our troubles.

Part of communal lament is our prayer asking God to help those hurting and to guide leaders, and churches and communities to respond well. We can ask God to humble us, turn our hearts and nation to Him, restore us, provide resources and let His righteous ways prevail.

Communal lament is more than emotion.

Communal lament is always more than airing our grievances and emotions. God doesn’t call us to simply vent our emotions. He calls us to trust Him with the circumstance.

Lament allows us to unburden our heart from emotions and questions too heavy for us while accepting we live in a fallen world and don’t get a pass from suffering. This world is not our home and until we get to heaven or Christ returns, this world will be marred by sin and its consequences – tragedy, evil and natural disasters.

While our hearts may be broken over the suffering, ultimately we trust that God is sovereign and is working His good in ways we can’t see or understand.

Lament never accuses God of evil or that He is against us but trusts that God is good and is for us. Communal lament may start with our grief, despair and questions but it always ends with trusting the character of God.

In the coming weeks, I’ll be adding a few prayers of communal lament for different circumstances to this post, but today especially, I wanted to offer this prayer of communal lament over violence.

A Prayer of Communal Lament Over Violence

Oh God,
Our hearts are broken over this tragedy and this evil act against our most vulnerable and innocent. We look to You to be near to the brokenhearted to save those crushed in spirit. Break our hearts for what breaks Yours and give us deep compassion not just in words but in our actions.

We need Your wisdom as much as we need Your comfort. We want to be a people who reflect You in all things. We long for Your righteous ways to prevail. Help our leaders and churches and communities respond to the crisis in our land. Turn our hearts to You and align our minds and hearts to Yours.

We come to You humbly and repentant over the sin in our land and the sin in my own life. Forgive us Lord. Heal us Lord. Comfort us and draw us to You. You are our hope. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The post Communal Lament in Tragedy, Disaster or Injustice appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

God Welcomes Your Hard Emotions

Do my emotions matter to God? Let’s see why we don’t have to fake like everything’s fine with God. God welcomes your hard emotions.

One of the myths busted early in grief is the idea that there are five stages – as if they are nice and tidy, coming sequentially one after another.

No one I know has experienced grief that way. Instead, grief is a messy mix of all kinds of emotions, all at once and often conflicting. These are hard emotions like sadness, regret, frustration, anger, loneliness, despair, guilt, fear and confusion.

These emotions unsettle us. In the months after Dan died, I felt gutted out and carried the raw, hollow pain of loss with me throughout my day. Normal errands and ordinary routines became a minefield of triggers that screamed, this is your life now!

I was grief naïve. If you’re new to grief, you may be wondering if what you’re feeling is normal. Is it okay to feel like this? Should I be doing better by now? Will I ever feel better?

And the emotions of grief are so intense. The only relief I found from the constant heaviness was sleep. I’m quite sure someone or many someones were praying for me because every night that first year, I went to bed exhausted and pretty quickly fell into a fast sleep.

But the next morning? It was Groundhog Day all over again. The heavy despair I’d escaped the night before settled back over me like an x-ray blanket.

The emotions of shattering loss are often called “negative emotions” but that connotes that they’re bad. While they may be unwanted, they’re absolutely a normal part of grief. I prefer calling them hard emotions.

Hard emotions aren’t signs that we’re handling our hurt all wrong but indicators we’re responding to circumstances gone wrong.

These raw emotions are brutal, and we often want to escape or fast forward through them. I knew God would be faithful to me in our loss, that He would meet my needs as a newly single mom, give me wisdom to raise my seven children and would even one day heal our broken hearts. But the work of processing my excruciating emotions was exhausting. I wanted to be healed — not healing. I longed to fast-forward through the pain and emotions pulling me under day after excruciating day.

But there is no fast-forwarding through grief. There are no shortcuts through deep loss and there is no bypassing the stew of hard emotions that come with it.

If we don’t deal with hard emotions on our terms now, they will come back on their terms later.

