Lindsay Detwiler's Blog, page 3

Why These Socks Are the Perfect Gift for the Women on Your List

Thank you to Chrissy's Socks for these gorgeous, cozy knee socks to try for free....I loved being able to try them out and tell all of you my honest opinions of them.

2020 taught most of us many things. We learned to adapt to new work environments. We learned that sometimes the simplest things are the most important. We learned that connection is key to happiness. And we learned that being cozy at home isn't always a bad thing.

Since 2020, I have definitely been investing in my cozy, at-home wardrobe. Cozy wear has become a staple, which is why I'm obsessed with the pink socks from Chrissy's Socks. They are knee-high, super comfy, and have the cutest patterns. They make me feel stylish and fun even when I'm lounging at home.

I love curling up with a good book and a throw with these on. I love that they are perfect for any season. They really just add a pop of fun to your at-home wardrobe and show off your personality. They also are a mega hit on IG photos :) (Hello #socksunday). I love that they are made in the USA and fur free.

The other thing I love? They are super affordable, so they make a great gift for anyone on your list. Pick a few based on the person's personality, or mix and match some patterns in a cozy basket for a unique gift they can't get anywhere else. I personally love the cat lover socks because I'm a cat lady.

Be sure to head over and check them out, and scroll down for some more pics of my favorites.

4 Ways to Entertain Party Guests

Four Ways to Entertain Party GuestsOne of the most exciting things about adulthood (besides being able to eat cake whenever you want and set your own bedtime) is being able to host events. After 2020, many of us are longing for parties and bashes.

But how do you make sure your party is one to remember and not a flop? How do you keep your guests entertained and staying longer than an hour? 

If you're looking for some ideas on how to keep the party exciting, look no further. I've got four ideas for you to use at any gathering, big or small, in order to ensure no one is watching the clock or trying to make a quick exit.1. Get out the Board GamesI know this sounds overly simple, but board games really do bring a room of people together and bring out the laughs. We spend so much time on our phones and devices, it's really a fun, refreshing change to set aside technology and play some basic favorites. 

I would suggest gathering a selection of classics and fun, modern hits. I know some of our favorites are Scattergories, Uno, Yahtzee (especially the yard Yahtzee we have), Twister, Pictionary, and Monopoly. 

​If you want to really up the stakes, have a score board that guests can update throughout the night. Set up different gaming tables and stations that are spread throughout the venue to give people a chance to gather and play.
2. Create Make Your Own Food OptionsLet's face it...most of us go to parties for the food. Eating can certainly bring everyone together and make your party memorable. Thus, don't just serve your food and get it over with as quickly as possible. Try involving your guests in the process.

Try a make your own walking taco bar, a mac and cheese bar, or even a hot dog bar. I've also seen some really fun cupcake decorating and sundae bars that kept people engaged throughout the night. There's nothing better than a buffet-style option for at least one of your dishes with all sorts of new toppings to try.
3. Hire a unique kind of entertainment People love unique experiences, so try giving them something they'll never forget at your party. One really fun idea for modern parties is to find a psychic for hire. Even your most skeptical guests will enjoy the rush of doing something new, and it can be a fun way to add some curiosity and wonder to your party.

Other ideas include finding a magician in your area who would be willing to perform or even a local comedian. People love getting to view live acts, so bring those into your party setting for some true entertainment.
4. Hire live musicMusic is always a party go-to. Try adding a dance floor to your venue, even if it is in your backyard. Instead of going with a deejay, consider finding live musicians to perform. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Find a high school band who is looking for a gig, or check out some of the non-profit music groups in your area who might play for donations to their cause. 



Do you have any ideas for entertainment? Add them below in the comments.

Why Living Your Best Life is Daunting

How to Live Your Best Life EverBe yourself. 
Live the life you want.
Don’t worry about what others think.
Live your best life every single day.

We’ve all seen the myriad articles, posters, quotes, and social media posts encouraging us to do just that. Hell, I’m even guilty of writing a few inspirational posts about how we all need to strive to chase our passions and just live the life we want. But here’s the thing I’ve been thinking about lately: Living your best life is freaking exhausting, scary, and sometimes, quite frankly, feels impossible.

None of us want to live a life of misery and fake feelings or a life that is superficial. We all want the inner peace that comes from living a life that is true to who you are. We all want that monk-like serenity and a confidence in our belief systems that comes with it. And I think I speak for most of us when I say we do our best to try to find all of that.

We read books and take online courses. We binge-watch motivational speakers who tell us how to live our life without caring what others think. We turn to meditation, yoga, nature walks, journaling, or whatever else we can get our hands on in order to find some centering and live the life that speaks to us. Still, so many of us seem to be struggling. So many of us seem to be unhappy and unsure of the life we’re living. However, few of us talk about that. We want to think that if we just put in the work or sift through our emotions, we can be smiling lakeside and taking deep breaths of air in a fresh, perfect life we’ve uncovered within. If we just keep smiling, all will be perfect eventually.

