Annette Mori's Blog, page 43

The Red Dress…

A Facebook post a couple of weeks ago, followed by an e-mail from GCLS sent me into a mild state of panic. What was the topic…the awards ceremony.

The first post asked other writers and readers what they were planning to wear to the ceremony and I hadn’t yet decided whether I would attend or not. The next e-mail then asked would I be attending or did I plan to send a proxy since Locked Inside made the short list for the cover and in the Contemporary Romance category.

For those of you who know me just a little from my Facebook posts or who follow my blog, I joke about everything. When I was at the LoneStar Lesfic Festival, I told the story of the red dress. Many of you may not have heard the story, so I feel compelled to repeat it.

The first year I met my wife, my long term girlfriend of eight years had just dumped me for her “soulmate” who she lasted less than 6 months with. I was licking my wounds, not eating much and had lost quite a bit of weight. Along comes this beautiful woman and we started dating. I invite her to the big hospital fundraiser, AKA mandatory fun, and I pull out my size four dress (Nordstroms has a habit of marking dresses a size below the actual size to make women feel better and sell more dresses). I slip the dress on and off we go to the Magical Evening (affectionately nicknamed, the Tragical Evening). All is well, the dress fits me like a glove.

Fast forward to one year later and now I’m fat and happy with the love of my life. We do enjoy eating good food. I pulled out the red dress, stuffed myself into it, and stood in front of the mirror.

“Holy shit,” I exclaimed to no-one (my wife is still in the shower).

I looked like a bulging air mattress after you’ve opened it and are now trying to stuff it back in the same bag. It never works. My stomach and hips pushed against the fabric in a very unattractive way. I was THE definition of a muffin top in an expensive red dress.

I didn’t own a girdle, so I pulled out the next best thing…a pair of biking shorts. I took another look in the mirror after shimmying into the brilliant solution to my dilemma.

“Crap, crap, crap,” I said.

This time my wife sauntered into the bedroom and after hearing me mutter, asked, “What’s wrong, hon?”

It’s been over ten years so I don’t remember the exact conversation, but ultimately I made her help me select one her of outfits that I was able to fit into.

At the time I rationalized my expanding midline and said to myself, “I deserve to carry a few extra pounds because I’m over forty and that’s just what happens when women reach that fine age of maturity.”

I went along blissfully ignorant, buying new clothes, selecting new mandatory fun outfits, until our hospital started a wellness program. When I stepped on the scale and got the results of the body fat testing, I shrieked. In five years, I’d gained 25 pounds and was now a size twelve. Enough was enough. My OCD kicked in and three months later, I’d lost the 25 pounds, developed a new habit of working out every day for a minimum of ninety minutes, and voila the red dress fit again. Muffin top was gone.

At LoneStar, someone asked if I could still fit in the red dress. I proudly said yes, but now I’m second guessing that answer. It’s possible I’ve gained a few pounds back, maybe five, because I started my clandestine affair with sugar again. I promised I would wear the red dress at the GCLS awards ceremony because I didn’t think I’d make the short list. Now I feel compelled to honor that declaration or seek other alternatives.

I finally decided after much deliberation to take the plunge and took the survey that GCLS sent out indicating I would attend the ceremony. I bought my wife a ticket. Then I was asked to present an award…so I am committed to finding something appropriate to wear.

I have a little less than two months to shed those five pounds or I could break my promise and pull out the off the shoulder blue dress that hides the muffin a bit more. What do you think? See the pictures below and tell me which one should I wear? The voting is now open! There is a third alternative that has been suggested…buy a new red dress, but that would peck at my integrity.

Maybe my book sales will cover the cost for alternative number three….a girl can dream!

Just a reminder that the links to where to buy my books are below and a reader said I should mention that the two short stories I wrote in the anthology, It’s in Her Kiss, are follow-ups to the characters Nicky, Annie, and the gang in Love Forever, Live Forever, which was my debut book. Apparently they are very “amusing” and “cute” as was described by some readers. Don’t forget the anthology is for a good cause and if you want to know hear Nicky’s story after reading the two shorts, Vampire Pussy….Cat and Nicky’s Christmas Miracle X3, be sure to pick up Love Forever, Live Forever. Peace out!

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

Will the Real Wonder Woman Please Stand Up…

Last year on Mother’s Day I did an “Ode to My Beautiful Mother” blog and told a story about one of the many lessons I learned from her. I had a topic for this week’s blog all ready to go about the “red dress” and what to wear at GCLS, and then I realized that it was Mother’s Day on Sunday, so there was a last minute scramble to write something different to continue honoring my mother and celebrating the impact she had, and dare I say still has, on my life today.

