Jeff Mach's Blog, page 50

A Home For The Strange

There’s a  simple goal I have for every Jeff Mach Event: I make weekend-long homes for unusual people.

What does that mean?

The second martial arts school I attended was literally in the back of an alley, up a long flight of stairs. And leading to the school door, there was a pair of signs. The first was a standard martial-arts school notice, “Please remove shoes”. This simple act gave a physical reminder that I was leaving one place—“the street”—and stepping into a different world, with different rules.

The second was at the top of the stairs. “You are entering a traditional karate dojo. Please act accordingly”.

How did one “act accordingly”? I knew many common rules and practices—I also knew that every school I had seen had its own style, rules, approach. What was proper in one school might be utterly wrong in another.

Yet the practical value of that sign was enormous. It always gave me pause, called to my mind all of my associations with training grounds, what I learned there, and who and what those things made me. “Act accordingly”: know what you have come to do, know what you are doing, at least in your own mind. Or, at the barest minimum, recognize in your gut that you’ve come to a place where things are different. Don’t just take that difference passively, when it enters your space; make it a part of your consciousness.

And thus. And so.

You’ve entered our world, a place where we belong, a place where we are not the outsiders, a place where what we do matters, is meaningful, is real, and we are NOT the only ones who know it.

Steampunk, Rocky Horror, Renaissance Faires, Geeky spaces; it doesn’t matter.

Leave the outside world for outsiders.

We bring our homes with us, inside us, we foster them with love and passion.  We’re different–not better, just not the same–and sometimes, we realize: we are not alone.

And that place?  That place is home.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

 

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Some Real Definitions

Memories are like ghosts—there’s one in the room right now because 50 years ago, somebody was murdered and never avenged; and now you’re going to get shanked by a spirit.

Muscle aches are like a victory dance—the kind where you were so excited about the “victory” that you forgot about the “dancing” and you ran into a wall.

Regrets are like ashes—if your Scotch isn’t sufficiently peaty, try a nice cocktail with some fresh ashes and lemon bitters. Yum!

Dragons are like Dragons. There was a writer who tried to compare them to something else, once, and now, no-one even remembers that person existed.

Sleep is like death, only you have to get up and go to work.

Death is like sleep, only you STILL have to get up and go to work. Goddamned Necromancers…

Thrills, chills, and spills don’t actually go well together; they just rhyme. Some things seem like they should be grouped in one place, but they oughtn’t; blood wine and blood sausage, for example.

Darkness is purely metaphorical. There’s no such thing. The twin suns have been exchanging places in the sky with perfect precision for thousands of years. And eclipses are just urban myths, like the Zombie Apocalypse.

The Zombie Apocalypse is only about eight months out. Bide your time. We’ll get there.

Joy is just one side of a coin; the other side is pain. They’re that close. And you never know what will happen if you flip that coin, because this is the Future and nobody uses coins anymore.

The Future is not actually THE Future, it’s a Future, in competition with other Futures to see Who Can Be The Most Dystopian. The secret is, NONE of them want to be dystopian. Each just thinks it’s what they’re SUPPOSED to be and is worried that the others will shame it if they fall out of line.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and wafts back to you on a light breeze, making you slightly high.

Tea pretends it’s way more sophisticated than coffee, because that’s its only natural defense against someone putting coffee in it.

The Pen is not mightier than the sword; that’s just short-sighted. The Pen is mightier than everything.

There’s no time like the Present, which has become the Past as you were reading this, so you might as well quit worrying and have a good time, regardless of whatever’s going on out there.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

 

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Villainpunks: You Made Us

We weren’t always Villains, you know.

Some of us thought we were Heroes. We thought we’d be judged by our deeds, not our opics, and we didn’t realize that eventually, our deeds would cease to be measured by their effects, and begin to be measured purely by whatever voice could scream about them the loudest. Rescue a kitten from a tree? All the world will ever know is the picture of you lifting the kitten from the branch, and the deafening clamour of a hundred voices shouted, “MONSTER PLACES KITTEN IN TREE”.

Eventually, you feel bad for the felines, but you leave them in their arboreal prisons; you just can’t allow it to be your problem anymore.

Someone once said to me that every Villain is the Hero of his own story. I patted on the head and gave him a cookie and threw him in the kitten pit. I can still hear his screams.

I think that there are plenty of thorny ethical debates in the world. But I’m in quarantine/seclusion, working on World Conquest, and I don’t go outside, so I don’t have to worry about thorns unless I order roses for myself.

I have said before that to name something is to claim it. Well, to misname a thing is to let it loose. I was never a Villain until I was so named; and now, it’s the only name to which I want to answer.

