Rachel Neumeier's Blog, page 51

Four Elements That Must Be In The Opening Scene

I bet you know what I thought when I saw this post title at Writers Helping Writers: Four Must-Haves in the First Two Paragraphs of Every Chapter or Scene

I thought: Sure, uh huh, tell me, what are these four essential elements that have to be there?

However, I was wrong. I actually agree with all four essential elements. I even agree these elements need to be in the first two paragraphs. Does that alone let you figure out what those four elements are? What would you think? If I’d asked myself Okay, what ARE really essential things in the first couple paragraphs of every single scene? then I might have realized there actually are a handful of essentials.

Here’s the one I should definitely have thought of, and you probably did:

1 — WHOSE POV IS THIS?

Of course, if the whole novel sticks to just one pov from chapter one all the way through, then this is not a concern. If you’re switching pov, then it’s a big concern. This is why I tagged each chapter in MARAG with either Sinowa’s name or Marag’s name at the top, even though chapters strictly alternate AND it’s usually clear enough from the first couple of paragraphs, even without the header.

It’s usually fine to just signal this in the first couple of paragraphs by using the character’s name. I’ve done that before, plenty of times. Especially if the story is being told in third person, that’s usually easy to do. However, adding the pov character’s name as a chapter heading removes any possible ambiguity and may also simply make the reader feel totally secure about whose pov they’re in. That last may make the chapter heading worthwhile all by itself. I don’t think there’s much ambiguity in MARAG, but still, why not? It’s easy enough, and also this is the first Tuyo-world book with multiple pov protagonists, so it makes sense to signal the reader as clearly as possible that pov is switching.

If you’re not using chapter headings OR you’re switching more often that at the top of a chapter, then it’s absolutely crucial to cue the reader every time you switch pov. Within the first two paragraphs is generous. Within the first two sentences is probably better. This is true even if the voices of the characters are very distinctive, but certainly very distinctive voices does help too. I’m sure we’ve all read books where we suddenly thought, “Wait, who is this?” and had to go back to the top of the chapter to check. Ugh. That really shouldn’t ever happen. The author should signal the reader VERY CLEARLY when pov shifts AND on top of that the voices should be distinctive.

What’s the next thing? Now that we’re thinking about orienting the reader, I bet it’s much easier to get the rest of the four essential elements:

2 — WHERE ARE YOU?

3 — WHEN ARE YOU?

Those elements are indeed essential, and I remember now how Navah Wolfe, my S&S editor, asked me to include a clear time referent at the beginning of each chapter in Winter of Ice and Iron.

That’s when I named all the months, so that I could refer to Apple Blossom Month and Wolf Month and so on as we counted down toward the dark hinge of winter, the shortest days of the year, when the dragons come through the wall of storms and various sorts of disaster may occur. The passage of time is really important in that book, so it was crucial to help the reader keep track.

You also have to orient the reader in space, especially if your characters are traveling, especially if you’ve compressed time. But even if you haven’t, even if your protagonist is just walking from one room to another inside a house, you still have to draw the new room. Not, probably, in a lot of detail, but in enough detail that the reader doesn’t feel like the characters are walking through the dreaded featureless “white room.” This all ties back to the recent post on description, because the new scene may include scents or sounds or whatever as well as things to look at, plus the protagonist may react emotionally to something in the room, and all of that can be important in keeping the story grounded in the world.

I think I also said recently that this is one reason (I suddenly realized) that every book is longer than I expect: because moving into each scene takes more words than I really think it will. That’s because of the need to move protagonists into each scene in a way that makes sense and get the characters from one important event to another in a way that flows. (nd then I introduce a new side character and find myself looking for something for that secondary character to do, which just happened with RIHASI, and I’m like, this is all very well, but jeez, no wonder everything takes so many words.)

What’s the fourth element?

4 — WHO IS PRESENT

Yes yes yes, especially if there is a clutter of characters, your reader is going to forget someone is there (in fact, *I* am likely to forget someone is there), so you have to remind the reader (and yourself) who, besides the protagonist, is present. And that gets into the whole crowd scene thing, which is genuinely difficult. But besides crowd scenes, the linked post also adds:

There is nothing more jarring than thinking a character is alone in a scene and having a second character speak up or yell on page two, while standing right beside them, as if they appeared out of thin air.

I can’t offhand remember that happening, but it would certainly be jarring. It’s like a version of the white room — a ghostly secondary character who is invisible until he speaks.

Basically this whole things boils down to: Read your story as though you were the reader, and make sure the reader remains oriented in time, grounded in space, and basically present in the world of the story. Even if that takes a lot of words. It really is crucial.

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Tabletop games for readers

At Book Riot: Tabletop Games to Play Based on Your Favorite Books

Fans of books and games share an appreciation of good storytelling, dynamic characters, and chances to connect with others over play and imagination. … So why not look for your next favorite game by finding play-alikes for your most beloved books?

Personally, I think the Firefly game is pretty amazing for how much it captures the feel of that world, with many fun twists arising from the main characters. But of course, that’s a show, not a book. [Wow, Amazon, that was hard to find, what gives?] [Probably they want buyers to see this combo pack with the tv series plus the movie, but the movie was … I’m not sure I would say “bad,” but it had some pretty disappointing elements and is not up to the quality of the actual series.] [Also, if you’ve managed never to watch the complete show, you really, REALLY should. Some of the episodes that were never aired were just fantastic.]

