Cody Wagner's Blog, page 2

Local Author Regrets Changing Name to JK Rowling

Less than a month after changing his name to JK Rowling, local author – previously known as Cody Wagner – has wholeheartedly regretted his decision.

“So I thought it was going to be this amazing thing where I’d sell a bunch of books,” Rowling said, holding up a copy of his novel, The Gay Teen’s Guide to Defeating a Siren. “And over the first week I did! And it was really exciting.”

While Rowling sold two-hundred and eighty-five books the week after his name change, the initial rush of book sales quickly faded.

“So I thought old ladies would accidentally order the book for their grandkids. And they did! But it turns out the elderly can be really mean when mislead. Their purses are all filled with Werther’s Originals and they hurt!”

Rowling, undercover, fending off a mean grandmother attack

There have been other repercussions from misleading book sales. “Look at this email from a random grandmother: ‘I ordered the book for my granddaughter who’s in the hospital with severe pancreatitis. She cried her eyes out when she saw the book wasn’t from her favorite author.'” At that, Rowling shrugged. “I didn’t think sick or dying kids would be tricked into my book. I mean, I’m OK with fooling healthy kids. They have to learn disappointment somewhere. But not this.”

The name change has unexpectedly brought false hope – and more regret – into Rowling’s life. For example, he recently received an e-mail asking him to be the keynote speaker at Comic Con in San Diego. “It was crazy!” Rowling said. “I mean, that’s only like THE event of the year. I freaking lost it I was so excited!” The email was apparently a mix-up and Rowling soon received a retraction. Unfortunately, he had already announced the event to his marketing network. “Admitting the truth on Facebook was so embarrassing. And the only people who liked it used that laughing face instead of the sad one…Idiots.”

Rowling also cites struggles with companies as reasons for his name-changing regret. “So I reached out to GoodReads and tried to get them to put my name above the real J.K. Rowling. And I had a good reason! I decided not to use the periods in my name. So it’s just JK instead of J period K period. Why? Because, alphabetically, I should appear first!” Rowling shook his head and threw his book across the room. “Turns out, they’re really partial to the real J.K. Rowling.” After looking at his screen, Rowling added, “I don’t think it’s OK for an employee to call you a hack.”

The absence of periods in his name has created another unforeseen problem. “I expected people to call me JoAnn and I was prepared for that. But the guy at the 7-Eleven seriously thought my name was Just Kidding.” Rowling started shaking his head before continuing, “He actually said, ‘Have a nice day, Mr. Kidding’.”

When asked if he was going to change his name back to Cody, Rowling replied, “Meh. It was so much work changing it in the first place.”

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Area Man Practices Disappointed Faces Throughout The Disappointments Room

So disgusted with his experience watching new movie The Disappointments Room, local movie-goer Cody Wagner took the opportunity to practice his many disappointed faces.

The Disappointments Room, a horror movie starring Kate Beckinsale, is about a city woman whose husband takes her to live at a lonely country mansion after experiencing a traumatic experience. The summary alone, which Wagner read before the movie, was enough to spawn his first disappointed face:

“Seriously!?” Wagner said before walking into the theater. “The summary might as well be ‘The Disappointments Room, a horror movie starring cliche, is about a cliche whose cliche takes her to live at a cliche after experiencing a cliche.'”

Things didn’t get any better once the movie started. Five minutes in, and Cody had already practiced another disappointed face. It occurred when the film opened with the family driving to the mansion as the husband convinces his wife she won’t regret their move:

Four minutes later, Kate Beckinsale walked into a creepy room. Wagner immediately said, “That door better not slam shut behind her.” Eight seconds later, the door closed, spawning this disappointed face:

Another set of disappointed faces came from the movie’s clever use of horror tropes entirely by accident.