I can consume the Moon now, if I so desire.

I can steal hearts, or minds, or souls, or doughnuts. I could even steal a heart-shaped doughnut made entirely from souls; I live nine miles from Hell’s Kitchen, after all.

I can quietly replace everyone’s Starbucks coffee with any sufficiently burnt caffeinated beverage. Nobody will notice.

I can start an entire fake genre with a ridiculous name like “Villainpunk”, and people will buy the books. Then other people will write books in that genre and I will buy their books. And this is actually happening.

Do you want to know why so many of us are no longer attempting the impossible juggling-tightrope-walking-backflipping-apologetic-balancing-act which is necessary in order to not get called a Villain in the modern age?

Because you made us Villains, and now we’re free, and we’re not going back.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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We, the terrible,the awesomely awful,the distinctively ...

We, the terrible,

the awesomely awful,

the distinctively despicable,

the spectacularly spectral,

the monstrous,

we,

in short,

the Villainous,

would like to take this moment

to NOT APOLOGIZE AT ALL.

Let me elaborate:

we would like to take EVERY moment,

every moment,

ever,

in the history of the world,

the history of the Universe,

the history of EVERY Universe,

to not apologize.

We are what you named us,

what you made us,

what you called us.

You called forth the monsters

within us;

and we have gifted you with what you wanted;

and that’s more than enough,

more than you deserve,

but less then you will get.

Because,

for a limited time,

you can take advantage of this low, low offer:

that we will stoop lower than

you ever thought possible,

commit unspeakabilities

which will never be spoken,

because they probably won’t be survived.

Or maybe we’ll just sit at home and write poetry;

it’s all one, isn’t it?

Once you’ve conveniently convinced yourself

that we have converted

to the converse

of anything kind,

once you’ve decided to be sure

that we are irredeemable,

why would we bother doing dirty deeds,

cheaply or otherwise?

Would you like to know who the REAL monsters are?

TOO LATE, SUCKER.

I’d love to claim credit, but I cannot.

It wasn’t I who filled every molecule of discourse with allegations of monstrosity, shifting goalposts, and the well-planned, brilliantly-executed destruction of some of the fundamental points of logic. (We’ve known for HOW many thousands of years that you cannot prove a negative? And yet, we now consider it a basic standard of Non-Villainy. It’s a wonder there’s anyone LEFT playing for the other team.)

No, they destroyed the forces which made it possible to figure out who was or wasn’t a Villain, and then they started calling everyone Villains.

All I did was opt out early. Instead of trying to claim I was still a Hero, I took on the mantle of Villainhood.

And that mantle looks great on me.

Try it on. It’ll look great on you.

Don’t take my word for it. Go get a nice dark cloak and work on your evil laugh.

It’s much more fun with the monsters-who-admit-it than the monsters-who-try-to-hide-it-by-calling-everyone-else-monsters.

We’re all monsters, but at least some of us are fun at parties.

 

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

The post appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

An Ode To Orc Girls

(For the #HowToBeOrc campaign by Orcgirl – and, of course, for anyone who enjoys l’amour vert.)

If you like romance with a little torque,

You might decide to date an Orc.

To find her, swipe not right nor left;

just wait until your skull is cleft.

Orc girls are not often lean.

They are many splendid shades of green.

They’re the first ones I would call

To bring me flowers, or smash down a wall.

I don’t care for hair of flax,

I want someone who can swing an axe.

My idea of a good first date:

A lovely meal, a witty debate,

An enemy village, mildly raided,

Our enemy’s skulls neatly paraded,

Perhaps a rose, or just some thorns,

Then victory dance ’til early morn.

I dated once a fellow Elven;

His heart was four degrees. Kelven.

Now, of course, your mileage will vary,

But if again I ever marry,

I’d look for someone who was mighty,

(Elves, I fear, are sometimes flighty),

Someone who liked little pleasures,

Like hewing down foes, and stealing their treasures.

(Now Elves are fine and Elves are grand;

My goal’s just that you understand:

Everyone loves Legolas

But not every being need look thus.)

All I’m saying, the world is vast,

There are many experiences to be amassed,

Some creatures are dainty, some are not,

Some have no muscles. Some have quite a lot.

It’s possible the one you crave

Might live in a castle. Or live in a cave.

But if you’re an Orc, let none cast shame,

Or say all beauty is the same.

To the joys of Orcs, I sing this ode:

Now let’s go make some enemies explode.

 

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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Reports of Jeff Mach’s Death

My name is Jeff Mach. In 2018, I was canceled, under allegations of absolutely horrifying things…which were not true. It’s been a long, strange trip. Once in a great while, I write a little about it.