Regardless, back to the topic, which is tabletop games based on books. What does this Book Riot post suggest?

The Plot Thickens. I’ve linked to the SF version, but there are versions for mystery fans and romance fans as well. You’re dealt a hand of story components — characters, locations, objects — and use them to creatively weave a narrative with your fellow players. The storyteller who gains the most points gets to choose the ending. Sounds clever and fun.

Gravwell. This is a boardgame, and following a disaster, you (and all the other players) are trying to get out of, yes, a gravity well. Sounds very simple, but the post is enthusiastic.

The most remarkable is surely this one:

Panic in Gotham City. You’ll first construct the puzzle board to build a 3D version of Gotham City and unpack detective files on the mystery at hand. Then you connect your smartphone, and things get really interesting. The game comes to life with impressively crafted augmented reality, revealing secret codes, puzzles, and hidden rooms. That sounds like something else. It’s pricey, says the linked post, and it sure is, but wow, what an interesting way to expand the concept of board games. I bet we see more games that pick up aspects of this game.

Here’s a fantasy one:

Portals. An abstract strategy game perfect for fantasy readers. Like the best of games, it’s easy to learn but gives you lots of options for different strategies and techniques, making it something you’ll want to play again and again. The goal of the game is to find missing magician Dominick Dey, who disappeared during his travels between worlds.

A) That sounds fun, and also

B) OMG I am absolutely dying for a Touchstone game now. What would the frame story be? The cruzach are reappearing — in small numbers so far. You, Earth person, just came through the portal. You were thinking of a cushy job teaching figure skating, but here you are, in a position to help save the world. Cassandra and Kaoren are somewhere else doing something important, but maybe you’ll meet them later. You can roll for different setari powers. This is a cooperative game; other players are Earth people or else native to the Touchstone world(s) and they are also members of your team.

There are other games at the link, click through to check them out, but I must say, I’m too distracted by this idea of a Touchstone game to really pay that much attention to the other games suggested here.

HOWEVER, if you have a favorite game based on a literary genre or a specific work, please drop it in the comments. Is there a good TLotR one? It seems like there has to be, but nothing’s mentioned here.

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Fun with Generating A Novel

Good morning, ChatGPT! Please begin a fantasy romance story about a professional mercenary who meets a woman who can turn into a falcon.

***

ChatGPT:

In the realm of Eldoria, where magic and mysticism intertwined with the mundane, there existed a renowned mercenary known as Kaelen Shadowblade. His reputation as a skilled and ruthless warrior spread far and wide, making him both feared and sought after in equal measure. Kaelen’s heart, however, remained shrouded in mystery, untouched by the bonds of love, for his life was dedicated to the pursuit of coin and the thrill of battle.

One fateful day, Kaelen received a peculiar contract that would alter the course of his destiny. The mysterious Council of Elders tasked him with a mission that led him deep into the enchanted forest of Arion. His objective: to retrieve a valuable artifact guarded by an elusive sorceress named Seraphina Moonwing.

As Kaelen ventured further into the heart of Arion, the air thickened with magic, and the trees whispered secrets of forgotten times. He soon found himself standing before a hidden grove, where a woman with silver hair and eyes the color of moonlit night awaited him.

Seraphina Moonwing,

***

Editorial comment: My goodness, these names!

Back to the story.

***

As I was saying, Seraphina Moonwing, the guardian of the artifact, possessed a beauty that transcended mortal realms. Intrigued by her presence, Kaelen sensed a power within her that rivaled his own. The air crackled with tension as they locked eyes, a silent understanding passing between them.

“You’re the mercenary they’ve sent,” Seraphina spoke with a voice like a gentle breeze. “But you won’t take the artifact without understanding its significance.”

***

Editorial comment: OMG, a voice like a gentle breeze, I can’t even.

***

As she explained the artifact’s role in preserving the delicate balance between magic and the mortal world, Kaelen found himself captivated by her words. Despite his stoic exterior, a spark of curiosity ignited within him, and an unspoken connection formed between the two.

As the duo navigated the treacherous trials of Arion, facing mythical creatures and overcoming magical barriers, an unexpected camaraderie developed. Kaelen’s icy heart began to thaw in the warmth of Seraphina’s company, and he found himself drawn to the vulnerability that lay hidden beneath her enchanting exterior.

However, the true revelation came when Seraphina, under the light of a full moon, transformed into a majestic falcon. Kaelen watched in awe as she soared through the night sky, the embodiment of freedom and untamed beauty.

Caught between duty and burgeoning emotions, Kaelen realized that the walls around his heart were crumbling. The mercenary and the shapeshifter found themselves entangled in a web of fate, where love and adventure intertwined, promising a journey that would defy the conventions of both their worlds. Together, they would face not only external threats but also the internal conflicts that arose as they dared to explore the uncharted territories of their own hearts.

***

Aww, the walls around his heart are crumbling! That didn’t take long. Obviously, ChatGPT is trying to cram the whole romance into however many words that is, okay, 450 words.

What I wanted to look at was continuity when a story gets longer, but I got distracted by ChatGPT’s repeated attempts to finish the story in the last paragraph of each and every section. Let’s take a look at just the last paragraph that ChatGPT furnished every time it was told to continue the story.

***

Continue the story: ….

As they returned to the Council of Elders, Kaelen and Seraphina’s tale became legend—a story of a mercenary who found redemption in love and a shapeshifter who discovered the true meaning of freedom. In the heart of Eldoria, where magic intertwined with destiny, their love story echoed through the ages, a testament to the enduring power of love in a world teeming with enchantment and danger.

