Dan Van Oss's Blog, page 2

I Don’t Ever Not Care If I Don’t Never Not Get Back (Cracker Jack)Stick around for a doolalley of a column on America's oldest snack.

Cracker Jack is a uniquely American snack surprisingly made from neither crackers nor jacks, but molasses-flavored popcorn and peanuts. It was invented in the late 19th century (Official Motto: “Anyone Want To Buy A Bunch Of Buggy Whips Cheap?”) by Frederick William Rueckheim, a Chicago popcorn vendor who developed the now closely-guarded secret method of keeping molasses-coated popcorn kernels from clumping together by [redacted by Frito Lay company], and that’s how babies are made. Fritz, a...

Tree Sap, Science, and Bazooka Joe’s Real Name (Chewing Gum)We ruminate on (but don't swallow) the history of our most favorite inedible hydrocarbon polymer.

Chewing gum is a soft, flavored confectionery designed for maximum adherence to minivan carpets. It is also used for freshening breath, blowing bubbles, popping bubbles in order to annoy coworkers, and for reminding smokers that their doctor was right: nicotine is really addictive.

Tree sap vs.Manilkara zapota van Royen

The first gum chewers voluntarily put into their faces the same thing that sticks to our hands for a week after putting up a Christmas tree.

Varieties of substances have been c...

Smells Like Preschool Spirit (Play-Doh)We squeeze out a column on the world's favorite ex-wallpaper cleaner.

Play-Doh is a modeling compound used by children as an unsupervised alternate food source plus a really easy way to make snakes. Simple, colorful and reusable, this popular creative toy is lodged in the memories of most American children like a piece of dried, red Play-Doh stuck in that “Fun Factory” thing that’s supposed to squeeze out cool tubes that look like poop but your sister left it out last time she used it even though you were the one who cleaned it the last time she left it like th...

Puck Bunnies, Flying Squids and Womochowskionski’s Crease (Ice Hockey)We throw our gloves down and take a swing at America's most bearded sport.

Okay, so everyone knows the joke about going to a fight and having a hockey game break out, but in case you haven’t heard it before: “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.” Possibly our most violent sport, not counting Wolverine Jarts, Russian Tank Roulette and trying to get a seat on the Chicago CTA during rush hour, hockey has garnered a poor reputation that has kept the many positive aspects of the game, such as not being on TV very much, from being enjoyed by potential sports fan...

Puck Bunnies, Flying Squids and Womochowskionski’s Crease: It’s Hockey!We throw our gloves down and take a swing at America's most bearded sport.

Okay, so everyone knows the joke about going to a fight and having a hockey game break out, but in case you haven’t heard it before: “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.” Possibly our most violent sport, not counting Wolverine Jarts, Russian Tank Roulette and trying to get a seat on the Chicago CTA during rush hour, hockey has garnered a poor reputation that has kept the many positive aspects of the game, such as not being on TV very much, from being enjoyed by potential sports fan...

Come See The Best Thing Since Itself (The Bread Slicing Machine)Taking a whack at history's most important invention (next to the cigarette umbrella).

In the pantheon of history there exists a singular crowning achievement, a kairotic moment if you will, or even if you won’t; a truly pivotal event in the unfolding saga that is this flowering enigma called mankind, so signaled by an invention exhibiting the pinnacle of American know-how, which has since proved to be the benchmark of and ultimate standard by which the greatness of all other things prior to the existence of the item in question is to be measured. Therefore, in order to justify...

Just Don’t Say Anything About the Granite Boogers (Mount Rushmore)Our historically inept discourse on the Monument To A Bunch Of Guys With Really Big Heads.

At an elevation of some 5,725 feet nestled in the rugged Black Hills of South Dakota, chiseled into the cold granite of the mountain the native Lakota Sioux indians called “Six Grandfathers”, there lies a gift shop from which you can purchase a snow globe featuring one of America’s most impressive National Memorials, Mount Rushmore.

Not your averageDanish intestinal pathosis

The monument was authorized by Congress (Official Motto: “We Get The Thingz Dun Rites!”) on March 3, 1925.

The brainchil...

Just don’t say anything about the granite boogers (Mount Rushmore)Our historically inept discourse on the Monument To A Bunch Of Guys With Really Big Heads.

At an elevation of some 5,725 feet nestled in the rugged Black Hills of South Dakota, chiseled into the cold granite of the mountain the native Lakota Sioux indians called “Six Grandfathers”, there lies a gift shop from which you can purchase a snow globe featuring one of America’s most impressive National Memorials, Mount Rushmore.

Not your averageDanish intestinal pathosis

The monument was authorized by Congress (Official Motto: “We Get The Thingz Dun Rites!”) on March 3, 1925.

The brainchil...

Just don’t say anything about the granite boogers (it’s Mount Rushmore)Our historically inept discourse on the Monument To A Bunch Of Guys With Really Big Heads.

At an elevation of some 5,725 feet nestled in the rugged Black Hills of South Dakota, chiseled into the cold granite of the mountain the native Lakota Sioux indians called “Six Grandfathers”, there lies a gift shop from which you can purchase a snow globe featuring one of America’s most impressive National Memorials, Mount Rushmore.

Not your averageDanish intestinal pathosis

The monument was authorized by Congress (Official Motto: “We Get The Thingz Dun Rites!”) on March 3, 1925.

The brainchil...

Calm Your Caxirolas: It’s the World Cup!We do our best to explain earth's quadrennial vuvuzela fixation.

Every four years there is an earth-wide contest to see who are the most obnoxious soccer fans in the universe, during which some games are also played. This is the FIFA World Cup, which, to many Americans, has all the excitement of wondering whether or not you remembered to use that $5 off coupon at your last oil change, but to the rest of the world, is like the Super Bowl and the World Series had a baby, and it descended to earth wrapped in a fiery rainbow and wearing golden shin guards, and...