“Kate visits the local paranormal expert slash weirdo,” Wagner said. “And she turns out to be a midget with a high voice. At first I thought it was amazing. But there’s no sly wink-wink at Poltergeist. She never actually does anything! She just scares Kate’s son so he runs away so she and Kate can talk. It’s like the director completely forgot about a horror classic and instead thought, ‘Midgets scare kids, right?'”

While the unintentional tropes resulted in eight faces, the most intense disappointed poses came from one of the films many plot holes.

An hour in, Wagner hissed, “Kate is the only person who’s supposed to see the ghosts. Yet this scene has her son looking at one. And Kate isn’t even around to imagine it!?” Such was his disappointment, Wagner included the use of his body in this picture:

While Wagner’s practice came purely out of frustration, his faces did provide a distraction for other patrons also disappointed with the movie.

“When Kate did that insane drunk scene where she was clearly trying for an Oscar nod,” says Justin Mendell, “I found relief in Cody’s disappointed faces. In fact, instead of the movie, I started watching him.” After looking at the screen for a second and shuddering, Mendell added, “It’s the only reason I’m not asking for my money back.”

Next up, Wagner plans to practice his sad faces while watching The Crying Game.

 

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Area Author Changes Name to J.K. Rowling in Attempt to Sell More Books

In what he calls a genius move, local author Cody Wagner has changed his name to J.K. Rowling in a blatant attempt to sell more books.

“I can’t believe no one has thought of this before,” Rowling said, holding up a book with his new name taped to the front. “When someone says the name J.K. Rowling, people listen. I’m even listening to myself more lately.”

According to Rowling, the name change should increase his sales by eighteen thousand percent. “Last month, my novel The Gay Teen’s Guide to Defeating a Siren sold two copies. And people searched for me on Amazon six times. Do you know how many searches J.K. Rowling gets on Amazon a month? Seventy-two thousand. And guess who’s book is going to appear in the search results and people are going to buy on accident?” At that, Rowling pointed at himself with both thumbs and said, “Cha-ching!”

Sources close to Rowling said he contemplated various name changes over the course of his research.

“Last I checked,” said Rowling’s friend, Richard Ortiz, “he was looking into John Clancy, Shel Silverstein, or William Shakespeare.”

Rowling agreed that J.K. was not his first choice. “I changed my mind after realizing Clancy and Shakespeare have written tons and tons of books. I wouldn’t appear until like page four of a search and no one goes that far. Rowling only has like ten books out. That means I should appear on page one.” Pointing at his head, Rowling added, “Work smarter not harder. That’s what Scrooge McDuck always said.”

Despite his confidence in the name, Rowling had some reluctance at first. “I don’t want to sound sexist or anything, but I admit I didn’t want people to start calling me JoAnn.”

Ortiz disagreed with Rowling’s statement, saying, “I caught him looking into the name Judy Blume.” When Rowling accused him of lying, Ortiz pulled out a notebook. “He even practiced autographs.” Opening the notebook, Ortiz showed seventy-two pages full of different variations of Judy Blume, some complete with hearts and smiley faces.

“Shut up,” Rowling responded.

Since the name switch, Rowling has apparently embraced the  moniker and plans to push his marketing efforts farther.

“If I’m going to adopt the name, I should go all the way, right? I mean, smart book sellers give a hundred and ten percent.” When asked if that meant perfecting his craft or forming writing groups, Rowling responded, “No, that’s stupid. What I mean is, I’m growing my hair out. See?”

Rowling then presented a picture of himself that will apparently go on his website, Amazon, and on the front and back covers of his books. He also provided a photo of the real J.K. Rowling for comparison.

“If you squint really hard, I totally look like her. That’s good for at least a hundred sales. I mean, blind old ladies buy books for their grandkids, right?” After squinting at the picture for a few minutes, Wagner said, “Maybe I should have shaved first.”

As of press time, Rowling is in the process of changing his website to www.rowling-writer.com and has been practicing a British accent.