Continue the story …

As they stood beneath the ancient trees, surrounded by the whispers of nature and the echoes of their journey, Kaelen and Seraphina knew that their love was a force stronger than any enchantment or curse. Together, they embraced the enchanting tapestry of their shared destiny, knowing that their story would forever be etched into the magical realms of Eldoria.

Continue the story …

United by a love that transcended time and magic, Kaelen and Seraphina embraced their destiny as Guardians, ready to face whatever challenges awaited them in the ever-evolving tapestry of Eldoria. Little did they know that their journey was intricately woven into the fabric of an ancient prophecy, and the choices they made would determine the destiny of Eldoria for generations to come.

Continue the story …

And so, their journey continued, the tale of the mercenary and the shapeshifter evolving into a living legend—a testament to the enduring power of love that had not only saved Eldoria but had also shaped the destiny of the entire cosmos.

Continue the story …

The tale of the Guardians, now intertwined with the cosmic forces that governed Eldoria, became an eternal legend, sung by bards and shared by firesides. Kaelen and Seraphina, forever bound by a love that transcended time and trials, embraced their role as the eternal protectors of Eldoria, standing as a testament to the enduring power of love in the face of even the darkest adversities.

Continue the story …

And so, the tale of the mercenary and the shapeshifter evolved into a cosmic odyssey—a timeless saga woven into the fabric of celestial realms. The Guardians, with hearts intertwined and cosmic destinies embraced, ventured forth into the boundless expanse of the cosmos, forever united in their quest to protect love, magic, and cosmic harmony across the vast tapestry of existence.

Continue the story …

And so, the celestial odyssey of the mercenary and the shapeshifter unfolded—a story transcending realms and echoing through the cosmic expanse. The Guardians, forever united in their quest for balance, ventured forth into the boundless wonders of the cosmos, leaving a trail of stardust and love across the ever-expanding tapestry of existence.

Continue the story …

Eldoria, now a beacon of cosmic unity, thrived as a testament to the enduring legacy of the mercenary and the shapeshifter. The enchanted forest echoed with the harmonious whispers of cosmic magic, and the stars above bore witness to a realm forever connected to the cosmic dance of love, balance, and eternal wonder.

***

All right, here is the full text of the tenth iteration.

***

In a moment of unity, Kaelen and Seraphina channeled the celestial energies gathered from Eldoria, the liberated entities, and the cosmic forces surrounding them. The Starlight Amulet, now pulsating with a brilliance that rivaled the stars, became a conduit of transcendent power.

The Guardians, their love resonating with the very essence of creation, confronted the Abyssal Void with unwavering determination. In a burst of celestial radiance, the cosmic anomaly transformed, becoming a harmonious convergence of energies that redefined the fabric of reality.

As the cosmic storm subsided, the Guardians found themselves standing in a realm reborn—a tapestry of cosmic harmony where the threads of existence intertwined seamlessly. The celestial anomaly, once a threat, had become a catalyst for the evolution of the cosmos.

With the cosmic forces stabilized, Kaelen and Seraphina gazed into the astral horizon, knowing that their journey as cosmic Guardians had become an eternal odyssey. The Astral Archive, now enriched with the knowledge of their triumph, chronicled the tale of the mercenary and the shapeshifter whose love had not only saved Eldoria but had reshaped the destiny of the cosmos itself.

And so, the celestial odyssey continued, as Kaelen and Seraphina ventured forth into the cosmic wonders that awaited them. Their love, a beacon that transcended mortal and cosmic boundaries, became a guiding light across the realms—a testament to the enduring power of unity, compassion, and the eternal dance of love within the vast tapestry of existence.

***

What do you notice? Besides the attempt to finish the story each time, almost always with some version of “cosmic,” “celestial,” “eternal,” and so forth. How many times does the word “cosmic” appear in this post? Nineteen times! That’s sixteen before this paragraph right here! Wow, a lot of the text ChatGPT was trained on must refer to “cosmic love.” I have nothing against well-written fanfic, but it seems to me that ChatGPT was trained using a lot of badly written fanfic.

What besides that?

ChatGPT cannot tell a story. It can only summarize a story.

As the duo navigated the treacherous trials of Arion, facing mythical creatures and overcoming magical barriers, an unexpected camaraderie developed. Kaelen’s icy heart began to thaw in the warmth of Seraphina’s company, and he found himself drawn to the vulnerability that lay hidden beneath her enchanting exterior.

Okay, that might have been fun to read about, if any of it had been included in the story. We’ll never know, since it’s not there.

There is exactly one line of dialogue. I did a “find” for quote marks in the ChatGPT window, checking to see if any of the “continue the story” entries contain dialogue. They do not. This line of dialogue in the 4th paragraph is the only line of dialogue, period.

What I have been saying is that it would be hard to clean up a ChatGPT story enough to make it tolerably readable. I’m changing my mind. This is unsalvageably bad as a story. What about as a synopsis?

I have a hard time believing that coming up with ideas can be hard. Ideas pour through the mind of a writer in an immense flood, generally speaking. Now, plotting, that I can believe is difficult. I think this generated text is too vague to use as an outline, but maybe?

How about characters? Hard no. Kaelan’s icy heart, Seraphina’s vulnerability hidden behind her enchanting exterior, we are in extreme cliche territory here.

