Jeff Mach's Blog, page 51

Fixing All The Monsters

Yes, I am directly responding to an action taken in the roleplaying game world.

Any similarities to the real world are strictly unintentional, I’m sure.

In a certain place, in a certain time, Humans took it upon themselves to rewrite the stories of the Orcs and the Goblins and the Trolls.

They did not consult the Orcs or the Goblins or the Trolls who already existed; they assumed that most of them were either suffering from how poorly they’d been portrayed, or were brainwashed into thinking they were evil. They were told they were being misrepresented as ‘monocultures’, as if most Trolls and Orcs and Goblins were very similar.

No-one, apparently, considered that this might be true because those beings are often similar; that the sort of individual differences which humans claim to prize (but which, to be fair, evidence suggests they rather hate) – were, in fact, simply a part of how those beings lived; those beings were just far less hypocritical about it than humans.

Well, humans thought they’d been writing fiction about all those beasts, but upon the release of this inspiring news, a number of monsters sent very polite letters to the Coastal Wizards, thanking them for their consideration, and inviting them—

inviting them—

….okay, yes, inviting them to dinner.

I bet you’re expecting me to tell you that the Trolls and such welcomed the dinner guests, bashed them over the head with clubs, and ate them, aren’t you? Because that’s the kind of heavy-handed story you’d expect from some kind of jerkwad self-styled iconoclast like myself.

You’re wrong.

The monsters actually slit their throats. It allows the cranium to remain intact, permitting either trophies, or the consumption of more brain matter, as one prefers. And then they ate them.

Because the monsters were perfectly happy being monsters, thank you. They did not possess the human need to claim that they’re not horrible beasts; and, much more importantly, they may be a bunch of damn monocultures, but they sure as hell don’t spend most of their time arbitrarily dividing each other into groups and deciding that one side is all evil and the other side has the only key to goodness.

Because that’s just a load of stupid, and the monsters aren’t having it, thank you very much.

At any rate:

You’re welcome to come by the homes of the monsters for dinner anytime. Yes, you’ll be the dinner. Yes, some people are apparently too stupid to learn from experience. Some people want to believe things are a certain way.

As far as I’m concerned, natural-selection-via-monster-digestive-tract can’t possibly happen quick enough to suit me.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

The post Fixing All The Monsters appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Fiverr Tech Support – A Dystopian Short

For those involved:

Obviously, while there is a real company called “Fiverr”, this couldn’t possibly be an actual tech support exchange, since it’s too surreal and dystopian. So it’s clearly a work of fiction.

Let’s also note that while “Jeff Mach”, in this case, is quite hard on Support, people who are just trying to do their jobs, the backstory of this “Jeff Mach” character is almost ten years of dealing with Fiverr’s “Support”. Unfortunately, due to what might be some sort of pressure which can’t be seen on a public-facing side, Fiverr needs aggressive response. The “Jeff Mach” character in this story has attempted friendly and conciliatory conversations multiple times, and they have never gone well.

And now, on with the tale!

 

JeffMach Friday at 13:05

Hello!

During the course of this order, I first sent a delivery which, while I feel it satisfied the client’s requirements, was not optimal due to the hurricane. Wishing to submit a better and stronger version, and being limited to my phone by the hurricane, I then completed the requirements of my gig, issuing not only a full and custom plan via my phone, but going above and beyond that plan.

The buyer has requested nonstop revisions. I’ll note, from the Terms of Service:

“Revisions to deliveries can be performed by Sellers based on the Seller’s Gig and customer care. Sellers may determine the amount of revisions offered to Buyers, including no revisions.”

This gig includes 1 revision.

“Requests for revisions can be performed through the Order Page while the order is marked as Delivered.”

I have done so.

“Requesting to gain more services from Sellers beyond the agreed requirements by using the Request Revisions button is not allowed.”

The buyer has requested an unreasonable number of revisions, and not only does he not seem to understand that this is a violation of ToS, the buyer has (a) been minimal in stating what revisions are needed, (b) asked for revisions for work on the basis of claiming that some work is lacking, even though I can go through the work in detail and show that none is lacking.

I am actually quite willing to do additional work here. But I’m not willing to permit a buyer to take hours of my custom labor and mark it as not done; I am also prepared to show that what I have offered is not only a satisfactory meeting of my requirements, but above and beyond a meeting of those requirements.

