Ella Burakowski's Blog, page 4

Downsizing a Hoarder

Downsizing a Hoarder.

Downsizing a Hoarder

One of my questions in this week’s CJN deals with downsizing a lifetime of memories. What a daunting task! Throw? Store? Sell? Keep? Almost impossible to know where to begin. But it can be done and in fact, gets done all the time, but sometimes not on your terms. Do it while you still have the control.
What if you are the kids of parents like this? It’s time to get involved and help. They are literally drowning in love – love that has accumulated as they attempted to keep a little piece of each memory alive. Gee, how all that love does add up!

Dear Ella,

My wife and I have lived in our large home for almost 40 years. We’ve raised three children and have seven grandchildren. My wife has kept just about every memento, from baby teeth to artwork to report cards. Our bedrooms, garage, den and basement are packed with memories. We’re getting older, and climbing up and down our stairs is difficult. We need to move, but she won’t hear of it. How am I going to convince her?

Married to a Hoarder

Dear Married to a Hoarder

Compacting, discarding and choosing through a lifetime of memories may just seem too insurmountable to your wife. Where do you start? What’s important? Every item has a memory or a story attached. Just the thought of what lies ahead to get to your goal is daunting. But if you really want to get this done you can – together. Do a little research first so when you present the idea to your wife, you’ll have the solutions to all her objections.

If you look at the whole picture, it will be too overwhelming – almost impossible. So don’t take that approach.

First, talk about the safety issue. If you want any kind of control of your future, you’re better off doing this while it’s still physically possible and before there’s an accident, like a fall, which will force a lifestyle change.

Take one room, one closet and one drawer at a time. Separate your piles into items to distribute, donations, garbage and keepers. Take a photo of that Grade 2 report card or the finger painting, and store many of the memories on a computer. One of your grandkids can help with that. Make it fun – offer them an incentive to help. They’ll feel good about it and you’ll enjoy spending extra time together.

There are professional companies that can help. You’re not alone with this daunting task, but first you both have to admit you want to move.

Second, you have to be realistic about the work ahead, and third, ask or pay for help. Write down your plan and make sure each step can be executed. Create a rule, such as if you haven’t seen, used or touch something in a year, out it goes! Give yourselves a daily quota and stick to it. It took a lifetime to accumulate all of your stuff, and it will take time to downsize, but you’ll get through this if you keep your eye on the prize: moving to a newer, more manageable lifestyle.

 

– See more at: http://www.cjnews.com/columnists/downsizing-hoarder#sthash.LoD6Oii2.dpuf

Words from a parent of a sick child

My Column in this coming week’s CJN, came from a mother who had so much to deal with, she felt she had to reach out, not so much for advice, but to get the word out about how unsupported she felt when her daughter was sick in the hospital. If her words help even one parent sitting alone at night in a hospital with their sick child, then her goal will have been reached.

Dear Ella,

This year hasn’t started out all that well. The day before the ice storm last month, Emily, my nine-year-old, took sick. She was lethargic, pale and confused, so I took her to The Hospital for Sick Kids while my husband stayed home with our seven-year-old.

Testing revealed a blood disorder. The next couple of weeks were brutal. I called work and said I wouldn’t be back for a while, and my husband held down the fort at home, coming down to visit and relieve me every few days. I basically moved into the hospital with my daughter, who was scared and wanted her mommy.

As I write this, Emily is sleeping in her own bed, her red blood cell count has improved dramatically, and the doctors are hopeful that she’ll be fine.

Our family sure could have used some friendship and support throughout this ordeal, but some of our friends were away on holidays and most who were in town were afraid to “bother” us. Are you kidding me? I needed a friendly visit, phone call or even a supportive text message.

My sister helped when she could, mostly on weekends, but she lives far away and has her own family. We have a large circle of friends, but with the exception of a couple of them, most wanted to “give us our space.”

I’m hoping that by writing this, it will alert people not to be afraid to call when someone is in crisis. You’re not bothering. I sure could have used a friendly face or a change of scenery, even if it was just company in the lobby for a coffee.

Friends are not supposed to be only for good times. I’m not going to be shy about this. I’m going to tell them how disappointed I am. This is not what I call friendship.
When the Going Gets Tough

Dear When the Going Gets Tough

First of all, it’s fabulous to hear that Emily is doing better. There’s nothing more important than that.

