Peter David's Blog, page 58

Penny-Wise and Pound-Foolish

Originally published May 5, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1381

Penny-wise and pound-foolish.

It’s a term I learned many years ago. What it means is that one is so busy minding every nickel and dime, that one forgets to see the big picture (if one was ever aware that it was there in the first place.)

Once upon a time, Marvel Comics was called “the House of Ideas.” Then everyone started calling it the “Condo of Concepts” (well… I know I did.) Somewhere along the way, the Powers That Be, the Executives, Those Who Watch the Dimes, turned it into a studio, and I don’t mean in the movie sense. A studio as in a studio apartment or an efficiency. The popular slogan of “Make Mine Marvel” has been replaced by “Make Mine Cheaply.”

And it has cost them. Good God, how it has cost them.

Oldest adage of business is, “You have to spend money to make money.” But ever since Ron Perlman first loomed in Marvel’s path, not unlike the iceberg waving “hi” to the Titanic, the ship of state that was once the highest-selling publisher (now neck-and-neck, and sometimes surpassed, by DC) has sailed into and out of bankruptcy. Ron the iceberg has been left behind, but the damage he did remains.

Ever meet someone who was a child during the Great Depression? They have a tendency to hoard. To save everything, from money to bits of string, because you never know where or when you’re going to need it, and you don’t want to let anything slip away. That’s what Marvel’s been doing—at least in the humble opinion of this outsider, who has not been present at any financial meetings or gone over the last several years worth of P&L statements.

I’m not even talking about catastrophically bad business moves like self-distribution, a decision that every single person in the industry knew was a bad one. And I mean everyone. There was no dispute, there was no gray area. Everyone from retailers to distributors to publishers knew that it was a horrendous move. When was the last time you saw anything come up that that many people in this splintered little industry of ours agree upon? The only ones who thought it was a nifty idea were the ones who were actually doing it… and everyone paid the price.

No, I’m talking about the small stuff. The penny ante stuff. The stuff that could have been avoided, or the stuff that should have been undertaken, and wasn’t, and isn’t. From a publicity point of view, Marvel has yet to see a foot that it can’t shoot itself in, and like as not, the reasons are entirely financial.

I’ve already touched on the stupendously bad bottom-lining that has caused Marvel to cancel title after title because the immediate sales weren’t above a certain number. The X-Men, when it was revived, was handled carefully, published bi-monthly and given time to build an audience. If X-Men was first introduced now, it’d be cancelled by issue 8. By adhering to a do-or-die search for immediate profits, the formula-for-disaster that currently rules cancellations has foregone long-term profits. And not just on those titles that they’re dumping which, given time, might have taken off. Instead it’s generated a skepticism on the part of retailers over any new title that Marvel introduces, dissuading them from having any interest in taking ordering chances because they figure they’ll be stuck with back issues of yet-another canceled title.

But now Marvel’s penny-pinching itself in other areas as well.

Back in the old days, for instance, Carol Kalish and I (as sales manager and trusty assistant, respectively) would go from convention to convention, schlepping a Marvel display. It was done on the cheap, but Carol firmly believed in the importance of keeping the Marvel name out there, in front of the fans, retailers, and even the creators who attended the conventions. Not anymore. Fans coming away from the recent Wonder Con were struck by Marvel’s absence. They’ll be struck at other conventions this summer as well, I’ll bet. Marvel should be present at every major con this summer, shouting, “We’re still here, dammit!” The one-time cost of a display (presuming they don’t have one already in place) is amortized over all the cons. The production of artwork to hang is done in-house. Boxes of comics for give-away can easily be acquired from printer overages for next-to-nothing. Airline tickets? For crying out loud, use Priceline.com if you have to. Marvel has got to get in people’s faces. Not only get out there for as many cons as manpower will allow, but publicize its convention schedule. If nothing else, creators who are interested in keeping themselves and their work in the public eye are going to be disinclined to work for a publisher who can’t be bothered to do everything possible to be out in that selfsame public. To say nothing of up-and-coming artists who go around showing their portfolios at conventions, hoping to be the Next Big Thing.

And speaking of Big Things—how about that Jim Steranko thing, huh? Steranko made his ire quite publicly known when Marvel announced a trade edition of his SHIELD stuff, published on a foreign basis so that they wouldn’t have to pay royalties or reprint fees. Within two weeks of Steranko’s letting fans know just how he felt about being stiffed by the House of Ideas (and stiffing Steranko was not one of the better ideas) Marvel announced he’d be paid for his work. Steranko is a legend, and one screws with legends at one’s extreme peril. That’s a lesson that Marvel learned with the Jack Kirby debacle…

And then promptly forgot when it came to Stan Lee.

What were they thinking? What the hell were they thinking? By deciding to save a few bucks in dumping Stan from his exclusive, lifetime contract, they likely patted themselves on the back for ridding themselves of excess baggage and called it a day’s work of penny-pinching well done. As is always the case with the dumper, they failed to note the intrinsic worth of the dumpee. The announcement of Stan Lee working for DC is—no two ways about it—a major black eye for Marvel. If retailers have two nickels’ worth of common sense to rub together, they’ll order big on these, because it’s already getting major media attention based solely on the deal itself and an illustration of the “new” Superman.

The Associated Press said, “It’s the comic book equivalent of Coke executives joining the Pepsi Generation.” Except it’s not. I don’t think Coke executives are generally regarded as men of vision. Whoever it was who first said, “Let’s produce a concoction that could clean rust off a carburetor, make it addictive, and get people to drink it” is long gone. It’s more the comic equivalent of… I dunno… Walt Disney, if he was still alive, being forced out of the company and signing on with Warner Animation. We’re being told that we will see what DC heroes would have been like had Stan worked on them, i.e., if they’d been Marvel characters. In point of fact, we know that already. It was called Green Lantern/Green Arrow, it was written by Denny O’Neill, and it was an angle that continued throughout the 1970s as DC heroes were transformed from stoic archetypes into problem-laden Marvel clones. In modern terms, basically DC is recycling the Tangent Universe concept with Stan’s name attached.

Nevertheless, the announcement of Stan’s alliance with DC was a brilliant move on the parts of all concerned. This is as big, if not bigger, than when Jack Kirby defected to DC. The current undertaking is, of course, not up there with the scope of Kirby’s Fourth World ambitions, but then again, this could be only the beginning of—as Bogey said—a beautiful friendship. If—if? When—this is a success, there may—may? Will—be more Stan/DC projects.