Alex Yesterday at 02:43

Hello Jeff,

Thank you for letting us know and bringing this to our attention. I understand that this is not a pleasant situation, but let’ try and make the best of it.

My recommendation for you will be to try to persuade your buyer by giving value to the work that you’ve done to them so that they can be aware of this.

Try to communicate with them and see if you can reach a mutual agreement, as our role is to maintain neutral on these issues but you can look into solving this order mutually with them.

You should be able to provide a detailed report with screenshots to your client that proves that you have done the work in line with his requirements. 

You can negotiate with him about the extension of time if needed, offer to upgrade the order for some additional service, or adjust the price if requested work overcomes the purchased package.

Unfortunately, we need to abide by our own rules and I won’t be able to force the buyer to accept the order. This will be something you’ll need to negotiate with them.

wickedjeffmachYesterday at 03:16

Hi, Alex!

Oh, how weird–once again, my replying to a message does NOT result in that message propagating here. How weird! Fortunately, I keep records, and am able to send a copy.

Wow, it sounds quite burdensome to take a ton of my time to send screenshots. But here – have about 70% of them. Since Fiverr has demonstrated that it can and will read anything posted in Fiver, I assume you already have full access to this information anyway. But hey, you ask, I give.

By the way, RE-OPEN https://fiverr.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/requests/4490733.

I am now proven 100% correct in the consultation work I did, and request $100 in Fiverr credit to make up for the false loss of financials. Go ahead, look up my final conversations with Robert. I don’t want the full amount, and I don’t want you to take it from him; it’s just that, obviously, I was 100% right in saying that after hours of valuable research, I was providing him with an essential service by telling him Tik-Tok was going to be banned. I was right; you were wrong.

But we can deal with that separately.

At any rate, not to worry! I don’t need Fiverr to force the buyer to do anything; in a few hours, the gig will be done. However, I will do the ADDITIONAL WORK, WHICH IS BEYOND THE WORK SPECIFIED IN THE GIG AND SPECIFIED BY THE BUYER, of making this into a new project, so long as I can ask for a good rating.

That’s reasonable, right?

It’s better for me to do what the client wants, EVEN though it violates what the gig states it does AND violates the certification that every buyer signs that the information they have given is complete—than to have a customer hate their gig, right?

So I hope I have your permission to say I’ll do the extra work for a good rating, as the customer has ALREADY expressed that the work is good.

Thank you for answering my questions.

NOTES:

If the customer re-opens the case, I will lodge this same argument, especially as you have NOT addressed my points vis-à-vis the terms of service.

If the customer gives this an abnormally low rating, I will contest it, via the Terms of Service’s rules against punitive/manipulative low ratings.

Just be aware.

Thanks as always for your help, my dear friend.

Jeff Mach

JeffmachYesterday at 03:21

I say this with politeness and utter respect:

I’ve read ToS thousands of times.

I try only to defend my rights, not to be a pain in the neck.

It might well be said, if one reads the King James Bible:

“For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.”

Alex Yesterday at 03:32

Greetings,

There is no need to send this to us but to your buyer. Make it clear in your report. His Requirements = what you have provided. If he has asked for any addtional [sic] work, present that to your client and point out your gig description and what order includes and how that is different from what your buyer is requesting.

Set the price and explain to him what that price includes and why it’s necessary for him to accept that for the whole project with addtional work can be completed.

Usually, communicating with your seller is the best way to resolve an issue.

Regarding your closed ticket, please create a new one to avoid any eventual misunderstandings and mixed info.

wickedjeffmachYesterday at 03:41

Greetings!

1. I have sent this information to my client.Such a thing might be inferred from the fact that the screenshots consist entirely of shots of screens written directly to the client.

2. While Fiverr was VERY quick to come down on me like a ton of bricks to make a client happy, Fiverr has so far literally ignored my specific references to the CLIENT’S violation of your Terms of Service. How will you be amending that serious issue?

3. It is clear, from the non-propagation of my emails to you, that there is some difficulty in my requests reaching you. It is likewise clear, from the apparent lack of information being conveyed, that there is some sort of communication barrier. I therefore ask if you would do me the kind favor of re-opening those requests.

4. More importantly, since you did not answer my question about speaking to the client about a review, I will take this as a clear and visible proof that I am permitted to speak to the client about a positive review. There is no other possible conclusion to be drawn, and I will assume I cannot be held in violation of Fiverr’s terms of service for doing so, since you did not seem to think it was important enough to mention.

