Lisa Appelo's Blog, page 4

7 Ways to Manage Grief at Milestones

The last few weeks have been one big milestone after another for my high school senior — and me. His last high school exam, his final thesis presentation, his last day of high school followed by his graduation ceremony, senior banquet and graduation Sunday at church.

Watching my children flourish after loss fills me to the full. Yet I’ve come to see that each major life event holds both celebration and grief for us. The end of school is filled with these milestone moments — sports banquets, dance recitals, school plays, church musicals and band concerts.

Our family will celebrate lasts and firsts this summer. The last of high school for one son and a first baby for another son and his wife.

Celebrating major milestones hits different when you dearly miss someone you’d love to celebrate them with.

I want to share seven ways I’ve learned to navigate the milestone days and the grief they often trigger.

7 ways to manage grief at milestones of life  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌1. Be aware grief is part of the celebration.

Anticipating that grief may be with us as we celebrate means we won’t get caught off guard. And understanding grief can be part of milestone moments reassures us it’s normal.

No matter how long it’s been, we will miss our spouse or child, our parent or sibling, our grandparent or friend even in the best celebrations of life. Especially in the best mot’s okay to both celebrate with joy and miss the one we’d love to celebrate with.

2. Ask a friend to pray specifically for this.

Our friends want to help but they often don’t know how. Ask a friend to pray for you and your child as you walk through this milestone. Scripture promises the “earnest prayer of a righteous man has great power and wonderful results.” (James 5:16, NLT)

Knowing we’re held in prayer as we celebrate and grieve is a comfort. And only heaven will reveal how God uses those prayers of friends to help us navigate loss that would otherwise crush us.

3. Give your child words their loved one would have given them.

Our family is far enough into our grief journey that we no longer talk about missing Dan every day like we did in our early grief. But I can assure you, grief is always right below the surface. And on the big days, it fully surfaces.

Because grief unspoken is grief untended, putting words to what we’re all feeling is like a deep exhale.

On the big milestone days, I tell my children what their dad would have told them. I say things like, “Your dad would be so proud of you, Son. I know you miss him,” or “I love watching you dance and your dad would have the biggest smile in the room watching you.”

Speaking words of affirmation on behalf of our loved one blesses our children and our loved one. They “fall like rain and … descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.” (Deut. 32:2)

4. Make space for your child’s grief.

Giving our child the words their loved one would have given them also opens the door for them to talk about their grief. They may simply need permission to feel loss on a celebration day. But they may also want to share what they’ve been feeling so it’s not all bottled up.

As I’ve navigated my kids through grief, these conversations have been important windows into how they’re processing loss. We don’t have to force a conversation. But making space for grief lets our children know it’s okay to hold both joy and sorrow at the same time.

5. Fully embrace the celebration.

In early grief, it’s tough to celebrate when your heart’s broken. Two weeks after Dan went to heaven, my daughter turned 18 and, devastated as we were, she wanted to celebrate her milestone day. As I watched her with her friends that night, I caught myself smiling. It felt like the first little deposit on the joy ahead for us if we’d do the hard work of grief.

Even in grief, we’re putting down memories we’ll look back on one day. We’re helping to create the childhood for our children. We’ll want to remember how we cherished their awards banquet, their dance recital or their graduation. These celebrations are pockets of joy that give us hope that life can be good again.

6. Give a sentimental gift.

Milestones are a great time to give our child a special keepsake to honor their loved one. It may be something our loved one owned like a piece of jewelry or pocketknife. It might be a new framed photo of our child with their loved one or something made from their clothing. It could also be a keepsake made with a scripture verse, their initials or their signature like a locket, bracelet or dog tag chain.

We’ve done this a few ways. For graduation, my senior wore his dad’s dress watch. I’ve also had each of our sons choose one pair of Dan’s cufflinks when they get engaged to wear for their wedding. This year, I’m putting together several photos of my daughter and her dad to give her after her dance recital.

7. Watch for the day-afters.

There are times I’ve sailed through big milestone days only to get hit with big emotions the day after. The busyness of the celebration, being with people and the happiness of the event distract from a full hit of grief. Our resolve can steel us for the event and our adrenaline carries us through.

But the day after? That’s sometimes when it hits hardest. If you wake exhausted, depleted and emotionally tanked, it’s called an emotional hangover and it’s not ucommon. Our children may experience it as well. I’ve learned to set aside time after a big milestone day or season to process, rest and refill.

I’m so grateful loss doesn’t consign us to a world of linear sadness. Instead of either/or, two things can be true at once. Milestone moments remind us we live in the both/and — where we can mine all the joy of life’s beautiful celebrations while also grieving the one we so love who’s not celebrating here with us.

The post 7 Ways to Manage Grief at Milestones appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

10 Ways to Draw Near to God in Suffering

Intimacy with God is the deepest comfort in pain. How can we draw near to God in suffering? Scripture tells us when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. (James 4:8)

After Dan died, God’s presence was nearly palpable. I was in constant conversation with Him, His counsel came with razor clarity and His comfort was real.

But what if God feels distant in your suffering? Remember that God’s presence is based on His character, not our feelings. Psalm 34:18 promises that God is close to the brokenhearted and that’s true whether we sense it or not.

We have confidence to draw near to God “that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16) We may not have chosen our circumstances, but we have the choice in them to draw closer to God even when it feels spiritually dry.

How do we do this practically? Lean into these10 practices to draw close to God in suffering and grief.

1. Draw near to God through His Word.

God reveals Himself in scripture. The Bible isn’t just a book to learn about God, but a book to encounter God. The Bible is alive and active, and God uses our time reading it to convict us, guide us, point us to truth, answer prayer and transform our thinking.

Paul knew the value of studying the Bible and encouraged Timothy, his young charge, to continue studying the Scriptures which he’d done since his youth. “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work,” (2 Timothy 3:16)

2. Draw near to God through gratitude.

Gratitude opens our eyes to all God is doing in us and around us. It helps us become content and trust God rather than groaning against Him. We’re to give thanks in all circumstances, even in circumstances that are hard or painful.

Jesus modeled a life of gratitude. Before feeding over 5,000 with 2 fish and 5 loaves, Jesus gave God thanks. (John 6:11) Before raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus gave God thanks he would be heard. (John 11:41) Jesus even thanked God on the night he was arrested.  First Corinthians 11:23-24 says “the Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, ‘This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.’” Cultivating intentional gratitude helps us draw close to God.

3. Draw near to God through lament.

Lament is taking our hard emotions and hard questions to God, leaving them there and choosing to trust God’s character and promises for us. We don’t have to hide our emotions or fake that we’re fine. God who made us, made us with emotions. Our emotions are not just safe with God; they are safest with God.

Lament is the modeled all through scripture. Hannah lamented to God in deep grief over her infertility and barrenness. Job lamented to God, Jeremiah lamented to God and Moses lamented to God. Fully one-third of the Psalms are psalms of lament. These psalms show how David took his diffilculties and emotions to God in lament throughout his life.

Lament is a practice that helps us draw near to God when we’re experiencing hard emotions and hard questions.

4. Draw near to God through prayer.

Jesus often got away by himself for regular prayer. (Luke 5:16) He spent whole nights in prayer and prayed intensely before and after crucial events. Before calling the 12 apostles, Jesus spent the night in prayer. Before Jesus was arrested, tried and crucified, he spent time in vigorous prayer. And after feeding the 5,000, Jesus went up to a mountain alone to pray.

