Tristan Taormino's Blog, page 19

Feminist Porn Makes it into Cosmo

Cosmopolitan magazine did a Q&A with me on the topic of feminist porn. I’m excited that the ideas of the movement are finally making their way into mainstream media. Here’s a quote from the interview:

I have no interest in policing or judging anyone’s desires, fantasies, and porn preferences, and I know that plenty of women have fantasies of dominance and submission. Images of dominance and submission are not anti-feminist in and of themselves, but one of the reasons feminists critique them is because consent is not always explicit and because of the repetition of men dominating women, making it the main type of power exchange we see in a lot of mainstream pornography. I think there is a stereotype that women want kinder, gentler, more romantic porn; some women do, but not all women. Feminist pornographers don’t want to do away with sexual power dynamics; many of us want to explore them in an explicitly consensual and more diverse, nuanced, non-stereotypical way.

Read more: What Is Feminist Porn – Tristan Taormino Interview – Cosmopolitan

 

 

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This post, Feminist Porn Makes it into Cosmo originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 28, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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Ask Tristan: Does BDSM Desensitize You?

Madison Young as a pony girl on the set of Rough Sex 2

Last month, I gave a talk as part of an evening called The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey at University of Maryland in College Park. There was a lively audience discussion, and we gave students the opportunity to ask questions anonymously. I asked several of my colleagues to chime in and answer a few of those questions.

Can it be hard to enjoy “vanilla” sex once you’ve escalated [to BDSM]? I’ve heard porn indulgence can desensitize people until they keep needing to escalate–is this the case with BDSM?



I asked my friend and colleague Felice Shays, a sex and BDSM educator, to take this one on. Listen to my fantastic interview with her on Sex Out Loud here. Felice says:

So, you are afraid to try things other than missionary positions, kissing, and other sexy acts because pot always leads to crack? And spanking always leads to bestiality? No, friend, don’t worry about escalation, as you call it. When you try out different things you’re figuring out what you like. Keep experimenting—add to what you and your partner enjoy; keep what works and don’t keep what doesn’t feel so good. But don’t be afraid to try something again down the road—what may feel eh today might feel off the charts next week. Watching lots of porn isn’t a bad thing unless it interferes in the healthy functioning of someone’s life (see Hernando Chaves’ discussion of sex addiction). People don’t get desensitized when watching lots of porn, hopefully they keep getting turned on. Their interests might shift over time, so what may have been a fantasy last month, may not be as hot this month. And yet other people love to watch the same kind of images throughout their lives. The good news is that sex is not like a runaway car, careening down a side of a mountain into the tiny town about to destroy the innocent townsfolk who live there. No. Instead, you get to make decisions about what you want, and when you want it. That includes if you want to gently kiss someone on their neck or press your teeth in a firm way against that flesh. Or if you want to be on top or you want to give or get it from behind. The other good news, is that no one gets to hold the truth to what vanilla or kink actually is. I can hear you say, “You know what I mean. Like spanking and dirty talk and like that.” And I say, what is someone’s “vanilla” may be someone else’s ‘you’ve gone a bit too far, pal’.  And vice versa. My friend says she and her husband are vanilla, yet he holds the back of her head as she’s sucking him off. He’s not forcing her or choking her, just getting off on how pretty she is, how good he feels, his hand in her hair, his cock in her mouth. And she loves it too; feeling just the right amount of pressure on the back of her head that makes her feel high and hot.

That’s playing with power right there. And they consider themselves vanilla—not kinky.

So I can’t tell you what vanilla is. And frankly, I don’t really give’s a rat’s ass. I want you happy and turned on, not bored.

It’s about what turns you on and what your desires are.

Desire, like other tastes, change and morph as we gain experience in the world.  And just because you love pizza, doesn’t mean you want to eat it every night.

Worry less and EXPLORE and EXPERIMENT more.

So when you add new ways of being sexy and sexual to getting it on, you might want to keep those new ways—plus any of the other ways you used to—whatever make you happy. And you probably won’t want to make love or fuck exactly the same way every time either. Mood, partner, time of day, if you’re high or drunk, all these things will affect what you want.

So if you try slapping someone’s face and realize you both really like it, the doors to vanilla are still yours to walk through. Cuddling, sex without an edge or ferocity, are still yours whenever you want it.

Keep open and curious—and don’t let fear run your sex, or your life, for that matter.

You are allowed to experiment explore and discover what you like.

ADD to your sexual vocabulary, don’t limit it.

Just think of the stories you will tell with all that new language.