 

Since I readily admit that I am old and forgetful, I had to re-read last year’s blog so I wouldn’t become my father’s daughter and continue to tell the same old story year after year. Fortunately, I have a lot more stories about my mother and I want to share one of my favorites with you.

Some of you who are close to my age may remember an old seventies television series called, Wonder Woman, with Linda Carter in the starring role. My dad was a wonderful father, but as a husband…not so much. He could be a total pig sometimes and my mother had a way of handling him that was well…original and inspiring.

One night the whole family gathered around our 25 inch big screen TV (stop laughing because in those days a large 25 inch console TV was the equivalent of a 70 inch big screen) watching Wonder Woman. My father was going on and on about what a “fox” (come on people it was the 70’s) she was and how much of a knock out figure Linda Carter had. Drool was hanging from my father’s tactless mouth.

My mother disappeared for about ten minutes as my sisters and I were rolling our eyes so far back into our head we were blinking from the backside. My mother burst into the family room sporting gold bracelets, a wide belt cinching her waist to showcase her still gorgeous figure, and a wide headband, interrupting his incessant comments about the television version of Wonder Woman. She’d transformed into the living, breathing, real life Wonder Woman and my father got the not so subtle hint: “Shut the f*%$ up about a television mirage because the real version is standing before you in all her glory.”

Mom had turned her irritation into something light hearted and fun while getting her point across. I never forgot that moment because my mom was never the demonstrative type. She doled out love and hugs freely, but she always let my father have center stage while she faded into the background. On rare occasions, when we least expected it, she would surprise us all with her sense of humor that always had a touch of grace.

I loved my mother’s playful side and she taught me that I should never take myself too seriously. To this day, I try to find the humor and grace in almost everything. There are, of course, exceptions regarding topics we should never find humor in. Maybe that’s not the lesson that she intended, but it is the one that stuck. Next year I plan to tell the story of dad’s “f*%$ing roses”.

It’s been nearly five years since my mother passed away and I still miss her. I miss her quiet love and incredible grace. I did follow through with a dedication in my book, Asset Management, as mentioned in last year’s blog. One of my greatest regrets is that I didn’t start writing until after she passed away. She never got to read one of my published books. If there is a heaven, I do hope she’s proud that one of my books, Locked Inside, made it in the Goldie short list in my first year as a published author. As a former special education teacher, I believe she would have appreciated an inspiring story about a person with a debilitating illness who overcomes the challenges presented to them.

Of all the books I’ve written, Locked Inside seems to have had the most impact and so I’m going to slightly alter a phrase from two of my favorite authors Saxon Bennett and Layce Gardiner. Instead of “Making Lesbians Happy – One Book At a Time” how about “Educating Lesbians – One Book At a Time.”

Want to see what my books are all about…the links are below.

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

Change Smells Good…

I was sitting in my HR conference yesterday and learning about change and transition. It was a very timely topic for me personally and professionally. Professionally, our organization is on the verge of an affiliation. Personally, we are selling our house and my wife is retiring, while I’m giving serious consideration to follow shortly thereafter.

The first stage in any change or transition is the ending. I immediately went to the word termination. I probably did that because I’ve had on my brain my latest work in progress called, The Termination. It starts out really creepy and disturbing with an HR Director going to a pre-termination proceeding where termination is literal. Yep they kill the employees that they plan to fire. You can all shiver because it is really creepy.

I suppose that’s what makes change so painful. Something has to end and if you’ve been having fun you don’t want that finale. However, if you’re not experiencing joy anymore then perhaps change is good, but still endings are always bittersweet because even though it might not be entertaining, there is always a portion of what you’ve been doing that is comfortable and enjoyable.

I do believe I add value to the workplace in my current position (for the most part) and can honestly say I have a blast at work (most of the time), but I’m also having fun writing. So there is the conundrum. If I want more time to write, I probably need to retire, but that means an end to the kind of work I’ve done for the last thirty years so I can begin a new journey. Interestingly, in the change model after the ending there is the neutral zone and then hallelujah, the new beginning. The neutral zone is filled with chaos and confusion, but can also be a time of enhanced creativity. I’m hoping to capitalize on that inspirational stage.

My warped brain started thinking about all kinds of stuff related to change. For example, hopefully everyone changes their underwear and socks every day (if you wear underwear and socks-I admit to going commando on occasion). What if we didn’t change our underwear or socks, well it would get pretty stinky, wouldn’t it. Side note here are five things that can happen if you don’t change your underwear every day (I swear I’m not making this up because I googled this).