The power and intimacy of Jesus’ prayer life must have caught his apostles’ attention because the only thing they ever asked Jesus to teach them was how to pray. (Luke 11:1) Jesus never let busyness or pressing need keep him from prayer, an example for us if we also want intimacy with God.

5. Draw near to God through journaling.

Journaling helps us process our suffering. It allows us unburden our heart from the heavy emotions weighing us down and untangle thoughts that would otherwise play on a continuous loop. Especially for those of us who are external processors, journaling helps us figure things out as we write.

Whether you are Bible journaling to help you study or grief journaling to help you process your loss, science backs the enormous benefits of journaling. Bible journaling helps us slow down in Bible study to record what God is teaching us through scripture and make application to our daily walk. It provides a place for regular confession, for recording prayer requests and answers, or for writing out key passages we want to meditate on.

Grief journaling is enormously helpful for processing loss. It provides a safe place to work through emotions, helps lower stress and boosts our mood. You can find 50 grief journal prompts to get started here.

6. Draw near to God through praise.

The day Dan died, our house filled with friends and family. I’ll never forget one dear friend working in my kitchen saying, “We need worship music” as she popped a CD into the player. Another friend later urged me to come and listen as my children and their friends were upstairs singing and playing guitars in worship.

Worship helps us draw near to God when we don’t have words. It reminds us of God’s truth when circumstances are screaming different. It fixes our eyes on Him when we can’t see a way through. And it renews our hope as we anchor into God’s promises. Create a worship playlist or use this one I created of songs to comfort in grief. You can find it on Spotify here.

7. Draw near to God by tackling our thoughts.

Our thoughts are one of the chief battlegrounds when we’re in a place of suffering or grief. Fear, worry, doubt, regret, anger, bitterness and despair can paralyze us from moving forward. We need to take every thought captive to God’s truth by letting God’s Word be louder than anything else we hear.

It’s a daily exchange of our thoughts for God’s thoughts. Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.” We can do that by getting into God’s Word consistently and carefully choosing what we listen to, read and view. These 31 Christian affirmations rooted in scripture are great reminders of God’s truth for us.

8. Draw near to God through regular rest.

Rest is a gift from God. He’s given us permission to push pause on busyness and distractions that keep us from Him, to refill and refresh. I’ve come to love Sundays where I get to rest, nap or otherwise take it easy after church. Making sure I get a regular Sabbath rest has made a world of difference for the rest of my week.

Grief is exhausting. It takes enormous physical, mental, cognitive and emotional bandwidth. Grief fatigue is a real thing and we can’t fix it simply by getting more sleep. Dr. Saundra Dalton Smith says there are seven kinds of exhaustion and seven kinds of rest we need.

9. Draw near to God through time outside.

God’s creation helps us draw close to Him. Even as I write this, I can hear several different kinds of birds chirping and calling, a reminder that if God cares for the sparrow, then He cares for us as well. (Matt. 6:26) We see God’s glory in nature, from the singular design of a roadside dandelion to the roaring majesty of a rushing waterfall. Our Creator who holds the world together can hold our heart together as well.

My near daily walks don’t just get my blood pumping; they refresh my soul. Experiencing the wonder of a freshly-spun web stretched across my favorite trail, a summer sun shower that stops as suddenly as it starts, or the day’s sun sinking through a cotton-candy sky moves my focus from my circumstances to God over my circumstances. It’s a reminder that I’m not the center of this story, that God is working in ways I can’t begin to fathom, and that this world, glorious as it is, is not my home.

10. Draw near to God through community.

We were not meant to live isolated. The enemy knows how important meaningful fellowship with godly friends and a church family are and works overtime to keep us from them. Maybe you’ve been hurt by someone at church and you’ve stayed away. Maybe you can’t find a church that fits or you’ve let an online service take the place of in-person fellowship. While we don’t need a church service to worship God, godly fellowship is irreplaceable.

If we’re not part of a church community, we miss opportunities to use our spiritual gifts and benefit from the spiritual gifts of others. We miss how God is working in this present age through His church. We miss the accountability of community and sweet fellowship with others who live and love differently than the world.

Taking any of these 10 practices to draw near to God may feel clunky or mechanical at first. But when we intentionally take steps to become closer to God, God will reveal Himself through scripture, prayer, worship and community.

Like the psalmist we can say, “it is good to be near God, I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.” (Psalm 73:28)

The post 10 Ways to Draw Near to God in Suffering appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

Will God Give Us Too Much to Handle? 7 Principles and 7 Examples

There’s a story pop culture likes to tell us. It says, you got this. If you’ll dig down a little deeper, you can drum up the grit to push through. If you just work harder and just get braver, you can do that hard thing.

Yeah, you got this, the story goes.

Scripture shows us a different story. God’s Word says apart from Jesus, not only do we not have this, we have nothing. “…for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

Will God give us too much to handle? Biblical examples of multiple faith giants show God does allow circumstances in our lives that are too much for us to handle.

People may mean well when they cheer you got this. But it’s not rooted in Biblical truth.

We weren’t created for independence or self-sufficiency. God created us for total dependency on Him in all things. Suffering reveals where we’ve nurtured the idol of self-sufficiency.

There’s not enough moxie in the heartiest to handle excruciating losses like the death of a child or spouse or parent. Grit won’t carry you through chronic illness or unwanted divorce. You can’t just try harder when a business fails or depression sets in.

Why does God allow circumstances that are too much for us?

Let’s look at seven principles from seven examples in scripture where people encountered circumstances too hard to handle.

7 principles and 7 examples in the Bible of circumstances too much to handle

1. Moses

Moses encountered several situations that were too much to handle. In fact, he got in trouble trying to manhandle an issue too big for him, instead of trusting it to God. Moses killed an Egyptian mistreating a fellow Hebrew and then had to run for his life, hiding on the backside of the desert for 40 years.

When God called Moses to lead Israel out of slavery, Moses argued he couldn’t do it. He doubted the Israelites would obey him, contended his speech issues disqualified him and finally begged God: “Please, Lord, send someone else.” (Ex. 4:13)

Moses was again stretched beyond his ability during the wilderness wandering. The Hebrews were serial complainers, complaining about water, the leadership, not having meat and only having manna to eat. Moses lamented to God: “I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Nu 11:14-15)

God provided Aaron to help Moses stand against Pharaoh and later provided 70 elders to help him lead the Hebrews.

Principle: We need not wait until we’re absolutely tapped out to ask God for help because God has the help we need all along.

2. Gideon

Gideon first appears in scripture hiding in a winepress. The angel of the Lord appeared, calling him “mighty man of valor” and instructing him to free Israel from its Midianite oppressors. The Midianites were massive in number and ruthless in tactic.

Gideon immediately replied this task was too hard for him. “Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.”

God’s response? “I will be with you.” (Judges 6:16)

Twice, God whittled down Gideon’s fighting force – from 32,000 men to 300. This small force led by Gideon, a farmer, would face off against an army too numerous to count.

It was an impossible task too big for Gideon to handle.

But God never intended for Gideon to handle it. God would fight for the Hebrews. When Gideon and his men stood against their enemies, they had a torch in one hand and trumpet in the other. They weren’t even holding their swords! God caused the enemy forces to turn on each other and when the remaining remnant fled, Gideon and his men captured and killed them.  

