Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 4

A Quick Reminder About Tomorrow Night's Event

Here's a quick reminder that I'll be at the Warren Newport Library in Gurnee tomorrow night, Tuesday, August 13th, at 7:00 PM. (Yes, I'll be there with more treats and surprises a la the Palatine Library event!)

Register for the free event here or by calling 847-244-5150 ext. 5.

Hope to see you there!

P.S. I'll shortly be announcing an exciting mini-tour coming up next month...

It's Posted on Amazon, Which Means It's No Longer a Secret

I'm delighted to share the cover of Twisted Sisters, my newest novel, in stores everywhere on February 4th, 2014!

And yes, this is my FAVORITE COVER EVER!!

Tomorrow! Treats! Surprises!

Here's a quick reminder that I'll be doing a talk at the Palatine Public library tomorrow night at 7:00 PM.  The event is free and open to the public and a bookseller will be on
site if you'd like to purchase any books past/present.  I'm also happy to
sign books you already own.

BTW, I shall be there with TREATS AND SURPRISES!

(What do treats and surprises entail?  I'm not sure.  But still, there will be TREATS AND SURPRISES of some sort, count on that.) 

Here are the specifics:

JULY 23rd, 7:00 PM

PALATINE PUBLIC LIBRARY

700 N. North Court

Palatine, IL  60067

Please register for the event here. 

Personally, I'm having trouble accessing the registration link, but am not sure if that's on the library's end or the fact that I'm too lazy to run a software update, so here's the program director's info in case you need it: 

Phil Skeltis

847.358.5881 x164

pskeltis@palatinelibrary.org

I believe registration is largely so they can gauge how much staff to have on hand and how many chairs to unfold, so if you can't register, don't take that to mean you can't come.

See you tomorrow... with TREATS AND SURPRISES!

For the First Time, My Using the Title "Houston, We Have a Problem" Is Actually Relevant

Two days, two
kills.

That’s my current
spider-slaying record.

I discovered
the first one a couple of nights ago, hanging out on the wall of my bedroom.  The arachnid was MASSIVE and HAIRY and
possibly made me scream a bit.  Mind you,
I’m normally pretty Zen when it comes to spiders because I know how beneficial
they are.  I generally leave them in
place or relocate them outdoors with a square of cardboard. 

Yet this one
was MASSIVE and HAIRY, to the point that its MASSIVE HAIRINESS needs to be
noted no less than three times.

Also, the
spider had some kind of marking on its back, which concerned me.  Sporty racing stripe or possible black widow?  I wasn’t about to find out.  As I
didn’t want it to escape while I hunted down Fletch, I decided to kill it
myself. 

Death via
Dyson.

I ran across
a smaller spider last night and, emboldened by the previous night’s success,
smashed him post-haste with a wad of toilet paper.

Two days, two
kills.

At breakfast
this morning, I crowed to Fletch about how I was a super-empowered-spider-slayer
now and he was all, “That’s some fancy feminism there, Tex.  Ms. Magazine
is certain to put you on the next cover.”

Then it took
me a minute to realize he was teasing me. 

Here’s the
thing – and I’m not proud of this – I’m a terrible feminist because I’m never
one to concern myself over the inequality of the sexes. 

I’m so out of
touch with the concept of feminism, in fact, that I just had to Google the
definition to make sure I had it right. 

(Let’s all
take a well-deserved Shame Break here.)

BTW, according
to Webster’s Dictionary, feminism is the advocacy of women’s rights on the
grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men, and again, please
excuse the co-morbidity of my shame and my privilege.

My only
explanation is that since I’m our household’s primary breadwinner, and because
all the decisions made under this roof are determined together, and as all the leaders
I deal with in publishing are female, it simply hasn’t occurred to me that this
hasn’t been everyone’s experience of late.

Sure, it’s
2013 in my world, but my world pretty much ends at my fingertips.

Ergo, when
advocates in my industry speak out about how women and men receive unequal
treatment when it comes to literary review coverage, I’m generally too busy
watching Real Housewives to notice.

I know.

I KNOW.

And I’m
sorry.

But, this
lack of awareness about feminism brings me to something that’s been bothering
me for almost a month.  I touched upon
this in a Facebook post a while back and I thought that would be the end of
it. 

Yet I’m still annoyed, so perhaps it’s
not.