But the thing is: Many of us ARE struggling to find this best life. Many of us feel like we’re failing, which can create its own set of stresses. When you feel like not only are you failing at living your best life but you’re also missing the mark in even trying to find it, it’s easy to discount everything you’ve done. I think that’s perfectly understandable, and I think it makes sense why so many of us are having a hard time figuring out our best selves.

Foremost, there’s something hardwired in our society, especially as women, that creates deep-rooted conflict when we try to chase our best life. A major tenant of this aspiration is that in order to live the life you want, sometimes you have to ignore what everyone else thinks. Here arises conflict one: Most of us have been indoctrinated with the belief that to think of yourself and not others is morally wrong. Women especially are taught from a young age to put others first, to be charitable and considerate of everyone’s feelings. We are taught how to be gracious hosts, how to be sweet, how kindness matters above all else, and how to care for our families. We are taught to avoid conflict like the plague and to turn the other cheek. Often, this leads to all sorts of inner turmoil when we do the unthinkable and examine our own wants, needs, and feelings instead. Even when we know it’s happening, it can be really hard to nullify those worries, even at a subconscious level. Thus, even when we try to examine what we want, we almost always look at it through a lens of what others want from us as well. This means our views of what truly will bring us peace are always contorted by social mores. 

In addition, self-doubt is a roadblock in our quest for the best version of our lives. Many of us are guided by fear and reality. When we think about what we really want in life, it can be a complete outlier to the life we are supposed to want. Society has a very defined view of what “living your best life” looks like, and if what you want doesn’t fit that mold, it can be easy to talk yourself out of it. Moreover, many of us let critical self-talk override our dreams. We’re afraid we’re not smart enough, brave enough, worthy enough to pursue whatever life it is we want. 

And finally, I think the reason living your best life is so much harder than reading a few self-help books or meditating a few minutes a day is that if we’re honest, so few of us actually really know exactly what we want. Even if we can assuage those deep-seated teachings about selfishness and can overcome the self-doubt monster, many of us are left feeling lost in a forest of different paths when we really get down to it. We dig deep inside of ourselves and wade through the darkness only to find when we get to the center that there’s a big blank space. What the hell do I want? It’s a question I’ve tried to answer over and over and over again in my thirties. Oftentimes, I come up blank.

I don’t know if many of us can be 100% certain about what our best life looks like. If we did, we wouldn’t really need to struggle and to evolve in order to figure things out. We’d all come with an instructions manual and just follow the steps to achieve maximum self-actualization. Life isn’t made that way, though. So much of it, as cheesy as it sounds, really is about the journey. 

So, what’s the answer, then, to this mucky ball of confusion surrounding self-fulfillment?

I think it’s that we keep trying to find that elusive pile of gold that is happiness. We try new things to see what sparks joy in us--I’m looking at you, Mari Kondo. We take time to self-reflect. We use the quotes and speakers and meditation and whatever else helps us stay grounded, but we also realize that these aren’t magic fixes. We assess our feelings. We change directions. We change directions again because we understand that our version of our best life might change as we grow, too. 

We might get our “best life” wrong at first. We might think we know what it is only to get there and realize that wasn’t what we wanted at all. Sometimes, we might feel within an arm’s reach of our best life. Other times, it might feel like we have to trek through the Grand Canyon to get there and we’re all out of energy.

I hope, though, that no matter where you are in your journey to happiness, you remember this.

You are worthy of happiness, even if it takes a lifetime for you to really sort it out.
It isn’t easy for anyone, no matter what the cheesy posters and inspiring posts tell you.

And most of all, I hope you know that whatever life you’re living, whether it’s your best or not, there are beautiful things about you and your present. Don’t let the gorgeous mountain views pass you by because you’re so focused on reaching the top.

3 Top Tips for Making and Sticking to a Budget

Whether you're newly married, just bought a house of your own, are in college, or are in the middle of your career, many of us struggle so much with our finances. In normal times, figuring out a budget and how to make your money work for you can be tough. During the COVID-19 pandemic, however, many found themselves in new, challenging situations; the long-term effects of the pandemic on finances are quite frightening as well. Thus, for many of us, 2021 is a time to reflect on our financial situation and plan for the future.

When my husband lost his job in 2019, we were sent into a scary financial whirlwind. Then the pandemic hit, and things got worse before they got better. We quickly realized that in our eight years of marriage, we really had never made a financial plan or budget to stick to. Thus, out of the wreckage of those hard years came some benefits--we learned how to create a financial plan and stick to it.

Here are three top tips if you're new to budgeting or if you just need a refresher. 
1. Know where you are starting  The first key to a successful budgeting plan is to know exactly what position you are in. This means you need to get real about how much you are spending and where. You need to take a hard look at your debts and what money is going out. Some key questions to ask and to communicate with your partner about:
How much money are you bringing in a month?How much is going out?Are you contributing to savings and retirement? What percent?What variable expenses are eating away at your money?Can you cancel any subscriptions you don't use?
Facing your actual financial position can be scary. So many of us prefer to stick our heads in the sand and just go with the flow. However, this can lead to issues down the road, especially when the unexpected happens (like a loss of hours at work or a layoff). Know your position and what your goals are.
2. Use Cash Many budgeting experts, including Dave Ramsey, note that using cash can help you stick to a budget. I implemented an envelope system for our family and have seen great results. Having the physical cash in hand allows you to better assess how you are doing with your targets each month and gives you a visual for what the impact of each purchase will be. I am much less apt to hand over cash on a wasteful purchase knowing how little I will have left in my spending envelope for the month.