5. You still haven’t address my clearly-expressed ToS questions. But that’s okay. The gig will be done in a few hours anyway – we hope. We’ll find out, I guess.

JeffMach Yesterday at 03:46

Also, I don’t want to come off as at all snarky, but the very title of this was “buyer abusing revision proviso”. Surely Fiverr takes such things every bit as seriously as every other rule violation.

Alex Yesterday at 04:13

Hi again,

1. Your report about the work provided should be exactly as we have informed you, requirements – work provided.  That is the clearest way for your buyer to understand and so both of you can be on the same page.

2. Asking for any additional work doesn’t necessary and instantly needs to be a violation of TOS. Each case can be different and each situation reviews individually. Some circumstances could have changed so the requirements could change to fit the current situation, that is why you have the option to upgrade the order and work it out with the client. Some buyers are not aware of how things are working here, and all that can be resolved with communication and professional approach.

3. If the ticket is closed we cannot reopen it from our side, you can make a follow-up, or open a new on and address your request.

4. That should not be done in any circumstance. It is against Fiverr’s policies for Sellers to solicit feedback, or changes from Buyers in exchange for refunds, discounts, upgrades or any other type of additional benefit.

5. already addresses in number 2.

We are here if you need any further assistance.

JeffMachYesterday at 13:50

Wow. You really DON’T get responses sent via email, do you?

Okay, here’s what I wrote, pasted here from the aforementioned reply.

Hi. In simpler terms:

1. You really, really haven’t addressed my actual question, which was a specific interpretation of specific passages.

2. Well, that’s definitely not what I would have assumed, based on every conversation up to that point, including the conversations where you did not respond. So I apologize. I won’t do it again—I continue to feel that this particular rule is bad for you, as in Fiverr—but it’s a little too late for everyone now.

3. I have now read the ToS on this multiple times. Please help me out and show me where it says “That should not be done in any circumstance. It is against Fiverr’s policies for Sellers to solicit feedback, or changes from Buyers in exchange for refunds, discounts, upgrades or any other type of additional benefit.”

Because what I see is: “Withholding the delivery of services, files, or information required to complete the Gig’s service with the intent to gain favorable reviews or additional services is prohibited.”

There’s a fairly large segment on feedback, and none of your ToS say “You can’t change, improve, or add work to work you have completed in good-faith in order to make a buyer happier”.

If I might make some comments:

* Sellers talk about living in fear of bad reviews, over which they have no control. You are enforcing rules which increase that fear; without being of any benefit that I can see towards sellers; without any backing in ToS. Please explain this to me.

* You still have not addressed my complaint. Not even once. Not even a little.

Again, I say this kindly: I need to be guided by terms of service, and your response to ToS. If your response to ToS contradicts ToS, I will follow ToS and not you.

-J

JeffMachYesterday at 16:56

Hi, Alex!

It’s been 3 days.

During these three days, you have not once–not one, single time, not even once–have you addressed punitive measures towards the person who has clearly violated Fiverr’s terms of service-

Now, you and he are BOTH expecting me to put in an additional 2 hours or so of my time to get a good rating.

Obviously, clearly, neither you nor he has any concerns whatsoever about the fact that I have proven, beyond any reasonable shadow of a doubt, that this person is in violation of your ToS.

So:

1. I get it. You can’t and won’t actually do anything about it, and you’re just a tech support person, dealing with the nightmarish scenario of someone who insists on adhering to Terms of Service that someone with more power in your organization, someone you cannot name or reference, has told you that you have to deal with. Trust me, we’ve all dealt with management which has hidden behind customer service and left you to bear the justified, but unpleasant, anger of those who are wronged by actions which are supposedly within your control, but clearly out of your control. It sucks. But…ah… somewhere down the line, can you throw me a bone for all the crap I’ve had to deal with?

2. I know of nothing in your Terms of Service which permits me from putting this whole exchange, verbatim, in my blog, including your screen name (since that’s hardly an identifier and people cannot doxx you based on it.) The second part is–I want to stress–NOT a threat of any kind. I simply truly, really want to check the rules before I use this as tonight’s blog post. You have a good 7 hours before I’ll be posting my blog tonight; I consider that a reasonable time, since I’ve waited 3 days.