When I travel
for book tour, I’m very fortunate to stay in fantastic hotels because my publisher
has the benefit of a corporate rate.  I’m
often booked in a Four Seasons, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.  Each time I stay with them, it’s a pure delight
and, once in a while, there’s some manner of outrageously thoughtful treat waiting for me: 

And yes,
everything you see pictured above was edible. 

(If you think my loyalty can’t be bought with a chocolate-covered
strawberry or a fondant GIF of my dog, then think again.)

Anyway, when I
arrived at the Four Seasons in Houston, I stepped into my room and found the
following amenity:

If it’s not
clear from the photo, my amenity included granola, water, a magazine I never
buy, and a Jillian Michaels butt workout on
DVD.

So… no
strawberries, then?

I laughed,
assuming that I’d received someone else’s amenity.  I snapped a shot and sent it to my friend
Stacey who replied that this screamed, “Welcome to the Four Seasons, Fattie!” 

As her response
made me laugh again, I posted it on Twitter, along with a photo and then I went to
the pool.

Upon my return,
I found the amenity was still there. 
That’s when I read the accompanying pamphlet and saw that the Four
Seasons Houston was calling this the Gal on the Go package.  As I scanned the marketing piece, I noted
said package offered a free glass of wine and a discount on spa treatments, and
that’s cool.  Probably not anything I’d
take advantage of while on a business trip, but still, very thoughtful.

Then, somewhere
deep within my lizard brain, my subconscious finally, finally turned off Bravo and began to pay attention, likely when I
read the text surrounding the Gal on the Go menu:

 

Um…

“Oh, crap, its
[sic] that time of the month!”

“What’s going
on in Hollywood?”

“Ugh, my
makeup won’t come off!”

Here’s the
thing – we’ve pretty much established that I’m a card-carrying, false-eyelash-applying,
hair bow-wearing member of the Barbie Army. 

Do you know
how hard it is to awaken my feminist sensibilities?

Do understand
how grievously you must have erred to
stir my awareness?

And yet the
Gal on the Go pamphlet did just that.

Suddenly I
felt like Lisa Simpson in the episode where she discovered her Malibu Stacy
doll was programmed to say, “Math is hard.”

Okay, number
one – and present company excluded – if you’re a businesswoman who’s at the
point in your career of scoring a suite at the Four Seasons, chances are YOU
ARE NOT A DING-A-LING and you’re not going to run around squealing about lacking
proper feminine protection because you’re PREPARED FOR THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU’RE
A GROWN-UP.

You probably don’t
even squeal in the first place. 

(And
peri-menopause may have already taken care of the rest.)

Two, my guess is
you’re going to be more concerned about internet connectivity and meeting space
and a competent concierge than you are about having a private butt workout and a special little velvet box in which to
store your sparkly bits. 

And why
wouldn’t a competent person, male or female, simply stash valuables in the room
safe?

Again, my
problem wasn’t with the amenity so much as the way it was presented. 

Providing these services is a thoughtful
gesture. 

Providing
these services in a way that minimizes and infantilizes its users is not.

I mean, seriously? 

A She-mergency?

Seriously? 

Also?  I’m
allowed to call myself a "gal," but you,
random marketing person who I’d SWEAR was a clueless twenty-something male, are
not.

In terms of
equality, is there a Guy on the Go package? 
What’s in it?  Cigars?  Bourbon?  Foot powder? 
Porn and a healthy supply of hand lotion? 

Before I left
– and to be fair, my stay was otherwise spectacular – I filled out the provided comment
card explaining exactly what was wrong with the promotion.  Again, my issue wasn’t with the services
offered but the condescending way in which they were presented. 

As
service-oriented as this hotel chain has always proven to be, I can’t imagine
they’d willingly engage in a promotion that others found offensive, so I took
the time to share my input. 

(I can’t be
the only one who feels this way, right?)

A few days
later, the Four Seasons in Houston tweeted at me, explaining that they weren’t
saying “Welcome, Fattie” so much as they were offering a cool-ass package to
business travelers.

So... apparently it’s my fault for misunderstanding their intentions of giving me a
butt DVD in lieu of delicious candy.

Then they explained
that all their amenities are based on guest feedback (read:  all the
other gals loved it) and placed on their “dedicated floor for women.”

Dedicated
floor for women.