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Pokemon Go Book Tag

Read at Midnight has come up with this really fun Book Tag game for Pokemon Go. My friend Jackie participated and it was so cute, I had to jump on board. So CHOOO CHOOOOO! All aboard the Pokemon Train(er). Yes, I just said that.

I think everyone now knows it wasn’t just one book, it was a series. And it was an exciting, harrowing, touching, and all-around amazing series. I’m talking, of course, about Nancy Drew. Nancy and her friends taught me how to do the right thing. More importantly, they taught me to love eating out at restaurants. Every time they stopped at a cute little diner, I’d close my eyes and pretend to eat pie with them.

If we’re talking about books that made me want to write, then I have to credit John Irving’s A Prayer for Owen Meany. Halfway through the novel, I was like “I want to do this! I want to make people feel like this!” The book blew me away.

Hmmmm… I’m trying to think what book this would be. Metamorphosis by Kafka was the first teenage novel I read that made me bawl. Oh man I cried when I read it. But I don’t reread it that often as it’s overwhelming for me. I think I’m gonna answer The Grapes of Wrath for this one. The Great Depression is my favorite era in history. I’ve read the novel a few times and love feeling like I’m really there. Even if “there” sucked.

So I could really use a few more Zubats in Pokemon Go. I want to replace this picture with a damn Pidgey. I hate them. But I digress.

I’m kinda the person who will end up reading a book if it gets that popular. I don’t lose interest because I don’t wanna be left out. That’s why I read the Hunger Game series. And I totally loved it. If I have to give an answer, though, I’d have to say the whole Fifty Shades of Gray series. There’s a bit of a jealousy factor at play as everyone knows the writing is just terrible. Either way, that’s a series I will likely never read. Unless I do.

This would have to be the Sue Grafton alphabet murder series (A is for Alibi, etc…). It’s a set of books I never would have read had I not found them on audiobook. The older ones were on sale and I was heading out on a long road trip. So I picked up N is for Noose – yep, I started right in the middle – and hit the pavement. The book was actually pretty bad, but the one bright spot was Judy Kaye. She reads for all the later books and she is INCREDIBLE. She single-handedly brings the books to life. Consequently, they’re the only books I refuse to buy; I will only get them on audio.

In Sue Grafton’s defense, I have to say some of the books are quite good. She builds up an entire town of fictional characters that just come to life. And some of the books are more emotional than action-packed.

OH! I had to think about this one for a second, but it just hit me. I started reading The Wheel of Time series years ago. This was back when only four books were out. Only four books, you ask? That’s a lot already! How many more could there possibly be? Well, the answer to that, dear friend, would be seven million. Yes, there are seven million books in the series. There are so many that Robert Jordan, the author, died and his son had to take over. The last I heard, eight generations of Jordans have been working on the series.

(NOTE: It may not have been his son that continued the series. But it’s more fun to write it that way.)

Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Harry Potter. If I pick up any of books 3-7 and start reading it, I get hooked all over again. And I’ve read them so many times! Goblet of Fire has finger indentions I’ve read it so many times. The books just cast a spell on me. See what I did there?

Did anyone else have to look up OTP? I had ZERO idea what it stood for. My mind went to that rap song “Get down with OPP”. So I was like “They want to know about other people’s property?” Apparently, that wasn’t right and OTP actually stands for One True Pairing. So it’s like the book couple that I think truly belong together. This one is actually really hard to answer. There aren’t many book couples that I think, “They just really belong together forever!” Maybe it’s because I read mostly straight fiction and men and women don’t go together. KIDDING! OK I’m going to take a suggestion and go with the couple from Big Fish. They’re totally meant to be and so cute together.

I recently read The Princess Bride. Because I’ve seen the movie a bunch of times, I figured the book would be a bit slow as I pretty much knew everything that would happen. Boy was I wrong. The book’s voice is so entertaining and fun, I was caught up from beginning to end. I especially like the back stories of Inigo Montoya and Fezzik. Those scenes weren’t in the movie, but they were so entertaining and informative. They provided a lot of insight into those characters.

