Ella Burakowski's Blog, page 3

How to cope when children alter life plans

Dear Ella,

Our inability to conceive has taken its toll on our marriage. Jake and I had a perfect engagement and wedding, we bought a home, and then the floor fell out from under us. We have been trying to have a baby for well over a year. My parents ask me for monthly updates, and Jake’s parents don’t say a word. My friends are having babies, showers, brises, and baby namings.

The stress is exhausting. Many nights I stay at work late so I don’t have to face Jake. When we communicate, we argue. Our relationship has changed.

In vitro fertilization is our last option, but it’s expensive. If that doesn’t work, I fear Jake and I won’t survive. How are we going to deal? How will we go on?

Sincerely,

Empty Heart

Dear Empty Heart,

Your life plan has hit a major bump, and you are not facing this crisis together. Make no mistake: this is a crisis. You had a life plan, and with everything having fallen into place prior to this, your coping mechanisms are weak.

Communication is key at this crucial time, and rather than blaming and pulling away, you need to face this situation  head on and together. If fact, you may need to involve a professional counsellor or support group to get you through this.

Try to take a step back and separate the emotion from the task at hand.

Work together, support each other, never ever assign blame, and put a concrete plan in place. Meet with a fertility medical expert, and be realistic. Give yourselves a deadline. Discuss an alternate plan, possibly adoption. You will be down at different times, so put your support and sensitivity into high gear.

If baby events upset you, stay away from them, and send a gift and your apology for not attending. Tell your parents to stop asking. Let them know you will inform them when there is something to tell.

Together you can get through this. You are fighting the same battle. Lean on each other, and don’t lose sight of why you fell in love. Marriage is hard and rewarding. You have come to a crossroads. Stay on the same path, communicate and move ahead arm in arm. Whatever the outcome, you will get through it together and end up with a stronger bond.

Dear Ella,

My 33rd birthday is around the corner, and most of my life is on track. I’m dating a great guy, my career is taking off and I am making head way into paying off my student loans. I’m finally starting to reap the rewards of all the hard work I’ve put into getting to this stage in my life. However, there is a huge cloud hanging over me. Kids. I don’t want any and the guilt is overwhelming – not so much for me, but for my parents, who talk endlessly about becoming grandparents. I would prefer to leave that for my sister to provide. How selfish am I? This decision was not made lightly. How do I tell them?

Sincerely

No Room for Kids

Dear No Room For Kids,

Many millennials are opting out of parenthood, so you are not alone. It’s imperative that you came to this decision after careful deliberation, as there is no going back, so let’s move forward.

Your parents raised you with hopes and dreams, and you are altering that path. Because of your decision, they will never have a grandchild from you, and that is something they need to accept, and grieve, if necessary. Share your reasons with them. Even if they don’t agree, at least they will understand you did not come to this life decision without extreme introspection. Your comment about being selfish suggests you still have some emotional work to do, too. Once you are sure of your decision, embrace it. It would be so much worse to bring a child into this world for the wrong reasons. Stand tall, and live your dreams to the fullest. Just expect that you will come across some people who will never understand or agree with your decision.

It’s never easy to say good-bye

Source: It’s never easy to say good-bye

It’s never easy to say good-bye

It was a long two and a half hour drive. Hopefully, this time it will be worth it.

We saw an ad for the puppy in the Toronto Star Saturday edition. This will be our third try. The first two pups didn’t work out, one was sick and the other had a mental disorder, the vet suspected inbreeding as the cause.

I had just lost my sweet Missy, my baby of 13 years and it was time to put some life back into our home, but the first two experiences left me in a worse emotional place.

We pulled up to the address, a small feed store in Minden Ontario.My husband Marshall, and sister Sarah, got out of the car first and I followed. We walked in to find a tiny, almost black, wiry pup passed out on the floor. She was the spitting image of Missy. My first thought was, do I really want a carbon copy of the dog I just lost?

We walked over to her and I tried to get her to wake up. Nothing doing. I patted her, no reaction. I lifted one of her paws and it was as droopy as a wet noodle. This 12 week old pup was so limp it was as if she’d downed a bottle of vodka. We went over to talk to the owner, who was also the reeve of the town.

