Dan Van Oss's Blog, page 7

We’ll Take The Shakes But Hold The Snakes (It’s St. Patrick’s Day)

First, the obligatory St. Patrick’s Day Joke: What’s green and gets made fun of because it involves drinking copious amounts of beer? Answer: Germany! While we admit that that joke was lame and pretty much just made up on the spot, at least it gives us an intro for today’s historically inept treatise on the only holiday named after a saint. Unless you count Saints Valentine, Nicholas, Independence or Arbor. (Mental note: check to see ifPunxsutawney Phil is Catholic.)

Saint Patrick’s Day is cel...

How to Hang a Picture (In Three Nail Holes Or Less)

Adding beauty and attractiveness to your home and apartment with new artwork is easy when you know how. Unfortunately, we only know the hard way, so here we go. First, you will of course need something to hang on your wall. If you don’t already own a picture, you are probably a guy, in which case we suggest obtaining Dogs Playing Poker or Albert Einstein Sticking His Tongue Out. If you are married, the picture has already been sitting in the den for three weeks waiting for you to put it up, s...

20 (Suspicious and Somewhat Useless) Facts About Missouri

If you like your states between -40 and 118 degrees and full of holes, you’ll love Missouri!
1
Official Motto:“Salus Populi Suprema Lex Esto”(Let the welfare of the people be the supreme law.)
Unofficial Motto: “Etiam eu libero Budweiser cervisiam ad finem” (Yes, you get free beer at the end of the Budweiser tour.)

2

The first successful parachute jump from an airplane was made in St. Louis by Captain Albert Berry. Fortunately, the airplane was on the ground and not moving at the time.

3

Richard Ble...

Please Bee Mine, Deer, It’s Valentine’s Day!

For many people, Valentine’s day evokes memories of unrequited grade school crushes, paper Valentine receptaclebags decorated with hearts and paste and taped to your school desk to hopelessly await Cindy Melpers Valentine (which never came), and indigestible antacidhearts that toldus “YOU ROCK,” even when we knew better. For others, it’s even worse.

Cheese-making bryds and the Black Death

“Valentine’s Day”, also known as “The Feast of Saint Valentine”, also known as “Obligatory Chalky Heart Con...

All About Our Minor U.S. Presidents: Millard Fillmore

Unless you’re an American History professor in a small liberal arts college in the Midwest who wears those corduroy jackets with the patches on the elbows and smokes a pipe and drives a vintage VW bug with a fading flower power sticker still on it, you probably think that’s what all American History professors are like. Well, that’s why they’re not going to help you appreciate the unsung heroes of the presidential seal; the non-Lincolns and un-Roosevelts and others who aren’t famous just beca...

It’s the Super Bo… Excuse me; the “Sensational Basin”!

The Super Bowl®, as you probably already know, is the annual, intensely-trademarked championship game held at the end of each decade-long season of professional American football. It should not be confused withthe lesser-knownSupra Bowl, which isheld by disgruntled ex-Toyota executives by smashingToyota Suprasinto each other in the parking lot of Toyota headquarters. The game is played in early February, approximately three weeks after all 48 playoff games have been completed, giving each tea...

Prognosticating Hedgehogs and Whistle Pigs

Groundhog Day (Canadian French:Jour de la Marmotte[“Marmot Soup”] and PennsylvaniaGerman:Grundsaudaag,Murmeltiertag [“Mumble Mumble Mumble Groundhog”]) is celebrated every February 2nd, primarily in the United States, but also in Canada, where they have to pry the frozen groundhog out the ground with a crowbar. Popular folklore says the if it is sunny when the groundhog emerges from his den, there will be six more weeks of winter, but if it iscloudy, then the groundhog will demand two tickets...

20 (Suspicious and Somewhat Useless) Facts About Illinois

1

Official Motto: “State Sovereignty, National Union”

Unofficial Motto: “Speed limit? What speed limit?”

2

The Illinois state song is entitled “Illinois,” a long, meandering song whose only word appears to be “Illinois”. Since it was ratified in 1925, no one has ever been able to finish singing it.

3

Metropolis, the home of Superman, really exists in Southern Illinois, which explains why the Fortress of Solitude is a Big John’s grocery store on East 5th Street.

4

Because of spelling challenges, Illin...

The Rose Parade: More Than Just Ostrich Racing and Horse Diapers

The Rose Parade, also known as the “Rose Parade presented by Honda”, also known as “The Rose Parade (This Spot Available Next Year for $100,000,000)”, is held in Pasadena, California every year on New Year’s Day. It is seen by the hundreds of thousands of people who line the streets each year, plus millions more in over 100 countries, and also by any sentient life on Alpha Centauri who are just now seeing the 2012 broadcast, for which we say, sorry about the Occupy Octopus float; it was just...

Dinner Buckets, Goal Posts, and Baby Splits

The earliest, most primitive forms of bowling occurred in Ancient Egypt, where the sport never really caught on because they used only pyramid-shaped balls. Then, during the time of the Roman Empire, a similar game evolved, played between Roman legionaries, which entailed tossing stone objects as close as possible to bands of raving Visigoths and then running away. This game was popular with the soldiers, as it allowed them more time away from the field of battle not dying, and eventually evo...