Dedicated floor for women.

Separate.

But equal.

And that's when I disengaged because I was getting nowhere.

I’m guessing
this sort of first-world-privileged rant won’t earn me a spot on the cover of Ms. (would they even let me wear a bow?) but my hope is this
will encourage the Four Seasons Houston to tweak their marketing on this
particular promotion. 

Then, the
next time some female oil exec checks in - you know, the kind of woman who not only can kill her own spiders, but who's also worked twice as hard as her counterparts to prove her merit in a male-driven industry - she won’t be thrown off her game when
she confronts the same blatant sexism that she’s spent her entire career
battling.

FYI, she’d
probably enjoy some dipped strawberries, too.

A Quick Before and After

Oh, hi, is this thing still on?

Yes? 

Okay, then.

Although I wouldn't say the tour for The Tao of Martha killed me, I'm not entirely sure it made me stronger, as evidenced by last week's massive sinus and ear infection.   (Still not entirely recovered from that, BTW.)  (Also, apologies to everyone I insisted "feel my glands" at the City Winery event.  In retrospect, perhaps I could have simply mentioned I was under the weather, instead of offering up physical evidence.)

Regardless, hello, and thank you for coming out while I was on the road!  As always, I love meeting you, even though the nine million flights I had to take to get there left me with lymph nodes the size of golf balls.  (Which so many of you gamely palpitated at my urging.  Again, I'm sorry.  Sometimes I need an internal editor to screen my words I say before I say them.)

Anyway, while I was on the road, many of you wanted to know if I was still living my life via Martha's dictates.  I'm delighted to tell you that (much like a viral infection) I haven't entirely been able to shake her.  Case in point, my Independence Day party was lovely, well-orchestrated, and almost 100% less white trash than last year. 

Unfortunately, I was largely too busy enjoying the day to photograph it. 

So, instead I'd like to offer the following before and after shots to demonstrate my devotion to said Tao.

Here is Swampsylvania, AKA the area just off the kitchen, back in April:

Yes, it gives me The Sads, too.

Fletch wanted to hack down all the trees, but I thought that was a mistake.  When the area would fill in during the summer, it was dense and lush, affording a nice bit of privacy from the house next door.  I didn't want to lose all the greenery.

Our goal here was twofold - one, to better manage drainage, and two, to make the area visually appealing... or at least not so depressing that we wanted to take a butter knife to a vein while eating breakfast.

While I was away, Fletch regraded the cover to the catch basin and chainsawed the bejesus out of most of the area.  Then he covered it all with about ten cubic yards of mulch.  However, at no point did the words "landscaping fabric" come into the equation, so now we're buying Roundup by the gallon. 

It happens.

As for my contribution, I picked out the furniture (which Fletch built), arranged the flowers, and negotiated for the preservation of at least a few of the trees. 

What I'm going to show you next is Phase One.  Phase Two includes putting down landscaping fabric, planting more trees, removing stumps, and a building gardening shed. 

But in terms of making breakfast less depressing, I'd say we nailed it:

The area looks... intentional now, doesn't it?  The entrance to the backyard is a bit to the left and now when outdoor party guests arrive, the whole area communicates "Welcome!" as opposed to the "Clearly we've given up" vibe from before.

The big tree in the middle is actually buckthorn and will have to go eventually, but for now, it stays.  The shed will sit where the chairs on the right are and the willows will take the place of the buckthorn.  We'll likely add a few evergreens to break up all the winter gray, too.  We both thought a Skymall six foot tall Bigfoot statute would be hilarious but, A) they're $2500 and B) there is no B because they're $2500.  Once the trees are in place, we'll plant Boston Ivy to climb the fence. 

Please note my hopefully little bird feeder in the tree.  I thought feeding the birds would enhance the whole outdoor experience, what with their songs and the flashes of their colorful plumage.  I delighted at the thought of bird-watching while at the table and debated on whether or not to buy a book on field identification so I could impress guests with all my knowledge. 

As it turns out, I've provided a sumptuous bird buffet... for all the hawks who've set up camp in the backyard. 

Did not see that coming.

However, it wouldn't be The Tao of Jen without a few weeds and egregious avian assassination, so there you have it.

Point?

Welcome back!

 

Tour City Details

The tour for THE TAO OF MARTHA starts in less than a week! 