I never really talk about it, but:

For those of you who knew Jeff Mach between his birth on January 27th, 1975, and his death on January 23rd, 2018, he is, I am sorry to say, dead; but I bear his name and his body and his legacy, and I take responsibility for all that he did, good and bad. But that fellow..I vaguely remember him, but he’s not even a ghost anymore.

I don’t mean that, if I was kind to you, if I was your friend, that I don’t have most of that person’s memories, that I don’t remember you or the things that have been special between us. I know some of the things that the old, dead Jeff Mach knew, but not much.

He was not killed by the haters, the monsters, the schemers, the abusers, and (let’s not forget) the perfectly sincere, sad, angry people who have never studied neuroscience, and believe the stories they tell themselves, rather than the truth of what they meant or felt. I killed him, and I’m not sorry.

“He actually was murdered,

I’d taken him apart,

But when I put him back together, I could not find his heart.”

-Lou Reed, “Trade In”

This is what happens when your reality is warped by people you loved, trusted, helped in their lives and careers, supported, gave paychecks to–people whom you helped, people who either can’t stand the knowledge that they wouldn’t be where they are except for this person their friends call a “monster”, or people who milked your company for paychecks and defrauded people in their quest for power.

Because there’s a disconnect. I have not done the things they say I’ve done. I have not changed; my actions have not changed; it’s just become really popular, really easy, really supported to say that I never helped anyone. The theory that I was an Incompetent Super-Genius Criminal with a time machine fixes everything–the people who believe that I never made any money, while also believing that I stole tons of money, while also believing that I have decades of business practice, knowing that if they scream loud enough, nobody will ask, “How did this seeming-monster break the law thousands of times over the course of twenty years without leaving a single shred of evidence?”

So. I still remember fondly places I used to go, people I used to know, things I used to be, because I have never changed. I’ve never been an abuser, a cheat, a monster, a master criminal, a superhuman menace to society. And a thousand angry people, getting likes and loves on their posts for taking the ‘brave’ (and super, super popular) position that in all the years I paid them, helped them, supported them, trusted them, worked with them… it was all some kind of unexplained but nefarious plot.

Jeff Mach was a sweet guy, not perfect, but just a human working hard and dreaming big dreams with thousands of other people.

What I am now?

Well, once I was a battering ram, a tool of other people, a weapon in someone else’s hands.

Now, I am a weapon of my own will.

Let’s do this.

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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10 Pieces Of Advice For Modern Life

Yes, you’ll probably be buried alive at some point. This is particularly unpleasant for those with claustrophobia. On the other hand, modern witch-hunters have, as yet, found no way to have sturdy coffins built via complaints on the internet, and many of them have never even picked up a shovel before. So probably, you’re technically below ground level, but most likely you’re not covered by grave dirt. Just hammer determinedly on the coffin for a while. It’s probably poorly-assembled and from IKEA. You should be able to get out and wreak appropriate vengeance.
Do not confuse the real world, wherein brilliant artist Andy Warhol promised us all “15 minutes of fame”, with the current world, wherein all of us will instead be the objects of Orwell’s “Two Minute Hate”, several times over.
Some days, people will NOT bury you in a coffin. Instead, they will interact with you. These will be known as “the bad days”.
Social media is your friend. In fact, it is your ONLY friend. Should you be denied its headlines of outrage and its infrequent pictures of cats, you will wither away and die in a few days, and we will turn you into soup.
AVOID THE SOUP.
It was once theorized that the way to deal with bad things in the world was to try to achieve stability and comfort so one could devote one’s mental and physical resources towards fighting bad things.
It is now known that if you put ALL OF YOUR ENERGY into being AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE, you’ll have no CHOICE but to fight the bad things, because otherwise, you’d have no purpose in life. So….plush cushions are out, spike-covered office seats are in!
Future historians will look back on this time period and laugh.
No, just kidding; they’ll cry.
…oh, who am I trying to fool. There IS no future.

Enjoy the ride!

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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Totally Real Reviews of “I Hate Your Prophecy”

I would like to assure you that all of these are TOTALLY 100% real reviews of my new book, “I HATE Your Prophecy“.

I mean…as you should know by now…

…a Dark Lord wouldn’t LIE, right?

“I thought a satirical apocalyptic Dark Lord novel would make me want to drink. Unfortunately, I accidentally knocked over the bottle of whiskey onto the tome. Undaunted, I drank the book. It had a honey sweetness going down, and then a kick like a giant mutant mule with a bad temper and very, very heavy metal shoes. Seven stars out of five; would drink again.”