It’s funny how people react in a crisis. Some step up to the plate, while others seem to disappear.

Let’s face it: it’s uncomfortable to talk to someone going through a difficult life event, whether it be a sick family member or a shivah, visitation or funeral. Like you say, people are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, making a stupid remark or being insensitive. It’s easier to avoid the situation until things return to “normal.”

But I’m with you. We need to educate people and let them know it’s not OK to avoid difficult situations, especially when people close to you are suffering.
Here are some ground rules.

You’re not bothering when you call. Do you have any idea how boring sitting in a hospital is? A phone call is a break, a time when a parent can vent. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, whether it’s the lousy hospital food or how scared they are. You listen.

Even better, get down there and be with that parent. Bring some homemade food, a good book or a magazine. Call first, and offer to stop by their house to pick up anything they might need.

Being an early riser, when my nephew was in the hospital, I would get in my car at 5 a.m. and visit with my sister-in-law who never left his side. She appreciated the company, and I was there when the doctors made their rounds. I know she also appreciated being able to discuss their findings with a family member who cared.

Don’t forget about dad who is home with the other child, holding down the fort, working, making sure his daughter gets to school, gets picked up, has dinner, and has to get down to see his other daughter and relieve his wife, too.

If you think it all sounds like a nightmare, you’re right. Besides worrying about a sick child, the logistics of keeping the rest of the family from falling apart are important as well.

Take a casserole over, or a soup, salad or treat. Offer to pick up groceries or other supplies. Don’t ask. Just do it.

When you’re visiting, take your cues from your friend. If she or he needs to talk, you listen. If they want to hear about something else in the “outside world,” then you talk, but never overstay your welcome. You need to have your radar on high alert, and sense when they need to rest. You can even offer to let them sleep or shower or go for a walk while you stay and hold down the fort, making sure their child is not alone.

Be a friend in good times and bad. It’s part of life.

– See more at: http://www.cjnews.com/columnists/parent-sick-child#sthash.TWSiwE8e.dpuf

Merry Christmas – Just say it!

First off, I should tell you that I’m Jewish – not particularly observant, but very traditional. I enjoy Passover, eating matzo for a week; I light Chanukah candles, go to synagogue and pray for forgiveness on the high holidays etc.

However, I live in Canada and everywhere I’m reminded of Christmas, and I actually get into the “Christmas spirit.” I sing along with all the songs on the radio. Yesterday, I couldn’t get the song I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas out of my head and I walked around humming it all day, (now it’s stuck in my head again).

As a matter of fact, I am the daughter of two holocaust survivors. My family moved to Toronto when I was a small child and my parents were barely able to make ends meet. My mother worked as a seamstress in a factory and had nowhere to put me while she was at work. The closest daycare was in a nearby church. The nuns were my teachers and prayer was very much a part of our every day routine. My mother told me that when kneel to pray, I should only do it on one knee and it wouldn’t count. I remember one evening, when my parents had their friends over for a game of cards, I came into the room to show off all what I had learned at school and I crossed myself. After that night, I never had to go back to that school.

Sorry, I got off topic.

So, last night, Christmas eve, after doing the traditional movie and Chinese restaurant thing, my husband and I and a couple of friends drove around enjoying the beautifully decorated homes, with spectacular Christmas lights. We peered into the windows to see the fully lit Christmas trees centered in the windows, many homes had a fire burning and the scenes exuded warmth and spirit – which is actually a little ironic because we’re just recovering from an ice storm where over 300,000 homes were without power, and many still are.

We even have a family gift exchange at this time of year, some Jews would say it’s related to Chanukah, but they can’t say that this year because Chanukah was a month ago. I think any opportunity to get together with friends and family and enjoy gift giving, fun, laughter, good food and drink is fine with me.

Of course the religious part of Christmas has no part in my life, as Jews don’t believe that Jesus was the Son of God, nor that he is the Messiah. We acknowledge that Jesus existed, in fact he was Jewish. Does that mean I can’t wish my Christian friends a Merry Christmas? What about the girl at the supermarket, who was so busy yesterday servicing people replenishing from the power outage as well as people stocking up for Christmas, who wished me a Merry Christmas and I wished her one right back? We were both Jewish and we knew it, yet we wished each other a Merry Christmas because we live in Canada, a multi-cultural country, and neither of us were afraid to offend or embarrass each other.

