Peter David's Blog, page 46

Young Frankenstein

So forty years ago today, “Young Frankenstein” opened. And I find myself wondering how the Internet would react to it if it opened today.

And I came to the realization that the film would be crucified.

Why?

Because in the age of Bill Cosby rape allegations, and heated debates about “The Newsroom,” there would simply be no allowance for rape being treated as a joke.

Which “Young Frankenstein” does.

Madeline Kahn’s “Elizabeth” is carried off into the woods where the Monster is about to rape her. There is no question she doesn’t want to have sex, but the Monster doesn’t care. And she protests and protests…and then sees the size of his member. Suddenly it’s okay. Because even though she continues to protest as he penetrates, she doesn’t really mean it. Because when a woman is saying no, what she is really saying is that it’s fine if the guy is big enough.

What the hell kind of message is that? The Internet would erupt with relentless fury, Brooks would be stunned by the reaction, and they’d probably have to edit it out for the home release.

Instead it’s a comedy classic.

Hah hah.

PAD

The BID Poll Revisited, Part 5

Originally published February 8, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1473

Herewith the final installment of our time-traveling view of the 1992 poll about what the comic industry would be like in the year 2002.

 

The year 2002 will seem most like:

Space: 1999                64                    29.22%

John Byrne’s 2112      39                    17.81%

2000 AD                      32                    14.61%

Spider-Man 2099        24                    10.96%

Jack Kirby’s 2001       23                    10.50%

Single votes were also received for Blade Runner, Terminator, 1992, and Max Headroom. Well, we still don’t have flying cars in every household, which is a tremendous disappointment, and the moon is still in orbit, so so much for just about every possibility that got a significant percentage of the votes. The fact is that the single vote casters were the most on target. The other day I was in midtown Manhattan and there was a huge image of an Asian woman’s face up on that whompin’ big screen TV overlooking 42nd Street. It was a genuine Blade Runner moment. If you don’t think, in best Terminator mode, that machines are taking over, think about how far computers and the pervasiveness of the Internet have come in just ten years. And in a world where Lara Croft (pre-Angelina Jolie) is a sex symbol, and films featuring only computerized actors are lobbying for serious Academy award consideration, Max Headroom is no longer twenty minutes into our future, but instead five minutes in our past.

 

In the year 2002, Spider-Man 2099 will be in:

The 3/$1 box               106                  48.40%

2099                            49                   22.37%

2109                            31                   14.16%

2100                            17                   7.76%

2101                            14                   6.39%

2105                            7                     3.20%

Had Marvel not booted Joey Cavalieri, the plan was to jump the entire line to 2101. If nothing else it would have avoided the characters arguing whether 2100 was the last year of the 21st Century or the first year of the 22nd Century. But Joey was sent packing—a move that was anticipated by the six voters who predicted Joey would be editor-in-chief of DC by 2002 (which he’s not, obviously, but no one thought he would be EIC at Marvel even though he was working there at the time of the poll.) With Joey’s departure, the 2099 line spiraled away into oblivion. And the real answer to the question was guessed by none of you: Spider-Man 2099 is in Captain Marvel, for four issues starting this month. So there, nyaah.

 

I think my comics will be worth more ten years from now than they are now:

Agree                          154                  70.32%

Disagree                      60                   27.40%

I think the bottom is going to fall out of the collector’s market:

Agree                          126                  57.53%

Disagree                      90                   41.10%

It remains fascinating to me that so many respondents foresaw a drop in the value of comics, but were certain that their own collections would be impervious. This is a damned near impossible question to answer for sure because there are so many variables. Did the value of comics come crashing down? Some. But it’s wildly unpredictable. For instance, my local retailer has boxes of Spawn #1 that he’s selling practically at cover price. In the meantime, a CGC graded, slabbed edition of Spawn #1 is—as of this writing—carrying a $39 bid on ebay.

Slabbing. Jeez, sometimes I really can’t believe this industry or the fads that seize it. This survey really has me taking the long view of things, and it is my humble opinion that the CGC slabbed editions for which people are presently shelling out huge amounts are going to be nothing more than curiosities ten years from now, with the resale value of a fig newton. Today’s outrageously priced collectible is tomorrow’s coaster. Gee, everybody hold on: I’m going to run right out and slab my pog collection.

Gold and silver age comics, meantime, continue to remain the blue chip standard of comics collecting, just as collectors of 1992 predicted they would.

 

Ten years from now, the average reader will be buying comics:

To read the stories                               130      59.36%

To look at the artwork                        62       28.31%

For collectible value                            50       22.83%

There’s no scientific way to know this one, but I believe the majority was correct. Almost all the discussions I see these days in regards to comics have to do with the stories. They may involve disputes over the wisdom of crossovers, or the nuances of retcons, or any of a hundred other aspects, but primarily readers seem to be in it for the pure joy of finding out What Happens Next. Thank God for that.

I’m going to summarize the next few, because it’s impossible for me to determine the relevance to the current readership in any accurate manner. They were more just to get a gauge of the folks who were responding.

Forty five percent of the respondents were in their twenties, followed closely by thirty one percent in their thirties, and the rest scattered around demographically. The majority of the respondents said they read comics for the combination of story and art, as opposed to thirty four who follow for the story, twenty for investment value, eleven percent because they’re Marvel zombies (remember those?) and a paltry four percent mostly for the art.

Seventy four percent of the respondents described themselves as fans, while fourteen percent said they were industry professionals (I wonder how many of that seventy four percent are now pros?) Interestingly, forty people said they were Inigo Montoya, eight people said they were the pirate king, two claimed to be president of Marvel (neither were), two said they were the very model of a modern major general, one claimed to be an editor at CBG, but wasn’t… and one claimed to be—and, sadly, was—Mark Gruenwald’s father. If you’re still reading, sir… once again, I’m sorry for your loss.

And finally…

 

But I Digress will be:

A fond memory                                  92        42.01%

Written by me                                     78        35.62%

Written by Shana                                26        11.87%

Drawn by Todd McFarlane                13        5.94%

An unfond memory                            6         2.74%

Shana did write a couple (as did Gwen). Todd McFarlane, as we now know, only draws lawsuits these days. And most people—including me, and I said so at the time—thought it would be a fond memory.

In the course of writing the column, I’ve made friends, lost friends, became a father for the third time, pissed off Image, taken potshots at Marvel, DC, and Archie, been lampooned in Comics Journal, created one set of buttons that said “Official Stickler for Credit” and another that said “FOE,” suggested that something called Pro/Con be started, reviewed a ton of movies, made fun of a raft of people (including, first and foremost, myself), and gotten a buttload of money donated to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund—both from money paid by Krause for this column, and also from the generosity of fans who have responded to open appeals.

And I’m still here. Forty two percent said it wouldn’t last… but I’m still here.

Just goes to show you: You never know.