Whoooooooo's exciiiiiiiited?

THIS GAL!!

(It saddens me that I'm completely sober in this awful photo from last Easter.)

(Also, ask me the "Who's excited?" question again when I'm two weeks into hitting a new city every day and I have strep throat and I'm getting up at 2:45 AM to catch a flight after going to bed at midnight.)

(But in terms of TV, there's a badass thing that I'll tell you about as soon as I have the official go-ahead.  You will die.  For reals.  Unless there's breaking news and I'm preempted and then I will die.  For reals.)

Anyway, as for tour specifics, I'm reposting the cities along with the rules for the signings.  Some events will require wristbands and some require purchases.  As the bookstores put forth a good deal of time and expense to bring me to their towns, I ask that you please comply with their rules.  With the changes in publishing over the past few years, I realize what a gift it is to be sent on tour and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to meet you all in person.

Here we go, with my remarks in italics:

 

  NEW YORK , NY

Tuesday, June 4

Barnes & Noble

97 Warren St (at Greenwich St)

New York, NY  10007

6 PM

Guidelines: There will be a
“bracelet system” for signing. Priority seating for those buying books. Anyone
who goes through the signing line must have bought at least one of Jen’s books
from the store.  (First night of tour!  I will not be sweaty or incoherent yet!)

 

PARAMUS , NJ

Wednesday, June 5

Barnes & Noble

765 Route 17 South

Paramus, NJ  07652

7 PM

Guidelines: Fans may bring books
from home but in order to get something signed or take a picture, a purchased
copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA is required from a Barnes & Noble store.  (Can I tell you HOW EXCITED I am to be returning to Bergen County after 35 years?  UNFLATTERING BUNNY EARS-PHOTO EXCITED!)

 

WASHINGTON , DC

Thursday, June 6

Barnes & Noble

4801 Bethesda Ave

Bethesda, MD  20817

7 PM

(They may have rules, but we don't yet know them.  If there's an update, I'll post it.)

 

RALEIGH/CARY, NC

Friday, June 7

Barnes & Noble

760 SE Maynard

Cary, NC  27511

7 PM

Guidelines: Customers are
encouraged to purchase their copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA from the store. There will be numbered
line passes which are handed out beginning at 9 AM. Attendees will then be
called up based on group #.  (I've never been here before, so I'm delighted to be seeing new faces!)

 

SEATTLE , WA  

Monday, June 10

Third Place Books

17171 Bothell Way NE

Lake Forest Park, WA 
98155

7 PM

Guidelines: Ticket required for
entry into the signing line, which gets you a copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA. No
limit on other books brought from home, and no ticket required to hear Jen
speak. Tickets available June 4th: 206-366-3316 or www.thirdplacebooks.com.

 

PORTLAND , OR

Tuesday, June 11

Barnes & Noble

7227 SW Bridgeport Road

Tigard, OR  97224

7 PM

Guidelines: There will be no signing limits on books that are
purchased at the event, however the store will limit signings to one
brought from home per customer.

 

SAN DIEGO , CA

Wednesday, June 12

Barnes & Noble

10775 Westview Parkway

San Diego, CA  92126

7 PM

(They may also have rules, but we don't yet know them.  Will post if this changes.)

 

DALLAS , TX

Thursday, June 13

Barnes & Noble

7700 West Northwest Highway

Dallas, TX  75225

7 PM

Guidelines: Please present
your Barnes & Noble receipt for THE TAO OF MARTHA beginning at 5 PM June 13
to receive a ticket to save your place in line. Those with a book but without a
Barnes & Noble receipt may pick up their ticket beginning 6:30 PM on June
13. Once someone has a ticket they can get anything signed.  (I will not sign body parts.  So sorry, so prudish.)

 

HOUSTON , TX

Friday, June 14

Barnes & Noble

River Oaks Shopping Center

2030 W. Gray Street

Houston, TX  77019

7 PM

Guidelines: Entry to the event/signing line will be first
come, first served. Fans are asked to purchase a book from the store and that
books brought from home are limited to two.

 

PITTSBURGH , PA  

Monday, June 17

Barnes & Noble

100 West Bridge Street

Homestead, PA  15120

7 PM

(They may have rules but we don't know them yet.  Will post if this changes.)