Your skin will get itchy
You could develop sores or rashes
Your vagina will start to smell different
You could get a yeast infection
You might contract a urinary tract infection (UTI)

I decided that I would use that analogy the next time I do a presentation on change. Change helps us avoid the stink. What do you think? Can people relate to that? Or is that just plain gross? I think I should leave out the five things that could happen.

‘Son, your marks stink. You’re becoming a real indie-achiever. I’m proud of you!’

That got me to thinking about that famous video about change called, Who Moved My Cheese. Of course when someone moves your cheese and you don’t go looking for the new location, there’s that stink potential again.

In conclusion, if I resist the changes in life, I’m gonna stink and I don’t want my vagina to smell different. I want to maintain a pleasant aroma! So change is something to embrace versus shy away from!

So where do all you wonderful readers play into this? Well….of course you can aid me in my transition by purchasing my books! That would make the dramatic loss of my day job income a lot more palatable (especially to my wife who insists I need to continue to do interim work).

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

 

Scratch One Off The Bucket List

So it’s Monday night, or more accurately Tuesday morning and that little bugger, menopause, just sent a heat wave through my body. I open one of my bleary eyes and flip open my iPad to look at the time. Okay maybe that’s a little fib, I’m checking Facebook and e-mail because it’s Monday night and my wife isn’t there to keep me in check.

I blink a few times and notice a flurry of congratulations, a tag on my timeline, and posts on various sites—my favorite baby (Locked Inside) is a Goldie Finalist for the Contemporary Romance category. A couple of thoughts run through my head, okay maybe it’s a mistake, after all it is a literary society, not a math club. They got the scoring wrong. And then the panic sets in….

Crap, I just posted earlier that I would be revealing some exciting news the next day. Somebody out there is going to think I had the inside scoop, or worse yet, I somehow rigged the results. My announcement had nothing to do with the Goldie’s, but how was I to know they would post the results at the same time that my podcast interview with Marion Dries of Women and Words would come out. Yep, that was my exciting news. Side note:  Marion managed to temper my overall dorkiness. Thank you Marion.

 

Podcast 

I hastened to clarify that the Goldie finalist announcement was not my exciting news on my Facebook page. I sure hope everyone believed me because I can 100% guarantee that the news was a big surprise. In fact surprise is an understatement, I believe I went into shock!

Now…I want to be completely transparent and confess to the fact that I’ve been dishonest exactly twice in my life. The first time was at the ripe old age of three. Grocery stores should never have those open bins of candy because they encourage budding criminals like myself. I plucked that tempting piece of candy (I’ve always had a serious sweet tooth) from the bin and shoved it in my little pocket, creating a noticeable bulge. Uh, uh, uh, don’t go there…yes I did receive my butch card, but no, I’ve never packed…. When my father noticed the pooch in my pocket, he nipped my blossoming life of crime in the bud by making me give it back and then promptly swatting my little butt. I never stole again. Look at that innocent face…would I do something wrong?

The second act of dishonesty and defiance occurred when I was fifteen and let my friend cheat off my paper in Latin class. In my defense, she was hot and believe me there were no other hot girls in a Latin class. Yep, I was the quintessential nerd. That little slip of virtue earned me an F on the test and a lecture from my parents. I still ended up with an A in Latin, but I had to represent my school in some big statewide Latin competition. See nerd comment above. I bet you never even heard of a Latin competition, did you? I swear they did exist when I was in high school and I was a key member of the team.

Since thenI’ve mended my wicked ways and I would never get involved with anything nefarious so you have to believe me that others found this out well before I did.

So what does this have to do with my bucket list? Well…I think (sometimes I forget what I’ve shared before) I may have mentioned that I have two writing related items on my bucket list and one of them is being a Goldie Finalist. The other is hitting the #1 spot on Amazon Lesbian romance (even if it is only for a nanosecond). I took great pleasure is crossing this off my list.

In all seriousness, I’ve had a great week, but none of this would have been possible if the wonderful women at Affinity e-book press had not taken a chance on me. Erin for her continued mentoring, Julie for her keen sense of what’s a good story and what is crap, and Nancy for her butt-kicking covers (which coincidentally Locked Inside is on the short list). The other three women who really ought to share in this honor are my editors: Kay Carney, Nat Burns, and Alexis Smith. In the famous words of my wife, “I’m not reading it until it goes through the final editing because it’s so much better after it’s been edited.” I’m paraphrasing, but it was pretty darn close to what she said.