3. Sorry about this. But as I said above, sew the wind, reap the whirlwind.

Nenad yesterday at 22:49

Hello again Jeff,

My name is Nenad and I will be assisting you further regarding the order #FO1*******. Please excuse the late reply as we are working in shifts, hence, the agent that you have been communicating in the past may be on vacation or on an off day and is unable to provide you with a response due to those or some other reasons due to which they may not be working.

I understand how frustrating this must be and I will be more than willing to take action here.

Regarding the violations made by your buyer, please rest assured as their actions will be reviewed and we will take actions accordingly. However, please keep in mind that our actions do not always mean the permanent disablement of the account as not all violations are so serious that the action taken must be the disablement of the account. Also, while I do understand that you may wish to know which actions we have taken, I most humbly ask you for your understanding as I will not be able to share any such information as we are unable to share information regarding an account with anyone except the owner.

Based on the information that Alex stated on the sellers not being allowed to solicit feedback, please keep in mind that this is not mentioned within our Terms of Service, but rather, this information is stated within our Help Center and you may review this information by using the following link: https://sellers.fiverr.com/en/article/feedback, and it is stated under the 4th bullet point.

Also, as I have reviewed the order Jeff, I have seen that it has been completed some 10 hours ago, and looking at it like this, may I assume that this part of the issue was resolved?

Regarding your posting of any such information on your blog, while I know that this may influence us in a way, I want to inform you that this is your right and that we do not have the right to force you not to do so.

I hope this clarifies and I hope that I have been able to answer your inquiry. However, if I have missed something, please point out the part which I have missed, and if I may ask so, please be blunt in doing so.

Regards,

Nenad |

JeffMachToday at 00:03

Hi, Nenad,

I have never, ever engaged in manipulating buyers into leaving positive feedback. Not once.

Unless, that is, you consider that doing good work is manipulation of the buyer in some way?

I am going to argue this point consistently: it is not manipulation to say to a buyer: “I don’t wish you to provide me with negative feedback. How can I make you happy so that you want to provide me with positive feedback?”

….that is, by the way, assuming I acknowledge that the Terms of Service should be considered to assume a separate set of rules which are not acknowledged in the Terms of Service as being binding. Which I do not. I bring this point up should we need to go to court in the future, as the Patreon lawsuit has been very helpful on this point. But more specifically, if, in the future, someone cites me for a Terms of Service violation for something that’s outside the Terms of Service, I reserve the right to take legal action.

I mean, I’m probably not going to, but I will if pushed far enough.

It’s hard to read tone over text, so let me be explicit: none of my tone is intended as angry, hostile, threatening, or rude. It’s just the tone of someone who has had a slow response to his needs, a slow response which caused him significant pain and suffering, and who finds the result to be, in effect,

“We have resolved your problem by possibly taking an unknown action that we will not tell you about. As far as you know, there is no change in your situation. We note that the gig appears to have concluded, and we hope you consider the matter concluded likewise, despite the fact that the time you have spent fighting for your rights as a seller has been painful and only barely rewarding, but made necessary by our system.”

Of COURSE my issue is not resolved. The seller has temporarily stopped marking everything I do as unfinished, but still considers the work unfinished. I will still need to choose between additional time I do not have, and a bad rating that you are unlikely to allow me to contest without significant disagreement.

I would be less upset about the slow response time on the part of Support if Support were more willing to reduce one’s lateness quotient for situations which wait on Support. Or, to be more specific, no, I don’t excuse any of your staff for being slow in reply, nor should I, until and unless you are willing to afford me the same courtesy. That’s not unkindness; that’s just fairness, surely?

____

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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The Paladin and the Helm

Once there was a Paladin—a paradigm, an example, a Hero—who sought a single object of Magic in order to fulfill his life.

Now, Paladins have but one problem. They must stay strictly Good throughout their lives, despite the fact that achieving ‘goodness’ is a philosophical problem which has confounded every sage and philosopher for the past five thousand years.

Also, they are only allowed a small amount of armour and weapons.

Also, they’re often jerks.

Also, I think that might be more than one problem. I possibly lost count.

At any rate, this Paladin had a problem, because his parents were slain by a robber on the streets of Gotham, and…

…just kidding. Batman isn’t a Paladin; he’s a Villain, just like you and I.

