Ella Burakowski's Blog, page 2

Are you kidding me?

Dear Ella,

In today’s mail, I noticed an invitation-like envelope, hand addressed to my husband and me. As I didn’t recognize the return address, I was particularly curious what this “invitation” was for. I opened the envelope to find a lovely, professionally printed card with what I thought was a smaller reply card.I started reading. It was in two parts: the first was the announcement of a marriage that had already taken place, while the second was the announcement of the forthcoming arrival of their baby. I kept reading and turned over the invitation to see what I was invited to. It was blank. I pull out the “reply” card, which listed two high-end stores that these people have registered at for baby gifts. That’s it! No invite. Nothing but a card asking for a gift from us. I would love your opinion on this one.

Stunned

Dear Stunned,

While it’s always nice to receive news about happy occasions, in this case, it’s been overshadowed by the request for gifts. The first word that pops into my head is “Chutzpah” which means audacity. A few choice other words followed out loud, but I won’t repeat them here.

Maybe I was jumping to conclusions? Maybe I was being too judgemental?

Having never heard of this type of gift solicitation, I showed the “invite” which was forwarded to me, to a number of people. I showed it to older people, younger people, and people in a range of socioeconomic and cultural groups. I thought, possibly, that with the fast pace of technology, such as e-mails, texting, social networks and e-cards, this might be a new way people are doing things. No need for an expensive wedding or baby shower – what a waste of time and money when we could simply cut to the chase and go directly to the gifts!

I polled more than 100 people, and the opinions were unanimous. The shock and bewildered looks I received as they realized what they were reading were all similar. Some thought maybe these people were needy, but the gift registrations were for expensive, trendy stores, Pottery Barn Kids and Toys-R-Us Babies, so that theory was quashed. Clearly this couple was misguided and oblivious to how people would react. Maybe they received poor advice from a well-meaning friend or relative?

Whatever the reason, I can find no redeeming conclusion, so I gave the invitation a royal place in my recycling bin. I do have to wonder how many gifts they received.

Accepting generosity may not always go as expected

Dear Ella,

Many years ago, I established a RESP for my niece as a gift to pay for her university education. Recently, I met her parents to discuss my kindhearted gift, as my niece will soon be entering university. Although they were surprised and thanked me for the loving thought, they refused it, because they wish to pay for her university education themselves.

Being single with no children myself, I am perplexed by their refusal.

Some suggestions have been to wait and see what the future holds for her or to donate the funds to a university. I feel discombobulated, as my good intentions have now gone awry, and my gift may not be used for its intended purpose.

What should I do? Please advise.

Sincerely,

Befuddled

Dear Befuddled

Your intentions are noble and generous, and you should feel good about the gesture you made for your niece.

I can’t guess why they refused the gift. Perhaps they’ve been saving for her education and want to be the ones to foot the bill? Maybe they can “suggest” the path they would like her to pursue if the money is coming from them? Perhaps they’re embarrassed to accept your gift? I’m not privy to your family dynamics. The only way to know for sure is to ask, and even then, it may be too personal for them to discuss with you. I do, however, feel your niece should be made aware of your kindness and generosity, and that this information should come from you.

Once you deal with the emotional repercussions, move on to the practical part of this problem. You’re left with a large sum of money, which consists of your contributions and government grants, and has tax implications. You need to speak with a financial adviser and weigh your options.

Perhaps your niece can speak with her parents? Maybe she will want to pursue a post-graduate degree where she can utilize your gift? Otherwise you can transfer some of the money to an RRSP to at least save the tax. This is where advice from a professional will be useful.

You tried to do a gracious thing. Be proud of your intentions.

Dear Ella,

I just moved into a new neighbourhood. Most of the neighbours are very nice and seem pretty normal, except for one. Melanie started with a daily friendly little note on my door – a happy face or “Have a great day.” We’ve now escalated to a bag between my doors with a small gift. Yesterday I arrived home to a note telling me to drop by and pick up a dozen muffins, because she baked extras just for us.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but the last thing I want to do when I get home from work and need to start dinner is go across the street, make small talk, smile and pick up muffins.