(Peter David can be written to at P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

The BID Poll Revisited, Part 4

Originally published February 1, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1472

As we continue our little time-traveling venture by looking at the results of the “What will the Year 2002 be like?” survey from ten years ago, I have to say I’m gratified by the response I’ve been getting thus far. Folks seem genuinely intrigued by both the hits and the misses of the respondents.

Thus far, for those who might just be coming aboard, back in the year 1992 (which seems as far off to me now as 2002 did then) readers of CBG predicted that: Marvel would be the top company (instead it’s neck and neck with DC); Image would most likely be gone (it isn’t, outlasting Valiant, Innovation, Now, Comico, Eclipse, Malibu, Disney and Personality); the top-selling comic would be one that wasn’t being published at the time (which DK2 wasn’t); that Iron Man was the most likely hero to be killed off and replaced (Jim Rhodes, Iron Man at the time, didn’t die, but was replaced by Tony Stark); Mark Gruenwald would be editor in chief at Marvel (obviously wrong, sadly); Mike Carlin would be editor in chief at DC (one for two); that Rob Liefeld would be the anti-Christ (no comment); that Youngblood #4 would just be hitting the stands (it came out in 1993); that the standard Marvel Comic would be 32 pages and cost $2.50 (one for two, although the true quality Marvel books, such as—I dunno—Captain Marvel really are $2.50).

Mushing on:

If Warners ever unloads DC Comics, it will probably be bought by:

The Japanese                                 67                                30.59%

Marvel                                           37                                16.89%

Jim Shooter                                   24                                10.96%

Disney                                           22                                10.05%

Ross Perot                                     11                                5.02%

Image                                            7                                 3.20%

Seduction of the Innocent            4                                 1.83%

Krause Publications                      2                                 0.91%

Ted Turner                                    2                                 0.91%

Malibu                                           2                                 0.91%

Well, this one’s a kick in the head, ain’t it? In point of fact, DC Comics was indeed bought by someone else, namely America Online. But it never occurred to anyone (well, I know it sure didn’t occur to me) that AOL would effectively buy Warners as well. I mean, sure, nominally it’s a merger, but one of the first things AOL did was shut down all the Warner Bros. Stores (damn them!) So that pretty much showed who’s boss. It also pissed me off royally. I liked having all the Harry Potter stuff in one place.

And hey… remember when Ross Perot was such a personality that eleven respondents named him as the most likely to buy DC? Boy, that guy just evaporated, didn’t he? Know what? I miss him. He was loonier than Daffy Duck, but I maintain—as I did before—that a speech from him on 9/11 would have been more memorable than FDR after Pearl Harbor. “You Afghans… you turn over bin Laden right now! I mean now! Put him on a plane, I want him here in twelve hours! If not, we’re just gonna keep dropping A-bombs until we take you all down, because one of you might be bin Laden in disguise! I mean it! I’ll do it! I got the football right here! See? Here’s the button! My finger’s resting on the button! I’ll nuke ya! Y’know I will, ’cause I’m crazy as a bedbug!”

 

The majority of comics will be produced by:

Writer/artist teams             170 (77.63%)

Writer/artists                     42 (19.18%)

 

The majority of comics produced will feature:

Characters owned by the publisher and produced as straight work-for-hire (example, Marvel): 121 (55.25%)

Characters owned by the creator and published by someone else, wherein the publisher assumes most of the risk (example, Epic): 42 (19.18%)

Characters owned by the creator and published by someone else, wherein the publisher is essentially a hired hand (example, Image): 40 (18.26%)

Characters owned by the creator, published by the creator (example, Cerebus): 13 (5.94%).

I will confess that I haven’t done a detailed count on these two topics, but the impression I get from looking over the Diamond Comics top 300 is that, yes indeed, the majority of comics are produced by writer/artist teams. And yes, the Marvel avenue of straight-up work-for-hire remains the way it is, for the most part, done. Interestingly, Epic no longer exists, and the deal that Image had at the time that the poll was taken—in which Malibu handled the actual publishing responsibilities—has long since ceased. As near as I can tell, Image is now a blend of different aspects of all four types of publishing arrangements… which might explain why they managed to confound expectations and survive for a decade.

 

Check off all of the following which will actively be used as marketing gimmicks:

Trading/Holo cards                                   135                  (61.64%)

Signed ltd. Edit.                                       134                  (61.19%)

Prebagged comics                                     129                  (58.90%)

Hologram covers                                       129                  (58.90%)

Foil covers                                                 121                  (55.25%)

Multiple covers                                         114                  (52.05%)

Talking covers                                           108                  (49.32%)

Flexidiscs                                                  97                   (44.29%)

Scratch & sniff                                          96                   (43.84%)

Pop-up books                                            6                     ( 2.74%)

Floppy disks                                              4                     ( 1.83%)

Holograms                                                 4                     ( 1.83%)

Multiple endings, same story                    3                     ( 1.37%)

Virtual reality                                            2                     ( 0.91%)

#0 Origin issues                                         2                     ( 0.91%)

I admit I don’t recall some of these at all. “Talking covers?” Did someone do talking covers? “Virtual reality” as a marketing gimmick? “Scratch & sniff?” I think there was an issue of Ren and Stimpy that had that. I’m trying to figure out whether I tossed in stuff that didn’t exist yet, but I thought might, or this stuff actually did come out and I just don’t remember it (and am probably the better for it.)

In any event, I haven’t been maintaining detailed track of what’s being used to push comic books these days. So I consulted with the fine folks at the comic store I frequent, Fourth World Comics in Smithtown, New York. According to them, of that entire list, the only gimmicks that are still used with any frequency are Signed limited editions, Multiple covers, and #0 origin issues. Granted, with the bottom falling out of the speculation market, we lost a lot of good comic stores. On the other hand, we also seem to have lost all the crap that publishers were using to try and finagle people into plunking down money for increasingly annoying covers wrapped around increasingly lousy product. Nowadays the only thing to determine whether a comic stands or falls is the quality of the book itself… that, and whether it’s about mutants.

 

Check off all the following places that you think Seduction of the Innocent will be playing:

Street corners                                92                                (42.01%)

San Diego Comic-Con                  76                                (34.70%)

Chicago Comicon                         71                                (32.42%)

The Disney Channel                      47                                (21.46%)

Atlanta Fantasy Fair                     44                                (20.09%)

Great Eastern Conventions           38                                (17.35%)

Caesar’s Palace                             36                                (16.44%)

Dragon Con                                  29                                (13.24%)

I’m trying to remember why the hell I asked this question. Probably because I really like the band, I’m friends with the guys, and I was hoping they’d be back at San Diego. Well, as it turned out, Seduction did indeed make at least one, if not more, appearances at the Comic Con since the poll was taken. As for the year 2002 (which is, after all, what this poll is all about) they’re not scheduled anywhere yet that I know of. Hey San Diego… it’d be great to see Seduction rockin’ the house again. Just a suggestion.

More visions of future past next week.