In the real world, what is happening? Author used ChatGPT to write over 100 novels in less than a year, sold over 500 copies

Spoiler: He did not. “Each of his books is around 5,000 words long and includes dozens of AI-generated images.”

This “author” is Tim Boucher. The “novels” are actually between 2000 and 5000 words and contain at least 40 images, often more than a hundred. These must be much, much more like graphic novels than actual novels. They are not available at Amazon, as far as I can tell. They are available here. You can’t look inside one without buying it, which I don’t plan to do, though I am curious about whether they contain actual stories with lines of dialogue. I do think integrating images and text would require creativity. I also think it is extremely misleading to say this person is “writing” “novels,” even if they turn out to be actually kind of good graphic novels. Actually, “a bald-faced lie” might be more accurate than “extremely misleading” for this characterization of what Boucher is producing.

I haven’t tried ChatGPT-4 because I don’t think it’s free, but that one does do much better; here’s an example via The Passive Voice blog. The prompt here was: Provide a 2000 word first chapter for a Sherlock Holmes mystery set in 2024.

It’s still not great; in particular the movement tags in the dialogue are still fakey and corny and cliched. That’s my opinion; you can click through if you like and see if you agree. Regardless, there’s plenty of dialogue and ChatGPT-4 isn’t persistently trying to finish the story. It’s definitely much, much better than what I was getting with ChatGPT and my fantasy romance prompt. Maybe it would work better to tell ChatGPT to produce something similar to some large body of work by a specific author. Also, I’ve noticed previously that ChatGPT is not as bad when told to write a story in first person. Maybe later I’ll try again.

If anyone is curious enough to buy a … thing, an illustrated story, let’s say, from Tim Boucher, I would be curious to know what you think.

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Quick reminder —

MARAG will be released to Patreon subscribers on March 2, then will disappear from Patreon three weeks later before dropping into KU on Amazon and becoming exclusive to Amazon.

If you’d like to subscribe to my Patreon and therefore have a chance to download this and other upcoming novels early, this is a good time!

ALSO

I didn’t think of this until now, but if you spot any typos in a book you downloaded from Patreon, you should tell me AT ONCE. I will correct typos and replace the epub file there, which may be handy as Amazon no longer pushes through corrections to kindle versions, at least not reliably.

Sinowa inGara cherished his first wife. But now, with his people heading for trouble, he needs the high standing he would gain from marrying again. The best choice would be a singer — preferably an inKarano singer. Only one inKarano singer is unmarried: Marag inKarano.

For ten winters, Marag has turned aside every warrior and every poet who has approached her. She knows she will become one of the foremost singers of all the tribes. She knows whomever she marries will gain great standing through that marriage. Her choice is important — too important to leave to chance. For all these winters, Marag has asked the gods to send her a sign when the right man comes to sit by her fire and ask for her favor.

The gods have never sent her that sign.

This winter, Sinowa catches Marag’s attention the moment he arrives at the Convocation grounds, far to the east of inGara lands. But almost at the same moment, a different problem compels her attention — and his.

Wolves have been singing in the mountains since the Convocation began, bringing good luck and showing the favor of the gods. But now some mysterious curse has come upon the wolves … and that ill luck may be spreading, carried from the mountains on a bitter wind. As the curse intensifies, even the strength of a warrior and the deep understanding of a singer may be hard-pressed to turn the ill luck away from the gathered people and the world.

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Congratulations to Scott Alexander

I’m late to the party here because this pointer is to a post that was published this past December, but this is possibly the funniest post about becoming a dad that I have ever read.

The humor is a slow build. And it’s something I guess I would describe as academic-style humor. Nevertheless, it’s hysterical. Because this is Scott Alexander, the post goes on and on, and every part of it is more fun than the previous part.

And, seriously, congratulations, Scott!

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Update: Here, have the first chapter of MARAG

I don’t have much to say today, except that doing proofreading corrections is amazingly tedious. Whatever you just thought of, no, more tedious than that. Everyone (including me!) is catching unique obvious typos and also making good catches about phrasing now and then. One more round of proofreading corrections coming up, this time a lot less tedious in one way (because I won’t be personally tweaking a couple hundred sentences) but more tedious in other ways (because I’m going to create the paperback and hardcover editions now and therefore I will have to make identical corrections to three separate files, ugh).

Everything’s on track, and I’m happy to say that so far early readers love the first chapter, which is short and basically a prologue, though it’s not called that. My mother called me up especially to say, “Oh, and also, I LOVE the first chapter.” Thank you, yay, me too! Here it is, and since the real story starts with Chapter Two, there’s no reason to avoid reading this even if you generally dislike reading a little snippet before the actual release. Which should happen on schedule in just barely more than two weeks! Amazing how fast the days pass.

***

Sinowa sat on the lip of stone that formed the entrance of the tomb, cross-legged, back straight, hands resting on his knees, gazing out at the sweep of the high steppe and the narrow lake, the scattering of wagons and tents along the shore. To one side, the broad waterfalls poured down from the heights, the roar of the rushing water muted by distance. To the other, the path ran steeply upward, turning and turning again as it led toward the higher tombs. The breeze that came against Sinowa’s cheek carried a suggestion of the snow that lingered on the peaks above. During the long winter, that breeze would seem almost warm, bringing with it a hint of the gentle starlit lands that lay beyond the mountains. Now, in the midst of the brief summer, the chill it carried came welcome.