I’m not sure how to set boundaries with this woman without creating hard feelings. Thoughts?

Sincerely,

Too Nice for Me

Dear Too Nice for Me

Living with people is one of the hardest things to get right. This falls under the category of personal space. We all need it, both physically and emotionally. You have to be careful not to offend your new neighbour, and she’s really done nothing wrong, but she has pushed you out of your comfort zone.

You need to let her know gently. She may be lonely and happy that you moved into the neighbourhood. It’s best to nip this one in the bud before muffins turn into full dinners, favours or something out of a Stephen King novel.

Tell Melanie that although you appreciate her kind gestures, between work and family you have very little down time and feel uncomfortable accepting these lovely tokens, because you can’t reciprocate. If she’s normal, she’ll understand and back off. If she’s not, it’s better to end this sooner rather than later.

My August 18, 2016 column in The Canadian Jewish News

Ask Ella – Accepting Generosity

Young or Old, Parenting is Never Easy

Dear Ella,

My parents raised both my brother and me to be caring and responsible. We are both working adults with families of our own. My father died two years ago, and now, our elderly mother, who lives on her own, needs help.

I speak to her every day and see her at least three to four times a week. I do her shopping, take her to appointments and help with her hygiene. What does my brother do? Nothing! He barely calls, and she’s fine with that, because he is a “busy man.” Her care seems to have landed squarely on my shoulders. In her eyes, I’m the daughter, and it’s expected of me.

How do I rectify this injustice without causing a rift between my brother and me?

Sincerely

Not Woman’s Work

Dear Not Woman’s Work

I don’t think it’s that unusual for people of your mother’s generation to feel that taking care of anything domestic is women’s work and bringing home a paycheque is men’s work, which, to her, absolves your brother from having to help with her care

This explains why she is happy with just a periodic phone call. There’s little point in trying to change your mother’s expectations. The family dynamics have been set, and it’s clear your mom’s relationship with you and your brother are very different.

The problem is lack of communication with your brother. He is going about his life very content that mom is well cared for, and there is no reason he needs to be involved. Perhaps if he realized the physical and emotional burden you are dealing with, he would step up.

It’s your place to get that message across to him, but do it rationally and logically, not when you’re emotional and heated. Have solutions in place to offer as suggestions, such as a schedule or perhaps pooling family money together to get support for caregivers, or, if you can afford it, even a retirement residence where your mother can also enjoy some social time to add quality to her life.

You’ve been a wonderful daughter. Don’t let that turn into resentment. Believe me when I say you will never be sorry for doing all that you can for your mother.

Dear Ella,

I’m on the road a lot and often find it more convenient to meet with clients in restaurants rather than have them come to my office. I can’t begin to tell you how often my meetings are plagued by the poor behaviour of children and even poorer behaviour of their parents. Sitting in a booth, I can be accosted by a child standing in the booth behind me, yelling, spitting food and making faces at my client. When I ask the accompanying parent politely to handle the situation, I am more often than not snubbed, ignored or told off.

I have asked waiters to help, and if possible, they move me to another table, which is disruptive during a meeting. The offending tot and guardian are the ones who should be moved. Don’t you agree? I don’t get why parents think this behaviour is acceptable in public.

Sincerely

Seen and Not Heard

Dear Seen and Not Heard

The convenience of conducting business in a restaurant nearby can save both you and your client valuable time. However, it is not an office, and you have no control of who will be there. Perhaps do a bit of investigating in the area where you plan to meet and stay away from family-type establishments. Try a coffee shop or neighbourhood bar instead.

For lunch, go to an upscale restaurant and be prepared for a larger tab. The choice is yours. You can only control so much, and if you choose to meet at a family restaurant, you are taking your chances. Not all parents will meet with your approval. Don’t try to change them. The changing in this case rests with you and your choices.