Oh…and with these two wonderful events this past week I was a two time virgin once again. God, I am absolutely loving losing my virginity so much this year.

If you haven’t had a chance to read Locked Inside, I hope you’ll take the chance now because apparently it’s pretty good according to GCLS.

 

Amazon – Locked Inside   Affinity – Locked Inside  Bella Books – Locked Inside

 

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

The Balancing Act

I’ve been asked on more than one occasion how I manage to balance all of the competing demands on my time. The smart alec answer is: I don’t sleep. Of course that is a bit of an embellishment, but honestly ever since I hit menopause, I consider myself lucky when I get five hours of sleep in a night (combined time because of course it is never in one big block of time).

On the weekends, I don’t check Facebook or my three different e-mail accounts in the middle of the night anymore because when my wife asks (blurry eyed), “What are you doing, stop checking Facebook,” I feel silly. Although, during the week, I am able to fire off several answers to private messages, click a few likes, and clear out all three e-mail inboxes in record time. When I wake in the middle of the night due to a particularly nasty hot flash, I’m wide awake and raring to go. The weekday obsession with Facebook is currently fair game….that is until my wife moves in with me after we sell our house.

And…..that’s my segue into Project House Sale, which has added to the dilemma of not enough hours in the day. Instead of a lovefest with my wife on the weekends, we are having an affair with our junk drawers. It’s not been satisfying for me at all. No blissful cigarette after…oh wait I haven’t smoked for years, so that doesn’t apply anymore! Cleaning out junk drawers is not as kinky as you might imagine, regardless of the items found in the drawers.

Our house finally listed TODAY and here are some of the pictures to prove that we mended our evil hoarding ways (or did we just move the junk to the condo and storage unit…well maybe we did that just a tiny amount).

Preparing a house for sale requires hundreds (okay maybe a slight exaggeration) of little decisions along the way. One of those decisions was to hire two different companies to perform the deep cleaning and landscape beautification projects. The company hired to clean the house charged a small fortune. No really, I balked at first and said screw it, I’ll ruin my back to shampoo the carpets for what they’d planned to charge. In the end, I relented because I had to admit, I’m not Superwoman and my writing was suffering (among other things cause a gal’s gotta have priorities).

The company who did the cleaning and charged the same amount as the purchase of a small island (yes definitely an embellishment), had a few mishaps. First, they closed the shower door so hard, it shattered. Next, they left several purple spots on the rugs they’d cleaned in different rooms from whatever chemical they were using. Finally, there was a suspicious dark spot in the library that I’d bet my car was left by the machine hanging out in the same spot, or some weird tool they used. The company offered the explanation that it was probably a seam. Seams are not in the shape of a square in the middle of a room. What’s your vote – see picture below.

When my wife called to ask if we would consider splitting the cost of the new shower door…well let’s just say that my normally Zen view of the world went straight out that newly cleaned window. I believe my exact words were, “No f*&$ing way.” I may have repeated the f-word for emphasis in case my position on the matter wasn’t clear. My wife was quick to say, “Yes that’s what I thought too, but I wanted to check because sometimes you’re more conciliatory and willing to compromise.”  See shower missing said door.

My wife is right. Normally I seek a compromise position when conflict is on the horizon.

The next stage is the actual move and I am in charge of planning the estate sale for the remainder of the items too painful to give away, even though we’ve already done a fair amount of that in the de-clutter phase.

After Project Sell The House is done, I won’t know what to do with all the extra time. Maybe I’ll spend some more quality time with my wife or maybe I’ll write another book. I can only hope that menopause will stop being the mean little bitch she is and go away. The possibilities are endless.

If you haven’t read my books yet, hurry up because pretty soon there will be more out there with all this new time I’ll have!  The new anthology is almost due out, called It’s in Her Kiss and features two short stories with my character, Nicky, in my debut book, Love Forever, Live Forever.

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

 

 

Two Time Virgin

Last weekend I had the honor and pleasure of attending my first LoneStar Lesfic Festival. It was beyond thrilling to be an invited author to this prestigious event and there were a number of firsts for me. I did my first ever out loud reading of my work to someone other than my wife and cats. I also participated in my first panel. I stole a line from Ali Spooner who remarked that she was a Panel Virgin. Since I was both a Panel Virgin and a Reading Virgin, I lost my virginity twice at this conference-something I will never forget! I bet you never knew it was possible to lose your virginity twice in one day, but I am living proof that indeed, it is possible and I am fanning my face right now just thinking about it!