“Really, she’s very spunky,” he insisted. “She just finished playing with her grandfather and she’s wacked out,” he said pointing to the older dog resting on the floor on the other side of the counter.

I looked at the other dog and then turned to look at this tiny schnoodle sprawled on the floor. She had an unfortunate haircut that had a part down the middle of her head, like Shemp from the Three Stooges. I can’t say it was love at first site.

“Are you sure she’s okay? I’ve never seen a puppy so pooped.”

He assured me that the pup was fine, and went on to explain that she had been sold, but was returned to him because the woman who had purchased her took ill and couldn’t care for her. Hmmmm…likely story, I thought.

“Why don’t you go over to the Timmy’s and have a coffee. When you come back she’ll be awake and full of life,” he promised.

So off we went to the coffee shop to talk this through. We had already made this long drive, it was at least worth a discussion.

Marshall said, “She seems healthy,” which was one of our big concerns after getting emotionally involved with the prior two sick pups, but I still didn’t know if I wanted a dog the looked exactly same as my Missy that I loved so much. I had my heart set on a white dog, or blonde, or red, even purple, something completely different.” Marshall suggested flipping a coin to make the decision.

“Heads we take her, tails we leave her.”

Seemed like a reasonable way to decide on a dog who’s going to be a member of our family for many years – NOT!

Marshall pulled a penny out of his pocket, tossed it in the air, caught it and slapped it onto the back of his hand. “Ready” he said about to reveal the outcome? Heads it was and it was decided right there in that Tim Horton’s coffee shop. We would be taking this little one home.

We walked back to the feed store to find the puppy jumping and totally annoying the other dog who was now growling and extremely agitated. “That grandpa of hers will be happy to see her go, she drives him crazy all day long,” the reeve said.

Marshall counted out $400 into the man’s palm, as I went over and picked up my new pup. With her tiny paws on my chest, she squirmed and licked every inch of my face. What a little ball of energy, I thought. She was very sweet, except for that unfortunate haircut. “Look past it,” my sister said.

On the drive home we talked about what to name her. “Since we flipped a penny to make the decision, how about we call her Penny?”

Today, just shy of 17 years of our wonderful life with Penny, it’s that heartbreaking time to love her enough to let her go.

She gave us so much joy and happiness, so much love and warmth. She slept in our bed, ate off our plates and followed us everywhere we went. She won “most improved” at obedience school and put a smile on everyone’s face. She touched hearts wherever she went. Like the first day in that feed store, she played hard and slept deep.

In 17 years I’ve never heard her growl, or seen her bare her teeth. She was the sweetest, even-tempered dog, always ready to please. It was a heart-wrenching decision to let her go.

Penny had full-blown dementia but seemed to be quite happy in la la land. Her arthritic joints were managed with painkillers, but after a bout with Vestibular disease (vertigo) she was diagnosed with a bladder tumor and it was obvious she was starting to be too uncomfortable for a reasonable quality of life. I couldn’t take the chance that she was in pain. I love her too much. The vet said it’s better to let her go one week early, than one minute late. That statement played over and over in my head.

Rest in peace my little one, go find your grandpa over the rainbow and drive him crazy once again. Thank you for the years of greeting me every day at the door like you haven’t seen me in years, for the soft licks, for the pawing at my hand when I wasn’t paying attention to you, for laying next to me every morning while I wrote my book, for dropping your ball on my head when I was asleep, for nudging me with your ice cold nose under my warm covers, for making me get up and walk at 6 a.m. regardless of weather, for putting a smile on my face when no one else could and for letting me use your soft velvet ears to dry my tears on really bad days. What will I use to dry my tears today?

Good bye my sweet, you will live on in our hearts for eternity.

When Should a First Date Progress to a Second?

Source: When Should a First Date Progress to a Second?

When Should a First Date Progress to a Second?