-Charles Dickens

“I was somewhat worried, having read the author’s books and found them to be made entirely out of tricksy stuff, namely, words. I thought he might have repented and be seeking redemption, but what’s that I see in this book? That’s right…more words. the author is clearly beyond hope. I put the damn thing down and went to go watch more videos about people yelling at each other.”

–Jean-Paul Sartre, famed comedian

“Sir, you shall be hearing from the Elvish Court shortly.”

~Gimli, Elf King

“Do not attempt to place this object on your head and use it as a Sorting Hat. I found out the hard way. Please don’t ask what the hard way was. I’m giving this book five stars, on the condition that the author takes it away and never lets it near me again.”

–Catherine the Great, pop star

“I literally could not put this book down because I temporarily forgot how hands work, and also, I’m a giant lobster and don’t have hands.”

–Arya Stark, motivational speaker

“This is definitely one of the two best novels I have ever published.”

–Jeff Mach, professional burrito

“On the one hand, nobody would want to read this weirdo’s idea of a fantasy universe. On the other hand, I’m from the future, and I can assure you that George R. R. Martin’s “Ice and Fire” thing was never finished, so you might as well blow your cash on this.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien, Elder God

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

The post Totally Real Reviews of “I Hate Your Prophecy” appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Actual Reviews of “I Hate Your Prophecy”

I would like to assure you that all of these are 100% real reviews of my new book, “I HATE Your Prophecy“.

I mean…as you should know by now…

…a Dark Lord wouldn’t LIE, right?

“I thought a satirical apocalyptic Dark Lord novel would make me want to drink. Unfortunately, I accidentally knocked over the bottle of whiskey onto the tome. Undaunted, I drank the book. It had a honey sweetness going down, and then a kick like a giant mutant mule with a bad temper and very, very heavy metal shoes. Seven stars out of five; would drink again.”

-Charles Dickens

“I was somewhat worried, having read the author’s books and found them to be made entirely out of tricksy stuff, namely, words. I thought he might have repented and be seeking redemption, but what’s that I see in this book? That’s right…more words. the author is clearly beyond hope. I put the damn thing down and went to go watch more videos about people yelling at each other.”

-Jean-Paul Sartre

“Do not attempt to place this object on your head and use it as a Sorting Hat. I found out the hard way. Please don’t ask what the hard way was. I’m giving this book five stars, on the condition that the author takes it away and never lets it near me again.”

-Catherine the Great

“I literally could not put this book down because I temporarily forgot how hands work, and also, I’m a giant lobster and don’t have hands.”

-Arya Stark

“This is definitely one of the two best novels I have ever published.”

-Jeff Mach

“On the one hand, nobody would want to read this weirdo’s idea of a fantasy universe. On the other hand, I’m from the future, and I can assure you that George R. R. Martin’s “Ice and Fire” thing was never finished, so you might as well blow your cash on this.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

The post Actual Reviews of “I Hate Your Prophecy” appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

For And From My Heart

Never, ever, ever upon a time,

there was no kingdom at all,

no magic,

no Dragons,

no Knights,

no sandwiches

(not that sandwiches were really missed, not in a land where one has “toasties”) –

and, indeed, there was no time at all.

no space.

no dimensions.

just darkness.

Now, how was there darkness?

Wasn’t there nothing?

Why, no!

No,

there was something, something

like nothing,

specifically,

there was no world,

no spaceships,

no Moon landing,

no alien,

exactly one taco

(I ate it, sorry)

and darkness, darkness.

Never ever ever ever,

there was that of which

George Harrison told us to beware:

Darkness.

In this world of emptiness,

this world where all there was

was the absence of anything to see,

the ability to move forever and a day

and go nowhere,

this blinding shadow without end,

there was only one thing,

not a tangible thing,

not a physical thing,

not a thing you could hear

or sense

or taste (be grateful),

just the one thing, the one

damn

thing,

my ultimate and

implacable hatred

of all other humans

everywhere,

everywhen,

everyhow,

a force,

a thing,

a sensation,

a being

so vast

that it had its own

plane

its own dimension

its own ultra-space,

and all that blackness

is contained in my heart

and my heart

(as I’ve told you before)

isn’t there;

there’s nothing but a black

hole in

my chest, and now,

at last,

you know a little what that hole is like.

Humanity,

I hate you as a whole,

but you have some very nice individuals,

and to be perfectly honest,

I think that’s actually a bit more optimistic

than how most people feel about the world.

So it is;

so mote it be;

Excelsior!

 

Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

The post For And From My Heart appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.