I ended up doing the following reading and told the lunch gate story (if you don’t know the full story-feel free to ask me about it). It prompted a few sales which I suppose was the intent. I might have turned a deep shade of red.

When I opened the front door, I groaned as I spied Sydney and her bitchy girlfriend, Hollie.

Hollie was an accomplished attorney and everyone’s golden girl—well, everyone who shared her political views and social standing in the community. The rest of us nerds and common people got to see her decidedly less charming side. When Sydney wasn’t looking, her non-verbal messages were clear—stay away, loser.

I never understood what Sydney saw in Hollie. Sure, her outward appearance was flawless, but she was a soulless she-devil and treated Sydney like shit. Sydney was no more than her loyal and devoted lap dog. As far as I could see, Sydney was not an equal partner, but rather eye candy that Hollie loved to show off.

Of course, Sydney saw us enter the shop right away and waved us over. I couldn’t be rude, so I reluctantly made my way to their table. Celeste followed my lead and stood beside me as I approached my high school crush and the enemy.

“Hey, Sydney. You remember Celeste, right?”

Sydney smiled and nodded. “Of course, you’re the one who wants to learn all about stuff that our resident librarian and expert on remote and interesting trivia knows absolutely everything about. You couldn’t have found a better person to help you. Mabs is amazing with the amount of knowledge she has in that big brain of hers.”

I noticed Hollie scowling when she said that, but Sydney was too busy motioning toward the empty seats to register her sourpuss expression. However, before glaring at me, she focused her penetrating gaze on Celeste and I could tell she liked what she saw. I was willing to bet my house that she would turn on the charm with Celeste.

“Celeste, right?” Sydney pointed to Hollie. “This is my girlfriend, Hollie.”

Hollie directed her perfectly dazzling smile at Celeste. “It’s wonderful to meet you. I’m not sure what information you were looking for, but I’d be happy to help in any way I can. I don’t think Mabel knows that much about our legal system or politics. So… anytime you want to have lunch, my treat of course, I’ll fill you in. It sounded like you aren’t from the US and it can be complicated to understand our system of justice.” Hollie placed a business card in Celeste’s hand and held on just a bit longer than I thought necessary.

I grinned when Celeste’s response was polite but distant.

“Thank you, Hollie. I shall consider your offer, but so far Bella has provided me with the information I need at this time. I choose to continue my education with her.”

Hollie narrowed her eyes. “Bella?”

Sydney chuckled. “Yeah, Celeste decided that was an appropriate name for Mabs and I have to agree. I might start calling her that myself.”

If Hollie’s eyes had the ability to shoot daggers, I’d be dead.

She turned to Celeste and smiled. “Why don’t you and Mabel join us for dinner tonight?”

Oh now, that was rich. I’d known Hollie for over ten years and she’d never invited me to dinner before. Even Sydney seemed shocked by the invitation as she looked at her girlfriend.

“Oh, I am so sorry. Tonight I will be fucking Bella until she screams my name in ecstasy under this lovely moon and stars. I will lap up her sweet nectar from the pulsing, plump lips surrounding her vagina,” Celeste calmly remarked.

Sydney burst out laughing and I hastened to clarify. “She’s kidding.”

I remember thinking that Celeste had the driest sense of humor of anyone I’d ever met. Death Valley had nothing on Celeste. She could deliver a punchline with the straightest face I’d ever seen. Her guileless expression was unflappable.

Hollie just sat there with her mouth hanging open—too shocked to respond.

Celeste looked at me and crinkled her nose. “Bella, did I not give an accurate enough description? I replicated the words in your book.” She turned to Sydney. “I do wish to try the things that I learned in the lesbian erotica book I found. Bella seems to be an eager participant in my experiment.”

Sydney smacked the table and smiled in my direction. “I knew it. You’re a big ole dyke just like me.” She frowned and I imagined that she was perplexed about why I’d never told her before.

“She’s joking,” I protested weakly. I felt bad about not confiding in Sydney, and she was the last person in the world that I wanted to hurt.

 Initially I didn’t think there were any videos out there and then Dawn Carter snuck one on Facebook and tagged me. I did a pre-emptive strike and shared it on my Facebook page. For the masochists out there here is a link to the video: Lonestar Reading

Now for my top ten lessons learned from the event (in this blog they are in no particular order because that would require deeper thought than I can drum up at this particular moment with everything happening in my life right now).