(Peter David can be written to at P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

The BID Poll Revisited, Part 3

Originally published January 25, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1471

We’re continuing with the poll of ten years ago which ran in BID and endeavored to get a feel for what the readership saw as the state of the industry ten years hence… that is to say, now. The year 2002, which at the time seemed so far in the future as to be ludicrous. Well, no one’s laughing all that much.

Moving on:

The following person will be the editor-in-chief of DC Comics (should there still be a DC Comics)

Mike Carlin                             37                                16.89%

Paul Levitz                              36                                16.44%

Jim Shooter                             30                                13.70%

Peter David                             17                                7.76%

John Byrne                              10                                4.57%

Tom DeFalco                          9                                 4.11%

Who cares?                              7                                 3.20%

Rob Liefeld                             6                                 2.74%

Joey Cavalieri                          6                                 2.74%

Chris Claremont                      5                                 2.28%

Mark Gruenwald                     5                                 2.28%

Bob Harras                              5                                 2.28%

Todd McFarlane                     3                                 1.37%

Frank Miller                            2                                 0.91%

Denny O’Neil                         2                                 0.91%

Well, this was a slam dunk for the readership. Not only that, but it’s a fairly intriguing comparison to the Marvel list. Because of the fourteen possibilities on the Marvel list, as noted in the previous column, none remains in an editorial capacity. Not so with DC. In addition to Carlin still in place as the EIC, Paul Levitz is still there doing that job that only he can do… namely, answering the phone by saying, “Paul Levitz.” Joey Cavalieri is still in place, Denny O’Neil’s departure as full-time editor is only a very recent development, and Frank Miller may not be an editor, but if he walked in tomorrow and said he wanted his own line, they’d probably give it to him.

 

The following person will be revealed to be the Anti-Christ:

Rob Liefeld                             78                                35.62%

Todd McFarlane                     20                                9.13%

Tom DeFalco                          14                                6.39%

Peter David                             12                                5.48%

Jim Shooter                             11                                5.02%

John Byrne                              10                                4.57%

Bill Clinton                             6                                 2.74%

Respondent                             3                                 1.37%

Fabian Nicieza                        2                                 0.91%

Gary Groth                              2                                 0.91%

Tony Isabella                           2                                 0.91%

Ross Perot                               2                                 0.91%

Remember when Ross Perot was interesting enough to warrant being considered the anti-Christ? Those were fun days.

I’ve always regretted this question slightly, because Liefeld—a devout Christian—found it personally upsetting. So I felt kind of bad that he not only won, but did so by such a huge margin. That aside, it’s interesting that most of the top bad boys of ten years ago remain controversial, loud-mouthed annoying boors… except for DeFalco, who seems to have lost the hostile vibes he accrued during his editorial tenure, and of course me, because everyone adores me and I haven’t an enemy in the world.

I should note, though, that of the people on the list, the only one with the stones to bad mouth Neil Gaiman instead of keeping his word is Todd McFarlane. Does that fill the bill? Dunno… we might have to wait another ten years or so to be sure of this one, but keep those inverted crosses handy.

 

The following title(s) will probably be just about hitting the stands.

Youngblood #4                                                      108                  49.32%

An X-Men title that doesn’t exist yet                   103                  47.03%

Cerebus #300                                                        68                   31.05%

Ms. Mystic #8                                                        36                   16.44%

Tom DeFalco’s Two Fisted Adventures #6           6                     2.74%

Well, let’s see. Youngblood #4, Volume 1, came out in October of 1993. However, the series is currently up to Volume 3, and there’s no #4 of that run as of yet. The X-title that doesn’t exist? The following mutant titles (culled from the December Diamond list) weren’t around ten years ago: Origin, Ultimate X-Men, X-Treme X-Men, X-Treme X-Men Savage Land, Nightcrawler, Iceman, Elektra and Wolverine Redeemer, Cable, X-Men Evolution. Cerebus #300 is about two years down the line, and man, what an achievement that’ll be. Ms. Mystic #8 has not yet, I believe, surfaced. As for Tom DeFalco’s Two Fisted Adventures, hey… scoff if you will, but they did indeed do that series. They just called it the MC2 line, that’s all.

 

The standard Marvel comic book is 32 pages for $1.25. Ten years from now, should there still be Marvel Comics, the standard one will be:

 32 pages                                        99                    45.21%

24 pages                                        53                    24.20%

16 pages                                        38                    17.35%

48 pages                                        20                    9.13%

64 pages                                        3                     1.37%

A disc                                            3                     1.37%

 

And will cost:

$2.50                                             80                    36.53%

$3.95                                             40                    18.26%

1500 yen                                       16                    7.31%

$1.75                                             12                    5.48%

$2.95                                             4                     1.83%

$4.95                                             4                     1.83%

$5.00                                             4                     1.83%

$2.00                                             4                     1.83%

$10.00                                           3                     1.37%

$1.00                                             2                     0.91%

$1.25                                             2                     0.91%

$1.50                                             2                     0.91%

$3.75                                             2                     0.91%

 

Well, now how about that. No one got it right. No, not even the folks who thought the average book would be 1500 yen (which is about eleven and a half bucks American, in case you were wondering.) A good chunk of you intuited that the 32 page package would remain the format of choice, but you foresaw an increase of 100 percent in cover price, and that hasn’t happened. Not exactly, at any rate. These days prices are all over the map, true. But the average—or I guess we should say “typical”—Marvel Comic goes for $2.25. Only a couple of ongoing monthlies have reached the rarefied heights of $2.50, including Captain Marvel (which couldn’t possibly have any correlation with the staggeringly difficult uphill climb sales on this book have had, right?)

We’ll wrap up this view from the past of the future of the past next week.

(Peter David can be written to at P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Happy birthday, Caroline

Caroline was born 12 years ago today.

As is the case with the births of all my daughters, I will always remember the circumstances of that day. Part of what I recall is the change in accommodations for fathers. When my other girls were born, I got to sit in a comfortable white plastic chair for hours on end. This time there was not only a couch for me, but when I tried to lie down on it, the nurse informed me it folded out into a bed. So THAT was great.

Kathleen was amazing. She started labor on the train home from work and didn’t even realize that it had started, assuming that it was Braxton-Hicks. We went to the hospital a little after midnight and she gave birth around 2:30 the following afternoon. For some reason, she became fixated on an article in the newspaper about the history of the latest tree that was put up in Rockefeller Center. She kept asking me to read her the article and I did so about twenty times.

I still remembering the nurse saying “Oh my God” shortly after Caroline was born, which alarmed Kathleen, until the nurse clarified that she was reacting to the size of Caroline’s feet, which were so large that they extended outside of the squares on the piece of paper for footprints. Caroline, as some of you longtime readers know, was named after Carol Kalish, the Marvel Direct Sales Manager who hired me as her assistant and launched my comics career.

She’s now 12 years old and has received her first report card from Middle School. She got all A’s. I couldn’t be prouder of both her and her mommy.