Dear Ella,

I hate first dates, and I’ve had quite a few lately. What’s with all the shtick men have now? The first guy seemed normal online and on the phone. We went for dinner and everything was going well, until he reached over and picked up a bunch of fries off my plate. The next guy barely took his eyes off his phone as his annoying text message alert kept interrupting our conversation. I couldn’t help feel the texts were about me. The third guy was clearly not over his ex and couldn’t stop discussing what a bitch she was. All deal-breakers in my book.

Isn’t there anyone left out there that’s normal! I’m so frustrated I could scream. How am I ever going to meet Mr. Right?

Sincerely,

Hates Dating

Dear Hates Dating,

Dating is all about the risks and the rewards. You have no choice but to put yourself out there in order to progress that first date into a second one. 

The first impression someone makes may not convey who they really are as a potential partner. You’re meeting a superficial being on the first date, someone who might be nervous, trying to put forward a specific persona, or trying too hard to impress you. On the other hand, he may truly be a jerk and not dating for the same reasons you are.

Time to put your Sherlock hat on and follow your instincts. It’s not easy, and you have to be smart. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if that first date should turn into a second. 

First and foremost, do you feel safe, not only physically, but emotionally? Is he well-mannered, not putting you down or making you feel inadequate? Do you have anything in common? Does he possess any of the qualities from your short list? Are you bored? Are you enjoying yourself, or is the date a chore? Is your conversation easy or strained? Catching him in a lie is also a huge red flag. Trust your instincts. 

Even if he did or said something annoying, if he passes most of the questions I mentioned, give a second date a try. Give yourselves a chance to let your hair down and get to know each other with the first date jitters and awkwardness out of the way. It only takes one to make it all the way to being that Mr. Right.

Dear Ella,

I recently met a sweet fellow at a party. He asked me out on a date, and I happily accepted. We were out for a walk after a lovely dinner, and he mentioned he would prefer to date women who have children. He is recently divorced and has two daughters 12 and 15.

At first I just thought it was an odd thing to say, but he explained that he didn’t feel a woman who has never raised children would understand that he has to put his kids first. I don’t have kids, and therefore don’t meet his criteria, but I like this guy and his values. Do you think I should bother trying to pursue him, and change his mind?

Sincerely,

Kidless & Single

Dear Kidless & Single,

I think on the surface, this fellow is admirable. First, his priority is his daughters, which tells me he is a hands-on dad. Second, he is being honest with you from the start, also an commendable trait. 

The question then turns to you. Are you comfortable taking second place in this relationship right from the start? He is telling you that you will never be No. 1. Can you handle that? Is that what you want?

I think what he really needs is time to adjust to his new lifestyle and experience what it’s like to be in the dating world again. He needs to stop being judgmental if he wants to succeed. Being a mother is not the only criteria that makes a woman understanding. There are plenty of divorced mothers who are ready to be No. 1 one in their man’s life, and there are plenty of single childless women, who may even want to get to know his kids and be part of their lives. 

Although this guy may have his priorities straight, his narrow-minded views tell me he’s not ready for the dating scene yet. He has growing and learning to do. Are you sure you want to be the one to teach it to him? 

An Empty Nest Means You’ve Done it Right!

Whether they’re off to university or to their first day of school, your feelings are real and life as you knew it has changed. You may not realize it now, but it’s a good thing. Really! (CJN column Oct 2, 2015)

http://www.cjnews.com/columnists/ask-ella-empty-nest-means-youve-done-it-right

Dear Ella,

A few weeks ago, my husband and I drove our son to McGill University in Montreal. On our drive home, we discussed how happy we were to have finally reached a stage where both boys are in university.

Now that it has sunk in and my husband is off to work every day, I am finding myself moping around, constantly depressed. The house is too quiet. When I open the front door, there is no one playing guitar, no music blaring, no mess, no negotiations about the car, and no one expecting dinner. I never thought I would feel so empty. 

I’m very happy for both my sons, but this empty nester thing is truly for the birds. How am I going to move on from feeling so lost and not needed?

Sincerely,

Sadly Alone at Last

Dear Sadly Alone at Last

Having your last child leave home opens up a whole barrage of emotions. Everything from joy, relief and well-deserved pride for having done a great job as a parent, to sadness, worry and loneliness. You have entered a new stage in your life, and you need to allow yourself time to adjust. This is also a new phase as a parent, as a wife and as an individual.