We can’t stuff our pain or mask it or (heaven help us) self-medicate it if we want to move forward well.

The only way to deal with the hard emotions is to meet them head on and process through them.

And that’s where it gets tricky because when was the last time you welcomed these kinds of hard emotions? Our culture schools us to get rid of hard emotions as quickly as possible. Instead of being taught how to handle pain, our culture more often dismisses it. Get over it, we’re told. Stop crying, we say (and sadly, I taught my own children this before I knew better).

So most of us learn to cry into our pillows, to suck it up buttercup and to will our way through sadness. But the emotions of shattering loss are too much to bear alone. We can’t just suck it up and move on.

Where do we go with our hard emotions?

While we may be uncomfortable with hard emotions, God is not. God who created us and designed us fearfully and wonderfully, designed us with emotions.

We were made to think and do and feel.

We don’t have to fake that everything is fine with God. God understands our difficult feelings and He makes space for them.

Our emotions are not just safe with God. They are safest with God.

They don’t surprise Him or put Him off. Nor does God gives us a timetable for our pain.

No, it’s not our heavy emotions that are an issue but what we do with them.

Where do we go with our hard emotions?

Straight to God. God welcomes your hard emotions. We can bring our most honest, brutal emotions and lay them before God. We don’t have to stuff them or mask them or fake them.

This was a daily process for me. Every morning, after getting up, I’d get my kids started for the day and then I’d get alone with the Lord. In the quiet of my mini-van, I could cry out audibly, pray through my hard questions and journal out my feelings and fears.

I could unburden my heart with emotions too heavy to carry alone and give them to God.

All through the Word, but especially in the Psalms, we see people bringing their hard emotions to God.

Hannah did this as she grieved years of infertility and her unmet longing for a child.David did this as he endured the unjust wrath of Saul and the betrayal of his own son.Jesus did this as he grieved the cup of suffering he would bear at the cross.

God never rebuked them or dismissed them for wrestling through these hard emotions. Instead, scripture gives space for them and gives us the model of taking our hard emotions to God.  

Friend, you were not designed to bear the weight of death. Or divorce. Or disease. Or the kinds of devastation this world can dish up.

You don’t have to bottle up or bear your emotions alone. God welcomes your hard emotions as He walks with you in deep loss toward hope.

“With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him.” Psalm 142:1-2 (ESV)

The post God Welcomes Your Hard Emotions appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

Get a FREE Signed Bookplate!

Life Can Be Good Again Releases Tomorrow!

My book Life Can Be Good Again: Putting Your World Back Together After It All Falls Apart will be on bookshelves and doorsteps tomorrow! And today I have some fun news. Some of you have asked about getting signed copies of the book so I created something special. For the first 100 people to email me your book order and mailing address, I’ll send a free signed bookplate in the mail! You can stick this inside the front cover of your book when it arrives.

If you’ve been thinking about ordering, today is the day to order!

*You’ll get the exclusive preorder bonus gift — Your Braving the Broken Starter Kit has six episodes of content not in the book plus the 20-page workbook with reflection questions, a 100 list and 50 journaling prompts.

*If you’re one of the first 100 people to email me, you’ll get the signed book plate in the mail from me.

*It’s in stock and if you order now, most retailers strive to deliver it on release day.

THANK YOU so much for supporting the launch of Life Can Be Good Again! It means the world and it makes a huge difference in marketing and sales. When you preorder, you tell book retailers to keep this book on the shelves and in stores so others can find the book.

How to Get a Free Signed Book Plate From Me:

1. Pre-order a copy of Life Can Be Good Again: Putting Your World Back Together After It All Falls Apart from any retailer. (If you pre-ordered anytime, you qualify!)

2. Email a copy of your invoice to lisa.appelo@gmail.com — take a screenshot or simply forward the invoice.

3. Include your mailing address (anywhere! This is not limited to the US but is open to any country) and the name of the person you want me to put on the book plate.