Create envelopes for the categories that make sense for you. I have one for spending, one for vet bills, one for entertainment and dates, and one for my hair expenses (which is my splurge). I also have a cash reserve for emergencies. 3. Reflect and Reassess Often The most important thing to do in order to adhere to your budget is to constantly reflect on how you are doing. Each month, I assess how well I stuck to budget categories and how unexpected expenses tripped me up. My husband and I now have frequent conversations about our money and our future goals so we are on the same page.

A big part of financial planning is simply being honest and realistic about how you are doing. It's easy to ignore budget categories and just swipe the card. However, I have found that the peace of mind that comes from financial peace of mind is worth the extra effort.

Do You Ever Want to Disappear From Your Life? What Every Woman Needs To Know Now

Has there ever been a moment, no matter how brief, where you fantasize about disappearing from your own life? 

I’m not talking about suicide or kidnapping. I’m not talking about living a life on the run. I’m talking about getting lost in the fantasy of getting in the car and just driving away. Maybe it’s just for a day where no one can text you, the dog can’t ask to go out fifty times, and the dishes aren’t piled up in the sink staring at you. Or maybe it’s longer. Maybe in your fantasy, you drive until you hit a secluded beach town. You trade your corporate office for a job shaking drinks at a Tiki Bar and singing karaoke at night. 

From what I’ve gathered, I think so many women have moments (or even many moments) where they fantasize about leaving their life, where they dream that they live a different life entirely. And I think a lot of women are afraid to admit that because it makes us sound ungrateful, selfish, and like bad mothers, partners, and workers.

But here’s the thing, ladies. I think it’s completely understandable why so many of us sometimes get caught up in wishing life was different, simpler, quieter. I think it’s completely reasonable that in modern times, women crave the freedom of being who they want and shedding some of the responsibilities. Because for the modern woman, life is exhausting.

That’s not to say men don’t have their struggles, too. To be human is to struggle. To be human is to be frustrated, to take on too many responsibilities sometimes, and to wonder if you’re doing it right. Today, though, we’re talking about the plight of modern women mostly because, to be honest, that’s what I’m familiar with. As a 33-year-old woman, I feel that’s what I can speak the most accurately to.

We are living in beautiful times as women in so many ways. This is not to say life is perfect or that equality is 100%. I know we still have our inequities, injustices, and major hurdles to overcome. Still, living in 2021 as a woman, I feel like I really do have endless possibilities. Want to be a doctor? Go do it. Want to go to the moon? Sure thing. Want to be a stay-at-home mom? Yes, yes, yes. You really do get to choose what you want to do in your career path, and although we could talk about equal pay controversies, let’s just agree that we do have more freedom of choice than our grandmothers and great-grandmothers. That’s a beautiful thing.

However, with choice and freedom comes responsibility. Because even though we are living in an era where women can chase careers and be who they want to be, there still is so much social pressure on us to carry our traditional roles. No matter how awesome your partner is, so many women I know carry the weight of running the household, dinner, laundry, carting the kids around, and all of the traditional domestic roles our grandmothers carried--except now, many of us are working full-time jobs or chasing careers. Or, even if you are a stay-at-home mother, there’s still so much more on our plates than those who went before us. Times have changed. Schedules are hectic. Gone are the days of quiet dinners at home and peaceful nights by the radio. We live our lives at 100 miles an hour plus, and it can be exhausting keeping up.

Add to that financial stresses, career stresses, social stresses of being a friend worthy of a romcom movie, and no wonder so many of us are walking around feeling like zombies. The to-do lists are never ending at work--and then we come home to a never-ending domestic to-do list. And even with the most helpful husband who carries half the weight, it just still feels like housekeeping and decorating and hosting seems to belong to the female side of the relationship. If my house were cruddy for a family get-together, I know--or at least I’ve been trained to believe--that everyone would be looking at me with disdain, not my husband. The “boys will be boys” attitude seems to carry over into adulthood and into domestic life.

There’s also the fact that for so many women I know, a sense of deep-rooted responsibility causes us to want to do all the things. From the time we are little girls, most of us are taught the worst thing you can be in the world is selfish. Our definitions of selfish morph and twist as we observe social mores, community beliefs, and standards. To be a “good” woman--and, henceforth, daughter, wife, mother, etc--one must be selflessly giving and nice. We must seek to make others smile. We must ask what they need and try to give it to them. We must do all the things for those around us so we can be cherished as a successful female.