PAD

The BID Poll Revisited, Part 2

Originally published January 18, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1470

Picking up from last week, we’re doing a bit of time traveling backward and forward simultaneously, by reviewing the poll taken in this very column back in 1992 speculating as to the state of our little industry ten years hence… which is to say, 2002, i.e., now.

Yes, cast yourself back to the early 1990s, back when we were bombing the crap out of the Middle East and a guy named Bush was president. Back in that far-flung era bearing no resemblance to our own, fans believed that after the turn of the century: Marvel would be the top company; Image and Valiant were the two likeliest companies to be out of business; and the comic topping the sales charts didn’t yet exist. Now let’s see what else they, and we, had to say.

The following characters will have died and been replaced by someone else bearing the same name:

Iron Man                                  126                  57.53%

Robin                                      113                  51.60%

Punisher                                   97                   44.29%

Captain America                       89                   40.64%

Superman                                67                   30.59%

Spawn                                     65                   29.68%

Wonder Woman                       54                   24.66%

Spider-Man                              44                   20.09%

Batman                                   33                   15.07%

Wolverine                                23                   10.50%

Hulk                                        7                     3.20%

Flash                                       6                     2.74%

Green Lantern                          5                     2.28%

Lobo                                        3                     1.37%

Thor                                         2                     0.91%

Archie                                      2                     0.91%

Daredevil                                  2                     0.91%

Aquaman                                 2                     0.91%

 

Single votes were also received for, among others, Swamp Thing, Doc Strange, Quicksilver, Jean Grey, Aunt May, and Barbie.

Well… let’s see. At the time the poll was taken, Jim Rhodes was Iron Man. Since then, the armored identity has been taken back by Tony Stark, not to mention teen Tony (and, thankfully, we won’t.) Jim Rhodes did not die, although he is a War Machine. And he won’t work for nobody but you. Robin is still Tim Drake, Punisher is Frank Castle, God knows what’s up with Captain America. Superman was already a goner at the time of the poll, so that hardly counts. Spawn, well, his sales have died, but he’s still around.

But about midlist, we started hitting paydirt. Wonder Woman was replaced twice. First she was replaced by the renegade Amazon, Artemis, as a gambit by her mother, Hippolyta, to protect her. Diana reclaimed her title… and was shortly thereafter killed by Neron, proving once and for all that mother knows best. So Diana was replaced a second time, as her mother stepped into the role of Wonder Woman while Diana was elevated to divinity (yes, that’s right, she was turned into fudge). But she later gave up her divinity to become Wonder Woman again, because it was the heroic and dietetic thing to do.

Then there’s Spider-Man. Oh my God, when it comes to characters being killed off and replaced, where do you even start? There was Peter Parker, and he wasn’t killed off, but he was replaced by Ben Riley because it turned out he hadn’t been Spider-Man in years, except it turns out that wasn’t the case and Ben Riley is dead, and…

On second thought, better not to have started at all.

Batman didn’t die, but the very next year he got his back broken by Bane… and, sure enough, Batman was then replaced by Azrael… who was later replaced by Bruce Wayne.

Wolverine didn’t die, although he came damned near when some idiot suggested Magneto rip out his Adamantium skeleton. However his Canuck citizenship seems dead, as per Origin, since it now appears that Logan did not wander in from the Canadian woods but instead from a bizarre hybrid of Masterpiece Theater and Twin Peaks. Hulk is still with us, Flash is still Wally West, Green Lantern…

Well, hey, Green Lantern, we have a major winner. Whereas others in the poll died or were shunted aside and replaced, but eventually returned to active duty, Green Lantern is now Kyle Baker… I’m sorry, Kyle Rayner, while Hal Jordan is about as dead as one can get, having gone totally postal, getting himself annihilated, and becoming the Spectre. Only Deadman is deader than the Spectre. A measly five respondents saw it coming.

Lobo, Thor, Archie Andrews and Daredevil are still sucking oxygen. Aquaman… hmmmm. Well, two people predicted he would die, and for all I know it was the same two people who were actually reading the series. Whether he’s to be replaced, couldn’t tell you. As for the single vote-getters, Swamp Thing was replaced by someone of the same name, although he didn’t die, but her book did; and Aunt May did in fact die… but then she was replaced by, well… herself, I guess.

And once again, ten years, later, I still gotta ask: Barbie?

 

The following person will be the editor-in-chief of Marvel Comics (should there be a Marvel Comics):

Mark Gruenwald                                  49                                22.37%

Fabian Nicieza                                    28                                12.79%

Peter David                                         28                                12.79%

Tom DeFalco                                      19                                8.68%

Jim Shooter                                        12                                5.48%

John Byrne                                         12                                5.48%

Chris Claremont                                  10                                4.57%

Rob Liefeld                                          8                                 3.65%

Bob Harras                                          8                                 3.65%

Mike Carlin                                          6                                  2.74%

Who Cares                                          6                                  2.74%

Todd McFarlane                                  3                                  1.37%

Paul Levitz                                          2                                  0.91%

Name Withheld                                   2                                  0.91%

 

Single votes also came in for, among others, Joey Cavalieri, Al Milgrom, Roy Thomas, Scott Lobdell, Jim Starlin, Stan Lee, Alan Moore, and Renee Witterstaetter.

The most obvious, and depressing, note is that—of course—Mark Gruenwald, who advanced to Chief Executive editor of all Marvel product lines, and Editor-in-Chief of the FF and Avengers titles, died of a heart attack in 1996 at age (bloody hell, can you believe it?) 42. We’ll never know what Marvel today would be like were Grueny around, but considering where he placed in the voting, a lot of fans then had a good deal of faith in him.

The list sports three former editors-in-chief (Jim Shooter, Tom DeFalco, and Bob Harras). The most amazing thing, to me, is that not a single person on the list currently has an editorial job at Marvel. Or even a staff job. Not even Stan Lee. How whacked is that? And—as I’m sure you’ve noticed—the name “Joe Quesada” appears nowhere. So congrats, Joe. You beat the odds.

I will take this opportunity to make note of the fact that the Mark Gruenwald Memorial Scholarship, designed to provide opportunities for students of the arts at his alma mater of the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh, continues to this day. And while I’m busy being bummed out, I will further note the passing of Dan DeCarlo: A comics great, a true gentleman, and someone who deserved a hell of a lot more peaceful existence in the last few years than he got. He will be missed, and his characters…his characters, not theirs, his… will live on.

More views of the future past next week.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

The BID Poll Revisited, Part 1

Originally published January 11, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1469

 

It has been said that time travel is not only possible, but routine. Because, in a sense, we are all time travelers, heading as one toward a future destination. It’s just going to take a while to get there, that’s all. And once we’re there, we look behind us, see where we were, and marvel at how we managed to get to the present point.

You and I have been doing some time traveling in this column. And now we’re going to reset our minds to where we were while simultaneously keeping hold of where we are. Thus we have achieved time travel… or, at the very least, a couple of columns.