It’s worth repeating: Worry less and EXPLORE more.

—Felice Shays, Sex and BDSM Educator. Follow Felice on Twitter @FeliceShays

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This post, Ask Tristan: Does BDSM Desensitize You? originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 24, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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Ask Tristan: Can BDSM Be Addictive?

Sinnamon Love and Orpheus Black from Rough Sex 2

Last month, I gave a talk as part of an evening called The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey at University of Maryland in College Park. There was a lively audience discussion, and we gave students the opportunity to ask questions anonymously. I asked several of my colleagues to chime in and answer a few of those questions.

Can BDSM be addictive?

I asked my colleague Dr. Hernando Chaves to respond to this one. He says:

I’m not in favor of the addiction term being used with any sexual expression for a number of reasons. It can promote the use of pejorative sex negative terminology, the creation and/or reinforcement of negative sexual identity, alleviate responsibility of choices and actions, and the inability of professionals to agree on an accurate definition of sexual addiction or testing measures as well as limited, controversial data and evidence supporting sexual addiction makes this a difficult concept to support. With so much uncertainty, it’s more harmful than helpful to attribute addiction to unique sexual expression.

That being said, I understand some people use their sexual expression in a manner that is out of control, compulsive, or as a way to cope with difficulties and unresolved issues in their lives. For most, sexual expression is an enhancer to pleasure and happiness. For some, their sexual expression is linked to pain and suffering, but not the good kind of pain and suffering that many in the BDSM community understand can be central to arousal, pleasure, and enjoyment. The untrained outside observer may see pain and suffering, even label it as abusive, and deem these sexual behaviors as problematic, symptomatic, and related to a disorder. They may miss the importance of consent and may not be able to differentiate the intent as coming from a place of empowerment, intimacy, satisfaction, or mutual pleasure.

Can BDSM, like food, gambling, Facebook, and video games, be misused to where it can become a problem? I would argue that BDSM cannot be addictive, but anything can become problematic if misused. It’s possible that a person can become reliant on what BDSM may bring to them; the dopamine, adrenaline, and endorphin rush, the attention from partners and peers, the way it makes them feel and the impact on their self-esteem and self-worth, and the avoidance of stressors or problems. But can this be addictive? Who decides if this is addiction, mental health professionals or doctors?

I believe it’s more important to focus on what the impact may be on the individual and the subjective distress they identify that is problematic rather than focusing on the behaviors a person engages in or how often. Each person is different and so is their response and reactions to play. So when someone comes along and says that BDSM play is addictive, ask them to accurately define kink addiction, ask for empirical evidence to support their perspective, and be skeptical.

—Hernando Chaves, M.F.T., D.H.S., Licensed CA Marriage and Family Therapist, Doctor of Human Sexuality, and Human Sexuality Professor. Follow Dr. Chaves on Twitter @Hernando_Chaves

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This post, Ask Tristan: Can BDSM Be Addictive? originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 24, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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Ask Tristan: The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey

Mark Davis, Chayse Evans & Adrianna Nicole from Rough Sex 2

Last month, I gave a talk as part of an evening called The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey at University of Maryland in College Park. There was a lively audience discussion, and we gave students the opportunity to ask questions anonymously. Here are those questions with my responses. Note: I asked several of my colleagues to chime in and answer a few of the questions. Because several of them inspired longer answers, I will post those separately under Ask Tristan.

What is caning?



I’m going to quote an expert, Lolita Wolf, from her chapter, “Making an Impact: Spanking, Caning, and Flogging” in The Ultimate Guide to Kink:

Caning was traditional for severe punishment in the Victorian era and in the British school system, so canes can be the center of some great role play opportunities. Because of their perceived severity, canes have developed a reputation as the “scariest” of all BDSM impact toys, but a caning can be light and sensuous or heavy and painful—it’s all about how you wield the cane… Traditional canes are made of rattan, not bamboo or wood, and should be able to bend significantly.

Are there any races/ethnicities/religious groups that are members of the BDSM community?

People of all races and ethnicities practice BSDM, although some people of color have critiqued kink communities for being overwhelmingly white. Mollena Williams writes eloquently and teaches about the challenges of being a person of color in the BDSM community. There are some organizations and groups that cater specifically to kinky people of color including Poly Patao Productions and BlackBEAT.

Does the BDSM community have a higher percentage of LGBT people than mainstream sex?

People who practice BDSM comes from all walks of life and represent a diverse sampling in terms of gender, race, ethnicity, class, age, ability, and sexual orientation. LGBT people have varied sex lives, just as heterosexuals do; some are kinky, some aren’t, and some fall in between.