Several years ago, I read the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. It was alright. The later books turned out to be surprisingly good considering the first wasn’t amazing. Fast forward however many years and Rick Riordan has released at LEAST six hundred eighty-four thousand spin-off series. At first, I wasn’t that thrilled, thinking he was riding the money train. Then I started reading some of his newer stuff. Wow, his writing has gotten so much better! And he’s introduced LGBT characters who are big-time players (go Nico!). Now I’m kinda hooked and waiting for more.

For this one, I’m going indie. When I first moved to Phoenix, I bought a book called Impervious from a lady named Laura Kirwan. From what she said, the novel dealt with witchcraft and romance. Those aren’t my favorite genres and I wasn’t super interested. However, I’d just moved and wanted to network, so I went ahead and bought it. The novel sat on my shelf for several months until, bored one night, I picked it up. My intent was to make fun of it, read half, then throw it away. But it turned out to be really good! Her writing is really nice and she develops some great characters.

This is another toughie. I’m sure there’s probably a novel staring me right in the face that I want to read. I kinda want to read Battle Royale, which I heard was the start of the whole Hunger Games phenomenon. Then again, I haven’t finished the Divergent series and I enjoyed the first novel. So I need to list that, too.

My first thoughts here went to Harry Potter and other favorite novels. Those would be the most selfless choices. Then I thought, “Screw that!!” For this one, I’m gonna be purely selfish. According to Wikipedia, Leonardo DaVinci’s Codex Leicestor is worth almost 50 million dollars. I don’t even know what a Codex Lei-thingy is. But it’s a book. Collectors want it. So I’m counting it in this category. So if someone’s looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me (you know who you are)…. you know what to do.

For a split second, I was like “I don’t follow debut authors.” Then it hit me! The answer is the most obvious thing ever. My friend Paul Mosier is about to release his first nationally published book, Train I Ride. Harper Collins picked it up and, let me tell you, I’m SOOOO excited for him. I’ve read some of the book at group and it’s just fantastic. The fact it’s a big-name publisher makes it even more thrilling.

This is a section I thought would be easy. But there aren’t any authors I auto-buy anymore. OMG What’s wrong with me? I can’t think of a single author whose books I buy no matter what. That includes JK Rowling, John Irving, and everyone. Honestly, I go through HUGE genre phases. There are months where I read nothing but fantasy. Then I put the genre away for awhile and move on to literary fiction. Then to magic. Then to suspense. That’s probably why all the novel ideas in my head are so different. It’s probably not a good way to build a set audience. But it is what it is.

I’m bucking the trend here. You know what book I want to see released? The Gay Teen’s Guide to Defeating a Siren: Book 2!!!!! For reals, yo. Peace out.

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Area Man Applies For Job Because Location is a Pokemon Go Gym.

Phoenix resident Cody Wagner is so addicted to the new Pokemon Go app, he’s applied for a secretarial job at a Mormon Temple because it has been designated a Pokemon Gym.

“It makes sense that I work here,” Wagner said, strolling the grounds staring at an iPhone. “I’m familiar with Joseph Smith and the stone things he carved. And I consider myself a spiritual person. Also, I’m the gym leader, so I can keep tabs on the trainers here. Like this stupid yellow team.”

In Pokemon Go, players choose a team: red, yellow, or blue. Those teams battle each other for control of gyms scattered around the world. Maintaining control of a gym results in that team’s insignia appearing over the gym. Gyms can be found at museums, churches, and other high profile locations. Although the game is still new, players have already invested hundreds of hours into controlling gyms.

(Pokemon Go Gym controlled by the yellow team)

Despite the fact Wagner is the highest level Pokemon Go player in the area, Jill Banks – hiring manager at Mesa Arizona Temple – is doubtful of his credentials. “He has no prior office experience,” she said, going through a stack of resumes, most from LDS members with years of formal secretarial experience. “Under work history, he listed ‘head of Pokemon evolution at the local McDonald’s Chapter’. What does that even mean? And does he know we believe in creationism.”