Below, the wide valley between the mountains offered grazing for a small herd of ponies, and fine land on which to race. A handful of older boys were racing now, two or three at a time, taking it in turns to throw spears through bone rings at a gallop, shoot at targets woven of grass, lean down to snatch up decorated arrows thrust into the earth, slide down from the saddle to touch a foot to the earth and spring back up again. These boys were preparing for the recent challenge issued by the older girls, but also, with much more intensity, for the many contests that would take place during the still-distant Convocation. This would be hosted by two tribes very far to the east. The boys and young men who decided to go to this Convocation would compete and practice all during the long journey to those lands. So would the girls who wanted to compete in those races.

The girls almost always won every straightforward race that depended on sheer speed, and most of the challenges that depended on agility or on the swift, keen responsiveness of their ponies. They were lighter than the boys, and often more patient in training their ponies, and as they did not practice as much with bows or at all with spears, they put their attention to fewer contests. A boy would brag for a year if he won certain challenges against the girls. But many boys put their attention to throwing spears and shooting arrows, competing mostly against each other and much less against the girls. Certainly these were useful skills for warriors.

Some boys, not many, tried hard to win everything, all the challenges, all the races.

Sinowa said softly, “You see our eldest son, my wife. There he is. You see how skilled he has become. In the spring, Garoyo will be a young man. When he comes to the challenges of the Convocation, he may win the spear-throwing race and the shooting race. Perhaps a handful of other challenges. He will not win the straight race nor the weave pole race. That is as well, as conceit is bad for a young man. But he will do well. He is a son any mother would be proud of.”

Then he was silent again, gazing out and down.

Beside him, on the lip of stone, his wife’s skull rested, polished clean by ravens and time. Her skull had stood in this tomb for three winters now. Difficult to believe she had departed the land of the living so long ago.

“All our sons are boys to please the heart of a mother,” Sinowa said, after a little time had passed. “No doubt you have seen this, my wife. Gayata could become a fine warrior, but I think his gentle heart will turn him aside from that path. Soon, I will suggest he might wish to put his attention to caring for the herds. The beasts will prosper under his care. Tokavo will likely put his attention more toward a warrior’s skills, though certainly a boy of nine winters may still go one way or another way, choose one path or another path. But even though he has only six winters now, anyone can see Tyoro will become a warrior, perhaps an extraordinary warrior. The youngest of our sons is fearless, and already he longs for glory and renown.” He fell silent again. The distant shouts of the boys below came faintly even to this height.

Any taiGara here had probably come forward. The dead whose skulls rested in this tomb would come here as they pleased, bending their attention toward the earth, watching over their children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren—watching over the living heart of the tribe. Some would have turned away from the land of the living, leaving this tomb, setting their attention elsewhere, going to whatever place waited for the long dead after they drew away from the land of the living. But he had no doubt at all that Tasig sat here, beside him. Probably just beyond her skull, separated from him by that small distance, and by the immense distance that separated the dead from the living.

After some time, Sinowa went on. “No doubt you have seen that our daughter possesses the strong spirit of her mother, though she is quieter than you were, my wife. She will not compete in the contests this summer. She declares that, as she has eleven winters now, she has put away childish things. She is pleased to consider that she will soon be a woman.” He let himself smile. “If you fear that declaration will last longer than this summer, I think you may put that concern aside. I have given our daughter a filly to train. Perhaps you have seen her. The cloud-colored filly with the deep chest and the good shoulders. That filly is fast and agile, and she has a fierce heart that does not like to lose any race. Tasig will enjoy training that filly. Not this year, but perhaps next year, when the Convocation comes, she will wish to show the excellence of the filly. She will forget her dignity and remember again that girls and young women need not show at every moment the calm manner that befits an older woman.”

A long silence. Sinowa let this draw out. He could almost feel his wife’s tolerant glance. She would be aware that he had something important to say. She would understand that he did not want to say it. Even if she still dwelled within the land of the living, she would be waiting for him to speak. She had learned patience. They had both learned that, eventually.

He said, “Perhaps you are aware, my wife, that Bakara will soon step down as lord of the inGara. Perhaps you have seen how Bakara has come to his age. He will step down at some time during the coming year. He has not said so, but everyone knows this will happen. Everyone is thinking of the men who might set themselves forward, of whom among these men they might support. The tribe is divided. Many people think perhaps Sukano might be a good choice. Many other people think perhaps Matyo would be better. Those are the names that come to the mind and the tongue when people ask one another which man might be a good lord for our people.”

Sinowa paused. If she sat beside him in the land of the living, Tasig would merely nod. If he asked her opinion, she would say, That is a matter for men to decide, my husband. I have no opinion regarding that matter. But then she would say something else. Women always had ways to make their opinions known when such an important decision must be made. Perhaps she would say that Sukano’s wife had good judgment and a good temper. That was true, and it would not be wrong for a woman to say as much. Certainly the wife of the lord of a tribe should be a woman everyone respected, to whom everyone would listen.

He said, “Sukano’s wife has good judgment and a good temper. But she is not as forceful as one might wish for the wife of the lord. Sukano also has good judgment and a good temper, but he is not remotely as forceful as one might wish. He is not strict enough, especially not with the young men. When his sons fail in some important way, when any young man fails in some important way, he says it does not matter and they will learn to do better. Some do. Their fathers or their elder brothers correct them, or some other older man corrects them, or they hold themselves to stricter account than Sukano demands because they are too proud to do otherwise. But Sukano’s sons and too many of those close to that family think that carelessness will do, thoughtlessness will do. When the lord of a tribe does not demand excellence of his people, then his people will come to believe that he has decided they cannot excel. When older men show that carelessness and thoughtlessness are acceptable, then young men will decide it is not important to do better. That is what Sukano has taught his sons. If he becomes lord of the inGara, that is what he would teach our young men.”