You’ve raised your boys with the hopes of getting them to this milestone. You’ve given them the tools they need to become productive, self-sufficient adults, and now it’s time to let go and let them put all the life skills you have instilled to work.

You probably put your family’s needs above your own, and it will take time and action to re-adjust that thought process and fill the void with things that continue to make you feel fulfilled. You could volunteer, go back to work, take some courses, join a book club, travel, join a health club, revive or start a hobby, go out on dates with your husband, get a dog, take up golf – the list is endless.

Remember: your boys are not gone for good, and believe me, they still need you and always will. Allow yourself time to make this new adjustment.

Try to plan your week in advance. In the beginning, you might be lunching a lot with friends you never had time for in the past, but eventually you will want to remake yourself and find the new right fit. 

Remember that your sons are always accessible. You can reach out by phone, text, FaceTime, Facebook or even visits. You’ve done a wonderful job as a parent, now it’s your turn, embrace this new transition.

Dear Ella,

I have three children, 9, 6 and 4. My baby started all-day junior kindergarten this week. My full-time job as a mom has abruptly come to an end. 

Usually, when the bus picks up the older boys, my daughter and I begin our full day of activities, but when I waved good-bye to her this morning, my heart sank down to the pit of my stomach. I spent so much time preparing her for this moment, but I never thought about what it would do to me.

I jumped in my car and chased the bus, only to find her getting off at the other end seeming quite content. She wasn’t in tears, but I was! I cried all the way home. I should be happy, not miserable.

Sincerely,

Baby in School

Dear Baby in School

Relinquishing the care of your last baby to someone else, a virtual stranger, is certainly traumatic, and there is no reason to trivialize it. However, your job as a full-time mom has not abruptly come to an end, it has simply changed. 

You just went from being needed every waking moment to an empty house for a few hours with time for your own thoughts and the luxury of making your own schedule without a kid hanging off of you. Your feelings are real and natural, and you have to allow yourself the time to work through them – time to grieve your old routine so you can create a new one that’s just as productive.

You’ve done a great job as a mom in the last nine years raising your little miracles to go into the world. Although it’s a difficult change for you, it’s also a good one. Time to add another layer to your already accomplished, full life.

But remember: you only have a few hours until that school bus arrives and your house is full of kids once again, all shouting mommy and needing you like they were never gone.

Affected by Life Changing Loss

What does becoming an adult orphan and going bald have in common? In a very real way, they are both a type of loss. The former, a loss of a connection to your childhood, and the latter, a loss of your youth. My column in the August 6, 2015 issue of The Canadian Jewish News, discusses Life Changing Losses and how to cope.

Dear Ella,

Last month I lost my mother at 92. For the last few years, she’d been deteriorating.

My father died nine years ago, so my focus has been on my mother for quite some time. I was lucky enough to be at her bedside when she died, and the oddest thought came to me within minutes of her passing. I’m an orphan. A 64-year-old orphan. I know it sounds ridiculous – that term is reserved for children.

Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling terribly empty. I left the hospital knowing I would not be returning and I didn’t want to go.

I have a husband, three children and four grandchildren, but I still feel alone, abandoned and scared.

I haven’t spoken to anyone about feeling this way, I’m too embarrassed.

Adult Orphan

Dear Adult Orphan

We all accept the fact that our parents will die eventually. It’s part of life, and logically we know the script, but the reality of a parent’s death has far more meaning attached to it than we anticipate.

Your feelings are normal. Most adults who lose their last parent have the same thoughts as yours. Most never verbalize it, as, like you, adults feel odd, or vulnerable, thinking of themselves as orphans. But that’s exactly what you are and you’re allowed to grieve, and should grieve, the loss of your last parent a little differently.

With your mother’s passing, your connection to your childhood has been severed, as has your role as a caregiver. Your life has changed in a flash and there are many emotional feelings associated with that life adjustment. The void is deep and the emptiness is real.