When asked about his job strengths, Wagner said he is certainly qualified. “I know Excel and Word. I type really fast, especially on a phone. And I’m a total go-getter. Last week, when everyone gave up, I walked back and forth in the same ten foot circle for an hour until I caught that Nidorino. Who else would do that? And did I mention I’m the gym leader? That’s like the priest of the Pokemon world.”

On top of his qualifications, Wagner lists a love for the Temple itself as a reason for employment. “They’ll want someone who lives and breathes the area, right? Well, I walk around the beautiful grounds for hours at a time. Basically, I’m always here on campus. Especially the north side with the Kabutops.”

(Wagner Protecting the Mesa Arizona Temple from the stupid yellow team)

Banks became confused with Wagner’s statement, saying, “Is that a term affiliated with another LDS sect? Either way, what about his love for the faith?”

Wagner claims he’s extremely faithful. “I’m dedicated to ridding the world of heathens. Just the other day, the red team challenged us with an Arbok. An Arbok! You remember Adam and Eve, right? I’d never use a snake here. Only holy Pokemon, like Rapidash, my little burning bush.”

A frustrated Banks asked, “A Rapid what? Is he even Mormon?”

Wagner insists he’s close enough. “I make clothes – or garments – for my stuffed Pokemon. Also, my Pidgeys aren’t allowed to mate until they’re married. And my Arcanine has four Growlithe wives. I’m perfect for this job! I feel God really wants me to work here. Wait, Mormons believe in God, right?”

As of press time, Wagner remains jobless. Still, he’s hopeful. “The Temple gym isn’t all that anymore. I mean, they hired someone who doesn’t have a single Pokemon over 100 combat points. Apparently, they’re letting anyone work there. The gym in Scottsdale is where it’s at now.”

By Scottsdale, Wagner is referring to the Pokemon Gym located at Whole Foods.

“I can totally stock groceries or spray the lettuce.” At that, Wagner began stroking his phone. “And I bet they’d love to have me there protecting the plant Pokemon.”

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What Writer’s Block Means to Me and How I Overcome It

I admit the concept of writer’s block has been foreign to me. I’d always pictured it as a person sitting over their computer, struggling to produce a single word. Like a piece of wood had been wedged between his/her brain and fingers.

via GIPHY

The idea was foreign to me because I’ve always been able to write. I have so many ideas for sketches, stories, novels, blog posts, etc… that I’ve never struggled to product words. And if I jump from one idea to the next, so be it. I’ll typically get everything done that I want to.

However, I’ve recently run into a problem and suddenly wonder if it’s what writer’s block really means. At least to some people:

My most pressing project is book 2 of The Gay Teen’s Guide to Defeating a Siren. Now, I can sit down at any time and write random scenes from it. In fact, I have several that aren’t going to make it into the final novel. I know and love the characters enough that I can put them in about any situation and write about it.

The issue I’m running into is I can’t decide where the novel itself needs to go. Essentially, I’m struggling with the overall outline for my book. Consequently, I’m having trouble actually writing because I don’t see a path in my head. It may not be textbook writer’s block, but it’s really frustrating. Nothing I write feels correct to the overall plot so I don’t write on the project. Instead, I find myself jumping onto other things because they feel more solid.

via GIPHY

I’ve taken tons of walks, written pages of notes, created character sheets, etc… But it’s not quite clicking. And, according to my previous article on sequels, doing book 2 right is crucial. The main thing I’m worried about is a huge gaping plot hole. And, with previous outlines, I’ve already uncovered several. So it’s making continuing very tricky.

So I feel blocked in that sense.

How am I overcoming it?

Truth be told, I wouldn’t say I’m over it yet. But I am, slowly but surely, writing. And the way I’m doing that is also foreign to me. See, I like to have a rough outline of an entire story in my head before I begin writing. I often veer from that outline, but I like to have it there to give me a sense of direction. When I wrote my very first longer piece, I did it by the seat of my pants…and it was a big humongous gigantic mess. Since then, I’ve found I work better with direction.

