Cynthia Harrison's Blog, page 29

Losing the Benzos

A couple of weeks ago, the battery in my bathroom scale died. I weigh myself almost every day, and record my weight in my morning pages, so this was a problem. If I don’t weigh myself I can gain a couple of pounds a day without noticing until my jeans and rings don’t fit. I knew things were a bit grim, but hey, it’s winter in Michigan, so I wasn’t too worried. (I’m not worrying about my weight anymore. I’m a granny.)

But then I got a new battery for the scale. Turns out I gained 7 pounds this month. And you know, we’re only 3 weeks in. I know it’s the carbs. And chinese food. And possibly chardonnay, although I haven’t been drinking very much because of my little benzo problem. Which is now over. With benzos gone, I can once again let go of the carbs.

Couple of tricks you have to learn to successfully eat very low carb. One is that winter without carbs can be rough. Our cavewoman genes really want to bulk up for hibernation and food shortages. And it’s hard to fight a cavewoman. But it can be done. Example: me in January. So the other thing that can mess up the low carb life is drug withdrawal. As mentioned, I recently got off the benzos.

It took me six months to taper off Xanax, and to do that without a ton of anxiety and insomnia, and also some flu-like symptoms, and I mean a bad flu, like the worst flu ever, my doctor put me on Prozac and sleeping pills that had a little benzo in them. Just to help me taper. So yes, to get off one drug, I had to take three, in ever-diminishing doses, for what seemed like a really long time.

At first I balked at the Prozac, because I thought only depressives or bipolar people needed Prozac. Also because I heard Prozac will pack on the pounds faster than estrogen cream. But at first, Prozac did not put weight on me. Not until I was completely off Xanax. Even then, it wasn’t so bad, because I was still taking the benzo sleeping pill. So my body was getting a little bit of benzo. And it was happy.

Then I tapered off the sleeping pill. I never wanted to take sleeping pills to begin with, so I was very happy to finally go down from those. Plus the low dose of the sleeping pill cost $600 so instead I halved the capsules. You have to very carefully twist the capsule apart and make sure only half the powder goes in each side of the capsule. Then you mix a half capsule with  a teaspoon of applesauce, eat it and put a piece of tape over the other half capsule for the next night. After two weeks, you take a half cap every other night. It’s tedious. So yes, I was thrilled to be off the benzos.

Meanwhile, with every micro-milligram I went down, I got some withdrawal symptoms. Not the bad ones like I had before my doctor stepped in, but a bit of anxiety and iffy stomach. I decided to ease those withdrawals by allowing sugar and carbs in, just for a while. And really, they do help. Then my scale broke. Then I tapered off Prozac, which wasn’t as difficult as the benzos because I had only been on it for maybe 2 or 3 months. I was on 4 mg Xanax for about 5 years, and used it casually (not that there is anything casual about panic attacks, I just didn’t have one every day) for maybe 20 years.

I didn’t know this until my new doctor told me (as opposed to the old doctor who prescribed the benzos and said they were perfectly harmless to take for the rest of my life) but 25 years is a really long time to take Xanax.

Now I only take one pill a day, one that has no noticeable effect other than eliminating acid reflux. You won’t hear of anyone on Nurse Jackie rocking the Prilosec. But people (who knew?) love benzos. I honestly didn’t know people used them recreationally. I used them to control panic attacks. And insomnia. And migraines. But then I did a past life regression that cured my panic attacks and the Xanax stopped working for insomnia. I also started using hormone therapy which stopped the migraine almost totally. So I thought, wow, I should just give these up. Ha! Way easier said than done. But eventually I did.

And I have the 7 extra pounds to prove it!

You know what? I’m so happy to be off all those pills (My energy is back! I thought it was gone forever!) that I don’t even mind having gained this weight. And now that I am not experiencing any withdrawal symptoms I can drop the carb crutch. Because really, I’d like to wear rings on my fingers and zip up my jeans.

Tagged: benzos, carbs, insomnia, migraine, panic attack, Prozac, sleeping pills, taper, weight loss, withdrawal, xanax

What Silence Says

I sometimes have imaginary relationships with real people. It might be a side effect of being a writer. In fiction, I have to make up conversations all the time. I have to put myself inside every single character and imagine how they think, feel, act. I might carry that over into real life sometimes, for better or worse.