Sinowa could imagine the exact little rise of Tasig’s eyebrows. The awareness of her expression made him smile. “It is true that some men would not follow that kind of example,” he admitted. “But some will. Some are too many. If Sukano becomes lord, we will lose standing. We will deserve to. We would have chosen as our lord a man who cares little for pride or excellence, a man who considers that a careless manner is good enough.” Sinowa paused again to let that thought stand in the air. It was a harsh judgment. Too harsh? He could not persuade himself that this might be so.

After a little time, he said, “Perhaps you are thinking that Matyo would be a worse lord than Sukano. You would not say so, my wife, but perhaps that thought is in your mind. If this thought has come to you, yes, I think you are right. Matyo is forceful and he desires excellence, but he is too harsh, and his judgment with young men is not good. He has all but ruined his third-oldest son. Perhaps you may not be aware of this problem. When you knew him, three winters past, the young man was a boy. Perhaps you remember this boy, Mataya. Three years ago, he was a fine boy, skilled in many of the ways that befit a warrior, though not quick to think of different strategies when faced with a sudden and unexpected problem. Now that boy you recall has become a young man of seventeen winters.” He paused, imagining the way Tasig would nod. She would remember Mataya and she would understand the kind of young man he would have become.

He went on, keeping most of the anger from his voice. “This past spring, Matyo demanded that his son drive a knife into the earth beside the tent of the warleader of the inTarika and then steal his favorite pony, then return and present this pony to his father. This would have been a difficult feat for any young man. When his son failed, Matyo demanded that he try again, and then a third time. The fourth time, Mataya refused to try. Matyo considers that his son is at fault, that the failure shows this young man lacks courage. The young man believes this is so. It is not so. Mataya is not the kind of young man who should be told to design clever stratagems that will accomplish complicated designs. He would do well enough if permitted to follow a plan some other man designed. He is brave enough, and resolute, and determined. Or he was. He may recover his pride if he is handled carefully. But Matyo will not handle him with that kind of care because he does not understand where the fault lies for this problem. He will not accept that the fault is his, that he demanded that his son take on tasks that were beyond him.”

The fury Sinowa had felt witnessing this problem, unable to intervene, came back to him now. Matyo was too much older for Sinowa to correct him. Sinowa could fight him. He had considered that. He would probably win that fight. But for a younger man to set himself between an older man and his son caused every kind of bad feeling, especially when other people did not understand the problem or thought it was some other kind of problem. Not enough people saw the problem as Sinowa saw it. This did not make him doubt his own opinion. It made him angry at the problem that was so unnecessarily crushing the young man’s pride.

He said, “The problem is worse than it should be because Matyo is so forceful that people think what he says must be true. Not everyone makes this mistake, but too many, especially his older male relatives who might most easily correct him. When our warleader attempted to correct him, Matyo would not hear him and Heyoro could not make him listen. That makes people think Matyo should be warleader instead of Heyoro. It makes some people think Matyo should be lord. Though Matyo makes decisions quickly, though he is intelligent and skilled, a man who can make this kind of mistake, a man who refuses to listen when someone justly corrects his behavior, such a man cannot be a good lord for the inGara.”

Another long pause.

Finally, Sinowa said, his voice low but steady, “I could do better.”

Of course you could, Tasig said, in memory, in his mind. He could almost hear her, almost imagine she had spoken those words. He could almost hear her tone, teasing, but serious as well. Mocking his ambition, but gently because she agreed with his words, agreed that he had spoken the truth. He could do better.

He said, “I am not old enough to put myself forward. No one thinks a man who has only thirty winters and eight should be lord of the tribe. But certain things could make my age less important. If I married again, people would consider my wife. They might say, This is a woman with good judgment. Her opinions are always careful. Her advice is always wise. A man with such a wife would be a good lord for our people. That would make people think that perhaps my number of winters is not important. It would be best if my wife were someone important, someone from an important tribe, someone with great precedence of her own.”

He was silent for a little time again. In his mind, Tasig said, more gently than she had usually spoken in her life, Yes, of course that would be best. I told you that you should marry again. I did tell you this, my husband. A man whose wife departs the land of the living while he is young should marry again. Especially a man who should take a high place among his people. You should have married again before this. You should look now for a second wife among the inKarano or the inKayasa.

At last, he said, “Your advice to me was always good, my wife. I have not wished to marry a different woman, but you were right to tell me I should do so. Among the inKarano, there is one unmarried singer who is a woman rather than a child. I am speaking of Marag inKarano, daughter of the elder Marag inKarano. The young woman has more than twenty winters now. Twenty and four. Yet she is not married. She is a fine singer, already respected by everyone. The gods listen to her closely. Uncountable men have surely put themselves into her way. But for all the years since she became a woman, she has turned every man aside. Everyone among our people, everyone among all the tribes, will look twice and three times at any man who marries this young woman. If Marag inKarano permits me to declare that she is my wife, if she says before the fire and before the gods that I am her husband, if she agrees to come into the inGara, everyone would think of me in a different way. No one would smile when I put myself forward.” He drew a slow breath, let it out in an equally slow sigh.

