Peter David's Blog, page 43

Has the GOP violated the Logan Act? Hell yes.

If you’re not familiar with the Logan Act, which was been around since the end of the Eighteenth Century, it says this:

Any citizen of the United States, wherever he may be, who, without authority of the United States, directly or indirectly commences or carries on any correspondence or intercourse with any foreign government or any officer or agent thereof, with intent to influence the measures or conduct of any foreign government or of any officer or agent thereof, in relation to any disputes or controversies with the United States, or to defeat the measures of the United States, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than three years, or both.

Every politician who signed the letter to Iran telling them (falsely) that any anti-nuclear agreements they made with Obama would be set aside once he left office has violated the Logan Act and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

PAD

Is this endless winter finally done with?

We’re having another day in the 40s. And the two feet of snow that’s been sitting on my front lawn for over a month is beginning to melt. No snow is predicted for the next ten days, which is longer than we’ve had no snow predicted for at least six weeks.

God, let this nightmare be over.

PAD

Remembering Leonard

The first time I met Leonard Nimoy was in Italy, at an Italian Star Trek convention.

I had wanted to see him the entire time that I was there, but my schedule never worked out so that I was free while he was with the fans. Desperately, I asked Julie Caitlin Brown (who was there overseeing his stay) if there was any way she could arrange an opportunity for me to have just a minute to say hi.

It turned out, much to my astonishment, that Leonard not only knew who I was, but was a fan of my work. I hope that doesn’t come across as self-aggrandizing because it’s not meant to. But he was, and I couldn’t have been happier.

I sat down with him for ten minutes in his dressing room and we chatted about his photography and angels and all sorts of things. Then he had to leave and I wound up being drafted to be part of the flying wedge of security that had to power him through a mob of about a hundred Italian Star Trek fans who were waiting for him at the exit door. So that was exciting.

The last time I saw him was at Dragon*Con, where I had the honor of presenting him with the Julie Award. He was sitting at the table nearest the stage, and with him were Bill Shatner and Kate Mulgrew. The part I remember most distinctly was when I said, “Thanks to Leonard Nimoy, Mister Spock is so beloved a character, that when he showed up in the ice cave in the recent movie, his appearance prompted the entire audience in the theater I was in to cheer and roar with approval…even though his being there made no story sense whatsoever.” Leonard almost fell over, he was laughing so hard, but the even better reaction was Shatner. I could read his lips as he was saying, “I told you! I told you that made no sense!”

I knew, as everyone else did, that he was having heart troubles. It’s ironic that that would be what took him considering that Nimoy had one of the biggest hearts of any individual I’ve ever encountered. I knew him a little; I would have loved to know him much better.

The Incessant Fan Bitching on Ain’t It Cool News

I’ve been hanging out on AICN for a few days since the first display of the Zack Snyder Aquaman picture. AICN has been hostility central as fans are complaining about how he looks nothing like Aquaman (apparently having forgotten when I wrote the character when he looks more or less exactly like that.)

And as fans continue to declare loudly that everything Hollywood produces is garbage, it made me wonder the following:

What the hell are they doing here?

I mean, I think that–for instance–everything that Fox News says deserves advance contempt, based on their indisputable track record of lying. So you’ll never find me on the Fox News website spouting hatred, because since I deplore them, I simply don’t bother with them.

Yet here are all these people who have nothing but contempt for what Hollywood produces, hanging out on a website that is essentially nothing but one big promotional device for those very films that they despise. They come there to bitch and piss and moan about everything. It’s like Red Sox fans frequenting the Yankees website. Any reasonable individual would look upon these actions and wonder why in hell they are wasting their time at a site that is going to bring them nothing but anger and frustration.

This attitude would prompt said reasonable individual to think that the lot of they are actually full of crap. That no matter how much they say they despise everything that Hollywood turns out, the fact is that actually they support every film that they bitch about. That they turn up there, not to express genuine contempt for Hollywood, but simply to posture (mostly from anonymity) and prance about with their oh-so-cool disdain for motion pictures and television while secretly supporting the films that they so despise.

The fact is, I believe, that they all think they’re too cool to be fans. That to express genuine excitement and support would remove the edge they aspire to as a self-designated truth sayer in a world gone mad.

Except they all know they’re not. Bitch and piss and moan all they want; they’ll still be there opening day. As will I, most likely.

But at least I won’t be a hypocrite about it.

PAD

Why do fans have to bitch about EVERYthing?