Furthermore, although there’s no denying that Kirby shaped Marvel… Stan was Marvel. The characters and stories that Stan will develop for DC is almost secondary to the personal dynamics of his hooking up with what used to be uncharitably referred to, by the Man himself, as “Brand Echh.” If a comic book company’s intrinsic coolness is defined by whether the Man is associated with it or not, we are left wondering if Marvel itself is now Brand Echh… or, if you will, in deference to the mutant books, Brand X-chh. Marvel must be thanking all the gods there are for the X-Men movie, because as of now that film is its major claim to coolness (and I have to admit the trailers are looking pretty darned sharp.)

Still, the movie was the work of movie executives, not the Marvel braintrust who penny-pinched Marvel’s founding father over to the opposition. Marvel’s business isn’t movies; it’s comics. And if that is not attended to, well…

Marvel has been watching the bottom line, which is fine up to a point. The problem is that a straight line is the shortest distance between two points… and Marvel has forgotten what the point is. The point is not simply, like the damaged Titanic, to stay afloat. It’s to build for a future. If you build the Field of Dreams, they will come. If you don’t build it, they won’t. If one is too obsessed with the present to plan for a future… there won’t be one.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

I-Con 19

Originally published April 28, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1380

This past weekend was I-Con 19, the nineteenth science fiction convention held at the University of Stonybrook in beautiful Long Island. When I first started attending the con back in its earliest days, one small building housed the entire thing. The entirety of the dealer’s room took up exactly one medium-sized classroom. Now the dealer’s room requires the entirety of the gargantuan athletic center, and programming is spread out among three buildings. It’s easily the largest annual convention in the tri-state area, and possibly in the East Coast (although I’m not sure where the attendance figures compare to Dragon*Con.) The downside of “Schlep Con,” as I sometimes refer to it, is that because everything is so spread out it can be, well… something of a schlep.

To say nothing of the fact that it can make scheduling a bit of bear for the programming participants. For instance, I was booked on one panel in one building from three to four PM on Saturday, followed by another panel from four to five in a totally different part of the campus. It’s annoying enough to be late for things under ordinary circumstances. To be blocked into a schedule that absolutely precludes you from being on time (unless you bolt early from another commitment) is extremely irritating. And I can tell you from personal experience that there is nothing quite like I-Con in the rain. There’s nothing better than dashing into a convention with your sneakers squish-squishing from the two inches of water its absorbed in your cross-campus trek.

Fortunately enough we were blessed with sunny skies and pleasant weather this go-around.

Herewith some tales of I-Con:

* * *

I-Con doesn’t just resemble Dragon*Con in terms of size. It’s also the convention that most frequently tends to double-book me, i.e., schedule me opposite myself. This go-around, I was blocked for an 11 AM Saturday panel about writing in other people’s universe while simultaneously being required to be on stage handling the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund auction. I opted for the latter, because I figured the former was fairly obvious: Everyone who writes is writing in someone else’s universe, because the fact is that we are all living in Elvis’ universe. So that’s that.

I was absolutely dreading the auction. The I-Con auction last year was—to use the cliché—pulling teeth. And that was when Harlan Ellison was the auctioneer and I was merely his humble flunky. I’ve never seen so many people sitting on their hands and watching the entertainment without once leaping into the fray. And this year I was flying solo. I do okay at auctions, but I don’t have Ellison’s flay-’em-alive-and-make-’em-love-ya skill.

I arrived at the auction site, which was on one blocked-off section of the athletic center floor where all the main speakers were. Immediately I felt my heart crumbling; attendance was, to say the least, light. There couldn’t have been more than thirty, forty people tops in the stands. Going on the rule-of-thumb that not more than ten percent of the people attending are going to participate, this looked to be absolute torture.

Desperate, I figured, “Okay… these are New Yorkers. New Yorkers respond to two things: Insults and bribery. Let’s go for both.”

So I got up on the platform and said, “I just want you guys to know that we have done these auctions all over the country… down South, on the West Coast, Midwest. And of all the audiences who have attended these auctions, the I-Con audiences have been absolutely the best. The most supportive. The most generous. You’ve been terrific.” Then I paused a beat and said, “April Fool.” (And since it was, in fact April 1, it made sense.) “Actually, I continued, “You guys are the pits. Really. I’ve never seen deader audiences.” And I proceeded to upbraid them for five minutes.

I informed them that, in regards to comics retailers being allowed to carry on their business unmolested, in the words of Indiana Jones’ dad, “Our situation has not improved.” Respect for the First Amendment out there has become so nil, that I cited a recent instance where a woman wanted a retailer to come down in price on a Pokemon card. The retailer wouldn’t do so. Warning him that he was making a mistake… that she had powerful friends, that she knew the “type of stuff” he was selling there, and that he would regret this… she departed vowing revenge. Next thing the retailer knew, he was being arrested and charged with displaying adult material. Understand: He hadn’t sold it to kids. He wasn’t going to sell it to kids. Kids couldn’t even browse it. But because it was in the store, and a woman didn’t like his Pokemon prices, the guy was now up a creek and turning to the CBLDF for help (which we were providing, of course.).

And then, after getting the audience annoyed, I turned around and announced a contest. I was (and am) working on the next Star Trek: New Frontier novel. It’s to be the first ST:NF hardcover, due out in November. In the book, the character of Commander Shelby gets her first command. “She’s going to need a crew,” I told them. The challenge I issued was thus: Everyone who was a winner at that day’s auction would become a crewmember on Shelby’s vessel, the Exeter. Furthermore, rank would be determined by how much money was spent by the individual. The person who spent the most money in the course of the auction would be the second in command. Lowest bidder got to be a quickly disposed of redshirt (i.e., security guard).

Long story short: It worked. The auction raised over $2200 for the CBLDF. Interesting, Naomi Basner of “Friends of Lulu” wasn’t able to stay, but she asked to make a donation to the CBLDF of $1, making her the lowest “winner” and qualifying to be a short life-spanned redshirt. “I just want to die,” she said, which under other circumstances might be considered a cry for help. This being an auction, I took her up on it. I’ll probably drop an anvil on her during a holodeck simulation.

* * *

I combed the dealer’s room in futility looking for, as always, for a “Sailor Moon” toy that I’m not even sure exists. Ariel insists that the character of Chibi wields a “Chibi Bell” that she uses to activate her powers. If one exists as a toy, Ariel—whose main goal in life at this point is to go to Japan and meet Chibi, being (at eight years old) a little unclear as to the problems of animation versus reality—desperately wants one. A survey of the football-field-sized dealer’s room turned up nothing. Anyone out there know anything about this?

At least I made Gwen happy. I found her a CD collection of songs from the long ago (but apparently not forgotten) Jem and the Holograms TV show. Remember that? The one with the song, “Jem is truly outrageous,” written by someone who never cracked a dictionary to see what the word “outrageous” means?