Many of us grow up to realize that “selflessness” often treads into the dangerous doormat territory. At some point, most women realize that to give to all means to be empty. We recognize we must say “no,” sometimes and we must put our needs first if we are ever to survive. Still, I would argue that this deep-rooted notion of being selfless is so ingrained in most of us, we still abide by it even when we aren’t trying to.

It’s why we say sure to running all the errands while our husbands take some time to relax. 

It’s why we push through and go to the game or the social event even when we feel like we have the flu.

It’s why we take on that extra committee at work even though it will mean we don’t have any time to ourselves during the week.

It’s why we do the dishes at midnight and wash that extra load of laundry and change the sheets on Sunday morning instead of sipping coffee.

It’s why we feel the need to be the best at work and at home. It’s why we feel like we need to do all the things--and with a smile worthy of a magazine, to boot.

It’s why so many women are running around bleary-eyed, passionless, and empty.

We put pressure on ourselves to be perfect at our careers, at our passions, as moms, as pet owners, as wives, as girlfriends, as friends, as mothers, as sisters, as daughters, and every other role we take on. We feel guilty for taking a break or saying “no.” Certainly we can do just one more thing or be just one more thing for someone. If we just do that one last thing, maybe we will be worthy.

But my question is: Worthy of what? Why are we feeling the need to do all the things all the time? 

That brings me back to my point. Yes, we are blessed to have more choices than our ancestors did. Yes, the women who have gone before us fought for our right to have freedoms they could only dream of. Yes, I am grateful I can be a teacher or a doctor or a singer or a psychiatrist or whatever I want to be. 

But here’s the thing, ladies. Just because you CAN be everything doesn’t mean you have to. 

I think sometimes we get so caught up in being all the things that we forget to ask what we really want. What really matters? What fills us up with passion and excitement?

I think that’s where the fantasy of disappearing comes from. It is such a foreign concept for so many of us to get out of bed and be who we want to be and do what we want to do that we fantasize about it. We fantasize about just living for ourselves, about not having to wear a million different hats. I think that’s why so many of us wake up in our 30s or 40s and feel trapped, passionless, and used up. 

And I think that’s a shame.

Now listen, I know we can’t all just throw down the laundry baskets and corporate reports and head to the tropics to start a commune where we have no chores. I know we can’t just live a life guided by our whims and our joys. Adult life is a downer in that way. There are some necessary evils of growing up. We can’t all pull a Chris McCandless and disappear from our lives, even if living in the quiet solitude on a bus in Alaska sounds joyous--although it didn’t end well for him. 

We can, however, learn from people like Chris McCandless. I think we can realize that to live well is to live peacefully and to chase your dreams. That means you will have to say no to some aspects of your life sometimes. This means you will have to make some changes and that we, as women, must make some promises to each other.

Let’s stop fantasizing about escaping and find escapism in our own lives.

Let’s have those tough conversations with our partners about how burnt-out we are and how we need help.

Let’s stop cleaning baseboards and climbing on chairs to clean a speck of dust off fans when we’re hosting. Let’s be realistic about how busy women are and how we can’t be held to ridiculous domestic standards--nor should we be.

Let’s say “no” at work if taking on a new responsibility isn’t something we want right now. Let’s be honest about the fact that just because we can do it all doesn’t mean we have to.

Let’s stop worrying so much about dishes in the sink or baskets of laundry that need folded. Let’s say screw it sometimes and take the morning off to sip coffee.

Let’s team up with other moms to set up carpool systems so we can get some time to ourselves.

Let’s not feel like every single moment of our lives has to be scheduled or planned. Let’s aim for quality over quantity when it comes to activities. Boredom breeds creativity sometimes. 

Most of all, let’s be honest in our struggles. Let’s stop wearing the damn fake perfect white teeth smiles of magazines. Let’s stop stressing about our hair and our weight and our outfits. Let’s be real that sometimes, sweatpants and a frizzy ponytail is the best we can do. Let’s put on that looser shirt when we gain a few pounds instead of starving ourselves to the point of passing out just so we have a flatter stomach.

Let’s stop pretending we are superwomen who can do it all with a smile on our face and high heels. Let’s stop thinking that asking for help is defeat. Let’s stop celebrating fakeness online where celebrity women accomplish millions of things on their own (newsflash: many of them have teams that help them).

Let’s stop idolizing exhaustion and start celebrating mindful rest. Let’s stop writing articles only about superwomen who achieve gargantuan lists of successes. Let’s start celebrating all women because every life is hard, and surviving a regular day is an achievement in itself.

I think if we can start working on these truths and being real about where we are as women, then maybe the fantasies will become more reality-like. And who knows, maybe we’ll find that when we pause and reflect, when we take a breath, that Tiki Bar by the beach is actually what we wanted all along. Or maybe we’ll find that we just needed a minute to make our own Tiki Bar retreat in our space in the world--and some honest reflection to go with it.