 

MINNEAPOLIS , MN

Tuesday, June 18

Barnes & Noble

3225 W 69th St

Edina, MN  55435

7 PM

Guidelines: Wristbands will be
handed out beginning at 9 AM on the morning of the event. The store prefers
that at least one book signed be purchased from there.  (After a long absence, my heart has grown fonder for Minneapolis!)

 

ANN ARBOR , MI

Wednesday, June 19

Nicola’s Books

2513 Jackson Rd.

Ann Arbor, MI  48103

7 PM

Guidelines: There will be a line
ticketing system, with priority given to lower numbers on a first-reserved
first served basis.  Call the store or go in person for an earlier number.

 

CHICAGO , IL

Thursday, June 20

Barnes & Noble

55 Old Orchard Center

Skokie, IL  60077

7 PM

Guidelines: A ticketing system
will be used to establish signing line order. Customers who have
purchased a copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA from a Barnes & Noble store will
receive priority.

 

MILWAUKEE , WI

Friday, June 21

Barnes & Noble

2500 N Mayfair Rd

Wauwatosa, WI  53226

7 PM

Guidelines: A Barnes & Noble
receipt for The Tao of Martha is required to enter the signing line. 
Seating for the event will be limited and is on a first come first serve basis
(there is no saving of seats) and will be available after 4pm. Store does not
allow for any pre-pay books to be signed for those who cannot attend the event.
Unfortunately there will be no posing for pictures at this event, but fans can
take pictures of Jen while she is signing.  (This is about line flow - I can get there early to accommodate for pictures, or stay late.  No worries, you'll get your shot if you want one.)

 

And with that, I hope to see you on the road!

I'll be there with bells ears on.

 

 

(Early) Summer Reading List

Who’s ready
for the (Early) Summer Reading List?

If your
answer isn’t an emphatic “I am!  I am!” then
this post is likely not for you.

First
up?   

THE TAO OF MARTHA by this very
attractive (okay, heavily Photoshopped) person on the book cover.

See what I did
there?  I put my own book at the top of the (Early) Summer Reading List, less because I’m absolutely
convinced it’s the best, best, best thing you’ll read all summer, and more because I’ll be
in massive trouble if I don’t mention that I have a new memoir coming out on June 4th.  (Apparently if I write a book and then
don’t tell my audience I’ve written it, it’s like no one hearing a tree falling
in the forest.  Or some shit like that.)

All kidding
aside, I love this book and I hope you will, too.  The Tao of Martha is my attempt at perpetrating
a happiness project in which I spend a year living by Martha Stewart’s dictates.  As I knew I was in for a rough 2012, I
wanted a way to try to stockpile happiness when things went awry, hence this
book. 

Although the
notion of a happiness project sounds super-Oprah and all Eat, Pray, Love, I actually looked to Martha for inspiration
because she offers actionable advice. 
She’ll tell you what to eat, how to pray, and who to love.  I needed a
drill sergeant and not a best friend, and Martha fit the bill beautifully.

Tao is a lot
more personal than anything I’ve written in a while and the entire book is full
of surprises (some bittersweet), save for the few photos I posted on Facebook
along the way.  I so hope you enjoy it!

Flagrant
self promotion out of the way, let’s move on to the rest of the list!

 

THE POTTY
MOUTH AT THE TABLE by Laurie Notaro

Fact: If it
weren’t for Laurie Notaro, I may never have had a career as an author.  I was unemployed and under-stimulated when I first
picked up The Idiot Girls’ Action
Adventure Guide.  I inhaled this
hilarious book in a day, the whole time thinking, “You’re allowed to write funny
stories about getting drunk and falling down?  I WANT IN ON THIS!”

In Potty Mouth, Notaro’s back and better
than ever.  There wasn’t a single chapter
where I didn’t find myself braying like a jackass and reading sections to Fletch, like the brief
aside where she encounters an old lady with a jaunty beret and crazy glasses,
walking a small dog, and she’s convinced that she’s just run into a version of
herself from the future.  Reading Notaro’s
books are like hanging out with a very good friend, or better yet, our own alter
egos, and what’s not to love about that?

 

CALLING ME
HOME by Julie Kibler

I’m not
going to lie – I often pick up books solely because of their covers.  Considering the story the cover art told on
its own, I was already convinced that I’d love it, well before I read how it’s
been compared to work like The Help, Driving Miss Daisy, and To Kill a
Mockingbird. 