Mother’s Day Poem for my Mom

 

Shoshana Gold Burakowski

 

Reliving your journey, as I wrote Hidden Gold,

I understand now, the stories never told.

I metaphorically walked through hell in your shoes,

Through WW2 Poland, with so many other Jews.

You survived the Holocaust, but your pain was too great,

It left you fragile, and sealed your fate.

Your fear never healed, no chance for repair

No breaks for you, life just isn’t fair.

Now it makes sense, your cries in the night,

Your suffering and fear, in nightmares unite.

Waking in panic and gasping for breath,

Realizing it was a dream, not a brush with death.

Enlightened and in awe, I feel closer to you now,

Still shaking my head, and wondering how.

I miss you mom, I wish for one more chance,

To talk, to hug you, and have one more glance.

Mom, I have so much to ask, so much to say,

If only I could have just one more day.

I would hold you so tight and never let go,

But instead all I have is the odd photo.

I was too young to realize, too young to understand.

But all that has changed, as I take your hand,

And walk with you in spirit, today of all days,

I wish you were here to celebrate Mother’s day.

Setting Boundaries Can Improve Family Dynamics

Dear Ella,

Sometimes I feel like I live in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. My mother-in-law has no problem dropping by whenever she likes without any notice.

When she’s here, she proceeds to criticize everything I do, especially when it comes to my kids – and she does it “nicely.” She did a crappy job raising her own kids, so why would I listen to her advice about mine?

My husband doesn’t mind his mother’s meddling, but I feel like I’m going to blow. I don’t want to create a rift, and she is welcome here, but I would like some rules in place, and I don’t know how to tell her. Truth be told, she scares me, and I need her to help out from time to time. Thoughts?

Sincerely,

Meddling Mother-in-Law

Dear Meddling Mother-in-Law

Your letter has a tone of resentment, and that’s never a good place to be when trying to fix a problem. Take a step back, remove the emotion and make a plan. You want to create boundaries, but allow for an inviting, swinging gate.

This is very realistic and achievable.

It sounds like your mother-in-law has passive-aggressive tendencies. She masks her disapproval by cloaking it in a well-meaning, friendly manner. There is no reason for the criticism to escalate to an argument if you handle it properly.

First, she can’t and shouldn’t be there all the time. It interferes with the harmony in your home. You and your husband must have that discussion and form a united front, which may be the bigger problem. Together, tell her how much you appreciate and love her, but it would be helpful if she would stay away at dinner time, or homework time. Whatever boundaries you create, make them clear. Then follow it with, “You are more than welcome after school. The kids love to be with you.”

Choose the times that are appropriate, and stick to them. She can only intrude as much as you allow her to. It may be uncomfortable and difficult at first, but if you set parameters and follow them, you will improve the sanctity of your family and take back control. Do it lovingly and with understanding, and listen to her response. She probably had no idea she was creating friction. I’m sure that was not her intention.

Dear Ella,

This is hard for me to discuss, but here goes. I’m overweight and have been struggling ever since I had my second child.

When my husband and I met, I was 18, a baseball player, runner and loved sports. However, over the years, between stress and children, I’ve gained over 50 lbs. and can’t seem to get back on track.

I know, and I struggle with this problem, but it makes it worse when he is constantly reminding me and watching everything I put in my mouth. It’s reached the point that I avoid him, because I can see the disapproval in his eyes. How do I get him to understand he has to lay off.

Sincerely,

Weighty issue

Dear Weighty Issue

There are two things going on here: first, your husband’s constant nagging about you having to lose weight, and second how you feel about yourself.

Let’s start with your husband. He may be concerned about your health, or he may be concerned about how attracted he is to you now. Whatever the reason, he’s crossed a line you are uncomfortable with. Your body is your business, and you need to make that very clear to him. You’re not stupid. You have eyes and feelings, and he needs to know that this conversation is off limits to him.

Now let’s deal with how you feel. No amount of nagging or diet and exercise books are going to make you happy. You have to decide for yourself that you are ready, and when you are, tackle this problem head on. If you choose to make your husband part of the solution, that should be your choice. When you are ready to work on losing weight, you will. Take back control. You’ll be glad you did.

