Cynthia Harrison's Blog, page 26

Breaking Through

[image error]I wanted something to happen this winter. I knew the outer landscape would be different, but was hoping for big changes on the inside, too. Now that I’m into my second  month in St Pete, I’m making progress on those inner goals: to figure out my reluctance around writing, to work on my health, and to make friends.

In December, I was ready to take a three month break from novel writing, that’s how confused and conflicted I felt about my current project. To my amazement, one day last week I realized I was ready to get on with it. Not only ready: absolutely eager. Writing breakthrough, check!

Another pleasant surprise is how well the whole self-improvement plan is going. I wanted to work on my health: exercise more, eat less. And I’ve been doing that, faithfully attending Weight Watcher meetings (the ones I’m going to in St. Pete are so inspiring). I surprised myself by joining a line dancing class. Whew, those ladies work it! I didn’t take a correct step all night, but nobody minded, which helped crack my third goal, making friends.

[image error]Besides dancing, literally like a fool, I have been going to the weekly coffee our community hosts. Just trying to be friendly and open to meeting people. That’s working out, too. I met a few neighbors I really like. I’m even going to the Valentine’s Day dance this coming Saturday. Despite not being so great at line dancing, I really love to dance. My new friend was going alone so I said I’d go with her. I bought a ticket and everything!

I’m not sure if me buying a single ticket is what prompted one gentleman to ask “Are you a widow? Divorced?”I got a chill having those labels applied to me, however innocently. I felt disoriented, even a little shocked that somebody would just come out with a statement like that. “I’m married,” I said. “And my husband’s at work.”

Which is true. Al is at work. In Michigan. Wish he was here. Six more weeks!

Blank Slate

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Marriage is a series of compromises; everyone has a different idea of their necessary percentage of YES. Mine is 50% which means about half the time, I hold back from doing or saying, buying or selling, something I want to do or say, buy or sell. It’s not that simple either. I need to be 100% in control of my own mind/body/spirit and I need a 100% YES every time I make a plan to visit my kids and grandkids.

Maybe these compromises are why the idea of a do-over, of a blank slate, is so appealing. Movies and novels use this theme all the time. The amnesia patient. The partner running from a violent relationship. The secret wish, expressed fervently, to go back in time and correct what seems to be a mistake. Even the widow who discovers her husband is not who she thought he was…liberating her from grief and granting her the blank slate.

I’ve thought about leaving my 32 year marriage once or twice during a rough patch when my calculations said I was getting the short end of the stick and when nothing I said or did seemed to make change likely. I’ve planned my escape out and the most appealing part of it is not being responsible for anybody but myself. Not having to compromise. To start over and do life exactly the way I want to do it.

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Now I’ve kind of got that blank slate (for a limited time) without rancor, grief or divorce. It feels as lovely as I’d imagined and nowhere near as lonely. Of course my husband left our Florida home less than a week ago for Michigan, and I’ll see him again in a few months. I’m sure I’ll have my lonely moments. I concocted an ambitious plan of self-improvement to help me stand strong in my newfound freedom. So far, it’s working.

For example, the stubborn door lock to our new home. Some days the key would open it right up. Other days, it stuck. Yesterday was one of the stubborn sticky days. Jiggling the key, I saw a can of WD40 in my mind. I knew just where Al kept it, although he obviously had not gotten around to using it for the lock. Never mind, how hard can it be? I thought. The answer is not very. I gave it a couple of quick squirts and the lock now works like a charm.

I felt a sense of  achievement disproportionate to the action. I texted Al about it. I posted on Facebook as proud as if my latest novel had hit number one on the Amazon chart. My marriage works because we are each comfortable in our own spheres and neither of us treads far into the others’ domain. But now, for the next little while, I will be taking on some Al tasks and he’s back home in Michigan doing the stuff I usually handle.

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I didn’t expect any of this. We found a place we weren’t looking for and entered into a new way of life we’d only vaguely contemplated. The whole thing happened quickly, which is so not our style, but it felt right. The blank slate was a bonus I wasn’t thrilled about at first. Since I retired, I’ve been restless and at loose ends. Also, sometimes, lonely and depressed. I thought that lonely and depressed part would just be worse if I was all alone. But the opposite has happened. At least for now.

Old Florida

[image error]I love color. The problem last week was, we were living in a white house. White walls, white cabinets, white carpet, white doors, white window blinds. We went to the paint store and began the task of coloring our Florida world. I had my original idea of what sort of color and design I wanted to achieve back in Michigan months ago. I would bring my Desert Rose dinnerware and use the dusky rose and moss green colors. I had this idea that I wanted to do an update of the “Old Florida” look, the one I remembered from my grandmother’s and great-grandmother’s houses, the Florida before Disney. The pattern of my dishes was a good starting point, but I have not painted my house dusky pink. We chose sand for the main rooms.