Mighty big shoes to fill, yes? 

Yet Kibler more than rises to the occasion.

Calling Me
Home is, in a word, haunting.  In another
word, powerful.  Beautiful.  Unexpected. 
I finished reading it a week ago, and I can’t stop thinking about it.  So often, books like these broach difficult
subjects, and the characters dance on the edge of taking a controversial
action, never quite committing to the act, never quite diving in.  Trust me when I tell you that protagonist Isabelle
dives in and the results left me breathless. 
Calling Me Home is definitely in the top five of the best books I’ve
read all year.

 

DAD IS FAT
by Jim Gaffigan

Yes, I just
recommended a book on parenting and, no, I’m not kidding.  I was in New York a few weeks ago and had the
privilege of seeing Gaffigan do a set a Caroline’s. 
I was so utterly charmed by his act that I wanted to support him by
buying his book.

Dad Is Fat is a collection of stories about how
he lives with his wife and five children in a two bedroom apartment in the
Bowery.  I have a great appreciation of
how he’s able to be funny at no one’s expense but his own, considering how easy
it would be to mock his children.  There’s
nothing in this book that would provide potential bully-fodder against his kids
in later years and that makes me respect him all the more. 

As much as I
love edgy, provocative humor, there’s something so refreshing about a man who’s
absolutely smitten with his wife and kids and is unabashedly unafraid to be
family-friendly.

Here’s the
thing about a good book – it doesn’t have to relate to me or my universe for me
to like it.  I appreciate Dad Is Fat for the same reason I loved
Quinn Cumming’s The Year of Learning
Dangerously, which is about her adventures in homeschooling.  Although parenting/homeschooling/living in a
tiny Bowery apartment/etc. aren’t activities in which I’d willingly participate, I
absolutely appreciate the authors’ ability to draw me into their worlds.  For me? 
That’s enough.

P.S. Yes, he’s
the Hot Pockets guy.

 

THE LANGUAGE
OF FLOWERS by Vanessa Diffenbaugh

And, the
last horse to cross the finish line is…me! 
So everyone read and loved this book two years ago.  Listen, I’m sorry.  I’ve been busy, okay?  I've written two books in five months.  Do you know how many books that is?  Okay, two, but two is kind of a lot when you consider the toll on personal and household hygiene.

Regardless, just because I’m super-late to the party
doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a phenomenal read when I finally do get around
to it. 

In some
ways, this book reminds me of the show Revenge,
if Revenge weren’t just God-awful.  Doesn’t mean I don’t dig Revenge, but let’s be real here.  The golden retriever that lived for almost
twenty years?  The sleeveless cocktail
dresses at mid-day in January?  The fact
that everyone in Southampton can be in Montauk in five minutes?  Not only are these towns twenty-five miles
apart, but have you ever driven the Montauk Highway on a summer Saturday afternoon?  Parades move more quickly and -

Ahem.

My point is
that Victoria, the main character, is an orphan who spent her life in group
homes, and because of this, she has no idea how to function in society.  (Sort of like Emily Thorne, except not, you
know, ridiculous.)  I was fascinated seeing the world through Victoria’s
eyes.  The only way she can connect with
anyone is communicating through the language of flowers which I can’t properly explain
because I’m still too annoyed by my deep and abiding love for stupid Revenge, which is neither redeeming nor
heartfelt, unlike The Language of Flowers.

Okay,
pretend I never mentioned Revenge and
read this book, okay?   

Unless you,
like everyone else, already have.  

 

THE SMART
ONE by Jennifer Close

Did you love
Girls in White Dresses last
year?  Yes?  Well, you’re in luck!  Jennifer Close is back with her sophomore debut.
  What I appreciate so much about Close is the detail with which she draws her characters.  Despite telling the story from four perspectives,
there’s never a moment when each character’s voice isn’t completely
distinctive. 

In order to not get all distracted by Revenge again, I offer the following blurb from Stephan Lee of Entertainment Weekly: “If you’re looking
for the literary equivalent of HBO’s Girls, then check out Jennifer
Close’s debut novel, Girls in White Dresses, which charts the
travails of flailing twentysomethings. Her follow-up, The Smart One, feels
the way Girls could circa season 6, when ‘almost getting it kind of
together’ ceases to be cute. . . . This bighearted novel examines a
generation of nonstarters with a mix of empathy and Close’s signature deadpan,
pathos-driven humor.”  (And I can’t put
it any better than this.)