But with book 2, I can’t see the finish line. And that’s scary! It’s Richard Scary:

OK that was completely unrelated – and his name is Richard Scarry – but how cute is Lowly the Worm? SOOO CUTE!

Anywaaaaay, what I’m ultimately doing is trying not to look past my nose. Wait, is that a real saying? I have no idea. To clarify, I’m going at the sequel two chapters at a time. When a scene and what follows it makes sense, I write them. A couple times, finishing the scenes has given me an idea for the following. And that’s how I’ve made it to where I’m at.

It’s very uncomfortable. With book 1, I had the entire thing outlined (roughly) when I started writing. And doing it this way is kinda jarring. And I really think I’ll find, when I’m done, that this novel will need reorganizing much more than the first. And entire scenes may need rewriting as well. But at least I’ll have something done. And I think it’s easier to break a block while working with something than starting from scratch.

So what’s my point?

I think the point of this is to suggest that, when blocked, try something out of the ordinary. Write something different for you. Or try a method that pushes you out of your comfort zone. It may not necessarily be the best method, but shaking things up can often jar you out of being stuck. And I think that’s true for lots of things in life.

Most importantly, you just have to keep writing. Write write write write write.

OK I’m done writing about writer’s block and am going to continue on with book 2. WHEEEEEE!

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Would You Rather?

One of my favorite ways to kill time with friends is to ask random “Would You Rather?” questions. They’ve become really popular as, with the right question, you can learn a lot about people. My most frequently asked question is “Would you rather save your pet or an unknown human from a burning building?” That one has stirred up a million debates (and there’s definitely a right answer, mwahaha).

There’s another “Would You Rather?” question I ask while speaking about my book to writers groups or readers groups or bathroom attendants:

“If you could have a million dollars OR a million readers, which would you choose?”

In the course of my little speech I invariably say, “For me, it’s the easiest choice in the world.” I then look around with my most serious face so everyone knows how dedicated I am to writing versus money.

In the heat of the moment, that statement is so true. I’m not writing for the money. I’m writing to reach people. I want to make people think and feel.

However, reaching people doesn’t pay the bills. Reaching people doesn’t keep my wardrobe full of cutoff jean shorts from Ross. Reaching people doesn’t put delicious Thai food on my table.

So I finally sat down and made myself really ponder both sides of the question.

And that’s where the fun “Let’s think of a loophole!” reasoning came in.

The devil on my left shoulder, whom we’ll call Snookums, said, “With a million dollars, you could hire a publicist and a marketer! They could reach a million people. Problem solved! And you should still end up with, like, a lot of money! That’s so much Pad Thai! And so many pairs of Ross jean shorts!”

The other devil, Mashooga, replied, “This is not about the money. With a million people, you’ve got a real reader base. Look at how many people you’re touching. And that number can grow! Look how many people will be affected by something you created. No amount of money can match that.”

In response, Snookums blew a raspberry on his arm. “Who says the million readers are all fans. If you’re looking at the law of averages, a hundred thousand people probably left you a bad Amazon review. That sucks.”

And so started the bickering war.

Mashooga: “Well, you can’t use the money to get readers. This is an OR scenario. You pick one OR the other. Get it?”

Snookums: “Then you can’t have more than a million readers.”

Mashooga: “You’re greedy. You just want money.”

Snookums: “You’re vain. You just want fame.”

At that point, Snookums and Mashooga engaged in to a vicious slap fight.

Meanwhile, their arguments got me thinking even harder. Was there some sort of truth to the statements? How much of having a huge readership is about reaching people versus being well known? I honestly don’t know.

So then I changed the question to “Would you rather have a million dollars OR ghost write a novel with a million readers?” That meant no one would know I was behind the novel. So I’d reach people but they wouldn’t know it was me.