4. That’s it! I’ll send out signed bookplates to the first 100 people who email me their invoice and mailing address!

5. Be sure to also to complete this form on the Life Can Be Good Again book page (scroll down) to get your FREE preorder bonus gift: Your Braving the Broken Starter Kit.

The post Get a FREE Signed Bookplate! appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

When God Seems Silent: What Holy Saturday Teaches

The silence of scripture that Saturday after crucifixion for his disciples is profound.

How they must have grieved. How they must have replayed the sudden turn of events that led to their utterly shattered hearts. To their devastated dreams and unimaginable disappointment.

Could they even eat? Had they slept at all?

I wonder what thoughts were on repeat in their despair. I can’t believe this has happened. Never in a thousand days did I see this coming.

We prayed so hard after after his arrest. We prayed for mercy. Why did God let this happen? He could have done something. Why did He stay silent?

Maybe you’ve had your own shattered Saturday wondering why God stayed silent when you prayed your guts out.

​I know I have. That early morning as paramedics worked on Dan, I paced the living room outside our bedroom door begging God out loud for mercy. Please have mercy on us, I prayed. We need your mercy, Lord.

I prayed with my kids as they huddled together crying audibly in the boys’ room. I prayed in the car on the way to the ER and I prayed my eyeballs out in that pin-drop quiet waiting room.

And yet, God did not spare Dan.

Instead, I kissed him one last time, memorizing every feature of the face I’d loved since I was 16, slipped his wedding band off and turned to head home and tell our children their Dad was now in heaven.​

You could have done something, God.

When God doesn’t answer the way we want — the way we know He could — it’s easy to think God has stayed silent to our prayers.

But we can’t mistake God’s silence for God’s indifference.

God may be answering our prayer in a way wholly different than we wanted and holy different than we imagined.

My prayer for mercy? God has answered that prayer over and over since Dan died. As I write this a few years out from that traumatic morning, I can see all the big and little ways God answered my prayer.​

God’s mercy came through the hands and feet of family and friends who sat with us in grief. His mercy came through casseroles and coaches and those who showed up for years to cheer on my kids. His mercy was in the incredible ways He’s provided for us, the wisdom He’s given me to single parent, the pockets of joy right in the midst of our hard. His mercy came as tears of comfort and grace that sustained moment by moment.

God wasn’t silent. His mercy didn’t come the way I wanted — by sparing Dan’s life — but the way He willed to rescue me again and again and again through grueling heartache.​

God wasn’t silent on that Saturday after crucifixion either.

God was doing something. In that intentional space between Friday and Sunday, God was doing something that far surpassed what they could possibly imagine.

God is doing something for you too.

Maybe you’re in a space of waiting. A space of holding deep grief or tender hope. Maybe you’ve held it longer than you ever thought you’d have to.

Don’t mistake God’s silence for God’s indifference. God may be answering your prayer in a way wholly different than you wanted and holy different than you imagined.

Trust that the One who brought good from the unexpected pain of Jesus’ death can bring good from your unexpected circumstance as well.

*This post is based on an excerpt from my new book Life Can Be Good Again: Putting Your World Back Together After It All Falls Apart. ​

Only 3 Days Left

Only 3 days left to preorder Life Can Be Good Again and get the FREE bonus gift I created exclusively for you: Your Braving the Broken Starter Kit.

When you preorder, you’ll get lifetime access to all six episodes + the 20-page workbook, 100 list and 50 journal prompts. But, you must claim the bonus by midnight Monday.

Plus when you preorder, you’ll have it on release day (most retailers deliver on release day).

If you know you want to order, now is the best time because it’s in stock, you get the preorder bonus AND you hugely support the book itself.

The post When God Seems Silent: What Holy Saturday Teaches appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

Trusting King Jesus When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

Are we trusting King Jesus when life doesn’t go as planned? Or like the crowd at the Triumphal Entry, do we want a king of our own making? Let’s drop in on them for a bit…

The crowd gathered, jostling for a spot along the dusty road. Already the city was crowded with pilgrims and scores of religious elites who’d come up for the Passover.