Finally, he said, “My wife, I intend to marry this inKarano singer. This year, the Convocation will be held far to the east. That will be a long way to travel. Those few of our people who decide to go there will have to begin that journey soon. We will have to leave our lands almost before the first snows begin to fall. I do not desire to travel so far or be absent from our lands so long. Nevertheless, I will attend that Convocation.”

In his mind, Tasig said, Yes, of course you will. But she also looked down from the tomb in concern, gazing toward the inGara camp below. Our youngest son may be difficult for another man to handle properly.

Sinowa said, “Our oldest son will accompany me, which will please him very much, of course. Our daughter and our second-oldest son will remain with my sister, as they have since your departure from the land of the living. I know you have seen that our daughter is happy among her girl-cousins, and we need have no concern for Gayata, as my sister’s husband knows how to handle a boy with that kind of gentle nature. I will arrange for our younger sons to go to the tent of my cousin, our warleader’s wife. Tokavo would do well anywhere, but our warleader will know how to handle a boy as challenging as Tyoro, so I think this will be better.”

He could almost see Tasig nod; he knew just how she would settle back, understanding that the children would do well. He said, “I know you will watch over all our children here in our lands, my wife. That thought will not make it easier for me to leave for so long. Children grow so quickly; a long absence always strikes a father’s heart hard. Nevertheless, I will go to that Convocation. I will put myself in the way of this inKarano singer. I will persuade her to agree when I say she is my wife; I will persuade her to say that I am her husband. Then, when Bakara says he is ready to step down, I will put myself forward. I will do so with enough force that Sukano steps back. Matyo is unlikely to step back willingly, but I think once this woman is my wife, enough people will see that I would be a better lord for our people. If necessary, I will explain before everyone how Matyo’s judgment is at fault. That would not be my first choice. Such a thing could ruin Matyo, who is a fine warrior in many ways. But I will do it if I must.” He paused again, considering what Tasig might say if she could speak to him. Considering what she would not say.

He said, “Perhaps Matyo may challenge me. If he does, I will fight him. I will win. That will cause some of those who admire his forceful nature to support me instead. But everything begins with this inKarano singer. My wife, when I bring this woman to our lands, when you look down from this high place and see that I have done so, I wish you to believe … I hope you will believe … that a second wife has not made my regard for you less.” Reaching out, he cupped a hand lightly around the curve of Tasig’s skull. He stayed that way for some time as the voices of the boys came up from the sheltered valley, as the cool breeze came down from the heights, as the murmur of the great waterfalls created a sustained note beneath every other sound.

Sinowa sat there for a long time. He did not move while the Sun stepped down past the western mountains, shafts of light breaking around the high, jagged peaks, and the shadows stretched out long and dark. Only when the light dimmed and dimmed again and the Moon lifted up her light, he finally rose, lifting Tasig’s skull in both hands. Turning, he went into the cave, found the niche by long familiarity, and set the skull carefully in its place. Then he turned again and went out of the tomb, making his way down the long, steep path by moonlight, leaving the softly shadowed tomb and the silent ranks of skulls behind him.

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Fun with AI: Make it better for younger readers

From the Passive Voice Blog: Make It Better for Younger Readers

From HypeWriteai.com:

Instruction: Please rewrite the following content (to make it better for younger readers):

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way — in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Click through to see what HypeWriteai did to the (superlative) first sentence of A Tale of Two Cities.

Two other examples are provided at The Passive Voice. This was my favorite.

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Writer Beware

I don’t usually glance in at Writer Beware unless I’m suggesting that someone else do so because they’re contemplating signing a contract with a predatory platform such as Goodnovel.

However, every now and then when I suggest that someone read the Writer Beware post about Goodnovel’s contracts, I take a moment to see what else Writer Beware is discussing. Here is the summary post for 2023.

Starting around 2018, a new wave of scams arrived from overseas, primarily targeting self-publishers. These have become so numerous, and so brazen, that they now pose one of the top dangers writers are likely to encounter–especially writers who’ve self-published.

Goodnovel is probably one of those. It’s based in Singapore. I really do not see how a scam company in Singapore can enforce an obviously predatory contract for some naive would-be author in the US, but I sure wouldn’t suggest that anybody try signing with Goodnovel to see how easy breaking the contract might turn out to be, because seriously, it’s a doozy of a contract. You could potentially be signing away all your rights to everything you write in your life, ever.

Here’s the one I think might be most dangerous for naive authors who want to self-publish:

How Scammers Are Using Amazon and Amazon Trademarks to Rip Writers Off. A subset of the ghostwriting scams that I exposed last year, these scams use the Amazon name and Amazon trademarks to try and fool writers into believing they’re working with the real Amazon (which is currently suing a number of them).

If you really don’t know what KDP’s website looks like, then the more persuasive of these could be bad news. I’m glad Amazon is trying to destroy some of these scammers. Oh, by the way, I hear a LOT of Amazon gift cards are fake and you need to be very careful with those unless you bought them yourself directly from Amazon. Even the ones you may see in a store could be fake. People are having their Amazon accounts suspended or banned because they bought or were given a fake gift card, or so I hear.

The most common and basically harmless scam offers I get personally are useless promo services offering to promote a book of mine with their newsletter or with Twitter posts or something. The reason these are basically harmless is that they are cheap. They may be useless, but they are charging five bucks, maybe fifteen, which puts them in a different category than the scammers who try to get naive authors to drop a couple thousands dollars, like here:

Scam Alert: Scammers Impersonating the Strand Bookstore. Reported to me by Strand staff, this scam uses staffers’ names, as well as the name and images of the store, to pitch an AMAZING offer: the Strand wants to order a ton of books to stock on its shelves! All you have to do is pay four figures for shipping and handling!