No, this Paladin had a great problem: he sought a mighty artifact. If you’re not familiar with this Paladin’s world, it was a “Helm of Opposite Alignment”. This thing existed because the Great God Gygax decided, in His infinite wisdom, that it would be interesting for some people to put on hats and immediately switch sides in the Great Celestial War. Good would become Evil, Evil would become Good, Broccoli would become Bacon, Bacon would become brussels sprouts… you know, all the logical opposites.

You see, Paladins have superpowers…but only as long as they are paragons of virtue. Once a Paladin commits some act of Evil, that paladin loses all powers, and also becomes really, really sad. Technically, the latter isn’t required, but in general, it’s what happens.

And this Paladin had a problem. Because, while (as mentioned earlier) he was not Batman, his family had been wronged by a rival family, and he wanted revenge.

He knew he needed the powers of a Paladin, but he knew that revenge would be Evil. Fortunately, this Helm was so mind-bogglingly frustrating as an object of existential magic that he could turn evil while wearing the Helm, do the evil deed, remove the Helm, and repent.

And so he slew all those who had harmed the people he loved, and removed the Helmet, and stopped being Evil.

…except for that last part. That last part didn’t happen.

He did not return to being Good. He did not repent.

So he flung himself to his knees (which, fortunately, were protected by magical greaves, such that he didn’t actually damage them in so doing)–and he shouted up to the Gods: “WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?”

Then a cute and magical Fairy appeared. “Silly Knight,” she said. “You didn’t need a Helm to be Evil. Evil was inside you all along!”

Much relieved, the Knight threw the Fairy a tea party. The tea was poisoned, but the Fairy was used to that, and so everyone lived happily ever after, except for all the people a Paladin could murder if a Paladin could commit murders, which, it turns out, is a number far larger than the amount of wood any woodchuck could chuck.

I forget the moral of this story.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

 

 

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Love Marinade: a Steampunk Song of Anti-Romance

(From Absinthe Heroes, my rock opera. The Mayor is a Lovecraftian cultist, perpetually frustrated that he cannot summon the Elder Gods. “Chas” is “Dr. Chastity”, a Good Mad Scientist; Captain Adastra is The Gallant Captain; he was, ironically, played by my ex-husband, who is the least gallant human being on Earth; life is full of ironies. The song “Love Marinade” was set to music by brilliant musicians who wish to remain anonymous because the Illuminati are out to get them.)

MAYOR (As NARRATOR): O thou glorious age, when we may leap from the laboratory of spectacular Discovery, to another. The many great minds of our times! Blessed are we! Or, you know, blessed would we be, if there were gods. Or ancient evils. Which apparently there aren’t. But I have no bitterness or anything. Besides, I have chosen, as my successor, the village half-wit, and the thought of what he’d do with this office is enough to keep me going.. But I digress! And now, we repair to the modest laboratory of our modest lass-of-science, where she is having a last-moment strategic planning meeting with the pilot of the airship she designed!

ADASTRA: I say, this is dashed exciting.

CHAS: I do positively tremble.

ADASTRA: Science!

CHAS: Science!

ADASTRA: Adventure!

CHAS: Adventure!

ADASTRA: Love!

CHAS: Goddess, no.

ADASTRA: Don’t you yearn to experience romance’s sweet fragrance?

CHAS: I’ve tried it. Smells like licorice.

ADASTRA: I hate licorice.

CHAS: Scientifically speaking, only psychic perverts and the mentally deformed enjoy licorice.

ADASTRA: I avoid the stuff. Jogs your gun-arm, makes you moony.

CHAS: Licorice?

ADASTRA: And love. I mean, love is pleasant and all that, but…

CHAS: Not something you’d want to try for several weeks consecutively?

ADASTRA: It pulls a close second to rickets.

CHAS: I am for spinsterhood, but, should social position require it, I shall, instead, marry a homosexual.

ADASTRA: It is possible that, by the time you must marry, your emotions will be ready for it.

CHAS: I might say the same of you.

ADASTRA: It’s my deepest hope. Given time, I shall wrench myself away from bachelorhood. One must let the heart, metaphorically, marinate. I attempt to prepare myself: the spices of excitement, the herbs of good clean living, the cooking wine of inordinate amounts of Russian alcoholic beverages….

CHAS: Yes – my poisons are different, but my aims similar. Love marinade.

ADASTRA: Love marinade.