Do BDSM people date and marry, or just hook up?

BDSM folks are like everyone else in with regards to their sexual, romantic, and emotional relationships: they hook up, they date, they marry, they divorce, they have kids. In my research for my book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, I found that there was a lot if overlap between BDSM communities and non-monogamous communities, so I think it might be that a higher percentage of BDSM people practice some form of consensual, ethical non-monogamy than the general population.

Has BDSM been shown to lower divorce rates?

There is limited research about BDSM and the people who practice it. There is no data that I know of that correlates BDSM with lower divorce rates. What I can tell you from personal experience is that many kinky folks have open, expansive views on sex, pleasure, relationships, and love plus above-average communication skills, and those elements can all contribute to the success of a marriage or relationship.

In the book Fifty Shades of Grey, when Christian and Anastasia communicate on a daily basis, Christian is always in charge. Do BDSM couples talk like that normally?

It depends. Some people adopt the roles of dominant and submissive during a scene (a scene is when people practice BDSM), but once the scene is done, they interact without those roles. Others may stay in role for a weekend. In those cases, when they are in role, the dominant takes charge and dictates how things go. Some people have dominant/submissive relationships where the power dynamic is always (or almost always) present. In all cases, as part of the negotiation process, dominants and submissives may agree to certain rules or protocols which dictate behavior. One such protocol could be that the dominant is in charge of what the submissive wears or the dominant decides what they eat for dinner. Another protocol could be that the submissive has to ask permission before speaking or always use an honorific when speaking to the dominant, like Sir. Protocols vary wildly, are particular to the people involved, and make sense to them; they are meant to represent and reinforce the power dynamic.

Is there a book or books that are more accurate to the BDSM community than Fifty Shades of Grey?

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and The Erotic Edge, 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating The Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns, as well as books by Jack Rinella, Lee Harrington, and Midori.

How do you find kink friendly professionals like doctors or therapists?

There are two great resources I recommend: Kink Aware Professionals and The Open List.

Is rape performed by BDSM people?



The word “performed” threw me a little because my interpretation of that word could lead me down two very different roads. On the one hand, are you asking, “Do BDSM people act out consensual rape fantasies?” The answer is yes, and a stellar resource all about those kinds of fantasies is Mollena Williams who wrote the chapter “Digging in the Dirt: The Lure of Taboo Role Play” in in The Ultimate Guide to Kink. But the other interpretation is, “Do BDSM people commit rape?” Unfortunately, the answer to that question is also yes. While the vast majority of folks who practice BDSM consider consent the cornerstone of their kink, that doesn’t mean that every kinky person is immune from sexual coercion, trauma, abuse, and violence. These things are still far too common in our society. For an excellent discussion about consent, sexual assault, and BDSM, I recommend Thomas’ series of posts on the blog Yes Means Yes.

Can BDSM be addictive?

This question inspires a longer response, so it has its own post here by therapist Dr. Hernando Chaves.

Can it be hard to enjoy “vanilla” sex once you’ve escalated [to BDSM]? I’ve heard porn indulgence can desensitize people until they keep needing to escalate–is this the case with BDSM?

For this one, I asked my friend BDSM educator Felice Shays, and here is her response.

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This post, Ask Tristan: The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 24, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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Anal Advisor: Curious But Concerned

My girlfriend and I have just begun talking about engaging in anal sex. Both of us are curious but have concerns. We are concerned about safety. We are worried about her ass being torn inside in some way. Can that happen?

–Curious But Concerned

The anus, anal canal and rectum are incredibly sensitive and are made up of very delicate tissue, so your concern is absolutely warranted. As long as you go very slowly, do lots of warm up, and use plenty of lube, it should feel comfortable and pleasurable for your girlfriend. If she feels any pain, you need to slow down or stop altogether. If you are patient and careful, you should not cause any tearing. However, because the area is so delicate, sometimes, you may cause a tiny tear without even knowing it. For example, afterwards, when she goes to the bathroom, there may be a little bit of blood on the tissue signaling a slight cut. She may not feel any pain or discomfort at all. If that does happen, don’t be alarmed. The body should heal itself and all should be back to normal within twenty-four hours.