Principle: God may put us in circumstances too hard for us to handle because if we could handle it, we’d be tempted to steal God’s glory. (Judges 7:2)

3. David

David, the valiant warrior and faithful king, faced circumstances that were too much for him. “I am poured out like water…my heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me. My mouth is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death.” (Psalm 22:14)

David could have penned these words in one of many overwhelming situations. He was completely unmatched as he went one-on-one against Goliath, the 10-foot giant and seasoned warrior who terrified every soldier in Saul’s army.

He ran for his life from Saul for years, always trying to keep one step ahead of Saul’s army and any potential betrayers. Later, he was forced to run from his own son as Absalom tried to overthrow the kingdom.

David counted on God alone to deliver him in each situation and when God brought peace from every enemy, David wrote:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. (2 Sam. 22:17-20)

Principle: God may allow circumstances too hard for us to handle because only when we need rescued can we find God our Rescuer.

4. Jehoshaphat

This is a story that strengthened me in the overwhelm of grief and sudden solo-parenting of my seven children. King Jehoshaphat learned a vast army was mounting an unprovoked attack against Judah. He went to the temple to plead for God’s help: “For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” (2 Chron. 20:12)

Ever been there? Powerless to fix your situation and clueless how to move forward?

God told Jehoshaphat not to be afraid or discouraged. “For the battle is not yours, but God’s…Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem.” (2 Chron. 20:15-17)

The next morning, God set an ambush and when Jehoshaphat’s army crested the hill, they saw a battlefield littered only with dead bodies. Not one enemy escaped. And to top it off, there was so much plunder it took three days to cart it to Jerusalem.

Principle: God may allow us to face circumstances too hard to handle so we fix our focus on Him.

5. Elijah

The prophet Elijah was a bold prophet in Israel when King Ahab, the most wicked king ever to sit on Israel’s throne, ruled. Ahab was a murderous, power-hungry king who married his equal—Jezebel, the daughter of a pagan priest-king of Baal. Together, Ahab and Jezebel slaughtered as many of God’s prophets as they could and led Israel into flagrant idol worship.

Elijah was no featherweight. He faced down Ahab and prophesied three years of famine because of Ahab’s evil, he depended on God to provide for him while in hiding, he prayed and raised a widow’s son back to life and then he powerfully challenged eight hundred prophets of Baal on the summit of Mount Carmel to prove God was the only true God.

But when Jezebel threatened to kill Elijah, it was too much. Elijah fled to the wilderness and there, prayed for his death. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life.” (1 King 19:4, NIV) Elijah, the bold, brash man full of God’s power, had come to a place where circumstances were too much to handle.

God never shook his head disappointingly at Elijah or rebuked him for reaching a place of utter dependence. How did God respond? He sent his presence to be with him.

Principle: God may allow circumstances too hard for us to handle so we stop striving, become still and know that He is God.

6. Hagar

Hagar was Sarah’s slave and had a son Ishmael with Abraham. A few years after Isaac was born, Hagar and Ishmael were sent away. They wandered in the desert until their skin of water ran out. In a heartbreaking scene, Hagar left Ishmael under one bush and then sat down a bowshot away because she couldn’t bear to watch her son die and perhaps too, couldn’t bear to hear him cry.

Broken, rejected and absolutely hopeless, Hagar was unable to fix this for herself or her son.

Hagar may have been rejected by those she should have been able to count on, but she was never abandoned by God.

God assured her through an angel that He saw their pain. He reminded her of His promise to make Ishmael into a great nation and then met their need. God opened Hagar’s eyes and there in front of her, was a well of water.

Principle: God may allow circumstances too hard for us to handle so we realize He will never abandon us or forsake us.

7. Paul

As an apostle spreading the gospel among Hebrews and Roman gentiles, Paul suffered hardship after hardship that stretched him far past his human capacity to handle. Here’s his summary in Second Corinthians:

Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers;in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches. (2 Cor. 11:24-28)

On one missionary journey, Paul said he suffered “far beyond [his] ability to endure” and thought he would die. (2 Cor. 1:9) But this suffering was “the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally…”

Paul also dealt with a thorn in his flesh and begged God three times to remove it. God’s answer was to leave the thorn and provide His sustaining grace. Paul learned to boast not in his strength, but in his weakness, because that’s when the power of Christ rested on him. “When I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:10)

Principle: God allows circumstances too hard for us to handle so that in our utter weakness, we experience God’s power.

Let’s set aside the story that we got this and rest instead in complete dependence on God. This side of heaven, God will allow us to go through circumstances too hard to handle, but we can count on God to carry us, fight for us and provide for us in it.

The post Will God Give Us Too Much to Handle? 7 Principles and 7 Examples appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

Will God Give Us Too Much to Handle? 7 Biblical Examples

There’s a story pop culture likes to tell us. It says, you got this. If you’ll dig down a little deeper, you can drum up the grit to push through. If you just work harder and just get braver, you can do that hard thing.

Yeah, you got this, the story goes.

Scripture shows us another story. God’s Word says apart from Jesus, not only do we not have this, we got nothing. “…for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

Will God give us too much to handle? Biblical examples of even giants in the faith show God allows circumstances in our lives that are too much for us to handle.

People may mean well when they cheer you got this. But it’s not rooted in Biblical truth.

We weren’t created for independence or self-sufficiency. God created us for total dependency on Him in all things. Suffering reveals where we’ve nurtured the idol of self-sufficiency.

There’s not enough moxie in creation to handle excruciating losses like the death of a child or spouse or parent. Grit won’t carry you through chronic illness or unwanted divorce. You can’t just try harder when a business fails or depression sets in.

Let’s look at seven Biblical examples where God allowed people to face circumstances too hard to handle.

7 People in the Bible whose circumstances were too much to handle

1.Moses

Moses had such spiritual intimacy he was called the friend of God. Yet, Moses encountered several situations that were too much to handle. It was in trying to handle an issue too-big for him that he first got in trouble. Moses killed an Egyptian mistreating a fellow Hebrew and then had to run for his life, hiding on the backside of the desert for 40 years.

When God called Moses to lead Israel out of slavery, Moses argued he couldn’t do it. He doubted the Israelites would obey him, contended his speech issues disqualified him and finally begged God: “Please, Lord, send someone else.” (Ex. 4:13)

Moses was again stretched beyond his ability during the wilderness wandering. The Hebrews were serial complainers, complaining about water, the leadership, not having meat, and only having manna to eat. Moses lamented to God: “I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Nu 11:14-15)

Sometimes we wait until we’re absolutely tapped out to ask God for help when God had it all along. God provided Aaron to help Moses stand against Pharaoh and 70 elders to help him lead Israel.

2. Gideon

Gideon first appears in scripture hiding in a winepress. The angel of the Lord appeared, calling him “mighty man of valor” and instructing him to free Israel from its Midianite oppressors. The Midianites were massive in number and ruthless in tactics.

Gideon immediately replied this task was too hard for him. “Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.”

God’s response? “I will be with you.” (Judges 6:16)

God may put us in circumstances too hard for us because if we could handle it, we’d be tempted to steal God’s glory. (Judges 7:2) Twice, God whittled down Gideon’s fighting force – from 32,000 men to 300. This small force led by Gideon, a farmer, would face off against an army too numerous to count.

It was an impossible task and calling too big for Gideon to handle.

But God never intended for Gideon to handle it. God fought for the Hebrews. When Gideon and his men stood against their enemies, they had a torch in one hand and trumpet in the other. They weren’t even holding their swords! But God caused the enemy army to turn on each other and when the remaining remnant fled, Gideon and his men pursued, captured and killed them.  