One example is my ex-husband. We’ve been divorced for thirty some years, but we have kids and grandkids, so we still see each other on occasion. When we first got divorced, I had this idea of how our relationship would be going forward. It would be friendly. We’d get along really well and have lots of laughs.

That didn’t happen.

It’s not that we’re enemies. We just don’t see each other much and when we do we hardly speak. At first, I tried to dive into my personal scenario, behaving all friendly and so on, but he just glanced at me and looked away. So gradually I backed off the overly-friendly chat and followed his lead into silence. But for me, for a long time, it was a very loud silence.

I had thoughts about his silence, like that by not engaging in the friendly plot I’d outlined in my head, he was in some way dismissing me. Insulting me. But there was nothing in his demeanor to suggest those things. He didn’t scowl or distance himself physically. He didn’t turn and walk away. So why then did his silence hurt me? Why did I feel embarrassed? Angry? Chagrined? Annoyed? Exasperated?

That’s the funny part, really, because all of the negative self-talk was internally devised. I have no way of actually knowing his motives or intentions or if indeed he has any at all. After all these years I am starting to come around to the idea that he doesn’t really think of me at all. Once we divorced, that was it for him. And that’s okay. That’s even healthy.

But for me it’s different. He gave me two brilliant children, the only children I’ll ever have. That’s the biggest gift anyone can ever give and it’s not something that I’ll ever forget or take lightly. Not saying he’s forgotten or taken anything lightly. Because I have no way of knowing how he feels. And that’s fine, because, really, it’s none of my business.

Tagged: divorce, ex-husbands, imagination, relationships

Being Granny

My grandmothers were the best women I ever knew. From the day I was born, they were white lights shining on me, getting into my skin and deepening me into the woman I would some day become. When I was young I used to think “when will I reach an age when I can lay down my worries about wrinkles and waistlines?” I knew someday I’d get there, I just didn’t know when. Now I do. It happened when I became Granny, a little less than two years ago.

There’s a genetic alchemy that happens when we become mothers. We suddenly understand our own mothers much better. We love them more. The same thing happens when we become grandmothers, we cherish our own grandmothers more. Or maybe that love part, that best part, just hits the surface. Maybe it lays underground until it’s time to bloom.

Grace allows this transition, you don’t have to have children or grandchildren to lay down the shallow, the inessential. For me, it took that much. Others burn off the outer layer all on their own. Either way, there’s no joy quite like accepting yourself at the deepest level and feeling pure love for self and others without the masks.

Tagged: being granny, grace, joy, pure love, self-acceptance

Plans & Dreams

I’ve been dreaming up ideas for my new position as Program Director with Detroit Working Writers. One of the things our President asked me to do was facilitate some workshops myself. Once a teacher, always a teacher, so this was an easy YES.

In addition to planning events, hiring speakers, and scouting locations for the next 18 months or so, I’m also figuring out what kind of workshops I want to teach. I’ve got two lined up, one in July and one in October. The great thing is these workshops are not just for DWW members, but for the entire local writing community. Anyone can sign up. Including you.

I’m designing a new web page that will include a registration form (with some tech help) and that should all be in place in a week or so. But you can look at what I’ve got so far on the Events & Workshops page. I did that myself, with easy-peasy Word Press. I think it looks pretty good.

Big ideas for 2016 don’t stop with teaching workshops. The other idea is something a bit more outside my comfort zone, but I’ve decided to do it, because it will be good for me and for my books. I’m taking my Blue Lake series on a long dreamed about tour of Lake Huron bookstores this spring/summer.

What stirred this idea up again was a phone call. The folks running the Alpena Book Festival (Alpena is a little town on Lake Huron that has a passing resemblance my fictional town of Blue Lake) emailed asking me to participate in the festival this fall. And I thought, wow, I should get my books in stores around there.

So I ran the idea by my road manager, ah, my husband Al, and he said sure, let’s do it.

When your publisher doesn’t have brick and mortar distribution, you can still get your books into stores. Simply order from your publisher and distribute the books yourself. Author friends of mine have done this two ways: one is to set a price and sell stock outright to the bookstores. The other is to take a commission when the books are sold.

Not sure what method I’ll try yet, just sure that I’m going to do something about getting my Blue Lake series in stores this spring.

 

Tagged: brick and mortar distribution, DWW Workshops, Marketing, publishing, writing

Messy Manuscript Revision

Am in the middle of revising and things are chaotic. Actually had to buy a monitor because of all the cut and paste and rearranging going on. The little laptop screen was just not getting the job done.