Now, I feel selfish because the answer became much much harder. OMG did it ever become harder! If I release a novel that touches people, I want them to know I’m touching them. OK that sounds kinda dirty. I swear this is not the kind of touching that involves one of those good touch/bad touch dolls.

Anyway, the arguments continued to swirl around in my head until, after no less than 382 hours of internal debates, I finally came up with an answer as to why I couldn’t take the money:

Because rich kids suck.

The end.

What? Oh, I need to explain. OK:

While the “Rich kids suck” reasoning is a stereotype, everyone knows a rich kid who just sucks.

Having a bunch of money can often create an inherent laziness. Why work hard when you already have what you need? Actually, for me it would be the opposite. I’m so experiential and there’s so much I haven’t seen that I wouldn’t be lazy. Instead, I’d want to be out doing anything and everything money can buy. Perhaps at the expense of writing.

Case in point, let’s look at writing temptations:

Today, my biggest temptation to skip writing was the opportunity to watch two lizards in the back yard trying to fit on the same leaf.

If I had riches, the temptations would be millions of times larger. It would be so hard to write when I could go shopping for clothes. Not at Ross. In a limousine. With green wheels!

OK I’m probably getting carried away, but my decision has been made:

Don’t give me money OR readers. Let me earn them.

P.S. But if you want to give me money AND readers, I probably won’t say no. Or one. Or the other. Hey, I’m human. Deal with it.

Love,

Cody

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How to Know if Writing is For You

I haven’t done much writing over the last week or so. My “real” job – the one that pays the bills – has blown up and I’ve been burning the midnight oil on website projects. In case you’re not aware, I was a web developer in a past life and am doing dev projects part time while writing part time. Whee.

Except the web dev hasn’t been part time lately. It’s been super-mega-full-time. And then some.

First off, I’m not complaining (I was going to say I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth. But I’m not sure if that saying means what I think it means – “Inconceivable!”). I’m very grateful for the opportunity to make money sitting at home at my computer. The company is great and has been very flexible with me. And there’s something satisfying in figuring out random logic issues.

However, I’ve noticed something over the past week.

To start, let’s look at my typical weekday:

9:00 – Wake up and hit snooze three times

9:27 – 9:30 – Brush Teeth

9:30 – 2:30 – Develop Websites

3:00 – 4:00 – Workout

4:00 – 6:00 – Die from exhaustion, resuscitate myself with defibrillator paddles, ice, shower, etc…

6:30 – 9:00 – Attend writers group

9:30 – 12:00 – Write (Books, blog posts, sketches, marketing, etc…)

12:00 – 1:00 – Read

1:00 – SLEEPY TIME!

(FUN SIDE NOTE: I recently learned the defibrillator is used ONLY to stabilize an already beating heart. They’re NOT used to revive someone. Sooooo every single medical show and movie, you know, EVER, is doing it wrong.)

Anyway, according to the (completely made-up) chart, my average week consists of about twenty-five hours of web development and twenty-five hours of writing.

The last week or so, that schedule has shifted. All of my writing hours have switched over to development. Suddenly, and without warning, I’ve felt a change in my mentality. By the time I climb into bed, I’m drained. At the same time, I’m filled with a weird sense of restlessness, like I need to get out and do something. It’s like I’m exhausted yet my day was missing…something.

At first, I chalked that mentality up to the long hours until I realized something huge: I’m not working any more hours than I normally do. When that hit, I looked back at the last few years. Those nights I stayed up past midnight writing, I didn’t feel drained or restless. I was rejuvenated and excited! I felt pumped up because I’d created something fulfilling to me.

The moment led me to do that thing where I sit back in my chair and go, “Whoa”.

That’s what it means to do something you love.

Sure, not every minute is hearts and candy canes and Pad Thai. There has been so much frustration and a plethora (good word!) of tears and fears. But the wonderful moments are truly wonderful. And a hard day’s work leaves you feeling satisfied, even invigorated. I think that’s the sign you’ve found something special.