3 . David

David, the valiant warrior and faithful king, faced circumstances too hard for him to handle. “I am poured out like water…my heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me. My mouth is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death.” (Psalm 22:14)

David could have penned these words in one of many overwhelming situations. He was completely unmatched as he went one-on-one against Goliath, the 10-foot giant and seasoned warrior who terrified every soldier in Saul’s army.

He ran for his life from Saul for years, always trying to keep one step ahead of Saul’s army and potential betrayers. Later, he was forced to run from his own son as Absolom tried to overthrow the kingdom.

David counted on God alone to deliver him in each situation. When God brought peace from every enemy, David wrote:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me. (2 Sam. 22:17-20)

4. Jehoshaphat

This is a story that strengthened me in the overwhelm of grief and suddenly solo-parenting my seven children. (LINK) King Jehoshaphat learned a vast army was mounting an unprovoked attack against Judah. He went to the temple to plead for God’s help: “For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” (2 Chron. 20:12)

Ever been there? Powerless to fix your situation and clueless how to move forward?

A cheery “you got this” is zero help. Like Jehoshaphat, we need to go to God and plead for His help.

Because God’s help is more than we could ask or imagine. Look at God’s reply to Jehoshaphat: “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s…Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem.” (2 Chron. 20:15-17)

The next morning, God set an ambush and when Jehoshaphat’s army crested the hill, they saw a battlefield littered only with dead bodies. Not one enemy had escaped. And to top it off, there was so much plunder it took three days to cart it to Jerusalem.

5. Elijah

The prophet Elijah found himself in circumstances too difficult to handle. He was a bold prophet in Israel during the time when King Ahab, the most wicked king ever to sit on Israel’s throne, ruled. Ahab was a murderous, power-hungry king who married his equal—Jezebel, the daughter of a pagan priest-king of Baal. Together, Ahab and Jezebel slaughtered as many of God’s prophets as they could and led Israel into flagrant idol worship.

Elijah was no featherweight. He’d faced-down Ahab and prophesied three years of famine because of Ahab’s evil, depended on God to provide for him in hiding, prayed, raised a widow’s son back to life and then powerfully challenged eight hundred prophets of Baal on the summit of Mount Carmel to prove God was the only true God.

But when Jezebel threatened to kill Elijah, it was too much. Elijah fled to the wilderness and there, prayed for his death. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life.” (1 King 19:4, NIV) Elijah, the bold, brash man full of God’s power, had come to a place where circumstances were too hard to handle.

God never shook his head disappointingly at Elijah or rebuked him for reaching a place of utter dependence. How did God respond? He sent his presence to be with him. When circumstances were too much for Elijah to handle, God answered with himself.

6. Hagar

Hagar was Sarah’s slave and had a son Ishmael with Abraham. A few years after Isaac was born, Hagar and Ishmael were sent away. They wandered in the desert until their skin of water ran out. In a heartbreaking scene, Hagar left Ishmael under one bush and then sat down a bowshot away because she couldn’t bear to watch her son die and perhaps too, couldn’t bear to hear him cry.

Sobbing alone and absolutely hopeless, Hagar was unable to fix this for herself or her son. If you’ve ever felt rejected, take hope in Hagar’s story.

Hagar may have been rejected by those she should have been able to count on, but she was never abandoned by God.

God assured her through an angel that He saw their pain. He reminded her of His promise to make Ishmael into a great nation and then met their need. God opened Hagar’s eyes and there in front of her, was a well of water.

7. Paul

As an apostle spreading the gospel among Hebrews and Roman gentiles, Paul suffered hardship after hardship that stretched him far past his human capacity to handle. Here’s his summary in Second Corinthians:

Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches. (2 Cor. 11:24-28)

On one missionary journey, Paul said he suffered “far beyond [his] ability to endure” and thought he would die. (2 Cor. 1:9) But those too-hard-to-handle circumstances were “the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally…”

Paul teaches us something else. If we could handle everything, we’d never experience God’s power at work in us. Paul had begged God three times to remove the thorn in his flesh. God’s answer was to leave the thorn and provide his sustaining grace.

Paul even learned to boast in his weakness, because the power of Christ would rest on him. In Paul’s utter weakness, he found God strong.

Let’s set aside the story that “we got this” and rest instead in complete dependence on God. We will each of us go through circumstances too hard to handle, but we can count on our God to carry us, fight for us and provide for us in it.

The post Will God Give Us Too Much to Handle? 7 Biblical Examples appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

When Grief is Worse at Night

Why is grief worse at night? It’s a question I hear often as I talk with those new to grief.

In that first year of grief, mornings were were particularly hard as I woke to the reality of one more day without Dan.

But grief was harder at night. Not just for me but for my children as well.

My six-year-old would play and seem almost carefree during the day, like other kids his age. But when I tucked him in at night with bedtime prayers, the tears inevitably came. We had some of our most raw conversations after the lights were off and I sat next to him, listening to his heart, answering his questions and wiping his tears as well as my own.

Night was often when my teens wanted to talk as well. It always seemed to happen just when I was fully exhausted and heading to bed. Can you talk, Mom? And I’d try my best to dig down to my last reserves to listen.  

Nights for me brought the heaviest, most forlorn pain of grief. With the house quiet after dinner, my littles asleep and the olders upstairs, it was just me and the cavernous ache that felt like it would swallow me from the inside out.

I never felt such loneliness, such heartache, and at times, such despair.

Sleep wasn’t the problem for me. I slept surprisingly well, and I’m certain it’s because several faithful friends covered that in prayer for months.  

Sleep was a sweet relief, the reward for having made it through one more day and enduring one more grueling night where I wished with everything in me Dan would walk in the back door from a long business trip. 

Some nights, though, the tears spilled well into the night. Or I’d slip into sleep easily only to wake hours later and toss fitfully with my thoughts on overdrive before finally getting back to sleep.

The Bible speaks to this grueling grief at night. In Psalm 6, David lamented, “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.” (Psalm 6:6)

Job described his difficulty with grief at night: “Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pains never rest.” (Job 30:17)

Both David and Job also suffered grief insomnia. In Psalm 22, David wrote that he cried out to God by night but found no rest. (Psalm 22:2) Job’s words sound like a page from a modern journal: “When I lie down I think, ‘How long before I get up?’ The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn.” (Job 7:4)

Why is grief so hard at night? These are a few contributing factors.

What makes grief worse at night?

1. Darkness.

Remember being scared of the dark when you were little? I vividly remember crazy fears of what lurked in the dark that felt fully reasonable at the time. As an adult, darkness can still magnify our anxiety and hopelessness.

2. Tiredness.

By the evening, we’ve had a full day of triggers, hard emotions and hard tasks. We’re worn out and just don’t have as much grit to fight the lies that come in grief.

3. No distractions.

During the day, we can focus on a to-do list. We’re usually around other people, at work or over coffee with a friend. But at night, we don’t have those distractions which means the full weight of our grief is front and center.

4. Ruminating.

Without distractions, our mind can cue a continuous loop of memories, regrets, or worries. Experts call these spiraling thoughts ruminating.

Help for Grief at Night

While we can’t avoid the grief, we can take steps to help us manage it.

1. Lean on God’s sustaining grace.

While grief may feel worse at night, that’s not all bad. As much as we don’t want to, we have to allow the hard emotions of grief to move through them and process grief. We won’t move forward if we constantly distract, escape or mask the pain.