Back in the year 1992, I ran a survey in this column that took its cue from a weekly news magazine. That magazine took a poll of its readership, endeavoring to project what the shape of the world would be like ten years hence. I decided that it would be interesting to do the same with CBG readers. To take a whack at discerning the state of the comic industry in the then-unthinkably far future of 2002. It seemed a lark. First, just the year itself: 2002. It sounded so… so science fiction. One year past the iconic 2001. Second, who even knew if there would be a comic book industry at the time (although sales were certainly strong enough to indicate that everything would be fine.) And third, I knew beyond question that I’d never be able to follow up on it because, hell, there was no flipping way that I was going to be writing the column ten years down the road. Fifty-two weeks a year, year in, year out?

In any case, to the astonishment of not a few, most of all myself, I’m still here. CBG is still here. The column is still here. And we are now rolling into the far-future year of 2002. We know where we are. I thought it would be interesting and instructive to compare that to where we thought we’d be. As John Lennon said, life is what happens while you’re making other plans. And he should know, because look what happened to him.

So let’s set the Wayback machine to the dim past of 1992 wherein we posed questions that got the following results. The whole number represents the total respondents, the percentage the total percent of all votes tallied.

Ten years from now…

 

The Number 1 Comic book company will be:

Marvel                                                   95                                43.38%

DC                                                        39                                17.81%

Valiant                                                   23                                10.50%

Doesn’t Exist Yet                                   20                                9.13%

Image                                                    13                                5.94%

Dark Horse                                            11                                5.02%

Malibu                                                   2                                 0.91%

Tundra                                                   2                                 0.91%

 

Single votes were also record for, among others, Fantagraphics, Blue Sky Blue, Archie, and a merger of Marvel and DC.

No one actually said what is closest to the truth, and that answer is: Too close to call. Depending upon whether you’re talking unit sales versus dollar sales, depending upon what specialty projects might be coming out that month, the truth seems to be that Marvel and DC each have about thirty percent of the marketplace, with one dominating for a time before slipping and the other stepping in. Image is third, followed by Dark Horse. Valiant, Tundra and Malibu have closed up shop. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the force on the market place that is most deserving of stepping into the “Doesn’t exist yet” slot would have to be CrossGen, the only company in existence that has raised the bar of what defines “collecting.” When most of us say that we collect certain writers or artists, we’re referring to the comics they produce. The management at CrossGen collects the actual writers and artists, whisking them down to Florida where they are hermetically sealed inside clear offices made entirely of mylar, with doors that are closed not by locks, but instead by pieces of tape. I hear it’s pretty cool, actually.

The following companies will no longer exist:

Image                                                        136                              62.10%

Valiant                                                        74                               33.79%

Dark Horse                                                  32                               14.61%

DC                                                              21                               9.59%

Marvel                                                         12                               5.48%

Innovation                                                    9                                4.11%

Now                                                            7                                3.20%

Comico                                                       6                                2.74%

Eclipse                                                        6                                2.74%

Fantagraphics                                              5                                2.28%

Malibu                                                         3                                1.37%

Disney                                                        2                                0.91%

Archie                                                         2                                0.91%

Personality                                                  2                                0.91%

Except for a couple of questions that had only two choices, this was the only question in the entire poll that such a sizable percentage of people agreed upon. The most many of the questions garnered was a plurality. Yet the largest majority of readers in this poll agreed that Image would not make it to the new century. And they were big, fat, thumping wrong, which should—if nothing else—serve as a cautionary note to anyone who turns to the audience for guidance on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Granted, the Image that exists now is very different from the Image that existed then. Only one creator in the entire launch group, Erik Larsen, has continued producing his own comic year in, year out for a decade. The rest have either halted publication, turned the creative reins over to others, or have been drummed out of Image by peers who once sang their praises. But, hey, the bottom line is, Image is still around, and that’s a hell of an achievement. Especially when one considers the carnage below them. Valiant died after a valiant effort, Innovation wasn’t innovative enough to avoid collapse (while owing me money, I might add), Now is then, Comico is Comic Go, Eclipse has gone dark, it wasn’t a day at the beach for Malibu, Disney was a Mickey Mouse outfit, and I, for one, haven’t had a Personality in years.

The Top Selling comic book will be

Doesn’t Exist Yet                                                   94                                42.92%

X-Men                                                                   26                                11.87%

Spider-Man                                                           19                                8.68%

Superman                                                             11                                5.02%

Batman                                                                 11                                 5.02%

Next Men                                                               7                                  3.20%

Spawn                                                                    4                                 1.38%

Harbinger                                                                2                                0.91%

Legion of Super-Heroes                                            2                                0.91%

Cerebus                                                                  2                                0.91%

Hulk                                                                       2                                 0.91%

Lobo                                                                       2                                 0.91%

Single votes were also cast for, among others, New Warriors, Nestrobber, Jughead, Sandman, Doom Patrol, and Captain America.

Well, kids, the majority may have fumbled the ball with question 2, but here the plurality was correct. The current top-selling book is the then-non-existent Frank Miller’s DK2 (that is to say, the comic book did not then exist. Frank did.) Right up there was another then-non-existent book, the origin of Wolverine with the incredibly clever title of Origin. Now if we’re talking straight up monthly titles, then impressively enough, X-Men continues to hold sway even after ten years. “Uncanny” indeed, which would show the far-reaching sales impact that the work of Chris Claremont had upon Marvel sales in general and X-Men in particular. He took a low-rent bi-monthly title and turned it into a power house that not only sells in two different incarnations (X-Men, Uncanny X-Men) but also helped elevate interest in a runty character with claws and turn him into a Marvel mainstay. Thank God Marvel, to this day, continues out of gratitude to treat Claremont like gold, huh?

More next week, including the amazingly prescient “Which heroes will die and be replaced?” and the somewhat sad predictions about certain comics personnel.

(Peter David can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Holiday Gift Suggestions, 2001

Originally published January 4, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1468

Christmas is coming, yes, the most dangerous time of the year. Dangerous in that the suicide rate supposedly spikes, and dangerous because people get reeeaaaaal sensitive about it. I once described Christmas as a “mythical birthday.” What I was referring to was that Biblical scholars doubt that December 25th is the actual date of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. Instead I got deluged with mail from people claiming I said that Jesus didn’t exist and that I obviously hated Christians.

But you know what’s safe to talk about?

Presents.

There are some unbelievably cool things out there, particularly if you’re a comic book fan. Granted, some of it is high end, but I’ve been told that fans actually have boundless amounts of wealth, all stored in underground vaults guarded by goblins, so I figure that shouldn’t be a problem.