* * *

Single most embarrassing moment for me of the convention: I was standing at a bookseller’s table and this pleasant-looking guy, mid to late 40s, with short dark hair and round glasses, comes up to me and says, “Peter! Hi! How you doing!” I smiled politely, greeted him back, but it was clear in my eyes that I didn’t recognize him. He picked up on it, smiled lopsidedly, and said, “Richard Hatch.” Great. Wonderful. We’ve done half a dozen conventions together, and I watched him back in the Battlestar Galactica days, and I didn’t recognize him.

To make myself feel better, I floated the question on my board on AOL, asking people what the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to them at a convention was. I got a variety of responses, including the following from “Rembert,” describing his experience when he was a department head at the Atlanta Worldcon back in the eighties:

“My first wife was bored and wanted something to do, so I got her a ‘job’ helping check for badges at the dealer’s room. She tried to stop a gray-haired gentleman from getting in without a badge. He was, of course, Ray Bradbury, the con’s Guest of Honor. To commemorate the moment, one of the dealers made her a badge: ‘Bradbury, Shmadbury, you still need a badge.’ Not long after, I found myself single again.”

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

 

Ch-Ch-Changes

Originally published April 21, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1379

“Things were better the way they used to be.”

“Why can’t they leave well enough alone?”

“Why do they have to change everything?”

I’ve been reading that a lot lately in relation to comics… and in relation to me and my humble endeavors. I’ve read it everywhere from message boards to internet columns.

It’s not something that I can deny, of course. My run on Hulk was marked by repeated changes to the character, driving some fans to distraction as they proclaimed that my version of the Hulk was not true to the original character. The response to that, of course, is… what original character would that be? The one who spoke in short but grammatically correct sentences and changed at night? The one who was basically a mute puppet of Rick Jones? The thuggish bruiser who changed because Bruce Banner voluntarily stepped in front of a gamma machine? All versions which occurred in the first six issues alone.

My endeavors on Aquaman were received with vituperation by no less an authority than acclaimed (and rightly so) director Kevin Smith (whose own career has been utterly unmarked by controversy.) The fact that the series was actually being read was, to many, almost beside the point.

As for Supergirl, it would have been easy to transform the series into a virtual clone of the other “S” titles. Very easy. And then I could have spent a few months watching fans complain that she’s not Kara, and why should they buy a book that’s a virtual clone of the core Superman titles when the Superman titles are right there? After which the book would likely be canceled. I knew I couldn’t count on the Superman audience to support it, so I opted to give the series an entirely different tone and style and developed the entire Earthborn angel mythology. I hoped that by developing a separate audience while picking up at least some of the Superman readers, I might help the title survive.

After all, these days that’s the name of the game. It’s not just about creative decisions or entertainment. It’s about pulling in enough readers just to keep yourself, and the title, above water. That’s the job I’m being hired to do. And recently fans of Supergirl celebrated what they felt was a milestone as the current series rolled past the total number of all previous series starring Supergirl combined. Like the song goes, “I’m Still Here.”

Much of the protest is raised by something that publishers never used to take into consideration: Long time fans. Once upon a time, the conventional wisdom was that there was a complete turnaround in readership every four years or so. The notion that there would be readers who would even remember, much less care about, stories that happened ten, twenty, thirty years ago simply didn’t factor in to creative decisions that were made. Naturally I wasn’t privy to those decisions, but I think it’s a fairly safe assumption, considering the way that histories would be blithely reinterpreted (how many totally different races did Mars have, anyway?)

The thing is, what I hear a lot is the “sandbox” theory. The “caretaker” theory is another. That as writers of work-for-hire characters, we are playing with someone else’s toys, so to speak. That we are merely the “caretakers” of these characters and are obligated to treat them, not like people whose lives change, but rather like blister packed action figures whose adventures must ultimately leave them perfect, untouched… mint.

The obvious answer is that, by dint of the fact that the stories appear at all, we’re in violation of neither. After all, the companies own the characters. The editors, the powers that be, are approving publication of the story. Legally, they are the ones whose toys these are. So when I replace Aquaman’s hand with a harpoon, when I transform Supergirl into an Earthborn angel, when Bruce Banner’s personalities are merged into one wise-cracking-but-tormented individual… it’s “okay” because the owners of the properties have approved it.

The problem is that the fans feel they have a proprietary interest. They like the characters just so. And when the characters aren’t that way, why, the person making those changes must be disrespectful. Aquaman used to be a cheerful, short-haired, pleasant guy who chatted with fish and had no problem with the mantle of kingship. Supergirl was a pleasant, naïve cousin of Superman (Superman in a skirt, as some would uncharitably say). Sure, they had been unable to sustain their own titles in those guises, but so what? Why couldn’t Aquaman be just like he was before… so he could be safely cancelled? Why couldn’t Supergirl be Kara Zor-El once again… so she could be ignored and tossed on the dustheap once more?

Fans say it’s disrespectful of the character… but is that really what it’s about? I mean, the fans have to know on some level that this is just fiction, the works just comic books.

Is it disrespectful to the original creators? I don’t think so. Creators understand that change is what stories are all about. Indeed, if a character is adaptable enough to still have something to say to new generations of readers, albeit in different form, that’s a compliment to the character’s versatility, not a slam at the original concept. My God, look at the original incarnation of Batman: A solo and grim vigilante, armed, shooting at criminals, showing not one iota of pity at the death of his enemies. Contrast that to the Batman of barely a decade or so later, sworn off guns, accompanied by Robin and undergoing adventures so far out that they bordered on the hallucinogenic. And are we to feel that the entire Silver Age can fairly be summarized as a massive dissing of the Golden Age as new characters bore the names of old ones?

Face it, guys… it ain’t about the characters, nor is it about the original creators. It’s about you, the fans. More specifically, the fan ego. Because you like the characters the way they are. So if they change, fans feel (I believe) that it’s an insult directed at them and at their taste.

I’ve never been a big fan of retcons precisely because of that, because there’s an implied message that there was something wrong with those stories and, by extension, if you liked them, there’s something wrong with you, too. I’ve tried to avoid doing that myself. I didn’t contradict stories that went on with Aquaman, Supergirl and Hulk before I started on the title (well, not intentionally, at any rate.) I tried to build on what had gone before and go off in a different direction. But for some fans, even that is a transgression, an abomination. The characters “worked” as they were. Why not keep them that way?