But now, as word spread about the miracle, the crowds grew even more. The Teacher had brought a man back to life after he’d been dead three days. Was it true? Some kind of sign? What kind of man could do this?

The kind of man who could do something for them.

The kind of man who might finally throw off the oppression of Rome. The kind of man who could give them a miracle too and heal their sick one, fix their impossible.

People lined the street, chattering with anticipation. Children played with the palmed fronds their parents had cut on the way, pausing to crane every now and again to see who would catch the first glimpse of the Teacher coming down the mount.

Soon enough, he came into view, sitting atop a small colt. A cluster of men and women went ahead of him and another followed. He wasn’t dressed like a king. He didn’t even look rich. But still the excitement grew as he neared the city.

Men threw their cloaks on the road as homage to this one they would make king. Fathers lifted little ones to their shoulders so they could see while other children now fanned their palm branches in celebration. With jubilant voices, the crowd joined together in praise —

“Hosanna! Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord!”

What a glorious moment bursting with hope. Surely, this was a sign of good times. That God in visiting His people would usher in blessing upon blessing. And that this King, who had healed the sick, cast out demons, made the lame walk, given sight to the blind and now raised a man from the dead – this King could do so much for them.

I think of these men and women harboring deep needs, painful losses, chronic suffering, weary hearts with the expectancy that Jesus would take it all away and I wonder —

Have I too made Jesus a king to do my bidding?

Within the week, this crowd would completely turn when it turned out Jesus wouldn’t wield his power like they wanted him to. Lest we think we’re all that different, let’s run through a few test scenarios.

When we don’t get the life we ordered, do we make a mental record that God’s let us down?
When life implodes in loss, will we still trust that God is good and is doing good right now?
When the miracle we’ve prayed for doesn’t come, will we accuse our King for not wielding his power like we wanted him to?

The crowd wanted a king to satisfy their world when Christ came to save the world.

Jesus loves us too much to let us settle for a king of our own making. While he certainly could wield his power to give us the life we ordered and the miracle we crave, he’s given us something far, far better.

He’s given his very life for ours. His righteousness for our sin-stained soul. His inheritance for our poverty. His right to eternal life in place of the death we deserve.

Jesus, we esteem you as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We bow our knee to you and ask you to realign our heart to yours. When we don’t understand your ways, help us to trust you. When our prayer isn’t answered, help us to wait for you. When we’re walking through the hard place, help us to endure with you. In your name we pray, Amen.

The post Trusting King Jesus When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

How to Help Children Through Grief

How to help children through grief? As parents, we want to fix things for our kids and keep them from experiencing pain. But as much as we’d like to, we can’t fix their grief. We can, however, give them tools and cues and help as they navigate the deep pain they never wanted.

Helping my children through their grief is something I never expected to be part of parenting. And yet, our children are growing up in a hurting world. By the time a child reaches 18 years old, one in five will have experienced the loss of a grandparent, sibling, parent, or friend.*

That means it’s not only parents who are helping children through grief, but coaches, teachers, youth leaders and others are very likely dealing with kids who have suffered a deep loss.

My own experience in this came after my huusband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I became a widow and single mom to our seven children. The youngest two were four and six years old, I had tween and teen boys of 12, 14 and 16 years old, and my oldest were 17 and 19 years old.

Their grief looked different than mine and they each grieved differently. It affected their schooling, their interests and hobbies, their friendships and the rhythm of our home.

Excruciating as my grief has been, seeing my children in pain has been harder still. This is not the childhood I would have chosen for them. And yet, before they were even in my womb, God knew this would be my children’s story. 

So as a mom, it’s become one of my chief purposes to help my children grieve well. I see my role not only to love them in their loss, but to help them process their grief and grow through it. Here are a few ways I’ve found to help children through grief. 

1. Give each other grace to grieve.

Days after Dan’s memorial service, the kids and I gathered on couches and chairs in the family room. It was our normal morning Bible time, but I first needed to address our churning emotions. We’re going to need to give each other grace to grieve, I announced. Grief looks different for each of us. Children grieve differently than adults, teens grieve differently than preschoolers and girls grieve differently than boys. 