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This post, Anal Advisor: Curious But Concerned originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 22, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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May 24: Ducky Doolittle talks Sex With the Lights On, plus Sportsheets and Aneros on Innovative Bondage and Sex Toys

This Friday at 8 pm ET / 5 pm PT on Sex Out Loud we feature sex educator and author Ducky Doolittle, interviewed live at CatalystCon. Over the years Ducky has used her writing and sense of humor to pursue her deep lust for knowledge and understanding in regard to sexuality, class, race, gender, culture, compassion and human rights. She’ll talk about her blog, Lipstick Stains on Your Pillow, and how her counseling experiences has informed her work as an sex educator. Then, we have Malay Vannouvong from ANEROS discussing how she came to work for the company that transformed the manufacturing of prostate stimulators, and Tom Stewart, the founder and CEO of Sportsheets, who will discuss how his products have broken out of the dungeon to great sales success, mainstream media attention, and numerous industry and mainstream awards.

Ducky Doolittle is the author of Sex With The Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered. She has spent the last two decades working in the field of sexuality. She is a certified emergency room Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention Counselor and has trained with Planned Parenthood in comprehensive STD prevention and comprehensive & medically accurate sex education. Ducky tours internationally, performing on campuses, medical schools, bachelorette parties, homeless youth drop-in centers, book clubs, church groups, sex shops and anywhere else she can gather a crowd. She has appeared on HBOs Real Sex, The Morning Show, MTV, NPR, The Howard Stern Show, and Playboy TV… to name a few. Ducky’s unabashed openness about her life developed into a successful career as a journalist and advice columnist.

Tom Stewart, Founder and CEO of Sportsheets International, Inc., created the Sportsheet, the “Velcro” Bondage Bedsheet, while serving as a helicopter pilot in the Marines in the late 1980’s. Tom banked on this unique idea for a never-before-made product, unknowingly, on the cusp of the adult novelty industry explosion. Inspired by an episode of the David Letterman Show, he developed a product that would allow you to restrain your partner with safe and easy-to-use Velcro. A key selling point on the Sportsheet is that “you’re only as tied us as you want to be,” which makes the product very alluring to women. Over the last two decades Tom continued to build his company on the fantasy bondage concept, developing more than 500 different products for curious couples.

Malay Vannouvong has been a part of the ANEROS team for almost 5 years. Fresh out of the Univ. of Houston in 2008, Aneros gave her her first real job and she was appointed Dir. of Client Relations at the end of 2012. What started off as a cool option, an alternative to a cubicle within a restrictive corporate setting, has quickly transformed into a passion. ANEROS is the home of products scientifically designed for sexual wellness and pleasure. Backed by years of testimonials from happy customers, and great reviews on the radio, books, magazines, and the web, ANEROS has established itself as the ultimate source for sexual fulfillment.

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This post, May 24: Ducky Doolittle talks Sex With the Lights On, plus Sportsheets and Aneros on Innovative Bondage and Sex Toys originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 21, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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Bitch Magazine podcast, talking kink at University of Maryland, and more

Bitch Magazine’s podcast is back! And I’m on the first episode of the relaunch, talking open relationships, you can listen here.


After my appearance at University of Maryland, The Diamondback did a great write-up:

The BDSM culture is not only applicable to kinky people, Taormino said, as some of the principles of consent and communication could be readily applied to “vanilla,” or nonkinky, relationships. Any couple looking to improve their sexual relationship could do so by putting these ideas into practice, she said.

Read it all here: Students talk BDSM in Fifty Shades of Grey dialogues

DatingAdvice.com recently named me one of the year’s “10 Best Sex and Dating Experts“! Thanks, DatingAdvice.com!


…and The Ultimate Guide to Kink got an honorable mention at the National Leather Association: International Awards for best non-fiction book! And congrats to winners Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington (who are also contributors to the Ultimate Guide to Kink).

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This post, Bitch Magazine podcast, talking kink at University of Maryland, and more originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 21, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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Anal Advisor: Side Seeker

My lover and I would like to experience pleasurable anal intercourse. The only previous experience I had was a painful 5 seconds, 10 years ago, when my ex-girlfriend and I hadn’t the least notion of what we were doing. Since then I’ve read several reputable sources on the subject including your book and the work of Dr. Jack Morin, and I seem to recall some advice regarding facilitation of penetration. I remember reading a recommendation somewhere that the person receiving the penis or dildo, lie on a certain side of their body in order to more easily allow for the natural curve in the sigmoid colon, where it’s attached to the rectum. Was this simply my imagination playing tricks on me? Am I getting this confused with stuff I read right before I had my first digital rectal exam and a colonoscopy? Or is there in fact a “correct” side to be lying on?