Your routine will change now too. Once you are past the funeral and shivah, you will have to redefine your time. It will feel strange, and you will want to call your mother or go see her on schedule. She won’t be there for holidays and birthdays, and it might be hard to realize it now, but her memory will be there. A familiar dish she served, or a saying she was known for, a scent, a habit – anything can and will remind you of your mom, and in those moments you’ll feel she is still with you. Hang on to those memories.

You are an orphan. It’s not strange to feel that way. When you’re ready, talk to others, and you’ll be very surprised to hear you’re not alone in those thoughts. Don’t repress your feelings. Embrace them and let others help you work through them.

Turn to your family to get you through this difficult time. Eventually, your grief will change to special memories, which you will hold deep in your heart forever.

Dear Ella,

I knew when I got married there would be challenges, but I didn’t expect this one. My husband is losing his hair and you’d think the world was coming to an end. He is depressed, withdrawn, thinks he’s ugly and doesn’t want to go out much anymore.  When he does, he wears a cap. I’m having a hard time taking this seriously. He looks fine, but he is turning this into a tragedy.  Imagine if I acted this way because I found cellulite on my thighs. I have no patience for this nonsense. Am I being insensitive?

Appalled Being Bald

Dear Appalled Being Bald

With the invention of mirrors, selfies, Instagram and photos being snapped and posted on Facebook every time you blink, people have become more attuned to how they are perceived. Just as Samson’s hair related to his strength, so is your husband’s hair tied to his youth and sex appeal.

For many men, hair loss is part of aging, and who wants to face that reality? I’ll bet your husband spends much more time grooming, trying to camouflage his hair loss, maybe growing facial hair to compensate. As his hairline recedes, his forehead gets bigger, hence the cap. There is a huge hair loss industry built around baldness for a reason.

It may seem like nonsense to you, but it’s very real to him. Time to step in and make your man feel that he is every bit the guy you fell in love with, hair or no hair. Reassure him that you are still madly attracted to him and that he is as handsome as ever. This is not nonsense. He has tied his appearance, youth and self-image to his hair. Help him through this stage in his life.

Handling Family Situations

Sometimes good intensions go awry. You can plan till the cows come home, but often that’s not how things work out. In my column this month I discuss two family situations. 

First, a stay-at-home mom that didn’t quite picture her life turning out the way it has. 

Second column is about the old mother-in-law. What’s she done this time? Nothing really, except that she keeps track of every gift, every phone call, how much was spent and feels that’s the way she will reciprocate when it’s her turn. Annoying? Undoubtedly. Worth making a fuss over? Not sure, what do you think?

Dear Ella,

When I met my husband I was living on my own and had a promising career. I continued working after we got married. My husband runs a very successful business and after I got pregnant and we both decided we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom.

I now have 2 small children and things have really changed around here.

I feel like a slave, no longer an equal partner in this marriage. I cater to Stan’s every need and make sure everyone is well taken care of. What do I get in return? Not a whole lot. Sure I have a wonderful home, food on the table and a reliable car, but my emotional needs are not being met. Nothing is appreciated, everything is expected. I am unhappy and need to fix this.

It’s My Life Too

Dear It’s My Life Too

You’re already on the right track by having identified that your situation needs fixing. In the past you were rewarded for a job well done by a weekly paycheck which is a monetary acknowledgement for your hard work. Now that your job has changed you still need the recognition for a job well done. Stay at home moms make many sacrifices for their families and often put their own needs last.

Perhaps you are doing your job too well? You’ve made it very easy for everyone to live their lives comfortably and you ask for nothing in return. You are not doing anyone any good if you’re unhappy.

You and Stan have been able to discuss important matters as equals in the past, so why not now? Often the pressures of daily routines don’t allow a lot of time for discussion, but communication is too important to put on the back burner.

You need a plan. Make the necessary arrangements which will allow you to have the time and privacy to have this talk. You need to rein everyone including the kids back in. If you can afford it, hire help. Make a schedule that allows you to have some personal time, as well as time with your husband, even if it’s going out to dinner every couple of weeks. If it’s not part of a specific schedule it will be taken over by your everyday routine.

Don’t underestimate what your contentment brings to your family. It’s possible Stan doesn’t realize how you’re feeling. Time for him to be clued in.