This is normal for a novel drafted in a month with daily word counts. I shall not panic. I will, as Jennifer Cruise says, protect the work. Jenny is my go-to guide for revision, both the process and how to fit it into life when things feel a bit frayed. I’m at the point just now where I feel like one tug and the fabric might become a mess of threads that don’t make whole cloth.

Tortured metaphors aside, I have a few things I do in times like this (besides the unwise decision to buy new electronics during Mercury retrograde, but that’s another story). I cut back my schedule to bare bones. Make a commitment to show up at my desk every day. I don’t give up, take days off, or skip away to social media. Or if I do…I come right back.

I protect the work. I make it primary. I also outline, create a calendar, and micro-manage my plot. This time the plot was lopsided. My original goal was not big enough to sustain my interest for the entire novel (and if it can’t sustain my interest it will not click with the critique group or those distant readers in the future) so late in the story I added a layer to the plot. This new layer greatly improved things but it made the structure wobble.

Paper clips and turning points (Jenny on turning points) are my friends as I read the entire manuscript, outline the way the scenes need to be realigned, consult my story calendar to keep sequence of events straight. I spread the entire book (in paper-clipped scene-sized chunks) all over the floor. Then I stack them up front to back. Every day I take the next paper-clipped scene and move it to its new position within the document. I’m not so much concerned with the loose threads that need to be edited to smooth things out at the end–I can catch those in the next read through, after the book is re-ordered in some semblance of how it appears in my head.

The bonus for working daily and consistently on a story this way is that you’ll get little hints and helps. Last night I came up with a solution to a motivation problem. Why should my protagonist care about goal A when goal B is now compelling her action? The answer was elegant and simple and will be easy to incorporate at this point in revision.

When I show up for my work this way, the universe conspires in happy and surprising ways. If you’ve got a mess of a manuscript on your hands, it may help you, too.

Tagged: jennifer cruise, Revision, turning points, WIP, writing

Avoiding Diet Detours

So stressed this past weekend went to pick up dinner and also bought a large candy bar, a chocolate cupcake, and a box of cookies. And ate them all. Before dinner. The candy bar was gone before I got my coat off. Had mashed potatoes with dinner. Al poured me a large glass of wine to go with that. I’m only mentioning the carbs.

Because, you know, carbs are what I am not (supposed to be) eating. So the scale has gone up a notch but I’m back on track after two days of deep breathing and Nurse Jackie. Between episodes, I came up with this bright idea to help me stay on track. A permanent shopping list and menu. Why keep reinventing the wheel? Especially just for a short little span of time in which I want to kick ten pounds to the curb?

Due to the stress, I was late getting a post up (usually I post Sunday or Monday and here it is Tuesday already) so I was thinking why not share my plan? So, here you go.

Shopping List

Meat: Ground turkey (2 pounds), ground beef, salmon, chicken breast, bacon, soy sausage

Dairy: Cheeses, yogurt, almond milk, eggs, butter

Fruit: Apples, pears, oranges, bananas, grapes, berries (frozen okay in winter)

Vegetable: Spinach, romaine, cucumber, radish, broccoli, cauliflower, carrot, celery

Also: peanut butter, nuts, seeds, canned vegetable & fruit, soup, tomatoes, tuna

Menu

Cheeseburgers & Romaine Salad

Ground Turkey Meatloaf & Broccoli

Salmon & Orange/Spinach Salad

Chicken Cacciatore

Turkey Chili

*

breakfasts: eggs, soy sausage, bacon, yogurt, nuts

lunches: tuna salad, turkey salad, chicken salad, broccoli salad, fruit and cheese

snacks: nuts, peanut butter, veg & dip, latte

*

Just so you know, I swap out the fish sometimes for variety. Also, I have been known to eat a pork chop for breakfast. And lunches can be dinner. Finally, leftovers are awesome.

 

Tagged: diet, low carb, menu, shopping list

Easiest Diet Ever

Pounds gained since Thanksgiving: 10

Pounds lost since last week: 5

How I did it: No carbs, no sugar, no alcohol. That’s it. This eating program is easier than it sounds. Obviously, since I always do things the easy way if possible. I have spent decades calculating and recording calories and fat in little notebooks, sweating with Richard Simmons, slogging through the  January snow to the gym.