[image error]In the bedroom I was going for an ocean blue, although the one we ended up using was a bit darker than it looked on the little card in the paint store. That was fine, I was getting some color and it made the white that remained pop. There are white sconces in the living room that look awesome with the sand walls. We used a latte color on the baseboards, which had previously been, you guessed it, white. So, house is painted, or most of it. I am reserving the right to paint my tiny kitchen dusky rose. That can be a project for me after Al leaves later this week. Not looking forward to dropping him off at the airport on Thursday. It will be sad because we (usually) have a lot of fun together.

Also this week: finally took delivery of a real bed! I hope to buy a few more pieces before Al leaves (he’s still got a job in Michigan,which is why he’s leaving. My hope is he misses me so much that he retires). I have no idea how I will cope without him for two months. We’ve never even been, in 31 years, apart for two weeks. Here’s an example of the kind of guy I married: I meant to hire a painter but Al said he’d do it. The man is such a worker and he’s meticulous.  The house looks great in color

On the Bayou

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We’ve been here in our new home for a week now and are loving it. We come from a much colder climate in Michigan like many of the “snowbirds” here in Florida. Al will be with me for a few more weeks and he has been great with helping me stock the house. He arranged for WiFi and is going to paint the bedroom tomorrow. We have furniture coming and we’d like to paint the whole place first, but not sure Al will want to tackle the other rooms. Meanwhile I have three sample colors I’m considering for most of the rooms.

I started Julia Cameron’s It’s Never Too Late program. I’ll be here 12 weeks and the course is 12 weeks so I think it will be an excellent anchor, especially after Al returns to Michigan and work. I was able to get a “good enough” draft of the crime novel completed before I left Michigan, so mostly the writing I’m doing now is for the Cameron course. It’s not as difficult as the crime novel was for me … probably because my inner critic doesn’t care about my personal writing. My inner critic only pipes up when she thinks I’m trying to be clever, then she slaps me down.

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And it’s true I was trying to take a leap with the crime novel. Whether I succeed or not is TBD by my publisher. If they print it, I’ll feel I succeeded. Meanwhile, I am letting it sit for awhile in Michigan as I adjust to this new way of life on the Bayou. The library is my favorite room, this is only one shelf of about twenty. I don’t have a bookshelf in the condo yet. After painting is compete, I plan to get one. Or several. And go buy some real books at the bookstore. Meanwhile I have my Kindle and all these books in the library.

Tagged: florida, julia cameron, Retirement, Snowbirds

Hope

[image error]In two days I’m moving to Florida. I’m not packed, just sitting here writing this post in my pajamas. I’ve been sick and my throat is sore from coughing. Everything hurts and I’m out of energy. I lack enthusiasm. I need the sun and warmth of my southern home.

I told Al yesterday that I would like to sell our condo in Michigan and make Florida our permanent residence. He’s still working here in Michigan so we have to keep both houses for now, but I hope in a year or two, if we decide we want to spend part of the year in Michigan, it will be in Traverse City where my grandson lives.

That’s a lot of hope.

Then there’s North Korea. I’ve been worried about North Korea for a long time. Watching the news this morning I see that NK has now miniaturized their ballistic missile which if true means they’d have the capability to drop a nuclear bomb on Seattle or San Francisco. Wait. What? How can this be true?

To my more trivial hopes, I add the deepest prayerful hope that NK will not fuck with the world this way.

 

The Character Who Never Leaves

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I should have known from the minute she elbowed her way into Blue Heaven, acting like she owned the joint, that Lily would be trouble. She was 17 and secretive, a minor character who thought she should have a bigger part. I gave her a love interest, but it turned out she had issues with boys.

I thought I ended Lily’s story at the end of that first book in my Blue Lake series. She was safely away at college in book two, but came barreling back with vengeance on her mind in book three. I had a hard time deciding which of my two female characters would take the lead. I hadn’t meant it to be Lily, but damn that messed up woman was fun to write.

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By the fourth book, even though she left town, her name and her story stole a few scenes. I’d promised her her own book–I even tried to write it–but it was so dark I had to take a mental health break and write a light fun Christmas story. I thought about dumping the Lily chapters I’d started before my most recent release, but my critique group, who have more influence on me than I’d like to admit, would not hear of it.

I’d set myself a challenge with Lily’s story and I needed to see it through. It’s about done now, well at least a workable draft is almost there. But I keep thinking about where and how I want Lily to end up. I want to do right by her. I want to give her the peace she’s been seeking for so long. So I’m taking my time with the denouement. Not that it will be a lot of pages, but it will be the right way to leave this woman, now in  her mid-30s, who I’ve been following for most of her adult life.

It might seem strange to say I’m following a character I created. But that’s what I do. I know some writers would roll their eyes at that. Who’s writing the story, anyway? Well, here’s the truth: it’s me and then it’s not me. It’s a part of myself I only access when I’m writing. It’s where my imagination goes when I get quiet inside and try to keep up with characters like Lily.

Winter Solstice

Happy Solstice Autumn! Yes it’s a beautiful image :))

In The Autumn Of My Life

I wish you all everything you need. This is the time of year to cast out all the negativity from 2016 to make space for all the good stuff coming your way. And a time of peace when we remember those who have suffered or are suffering and send them all our hopes. 