Lindsay Detwiler is a high school English teacher and the USA Today Bestselling author of numerous novels including The Widow Next Door and Inked Hearts. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, their six rescue cats, and Great Dane, Edmund. To learn more, follow her on Instagram.​

5 Delightful Romance Books to Look Forward to in 2021

By: Savannah Cordova 5 Delightful Romance Books to Look Forward to in 2021

​Most of us could always use a little bit of romantic escapism — and especially lately, given the additional burdens of the pandemic. Even when we’re starved of everything from physical touch to the romantic frisson that comes from brushing past someone in a bar, books are still there as our steadfast companions to entertain us and give our imagination some fodder to run wild.

Indeed, the magic of creative writing is that it operates outside the realms of reality, where our wildest dreams can be realized! If you’re looking for your reality-suspending romance fix, check out my most anticipated 2021 releases below.

1. Act Your Age, Eve Brown by Talia Hibbert

Why not kick things off with a New York Times bestseller? You might already be familiar with Talia Hibbert’s Brown Sisters series, of which Act Your Age, Eve Brown is the third (and latest) installment. After an unfortunate set of events at a wedding, Hibbert’s purple-haired protagonist Eve, with her signature bashful chaos, is given an ultimatum by her parents — grow up and find herself, even if she’s not entirely sure how.

Cue the entrance of Jacob Wayne, an ambitious (and somewhat flighty) bed-and-breakfast owner on a mission to make waves in the hospitality industry. When Eve interviews for a chef role at Jacob’s B&B, the pair take an instant dislike to each other. But after Jacob is struck down in a car accident, he has no choice but to enlist Eve to hold down the fort… 

If you’re a fan of the enemies-to-lovers trope, or just in the mood for a delightful, pacy romp, then run, don’t walk to your local bookshop! (And speaking of sexy romance series, you better check out Lindsay’s Lines in the Sand series — it’s perfect for the beach.)

2. Beautiful World, Where Are You by Sally Rooney

I couldn’t resist adding one of my favorite authors to this list — and I know I’m not alone in my fangirling! Rooney’s highly anticipated third book is due in September of this year, and if it’s anything like her smash hit Normal People or her exhilarating debut Conversations With Friends, it’s sure to be a zinger.

I’m slightly bending the rules by including this book, as it isn’t strictly a romance, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it. This book follows four characters (Alice, Felix, Eileen and Simon) navigating hookups, romantic entanglements, relationships, and everything in between, as well as all the learning experiences that come with your young years and new environments.

Much to my chagrin, I’ve not been able to get my hands on a copy of the gorgeous proofs that have been doing the rounds on social media — but if the comments from others are anything to go by, it’s sure to be an emotive and poignant read.


3. Reputation by Lex Croucher

Attention, Bridgerton fans! Croucher’s debut novel Reputation blends comedy, period drama, and romance to produce this funny and sweet tale about doe-eyed debutante, Georgiana, as she moves to a new town to live with her less-than-stimulating aunt and uncle.

Luckily, an invitation to a party allows for a run-in with the mysterious and enigmatic Frances Campbell — who also happens to be fabulously wealthy and one of the best-connected people in town. Without spoiling too much, Reputation is all about exploring first loves, sex, and consent when reputation means everything and a woman’s lot was much different than what it is now. It's full of glitzy parties, handsome men on horseback, and a very Austenian sense of humor, and I personally can’t wait to read it. 


4. Love in Color by Bolu Babalola

 Love in Color is a bit different to the rest of this list. Rather than being one epic love-infused saga akin to The Notebook, it’s a collection of short stories that draw heavily on the magical folklore of West Africa, ancient tales from the Middle East, and classic Greek mythology.

The stories traverse continents and eras, telling stories of prestigious Nigerian goddesses longing for partners that truly see them, to businesswomen trying to replicate their boardroom confidence in their love lives. The organizing themes of the collection are Babalola’s vivid writing and the potency of true love. If my words aren’t enough, take it from the queen of romance herself, Meg Cabot, who described it as “beautifully written and full of joy.”

5. The Soulmate Equation by Christina Lauren

Jess Davis has all but retired from the dating scene. As a single mom and a data scientist, she’s juggling lots of responsibilities — and having been deserted by the father of her child, she’s not sure she can hack another heartbreak.

However, everything changes when she hears about GeneticAlly, a brand-new DNA-based matchmaking tool. Unlike the tumult and unpredictability of falling in love, the logic of numbers is something Jess can get behind. That is, until she’s paired with the company’s founder, the aloof and brooding Dr. Pena, who she’s already met on the industry circuit — and written off. But once she’s convinced to try dating him, for his branding (and so she can earn some money), she realizes there’s more to Dr. Pena than what meets the eye… 

If this has taken your fancy, you’re in luck — it was released in May, so you don’t have to spend months waiting for your pre-order in the post!

It’s definitely a great year for romance, so have fun getting lost in these absorbing reads. If you're looking for even more escapism, I can guarantee that children's books are another source of great solace (in addition to romance). Happy reading!






Savannah Cordova is a writer with Reedsy, a marketplace that connects authors and publishers with the world’s best editors, designers, and marketers.  In her spare time, Savannah enjoys reading contemporary fiction and romance of all subgenres, as well as writing short stories.