I didn’t hide my sadness from my kids. They saw me cry as we did Bible time each morning, recalled stories of their dad and faced new tasks together. My children’s emotions often surfaced at inopportune times. My teen daughter would invariably need to talk just as I was dragging myself to bed and my four-year-old broke down every day for well over a year saying she missed her dad. Grace to grieve, I told myself, and each time I stopped what I was doing to enter the conversation on their terms.

2. Create a safe space for hard questions.

I was surprised when my three older kids approached me the night after my husband’s death, wanting to know if we had enough money. It was a real fear for them. Sitting down together, I gave them enough information to assure them we’d be okay without disclosing every financial detail. 

Grief triggers other hard questions and even young kids often understand more than we think. Will you die too, mom? Will I die young like dad? Why didn’t God answer my prayer? I answered honestly with the information that child could handle. We looked up scripture and trusted God with questions scripture doesn’t answer. 

3. Make sure they aren’t avoiding grief.

Grief is excruciating. The emotions of loss — sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, longing, regret, despair, envy and more — are heavy and hard. They unsettle us and we often don’t know what to do with these emotions.

But trying to mask, escape or fast forward through the pain will not let us off the hook of grief. If we don’t grieve on our terms now, grief will come back on its terms later. So it’s super important to help our children through their hard emotions. Processing grief takes time. It will take your listening ear.

Your teen will likely want to talk when you’re exhausted and headed to bed. Your preschoolers will want the same conversation over and over. They are each processing their grief on their terms and it’s our job, as parents, to be as available as possible. You may also want to seek out a Biblical counselor, grief support group (Griefshare for children for example) or a grief camp to help your children talk through their loss.

4. Understand that children grieve differently than adults.

Children grieve differently than adults. Toddlers grieve differently than teens. Girls grieve differently than boys. Children grieve differently than adults. Each loss is different, the relationships are different and the personalities are different. The way our children grieve will depend on their ages and stages.

Preschoolers are very concrete. They can’t understand the permanency of death or the nature of heaven. They may ask lots of questions or share about their loss with a stranger. It’s important to keep addressing their need to know depsite the awkward conversations, hard questions or repetitive comments.

Children will often grieve in spurts. One moment, they will play with friends like everything’s normal or go right back to school, but in the quiet of your home or at bedtime, they may open up about their sadness. Their grief may show up in their grades, inattentiveness, sleep, eating, mood swings or a loss of passions like sports or music. Help them understand that grief affects us cognitively, emotionally and physically and that it’s normal to feel these things. I also assured my children that they wouldn’t always feel like this.

I found my tweens and teen boys wanted to go back to life as normal. Now, it wasn’t normal, but they didn’t want to be singled out at church or in sports at that kids whose dad had died. I think their time at church, with friends and on the field became a refuge from the hard emotions and massive change in loss. But a teacher, coach, friend and parent who can give an atta-boy or keep the conversation open serves them as they continue to process their loss.

My teen daughter was very open about her emotions and all the brutal change we were navigating. She expressed the most and wanted to talk most often. As a parent, it can be a lot because you’re also probably navigating you’re own grief. I didn’t do this perfectly but I tried my best to be available. Youth leaders and compassionate friends were also super helpful to listen and let her know they were there for her.

5. Keep the conversation open.

Children will often grow into grief as they age and understand both the permanency of death and the full nature of a father, mom, grandparent or sibling. “Oh, that’s what a father does,” I’ve sensed my youngest realizing as dads hand their daughters post-recital bouquets or she sees pictures of friends at the daddy-daughter dance.

I’ve tried to keep an ongoing conversation. After the first couple months, my kids rarely talked about their feelings or cried openly, though research tells us children think about their deceased parent daily. I’ve read kids don’t want to make it harder on the grieving parent.