Case in point: I’ve been developing all day. And I was tired and about to go to bed. But I made myself sit down and write this post. And you know what? I feel better already.

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6 Weirdest Things in My Office Right Now

For all of you who like my posts featuring weird things found at antique malls, have I got a treat for you! Here are some pics of the weirdest things actually in my office right now. And there are some doozies!

For the rest of you who don’t like the antique posts…well…I was running short on time and couldn’t think of any ideas. So you get this. I’m not gonna lie, though, it was kinda fun. Deal with it!

Love,

Cody

1. Movie Pigeon!

He totally judges you as you select a movie. Every time I want to pick Blades of Glory, he stares at me until I grab Dangerous Liaisons… Damn you, Movie Pigeon! I want to watch Shallow Hal!

2. Pulparindo Push Spicy Tamarind Lollipop

I don’t know how this got in my office, but it scares me. It looks like a giant syringe full of weirdness. Honestly, do I need a rubber band taut around my arm before opening this?

3. Miniature White Year-Round Lit Christmas Tree

Yes, I realize it’s April. But I love Christmas. And I love miniature things. It’s like a baby tree. It’s a kitten tree!

4. Garbage Pail Kids

You’re gonna have to be “Colin 911” because these cards are too awesome to handle. DERRRRRRRP! I just realized the person on the other end of the call has puke coming out of her phone. Brilliant.

5. Baby Chick Wearing Rabbit Ears Inside a Mug Reading “The Internet is for Porn”

Before you judge, that mug is actually from an amazing Broadway show called Avenue Q. However, you can totally judge the baby chick wearing rabbit ears that’s peeking out.

6. Bon Jovi Folding Chair From His 2013 Because We Can Concert

Just when you thought knives stabbing hearts were only found on 50-year-old bikers, this came about to make our lives so much more joyful.

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6 Obscure “Awards” My Book Has “Won”

Over the past few months, I’ve been fortunate enough to have won a couple awards for my book. While they’re not the most prestigious awards on the planet, I’m soooo thrilled to have been recognized. They gave some validation to the insane amount of work I’ve put into the last three years. And I made sure to announce the crap out of them on Facebook and Twitter.

However, there are a handful of other, more obscure, awards my book has won. While they didn’t merit my marketing them like crazy, I felt I should celebrate them here:

1. The Kim Davis Gay Award of Supportive Gay Excellence in the Field of Gayness

Wow, she’s really come around. I’m so thrilled that *she’s* thrilled to be holding my book. #TheFeels

2. The “We Found Out We Had to Read Your Book Instead of Going to Disneyland” Award

I received this award because of a conversation that went like this:

PARENT: Sooooo, do you like Disneyland?

KID: YES! YES! YES!!!!

PARENT: Well then do I have a treat for you!

KID: (CRYING) I can’t believe it!

PARENT: (HANDS KID MY BOOK) This book mentions Disneyland twice! You’re going to love it!

3. The “Kids Who Braved Danger to Read Your Book” Award

So what kind of dangers did kids brave to read my book? Well, let’s just say that lots and lots of “Slick Shoes” were involved.

(NOTE: Because of the pic and my love of Goonies, I was gonna call this The “Kids Who Braved One-Eyed Willy to Read Your Book” Award… But then I realized that comes off waaaay wrong.)

(NOTE 2: As a kid, I actually tried to make “Slick Shoes” by sawing the soles off my shoes. My parents weren’t happy.)

4. The Zero Wing Are Prestigious Books Award

The award for nerds who is liking good grammars.

5. Books for Virgins Club Award Winner

This one doesn’t need a description. I’m not gonna lie, I cracked myself up.

6. The “Your Book Has a Scene Where People Pretend to be Straight When They’re Clearly Not” Westboro Award

Because I bet most Westboro Baptist members are self-hating homosexuals pretending to be straight.

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