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You’re Wasting Your Time Trying to Look Good

You're Wasting Your Time Trying to Look GoodScrolling through social media today, I saw post after post after post from women about one topic: their looks.

Posts about weight and weight loss and feeling pudgy. Posts about how they are ugly or apologizing for not having makeup or for messy hair. As I scrolled on and looked at all the negative body talk, it hit me. 

We waste so much of our lives worrying about how we look when we are worth so, so, so much more than that. 

I know that’s not a novel thought. I know there have been millions of articles published about body positivity and self-worth. Still, how effective are these messages in combatting the equally if not more prominent message in the media--that we must look a certain way to be worthy?

Minutes before noticing all of the negative body talk, I, too, had been engaging in the daily war with my body and looks. I had been studying my stomach in the mirror trying to assess how much bigger it is than a few years ago. I was making a mental checklist of all of the beauty routines I needed to do today--a face mask to help with those wrinkles, a hair mask to add more shine and take away frizz. I needed to put on the fake eyelashes because mine were too weak and fill in my eyebrows which are remnants from the early 2000s overplucking trend. The list kept growing, as it always does, and I felt exhausted and behind before the day even really started.

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your looks. There is nothing wrong with makeup and beauty products if they make you feel good (God knows I have quite a collection of products in my bathroom because I love them). But at what point does having fun with trying to improve your looks overtake your self-worth or detract from your priorities? At what point can we say enough is enough, I am beautiful as I am? Because in my experience, it’s never enough. You will never, in your mind, live up to the impossible beauty standards we are bombarded with daily. You will never see yourself for the beautiful person you are--your eyes are trained to focus on the “problems.” If you lose those ten pounds or get rid of those wrinkles or perfect your eyeliner, there will always be something else your eyes focus on. If we aren’t careful, the beauty industry convinces us that we are nothing but a walking set of appearance problems that need fixed. If we let it, the industry will convince us we aren’t beautiful or skinny enough or worthy of the life we want.

A few weeks ago, I spent an hour curling my hair, putting on eyelashes, shaving my legs, plucking my eyebrows,  slapping on fake nails, and perfecting my lipstick. I missed out on an hour of sunshine, an hour with my dog, an hour sipping coffee to cover myself in products. A few hours into the day, my nails were snagging on things, the eyelashes were driving me nuts, and the lipstick was all over my favorite coffee cup. And, after finally being fed up and ripping off the nails, eyelashes, and wiping off the makeup, I felt freer. It was like emerging from a suffocating coffin. It was like breathing for the first time because I realized that all of the annoying procedures and steps I had taken weren’t really necessary. I didn’t need eyelashes to see the gorgeous sunset or my husband’s smile. I didn’t need perfect eyebrows for him to be proud of what I’ve accomplished or for my dreams to come true. I didn’t need fake nails to pet my dog or to grab the life I want. 

Did I look like a magazine cover? Hell no. I didn’t when all of the makeup items were perfectly placed to begin with. But in those moments, I realized how much of my time was wasted trying to look good instead of trying to live a good life, a life that fulfilled me. I realized how much “extra” we do in order to meet standards we made up in our heads. 

When I looked at those social media posts today, I didn’t see too much belly fat or fine lines or the frizzy hair they claimed to have. I just saw beauty. Unique, one-of-a-kind beauty. I saw strength in their eyes and vulnerability in their hearts. I saw dream chasers, inspirations, and women who have so much on their plate but keep showing up. I saw so many things--but not the things they were agonizing over. 

We all have finite time here. This past week, I can’t stop thinking about the families in Surfside waiting for news. My heart aches when I think of those people whose lives were cut short in an instant. Tragedies like the Surfside Building Collapse remind us that nothing is guaranteed. Everything can change in a moment’s notice. Confidence is a beautiful thing. Expressing yourself and your style through makeup and fashion is a good thing. But when we become so obsessed with our outer appearance that we forget our worth, we are in danger of missing out on the most beautiful parts of life. 

So the next time you find yourself at war with your looks, just stop. Put the nails and eyelashes and pencils and glosses down. Stop squishing your stomach or eyeing up the cellulite. Stop worrying about the numbers on the scale or the size of your bra. Instead, look into the eyes staring at you in the mirror and remember that you are strong, wise, capable, and most of all, you are worthy.

So damn worthy.


​

To the Nice Girl Who Always Gets Burned: I See You

You do your best to show kindness and give everyone the benefit of the doubt--just like you're supposed to, if they are to believed. You show grace and smile even when you don't feel like it. You shove down your dark, difficult feelings because you don't want to be selfish.

And yet, for every inch you give them, they run you into the ground. They stomp all over your character and shred your perfect dress. They toss aside the gifts, the smiles, the kind words like they are trash. 

They don't see you. But I see you.

You never brag about your accomplishments. You don't tell them how you've seen the stars from the precipice of the mountain. You don't sing the song you've mastered. You bury it down inside in the world where women just have hobbies and nice girls don't boast. You stay so small, you crumple into yourself. You let the other girls parade around and hang banners for themselves. You cower in the shadow hoping someone will throw a little confetti your way.