I say embrace any opportunity to make people feel good. Don’t correct someone wishing you a Merry Christmas if you don’t celebrate, just say thank you and wish them a Merry Christmas right back.

It’s a good thing – really.

Interfaith Challenges

 

My column in this week’s CJN deals with Interfaith problems around the holidays.

Dear Ella,

My daughter married a man who isn’t Jewish, and this is the first year that I’m invited to their house for a holiday/Christmas dinner.

When Rose first brought Richard home, we really liked him. He’s a gentleman, educated, has a good career, and he treats our Rose with respect and love. His parents are soft-spoken, fine people and we all get along very well. However, religion has always been the elephant in the room.

Rose warned me in advance that they have a Christmas tree in their home, and that she doesn’t want to hear a word about it. I raised both my children in a Jewish home and they both went to Hebrew school. We celebrated every holiday with family, from Passover seders to attending High Holiday services – even the lighting of the Chanukah candles was always done as a family.

I never for one second thought there would be a possibility that our grandchildren would not be raised Jewish, but it looks as if organized religion is not important to either my daughter or her husband.

When I try to bring up the subject to Rose she puts her hand out and stops me immediately. She doesn’t want to hear my opinion, and she tells me very firmly that she and Richard will bring up their children the way they see fit, and it’s a private and personal choice that will be decided between them alone.

I know this is premature, as Rose has only been married since June and there are no children yet. But I think this is a very important decision they should have made before they got married. I don’t want to lose my daughter. I love her dearly, and if it means that I have to sit back and let it happen, then I’ll have no choice.

But I am heartbroken and my husband has taken this very personally. I hope it doesn’t break up our family. What would you do?

Religious Woes

Dear Religious Woes,

You and your husband have done your best for your two children. You have raised them in a loving home, put a roof over their heads, made sure they had a Jewish education, celebrated all the holidays as a family and attended synagogue on High Holidays. You’ve done the best job as a parent that you could. Rose is right in saying this is a private and personal choice.  Trust that the values you’ve instilled in Rose are pure and wise.

Rose has made her choice with Richard, and by your own admission, he is a decent, fine young man who comes from a good family.

According to Jewish law, if a child is born to a Jewish mother, that child is Jewish. However, if the child is not raised with Jewish values, that point may be moot.

It’s not your place to dictate to Rose how to raise her children – in fact, if you do, it may backfire. Instead, you need to support Rose and Richard. That doesn’t mean you can’t make your wishes clear: you are entitled to your opinion, but why not wait and see? Don’t make a problem where there isn’t one yet.

If and when the time comes that Rose and Richard have children, you can continue to invite them over to your home for Passover seders, lighting of the menorah and latkes, have them eat in a sukkah, teach them the traditions in which their mother was raised. Invite Richard’s parents too, let them learn about Judaism along with their grandchildren. Make sure those times are about family, love and learning. Tell them why you are eating matzah, or why there are eight candles on a menorah. Don’t preach, make it a relaxed and positive experience.

This way you can contribute to making sure your grandchildren have a taste of what their Jewish heritage is about. Richard’s family may do the same with their faith, but in the end, it will be Rose and Richard who will decide what kind of a home they will raise their children in. Raising a child in an interfaith marriage can be confusing, especially if the child is raised to follow both religions. Rose and Richard will do what they feel is best for their family.

Take control where you can. Do your part as grandparents, teach and show the beauty and history of the Jewish faith, while, at the same time, teaching tolerance and acceptance of other faiths as well. Armed with knowledge, cloaked in love of family, these children will eventually end up making their own choices.

– See more at: http://www.cjnews.com/columnists/interfaith-challenges#sthash.IYvmXYxr.dpuf

 

 

A courageous mom – Loey’s-Dietz Syndrome

My sister-in-law’s birthday is today. She was over last night with my nephew Tyler and I couldn’t help notice how this child is thriving and it’s all because of Jen, his mother.

You see, Tyler was born with Loey’s-Dietz Syndrome a rare connective tissue disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loeys–Dietz_syndrome

He has many physical limitations, which he constantly has to overcome. He has had 3 heart surgeries to repair aneurysms and his aortic root and and he isn’t even 3 years old. But yet, he is happy, thriving and content and that’s all because of his special mom.

