Jennifer Thomson's Blog, page 27

Great things about being a writer

 


One of my books, Living Cruelty Free at the Frankfurt Book Fair




Okay, I
hold my hands up. There has been some complaining of late from me about how
tough it is to be a writer with publishers giving your books away free without
telling you and creepy people cyber stalking you.



So, I
reckoned it was about time to look at the good stuff.



1. You
can look up any website and claim its research. Last night I searched for 'how
to kill someone and get away with it.' If the police think I'm up to something,
I have a ready-made excuse, 'I'm writing a book' even if I am plotting murder:)
Only kidding.



2. You
get to develop multiple personalities without ending up on medication.



3. You
can sit doing nothing for ages and still say you're working. Well, you can't
expect those plot knots to unknot themselves.



4. If
you're life is depressing you can create a better one. Become a character
you’ve created. Immerse yourself in it. Live in it.



5. You
can get revenge on anyone you like by having something awful happen to them in
your book, and there's not a thing you can do about it. A dentist who was
horrible to me, was eaten by his dogs, penis and all. I did change his name.



6. You
will never be alone. You have all those characters to keep you company.



7. You
can change the world; mould it into whatever you want. Create happy endings.
Make sure the bad guys (or girls) get their comeuppance. Things you don’t get
to do in real life.



8.
There is no better feeling that a parcel coming containing the books you have
lovingly crafted.

Things I wish they’d told me about being a writer

1-You will see the
world in a way that others will find extremely disturbing. To others an ice
pick is for breaking up ice, to me, it's a potential weapon for my main
character in Hell to Pay to use on the most vulnerable part of her
attacker's anatomy.

 


Sadly, I don't earn as much as this guy. I wish.


 



2-Non-writers think
you earn way much more than you do. That you're in Stephen King's league and if
you're not they think your writing can't be that good. Well, it's easy to make
money writing. No, sadly it's not.



3-When you try and
build a platform for yourself to promote your work, you may attract unwanted
attention. See Sinister side of Facebook post.



4-You'll have a
deathly pale pallor from all those hours sitting in the near dark, crouched
over a laptop/scribbling away. People will keep saying, 'Are you ill?'



5-You'll develop a
belly from all that sitting down writing. There's no time for exercise unless
it involves walking the dog. Well, he listens to you outlining possible plots
(with his ears plugging up his lug holed).



6-People will think
you're being rude when you don't acknowledge them, when you're really
preoccupied with working out how your character can get away with killing
someone.



 

The sinister side of Facebook

A few months ago, I set up a
page for my bullying book, Bullying A Parent's Guide, on Facebook. I did this
for two reasons - to help promote the book and two, to stimulate debate about
bullying, a subject I feel very passionate about.



I was not prepared for what
happened next.



The page started well, with
people who had been bullied as I had (that's what inspired me to write a book I
really felt would help those being bullied and their families) telling their
stories. I thought, 'great, this is why I set up the page.'



Then someone who was a
stranger to me, posted about their child being bullied and adults who could and
should have helped not helping. Of course, I was sympathetic. I left the post
up, as they'd named no names. If they had, it would have been deleted.





There's some creepy people on Facebook

 



Then all the craziness
started.  Another person I didn't know
posted and complained about me not deleting the first comment, saying it was
aimed at them, which meant they'd named themselves. I ignored it. The person
who wrote the first comment had named no names, as far as I was concerned it
was a legitimate comment.



The complainer then sent me
an aggressive message demanding I take down the comment. I politely told them
the person who'd written the comment had named no names, that they'd done it
themselves. They could delete their own comment, if they wished.



Then the personal and public
slagging match between these two people began with the complainer doing most of
it. ON MY PAGE In exasperation, I deleted the comments and blocked the two
people. This was difficult to do as from what I could tell the complainer had
four different aliases/made up names. At least. I'd block one then more
bullying/aggressive messages/comments would turn up.



The last came yesterday,
demanding that I block someone from the page (this person was a friend and one
of the nicest people I know), despite the fact, they'd done nothing wrong. I
deleted the message, as I will with any other nasty messages I get from them.



I've now been forced to ban
people who are not friends from posting, because this person's aliases keep
turning up, again with comments aimed at an individual who’s child was bullied.




What have I learnt from this
whole episode?