But it’s too much, you say. Yes, it’s too much for us alone. The only way through is to lean on God’s sustaining grace. Lament all that’s lost, give God every unbearable ache and question and then choose to trust Him in it.

2. Find a healthy way to pass the hours.

Books, movies, worship music, phone calls with family or friends, crafting or hobby projects are healthy ways to “fill up” the empty hours before bed. While scrolling social media is an easy default (and I admittedly did my fair share of it), it almost always triggers more grief leaving us feeling worse.

3. Reassure yourself.

Remind yourself of two things: everything seems worse at night and it won’t always feel like this. When our emotions are screaming different, we need to realign our mind to the truth.

4. Don’t buy the enemy’s lies.

Scripture says the devil prowls around like a roaring lion waiting for an opportune time to devour us. He lies in grief to keep us defeated and disheartened with whispers like “You’re alone in this,” “You have no future,” “Everything good is gone,” and “God is withholding good from you.”

We have the spiritual armor not just to fight but to WIN over the enemy. (Eph 6:10-18) I wrote about how the enemy messes with us when life falls apart in Chapter 9 of Life Can Be Good Again.

5. Stay active.

Sleep experts tell us physical activity during the day helps us go to sleep more easily and experience better sleep.  

6. Ask friends to pray for your nights.

When friends asked how they could help, I was ready with a specific prayer request – either the name of one of my children to pray for or a specific need to cover. I’m certain friends’ prayers helped me sleep.

7. Calm your bedroom.

One of my fellow widows had friends who redecorated her bedroom, transforming it from the space it had been when she was married to a calm, welcoming space for her in this next chapter. New pillows, a throw, candles or wall art can help you create a peaceful space that is comforting.

8. Set up white noise.

I slept with an oscillating fan in my room for years. Turning it on at night signaled my mind to settle and helped me fall and stay asleep. If the silence is brutal for you, white noise machines set to soft ocean waves or ambient static can calm your surroundings.

9. Ask God to help you sleep.

Sometimes the most powerful answer is the simplest. Ask God to help you sleep, to protect your sleep, to guard your thoughts and to calm your mind and body.

I’ve curated some of my favorite scriptures to help grief at night. Write them on notecards or pray them over your evenings.

Bible Verses to Help Grief at Night

You may think the night is owned by the enemy, but scripture shows example after example of God using the night for His purposes.

This shouldn’t surprise us! God is sovereign over the night as well as the day. Psalm 74:6 says “The day is yours and yours also the night.”

God delivered the Hebrews from Egypt at night. (Ex. 12: 31)He divided the Red Sea and the Hebrews crossed all through the night. (Ex. 14:21)An angel of God opened prison doors and freed the apostles at night. (Acts 5:19)An angel free Peter from prison by angel during the night (Acts 12:6)God freed Paul and Silas from prison at night. (Acts 16: 33). 

God often revealed Himself at night, protected at night, and brought clarity at night. What if instead of dreading the night, we expect God to use it for His purpose?

Scriptures to Help Grief at Night

1. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. (Psalm 139:11-12)

2. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me – a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42:8)

3. God . . . gives songs in the night. (Job 35:10)

4. When I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63:6-8)

5. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of night… (Psalm 91:4-5)

6. It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night. (Psalm 92:1-2)

7. Weeping lasts for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

8. I will bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. (Psalm 16:7-8)

9. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. (Psalm 3:5)

10. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8)

11. Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

12. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matt. 11:28)

13. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night (Josh. 1:8)

14. And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb… and there will be no night there. (Rev. 21:23, 25)

15. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever. (Rev. 22:4-5)

The grief we experience at night is excruciating. We wonder whether life will ever feel good again. It stretches us beyond what we think we can endure.

While you may see only shadow in this valley of grief right now, that is not the whole picture. No amount of deep missing or sadness can cloud you from the Son. He is with you and He is for you. Lean into Jesus and let Him be your light in grief.

The post When Grief is Worse at Night appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

10 Promises of God for the Single Mom

Single parenting has brought me to the end of myself like nothing else. I cannot do it. But in this place of utter inability, I’ve learned to cling to and count on specific promises God gives us.

When I became a sudden single mom of seven after my husband died, God’s promises became my hope. I was desperate for Biblical encouragement to single parent my children in this new season. I was making countless decisions, navigating my kids through their grief and wondering how in the world I could raise seven children alone.

As I found scripture promises in my daily Bible reading, I copied them in my journal. I kept a growing list of these promises, praying them in hard moments and claiming them as I faced scary new tasks.

I pray these promises renew your hope that while we don’t got this, God does. When you’re tempted to lose heart, when exhaustion or circumstances are whispering lies, lean on the truth of scripture and rest in the faithfulness of these promises.

10 Promises of God for the Single Mom

1. God sees you.
“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” (Gen 16:13, NIV)

One of the first single moms mentioned in the Bible is Hagar. Her story is found in Genesis. Hagar, despondent at her situation and mistreatment, had run away to the desert. There, God revealed himself to her as “The God Who Sees” or El-Roi in Hebrew.

God sees you as well. He has not sidelined you or overlooked you. He sees your needs, your hopes and your fears. He knows your past wounds, your present struggles and your future concerns. You are the apple of God’s eye. He sees you and he cares for you.

2. God will guide you.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” (Psalm 32:8, NIV)

Becoming a single parent means facing new scary tasks almost daily. Two weeks after my husband died, an issue came up with one of our two rental houses. It was one more thing Dan had handled that was now mine to manage.

As I cried out for God’s help, it was like he downloaded a mental outline of what to tell the tenant. I immediately called the tenant, walked through the outline and wrapped up the issue better than I could have imagined. God will guide us when we go to him for help.

3. God will provide for every need.
 “And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:19, CSB)

I was so fearful for how I was going to support seven children as a single mom. We’d been a one-income family and now that income was gone.  

As I stewed over it, I realized God had provided for us in each season. He’d provided when we were both in college, when we started our careers and then when I stayed home and only Dan worked. Our circumstances had changed but God’s promise to provide had not.

4. God will give wisdom for every parenting decision.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:5, NIV)

This is a promise I’ve prayed over and over as a single mom. Scripture tells us to ask for wisdom and God will give it generously.

I’ve found the insight God gives is practical, personal and clear. He knows our children and their circumstances better than we ever will. His answers often surprise me, but they always bring peace as I offload my decision overwhelm to him and follow the promptings and insight he gives.

5. God is a Father to the fatherless.
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” (Psalm 68:5, NIV)

I miss all the ways Dan provided protection, stability and security for our children. I miss the good boundaries he provided and his strength.

God’s promise to be Father to the fatherless is part of his character. He provides for our children the protection, stability, security and strength an earthly father would have given. While my children will always grieve the loss of their dad, the missing makes them to look to their heavenly Father in ways they may not have otherwise.

6. You are not alone.
“…for he himself has said, I will never leave you or abandon you.” (Hebrews 13:5, CSB)

There’s no lonely like single mom like single mom lonely. It’s a loss of your best friend and most intimate union. You no longer fit into a neat category at church. Friendships change and invitations to join other families or couples slowly stop as well.

But God promises we are never alone. God says he will never leave us or abandon us. He is a God who not only understands our pain, but is with us in it.