So now I’m reading comments from fans widely decrying the photo of Aquaman that Zack Snyder put up on Twitter. Apparently oblivious to the fact that it’s clearly my version of Arthur, fans are shouting that it looks nothing remotely like the DC Aquaman. Which I guess makes sense; mine was twenty years ago and that’s two generations of comics fans to have passed through and forgotten my iteration of the Sea King.

But still: when will they learn? I still remember clearly being at a convention back in the early 90s, and it had been announced that Tim Burton was casting Michael Keaton as Batman. I was on a panel and we were asked about it. Every other panel member said it was an insult, that it was going to be 1960s Adam West all over again. And I was the last person to speak, and I said, “Look: Tim Burton is a director. Keaton is an actor. They’re both good at what they do, and just because they’re mostly known for comedy doesn’t mean they can’t turn out a great Batman film.”

And I was booed. By everyone. Even the other panelists gave me the evil eye.

Flash forward several years, and I’m at another convention, and I hear two fans talking about the just announced “Batman Returns.” Their opinion: “It better be Tim Burton and Michael Keaton or otherwise it’s gonna suck.” I felt vindicated.

Remember when photos of Heath Ledger surfaced as the Joker and fans proclaimed he looked completely wrong and the film was going to suck?

And fans never learn. They NEVER learn.

Why the hell can’t they rein in their perpetual expectation for the worst and just wait to see the damned film? Yes, “Man of Steel” was a flawed film. Y’know what? It was still 100% better than Superman III and IV.

PAD

Go see “Jupiter Ascending”

We all know it’s going to tank. People have been gunning for this film because they still haven’t forgiven the Wachowskis for the two “Matrix” sequels. This despite their fantastic work on “Speed Racer,” a film that screenwriter Josh Olson correctly described as a litmus test for your inner child.

Is it a perfect film? God, no. The film plays like a drinking game where you toss back a shot every time a classic SF trope plays across the screen. The only one they miss, surprisingly, is Sean Bean dying (he actually lives.) The dialogue is so bizarrely mannered that at times it seems like they brought in Jack Kirby on an Ouija board to do a pass on the film.

But you know what? Screw it. In a day and age where we complain that so many films are prequels or sequels, the Wachowskis have taken World Building 101 to a delirious level, cast it with actors who seem game through the most absurd sequences imaginable, and have produced a special FX extravaganza that features dynamic chases, fantastic outer space adventures, and an actual reason why there’s so many damned human looking aliens out there. Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum do their best with two people who, in the midst of endless running and fighting, fall in love for zero reason: Kunis is an outer space princess born with the same DNA set as another long-dead princess, and Tatum is a human/wolf mix whom Kunis appears to adore because she likes dogs. And Eddie Redmayne is just flat out insane as the perpetually whispering bad guy, 1/3 of a brother/brother/sister combo that must have made Thanksgiving dinners extremely memorable get togethers.

A combination of “Dune,” “Star Wars,” and a seriously drug induced haze, “Jupiter Ascending” should be experienced on the big screen because it’s frankly too big for a small screen. People who are likening it to “Battlefield Earth,” a truly horrendous movie, are simply wrong. Go in there with the right mindset and it’s a perfectly entertaining way to kill a couple of hours while we’re all waiting for the next “Star Wars” movie so we can tear that apart.

PAD

Why are people still discussing vaccines?

How and why is this still an issue?

People are declaring that parents should have the right not to vaccinate their children. No. They should not have that right.

My local schools send notices that our kids have to be vaccinated in order to attend school. Period. No debates. No arguments. Get your kid vaccinated or you can’t send them to be educated. Welcome to home schooling.

There are certain requirements on parenting. If your kid is under a certain age, he or she has to ride in a car seat. No matter his or her age, they have to wear a seatbelt. This isn’t optional. Governments do not hesitate to force basic parenting obligations on adults, and frankly vaccination should be included across the board. We shouldn’t be in a situation where a trip to Disneyland results in dozens, hundreds of people becoming ill from a disease that is 100% avoidable.

PAD

Song Parodies: “The Scorpion King” & “Oy, It’s the Borg”

Originally published May 17, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1487

Every so often, for no discernible reason, I get song parody notions in my head. And when that happens, my only choice is to write them down. Here are two recent ones cause, y’know… why not?

“THE SCORPION KING”

(set to “The Pirate King” from Pirates of Penzance)

 

Oh, better far to live and die

As a three-ton bug in CGI

Than spend my life with an eyebrow raised

While wrestling fans get completely crazed.