Therefore I thought I’d share with you the things which I consider incredibly cool that have recently caught my eye, which you might want to acquire either for yourself or the comics fan in your life. They are, in no particular order:

Thor’s Hammer. It just doesn’t get cooler than this. I know that Factory X has other comic book props coming out, but none of them exceeds the “Whoa! Dude!” factor of a full size replica of Thor’s weapon. Sure, sure, there’s replicas of Blade’s sword, and there’s gonna be Doc Doom’s mask and Iron Man’s helmet and Elektra’s sais. But there’s tons of replica swords around, and a mask is just a mask, a helmet is just a helmet, and a sai is just a sai. None of these can possibly compare to the majesty of Mjolnir. It’s described at ThirdZone.com as being “17 inches long with cast aluminum head, wooden handle wrapped in leather, and a museum quality display stand. Inscribed ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!’”

I personally cannot wait to get one so that I can stand on the roof of my house, whirl it around my head, throw it, grab the thong, and be carried along for the ride. Not to mention the sheer joy of being able to affect weather patterns, knock down that oversized dead tree in my backyard with one mighty blow, and finally being able to do something about those annoying, traffic-impeding double-parked cars.

My understanding is that Factory X has worked so hard for accuracy, that every single one of the hammers is actually being manufactured by trolls. Yes, that’s right, those idiots who hang around the Internet trying to make life miserable for everyone else have finally been harnessed and put to valuable and society-benefiting work. Factory X has a huge assembly plant entirely populated by Usenet trolls striving to make the deadlines by putting the finishing touches on the last of the advance orders for Thor’s hammer.

Granted, this puppy will set you back close to $300, but hey… if nothing else, you can’t go wrong with a home defense system that can take out anything from burglars to Frost Giants. The best thing is, there’s no shipping costs involved. When you order one, they just throw it in the general direction of your home and it flies there on its own. Just… don’t get in the way.

Moveable Tick Antenna. A definite must-have, and only $7.95 if you preorder it from New England Comics. You want a girl to know you’re interested? Just wear these things on your head, squeeze the little bubble controls, and they’ll stand straight up. What chick could resist those? I mean, really?

I’m loving the Tick TV series, by the way. A recent episode involving sidekicks had to be the most hilarious homoerotic treatment of the topic since the days of Seduction of the Innocent. Ron Perlman was hysterical as a superhero who was flaming in every sense, and you had to love the Tick’s (Patrick Warburton) utter blindness to the very surfacy subtext. Also of interest in that same episode was Captain Liberty (Liz Vassey, replacing Teri Hatcher as the definitive comic book fanboy pin-up girl) and her adoption of a puppy. Now considering just how gay the episode was, either that’s an amazing coincidence, or an inspired in-joke. Why? Because the famous episode of Ellen in which Ellen DeGeneres’ character announced her sexual preference had the code title, “Ellen Gets a Puppy.”

The Wrist Camera Watch. How unspeakably James Bond. Casio manufactures a wristwatch, the WQV3-1BNDL, which serves as a digital camera that can store up to 80 images. It has a Visual Databank that stores not only the images but also names and phone numbers, it has a shutter delay of two to ten seconds, it has a full month calendar, it can interface with PCs and other wrist camera watches and—get this—I’m reasonably sure it tells time. The only thing it needs is a little button that makes a “zee-zee-zee” sound to summon Superman.

The uses to which this baby can be put are limitless. Imagine being able to snap pictures of a robber as he makes his getaway… provided, of course, it’s not the watch he’s getting away with.

Imagine you’re, let’s say, I dunno, Todd McFarlane, standing in a hallway at a convention and you’re concerned that standing just around the corner is someone you really don’t want to see—let’s say, I dunno, Neil Gaiman. No need to commit yourself. Just set the shutter delay on five, extend your wrist, click a picture, and check to see if the coast is clear. If it is, you can go on your way. If not, at the very least you can call your lawyer for instructions.

Imagine you’re a guy in a bar, and sitting two seats over is, let’s say, I dunno, Liz Vassey. You want to chat her up. You figure the moveable Tick Antenna you’re wearing isn’t going to impress her. So instead raise your wrist and say, “Hey Liz… think I can make some time with you?” She looks at you in befuddlement, and suddenly her picture magically appears on the face of your wristwatch. She smiles, enchanted by the magic of it all. She’s yours; from there on it’s just a matter of reeling her in. And need I remind you of the phone number recording option?

The retail on this puppy is about $200. If you’ve got an extra thirty bucks burning a hole in your pocket, Neiman-Marcus makes a separate edition of the watch which has a much snappier wristband.

Elfquest Action Figures. Kids, I have been waiting for these ever since I first saw prototypes at the San Diego Con and Richard Pini uttered the immortal words, “Peter, stop drooling on our characters.” At long last we’ve got Leetah, Cutter, Picknose, and—most impressively—Tyldak (not to mention Petalwing and Cutter’s wolf), beautifully colored and meticulously crafted. They come complete with interlocking stands to form one impressive display.

I regret to say they’re not perfect. If you’re a keep-them-in-the-packaging person, then there’s no problem. But me, I actually play with my toys, so if there’s design flaws, I’m going to find them. Cutter’s left leg required minor surgery when it came right off the first time I tried to move it, and I had to reinsert the hip pin. Furthermore, for some reason they decided to make the ankles one of the points of articulation. This was a mistake. The winged Tyldak fortunately comes with a separate rod to hold him upright, but the others don’t. Cutter’s standing in a dramatic pose with his feet spread, so in his case there’s no problem. But Leetah and Picknose have their feet close together and they’re both top-heavy; consequently, they have this tendency to slowly bend forward or backward at the ankles while displayed. There are ways to solve the display glitches (the most entertaining being shoving Petalwing up Leetah’s skirt to brace her) and even with the imperfections, the figures are still absolutely worth it. Hopefully the design flaws will be solved in future editions (I personally eagerly await Winnowill.)

And speaking of action figures, I should make note of what is possibly the least cool figure out there. The toy that any self-respecting comic book fan will take one look at and unleash a cry like unto the souls of the damned. Yes, as I’m sure you’ve surmised, I’m talking about…

Soccer Spider-Man. From Toy Biz, so Marvel has no one to blame but itself. A twelve-inch doll of Spider-Man outfitted in soccer ensemble. It’s wrong on so many levels, one barely knows where to begin. Heaven help us, there’s also baseball Spider-Man and jammin’ basketball Spider-Man. We are urged on the packaging to “Collect All Three,” which is kind of like acquiring athlete’s foot, jock itch, and psoriasis all in one day. What puts Soccer Spider-Man in a league of his own is the unspeakably ghastly black shorts with the web pattern decoration. Winner of the Super-Unhippest Comic Book Toy Award and also the cherished But I Digress “What the Hell Were They Thinking Award?” (last awarded to the fine folks who gave you that marvelous peanut butter confection, “Peter Pan Whipped,” which I notice disappeared off the grocery shelves not too long after I pointed out the unfortunate choice of product name and how it reflected poorly on both Wendy and Tinkerbell). One wonders who in the world was the target audience for this thing? Soccer Spider-Moms?