 

Hopefully this list is sufficient to begin filling your
beach bag!  I’ll definitely have more
recommendations within the next month. 
After having written two books in the last five months (so tired! so dirty! such a martyr!) I’m ready to do
nothing but read as soon as I’m done with my June tour. 

Speaking of, tour dates are here.

That's it for now, so happy reading!

(Especially if you're reading The Tao of Martha.)

 

Tao of Martha Tour Cities!

Please, come see me at any of the following events!

NEW YORK , NY

Tuesday, June 4

Barnes & Noble

97 Warren St (at Greenwich St)

New York, NY  10007

6 PM

 

PARAMUS , NJ

Wednesday, June 5

Barnes & Noble

765 Route 17 South

Paramus, NJ  07652

7 PM

 

WASHINGTON , DC

Thursday, June 6

Barnes & Noble

4801 Bethesda Ave

Bethesda, MD  20817

7 PM

 

RALEIGH/CARY, NC

Friday, June 7

Barnes & Noble

760 SE Maynard

Cary, NC  27511

7 PM

 

SEATTLE , WA

Monday, June 10

Third Place
Books

17171 Bothell Way NE

Lake Forest Park, WA 
98155

7 PM

 

PORTLAND , OR

Tuesday, June 11

Barnes & Noble

7227 SW Bridgeport Road

Tigard, OR  97224

7 PM

 

SAN DIEGO , CA

Wednesday, June 12

Barnes & Noble

10775 Westview Parkway

San Diego, CA  92126

7 PM

 

DALLAS , TX

Thursday, June 13

Barnes & Noble

7700 West Northwest Highway

Dallas, TX  75225

7 PM

 

HOUSTON , TX

Friday, June 14

Barnes & Noble

River Oaks Shopping Center

2030 W. Gray Street

Houston, TX  77019

7 PM

 

PITTSBURGH , PA

Monday, June 17

Barnes & Noble

100 West Bridge Street

Homestead, PA  15120

7 PM

 

MINNEAPOLIS , MN

Tuesday, June 18

Barnes & Noble

3225 W 69th St

Edina, MN  55435

7 PM

 

ANN ARBOR , MI

Wednesday, June 19

Nicola’s Books

2513 Jackson
Rd.

Ann Arbor, MI  48103

7 PM

 

CHICAGO , IL

Thursday, June 20

Barnes & Noble

55 Old Orchard Center

Skokie, IL  60077

7 PM

 

MILWAUKEE , WI

Friday, June 21

Barnes & Noble

2500 N Mayfair Rd

Wauwatosa, WI  53226

7 PM

I'm so sorry if I'm not coming to your city.  Tour stops are determined by a number of different factors, including fans' requests, sales and event attendance, amenability of local media, and store availability.  There are a few old favorites I'm not hitting this time, such as Atlanta and Philly, but please don't worry - I'll be back soon and we'll have EXTRA fun the next time I'm there.  Thanks so much for your support!

Although these cities are set in stone, that doesn't mean we can't add stops on the back end if sales merit.  However, the grim reality of what's happening in bookselling today is book tours are perpetually being shortened, if not all together cancelled. Good, bad, or indifferent, publishing has changed dramatically in the past few years.  I've been extraordinarily fortunate to have not only your support, but also the backing of my publisher and the bookstores, all of whom make touring possible. 

So, if I'm coming to your town and you're at all interested, I urge you to come!  (It'll be fun, I promise!  Unless you don't *like* stammering, swearing, and sweating Chardonnay, in which case...) Point?  Attendance ensures not only my coming back, but other authors as well, so I hope to see you on the road!

And if I'm not coming to your town, you can always pre-order here:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Books-A-Million

Indiebound

Walmart

Thanks and see you soon!

 

Oh, Look, Another Post About Channing Tatum (Or, Accidentally Setting Back The Feminist Movement Yet Again)

We’re at the dinner table last night when we see an ad for
some super-explode-y, CGI-filled, alien-invading-looking movie.  Naturally (and immediately) my interest is
piqued.