–Side Seeker

On the instructions that come with a store bought enema, one recommendation for a comfortable position (sometimes called the “Simms Position”) to give yourself an enema is to lie on your left side and bend your right leg toward your chest. This position allows easy access to the anus, keeps the weight off your abdomen, and allows the enema solution to flow easily into the colon. Likewise, often when you are given an enema from a health care professional, they may put you in that position. But I’ve never heard of a sex educator recommend that someone lie on a certain side for anal penetration.

When it comes to anal penetration with a penis or dildo, your concern is about the rectum, not the colon. The rectum is slightly curved — which is why careful penetration is important so you don’t bump into the rectal wall — but its curves are not like the more drastic curve between the rectum and the sigmoid colon. You can receive and enjoy anal penetration is many different positions, including missionary, on top, spooning, doggie style, standing, bent over something… you get the picture.

I looked in Jack Morin’s book, Anal Pleasure and Health, and the only thing he says that relates to your question is: “Any position which places your legs at right angles to the upper body . . . will straighten the rectum a bit.” Again, this comment is in reference to a discussion about the curves of the rectum, not the sigmoid colon.

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This post, Anal Advisor: Side Seeker originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 15, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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May 17: jessica drake on Progressive Sexual Education and Being a Wicked Girl

This Friday on Sex Out Loud at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET, we feature jessica drake: writer, director, producer and host of jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex. This series of educational DVDs from Wicked Pictures is inspired by her experiences and observations as one of the industry’s legendary Wicked Girls. She’ll talk about how she helps men and women become more sexually aware in Sex for the Wicked Woman, a series of seminars illuminated by her vast expertise and passion for research. With a lifetime of rigorous analysis coupled with years of peerless professional experience, jessica drake will also discuss her journey from a performer to one of the leading voices in progressive sexual education. This interview was recorded live in front of a studio audience at CatalystCon in Washington DC.

One of adult film’s most celebrated actresses, Wicked Pictures contract star jessica drake is making her mark as a sex educator by combining her passion for teaching sexual responsibility with her goal of helping couples discover their erotic potential. Uniting a lifetime of study with a decade’s worth of experiential research, this charming Texan is sharing her expertise with audiences around the globe in jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex. Each subject is explored with the same distinct blend of factual demonstration and good humor that has led Gawker Media’s Fleshbot to laud this three-time AVN Best Actress winner for bringing a “sexy, articulate and professional” voice to the sexual self-help genre. A source of sexual inspiration for the adult industry as well as society at large, jessica is also spearheading Wicked Pictures’ involvement in Adult Production Health & Safety Services, a program designed by the Free Speech Coalition to provide producers and performers with a reliable protocol and database for STI testing.

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This post, May 17: jessica drake on Progressive Sexual Education and Being a Wicked Girl originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 14, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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May 10: Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli on Relationship Geekery

This Friday, May 10th at 5pm PT / 8pm ET on Sex Out Loud, we have our third interview from the CatalystCon series and the second time we talk with relationship geek Reid Mihalko. This time he brings along his creative collaborator, Cathy Vartuli aka The Intimacy Dojo. They discuss coaching, communicating, and why being relationship geeks can lead to better sex. Reid discusses how he’s improving people’s relationships by 10 and Cathy shares how she creates a place where people can learn, practice, and play the art of intimacy.

Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in relationships and sex lives with an inspiring mixture of humor and knowledge. Reid has appeared on Oprah’s Our America With Lisa Ling on OWN, the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Dr. Phil’s The Doctors on CBS, Bravo’s Miss Advised, Fox News, in Newsweek, Seventeen, GQ, The Washington Post, and in thirteen countries and at least seven languages. His workshops and lectures have been attended by close to 40,000 men and women.

Cathy Vartuli is a sex-positive Emotional Freedom and Relationship Coach who helps people transform their traumas into their greatest strengths using love, laughter and inner guidance. Cathy is a PhD scientist and engineer with 18 patents and author of over 50 scientific publications and 70 conference presentations. She is a certified AAMET Advanced Emotional Freedom Techniques Practitioner, and offers a wide range of programs and services – from audio products and programs, to group and individual coaching. She’s been coaching for 6 years and has worked with over a thousand clients. She has co-lead programs and products with Reid Mihalko, and created a PSA on body image with Buck Angel. Cathy has been featured on EFT Hub World Video Summit, the EFT-Universe, Living Energy Secrets, and Create Your Dream Life Summit.

 

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This post, May 10: Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli on Relationship Geekery originally appeared on Pucker Up on May 8, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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