They don't see you. But I see you.

They use you for what you can offer, which you give willingly. And when they've gotten all they need, they walk on by. Not a smile, not a wave, not a conspiratorial wink. They parade on into the sunset while you stand in the settling dust. 

Sometimes, you wonder why you try at all.
Sometimes, it feels like nice girls don't actually win.
Most times, though, you just feel invisible, used, and like something discarded by the world. The spotlight never shines on you like it does the others. They never have a parade in your honor. You quietly march on, day after day, wondering if maybe you are just invisible after all. Maybe that's who you are meant to be.

But to the nice girls who feel like they are always getting burned... I see you.

I see you for the quiet strength you possess. I see the strong character in you to keep doing what is right and fair even when no one else celebrates it. I see you for the beautiful warrior you are. I see how brave you are to keep being giving in a world that just takes. I see the courage in you to try again even when it feels like you shouldn't. 

Don't let their ignorance, their lack of character, their flashy attitudes detract from the fact that you are you...and you are beautiful for who you are. 

The Truth About Adulthood They Never Told Us

It was twelfth-grade literature class when I first realized what a gift the element of surprise is.

​We were reading Their Eyes Were Watching God and discussing the symbolism of the pear tree. Now, for some, the pear tree in the book represents Janie's sexuality, but there was also another interpretation--the flowers on the tree represented her dreams, her opportunities, her possibilities. Because youth was on her side, Janie's pear tree was blossoming with so many flowers to be picked. Really, to me at least, it was a symbol of how when you are young, there are so many possibilities flowering. Life is just waiting for you to pluck it, for you to decide which paths you will go down and what surprises you will find along the way. Life in your late teens, even if you don't realize it at the time, feels hopeful in a way it never will again.

I was thinking about this pear tree the other day in the shower and came to a deeply sad conclusion: at 33, I couldn't help but feel like my pear tree is now a crumpled heap of sticks, broken into tiny twigs. In short, I realized with sadness that although at one point, my tree had many flowers on it like Janie's, mine now was plucked and barren (the dream symbol...not the sexuality one. That's a different post altogether).

I'm settled into a life now that I know I am blessed to have, yet I also know lacks a lot of the vivacity that my earlier years of adulthood did. I've settled into a routine where many of the days look the same, where the element of surprise is as unexpected as a freak snowstorm in spring. I've figured out the laundry schedule and my nighttime routine. I've settled into a career, a mortgage, a life of predictability. I've settled into a life where I no longer can see all of the forks in the path, where it feels like I'm endlessly plodding down the exact same one. It's not a bad path--it's just lacking possibility. Choices. Chances.

That lack of choice, of chance, of possibility is perhaps why I found myself staring at the shower wall as the water poured over me and I considered an old metaphor from a book I read long ago.

Before we go any farther, I know  I am privileged to say that. I realize boredom is a blessing to many and sought after by those living difficult lives I cannot even imagine. I know I am lucky to be living the life I am. Still, as I let the suds rain down over my body and stared at the blank shower wall, I couldn't help but wonder what my younger self would think of this somewhat passionless existence.

Because that's the thing I think no one tells you about adulthood--that at some point, the magic sort of fades. That at some point, you trade magic for predictability and surprise for security. That you will spend so many years chasing after the elusive "right" path, trying to make choices that will set you up for success that society wants you to find. You will pluck flower after flower off your pear tree, not realizing that someday, all the flowers will be gone and you'll be left with a somewhat depressing, mundane set of branches in their place.

No one prepares you for the day that you realize the element of surprise regarding who you will become will be gone, and in its wake, you'll just be left with this shell of a person who goes through the motions sometimes.

For a while, I thought perhaps I was alone in this feeling. I thought perhaps I was just in a funk where the passion, the magic had died. Where I felt like I was just sort of surviving instead of excited to see what was next. But I've had many conversations with other women especially. I've seen the dulled sparkle in the eyes of those around me. I've seen the translucent moroseness that settles in once someone comes to the conclusion that so many of us eventually come to: This is it. This is what I am, who I will be.

I know that age is just a number. I know that it's never too late to change who we are, to reinvigorate that joy in our hearts and that passion. I know we can find ways to supercharge that spark again. Still, I can't help but let the realist speak up here that the older we get, that the more set in our routines we become, the harder it is to see those flowers again.

It is difficult to imagine a life where you again have choice and chance, where you're fighting to find that dream you once had. I think it's why if you talk to women in their thirties and forties, so many of them have this hidden little dream of waking up and being someone else--or waking up and having a different life altogether.

It's not that there's something broken or wrong with women who feel this. I think it's just no one prepared us for the fact that even if you pick the "right" path, there's a spark that's lost when you settle into a choice. When you let the other flowers fall away and are left with just one, suddenly, there is an emptiness that settles in. A dullness. A "something is missing" kind of feeling.