Well… because if they are kept that way, they’ll probably cease working. What fans say they want is a very different thing from what they actually want. What you guys actually want is to have your imagination engaged. I know because, hey, I used to be on that side of the fence. When I was reading comics as a fan, I remember the astonishment when Green Arrow changed literally overnight from a pleasant Batman-clone with a sidekick and trick arrows into a bearded, angry activist. Oddly enough, I didn’t know enough to feel outrage (as would surely have been the reaction nowadays.) The entirety of my reaction was, “Cool. This is different. What happens next?”

Change is nothing new to comics. Change is part of comics. Grim Batman becomes Goofy Batman turns into New Look Batman. Kryptonite-Vulnerable-But-Otherwise-Invincible Superman becomes Kryptonite-Gone-But-Less-Powerful Superman. Green Arrow becomes Mean Arrow. Those who are self-appointed defenders of comic book tradition might want to acknowledge that in making changes to characters, modern creators are in fact upholding a genuine tradition of change, rather than adhering to a fan-created mandate of frozen-in-amber status quo. A status quo that evolves, not from any realistic look at the history of comics, but rather an ego-centric view that says, “I like what I like when I like it, and anything that varies from what I like is disrespectful of me.”

Except nothing can be further from the truth. If creators really had no respect for the fans… we’d just give you same-old same-old and figure you won’t care. Coming up with something different is a lot more work than recycling what’s gone before. Fans are entitled to better than rehash.

Come to think of it… when the new version of Green Arrow showed up… if he’d lost his hand and had it replaced with a bow, that’d have been even better…

(Peter David, writer of stuff can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Best of The Incredible Hulk TV show, part 2

Originally published April 7, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1377

As I mentioned last week, the noble But I Digress readers were instrumental in helping select the episodes of The Incredible Hulk TV series for the Columbia House “Best of” tape collection. Herewith the rest of the selections that made the cut.

TAPE 6– #50108 “747″

#53016 “My Favorite Magician”

The number of actors who have sustained even two (much less three) can be counted on the fingers on the one hand. In this installment of the “Best of the Incredible Hulk,” we’ve decided to highlight two of the episodes which team up one of those rare few, Bill Bixby, with co-stars from his past endeavors.

One might write off “747″ as a typical “plane-in-trouble” episode, when a botched theft of a King Tut exhibit results in a drugged flight crew, forcing Dr. David Banner (Bixby) to step in and land the jeopardized plane. Two major elements, however, elevate the oft-seen scenario. The first is the presence of Brandon Cruz, Bixby’s co-star in “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father,” in the co-pilot seat. And the second, of course, is that no other reluctant pilot has ever had to worry about “Hulking Out” under stress. Cruz eventually left acting, moving into such fields as animation (an assistant editor on South Park) and music (with his band, “Dr. Know.”)

Not only does “My Favorite Magician” re-unite Bixby with Ray Walston, his My Favorite Martian co-star, but the title itself in-jokingly harkens to Bixby’s underrated and regrettably short-lived dramatic series, The Magician (which developed a loyal following, but unfortunately not high enough numbers to satisfy the ratings gods.) In this episode, Banner finds himself helping an aged and ailing vaudevillian magician who is seeking to reunite with his old love—on the eve of her wedding to a con man. In addition to Walston, who would go on to win an Emmy for his work in Picket Fences, the guest cast includes Robert Alda (a distinguished movie actor and father to actor Alan Alda) and Scatman Crothers,” known for his work in numerous sitcoms as well as Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining.

Think of this installment of “The Best of The Incredible Hulk” as a tribute to Bixby’s remarkable and rare popularity as a TV performer.

TAPE 7– #53027 “Broken Image”

#55431 “King of the Beach”

The Incredible Hulk is oddly unique in TV series history in that its three lead actors (Bill Bixby, Lou Ferrigno, and Jack Colvin) almost never had scenes together. The two episodes collected here are among the very few that actually give the co-stars a chance to co-star.

“Broken Image” turns on Banner’s startling resemblance to criminal Mike Cassidy (also Bixby, of course), who is setting up Banner as a decoy so that he, Cassidy, can make a clean getaway. (Note the in-joke at one point to The Six Million Dollar Man, an earlier series by producer Kenneth Johnson.)

It’s a tribute to Bixby’s acting talent that he manages to convince us that Cassidy and Banner are two different people… particularly impressive considering the limits of split-screen at the time. Curiously, Bixby and Ferrigno don’t actually have a face-to-face scene in this episode, although we do get to see a desperate Banner try to avoid detection by McGee by convincing the confused reporter that he’s actually Cassidy.

But “King of the Beach” doesn’t stint in giving Bixby and Ferrigno a chance to emote opposite one another as Ferrigno acquits himself well in his first-ever speaking role. In “Beach,” Ferrigno is deaf restaurant worker Carl Molino (a decidedly un-green Ferrigno) who resolves to enter a body building contest so he can use the prize money to open his own cafe. Karen Harris’ deftly written script incorporates key aspects of Ferrigno’s own background. Ferrigno suffered a 75% hearing loss at age three due to illness. Despite the fact that lessons in speech and lip reading enabled him to communicate, classic ninety-pound weakling Ferrigno was still widely teased by other kids… until he took up body building. These real-life aspects give the story a unique verisimilitude… to say nothing of the riotous moment when the Hulk unwittingly finds himself in the body building contest, being greeted with wild applause instead of screams!

TAPE 8– #53049 “Prometheus” (Part 1)

“53050 “Prometheus” (Part 2)

This is it: The single most popular episode in the entire run of the series, “Prometheus” kicked off the series’ fourth season with writer/director/producer Kenneth Johnson demonstrating that he knew how to give viewers a rousing good time. Not to mention a visually arresting time: One of the most surreal moments in the early Hulk comic series was when the Hulk temporarily found himself stuck in his muscled green body, but sporting the head of his alter ego, Dr. Banner. “Prometheus” reverses the concept to tremendous effect.

While aiding a newly-blinded woman (Laurie Prange) in coping with her handicap, David Banner (Bill Bixby) winds up with even bigger problems when radiation from a fallen meteor traps him in mid-transformation. (That look of panic in Banner’s face might not have been acting. Just imagine his realizing that he had to wear those blasted contact lenses for practically two whole episodes.) Captured by the army under the mistaken belief that he’s an extra-terrestrial, Banner must escape from their clutches while avoiding the implacable pursuit of reporter Frank McGee (Jack Colvin.)

Although a heavily made-up Bixby was used to convey Banner’s transitional state for close-ups, actor Ric Drasin stepped in for the medium and far shots to convey a being who physically was somewhere between Banner and the Hulk. Also featured in the guest cast are accomplished character actors Monte Markham and Whit Bissell (whose credits are literally too numerous to list.) The name “Prometheus” harkens back to the Titan of myth who brought fire—and hence, advancement—to humanity. The gods, angered by his indiscretion, punished him by tying him down and allowing various birds of prey flying in to devour his body at will, only to have his body heal itself so that the

suffering could begin anew. Considering the grief that David Banner has suffered in seeking knowledge and advancement—and the pain that he has endured, only to have it happen again and again—the episode is aptly named.