Here’s what I suggest, in order to save Spidey’s honor and what shreds of dignity he might have left. Buy however many of them you can afford. Put them in a pile. Then haul out your Thor hammer and go Whack-a-Mole on them. Yes, that’s right, use Mjolnir to Mjush them into Mjulch. Spidey will thank you for it.

It will certainly lend new meaning to the term, “Walloping Websnappers.”

(Peter David can be written to at Second Age, Inc. P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

BID Mailbag: No More Mr. Nice Guy continued

Originally published December 28, 2001, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1467

I was both surprised and not surprised over the reactions I received to my column about my frustrations with fans.

Michael M. of Mechanicsville, MD, wrote in to say, “A few weeks ago you wrote in your CBG column about comic book fans and how basically we’re all a bunch of jerks. Being a fan for well over half my life, I kinda agree with you. Some of the things I have seen at conventions and read online are pretty nasty. For such a wonderful (medium) as comic books, why are so many fans such imbeciles?” Michael then went on to discuss an exception to this fan overview, namely his eight year old son, Jonathan (who obviously is exceptionally bright since his favorite comic was Spyboy.)

I am not surprised that Michael believes that I think fans are “all a bunch of jerks.” I had a feeling that would be the impression derived from the column, mostly as a result of the following paragraph:

Now y’know, usually I say something like, “I’m not talking about every fan. I’m probably not talking about you. I’m talking about that guy standing behind you and to the right, trying to hide his face, trying not to make eye contact.” But I’m not saying that this time. I don’t feel like letting people off the hook. Because I want you to think about you, yourself, and I mean really think, and really consider, and say, “Hey, maybe he really is talking about me.”

The thing is, I never actually said that I thought all fans were a bunch of jerks. The problem is that when you write a critical essay about a certain group of people, the typical reaction for readers of the essay is to believe that they are not the subject of criticism. So I phrased that introductory paragraph in such a way as to encourage everyone reading to take a long, hard look at themselves. That’s all. I just wanted everyone to really, really think over their behavior and decide whether or not they’d indulged in behavior with pros that was less than considerate… not out of a desire to be mean or nasty, but just out of thoughtlessness.

Judging by some letters I received, many people did, in fact, get that. Or at the very least, they didn’t take umbrage over my simply wanting them to do some self-analysis. For instance, Joseph D. wrote, “I just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with everything you said and can understand your irritation. I’m sure most people have no idea what goes into creating a comic or even the logistics involved in making an appearance at a convention or store signing. Comic fans in general don’t seem to be happy unless they are griping about something. I wish I could say I’ve never acted in the fashion you describe, but I’m sure I have at some point. I also wish I could apologize on behalf of all fans, but that really has to be an individual thing. On the rare occasion that I do make it to a convention, I try to be respectful to all the creators I meet and thank them for their time.”

And at the Motor City convention just past, quite a few fans came by and not only made a point of being ultra-polite, but seemed to take great pleasure in doing so. Because they understood that behaving in that manner both gave them a clear conscience and also made the pro’s time spent there that much more enjoyable.

And hey, as an aside… for every fan who’s ever come up to me and then felt like kicking himself because he felt he said something really stupid, I feel your pain, brother. At Motor City, actor David Naughton was autographing across from me. He’s primarily known from American Werewolf in London, but I wanted to show how smart I was. So I ambled over and told him how great he was in the Broadway musical, City of Angels.

“That was my brother, James Naughton,” he replied.

See, gang? Someday you do can be a hot-shot pro and make a bigger jerk of yourself than you ever could as a fan.

What I was surprised about was the sentiment, voiced by no less an authority than Maggie herself, that I should follow up with a column about how nice fans can be.

Well… no. No, and here’s why:

I think it would be insulting to do so.

In the years upon years that I’ve been doing this column, I’ve cited dozens of instances of fan kindnesses, great and small. What would it be saying about fans if I thought they had such fragile egos that the only way they could handle a critical column was immediately to offset it with a glowing one.

Pros attend conventions primarily to give fans enjoyment. And yes, yes, I know, pros also sell material there, so the argument can be made that they’re directly profiting from the fans. I can’t speak for other pros, but for myself, most of the money I earn from selling comic book scripts, books and such, I wind up spending in the dealer’s room, and the rest goes to pay for meals and such. And it’s not as if it doesn’t cut both ways. When someone brings me twenty copies of Spider-Man 2099 #1, I know they’re for resale. I know the fan is going to be turning a buck off my signature. Hell, Frank Miller did a store signing in New York the day that DK2 came out. Exactly three and a half hours later, autographed copies were hitting eBay. And you know what I think? Fine. Go in health. If my defacing a comic book with my signature can get a fan some money, bring ’em on.

But that didn’t mean much to Max F., who wrote in to inform me that “many fans would describe you as pontificating, ignorant, insensitive and mean.”

Insensitive? Mean? Max, don’t get me started. Don’t get me started about the fan who spent a year harassing me via computer boards, letter writing campaigns, and on radio talk shows, because I wouldn’t publicly debate him a la Todd McFarlane. Or the guys currently trying to flood out my alt.fan board with crossposted porn garbage in order to drive me off the Internet completely. Or the time Jo Duffy was lounging poolside at a convention hotel, only to hear a fan nearby describing her in the following terms: “That Jo Duffy guy, what a jerk he is.” Or the fan who tried to strangle a friend of mine in an elevator during the San Diego Comic Con.

Damn. He got me started.

A column about how fans should behave? No, not at all necessary. For I am reminded of the episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, when a jittery Ted Baxter—on the eve of his wedding—asks Lou Grant for advice on how to improve himself. Grant tersely obliged him. The exchange went thusly: “Ted… you know the way you are?” “Yes.” “Don’t be that way.”

If I’ve described how fans shouldn’t be, do you guys really need me to tell you how you should be? I mean, jeez, wouldn’t that just be incredibly condescending? Even “pontificating?”

Did I ever intend to say that all fans are “jerks?” No, of course not. Are even most fans like that? No, of course not. Most fans are thoughtful and considerate, such as Anthony F. who wrote, “I was glad that you clarified a point that I was trying to make about fans questioning Kurt Busiek about his health and the status of Astro City. My intent in claiming that fan questions could be construed as concern as I believe it is with my students. However, as I read your column and then reread my letter, I realized that my point could be misunderstood. I applaud you for taking Jeff D. to task for his audacity.”

And frankly, the letter that meant the most to me… and the appropriate one to close this out with… was from Kurt Busiek, who wrote:

I just read the 11/16 column in CBG. Thanks. I appreciate it enormously. The column had Ann almost in tears, she was so pleased to see someone saying what you said.

So thank you.

And sure enough, now I know what all those Usenet threads about what a jerk you are are all about. Funny that they all railed at length about how you’re dissing the fans, and never once mentioned what you were saying all this stuff for…

But also sure enough, most of them–at least six of them–are the same guy, agreeing with himself.

Gotta love the Internet.