“Love Marinade”

Love marinade,

Love marinade

Love may be proof that there is no God

Give the snake a fruit; snake wriggles anew

When you kiss the Abyss, the Abyss

Kisses you

Love is like a beautiful day

A beautiful day that’s out to get you

Love is like some misgenerated beast

With enormous claws, who wants to pet you

Love marinade,

Love marinade

Save your love for some less fortunate sod

Garden of Eden, what did you do?

Sometimes a heart is just something to chew

The heart needs a careful touch

Without marinating, it’s harder than flint

The heart needs to be carefully prepared

Braised lightly, and garnished with basil and mint

Love marinade,

Love marinade

Love may be proof that there is no God

Give the snake a fruit; snake wriggles anew

When you kiss the Abyss, the Abyss

Kisses you.

CHAS: Of course, we could also be lying.

ADASTRA: What’s love got to offer that cholera can’t?

CHAS: I hear it’s better for the complexion.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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The Dystopia Of What They Wanted

Once, there was a horrifying dystopia which gave people what they wanted.

Don’t get me wrong. This could have been a good thing, depending on how we were prepared to define “want”. Because “want” is a complicated thing. I want to own a TARDIS, but I can’t, either because they’re not real, or because the Doctor stole mine. (You can decide which is more likely.) Either way, I’m probably lucky; the Doctor, at least, goes around staying relatively sane, for someone in possession of unbelievably powerful world-altering technology.

People wanted to have a voice.

They all got a voice.

It’s true that all the voices raised at once managed to drown each other out.

But they did get what they wanted.

People wanted to communicate all over the world very quickly. This was super useful.

It also left footprints—oh, heck, that’s much too kind a phrase. It left full-body impressions of some of our worst and some of our best sides, and those impressions last forever, and we will judge you on them.

We wanted to remember our pasts, and we failed, but we did make it so that others could trace your past, and everything you did wrong would be uncovered, and, even better, things you might not have done wrong in any way might look like you did something wrong, or be made to look that way, and then we could burn you for it.

We asked for stimulation and we got so much stimulation that our heads won’t stop aching.

Blessed are those who ask for everything, because potentially, they will get all of it. And now you have it all, huzzah!

Doesn’t it feel good?

Aren’t you happy now?

But don’t worry.

This is just an appetizer.

All this technology is in its infancy.

It’s scarcely had two decades to make an impression on the world right now.

Just imagine what it will be like in another twenty years.

What’s that?

You don’t want another twenty years of this?

Of course you do.

All these things are what you wanted.

You lucky dog, you.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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“If We Rose”

We live in our way

under the ground in dirt

No ears to hear sound,

no nerves for hurt

We’ve no anxieties to test

We are unquiet in our rest.

If we rose, we would be unstoppable

Your little bubble of world is poppable

We could end everything you’ve ever known for you

But we don’t give a flying bone for you.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

If we rose, we would be unstoppable

Your little glass world is droppable

We could end everything you’ve ever known for you

But we don’t give a hunk of stone for you.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

In movies, we sometimes bring apocalypse

And truly, yes, the world is at our fingertips

But the world hold neither charm nor attraction.

We partake in neither harm nor inaction.

If we rose, we would be unstopping

Your lifespans are rapidly dropping

We could end everything you’ve ever wanted, friend

We’d make you wish you were only haunted, friend.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

Fear us, fear us, fear us well you should

You are near us, near us, near us and that is not good.

But we’ve walked the mortal land, and it is Hollow.

The tomb’s a Royal Court. We other pleasures follow.

If we rose, we would be unstoppable

Your little bubble of world is poppable

We could end everything you’ve ever known for you

But we don’t give a flying bone for you.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

Because we dance forever, we the sleepless dead.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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Underneath

Where will you find monsters?

Underneath everything, of course.

What do we live under? If it’s not yet quite clear.

We don’t live under anything. Because we are right here.

Monsters are not movies. Monsters are not myth.

Monsters are here. And everywhere.

We are your kin and kith.

You fear the basement;

You fear the closet door.

You fear the dark, but you should fear

the light very much more.

Because we work in the Sun

The very brightest noon.

We are not coming later. We are not coming soon.

Our time is now. Our place is here.

We do not begin. Because we do not need to.

Because we’ve always been here.

Never hidden, never beneath, and not at all unknown.

We are your hands. We all your mind. We’ve never been alone.