When the going gets tough, is it time to bolt?

Marriage is a commitment and sometimes problems come in droves. When money is the issue, do you stick or bolt?

What about dating? If you’re a single lady and you’re asked over to your date’s home on the first meeting, are you prudish or difficult if you refuse?

Feb 26, 2016 issue of The CJN

 

Dear Ella,

My husband Paul and I have been married for five years and have a four-year-old daughter. Paul was laid off work a few months ago. His severance is coming to an end, and it has put a huge wedge between us. All we do is fight. The job market is challenging, and we live in Toronto with a mortgage, car payments and living expenses that can’t be managed on one salary. Our daughter cries and is crankier than ever. She feels our tension.

I’m hoping we’ll get through this with our marriage intact, but as each day passes, we are growing further apart. Inappropriate comments are being said that can’t be taken back. The love we shared is taking a back seat to this stress. Help!

Sincerely,

Marriage Meltdown

Dear Marriage Meltdown

Money problems can ruin a marriage, and yours has been hit squarely in the face by our economy. The fear and constant anxiety of the unknown are overwhelming. You need to regroup both emotionally and financially. Take a deep breath, put your anger aside and communicate as a team. You need a concrete plan.

Toronto is a very expensive city. This can work to your benefit. For starters, you are homeowners at a time when prices have soared. Depending on when and where you bought your home, it’s probably increased in value. Talk to a good, experienced real estate agent who knows your market, as well as markets outside of Toronto. It’s free. You may discover you are sitting on some substantial equity.

Create a realistic a budget you can both stick to. Can you manage with one car for now? Where can you sacrifice? Seeing numbers on paper forces accountability and makes it easier to trim expenses.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a blip, albeit a big one, in a lifelong marriage. Don’t forget to make time to enjoy yourselves, too, with family activities like a walk in the park, ice skating, tobogganing or playing games. You need fun to balance the stress and to remind you of why you fell in love in the first place.

Work together and support each other though this challenging time. It won’t last forever. Hunker down and ride it out. You have a strong common goal: your family. Working together through this crisis will empower and strengthen your marriage. You can do this.

Dear Ella,

I agreed to meet Andrew after connecting online. We met at Starbucks and talked for a couple of hours. He asked if I would like to continue our chat over dinner, and I agreed, until he suggested we go to his place for dinner.

I was really taken aback. How could he think I would agree to go to his place after knowing this stranger for two hours? I suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable and realized I had misjudged this guy. He was shocked at my reaction. All I wanted to do is get out of that coffee shop and run. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Couldn’t Run Fast Enough

Dear Couldn’t Run Fast Enough,

Good for you for not allowing yourself to be pressured into a situation you are uncomfortable with.

Dating requires a balance. You allow yourself to be a little vulnerable by letting your guard down so your date can get to know you while staying true to your feelings and never doubting your instincts.

Never allow yourself to be in a situation where you don’t feel safe. If Andrew can’t understand that a first date should never take you to a secluded place where you are alone together, then Andrew is either completely out of touch with the etiquette of dating, or he has an ulterior motive.

Either way, bravo for not allowing yourself to be pressured into feeling like you’re the one with the problem. You’ve got your values and intuition intact. I only hope that anyone else who comes across Andrew is equally as confident in their decision, or is a specialist in krav maga.

Is it possible to be too sensitive?

In this week’s issue of The CJN I talk about men who cry….cry a lot.

Would that bother you? I also made a discovery of a condition I knew nothing about that affects 15-20% of the population called HSP.

In the 2nd letter, I touch on how this condition can affect kids too.

Dear Ella,

Josh is in tune with my needs and really listens to me when I speak. He’s the first guy I’ve dated in years who I feel connects to me emotionally and physically.