And again, thanks. But I am not neither thrifty! Ann’ll tell you…

Now that’s a nice guy. You guys want to know who to act like? Act like him.

(Peter David can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Legends of Tarzan, Harry Potter, and more

Originally published December 21, 2001, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1466

Various thoughts…

Is anyone paying attention to the Legends of Tarzan animated series currently running in syndication? To the best of my knowledge, there has never been any dramatized version of Tarzan that has ever incorporated as much of the original Edgar Rice Burroughs material as this Disney follow-up to the animated feature has. Granted, there are changes, some of them rather arbitrary (Tarzan’s mate, Jane, for instance, is inexplicably a British brunette rather than a blonde American southerner.) But I was astounded to see such old people and places from my youth as the Waziri, La of Opar, Samuel T. Philander, Pellucidar and others crop up with regularity. Clearly the makers of the series are taking their ERB seriously. It’s stuff that means nothing to most kid viewers, but is certainly appreciated by this long-time ERB fan. If you can get past Tarzan’s dreadlocks and the overly cutesy depictions of such animal regulars as Tantor, you’ll discover a series that’s a real treat for long-time ERB fans who have had to settle for the first hour of Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan and the original Elmo Lincoln silent version as the only remotely faithful adaptations of the jungle lord.

* * *

I almost gave poor Garrick Hagon a heart attack at the Detroit Motor City convention this past weekend. Hagon, best known to fans as “Biggs Darklighter,” Luke Skywalker’s (heavily edited out) friend on Tatooine, was in attendance at the Nexus Resurrection Convention in Berlin. There he met my sixteen year old daughter, Gwen. So there we are, a week or so later in Detroit, and Garrick’s signing table was set up across the aisle from mine. I walked across to say hi to him, and he said, “Is your daughter with you?” Without thinking, I pointed to my table and said, “Yup, there she is.” He took one look at Ariel, aged ten, and his jaw dropped. “My God… what happened to her?!” he said, utterly befuddled.

I realized the basis for confusion, but simply said with a deadpan, “Accident with the dryer.”

* * *

Can you imagine if the first film in the Lord of the Rings trilogy had been released a year ago, and we were coming up on the middle installment this month? Because I would bet you anything that the Hollywood moguls would insist on changing the title, feeling that releasing a movie called The Two Towers would summon up all sorts of associations that they would consider decidedly uncomfortable. And then you’d have all the Tolkein fans howling and expressing disdain for Hollywood thinking, and all the execs saying they’re just trying to be sensitive to the feelings of all Americans who don’t want to be reminded of the tragedy.

And speaking of major fantasy films: The greatest magic ever wielded by Harry Potter has nothing to do with thwarting the plans of Lord Voldemort, or the sales success of the series, or the rags-to-second-richest-woman-in-the-UK story of creator J.K. Rowling. No, it has to be the spectacular feat of casting a spell upon Hollywood, the place that decided what The Scarlet Letter really needed was a happy ending. The place where even its successful adaptations of books were massively different from the source material (i.e., The Wizard of Oz.). Instead the operative word for the conversion of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone to big-budget film has been “respect.” Typically movie bigwigs prefer working with dead authors so they can do whatever they want without squawking and interference. In the cases of living authors, they are sometimes kept on as “consultants” which really doesn’t mean much of anything except the director will say, “What do you think of this?” before going off and doing whatever he wants.

Not so in this case. Obviously director Chris Columbus and screenwriter Steve Kloves decided that, if they were going to make any errors in the production of the film of Sorcerer’s Stone, it was going to be on the side of fidelity to the source material. The thing is, the source material is hardly bulletproof. The last thirty or so pages of Rowling’s narrative build up a head of steam similar to the Hogwart’s Express. Until that time, Harry’s adventures are episodic at best. The tissues which tie them together lay in the characterization, and also in the subsidiary threads such as the constant struggling between the school houses (i.e., fraternities) for “points” in pursuit of the House Cup at the end of the term. So whenever Harry and pals are breaking the rules, not only is life and limb at stake, but there’s also the concern that being caught will redound to the detriment of the respective house. There’s few concerns that resonate with kids, or even adults, as the prospect of losing face with one’s peers, and that aspect was instrumental in holding the novel together. But most of the material about points was deleted because it didn’t move the actual plot along, and that sacrifice makes Harry’s escapades even more unconnected, causing the story to drag.

The problem is, there’s lots of things Columbus and Kloves could have done to streamline the narrative, and made it a better movie… but it would have been at the cost of alienating the target audience that comes out of a 153 minute movie cranky because Peeves the Poltergeist was missing. I mean, you could dump the opening sequence with Harry being abandoned as a baby at the Dursley’s, because it provides us with no information that we don’t acquire elsewhere in the narrative, but who wants to miss Hagrid’s first entrance on the flying motorcycle?

So critics are picking on the film because it’s too faithful. Some people are even complaining because Quidditch looked “too violent.” Well, heck yeah. That’s the irony of Harry’s situation. While he lived in a closet, he may have been bored and sad and neglected, but he was also safe. The far more exciting world of wizarding that he comes to inhabit is genuinely dangerous. For once, Hollywood made the conscious decision of setting aside the idiotic director’s auteur theory. Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone is not a Chris Columbus film, no matter what the credits may say. It is, in fact, a J.K. Rowling film, and if it dragged in places or didn’t have the vision of a Terry Gilliam propelling it, fine. If I want to see the world of Gilliam, I’ll toss on Baron Munchausen. If I want to see the world of J.K. Rowling, it’s safe and sound at the local cineplex, and I for one am not complaining

* * *

I like to write poetry and songs every so often. I wrote the following right before the bombing started in Afghanistan. Thought I’d share it with you. The scan of the refrain line isn’t perfect, since the syllable accent of “Osama bin Laden” varies from the original name used in the song, but it’s close enough.

(sung to “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego”)

 

Well he sneaks around the Mid-East from the Saudis to the Afghans

He’s a good-for-nothing bad-guy from Iran down to Iraq

He’ll be hiding ‘neath your bed or wrapped up inside two kaftans

Tell me, where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

 

He’s a pup inside a tent, sending lambs into the slaughter

He’s got lawn and camel jockeys riding horseback in Peru

But the Taliban can’t find him though one’s married to his daughter

Tell me, where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

 

He goes from Cairo to Kuwait, Baghdad to Geneva

And Kabul to Outer Mongolia and back!

 

Well he’ll take a tour de France and blow up the Eiffel Tower

Then he’ll swing on through Berlin and help destroy a few more lives

Takes an ego trip through London, he’s the Big Bin of the hour

Tell me, where in the world is Osama bin Laden

 

Oh, tell me, where in the world is… tell me, where can he be?

Manhattan to Fresno, Beirut via Istanbul, maybe it might be he’s burning in hell?

Well he’s hiding underground, thinks that human lives don’t matter

He’s a millionaire destroyer giving Allah a bad name

When he’s finally found we’ll have his head upon a silver platter,

Tell me, where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)