My simple plan requires none of the above. No calorie counting. No notebooks. No exercise. The best part is it works. Fast. Many years of gaining and losing plus dozens of diet/health/cook books analyzed and tried have taught me a few things.

All calories are not created equal
All bodies do not react to calories the same way
Personality & inclination win out over willpower

This is why my diet may not be right for you. I’m pretty sure if you do it, it will work. There’s a boatload of science that backs me up. But not everyone wants to give up bread, potatoes, rice, pasta, cereal and sugar. It sounds too hard because these are the very foods we crave.

For me, it’s way more difficult to constantly monitor my calories, fat, and exercise levels. That’s just how I’m made. I’d rather do other things with my time and body than go through the torture of a traditional diet. Also, I have gone through the torture of traditional to trendy diets. Many times. I’ve detoxed and gone vegan, Weight Watched and South Beached.

And it was all I could do to keep the weight off. It took everything. It took, I finally realized, more willpower than I actually had left by my mid-50s. (I started dieting in my mid-30s). So a couple of years ago I did the easy thing. For me. I cut out carbs and sugar. It was also the healthy thing for me as all my important medical numbers stabilized: blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, liver function, iron levels.

Another reason it’s easy is because you really don’t have to think about it and you can eat this way on vacation, in restaurants, at other people’s dinner parties. You have the steak and broccoli and skip the bread and potatoes. You keep the oil and butter but omit the wine. After a day (or two) you won’t crave carbs or sugar anymore, you won’t obsess about what’s going in your mouth next and you won’t overeat. Snack on fruit, cheese and nuts if you’re hungry but after a few days, you won’t be.

If you’re like me. I’m impatient by nature, also indolent. This is a tough combo but the character is carved deep. I accept who I am and after much trial and error (I’m also stubborn) I have learned how to work with my core personality to (mostly) stay a healthy weight.

If you’ve been obese, if your doctor has said you are pre-diabetic, if you notice that you have to work way harder than some of your friends to lose pounds and maintain weight loss, if your activity is more cerebral than physical (I’m a writer and a reader and I love yoga more than zumba), you might be like me.

Not everybody is. My husband loves potatoes and rice and bread and cereal. Also cookies and cake. He works out like a fiend three times a week at his health club. He’s been the same size since we married 30 years ago. This is not a problem for us. In the past I would have to ban certain foods from the house.

But the beauty of the low carb lifestyle is that I can have all these foods in the house, I can even prepare them for him, and not be tempted to indulge. Because I know if I don’t eat carbs the number on the scale will drop approximately a pound a day. And it’s easy to ignore the mashed potatoes because metabolic magic takes away those insatiable cravings that make me feel like a weak loser with no willpower.

I love the feeling of being in control. I love zipping my jeans with ease. I love not having to think so hard about my body. But like I said, that’s just me. It might not be you.

Here’s the sugar lining: after I lose this holiday ten pounds, I will slowly add a few carbs to my diet. So I can have a glass of wine once in a while. I can have a little pasta or  garlic bread or pancakes. And I will not gain weight. If I do…I simply cut the carbs again until I’m back in my skinny jeans. Well, skinny for me.

 

 

Tagged: diabetes, diet, low carb, weight

Year of Big Dreams

Not very long ago, I believed I was past the age of dreaming big. By the age of 60, I had achieved far more than my 16 year old self could ever have imagined. More than my 26 year old self, or indeed even my 36 year old self. I thought that maybe by my age, vision should be retrospective. There was just a hint of feeling as if my time for new dreams had passed and I should graciously accept that fact.

I felt that I should be satisfied with what my life had brought thus far. And I was. I am. More than satisfied, I’m grateful and amazed with this good luck life, grateful and amazed  to have taken the adversity and challenges in stride, even surmounting them in some instances. I have survived and thrived and find myself in a really wonderful place, mentally and physically and emotionally. All is well.

Sort of. Or it will be now that I have rooted out this silly unconscious notion that at some magic age (for me that seems to be 60) or perhaps after some momentous event (retiring from teaching) I need to simply give up on dreaming big dreams and be content with what I’ve manifested thus far.

The idea that there is an age or an event that signals “time to stop going for it” isn’t just silly–it’s depressing. And I was depressed for about a year without really knowing exactly why. I kept giving myself the pep talk about having had a great life and now I could simply coast…enjoy the scenery, keep writing, have a glass of wine.