Women over the age of fifty cannot do the same things they used to do in their youth, like take red eye flights. Never again! It took me a whole day to recover from the huge error in judgement.

You will not puke in front of an audience of very kind readers as you are about to read for the first time or follow Radcliffe in a panel no matter how much you think you will.

Pay attention to the Facebook pictures and study them so you recognize your beta readers. Readers who ask for you to sign their books don’t always give their last names (Carrie….).

Make sure you can see the smiling face of your wife in the audience and pay attention to her non-verbals as you are about to reveal too much information and make a total donkey out of yourself. A slight shake of the head usually works, except in my case.
Never take readers for granted and always feel sincere gratitude every single time they ask you to sign a book for them, because it is the best feeling in the world when they honor you with that request.

Your heroes are human. I was so amazed when Radcliffe admitted that sometimes even she believes that what she just wrote was crap (okay I am totally paraphrasing here – but I did glom onto a comment that she made that loosely resembled this notion).

Thoroughly enjoy your time with friends that you might only get to see once a year and stop fretting about making a donkey out of yourself because it gets in the way of your time with these precious people who are now in your life. A little innocent flirting with your heroine cover artist is okay as long as your wife is right there (I swear she was sitting next to me when we posed for this picture).

Always support your fellow authors because honestly they deserve your support and it helps lift up the whole genre.

If you are going to steal a line from a fellow author, for example, “I’m a panel virgin,” make sure you give that author credit. It was a brilliant line from Ali Spooner, an equally brilliant writer. I got to use it twice.

I can’t think of a bigger honor than being included in the list of authors invited to attend this event. I know I’m relatively new to attending these conferences, but this was so much better than my first due to Yvette’s brilliant organization and the fact that there were actually a few people who knew who I was before I introduced myself. Of course the name badge helped.

In summary, if they’ll have me back, I’d walk the 2,000+ miles if I had to, because I would attend this event again in a heartbeat.

If you want to purchase the book that started lunch gate just click on one of the links below.

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

 

 

 

Pre-Move Lessons…

Most everyone who follows my blog, or hangs out on Facebook now and again, knows that I’ve been embroiled in de-cluttering and preparing our house for sale with the ultimate goal to move into our tiny condo and finally live together again after three plus years.

Here’s my Top Ten lessons learned from my experiences over the past two months:

(10)   Don’t re-key any doors because you aren’t able to find the keys at the time you are looking for them….they always show up eventually.

(9)   If you haven’t thrown out 75% of the contents of your junk drawers (yes multiple, we had at least three and a half to include the expanded versus of a junk cabinet), then you are officially an unrepentant hoarder and there is no cure for you.

(8)   Don’t ever buy spices in bulk. In fact, just avoid cooking special meals altogether, or buy spice prepared meat, because you’ll never use 90% of the spices you buy ever again. Side note: It is never more economical to make that special meal versus going out to dinner (see first sentence of this lesson).

(7)   Don’t take or buy those tiny shampoos, cream rinses, lotions, or soaps from hotels or grocery stores because they would make great camping items. They multiply like rabbits and take up valuable storage space.

(6)   Use a big black marker to mark boxes (immediately – yes right that second after you’ve filled it) that go to storage versus those that go to the new place. It helps avoid opening that box ten times or more wondering what the hell you put in there.

(5)   Candles are an especially good item to put in your goodwill box. We probably had nearly a hundred stuffed into several large drawers in the kitchen and then we found more in the bathrooms.

(4)   Before unpacking those boxes that go to the new place (that by the way I already live in during the week) follow the above six lessons because those cabinets and junk drawers will not magically fit all the stuff you plan on filling them with. Once a hoarder, always a hoarder and there is only so far one can go to rid themselves of their precious crap.

(3)   Don’t get rid of all those chords and electrical plugs, because you know you are going to need them when you unpack the small electronic devices you simply cannot part with because they were so “spendy”.

(2)   Work together in the same room so you can laugh and ask each other, “What the hell is this plastic thing for?” The only appropriate response to that question is, “I have no flippin’ idea, toss it.”

(1)   The number one thing I’ve learned is to always have a nice glass of wine at the end of the day. While drinking the wine, reminisce and laugh about all you’ve accomplished and learned on that particular packing day.

With 90% of the preparations for listing our house done, the next phase is nearly upon us (the actual move-we’ve barely scratched that surface). I can expel a huge sigh of relief now and enjoy the Lonestar Lesfic Festival knowing that the most of the preliminary work is done. I can’t wait to see old friends and meet new ones. If you cannot attend, but just have to buy ones of my books, the links are below. Whew it was difficult connecting a shameless promotion to this blog, but I managed it (yes I know it was a bit of a stretch).