Dear Ella,

I hate exchanging gifts with my mother-in-law. This woman can tell you what I gave her for any occasion for the past 20 years!

She has this amazing bookkeeping system. She knows who gave what, how much they spent and she reciprocates with a gift of the same value. How am I supposed to give a gift from my heart if she puts this cold calculating agenda on every present?

She does the same with phone calls. Last year she was in the hospital for a week and she can tell you exactly who called, how many times, who sent flowers or an email.

She’s a lovely woman, but this part of her makes me crazy! Should I just come out and tell her how rude and ridiculous she is being?

Gift Tracker

Dear Gift Tracker

Your mother-in-law’s bookkeeping system is not so unique. Some people do this without consciously realizing it. There is a definite psychology to giving and receiving.

Usually a gifter gives to please the recipient. They are anxious to see the reaction as it’s an acknowledgment that the thought put into your gift is appreciated and it makes you as the giver feel good.

From the recipient’s perspective, although she may appreciate and enjoy the gift, she also sees it as an obligation and therefore has worked out this system. She thinks she is doing the right thing.

Your mother-in-law has been doing this for years, don’t expect to change her now. This doesn’t make her a bad person only an uncomfortable person to buy for as she is always calculating worth instead of appreciating the thought and effort.

Don’t let her ways change you. Continue giving in the way you are accustomed to. Gift giving is an action that makes you feel good. Giving out of obligation does not have the same rewards.

Try to look past this character flaw, it’s not worth making waves over.

Give those you love the benefit of the doubt

Do you ever find yourself quick to judge? Do you assume you know the whole story without even asking? How do you know the scenario you’ve built in your mind is actually reality?

My column in the June 4th CJN tackles two questions. The first letter is about assuming you know the answer without ever having asked a question. The second letter is about judging what you see – again without ever having asked a question. 

Dear Ella,

Everything had been going too well. Last year, I met Arthur at my friend’s  book club. We went for coffee after the meeting and have been together ever since. We have so much in common. Our kids are grown and happy, we travel together, love to read and have wonderful discussions.  We truly enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t been this happy in years.

A few days ago, however, I was dealt quite a blow. After a routine mammogram and follow-up testing, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I will need a lumpectomy and radiation. I’ve been dealing with this alone, as the last thing I want to do is burden my daughters or Arthur. I’m seriously considering breaking it off. I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Falling Apart 

Dear Falling Apart

Medically you’re doing all the right things by following doctors instructions and learning your next steps. Emotionally, however you are doing the opposite. There is no need for you to go through this alone. In fact, stress adds an extra challenge for your body to overcome.

You have a support system, and now is the time to use it. Your daughters would want to know and be there for you.

As for Arthur, give him a chance. See how he handles a difficult situation. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Don’t let this diagnosis define you. Although it’s a setback, you caught it early and have a medical plan in place. Now put the support component in place to ensure the most positive outcome.

Arthur may end up being that special person who will get you through the rough times. A partner is there for the good times and the difficult ones. Give him the opportunity to step up. He deserves that. Do not look at this as a burden. Health problems are a fact of life and can hit anyone at any time. Would you have bolted if the tables were turned and Arthur told you he had cancer? Somehow I doubt it. The two of you may come out on the other side of this journey, closer, stronger and more committed.

Arthur will have a lot of emotions to work through. Give him the time you’ve allowed yourself. Let him absorb what you’re telling him. Let him talk and share his concerns, fears and feelings. Communication is key for both of you. Hopefully Arthur will be the special man you believed him to be. However, if that’s not the case, it’s best you find out now. Hang on to the people who deserve you. You’ll get through this with the people who love you.

Dear Ella,

My brother Harry is a successful businessman. He’s the CEO of a large company and has a seat on the board of two organizations. Harry has three children over 20. He split from his wife a few years ago and started dating. For the past three months, he’s been seeing a woman in her early 30s. Harry is pushing 60. He looks absolutely ridiculous with her. I’m sure this woman is more interested in Harry’s money than in Harry. Is there any tactful way I can raise this topic without losing the relationship I have with my brother?