Then Mummy Returns made a pile of dough

The studio wants a sequel, so

I’m finally out of the wrestling ring

Because I’ve become

The Scorp…

…ion…

King

 

Foooooorrrrrrr…

I am the Scorpion King.

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

 

I stand around and I flex each pec

Because the script is a total wreck.

My screen debut was a bit absurd

Since I did not speak a single word.

But when you’re known as a wrestling god

The fans spaz out at your slightest nod.

So acting lessons don’t mean a thing

When you get to be

The Scorp… ion… king

 

Foooorrrrrr

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

 

I slaughter enemies left and right

And keep my buns looking nice and tight.

I pound opponents, I snarl and hiss

I can’t believe I get paid for this.

The women want me; the men, they quake

My death last time was a big mistake.

‘Cause I’m a franchise, ka-ching, ka-ching

The number one film

Is “Scorpion King”

 

Foooorrrrrr

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

 

Now Andre showed off his gentle side

When he played Fezzik in Princess Bride

And Peter Parker fights “Macho Man”

Who does whatever a Macho can

And Hulk and Jesse, they had their shot

Their film endeavors were not too hot

But I will swear by this sword I swing

I’ll keep kicking butt

As Scorp…

…ion…

King

 

Foooorrrrrr

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

I am the Scorpion King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King

It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

Hurrah for the Scorpion King!

 * * *

 

“OY, IT’S THE BORG”

(to the tune of “Joy to the World” by Hoyt Axton)

 

Jeri Ryan was a Borg Girl

Was a Borg girl of mine

She wore a black catsuit and a Wonder Bra

And they called her Seven of Nine

And she always was a mighty fine Nine

 

Oy, it’s the Borg

All the Borg and girls

Uh-similating everything they see

Borg are you and me.

 

I wish I was the Queen of the Borg

Tell you what I’d do

I’d get rid of Picard, Data and Jane-uh-way

And I’d make sweet love to Q.

Said, I’d make sweet love to Q.

 

Oy, it’s the Borg

All the Borg and girls

Uh-similating everything they see

Borg are you and me.

 

Resistance is so futile

In everything they do.

When their cube goes flying

All the folks start dying

Watch out kids, they’re coming for you

I said to watch out, they’re coming for you.

 

Oy, it’s the Borg

All the Borg and girls

Uh-similating everything they see

Borg to you and me

 

(Peter David can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Song requests will be taken.)

 

Welcome once again to live blogging the Super Bowl commercials

There will also be a football game between two teams that I simply don’t give a crap about, and so I will probably read during those segments.

6:01–Is this a musical?

6:04–You know, Triathlons would be a lot more fun if spectators could throw stuff at the athletes. As for the new Mountain Dew drink, that was extremely disturbing.

6:08–Could these players look any more depressed saying their names? They’re not smiling. They’re all millionaires about to play in the biggest game of their sport and they look like they’re reciting their names for a police booking.

6:12–Reebok: Be more human? I wasn’t sure there were gradations to humanity.

6:13–Pizza Hut: Okay, I have to admit, I really want one of those three cheese stuffed crust pizzas. Probably just me.

6:18–Oh thank God, they got Idina Menzel’s name right.

6:22–SERIOUSLY? Buy a truck because it’ll help you get laid?

6:23–Jesus, 40 years of SNL. Hard to believe. I wonder if Chevy Chase will do weekend update.

6:28–Jurassic World. Dinosaurs and Starlord. I am so there.

6:29–Okay, THAT was a funny truck commercial. I could have done without “just saying’ which is an insanely overused phrase, but other than that…

6:37–Camry. Doesn’t make me want to buy a Camry, but I admire the hell out of that woman.

6:38–Well, I won’t make use of TurboTax, but that was amusing.

6:42–Oh, it’s a video game. I thought it was a movie. Game of War. Whatever. But it was followed by an expanded commercial for “Tommorowland.” That looks like it’ll be cool.

6:44–Okay, that commercial for the electric BMW was the best car commercial so far.

6:53–I’ve seen the Minions commercial already, but I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to it. Same with the Brady Bunch commercial: one of the best Snickers commercials ever.

6:59–Seriously, Carnival? You use JFK to promote your cruise line? Screw you.

7:00–Kim Kardashian promoting T-Mobile? Bring back JFK.

7:04–I swear to God, they should give that puppy and the horses their own TV show.