Telling stories about their dad became a great way to keep an open conversation. We also watched a few grief videos at home and read books on heaven and loss together. I would sometimes put into words what is obvious in the moment – dad would have loved watching your game tonight or I know it was hard doing that without your dad. 

6. Provide a Biblical context for suffering.

While the suffering that comes with loss would never be our first choice for our children, it’s an opportunity to teach them foundational Biblical truths that will serve them their entire lives. In a world obsessed with itself, our kids need to know this world is not our home. Suffering is a stark reminder that we live in a fallen world and our only hope is Christ. Death reminds us that a life of any measure is short but that being about our Father’s business can make it deep.  

It’s an opportunity to help our children grow in compassion. In their own pain, we can help them see others around them who are also hurting. As God comforts them in this loss, they will be able to reach out to others and comfort them. Scripture tells us God is the “Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

7. Let books help with grief.

Books are a great way to help our children understand some of the hard concepts in loss. They also keep the conversation going and open a way for children to process their loss as you read together.

We’ve long been a read-aloud family, and after Dan died I used both picture and chapter books to help my children in their grief. Some books talked about loss directly, while others were fictional or biographical stories of families who’d suffered a loss and were continuing to thrive as a family.

These are some of my favorite books for children’s grief. Some of them share about heaven or loss and some talk more generally about the nature of suffering for the believer. I can’t recommend enough using books to help children through grief.

Suffering is not the childhood I would have chosen for my kids. My prayer has been that my children and I won’t just accept God’s will but that we will agree with it. That we will agree God is right and good and that He has used what threatened to undo us to shape us as his own. 

*Children’s Grief Awareness Day

The post How to Help Children Through Grief appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

When You Wish Upon Misplaced Hope

“Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” ( Romans 5:5, NKJV )

How long O Lord, how long? I sighed silently, curling into my pillow and pulling the comforter tight around me.

I closed my eyes to sleep but my thoughts stayed on overdrive. I’d prayed so hard for so long for God to bring something about. I admit I’d given God a timeline—ample time to answer my prayer. And yet here I was tucking myself into bed years later with no evidence I was any closer to God giving me a yes.

I’d tried not to become obsessed with this heart’s desire. I’d thrown myself into ministry and parenting. I’d formed new plans and dreams. Some days were so full I didn’t have time to think about my longing. Other days, I thought about it but felt content enough to hold it loosely, trusting God whether He chose to fulfill it or not.

But sometimes, like in the quiet of this night, the longing returned with a mocking ache. I’d tried my best to surrender it to God and now it seemed He had no plans to give it back.

“Now hope does not disappoint,” I’d often heard quoted. But my hope now seemed dead-ended in disappointment.

The next morning, I looked these words up in my Bible and read the full passage. The key verse from Romans 5:5 says, “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” The preceding verses give more context. Romans 5:3-4 tells us we can rejoice in trials (not in our heart’s desires) because they produce perseverance which leads to genuine faith which then produces hope.

This isn’t a birthday wish kind of hope that God will give us what we want. This hope, produced by persevering in suffering, is a confident expectation of all we have in Jesus. It’s hope that God’s infinite love is enough no matter our circumstances.

I felt aching disappointment because I’d misplaced my hope. Our hope cannot be rooted in an outcome, a timeline or any other person. Only hope anchored in Jesus will never disappoint us.

I needed to re-align where I was placing my hope. Only that could re-align my disappointed heart.

So, I began praying a new prayer. “Help me want You, Lord, more than I want ____________.” It’s a prayer God always answers and God has steadily replaced my longing with a calm contentment for life as it is right now.

Have you misplaced your hope in an outcome, a timeline, or a person? If so, start asking God to help you want Him more than you want anything else. It’s a prayer God delights in answering yes!

Dear God, help me surrender this deep longing and instead be completely satisfied in the fullness of Your love, no matter my circumstances. I put my hope in You alone who will never disappoint. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

The post When You Wish Upon Misplaced Hope appeared first on Lisa Appelo.