TAPE 9– #53014 “Homecoming”

#53011 “The Snare”

In the majority of the adventures of The Incredible Hulk, David Banner (Bill Bixby) finds himself embroiled in someone else’s difficulties, helping them out of their problems while trying to keep his emerald other identity under wraps. In these two installments, however, Banner finds himself squarely in the emotional heart of the first episode, and squarely in the sights of someone who is gunning for him in the second.

In “Homecoming,” Banner returns home, realizing that he “can’t spend another Thanksgiving alone.” Flabbergasted by the unexpected return of a family member thought dead for three years are his sister (Diana Muldaur, a veteran actress whose credits range from Star Trek to L.A. Law), and father (John Marley). In the comic books, Dr. Banner’s mother is dead and his father was abusive. Although Banner’s mother is likewise dead in the TV version, in “Homecoming” his (non-abusive but still estranged) father is a struggling farmer, battling against threats from both insects and humans who would put him out of business. Interesting bit to look for: A dream sequence recycles footage from a nightmare in the Hawaii-based episode “Married,” evidenced by the fact that Banner is wearing a lei in the dream.

The classic 1932 film, The Most Dangerous Game, in which nutso hunter “Count Zaroff” arranges for a group of shipwrecked people to serve as prey in his private stalking grounds, has inspired a number of similarly themed stories in television, ranging from episodes of Fantasy Island to Gilligan’s Island. But rarely has it been done with greater panache than in “The Snare.” Tracking down Banner (and the Hulk) in his private game preserve is equally nutso hunter Michael Sutton, played by Bradford Dillman (The Mephisto Waltz, Sudden Impact.). A superior episode in that not only do we have the opportunity to see Banner’s brilliance turned to something more mundane than physics (namely surviving from minute to minute), but ultimately we are reminded that sometimes even the most human looking of individuals can be monsters without benefit of gamma radiation.

TAPE 10– #55422 “The First” (Part 1)

#55435 “The First” (Part 2)

In comic books, there’s been any number of opponents who were capable of going toe-to-toe with the green goliath known as the Incredible Hulk. In the TV series, however, the emphasis has always been on human drama, with the occasional bullying thugs tossed in for the purpose of getting David Banner (Bruce Bixby) angry enough to get big and green. From a story and tone point of view (to say nothing of budget considerations), the Hulk remained the only superstrong player in his little universe.

Although this status changed in subsequent Hulk movies (as such Marvel mainstays as Thor and Daredevil were introduced), “The First” was actually the first time that the Hulk was faced with an opponent big enough to give him a real challenge and cause some major property damage.

Legends of another Hulk-like being from decades earlier results in Banner’s investigating the research of a long-dead scientist… research that not only led to the creation of another creature, but to a possible cure for Banner’s own condition. However, it turns out that the late scientist’s assistant, Dell Frye (Harry Townes) was actually the creature in question, and has been waiting years to unleash once again the beast within him (which curiously looks like a cross between the Hulk and Jack Nicholson, sporting Don King’s hair.)

Minor casting amusement: One of the creature’s first victims is played by an actor named Jack Magee… not to be confused with reporter “Jack McGee.” McGee (Jack Colvin) is also on hand in this episode, and a nice bit of continuity occurs when McGee confronts Frye and—believing him to be the Hulk—addresses him as “John Doe,” the name he knew him by back in the “Mystery Man.”

Of greater casting interest is that Frye’s enraged other half is portrayed by Dick Durock, the only actor who has as much experience as Lou Ferrigno in playing large green comic book heros: Durock has appeared as Swamp Thing in both feature film and television incarnations of the swamp-dwelling DC character.

So that’s the “Best of” The Incredible Hulk, a TV series that I now have a lot more fondness for than I used to. Coming soon: The Best of Bewitched. I figure I’ll probably select that episode were Endora cast a spell on Darren, but Samantha made it seem like it was actually an advertising campaign. You remember the one.

 

Best of The Incredible Hulk TV show, part 1

Originally published March 31, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1376

Again, we’re falling into the realm of short-term memory problems, but it suddenly occurs to me (hopefully accurately) that I never followed up on the open request for favorite episodes of the Hulk that I gave to you, the readers.

If you’ll recall, some time back Columbia House video approached me. The reason: They wanted me to oversee the selection of a “Best of” collection for the old Incredible Hulk TV series. Now I’ve seen a number of “Best of” tapes for other TV series and always thought the same thing you probably did: “Gee, I wish they’d asked me.” So I took the opportunity to do exactly that by offering to hear whatever input you folks wanted to offer. The final list was a combination of some Columbia House mandates (such as the pilot), reader input, plus my own preferences. Since the set provides two episodes to a tape, I tried to provide episodes with some sort of thematic link. For instance, I linked “747” with “My Favorite Magician” on the same tape—even though “Magician” wasn’t a large vote-getter—because both of them featured former co-stars of Bill Bixby (Brandon Cruz of The Courtship of Eddie’s Father and Ray Walston from My Favorite Martian. Not to mention that the title itself was a reference to Bixby’s unfortunately short-lived series, The Magician.)

So for all of you who are interested, herewith a list of the “Best of The Incredible Hulk.” I didn’t incorporate every single preference of any one reader, but there was such a consensus on so many of the episodes that, for the most part, I think I did hit a majority of everyone’s wish list.

TAPE 1– “The Incredible Hulk (Part 1)

“The Incredible Hulk (Part 2)

“Within each of us there dwells a deep and raging fury.” With those cautionary words, producer Kenneth Johnson launched the TV incarnation of Marvel Comics’ “The Incredible Hulk.” As created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, the Hulk was a rampaging behemoth, the alter ego of Dr. Bruce Banner, on the run from the army, capable of juggling tanks and laughing off bazooka shells. Johnson “humanized” the Hulk, bringing him down to a more vulnerable (and budget-efficient) scale to make him more accessible to the non-comics fan. He also crafted a “lost love” tale as heartsick Dr. David Banner, angst-ridden over failing to rescue his trapped wife during a fatal car crash, sought both rationalization and absolution as he tried to learn why others–but not he—found the strength to saved loved ones in similar situations. His quest unlocked more than he bargained for.