 
Apart
from the fact that there are some people in urgent need of psychiatric care on
the Internet (I'm not mocking anyone) and that total strangers can have you
dreading logging into Facebook, I've discovered that Facebook should really come up with a
f**k off button, because there are some people who really do need to be told
where to go. Sad, I think, but true.








Note - this is an
abbreviated version of what's been going on, as it would take too long to go
through it step by step, not to mention bore the pants of you:)






Tips for posting on Facebook



Don't post anything you
wouldn't happily let anyone read. If you do, delete it as soon as you can.
Don't leave it and bitch about it as though it's someone else's fault YOU
posted it.



Don't harass a writer on FB
or you may find your way into their next book. The last person who annoyed me,
was eaten by his own dogs.






Maybe this is why I write revenge fiction like Hell to Pay and How Kirsty Gets Her Kicks, because in my books the creeps always get their comeuppance.






 





 

Hell to Pay Publication (cue, happy dance:)

If you see this logo, it's a sassy book.



I'm delighted to have signed a contract with Sassy Books today for my revenge thriller Hell to Pay.



Here's a taster of what to expect -




Nancy Kerr refuses to be a victim. She walks in on her parents’ killers and is violently raped and left for dead. Fourteen months later, she wakes up in a psychiatric hospital with no knowledge of how she got there. Slowly her memory starts to return.



Released from the institution, she has just one thing on her mind – revenge.



Two men brought hell to her family home. Now they’re in for some hell of their own.


If I had to describe this brand of fiction, I'd call ir Die Hard for Girls. The novel's aimed at those of us who like our heroines sassy and kick ass.



Hell to Pay will be published in 2013.

www.con – 4 ways to spot a vanity publisher

Don't get your pocket picked by a vanity publisher





1. Their email address is a free one like a yahoo or gmail account.



Reasoning - a legitimate company should own their domain name i.e. JMcNumpty@welovetopublishgreatbooks.com



2. There's no phone number or when you call, it rings out and nobody answers it.

Reasoning - reputable companies will always have a phone number you can call, so you can ask them questions. Those that don't aren't to be trusted.



3. They'll mention money. You giving them money. This may be for things like 'photocopying fees,' or 'administration fees.' They may also ask for a 'reading fee.'



Reasoning - Genuine publishers don't ask you for money. Vanity publishers do.



4. They'll say they welcome all submissions and there seems to be no restrictions on what they 'publish.'



Reasoning - Genuine publishers are very picky about what they publish. They have to be to invest their time and money in a particular book.

She was wearing a violent jumpsuit...

Yes, really.




The kind of jumpsuit that'd
banjo you if it saw you.



Aim a karate chop to your
throat.



Kick your head in.



Strike you down.



At least it would have been
a violent jumpsuit if I hadn't noticed it during editing my novel.


Watch out, her jumpsuit may be violent.






You see, that's why
editing's so essential. Without it, you make mistakes and if a
publisher/agent/reader spots that mistake, they will start to doubt every
single word they read.



Editing that novel or
article can be a lengthy process, but it's a vital one unless you want a woman
in a violent jumpsuit instead of a violet one.



Editing Tips



Look out for words you use excessively
often. Me, I'm a just gal. With most words, you can delete them or replace
them. It may help to use a word cloud or a tool that counts the instances of
words.



Speech marks. Decide on
single or double and stick to that. Give yourself a style guide and stick to
that.



The more descriptive the
words the better. For instance, trudge is better than walk, mumble is better
than talk quietly. Are there words you can replace for better words?



Do you have speech tags for
every, single bit of dialogue? You shouldn't need to say 'he says/she says' all
the time. Often you can let people know who's speaking with them doing something.
For instance - Sally wheezed. 'I'm giving up the cigarettes.'

This week I needed Liam Neeson

I bet he'd find the phone



'What kind of week have I had?'




The kind that makes you shove in your earphones and play
Karma Police so loud, you’re not just listening to it: it’s in your head.  



The kind where you set up a page to talk about your bullying
book and folk come onto it and wait for it, start bullying one another. Yeah,
really. Couldn’t believe it either.



The kind where you think your downstairs neighbour has
opened a brewery because it sounds like he’s been tossing beer barrels about
his floor for the past few days.



The kind of week where you despair of human nature because
your OH dropped his mobile phone and someone picked it up and pocketed it. We
don’t have much but what we do have we’ve worked damned hard for.