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

 

SOS…I need help….

In less than a week, I’ll travel with my beautiful wife to Austin, Texas to meet up with some of my fellow authors at Affinity e-Book Press, as well as some other amazing authors at the 8th Annual Lonestar Lesfic Festival. Like some other readers, I’m doing my own fan girl squeal. Here’s the line-up in case you haven’t heard: Radclyffe, Barbara Wright, Mavis Applewater, Ali Vali, Ali Spooner, Lacey Schmidt, Carsen Taite, Julie Cannon, Renee MacKenzie, Del Robertson, D Jackson Leigh, JM Dragon, Erin O’Reilly, Laydin Michaels, Melissa Brayden, Stacy Reynolds, MJ Williamz, Karis Walsh, Taylor James, Robin Alexander, and Carrie Carr (these authors are in no particular order).

Link to Lonestar Lesfic Website

Last year I was a Con Virgin at the GCLS Conference in New Orleans. Since I was a brand, spanking (no, not that kind of spanking) new author—completely wet behind the ears, I did not sign up to sit on any panels or do any readings. After all who’d want to hear from the likes of me?

I was so honored that Lonestar invited me to participate and when asked, I offered to do whatever they needed. Initially they signed me up for a panel titled, “Hidden Themes in Lesbian Fiction.” Right after lunch, I’m scheduled to do a reading. Post lunch time slots—yeah that’s a good time to put someone to sleep—maybe I can tell a really good bedtime story. Wink wink.

A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from the organizer stating that some last minute emergencies created openings in the schedule and was I willing to help out. “Sure,” I promptly e-mailed back. So now I’m scheduled for the, “Talk Show: Getting To Know You.”

For those of you who know me, I often provide too much information (TMI—see my earlier blog). Nothing and I mean nothing is sacred, much to the chagrin of my very private wife. Thus, I can do that talk show in my sleep.

What has me shaking in my boots is the reading. I am convinced I’ll sound like a blubbering idiot and what passage do I chose? This is where you need to scroll down to the end of this blog and type in that little comment box all your helpful suggestions. Be specific please!

The other panel is also causing a fair amount of angst. Are they expecting me to spew a bunch of profound statements, versus my normal amount of verbal diarrhea? Did they see something worthy in my books and thought I was leaving hidden messages? What are they looking for?

Here’s what I plan to do….I’m going to keep my big mouth shut until another more intelligent and prolific author chimes in and then I’ll nod my head, agree, and try to pluck something out of my works that sounds remotely interesting. Once again, I am instructing you to scroll on down and take a few moments to provide your insightful feedback regarding what you’ve picked up from one of my books related to “hidden themes.” Please. Pretty please with yummy sticky sugar on top. I’m hoping that I inadvertently wrote something that someone interpreted as profound. I’ll just smile and nod and pretend that it was entirely by design. Maybe my mentor, Erin O’Reilly will bale me out. She’s on the same panel.

Of course I could be completely imagining everything and they did some random drawing to determine who they put on what panel and the obtuse nature of “Hidden Themes” is just the luck of the draw.

For those of you who haven’t read my books and can’t help me out, quick hurry up and get on it so you can provide me with some essential pointers to keep me from fainting on the spot and making a total a#$ out of myself.

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

Those Darn Labels…

Last week as I labored over my rowing machine and finally managed to replaced the spring loaded wheel, I jokingly posted on Facebook that I wanted my butch card (thanks K’Anne). I felt I’d earned it after four blinking hours with tools in hand and multiple bruises as proof of my labor.

That got me to thinking (I know dangerous) about all the labels we use in our wonderful subculture. Off the top of my head I identified the following: butch, femme, boi, lesbian, gay, transsexual, transgender, bi, male identified, female identified, dyke, baby dyke, and stud. I was so sure I’d missed a few that I did some research and came up with a few additions: androgynous, soft butch, blue jeans femme, diesel dyke, drag king, Chapstick lesbian, futch, kiki, gold star lesbian, hasbian, LUG, pillow queen, sport dyke, stem, stone butch, stone and pseudo butch.

 

So I ask all of you wonderful people did I capture them all or did I miss a few? Feel free to send a note.