TAPE 2– “Death in the Family” (Part 1)

“Death in the Family” (Part 2)

The two-part “Death in the Family” is Bill Bixby’s second outing as the tortured Dr. David Bruce Banner, whose unbridled fury unleashes the green behemoth known as the Incredible Hulk.

This time out, Banner this time stumbled upon the predicament of young Julie Griffith (Laurie Prange.) Crippled since the accident that caused the death of her father, Julie was under the watchful care of her stepmother, Margaret (Dorothy Tristan.) However, the reputation of stepmothers everywhere was about to take another hit, as Banner realized that Julie’s supposed caretakers were actually killing her… and not with kindness. Unable to find any allies, Banner was forced to take matters into his own sizeable green hands, as both Banner and Julie found that they had to overcome their personal afflictions if they were to have any hope of surviving.

TAPE 3–”Married” (Part 1)

“Married” (Part 2)

It’s an all-too-familiar TV formula: Our hero encounters the love of his life and they marry. But since she’s a guest star, you know that their love is doomed.

Series developer Kenneth Johnson twisted and pretzeled the formula for his two part “Married” (which he also directed), and the result is one of the two most popular episodes in the history of The Incredible Hulk.

“Married” kicked off the series’ second season with a bang as David Banner traveled to Hawaii to seek the aid of Dr. Caroline Fields (Mariette Hartley), whose pioneering efforts in hypnotism might have enabled Banner to keep his rampaging alter ego in check. But Caroline had problems of her own: She herself was terminally ill. The pair of doctors worked together, and their mutual aid society blossomed into a union as starcrossed as anything Rome and Juliet ever experienced.

Bill Bixby turned in one of his best performances, particularly moving in a scene where—through a folktale—he explained the necessity of appreciating joy even in the face of certain doom. Mariette Hartley won a Best Actress Emmy for her performance in this two-parter. This episode also provided one of the few times when Bixby and Lou Ferrigno actually appeared together, in a “mindscape” confrontation echoed in later comics stories (they would also work together in “King of the Beach.”)

TAPE 4– “Another Path”

“The Disciple”

When is a two-parter not a two-parter? When it consists of these two episodes, placed several seasons apart but unique in the history of The Incredible Hulk in that they are the only two to feature a recurring character other than Banner, the Hulk, and the ever-persistent Jack McGee.

David Banner (Bill Bixby) met, and then revisited, an aged martial arts expert whose teachings might finally have presented the tortured doctor with the means of controlling his emerald alter-ego. In their first encounter, Banner found himself in the midst of a clan war that threatened the authority and power of his newfound friend—and possible mentor—Li Sung. In the gripping follow-up, the ailing Li Sung had a successor in mind–a cop named Michael Roark who has just lost his policeman father in a shootout. However, Roark had to battle not only his own thirst for revenge, but that of his brother, if he had any hope of being a worthy “disciple” to Li Sung’s teachings. The theme throughout both parts was learning control and inner discipline, in the hope that mental teachings could help Banner where scientific teachings had failed.

TAPE 5– “Mystery Man” (Part 1)

“Mystery Man” (Part 2)

It had to happen. After two seasons of fruitlessly pursuing the Incredible Hulk, Jack McGee—

a reporter with no deadlines, one story to pursue, and an apparently bottomless expense account—

finally comes face-to-face with the man he didn’t even know he’d been chasing.

David Banner’s track record with automobiles was abysmal, and it didn’t improve at the top of this episode as a car crash resulted in a case of amnesia. Johnny-on-the-spot as always, McGee (Jack Colvin) offered to bring the heavily bandaged (and thus unrecognizable Banner) to an amnesia expert, chartering a plane to expedite matters. But Banner’s luck with small planes was as lousy as with cars. They crash landed, and an injured McGee found his life depended upon the man whose life he has unknowingly plagued for two years. Banner found his attention torn between McGee’s deteriorating condition (including a possibly gangrenous leg), a raging forest fire, and his own tattered shreds of memory.

Even casual fans, when queried about their favorite episodes, say, “Be sure to include the one with the bandaged Banner and the forest fire”… and so I did.

The rest of the “winners” next time, including the single most popular episode of The Incredible Hulk… well… ever, I guess.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Revised “Artful” cover

Here is the finalized version (sans title) of Douglas Smith’s marvelous ARTFUL cover. From this he’ll be going on to do the color version. Meanwhile enjoy this:

Giving fans something to complain about

Originally published March 24, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1375

I’ve been doing this column for nigh unto a decade now, and I’ve come to the startling realization that I’ve been going about it all wrong.

What I write doesn’t matter. What people think I’ve written, that’s the important thing.

I’ve experienced this on-and-off over the years, because I never know which things I write are going to set people off. I’ve scribed opinions in these pages that I thought would get a rousing response, and instead there was dead silence. I’ve tossed off throwaway comments that I thought were mild and they resulted in a cavalcade of angry letters.

But what I have noticed is the tendency for people to ascribe thoughts and notions to things that I’ve said, or even change them completely for the purpose of getting upset.

This was brought home for me recently when a thread was begun on Usenet entitled, “PAD is Anti-Catholic??” Considering that my girlfriend is Catholic, this is a sentiment that is right up there with the time that some folks decided I was anti-Semitic. What was most striking to me, however, was one poster stating, “Well, PAD did recently say in a BID column that Christ was ‘likely mythological.’ That may not be a direct quote, but it is close.”

Except it wasn’t close. The original quote was:

But for the average Jew, what can we count on for the day where the country which mandates a separation between church and state shuts down offices (including all government ones) in order to celebrate the (most likely mythical) birthday of a noted religious figure?

Obviously I was saying that the birthday was mythical, and many Biblical scholars concur that the “noted religious figure” of Jesus was probably not born on the day that corresponds to December 25 (if nothing else, the odds are one in 365.) The phrasing itself should have made it obvious, and it was also pointed out in “Oh So” when a reader complained.

But all that was remembered for the purpose of the posting (not to mention several subsequent comments) was the notion that I had said Jesus was mythical, which somehow further implied that I didn’t like Catholics (or any Christian, I guess.) Someone finally did point out the truth of what I’d written, but in the meantime there were assorted messages treating the misquote as truth.

All of which led me to realize that I’ve been wasting my time and the readers’ time. Instead of writing something relatively straightforward and having it misinterpreted to occasionally ludicrous extremes, I should just cut straight to the chase, as it were. Write stuff that is completely over the top, because if that’s what people are going to say I wrote, I might as well do it and really give them something to complain about.

For instance:

You know all those times when I’ve advocated crackdowns on guns? Well, I was wrong. Dead wrong. The recent events in Flint, Michigan have made that clear. Just as the response to speech should be more free speech, the response to armed children should clearly be more armed children.