7:13–Coca Cola can save the world? Really? Spilling soda on a computer causes the world to get a message of hope instead of, you know, shorting out the machine? Wow.

7:16: You know, I think the only Vin Diesel movie I’ve ever seen was “Guardians.” Coming in April, another one I won’t see.

7:17: Loved the Dad commercial right up until we got to what it was actually for. Dove? Really?

7:20: Doritos. Actually I’m always perfectly happy when someone with a baby sits next to me.

7:22: Nissan. Have they forgotten that “Cat’s in the Cradle” is not a song about a father being united with his son, but a father who loses his son because he never has time for him?

7:28: Holy crap, Nationwide. That’s the most depressing commercial I’ve ever seen.

7:28: Am I the only person who misses the days when Michael J. Fox was in commercials?

7:35: McDonalds. Remind me only to use the drive through for the next couple of weeks.

7:36: eSurance. Okay, the Emma Stone commercial was okay, but the Cranston one was great.

7:37: They keep talking about Katy Perry. The hell with that. They have Idina Menzel there. Can’t we just skip Perry and have an Idina Menzel concert?

7:40: That was a FIAT commercial? Okay, I admit I didn’t see that coming.

7:40: That was the most sedate Go Daddy commercial I’ve ever seen. Followed by the best BLACKLIST commercial I’ve ever seen. My problem is that now I’m going to picture Ultron wearing that hat.

7:49: Microsoft. Is it my imagination, or are there a lot of serious/inspirational commercials this year?

7:50: What the hell was THAT about? Why was the Dude doing Tibetan throat singing?

8:02: Help End Domestic Violence. Yes, that’s exactly the message you want to see during a football game. Because no one would ever associate domestic violence with football.

8:04: Very funny, Cure auto insurance. Very funny.

8:08: Okay, is this father’s day and I just wasn’t aware of it? First Nissan, now Camry. Mothers don’t buy cars?

8:13: That is the biggest damned puppet I’ve ever seen.

8:20: Katy isn’t bad but I still wish they’d gotten Weird Al.

8:22: Jesus, how many costumes changes has she done? Kathleen says 7.

8:28: You know, if every episode of The Voice was like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, I’d watch it.

8:29: What the HELL did that Ikster thing have to do with Geico?!

8:31: I hate to admit it considering I don’t typically give a damn, but this has been a great game so far.

8:38: Clash of Clans so far wins the best commercial competition. The spokesman does have a certain set of skills.

8:41: ANOTHER inspiring commercial? This is getting silly, Microsoft.

8:54: I’ve seen this Pierce Brosnan commercial. It’s entertaining. Although it would have been funnier with Liam Neeson.

8:56: “Heroes Reborn?” I’m there.

8:58: Best T-Mobile commercial so far. But that’s always going to be the case where Sarah Silverman is involved.

9:59: So basically if you’re a real man, you drink Bud. Got it.

9:01: Here’s what I don’t get. Players keep getting injured in their huge pads and helmets. In the meantime, when I was in Australia, I watched Australian rules football played by guys in polo shirts and shorts slamming into each other with more slams than Americans, and nothing seemed to bother them. Are we wimps or are they just invulnerable?

9:04: Are there ANY songs that are off limits to commercials? I mean really? “This Land is made for you and me” is commercialized now? For Jeep of all things?

9:11: A football commercial where everyone screams. Not sure what was up with that, but it was entertaining enough.

9:12: Sorry, Honda. I’m not going to trust the word of anyone who’s insane enough to go swimming in freezing water.

9:18: Christ, I may actually have to go see “Ted 2.”

9:19: The Mophie commercial was hysterical. Right up there with the Liam Neeson commercial.

9:31: I wonder if in those Bud commercials they really just pick random people and do stuff to them or if that was an actor.

9:33: Okay, the turtle totally cheated in that Mercedes commercial.

9:37: Sorry, Shades of Gray. I’m not curious.

9:38: Now THAT was a funny Doritos commercial.

9:52: Isn’t that Ari’s assistant from “Entourage?”

9:53: Heroes Charge. All others pay cash.

10:11: I have no interest in watching Nascar. Sorry.

10:12: Penn and Teller doing a car commercial? That’s it; I’m done for the evening. Good night.

Live Blogging the Super Bowl Commercials

I will be live with the Super Bowl starting tomorrow at 6 PM. Swing by and comment on the only important thing: the commercials.

PAD