I identify as a lesbian, but what kind of lesbian? Most people who know me probably wouldn’t classify me as butch. They’d probably say I lean more toward femme, but I love tools and Home Depot is one of my favorite stores. I’ve tarried in drywall, installed garbage disposals, re-grouted tiles, replaced electrical outlets, installed ceiling fans, replaced faucets, and managed all types of minor plumbing and electrical repairs. I don’t wear lipstick nearly as often as my wife. I despise high heels or any fancy shoe for that matter, but enjoy putting on a dress now and again. I don’t go anywhere, including camping (which I barely tolerate) without access to my hair dryer. So I wonder what that makes me? I don’t think I quite fit the Chapstick lesbian moniker and I’d prefer not to use the label futch (I mean come on who thought of that). I’ve decided to add a few more that might fit. How about fetch, or bumme? I think I prefer fetch over bumme for the same reason I don’t like futch. How about lipstick butch, now that has a nice ring to it.

Maybe I don’t have to find a home at all. Labels sometimes create hurt and discontent. So why do we use labels? I think it’s human nature to categorize things so we can make sense of our complicated world. I’m okay with that, so if there’s a new label that you want to call me, I choose fetch because it has a nice ring to it and it’s close to fetching which has a positive versus negative connotation. You know, such as, “she sure was fetching…”

However, I’d like to think that like my books I’m a completely new bird…unconventional, but in a good way. I suspect like me there are many books or women that don’t fit squarely into that round hole and that’s what makes this world interesting. If you have a hankering for something slightly out of the norm, feel free to check out my books.

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page

 

 

An Exercise in Communication…

Moving is an extremely painful process. Just saying…

Once my wife and I decided to sell our house so that we might finally reside in the same town seven days a week instead of only on the weekends, the process of de-cluttering began—otherwise known as getting rid of sh$@.

In all fairness, some of the stuff we own is truly crap that needed cleaning out ten years ago when we first moved from our respective houses to this one. At one point between the two of us we owned three houses (almost four, but we sold that one before moving into our new house). I have no idea what I was thinking when I lugged some of that crap from our other houses ten years ago because we haven’t touched those boxes since we moved and none of it serves a useful purpose now or in our new clutterless life.

Now here’s where it starts to get interesting…there are numerous items that are painful to part with and that has been an evolving process for both of us. The art of negotiation and reasonableness goes right out the window as we both jockey for the essential stuff we wish to bring to our tiny 1,000 foot condo that by the way is already fully furnished. Admittedly most of those items are not your run of the mill crap, but very expensive artwork, electronics, and other sentimental items that both of us have a hard time letting go of.

I know I can’t take my Disney collection with me, but I snuck all the lithographs still in their Disney shopping bags into my car and plan on stuffing them into a corner of the storage unit. I have no logical reason for doing this, but sentiment and logic have nothing in common with one another. Yes, we’re getting a storage unit for all that stuff we simply cannot part with yet, but will not fit in the condo.

I’m not proud of myself as I confess that I wasn’t using any of the communication skills learned from my crucial conversations classes as I pushed my wife to let go of a fair number of her albums (vinyl) that I know for a fact she hasn’t touched in ten years. I may have used profanity…hanging my head in shame. Here is the after clutter picture, but note the vinyl that is clustered at the bottom (a spill over from the cabinet below).

Finally, we came to an amiable place and I texted her on Monday as the guilt from my Catholic upbringing overwhelmed me. I asked her to send me the dimensions of the cabinet she wants to bring to the condo. My initial reaction was horror, disbelief, and an adamant, “no way – not an option.” She quickly tossed out that my bronze statue (how could I possibly get rid of that) sitting on the stone pedestal shouldn’t come either if her cabinet wouldn’t fit. Good point, but at the time I didn’t necessarily see it that way. I was in a much more objective mood on Monday.

I’ve moved one of the trikes sitting in the condo’s second bedroom to storage and low and behold there is plenty of room for her cabinet and my statue!

Ultimately, we have the same important goal—to live together and enjoy life because after all everyone knows that life is too short. As we move through this painful process, keeping that goal in the forefront will be what saves our sanity.

By the way, we got rid of every single book with the exception of the signed books I purchased at last year’s GCLS from fellow authors and some of my wife’s helpful naturopathic books. I shed a few tears as I parted with some of my treasured books, including some first edition classics, but everything I let go of allows us to get closer to our goal.  The picture below was before we packed up all our books.

Late breaking news….below is the stack of vinyl that my wife is getting rid of. There is compromise at work after all! 

Thank goodness for e-books because they don’t take up much space at all. For those of you who have had to go through this process, just know that every one of my books comes in a space saving e-book!

Affinity Author Page         Amazon Author Page