Not that any of the above are bad things. But there was the nagging spark inside that begged me to dream some new dreams before it really was too late. Slowly, I have gathered my courage and uncovered a few gems. Things I still want to try. Things that are a bit scary. Things that I might fail to achieve.

But damn I’m going for it. The time to stop dreaming, planning and achieving will come when I draw my final breath, and not before. This is my mantra for 2016. Stayed tuned, there’s much more to come.

Happy new year!

 

 

Tagged: 2016, dreams

Mystery & Me

Blame it on Nancy Drew. She was my first love (but far from my last) in the mystery genre. In the 1960s, as a young girl, I collected her books and began a life long commitment to binge reading. Which led to writing, which led to writing a mystery. My first mystery, Love and Death in Blue Lake, releases worldwide today.

Love and Death in Blue Lake didn’t start out as a mystery. I’d written several romance and women’s fiction titles and I thought for sure this book, about high school sweethearts who reconnect, would be another in the same genre. But no. Stories often take unexpected turns as this one did when I wrote a gun into someone’s purse.

What began as a small subplot came to be an equal plot to the romance story. It constantly threatened to take over the book, but I had my heart set on writing a rekindled love story. Eventually I found a way to get the thwarted lovers to reconnect over the mystery and that’s when I realized that this book would be different.

Love and Death in Blue Lake is the third in my Blue Lake series, and brings back several characters from the first book, Blue Heaven, to expand and deepen their stories. I love writing a series…I just hope readers like the new direction mine has taken as much as I do.

To celebrate the season, I am giving away two autographed print copies of Love and Death in Blue Lake to commenters #2 and #5 in U.S. only. The first commenter, US or UK, will receive free Kindle editions of Blue Heaven and Love and Death in Blue Lake.

Note: Some comments need approval before appearing on the page, but I will honor the order in which I receive them.

Happy holidays!

Tagged: blue heaven, love and death in blue lake, mystery novel, worldwide release

Ten Terrific Storytellers

Until I joined a writer’s group, I didn’t have a friend in the world who was as obsessed as I was with words. I felt kinda strange scribbling poetry and journals, like what the heck was my problem that I wasn’t like other teenagers? In my mid-twenties I finally took a creative writing class and found my tribe in a group sponsored by the professor.

Since that first group, I’ve taken many courses, attended scores of workshops, and met hundreds of writers. Writing groups and writer friends are precious links for those of us in this mostly solitary endeavor. My current writer’s organization has introduced me to so many fine writers including published poets, novelists, and journalists.

Cindy LaFerle

Today I’m featuring books I love from a writing group I have been a part of since 2008,  Detroit Working Writers. I am often asked for  reading suggestions, so these are that, but would also make fine Christmas gifts. If you’re looking for Michigan settings and themes, or just an excellent read to lose yourself in, I highly recommend every one of them!

Veronica Dale

Special Star Veronica Dale’s book of short stories Night Cruiser will thrill and chill readers who want something deliciously dark.

Cindy Hampel’s self-help book It‘s Not Personal offers hope and advice for those of us dealing with difficult people.

Award-winning Cindy LaFerle was my first friend in DWW and her book of personal essays Writing Home remains a favorite.

Debut novelist Linda Sienkiewicz knocked me out with In the Context of Love her novel of love and loss.

Iris Underwood works her lavender farm and writes with equal grace. Growing Lavender is a lush adventure in verse.

Diane DeCillis

Poet Diane DeCillis exquisite images and fierce emotion make her collection Strings Attached an amazing achievement.

Elizabeth Buzzelli is a master of Michigan mystery who pens comic and clever plots from the northern part of our state. Her Emily Kincaid series cracks me up.

Elizabeth Buzzelli

Speaking of “up north” C. S. Gordon’s literary novel  The Heart & Horn gives the U.P. a fresh look. Christian Belz sleuths closer to home with the Ken Kroll series featuring an architect as seemingly hapless but actually adept amateur sleuth. And Linda Anger, DWW’s immediate past president, compiled the beguiling collection Full Crumb Cafe that includes poetry, fiction and non-fiction.

The DWW website features these and other Michigan authors (whose books I have yet to read). It also gives info on our 2016 writer’s conference and how you might become a member of our group. I’d love for you to join us.

 

 

 

 

 

Tagged: christmas gifts, friendship, Michigan writers, writers, writing friends