The profile that has been constructed of the young shooter has made it sound as if a life of crime was inevitability. The thing is, he could have grown up without anyone fully knowing the direction he was likely to head. Consequently, by the time he reached adulthood, he might have been able to catch people off guard. “It’s always the quiet ones.” “He seemed so nice.” How many times have we heard that refrain?

Thanks, however, to a society that facilitated his getting his hands on a loaded gun, we now know at age six that the kid was an accident waiting to happen. Oh, sure, a little girl is dead. But think of all the potential future victims whose lives have been spared since we now know the boy is dangerous. So he can be handled in the manner appropriate to my newfound worldview: He can be sent to Texas and executed.

I’m telling you, why should we wait? Guns don’t kill people, after all. People kill people. But the average child is going to have trouble annihilating his classmates without .32 caliber assistance, and we’ll all have to wait until he’s a more troublesome adult to learn about his proclivities. So we need to provide more temptation, not less. Make guns easily available so that, if a child is so anti-social that he’s ready, willing and able to cap a playmate, we know now. Granted, some children will die in the process. But hey, omelets and eggs, y’know?

Speaking of criminals, here in New York, an unarmed suspect (and known drug dealer) was shot and killed. The neighborhood was in an uproar, and one citizen demanded, “When is this going to stop?”

Well, gee, maybe it’ll stop when people stop breaking the law. Hello? Is the message getting through? Welcome to New York where, if you find yourself running up against the police, you’re going to get a bullet or two or fifty in the brain. If you don’t want to get shot by the police, then here’s two wacky ideas: First, don’t commit crimes which could give them an excuse to shoot you, and second, don’t hang out in places such as crack houses where police are likely to show up and shoot you.

It’s time we stopped being soft on crime, coddling criminals and giving them the impression that they have a right to complain just because the price of resisting arrest or selling drugs is execution by firing squad.

In fact… I’ve an even better idea.

Round up all the six-, seven-, and eight-year-olds who have proven to be good shots with an utter lack of care for human life and send them in, armed, against addicts, pushers and criminals. How many times have we heard that the schoolyards are dens of temptation? No longer. What pusher is going to try and scare up business in the nation’s schools if he’s worried that one of the kids is going to whip out a .32 and blow the pusher’s face off? And then there’s the crack houses. No more clumsy and risky police raids. Instead send in an army of armed kiddies and tell them to shoot anything that moves. Oh, sure, the crack dealers might try to shoot back, but six-year-olds aren’t easy targets. A kevlar vest would serve as a head-to-toe protection, and their small stature should do the rest in terms of maximizing safety.

Guns. Guns and violence and homicidal kids. These are the keys to a safer, healthier, and better America.

I’ve seen the light.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. I hear they’re casting about for a Canadian to perform “Blame Canada” at the Oscars. To my mind, only one individual, whose song stylings are legendary, can do justice to the song: William Shatner. Note to the Academy: Get on this immediately.)

 

“Artful” cover–work in progress

I thought you might be interested in this rough sketch of the cover for “Artful” which will be coming out this summer from Amazon Books. The cover is by Douglas Smith, the marvelous artist who has done, among other things, the covers for the “Wicked” books. The full title for the book is: ARTFUL: Being the Heretofore Secret History of that Unique Individual, The Artful Dodger, Hunter of Vampyres (Amongst Other Things). You can order it now, believe it or not.

Assorted Things

Originally published March 17, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1374

Assorted things…

* * *

Catherine Zeta-Jones announced that, when she marries Michael Douglas, she would be changing her name to Catherine Zeta-Douglas. What a crying shame that she didn’t hook up with a guy whose last name is Beam. Then she could be Catherine Zeta-Beam, giving endless amusement to Adam Strange fans everywhere.

For those who actually keep track of my adventures on stage, I am currently in a “day rep” production of 1776, performing the character of Richard Henry Lee. It’s a great gig: I show up in scene two, sing the best song in the show, and by the end of scene three (halfway through the show) I go off to become the governor of Virginia and am not seen again for the rest of the show. So basically after an hour I can take off and get back to work if I’m particularly busy.

Day rep means that it’s specifically designed for school groups. That can prove to be an extremely treacherous endeavor, particularly when one gets to dicey subject matter. As we did last year, for instance, we’ve had to trim out all profanity. Understand, there’s nothing stronger than “hell” or “damn” in the script, but all those had to go. During one performance an entire group was actually escorted out by the teachers during the reading of one dispatch from “General Washington” which described “whoring, drinking and naked bathing in the Raritan River” as common pastimes for the disorganized and rambunctious Continental Army.

And yet it’s nice to know that, when it comes down to the important stuff, the kids pay attention. At the end of every performance there’s a question and answer session with the schools (ages ranging from fifth grade up to about tenth.) Sometimes I hang out for it, depending on my mood and workload that day.

And at the end of one of our very earliest performances, a kid raised his hand and queried, “Why did America fight the Revolution?” Understand: The whole show is about that. Such problems as Britain stifling trade, burning the towns, spilling blood, applying crippling taxes, abolishing rights… all these and more are mentioned specifically. Went right past him. The temptation was to tell the kid that we were going to make him stay so that we could perform the entire show again, just for him, and this time he’d have to pay attention.

One wonders how teachers ever manage to get kids to learn anything at all. I mean, my God, how many times does something have to be said, how carefully does it have to be spelled out, just to get them to retain anything?

My seventh grade English teacher used to complain about that all the time. She had something really unique and pithy to say about it. Not that I remember, of course.

I’m kidding. Actually, my seventh grade English teacher only said one memorable thing to me in the entirety of that class. I did a story as a creative writing assignment about a guy being haunted, and at one point I wrote, “The grim specter floated across the room toward him.”

And she circled the word and took a point off for it. I asked why. She said, “You shouldn’t be using words you don’t know.” Peter the comic book fan said, “It’s just another word for ‘ghost.’ ” She blinked and, even as I realized she didn’t actually know what the word meant, she said briskly, “A seventh grader shouldn’t be using such complicated words.”

God, I loved public school.

I actually had better luck when I was in high school. In eleventh grade, in English class (different teacher, luckily) the teacher made a passing reference to the work of John Milton, specifically Paradise Lost. She commented, “There’s the famous words of Lucifer as he was banished from Paradise… ‘Better to reign in Hell…’” Then she hesitated, suddenly unsure, and she said, “Wait… is that right…?”

From the back of the room, I piped up, “Yes, that’s right.” This drew a laugh from my classmates, who figured I was just being a smart aleck. The laughter immediately ceased as I calmly supplied the entire quote: “Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.” Dead silence. The teacher beamed and said, “Thank you, Peter!” The kids, all of whom now thought that I read Milton in my leisure time, were most impressed. I wasn’t about to cop to the fact that I’d gotten it from the Star Trek episode “Space Seed.”