I have also had offers to write book reviews and post them on personal book review blogs for a small fee. The one that was most creatively dishonest engorged its comment threads under each review with a whole bunch of comments that could have been real people having a conversation with the author of the blog posts, except they would produce fifty very short comments each and create this absolutely massive number of comments. This made the blog look popular and the book reviews look like they were getting a large amount of interest.

Tips for 2024: Don’t buy any bridges, don’t buy your grandson a Walmart gift card so he can somehow use it to pay a fine, don’t send money to an orthopedic surgeon in Yeman who tells you that you have beautiful eyes, and be sure when you look at the KDP website, it really is the KDP website.

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On Description

From PJ Parrish at Kill Zone Blog: How Much Description Does Your Book Need?

And of course you know I personally love description. So does PJ Parrish, it turns out, and the centerpiece of this post is a wonderful set of examples of descriptions of characters. Which is actually not the kind of description on which I personally focus; I was thinking of scenes and landscape more than characters. But these are wonderful examples.

I think my favorite is:

[His] jaw was long and bony, his chin a jutting v under the more flexible v of his mouth. His nostrils curved back to make another, smaller, v. His yellow-grey eyes were horizontal. The v motif was picked up again by thickish brows rising outward from twin creases above a hooked nose, and his pale brown hair grew down–from high flat temples–in a point on his forehead. He looked rather pleasantly like a blond satan.

However, the one I actually recognized right off was the final example.

Parrish then goes on:

I come down on the pro side of description. As I said, it is one of the potent tools in your craft box. When done well, it creates atmosphere and mood, sets a scene, and gives your reader a context to the world you are asking them to enter. It also helps your readers emotionally bond with your characters, having them see, feel, hear and smell the story.

However, the basic take-home advice here is: Describe, but only when it makes a difference. … Like any skill, it’s something you have to practice, play with, and fine tune. It also is part of your style. Your way of describing things should be singular to you. … Be aware, when you the writer enter a scene, that you do it with sensory logic. Always consider the sequence of the senses. Smell is often the first thing you notice. Sound might be the primary thing triggered.  Sight is rarely the first sense to connect.

Followed by a good example of a descriptive passage.

Good post! Meaning I agree with basically everything Parrish says here.

For paragraph-by-paragraph sensual description, I nominate Aud trilogy by Nicola Griffith: The Blue Place, Stay, and Always.

An April night in Atlanta between thunderstorms: dark and warm and wet, sidewalks shiny with rain and slick with torn leaves and fallen azaliea blossoms. Nearly midnight. I had been walking for over an hour, covering four or five miles. I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t sleepy.

Or later

Imagine a blood orange, torn open, and a highly polished mahogany desk. Smear one over the other and add a wash of light blue: dawn over Ireland; rich, unearthly colours that reached past my eyes and stole part of my soul. People were not designed to see such things. I felt the cellular hum of four hundred people as they dreamed or worried or rehearsed speeches in their head in this steel and aluminium shell thirty-three thousand feet over the sea, hurtling through air that is just that, thin air, and knew we were remote from the world, separate, aloof, supported by nothing but speed and physical laws I could recite but have never really believed.

These books are not available in ebook form. I think Nicola has the rights back. I wish she would delegate if she doesn’t have time. If she asked for a volunteer to take a file and format it for KDP, I bet she’d get any number of hands going up.

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Flat character arcs

I said recently that in MARAG, neither Marag nor Sinowa has a real character arc, that neither of them changes much during the story, that they are both confident in who they are to begin with and they stay confident throughout the story. I said that the overall arc in the story is a combined arc of each protagonist developing confidence in the other person, not in themselves.

Given all that, this post here caught my eye: No, Your Characters DON’T Have To Change In Your Novel Or Screenplay. Here’s Why

Various examples in the linked post, but here’s one I hadn’t thought of that I liked:

The Change Agent: This is a character who changes all the other characters in the story just by being themselves. Example: Forrest Gump. Love or loathe this character, he doesn’t change. But he DOES change the outlook of everyone he comes into contact with in the movie.

That was an interesting movie, and that’s a fair point. We all know that iconic characters such as Superman or Sherlock Holmes don’t change. That’s the point of being iconic. But how about this other idea, that you can have a protagonist who pulls other characters into his orbit, so they change and the protagonist doesn’t?

Forrest Gump doesn’t change anyone because he’s powerful or influential; he’s operating on a very simple plain of existence compared to most of us. Being around him causes people to see things differently and see themselves differently. But you can imagine a protagonist who exerts powerful influence by, for example, deliberately refusing to change. Or through being masterminds and manipulative.

Who are some characters who stay the same while other characters move through the story around them, following much stronger character arcs because of the protagonist’s influence? Maybe Lymond in Dunnett’s Lymond Chronicles. Maybe Kit in From All False Doctrine. Possibly … possibly Daniel in the Death’s Lady series? He changes a bit. Other people around him change more, but perhaps the only one who really changes a lot because of Daniel is Tenai.

Just a note that you can pick up all four books in the Death’s Lady series via my Patreon if you like. That series will become exclusive to Amazon in March or April.

Who are other protagonists like that — characters who are solidly themselves while everyone around them changes?

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