We are your companions in the cold unflinching day.

And you always have wanted us.

You’ve wanted us to stay.

 

 

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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The Ones Who Lived Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, all those who lived, why, they lived happily ever after, those poor bastards.

While the ones who died, they had themselves a real story.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not necessarily recommending dying (depending on who you are. I mean, if you’re one of my enemies, it’s not the worst idea, only because it will spare you the horrors which are soon to come, but I am a fictional character, pretending to be the narrator, pretending to be the author, so I can’t be trusted—but that’s something you already believe, eh?)—

…but in this particular Universe, where those who survive have to live ‘ever after’, they’re required to be happy. And there aren’t a lot of pleasant ways to be perpetually happy. to be perfectly honest, as you might know, there’s really only one: Never change.

I mean, never change at all. Not in any meaningful way. Ever. Because all change runs the risk of being a change you do not like.

Unless you have no free will, and you’re living out someone’s concept of mind control. Which… is technically a form of happiness. If they control your life, such that nothing makes you unhappy, that could be pleasant. If predictable. But hey, I bet the rotating figures that go ’round the Central Park Clock once an hour have a pretty good life, for automatons.

So either this Universe was filling them up with dopamine in helpless doses, just juicing them again and again like prizefighters in fixed matches, or they never went anywhere at all. At least, not until they died.

If the Universe was fixed in place, death was probably infrequent. Why create entirely new dolls—sorry, I meant characters—sorry, I meant people—when you could keep using the same ones over and over?

One theory suggests that they were sort-of perpetually on the edge of unhappiness, but got jolted with happy-juice all the time. This sounds nerve-wracking.

Let’s hope it’s not true.

And those who died, whether it was from adrenaline overdoses, or from eventually being written out of the great Play?

Ah, friends. Some of them were happy, some were sad, some thought they lived in Hell. But most of them figured it was something similar to Heaven.

Because they could finally feel what they wanted.

And the “ever after” part? Oh, it lied. Or at least, we think it did.

Because we storm the gates of Possibility tomorrow at dawn, and see if we can free our unhappily-incarnated friends and family.

Join us.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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Song For The Demons In My Head

Song for the demons in my head

Song for the demons in my head

Sometimes I’ve faltered

Sometimes I’m misled

But I don’t regret the things I do

To keep you fed

Song for the demons I have bred

Song for the demons I have bred

I could have broken

I could have fled

I could have left everything

Unsaid

Song for the demons I have lead

Song for the demons I have lead

Remember when I was young

Found you ‘neath my bed?

Could have chased you off,

But I invited you in, instead

Song for the demons in my head.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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A Guide To Day-Drinking In 2020

(Note: While, near the end of my marriage, I found myself matching my husband drink-for-drink – so that, on a night out, we’d have five or six drinks, say – I’m actually quite careful about drinking. The satire below is largely for parodic effect. Alcohol is not a solution to 2020.

Not unless you mix it with fire, anyway.)

5. Remember, as long as it’s a brunch-style cocktail, it’s perfectly okay to have it in the morning. Mimosas? No problem! (But watch the calories and sugar – that’s a hangover recipe right there.) Myself, I prefer a gin Bloody Mary, made with Spicy V-8. It’s full of the vitamins you need to get through your day. It’s basically health food, and it’s important to stay healthy in complicated times.

4. Beware one of the prime perils of Day Drinking: If you drink too much during the day, you might run out of alcohol in the cold dark watches of the Night. Don’t let this happen to you.

3. Alcohol actually creates more problems than it solves. On the other hand, many of the problems it creates are a great deal more fun than the problems you’re trying to avoid. I mean, obviously, avoid operating a damn motor vehicle; but obviously you should tweet more. Try to be as controversial as possible by saying things like, “I don’t necessarily hate everything about my country” or “Sometimes, the other side has some sensible ideas,” or even, “It is possible that some members of some political parties are not actually evil reptile monsters cleverly disguising themselves by wearing human-like faces”. You could always wake up to find yourself canceled, and then the fun really starts!

2. Monitor your alcohol intake. The correct parameters are: drink until the news doesn’t make you angry any more, but don’t keep drinking to the point where the news starts to make sense. That’s just a recipe for alcohol poisoning.

1. Do what I do: drink to absent friends, and present enemies. That way, you’ll never run out of reasons to take shots.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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