Note to the ass wipe who kept it - what you’re meant to do
when you find someone’s phone, is ring up one of the numbers and find out who
belongs to and return it. At least if you want to belong to the human race. You
clearly don’t. Karma police are gonna get you, mate.



Just realised that instead of venting my spleen here, I
should have left a Liam Neeson Taken-style message on the phone –



‘I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If
you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do
have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very
long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my
daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not
pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will
kill you.



Obviously, the ‘kill’ in this case means in my novel and not
real life.



Only two things have made my life bearable this week –



A wee dog who loves me unconditionally and always wants to
play.


Happy as a sand dog (on second thoughts, he looks worried)




Football (that’s soccer to my pals in the good ol’ USA). Non-football
fans don’t get it, but there’s a reason this sport is called,’ the beautiful
game.’



Few things make you happier when things go right. You see a
cracker of a goal. Some brilliant play. Your team (in my case Dundee United)
lift that elusive trophy. And, here’s the best thing of all – you get to bawl
and shout and it gets your frustrations out. And nothing beats the times when everyone
in the crowd is cheering as one, and making something happen on the pitch. The atmosphere
is electric and it’s as if you’re riding along on a wave.



But more on that later. I’m now off to hone my CIA skills. ‘I
don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want…’

The reality of life as a writer

When people imagine the life of a writer they probably think
that you sit under a shady tree on a hot summer’s day thinking about your
wonderful purple prose and then go home and write a book in a week that tops
the bestseller lists and goes onto earn you JK Rowling style riches.










But here’s the reality for most of us -



People will keep asking you when you will get a ‘proper
job.’ This happened to me five minutes ago.



You may find yourself eating spaghetti with gravy for
Christmas dinner with a duvet wrapped around yourself to keep warm, because you
can’t afford to pay the electricity bill. This happened to me.



You will spend most of your time looking at your writing and
seesawing between ‘this is brilliant’ and imagining who will play your brilliant
characters in a movie (I want Kevin McKidd to play the suicide bomber Doyle in
Deid Bastards), to ‘this sucks.’ Most of the time you will be thinking that it
sucks. This is currently happening to me.



You’re partner/husband/wife may leave you because you don’t
pay them any attention/won’t make dinner/fix that door/you didn’t pay that
final demand and you may not notice for days because you’re too busy finishing
that last chapter. This will eventually happen to me.



Your cat or dog may start to nibble on your toes because you
haven’t fed him for a week and you may be too busy working on that last chapter
to notice. I hope this doesn’t happen to me.  

Zombies & Living Cruelty Free is out on Kindle

This is probably not the cover for Deid Bastards.







Sorry, I haven’t posted in a wee while. A few weeks ago, a publisher
expressed an interest inmy zombie novel Deid Bastards and I’ve been working away on that
trying to perfect it. You know them zombies, they sure keep you busy.




I have a lot planned for them. I'm already the proud owner of www.deidbastards.com where I hope to be bringing you some zombietastic stuff in the near future. So stay tuned. The wecsite is currently under construction.







I’ve also been working hard to promote my book Living
Cruelty Free: a guide for anyone who wants to live a more compassionate life and I am delighted to announce that as well as the traditional
books, it’s now available on Kindle.




At the moment it's available on Amazon.co.uk, but I hope that will change soon.

K.I.S.S - Keep It Simple Stupid

I'm working on a bit in my zombie novel Deid Bastards where certain characters need to be in a specific place at a particular time.



I've spent weeks fretting over this, picking the brains of friends and family; it's given me sleepless nights and I’m at the stage where I feel like my brain is about to explode.

Then last night I realised one thing: I was over-thinking it. Readers don’t need you to tell them everything. When there are blanks they’ll fill them in and they’ll probably do it even better than you could have ever written it.





Don't over-think thinks like Malcolm In The Middle's Dewey


This realisation got me thinking of one of my favourite ever moments in one of my favourite shows. In Malcolm in the Middle, the youngest brother Dewey comes up with an elaborate ploy to convince idiot brother Reece that the aliens have arrived.Dewey - ‘Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...’ Malcolm – ‘Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!’

And right enough, Reece comes running into the room wearing a mask and wielding a baseball bat and shouting ‘it’s every man for himself.’