I feel petty even mentioning this problem, but here goes: he’s a crier. He cries more than I do. I don’t mean just in tragic situations. I mean he cries watching movies, TV shows or reading. Last week, we went to see Star Wars and there was a short before the movie in which a snowman was left alone in a refrigerator while the little girl who made him grew up and forgot about him. Oh my God did Josh sob!

What is that? Of all the men I’ve known in my life, I rarely saw any cry, and for sure not in public. I don’t even know any women that cry as much as he does.

Do you think I can approach this subject with him, or should I just pretend not to notice and stop being so petty?

Sincerely,

Crying Game

Dear Crying Game

Josh sounds like a very sensitive person. It’s phenomenal to be able to find a match that fits with your needs this well.

This trait actually has a clinical name. Josh is a highly sensitive person or HSP. People like Josh feel things more deeply than most. He processes stimuli more acutely. He is likely more aware and in tune to all of his senses than the average person.

The question then becomes is this a problem? If it’s not a problem for Josh, why is it a problem for you? Are you embarrassed? Do you feel less secure with a man who cries? On one hand, you are happy to have found a man who really hears and feels you, but on the other, you want him to check his sensitivity when it spills over into tears.

Society has conditioned us to perceive a crying man as weak, and we all know that “big boys don’t cry” right? Wrong. Just recently we witnessed U.S. President Barack Obama cry while speaking about gun violence. Josh has broken the stereotype society has placed on genders and is not uncomfortable showing real emotion.

In a nutshell, this is not Josh’s problem, it’s yours. Instead of seeing his crying as a weakness, see it as a strength – the strength of a man not ashamed or embarrassed to show emotion.

Dear Ella,

This is the first year that our seven-year old Hannah has started to have sleepovers. She has a best friend, Hailey, who is a sweet, adorable little girl. The problem is when Hailey is here, things always escalate to tears. Hailey’s tears. We have a busy house with three kids always running around. Our oldest boy is often playing hockey in the basement and yelling at the girls to get out. Hailey cries. If someone says something off, Hailey cries. This time we had a sleepover, and Hailey cried that she wanted to go home. This child is a little too much work for me right now, but I don’t want to discourage Hannah from having her over. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Little Drama Queen

Dear Little Drama Queen

Hailey is a highly sensitive child and therefore you need to handle her visits with extra TLC. I’m not sure how much you want to get involved, but I suggest you start by speaking to Hailey’s parents about your observations and asking for tips to make Hailey and Hannah’s visits filled with more fun and less drama.

Hailey becomes overwhelmed easily and, therefore, needs more structure to her visits. She probably doesn’t like noise, screaming, fighting or surprises, which is why the basement isn’t the best place for the girls when the boys are playing hockey there. 

When Hailey comes over, try to structure the girls activities around quieter play, such as puzzles, crafts or a movie. Keep them away from the boys’ rougher play. The girls are still young for sleepovers. Maybe stick to daytime play for now. If they are great friends, the little extra effort will be worth it.

Reflections of the past year

2015 will go down as one of the best years of my life.

On Oct 6, 2015 Second Story Press, officially released my book Hidden Gold to the public.

In only 3 months the reviews, comments and sales have been better than I could have ever dreamed.

The editorial reviews, the reader reviews, the book signings, the interviews have all contributed to the success of Hidden Gold and to the joy of knowing that my family’s Holocaust story will live on through generations to come.

On a more personal level, I feel very blessed that my Uncle David Gold is alive to witness how his suffering as a 12-year-old boy is now being used to educate both young and old about the Holocaust. Through the eyes and hearts of my family, people will learn about this horrific and tragic period in history. Hidden Gold will live long after the last survivor is no longer able to speak for him or herself.

To hear how people talk about my mother Shoshana as a heroine brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. My mother survived the war physically, however the emotional scars were just too deep and she never recovered. She died at the age of 52. I have reconnected with my mother on a spiritual level. Through Hidden Gold I’ve had the chance to show people what a wondrous, selfless, strong and loving women my mother truly was. She wasn’t around long enough to reap the rewards of surviving. She didn’t get to enjoy her life and freedom in Canada with her husband, or savor each moment watching her children grow up. Hidden Gold is the conduit through which the outside world will know her.