A week doesn’t go by that Tyler doesn’t have to see some specialist at Sick Kid’s Hospital to check that things are working well. Even something as benign as a common cold, will put Tyler into a breathing crisis.

On this special day, I thought I would write a poem for Jen. I was inspired by another poem I had read, and it made me think of this brave and selfless mom, so I borrowed a little and wrote the rest.

This is for you Jen, on your birthday.

A meeting was held far away from earth,

It’s time again for another birth,

Said the angels to God above,

This special child will need much love.

He’ll need a selfless and special mom,

Full of patience, love and calm.

His progress may seem a little delayed,

But this mom will be a one woman crusade.

Sometimes he’ll take a little longer to get there,

But this mom will never tire or wear.

So let’s be careful where he’s sent,

We want his life to be content.

Your precious Tyler, is so happy and thriving,

Because he has a mother constantly striving,

To make sure he has reaches each goal in life

with lots encouragement and very little strife.

Jen, it was in heaven that your match was made

Tyler and you will conquer all – unafraid.

God sits back to watch – his job is done,

Telling his angels, ”See I told you she was the one!”

 

Is Social Media a Job Killer?

My column this week is about social media and job searching. Sure, it’s a way of reaching out and making connections, but what about when it works the other way and the employer does the searching? Can your social media accounts pass the test?

Dear Ella,

When it comes to academics, my son Zack is very smart, but when I think about how irresponsible he is about his future it makes me cringe.

Zack graduated with a degree in business, but he’s not prepared to enter the job market.

He was among a pool of kids who were out to find a place for themselves in the working world, and the percentage of his classmates who actually succeeded in landing a position was smaller than we expected.

After a close friend of the family intervened and got him the lead, he had a very promising interview with a financial firm. Zack didn’t get the position. We found out later that it wasn’t because his marks were inadequate – in fact, his grades were excellent – or because he didn’t interview well, but because the employer went to Zack’s Twitter account and saw tweet after tweet about partying, accompanied by Instagram photos of Zack and his friends holding beers in the air and horsing around.

The interviewer told our friend off the record to tell this young man to clean up his social media accounts.

“Sure everyone in university parties, but not everyone is stupid enough to share it with the world in cyberspace,” is what our friend was told.

The job was offered to someone with the same qualifications who didn’t advertise his social indiscretions.

Zack maintains it had nothing to do with that. “Everybody has photos like that,” was the answer I got when I confronted him.

There’s no talking to him. He knows it all. On top of that, do you think he learned anything from this experience? Zack continues to enjoy his young adult years with his friends and share his experiences on social media sites.

He comes home at all hours, then sleeps in late, and when I ask him how the job hunt is going, he tells me he’s doing his best.

I’m frustrated and angry, but what can I do? He’s too old and won’t listen to his mommy any longer.

Dangers of Social Media

Dear Dangers of Social Media

Social media can be a very powerful tool in the job market. In Zack’s case, if he’s truly serious about his job hunt, he needs to learn how to use social media to help him along, not ruin his chances.

When he posts a status update, he’s not thinking about his future, he’s connecting with his friends. His inability to understand the consequences shows Zack’s lack of maturity and priorities.

At this stage in his life, Zack should be examining every word he shares with the world. Social media sites give a false sense of anonymity, but social media is anything but anonymous.

It’s all about networking smartly. What greater way is there to reach firms and people who have a presence on Linkedin, Facebook and Twitter?

Zack may have a degree, but he hasn’t shown a serious interest in finding a job. For starters, his interview was set up by a friend. Has he set up anything on his own? Has he had any other bites other than the arranged one? If Zack were serious, he wouldn’t let his Facebook and Twitter photos stand in his way of finding work. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water…

Employers want the complete package. There are plenty of excellent candidates to choose from. Besides looking for someone who is qualified, they look for a person who is well-rounded, well-spoken, passionate, bright (with common sense) and can think outside the box.

Perhaps Zack isn’t hungry enough. You may have to look at his current living situation to see how comfortable you’re making things for him. I’m sure Zack will come into his own, but in the meantime, you don’t have to do his laundry and put three squares on the table every day.

When he begins to see his friends moving on, it will light a fire under him. He’s an adult, and other than controlling his immediate environment in your home, you have little say in what he chooses to do with his life. You’ve done your best. Now take a back seat and let all the work you’ve put into your son have a chance to flourish.