“Hey,” I say, “rewind what.” 
(If you don’t have the television on during dinner, then please
congratulate yourselves for not slogging along in the cultural morass that is
my life.)  “I believe I’d like to see
that film.”

Fletch rolls his eyes. 
“Of course you would.”  He takes a
bite, chews thoughtfully and then mentions, “I think Channing Tatum may be in
that movie,” which causes me to make what can only be described as an unholy
noise coupled with a mass intake of breath.

He rolls his eyes again. 
“I don’t get it – how come women are allowed to ogle Channing Tatum with
impunity?”

I reply, “Because my interest in him is innocent.  I don’t want to marry him.  I want to be married to you.  I don’t even want to make out with him.  Pretty much my plans for Channing Tatum include
gawping and giggling.”

“Let me ask you this – what would you do if I went all
Pavlovian like you do every time you hear his name?  What would you think if I was apeshit over…
give me the name of some big female star today.”

“Um… Miley Cyrus?”

“Ugh.  No.  How about… Scarlett Johansson?  What if I carried on like you do?  What would happen?  Listen, I know
what would happen.  You’d punch me.”

I nod.  “Most likely,
yes.”

“That doesn’t strike you as bullshit, like a massive double-standard?”

I take another bite of my dinner and nod.  “It’s totally a double-standard.”

“How is that acceptable?”

Well, that is a puzzler. 

I quietly reflect for a moment while I work it all out.  I snap my fingers.  “Got it! 
It’s because for every dollar a man makes, a woman typically makes
seventy-seven cents.  Those twenty-three
disparate cents are our justification.”

“So what you’re telling me is because of pay inequality, you’re
allowed to ogle Channing Tatum as though you were a Teamster on a construction
site?”

“Yep.  Those
twenty-three cents allow us to say whatever we want.  That disparity is what I call the Channing
Tatum Tax.”

This statement leaves him speechless, as well it should.

Now, when’s Magic Mike on again?

 

 

 

 

 

Upcoming Events! Never-Ending Snow! But Mostly Upcoming Events!

If it ever stops snowing and I can, in fact, leave the house again, here's where I'll be over the next few weeks:

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 9TH

TUCSON, AZ

Tucson Festival of Books

Signing at the Mysterious
Galaxy Bookstore booth 

Booth #301 (next to the U of A Mall
Tent)

Mall #2

University
of Arizona

11:00 - 11:45 AM

 

ALSO SATURDAY, MARCH 9TH

Tucson Festival of Books

Humor Is a Girl's Best Friend Panel with Quinn Cummings and Laurie Notaro (Moderator: Molly
McKasson)

Student Union - Kachina Room

University
of Arizona

1:00 PM - 2:00 PM

(When I saw that Laurie and Quinn were on a panel together, I BEGGED to be a part of this event.  I'm so freaking excited to do this with them that I'm not even mad that it's supposed to be fifty degrees and rainy in Tucson that day.  Am happy to spray on my own damn tan if it means spending time with these hilarious women!)

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 10TH

Tucson Festival of Books

Q&A with Laurie Notaro

UA Bookstore

University of Arizona

4:00 PM - 5:00 PM

(Did you miss Laurie and me on Saturday?  Well, we're back together on Sunday!)

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 12TH

Anderson’s Bookshop

123 West Jefferson Ave

Naperville, IL 60540

7 PM

Guidelines: Anderson’s will issue signing line numbers with a purchase of HERE I GO AGAIN. Books purchased outside the store will be honored in addition to the purchase of HERE I GO AGAIN, but limited to two per person.  It will probably be snowing, but we're not going to let that derail us a second time around, right Mother(*&@ing) Nature?

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 19TH

Libertyville Civic Center

135 W. Church St.

Libertyville, IL  60048

7 PM

Register here for this free event!  (During which it will probably snow as spring is not coming.  Ever.)

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 22ND

Spreecast with Beth Harbison

Join us in this social video platform as Beth and I chat live about all kinds of fun stuff!  Beth asked me if she has to wear a shirt for this.  I said yes.  I will likely be in a parka, as this winter is clearly here to stay indefinitely.  You can find the event here.

3:00 PM EST/12:00 PM PST

 

Until then, I'll be in my office, working on my next book which currently contains approximately three hundred pages of the words:

All work and no play makes Jen a dull girl.

(No bonus points for you if you're too young for a Shining reference.)