7. God is strong in our weakness.
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9, NLT)

After Dan died, people often commented about how strong I was. If you only knew, I’d think. Because I felt frail and incapable. I was constantly stretched past my own ability, crying out to God for help and chiding myself for messing up the good family we’d started.

What assurance that our weakness is the catalyst for God’s strength. We’re not supposed to have it all together. God never expects us to be super mom. We can take God’s grace and let ourselves off the hook of having to be enough. Our children will learn far more watching us depend on God in our weakness.

8. God will not withhold something good from you.
“The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.” (Psalm 84:11, NLT)

I’ve had some pretty good pity parties as a single mom where I accuse God of keeping a heart’s desire from me. Maybe you’ve done it too, accusing God of withholding a second marriage or better job or bigger house from you.

But scripture assures us that God withholds no good thing from us when we’re following him. If we don’t have it, it wouldn’t be good for us – at least not right now. We can ask God to give us the desire of our heart and trust his answer is wrapped in lavish love.

9. God will give you peace.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:6-7, NIV)

The sudden death of my husband opened the door to all kinds of fear. I feared for our finances, my future and the health of my children. I began to parent out of fear and soon realized fear was paralyzing me from moving forward.

God’s peace is promised to us when we’re consumed with anxiety. First, we need to take our fears captive to the truth of Christ. Next, we need to give our worries to God and begin thanking him for who he is and what he’s done. As we do that, God’s supernatural peace that passes all understanding will take the place of fear.

10. God will bring a harvest even if you sow in tears.
“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” (Gal 6:9, NKJV)

Listen, being a single mom is exhausting. No one needs to tell you that solo parenting every decision and struggle, parent meeting and double header, meal, routine, appointment, milestone, holiday, school day, field trip, church event, and more can tap you out.

Do not let weariness make you lose heart. Your day in, day out, unseen, unacknowledged mothering matters. Eternally. Keep sowing, Keep praying. And keep trusting that in due season, God will bring his promised harvest.

The post 10 Promises of God for the Single Mom appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

When Unexpected Loss Leads to Unexpected Resurrection

Jillian Benfield knows what it is to walk a life you never expected. Her life has taken several twists she never saw coming, which inspired her new release The Gift of the Unexpected: Discovering Who You Were Meant to Be When Life Goes Off Plan. Today, she joins us to share when unexpected loss leads to unexpected resurrection.

Recently, I sat across from my former pastor and longtime mentor, Dan. Our cups of coffee had long turned cold. We were more interested in connecting rather than caffeinating.

As we wrapped up our time together, he asked me to sum up, in a phrase, what 5-years of experiencing one unexpected life-altering event after another, taught me.

I told him this: The resurrection is not just about what happens to us at the end of this life. It’s what happens to us, in and out, and over again in this one.

My before-and-after moment came to me when I was 27 years old and pregnant with my second child. It was when we, my husband and I, learned that our child had a life-long genetic condition.

If you would have told me that this moment, the moment that brought me to my knees in our still unpacked new rental house’s kitchen, would end up being a gift, I wouldn’t have believed you. But it was. I wrote a whole book about it called—The Gift of the Unexpected.

Because my before-and-after moment lead to both the unbecoming and becoming of me.

We moved to that rental house in Alamogordo, New Mexico just eight days before receiving the news. I cried when we got the news the military was assigning us there. I pictured no man’s land. And in a way, I was right. And in a way, I was wrong. We didn’t know the beauty of the unexpected until we found ourselves in its territory.

For all Alamogordo lacked, there was a bright spot: White Sands National Monument. These gorgeous white sands peak and valley in the shadow of a mountain range. It’s tempting to take the sands at face value. And we can do that. We can appreciate the beauty that is right in front of us. But I think the sight becomes even more beautiful when we dig a little deeper, when we get acquainted with the its story.

This area of New Mexico used to be covered by a huge lake, Lake Otero. But the lake started drying up and left behind gypsum deposits. Through whipping winds and forces of nature, the gypsum was broken down, refined, and polished, leaving the beautiful scenery we have today.

The white sands are a product of death and resurrection.

The lake is never coming back. The land will never return to what it once was. But God makes new things come out what seems dead. He does this in nature—some of the most beautiful sights we have are products of death and resurrection. He also does this in us.

Our circumstances may not be a gift. In this unexpected instance I am referring to, my son’s diagnosis, I have come to view it very differently than I did back then.

But I have been through other unexpected moments, others that are harder to talk about, others that I can’t wrap up in a neat bow. My guess is, you have too. You don’t have to classify those experiences as good, but I believe God can make good come from them. Most of the time that goodness is a change from within.

The unexpected can be a death, yes. But we have a God of resurrection. He takes what is dead and doesn’t necessarily revive it to what it once was, but instead takes traces of the before and makes it into something new.

Think about Jesus himself. When He came back after dying on the cross, His disciples didn’t recognize Him. He was Jesus and yet he was different. He was transformed. And yet, His scars remained. His scars made Jesus who He was and is.

Dear reader, our scars remain, too. If we let Him, God uses our scars to help us live to the fullness of ourselves. The unexpected can be devastating, yes. But hold on.

The whipping winds you feel right now can help bring new life out of you. They can re-make you. The result will have traces of what was. And it will be different, too. And it will be beautiful.

The unexpected is a pathway to transformation because we have a God of resurrection, I said to pastor Dan with a tear in my eye.

A tear that held both pain and gratitude. A tear that held my past self and the newest version. A tear that recognized I had found what I had been searching for all along—

The One who holds us in our deaths and makes resurrection possible.

And there is no greater gift.

**Want to win your own copy of The Gift of the Unexpected? I’m giving away this beautiful book to one person who leaves a comment. (You must have a mailing address within the contiguous 48 United States and be over age 18 to win.)

Jillian Benfield is a former journalist and news anchor whose writing has been on TODAY, Good Morning America, Yahoo! News, and ABC News. Jillian advocates for full inclusion of people with disabilities in her writing, community, and with the National Down Syndrome Advocacy Coalition. Jillian lives on Florida’s Space Coast with her husband, Andy, and their three children. This piece is pulled from the introduction, chapter 5, and chapter 12 of Jill’s debut book, The Gift of the Unexpected. Read the first chapter free here.

The post When Unexpected Loss Leads to Unexpected Resurrection appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

7 Kinds of Grief Exhaustion and 7 Ways to Rest

Grief fatigue is real. You’re not alone if you’re exhausted in loss. Grieving is all-consuming and leaves us tired as we navigate the hard emotions and long to-do list that often follows loss.

Grief exhaustion isn’t solved simply with more sleep. While good sleep is crucial, it doesn’t address the other kinds of rest we need. Dr. Saundra Dalton Smith says we need seven types of rest. As I read her work, I found it especially applicable to grief. 

Let’s look at seven types of grief exhaustion and seven ways to rest.

7 Kinds of Grief Exhaustion and 7 Ways to Rest1. Physical exhaustion in grief

Grief is surprisingly physical. It affects our eating, sleeping and energy. It can show up in headaches and stomach aches. For months after Dan died, I carried a painful, physical ache like someone had hollowed out my insides with a carving knife.

Sleeping is the primary way to help with physical tiredness from grief. Ask someone to specifically pray that you’ll sleep deeply each night. Several people covered my sleep with prayer and as hard as grief was, I never had trouble sleeping.

Other restful activities like breathing exercises, long baths or prayer walks can help us physically rest. Give yourself permission to pause during the day, to lie down or nap and let your body rest.

 Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10, ESV)

(More on what “Be Still and Know that I am God” means here.)

2. Mental exhaustion in grief

Grief takes up enormous head space. There’s fear for the future and regret over the past. Worry about how to navigate loss and second-guessing whether we’re doing it right.

Memories, conversations and the details of Dan’s death were on constant replay in my mind. I was fighting decision overwhelm while trying to wrap my mind around the reality of loss and the enormous changes it brought.

“Mental fatigue sets in when overactivity of the brain leads to brain cells becoming exhausted,” says Dr. Dalton-Smith. That grief fog makes it hard to remember, focus or think through a problem. And mental fatigue keeps us from peace.

We can find mental rest in three practices. First, we need to offload our negative thoughts like worry, fear and regret to God. Second, we need to feed on truth daily in God’s word. And third, we need to turn up some praise music. Whether it’s singing at church or listening to Alexa at home, praise music helps me clear my mind and refill on God.

You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts you. (Isaiah 26:3, ESV)

3. Emotional exhaustion in grief

Processing hard emotions in grief is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. Emotions when grieving run the gamut and include sadness, loneliness, regret, despair, shock, anger, guilt, helplessness and more.

We were not made to carry the emotions of death or divorce, caregiving or devastation alone. We can take our emotions to God through what the Bible calls lament. In lament, we take our hardest emotions to God. We don’t have to fake that we’re fine or stuff our grief. Our emotions are safe with God.

Like the psalmist, we can share our honest emotions with God and ask for his help. In my grief, my lament often looked like simple prayers: “God, I’m overwhelmed with sadness. Help me,” or “I am in despair, God, will you give me your strength?” These are prayers God will always answer.

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction. (2 Cor 1:3, ESV)

4. Spiritual exhaustion in grief

Hard circumstances stir up hard questions. After Dan died, I never questioned my faith but other hard questions surfaced. I questioned why God would take such a good dad or how in the world he could heal eight broken hearts.

I sifted through tidy platitudes that no longer held — like God won’t give us more than we can handle. I uncovered expectations I’d made of God and chiseled out idols like self-reliance and control I’d unknowingly nurtured.

Even John the Baptist, whom Jesus said was the greatest prophet ever born, had hard questions as he languished in prison.  And yet Jesus never rebuked him.

The questions aren’t the problem but what we do with them. Like John the Baptist, we need to take our questions to Jesus. He may not answer every question and we may never fully understand. But we will learn to trust him alone, to be satisfied in him alone and to see him revealed in ways we never would otherwise.

Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. (Matt 11:28 CSB)

5. Social exhaustion in grief

After Dan died, I had to pause time with an acquaintance. She’d heavily leaned on me in her own difficulty, but I no longer had emotional reserves for her pain and mine.

It’s okay in grief to pull back from those who are negative or overly needy for a time. It’s okay to pull back from volunteer work or social gatherings that drain you.

Even Jesus pulled away from the crowds and those who needed him to rest and pray. He shows us pushing pause isn’t selfish but good for our own wellbeing.

Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest (Mark 6:31, NIV)

6. Sensory exhaustion in grief

Sensory overload comes from too much external input from computers and phones, television and earbuds. I know firsthand we can often turn to screens and feeds to numb our pain and loneliness. My grief was excruciating at night, in the quiet hours after my kids were in bed and I’d spend the evening scrolling social media or watching Netflix until I was tired enough to sleep.

Dr. Dalton-Smith says our senses need a break. Otherwise our nervous system becomes overloaded making us feel discontent and mentally restless. The solution is to unplug, to welcome a slow pace when possible and to do things that let our brain rest like a walk after dinner instead of screen time.

He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. (Psalm 23:2-3, ESV)

7. Creative exhaustion in grief

Creativity isn’t just for painters and writers. All of us need and use creativity in our parenting and work. And the exhaustion of grief can deplete that creativity.

One way to refill our creative bank is to get into God’s beauty through a hike, walk or bike ride. Grief journaling is another way to offload our hard emotions without having to produce something.  

One of the best ways to find deep rest is a sabbatical practice. Starting the week worshipping the Lord and away from work gives us a regular space to rest in grief.

And he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27, ESV)

Charles Spurgeon said, “Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength. It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less.”

NOTE: I’m deeply grateful to Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith for her research and work in developing thought around seven kinds of rest that provides the basis for this piece. You can find her book Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity here.

The post 7 Kinds of Grief Exhaustion and 7 Ways to Rest appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

10 Ways to Make Bible Study Interesting

As much as I love my daily quiet time, sometimes I can get in a rut with Bible reading. Open, read, pray, rinse, repeat. When that happens, I know I need to mix it up. These 10 ways to make Bible study interesting are creative and engaging to refresh your quiet time.

10 ways to make Bible study interesting1.Try a new Bible.

My go-to Bible has years of underlines, margin notes and dates in it. Precious as they are, they can keep me from reading scripture with fresh eyes.

This year, I bought the Charles Stanley Life Principles Bible. The pages are untouched and because I’m not distracted by old notes or markings, my eyes are drawn only to God’s words, not my own.

It will be some time before the clean pages of this Bible naturally fall open to beloved passages. New lessons and sermon notes will eventually line its margins, it’s truth guiding me through new challenges and seasons. But for now, it’s like breaking in a long friendship, one morning at a time.

2. Try a different translation.

You don’t have to buy a new Bible to use a different translation. Dozens of translations are available through a free app like Bible Gateway. The online tool Bible Hub has multiple side-by-side versions to amplify and flesh out the meaning of a verse.

Some of the different Bible translations I enjoy comparing are the J.B. Phillips New Testament (loved by Elisabeth Elliot), the New Living and the Berean Study Bible.

3. Write it out.

Scripture writing is copying by hand a Bible verse or passage. It’s a simple but powerful practice. Handwriting scripture slows us down to focus on each word, its meaning and its application. It helps us reflect on a passage, untangle multiple clauses and even memorize it.

You can choose one verse each day from your Bible reading to copy or use a scripture writing plan. Here’s a scripture writing plan for grief I created.

4. Add some color.

One of the best tools for rejuvenating Bible study is to color code scripture. Adding color keeps us from glossing over scripture and and helps to focus on key points and better understand a passage.

I first learned to do this in Precept studies. I now use a simpler method, underlining key words with these no-bleed, archival colored pens:
Green: denotes any time or place
Yellow: anything said by God or Jesus
Pink: anything said by a person or a reaction by any person
Red: any gospel-related verses
Purple: anything related to heaven or kingdom
Black: general information
Blue: any promise or principle

5. Meditate on one verse.

Colossians 3:16 says we’re to “let the word of God dwell in us richly.” One way to do this is to meditate on scripture, writing one verse from our Bible reading on an index card and carrying it with us through the day. We can prop the card on the window sill while doing dishes or pull it out in car line.

I’m always amazed that as I sit with a passage and continue asking God for more, he gives me deeper layers of insight with connections and elements I didn’t see on the first or second read through.

6. Ask key questions.

Pastor Adrian Rogers said the Bible will come alive when we pray over it, ponder it and then ask six questions:

Is there a promise to claim?Is there a lesson to learn?Is there a blessing to enjoy?Is there a command to obey?Is there a sin to avoid?Is there a new thought to carry with me?

These questions helps us engage with the Bible as a living book instead of a history book. I can only imagine a journal filled with daily answers to these questions from a lifetime of Bible reading.

