Giving fans something to complain about

Originally published March 24, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1375

I’ve been doing this column for nigh unto a decade now, and I’ve come to the startling realization that I’ve been going about it all wrong.

What I write doesn’t matter. What people think I’ve written, that’s the important thing.

I’ve experienced this on-and-off over the years, because I never know which things I write are going to set people off. I’ve scribed opinions in these pages that I thought would get a rousing response, and instead there was dead silence. I’ve tossed off throwaway comments that I thought were mild and they resulted in a cavalcade of angry letters.

But what I have noticed is the tendency for people to ascribe thoughts and notions to things that I’ve said, or even change them completely for the purpose of getting upset.

This was brought home for me recently when a thread was begun on Usenet entitled, “PAD is Anti-Catholic??” Considering that my girlfriend is Catholic, this is a sentiment that is right up there with the time that some folks decided I was anti-Semitic. What was most striking to me, however, was one poster stating, “Well, PAD did recently say in a BID column that Christ was ‘likely mythological.’ That may not be a direct quote, but it is close.”

Except it wasn’t close. The original quote was:

But for the average Jew, what can we count on for the day where the country which mandates a separation between church and state shuts down offices (including all government ones) in order to celebrate the (most likely mythical) birthday of a noted religious figure?

Obviously I was saying that the birthday was mythical, and many Biblical scholars concur that the “noted religious figure” of Jesus was probably not born on the day that corresponds to December 25 (if nothing else, the odds are one in 365.) The phrasing itself should have made it obvious, and it was also pointed out in “Oh So” when a reader complained.

But all that was remembered for the purpose of the posting (not to mention several subsequent comments) was the notion that I had said Jesus was mythical, which somehow further implied that I didn’t like Catholics (or any Christian, I guess.) Someone finally did point out the truth of what I’d written, but in the meantime there were assorted messages treating the misquote as truth.

All of which led me to realize that I’ve been wasting my time and the readers’ time. Instead of writing something relatively straightforward and having it misinterpreted to occasionally ludicrous extremes, I should just cut straight to the chase, as it were. Write stuff that is completely over the top, because if that’s what people are going to say I wrote, I might as well do it and really give them something to complain about.

For instance:

You know all those times when I’ve advocated crackdowns on guns? Well, I was wrong. Dead wrong. The recent events in Flint, Michigan have made that clear. Just as the response to speech should be more free speech, the response to armed children should clearly be more armed children.

The profile that has been constructed of the young shooter has made it sound as if a life of crime was inevitability. The thing is, he could have grown up without anyone fully knowing the direction he was likely to head. Consequently, by the time he reached adulthood, he might have been able to catch people off guard. “It’s always the quiet ones.” “He seemed so nice.” How many times have we heard that refrain?

Thanks, however, to a society that facilitated his getting his hands on a loaded gun, we now know at age six that the kid was an accident waiting to happen. Oh, sure, a little girl is dead. But think of all the potential future victims whose lives have been spared since we now know the boy is dangerous. So he can be handled in the manner appropriate to my newfound worldview: He can be sent to Texas and executed.

I’m telling you, why should we wait? Guns don’t kill people, after all. People kill people. But the average child is going to have trouble annihilating his classmates without .32 caliber assistance, and we’ll all have to wait until he’s a more troublesome adult to learn about his proclivities. So we need to provide more temptation, not less. Make guns easily available so that, if a child is so anti-social that he’s ready, willing and able to cap a playmate, we know now. Granted, some children will die in the process. But hey, omelets and eggs, y’know?

Speaking of criminals, here in New York, an unarmed suspect (and known drug dealer) was shot and killed. The neighborhood was in an uproar, and one citizen demanded, “When is this going to stop?”

Well, gee, maybe it’ll stop when people stop breaking the law. Hello? Is the message getting through? Welcome to New York where, if you find yourself running up against the police, you’re going to get a bullet or two or fifty in the brain. If you don’t want to get shot by the police, then here’s two wacky ideas: First, don’t commit crimes which could give them an excuse to shoot you, and second, don’t hang out in places such as crack houses where police are likely to show up and shoot you.

It’s time we stopped being soft on crime, coddling criminals and giving them the impression that they have a right to complain just because the price of resisting arrest or selling drugs is execution by firing squad.

In fact… I’ve an even better idea.

Round up all the six-, seven-, and eight-year-olds who have proven to be good shots with an utter lack of care for human life and send them in, armed, against addicts, pushers and criminals. How many times have we heard that the schoolyards are dens of temptation? No longer. What pusher is going to try and scare up business in the nation’s schools if he’s worried that one of the kids is going to whip out a .32 and blow the pusher’s face off? And then there’s the crack houses. No more clumsy and risky police raids. Instead send in an army of armed kiddies and tell them to shoot anything that moves. Oh, sure, the crack dealers might try to shoot back, but six-year-olds aren’t easy targets. A kevlar vest would serve as a head-to-toe protection, and their small stature should do the rest in terms of maximizing safety.

Guns. Guns and violence and homicidal kids. These are the keys to a safer, healthier, and better America.

I’ve seen the light.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. I hear they’re casting about for a Canadian to perform “Blame Canada” at the Oscars. To my mind, only one individual, whose song stylings are legendary, can do justice to the song: William Shatner. Note to the Academy: Get on this immediately.)