Taking a parent or anyone you love for granted is a huge mistake. Life is fragile and you never know what tomorrow will bring.

If you argue, make up. If you feel something, say it. If you have an opportunity to do something today, don’t put it off till tomorrow. It’s easy to get caught up in the minutia of the daily grind, so prioritize and keep what’s really important to you front and centre. Live for today, live for the moment.

May the coming year fill your lives with meaning, laughter, charity and love.

Happy New Year,

Ella Burakowski

 

Addicted to Smoking

Teens React to Old Cigarette Commercials

Dear Ella,

I’m a hard-core smoker and have been for 35 years. I’ve tried to quit many times, but I barely make it through one day.

Logically I know the horrifying data. Our government has made it extremely inconvenient and expensive for me to smoke, and my kids are angry with me for being so selfish. The icing on the cake? My dear friend Barb just passed away. She had lung cancer and was a smoker, like me. I was physically sick and an emotional wreck dealing with the guilt of “I may be next.” So how do I handle this? I have a cigarette! If this wasn’t the kick in the pants I needed, how am I ever going to get out of this?

Sincerely,

Addicted 

Dear Addicted

Smoking is a complex habit. It is so much more than a physical addiction. There is a strong emotional component. It is therapy for some, as well as an association with daily routines, a nicotine dependence. A smoking addiction has tentacles that hold on tight to your body and your mind.

Sure, there may be all kinds of help out there, and your friends and family will jump for joy and support you, but the buck stops with you. You are the one who has to walk the walk and not have a cigarette after a meal, or after a phone call, or with a coffee. You need to get through this tough part and be prepared to put in the work –  and make no mistake, it is work.

On the bright side, there is help and support available. Most smokers desperately want to be rid of this dangerous habit and the hold it has on them. Start with your doctor for help finding the right aid to help you on your mission. Seek out reading material, online support groups, patches, gum etc.

This is your decision alone. Once you make it, you don’t have to go it alone. Tell people. It will make it more real and force you to be accountable. January 1, 2016 can be the beginning of a new experience, a new commitment and a new path for you.

Whatever it takes, you will never regret your decision.

I’m a Jew on Christmas

Dear Ella,

I’m bombarded with Christmas. Walking through a mall with all the Christmas decorations, walking the dog past the houses with Christmas lights, surfing the radio for a normal song or the TV for a movie without a Christmas theme, and even buying a cup of coffee in a generic cup, I am in Christmas sensory overload!

People are also in great moods. So why am I so sad? As a Jew, I can’t help feeling left out. I want to join in, too, but feel like my parents are admonishing me from their graves. I like the spirit of the holiday, not the religious aspect. It is a warm holiday at a very cold time of year. The point is, I feel guilty even thinking this way. I can’t be the only one feeling excluded, can I?

Sincerely,

Feeling Left Out

Dear Feeling Left Out

Living in Canada, you will always experience this all-encompassing holiday season. It’s the most lucrative time of year for businesses, so it’s very aggressively marketed.

The results are exactly as you describe. Everywhere you turn, Christmas is in its full glory. So what are you supposed to do? Nothing. Stop feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a beautifully decorated house. It’s pretty. The shows on TV are usually good and heartfelt, often with a family theme or a message. As for the tunes, they’re often toe-tappingly catchy. Unless you hibernate in your home without outside stimulus, you cannot avoid this season. Enjoying pretty lights doesn’t make you a bad Jew.

Jews everywhere experience the same feelings. Even Kyle from South Park has a song called A Jew at Christmas.

Chanukah usually falls around the same time of year, and we have the same feelings of gift giving and family spirit through our very own holiday. Lighting candles, family get-togethers, community programs, parties, latkes and gifts will satisfy this warm spirit you are missing. Don’t fight your way through this season. Live through it, enjoy the spirit of the season, and stop feeling guilty.