7. Create a personal concordance.

Adrian Roger’s questions would lead perfectly into the seventh way to get more out of Bible reading: create your own concordance. A concordance is a topical list of scripture passages.

When I was in deep grief after Dan died, God’s word became my very food. I was desperate for hope and comfort and daily found it in scripture. That’s when I began creating my own concordance, keeping a list of God’s promises, gospel passages, the names of God and more.

Want to know what God says about money or parenting or heaven or suffering? Begin a concordance personal to you as you read through the Bible.

8. Pray the scripture.

In addition to reading the Bible, we can also pray it. It’s a great way to apply the word to our heart and circumstances.

​Praying scripture uses the words of a Bible verse or a Bible passage to guide our prayer. It’s a powerful way to pray for several reasons. Praying scripture keeps our mind from wandering, broadens how and what we pray and helps us pray the will of God.

9. Read it in Hebrew or Greek.

Listen, I haven’t been to seminary and I don’t know Hebrew or Greek, but I do regularly use a Hebrew and Greek Bible. Not just for a word study, as helpful as that is. I like to read an interlinear Bible.

An interlinear Bible is the original Hebrew and Greek text alongside an English translation. It’s a word for word translation. The original Hebrew and Greek not only give full meaning to words that often have no English counterpart, but reading an interlinear Bible illumines the whole passage by showing emphasis, word order and verb tenses in the original.

I use the qBible Hebrew-English transliteration of the Old Testament and Bible Hub Greek-English interlinear Bible for the New Testament. Both sources contain additional word study resources like Strong’s linked in the text. These have been invaluable resources in my Bible study!

10. Read it for you.

This may be the most simple and powerful way to re-invigorate our Bible time. Sometimes we read the Bible for someone else. “Oh, I need to text this verse to Mandy,” we think. Or, “If only my child/mom/spouse/boss/sister/neighbor would take this truth to heart.”

It’s easy to outsource a lesson God means for us. Or to study the Bible only in preparation for teaching.

But when we open the Word because we alone are desperate for God and we alone need to hear what he has to say, the Word will come alive. Our heart will be chiseled, our sin brought to light, our faith strengthened and our love for the Father deepened more and more and more.

When quiet time becomes stagnant, incorporate one or more of these approaches to refresh your Bible study. God’s Word is living and active and studying the Bible is, as Pastor Adrian Rogers said, “joyful, thrilling work.”

The post 10 Ways to Make Bible Study Interesting appeared first on Lisa Appelo.

What God Says About Looking Back

This week poised on the precipice of a new year is a favorite. It’s a time of looking back and looking forward. A time to remember what God has done and what may lie ahead.

Sometimes, I confess, I don’t want to just look back. I want to go back.

Sometimes I long for the days when all seven of my children slept under my roof. Times of play dates and play forts. Days that seem both fuller and simpler. And of course, days before Dan died, when I leaned so heavily on his good humor and strong spine to parent and do life together.

Memories are a gift that let us savor the beauty in life.

And yet scripture tells us there’s one thing needed: “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” (1 Cor. 3:13-14)

Is it wrong to look back? Will we, like Lot’s wife, feel the sting of stiff consequence if we pause and look back?

The Bible has a lot to say about looking back. Sometimes we’re admonished for looking back and sometimes we’re admonished to look back. How do we sort it out?

Let’s first focus on what God says about not looking back.

5 ways we should not look back

1.Don’t inflame old wounds. When we brood over old offenses or times when someone hurt us, we can sow roots of bitterness. And while we can never completely forget a hurtful past event, we can choose not to dwell there.

When we fully forgive others as God has fully forgiven us, we can move forward well.

“ See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” (Heb 12:15)

2. Don’t rehearse old sins. The enemy loves to keep us defeated and discouraged and we give him plenty of ammunition when we stew over our past sin. Past sin makes us feel disqualified, keeping us from doing the work God has for us now.

But God isn’t rehearsing our old sin! He’s removed it as far as the east is from the west – an infinite, impossible distance that assures us God forgives us and remembers our sins no more.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom 8:1)

3. Don’t fuel old regrets. It’s easy to look back and see things I missed in my parenting and doors I didn’t walk through. And regret is huge struggle after someone you love dies.

But regret lies to us that we could have done it perfectly or that we could have changed an outcome if we’d done something different. Instead of living in the shame of regret, we can trust God’s sovereignty over all things.

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Is 43:18-19)

4. Don’t turn to old paths. Following God is a 100% commitment to go where he calls. Jesus likened it to a farmer plowing a field. To get straight rows, the farmer fixes his eyes on an immoveable object like a tree or gate post as he plows. If he looks back, the rows will be crooked.

The same thing happens when we drive a car. If we look over our shoulder, our hands on the steering wheel naturally follow and we find ourselves drifting out of our lane. Spiritually, we can’t look back at old paths and move forward with God. Instead, we need to fix our eyes on our immoveable God and follow him.

“Jesus said to him, ‘No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.’” (Luke 9:62)

5. Don’t simmer in what could have been. When life implodes in any kind of loss and we’re walking out a life we didn’t order, our minds drift back to the way life was. That’s the way it should have been, we tell God, replaying the life we had and the life we want.

But we can’t stay parked in what could-have-been. Grieving with hope means letting go of the life we had and trusting God with the life he’s allowed. It’s a process that we do over and over and over as we surrender our expectations to God.

We don’t blot out those memories — the people we loved and the life we had with them are treasures. But we choose to surrender the story we wanted and live fully in the chapter God has written.

“Say not, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.” (Ecc 7:10)

Given what God says about not looking back, is it right to look back? Yes! God tells us things we should remember. The Hebrew word for remember or call to mind is zakar. It means more than mentally checking off that it happened, to actively and intentionally remember.

Let’s look at three times God tells us we should look back.

3 ways God says to look back

1.Look back at God’s goodness. When we’re facing difficulty or a big unknown, looking back at God’s goodness is a huge faith boost. It’s one of the powerful reasons I love keeping a gratitude list.

When we look back and see all the personal, practical details God orchestrated for us as well as the stunning, miraculous things he’s done, we reconfirm that God is good and that he’s good to us.

“I will remember the deeds of the  Lord ; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. ” (Psalm 77:11)

2. Look back at who God is. Our present circumstances and hard emotions often lie to us, tempting us to believe God has overlooked us or doesn’t care about us. In those times, scripture tells us to actively remember who God is.

When Dan died and I felt pulled under by sadness, fear and overwhelm, I needed a daily reminder of who God was when my circumstances were screaming different. I was reading through the Bible that year and God met me on every page of scripture. Whether I was in Leviticus or Psalms or Luke, God reminded me who he is and how he cares for us.

If you need a reminder today of who God is for you and in your circumstance, Psalm 103 is a great place to start.

“Bless the Lord oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits.” (Psalm 103:2)

3. Look back at Jesus’ death on the cross. When we take communion, we remember Jesus’ sacrificial death on our behalf. We affirm again that Jesus, who knew no sin, became sin for us so that we might spend eternity with God.

The Lord’s Supper lets us actively look back at Jesus’ sacrifice, bringing us to a present place of repentance and worship.

“…and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, ‘This is my body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.’   In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, ‘This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.’” (1 Cor 11:24-25)

The problem is not that we’re looking back, but how we look back. The gift of memories lets us savor all God’s past goodness while serving him fully right where he’s planted us.

The post What God Says About Looking Back appeared first on Lisa Appelo.