Keep warm, note the things to be grateful for and, above all, try to put it out of your head that your mother-in-law is visiting in a few days…

This Magic Moment

This morning I walked out of the house before dawn, wearing my fluffy bathrobe and fleece lined boots. The air was cold and crisp, the sky full of stars. It was very dark and silent. Nobody was about, just me, fetching the newspaper. The cold on my skin, the cloudless sky, brought a clarity to the moment.

I’m here. Alive. Awake to the moment. I let it sink in, the holy feeling of waking up to see one more sunrise. Thank you, I thought. Then I went inside to make a cup of tea, light the fire, and write in my journal.

From my writing room, I often catch dawn breaking. I wonder today if there will be a place in my new home where I can see the moon rise, the sun set. If there is not, I hope at least I will be able to greet the dawn. Rosy fingered dawn, some ancient writer called it. I want to see it from my new home, where I hope to start a new writing project.

In less than a month, I will have finished the current manuscript I’ve been working on. I’ll set it aside and come back to it fresh when I return this spring from my big adventure: In less than a month, I will have relocated for the winter from my home in Michigan to a new home in Florida. It has been a long time coming.

Four generations of my family have settled in Florida. My great-grandmother moved her family south from Georgia. My grandmother went south again after moving to Detroit when she married. Then my father left Michigan too, following his matriarchal line to Florida. And now I’m going too. I’m moving to the same town on the Gulf of Mexico where my dad lives. And like my dad, I’ll be splitting my time between two states.

Because, like my dad, I am married to someone whose roots are in Michigan. Al will come with me to Florida in January, to help me set up my new home, our new home, but then he’ll return to Michigan for work in the winter cold and snow, while I stay in the sunshine state, settling in.

Al and I have been married 31 years. We’ve never been apart for more than a week. But winter was hard on me last year, hard on my bones and my psyche. I promised myself I would not suffer through it again. And although it is not yet winter on the calendar, this morning I felt the first stirrings of the bitter cold to come. For the first time, knowing winter was on its way did not sink me into despair.

 

Christmas Wishes

Today is the worldwide release of my latest novel for The Wild Rose Press, Blue Lake Christmas Mystery. Writing a Christmas novel has long been a dream of mine and finally last year I did it. There were some surprises along the way, like the dead body at the holiday party. But I cracked on, as my British friend Ali would say, and Blue Lake Christmas turned into Blue Lake Christmas Mystery.

This is the first time my publisher has positioned one of my books in their mystery imprint, which is kind of thrilling as I love reading mysteries as much as Christmas stories. And that’s my advice to anyone who wants to write a book: ask yourself what you love to read, and then write a book like that. Otherwise, it won’t be half the fun.

Tomorrow, in a bit of serendipity that feels like a Christmas blessing, I’ll be at a book signing…at a holiday art and craft fair. I could not have planned it better if I had worked for a year to organize such a happening. I did plan to be at the event, but I had no idea my book would be released in time for the fair.

In another sort of holiday miracle, here I am again after four months of writing my “last post.” :)) Not saying I’m going to be writing every week again, but I do have some pretty exciting adventures ahead in 2017 and I’ve been thinking they’d be fun to blog about.

I’ll be in my new house in Florida for the winter months. Al will join me in January for a few weeks, but then he has to come back to Michigan to work. So I will be on my own entirely until he returns in March. We have only ever been apart for a few days in our 31 years of marriage, so it will be quite a challenge. I rely on him for so much. As he relies on me. So each of us will have to manage on our own for those winter months.

My idea is to write about the highs and lows of that journey, so watch this space.

Meanwhile, happy holidays.

 

 

Tagged: christmas stories, holiday fairs, living alone, moving house

Last Post

I just bought a home in a Florida beach town. I’ve lived in Michigan all my life except for a brief season in Key West when I was on the brink of twenty and recovering from a teenage marriage. I still live in Michigan, as my husband is not yet retired and I very much like living with him. But as Michiganders of a certain age sometimes do, we’re taking a second home to avoid the brutal winters.

Until I can convince Al to retire, he won’t be down south with me as much as I’d like. He does have several weeks’ vacation, so he’ll be there a good chunk of the time. Probably not in February where I will try to console myself with lots of writing time and feathering the new nest. Also a consolation: not having to cook all those suppers and shop for the vast quantities of groceries he makes disappear with alarming regularity.

Still, I’ll miss him when we’re not together.

It feels really strange to have two houses in two states, but strange in a good way, like an exciting adventure. And as one adventure begins, another ends. After fourteen years and 2482 posts (!!!) this is my last one. I started blogging as a way to motivate, understand and identify myself as a writer. I was unpublished and wanted a place to hold the dream of one day being the author of books. So I did what I set out to do and made some good friends along the way. Thank you all for reading. Now on to the next adventure.

Tagged: blogging, florida, Michigan