Boy, did I wind up off track.

In any event, my next theatrical endeavor—for those who live in the area of Commack, Long Island—will be in a community theater production of Man of La Mancha at the Commack YMHA in May. I’ve been cast as Sancho, the squire of Don Quixote, described in the script as “short, rotund, suspicious and pragmatic.” Yes, that’s right: I’m playing myself. I was thinking of holding out for the role of Aldonza, the kitchen slut, but I figured I was kind of a long shot for that. Maybe next time.

* * *

Folks are asking what my summer convention schedule is like. At this point I’m only confirmed at two spring/summer conventions: The Pittsburgh Comic Con at the end of April, where Dark Horse is flying me out to promote Spyboy, and Dragon*Con in July. I keep threatening my girlfriend, Kathleen the warrior princess, that I’m going to arrange for us to get married at Dragon*Con as part of the programming.

* * *

Interesting attention that comics have been getting on TV lately. On Malcolm in the Middle, you know that one kid is exceedingly bright because he collects Image Comics (including Youngblood #1, spoken of in hushed and reverent tones.) Meantime in a very special Elseworlds edition of Friends, Chandler is pursing and achieving a goal of writing for Archie Comics. On the other hand, there was one recent series that had comic book fans being synonymous with lovers of porn. So it’s two steps forward, one back.

* * *

Tamper with the affections of my loved ones and your own peril.

My sister was going with a guy who dumped her. So I had a horrible fate befall him in one of my Star Trek novels, a death so gruesome that Paramount had to order it be toned down.

Well, my middle daughter, Gwen, just got her heart broken. So she came to me and said, “Daddy… could you have something really horrible happen in a comic book to a guy with the same name as my ex-boyfriend?” I smiled and said, “Sure, honey.” And something truly horrible will indeed happen to someone with the same name as her ex-boyfriend… because Gwen wants it that way. If you can’t be vindictive for your kids, who can you be vindictive for?

* * *

I haven’t issued a reader challenge in a while, so here goes: I am inspired by the recent TV series, So You Want to Marry a Millionaire? I am turning over to you, the gentle reads of BID, the question: “So You Want to Marry a Super-being?” I’m even gonna let you be specific. Tell us which superhero, superheroine, supervillain or supervillainess, you’d like to marry and why. Unlike the TV series, I can’t promise an actual marriage… unless someone wants to marry Captain Marvel, Supergirl or one of the members of Soulsearchers and Company, in which case I’ll see what I can do.

Oh, and ladies (and, for that matter, guys to whom it would apply) let’s not bother to say that you want to marry Mr. Fantastic OR Elongated Man OR Plastic Man for the obvious reason, okay?

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

Okay, let’s Superbowl blog!

Here we go after the jump.

Beats Pill: Huh?

Kindle Fire: I have a Nook, so…

A Million Ways: Okay, I may check that out. And I only thought Ted was so-so.

Captain America: I know where I’M gonna be on April 4. That film is gonna rock.

Metlife: Am I the only person in the world who hates that the Peanuts characters promote Metlife?

Noah: “The Untold Story?” Pretty sure it’s been told a few times.

McDonalds: Okay, what the hell was that about? A McDonalds commercial without any actual product? Uh, okay.

Fusion: Okay, that was funny, watching James Franco “become” Rob Riggle. Still not planning to buy a Fusion, but I’ll certainly go see Franco’s next movie.

Bud Light: Ookay…this sounds interesting.

Maserati: Not sure I get what that commercial was about. I mean, yeah, it’s a car commercial, and I liked the little narrator, but I’m still unclear on what they were saying.

Doritos: I love Doritos commercials and that’s no exception.

Chevrolet: That was kind of funny. Wasn’t sure about it for a while since I wasn’t seeing the romantic attraction of a bull.

Need for Speed: I thought it was another “Fast and Furious” movie.

TurboTax: I won’t be using it, but thanks to the narrator’s voice, now I want to see “Wreck It Ralph.”

Bud Light: I don’t drink beer, but that almost makes me want to start.

Beats Music: I’m not tempted to take advantage of Beats music, but I’ll watch an episode of “Ellen.”

US: Well, Kath is immediately logging onto iTunes for the free song. Let’s see if it crashes the app.

Cheerios: Ah yes. This is the interracial family that has some conservatives bitching.

Radio Shack: Okay, THAT was great. It really was the 80s. I may actually check out Radio Shack where I haven’t been in years.

Chevrolet: That was most depressing car commercial I’ve ever seen.

Accord Sport: Eh.

T-Mobile: That was funny.

Transformers: Dragons? Really? That sounds interesting. I wonder why I’m not doing a novelization.

Volkswagon: Okay, I wanna be a German engineer.

Pistachios: Sorry, Stephen. Love you but don’t like pistachios.

Spider-Man: It’s a Marvel movie year this year.

Carmax: Love the clapping bear.

M&Ms: That was funny. Hey, did you know that JK Simmons, J. Jonah Jameson himself, is the voice of the Yellow M&M?

Coke: Boy, we’re getting a lot of commercials with patriotic songs in them. Can’t say I’m too thrilled about that.

Highlander: That’s it. I want a Highlander.

Bud Light: They’re trying to make Bud a craft beer, which it’s not.

Cherokee: I still want a Highlander.

Seinfeld: I’m definitely going to put on Comedians in Cars Drinking Coffee. Not right now.

Go Pro: THAT was cool. I’ve no clear idea what Go Pro is, but it was cool.

Mazda: Why have all the car commercials except VW and Highlander been so freaking boring?

Scientology: SERIOUSLY?

Audi 3: Finally, another funny car commercial.

T-Mobile: I’m starting to wish someone would give Tebow a contract.

Ax Peace: So body spray all lead to world peace. I can get behind that.

Chobani: Cute commercial with Mandy Patinkin narrating it. I had no idea people of that level needed to do a national commercial.

Kia: Boy, if you’ve never seen “The Matrix,” that commercial made NO sense.

Heinz: Cute.

Honda: And now Bruce Willis? Christ, how much are they paying these guys?

Budweiser: That was nice.

This isn’t commercial related, but Jesus Christ–can the Broncos just refuse to come out for the 4th quarter?

Detroit: Really? A whole commercial to tell us what a great city Detroit, which has fallen completely apart, is because it makes cars? Good luck.

Time Warner cable: I love the True Blood appearance. We can’t get TW cable, but the commercial was fun.

Coke: Adrian goes long. Very very long.