This is not an article to tell you how to find the spark again. This is not an article to tell you that your best days are over, that your flowers are all dead on your pear tree. This is simply an article to say this--adulthood isn't all the wonderful things we perhaps thought it would be. Adulthood is much harder, much duller, much more complex than they ever told us. And for many of us, women especially, it can be a bitter pill to swallow that the tree we once admired in front of us is slowly withering.

I don't have the answers. I don't have the reasoning. But I do have this--the promise that you are not alone if you are struggling with what this whole thing means and with the reality that hanging onto the wonder, the surprise, the possibility isn't as easy as it once seemed.

So no matter where you are in the pear tree metaphor, I hope you know that you are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with you. Call it faded magic or a mid-life crisis or whatever other fancy term you want, but just know that it's okay to wake up and realize adulthood isn't everything you ever wanted. Know that it's okay to feel a little lost, even if you have the path all figured out and set.

There is no rule book to this thing, no book on pear trees that can give us all the answers. I suppose that is part of the wonder that will always be left--the question of whether or not we're doing this thing right at all.

Four Practical Tips for Handling Unemployment

Recently, I shared a blog post about what my husband and I have been through since 2019 when he lost his career of nine years. It has been a long, winding road of anxiety, fear, and financial frustrations. Still, along the way, we have both grown and learned from the experience.

I wouldn't wish the loss of a job on anyone--especially during a pandemic. However, the statistics show that we were not alone in our struggles. According to PEW Research, "The rise in the number of unemployed workers due to COVID-19 is substantially greater than the increase due to the Great Recession." The site notes that the unemployment rate in May of 2020 was at 13%, while during the height of the Great Recession in 2010, the unemployment rate was only 10.6%. Thus, I've come to learn that so many struggled with what my husband and I went through--and so many are still struggling.

Every battle in life, though, is a learning experience. We've come out the other side stronger, smarter, and more budget conscious. We've also learned quite a few tips that assure me that if we ever went through this again, we would handle it much better.

Below, I'm listing out some of the practical advice I have if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. These are real, actionable steps you can do now to regain some control in your life, even when it feels like all your plans are unraveling. 
1. Get that resume and cover letter in order. Nine years.

That was how long my husband and I had been out of the resume, cover letter, interview world. Suddenly, though, we were thrust back into all overnight when my husband's company furloughed him.

Immediately, I dusted off his resume and cover letter and got to work. 

If it's been a while since you're in the job market or even if you recently got your job, it's always a good idea to do some updating. Ask yourself:
What skills have you learned?
What awards or certifications have you earned?
What duties did you complete that are now relevant?
Some other tips I have learned from helping my husband:ALWAYS have a cover letter. So many employers he has interviewed with have complimented the fact that he included a cover letter, something few prospective employees do. Take your time to craft this, and make sure you tweak it for each individual position you are applying for.Use action verbs in your resume and bullet points. Make sure it looks visually pleasing. Most employers spend less than a minute glancing at it--make sure your top skills pop.Use Google Templates on docs for some great, crisp, easy-to-use templates. 2. Get your budget in order. This is not the time to stick your head in the sand about your finances. This is a time to know exactly what your expenses are and where your money is going.

It is going to take some work to adjust your budget to fit your new situation. My husband and I sat down and actually created a budget for the first time when he lost his job. Up until then, we really just spent whatever and didn't worry about what was coming in, going out, and going to savings. As long as there was money in our account, we didn't worry about it.

After he was furloughed, though, money was much, much tighter. Unemployment rarely replaces the whole income. Thus, we sat down and actually looked at our fixed expenses, sought to cut variable expenses, and tried to figure out how to spend as little as possible. We loved this online budget planner calculator to help us set targets and figure out exactly what to spend on different categories.  It is also a great place to check in if you already have a budget and want to see if you are staying on track. We also found we could use this when he was considering jobs and we were seeing if we could make the salary work financially. 3. Sign-Up for a Job Board Online Immediately after losing his job, my husband signed up for Indeed.com to keep his eye on prospects. This program emailed him any time a relevant job came open and allowed us to get his application in early and sometimes even first. It also helped us keep track of jobs we applied for and what qualifications employers were looking for.

They have a resume builder tool, too, if you are still struggling with step one. Definitely use all the features here to give yourself the best possible options.
4. Have patience. When you or a spouse loses a job, you want to fix the problem as soon as possible. The anxiety and uncertainty surrounding the situation is so uncomfortable. Still, you need to have patience. This is not a situation that will resolve itself overnight. It has taken my husband over a year to get to a job he is passionate about and we know will be his forever job. In the meantime, he spent time working various jobs to help us get by and keep the budget going.

Don't be afraid to think outside the box in order to survive. There are several ways you can (legally!) make money and keep the household floating until you find the right opportunity. Keep throwing your hat in the ring, keep making smart choices, and keep looking for opportunities. But until then, be patient and know eventually, a door will open that will lead you to exactly where you belong--as long as you are prepared and have followed these steps.

Hang in there. I know it is so tough--but I promise it will get better. And as always, reach out if you need help!