Yearning for Youth

Dear Yearning for Youth

Harry has managed to raise a family, do well in business and gain the respect of members in the community. He sounds well rounded and in control.

I have to wonder why you feel a man who can do so much right with his life is so inept when it comes to picking who to spend his social time with?

On the one hand you make Harry sound like an intelligent pillar in the community, and on the other, you paint him to be a love-struck moron.

Give Harry a bit more credit. If this younger woman is out for your brother’s money, Harry will probably figure it out. Maybe this woman is bright, intelligent, has a good heart and brings out the youth in your brother? Maybe your brother enjoys spending time with a younger woman who makes him feel good about himself? Whatever the reason, it’s his life and his business.

Give your brother the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Harry knows exactly what he’s doing.

Testing Friendships

In the May 7th, 2015 CJN I tackle the problems which can test friendships.

Is there ever a time it’s appropriate to mix into the personal life of your friend – to question his/her choices or offer your opinions? What about dating your dear friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend?

Where do you, as a friend, draw the line? 

Dear Ella,

My close friend Cindy has no sense when it comes to money. Cindy is the type of gal who has to have everything – the latest trendy outfit, pair of shoes, car. She has her nails done every week and is forever going to her masseuse. The problem is that Cindy has no money! She lives off some money her parents left her, but that will soon be gone. She has no savings, no RRSPs, no real estate. Her car is leased, her condo is rented and her credit cards are maxed out.

She has come to me for a loan from time to time, and I have always managed to weasel out of giving it to her. I feel like I’m standing by and watching my friend self-destruct. At this rate she is going to end up homeless. How do I get through to her?

Lousy Money Manager 

Dear Lousy Money Manager

Cindy may be spending to fill a void. This excessive spending behaviour is no different than any other addiction. It is labelled compulsive buying disorder, or oniomania.

If you are prepared to get involved, you must call her out on what you see and not let her make excuses for her actions. Are you prepared to take her by the hand and lead her through the steps she will have to go through?

Like any other addiction, Cindy has to admit she is in trouble. This will be the hardest part of the entire journey. Let her know what you have noticed and try to scare her into reality. Be honest and tell her why you will not lend her money. If she is willing to disclose her financial situation, you can show her on paper how she is setting herself up for a disaster.

If you can get through this first step, you can move on to a more positive solution. Help Cindy come up with a budget. Write down every expense she has and every bit of money she has to work with. See if she is willing to be accountable for her spending. If all else fails, CAMH has programs for this type of addiction. It may be a good place to get ideas on how to help Cindy.

Don’t be surprised if Cindy is not willing to listen just yet, but feel good knowing that at least you’ve planted the seed of concern in her mind. Let her know you will be there, when she comes to terms with the fact that she needs help.

Dear Ella,

I’m part of a close circle of friends. Janice, one of my dearest friends, broke up with Josh more than a year ago, but they remained close, and he has become an important member of this circle.

A couple of months ago, Josh’s mom passed away. Since then, Josh and I have become closer. I lost my mother last year, and this common grief has bonded the two of us. It is obvious that Josh and I are headed into a relationship that will extend the boundaries of  “just friends.” I have no idea how Janice is going to feel about this, and I love her dearly and do not want to hurt her. I also do not want to give up on what Josh and I have developed. I’m stuck and scared. Help!

Testing Loyalty

Dear Testing Loyalty

Dating your friend’s ex falls in the category of the “dating grey zone,” and there are no easy answers. This situation is a little different, because Josh and Janice were mature enough to put their breakup behind them and continue on with their friendship. Often a relationship will end badly, and hard feelings and anger are left behind.

Don’t let Janice discover this through the grapevine. You must be upfront with both Janice and Josh. Be honest with Janice. Explain how innocently your bond developed. Hopefully enough time has passed that Janice will be onside, but you have to prepare yourself for the chance that she will not approve. In that case, you will have some hard decisions ahead of you. Even if Janice gives you her blessing, the dynamic of your relationship could change.

Often, the best relationships are created when the two people involved start out as friends first. Friendship is about honesty, loyalty, support and respect. Your circle of friends has already tested some difficult situations and has come out on top.