Evil Editor's Blog, page 63

Editing Country Names

Finally some news from Europe that's neither tragic nor scandalous: The Czech Republic is planning to change their name. Apparently they were annoyed that the Boston Marathon bombers were mistakenly thought by some to be from The Czech Republic, when they were actually from Chechnya, so to avoid future confusion they've decided to call themselves Czechia. Another advantage: changing their name means all their sports fans will have to toss their Czech Republic jerseys and buy new garb.

A name change is certainly warranted, but they seem to have missed the main reason it's warranted, namely: Your country's name starts with the letters Cz. Hello? It's almost as bad as starting it with Vq. (Note: the Cz is pronounced like ch, and the ch is pronounced like k.) If you want us to pronounce your name right, spell it Checkia. If you spell it Czechia we're gonna pronounce it Kizzeecheea. Also, do they have to put accent marks on all their vowels? It takes forever to write a single sentence, which is why their greatest literary work, Metamorphosis, is a novella.

Also, is it really that important to have Check as part of the name? When Burma and Rhodesia and British Honduras changed names, they went with Myanmar, Zimbabwe and Belize. Not Bzurmia Rzodia, and Bzshhndrs.

Here, of the top of my head, are a few better possibilities for the new name:

Bosimo
East Germany
Wenceslas
New Chechnya
Kizzeecheea
Kafka
West Slovakia

I'm sure you can come up with even better names. Which is why I'm starting the Twitter hashtag #SuggestedNewNamesForCzechRepublic. 

Face-Lift 1312

Guess the Plot

Homegrown

1. It's the eternal argument:Which is better, the stuff you grow in the garden, or the stuff you buy from the guy behind the 7-11?

2. If hard-boiled detective Zack Martinez knows two things, they're that "homegrown" could mean zucchini or weed, and which one he'd rather investigate.

3. Self-described "homegrown" chef Louise has secured funding for a new restaurant serving vegetables and herbs from her backyard garden. Now she just has to decide what kind of meat to use. And what to do with her two screaming brats. Hmm.

4. When Gale discovers that her teenage son has been recruited by ISIS as one of their "homegrown" terrorists, she'll do whatever it takes to rescue him. And then she's gonna kill him.

5. Sharie's backyard cloning experiments work perfectly. In no time she has 15 homegrown, cute little children to love and care for. But when the child welfare people stick their noses in, Sharie has no choice but to activate those vampire genes that she spliced in. Hilarity ensues.

6. The zombie apocalypse is here and Joe never believed the signs. Now he has nothing but his own homegrown line of defense to keep back the undead horde. Plus some daises.

7. Millia Funkle has a green thumb. She's the source for hybrids, crossbreeds, and cultivars for every witch in Wigginton County. But, when her rival spreads brain fungus spores through her garden, the man-eating plants gain intelligence and start taking over.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Dalton, an eighteen year old American, has been suffering depression since the death of his father and has come to the attention of on-line ISIS recruiters. He and many others like him worldwide are being radicalized to perform mass casualty attacks against the enemies of the Islamic State. [Look, kid, it's unhealthy to hold all that inside you. You gotta let it out by murdering a few thousand people.]

Aarzam, an ISIS Commander, has set in motion a plan to attack the countries of the International Coalition. He will use Dalton and the other homegrown terrorists to make the West pay for their interference.

When Dalton’s mother, Gale, [Anyone can be named anything, of course, though traditionally Gale is a male and Gail is a female.] uncovers his involvement with the fanatical group, she will turn over heaven and hell  [The phrase as I've heard it is move heaven and earth.] to rescue her son before he does the unthinkable or gets himself killed. [Where is her son?]

I am looking for representation for my thriller, HOMEGROWN, complete at 90K [words].

I have experience with PTSD, multi-agency task forces, criminal investigations, and coroner’s inquests and have drawn on this experience to develop my story. [You might add where you got this experience.]

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

It's well-written, but most of it is describing a situation, not telling us what your characters actually do. The story we care about begins when Gale finds out Dalton's gotten involved with ISIS.

The second paragraph isn't needed, as I can infer all of it from the first paragraph (except Aarzam's name, but he's never mentioned again anyway). And if Gale is the main character, I'd start the query with a slightly tweaked paragraph 3. 

If Dalton is the main character, you might want to focus more on him, as he does nothing in the query except get involved with ISIS. If you consider Gale and Dalton to be sharing the role of main character, I'd focus the query on Gale.

Once you dump some of the setup, you'll have plenty of room to tell us the story: how mom plans to rescue Dalton, what goes wrong, how she deals with that. Does she hire mercenaries and raid an ISIS camp in Syria to rescue Dalton? Is she involved in a criminal investigation and a coroner's inquest? Just saying she will turn over heaven and hell is vague. What does she do? 

Don't forget to include a paragraph explaining why the publisher needn't worry about their home offices being blown up by ISIS.

Face-Lift 1311

Guess the Plot

Alcoholic Angel

1. Lucifer has a problem - he can't hold his nectar. So when God sends him on a mission to Earth, he reckons he'll give beer a go instead. What could go wrong?

2. Another revolt is brewing in heaven. After uncountable years, God’s worker bees are drunk all the time. In a moment of exhaustion, one brave angel gets to the crux of the matter with one pivotal question: WTF? In a fiery, heavenly chorus it was on: God, we’re bored!

3. Michael has a sword. Gabriel has a horn. But Uriel? Nothing special--until he discovers the joys of the Jack Hawkins Whiskey Distillery. Angel's Share indeed!

4. As it turns out, the monkey on Bob's back has wings, plus a halo. Apparently this little angel defeated the little devil that was hanging out before. Now it has to handle both jobs. Perhaps he should go for another round of shots.

5. Never mind the plot. Alcoholic Angel is a great title, and if you can get Michael Douglas and Spike Lee on board, we're talking bestseller, and I only want half the profits. Deal?

6. Alcoholic angel is the newest drug hitting the streets of Kingston Harbor. It's an innocuous powder until mixed with a bit of demon rum. Users gain the ability to work miracles for 24 hours, and then they go to heaven or hell. It's hard to say since they don't come back from the dead.

7. Who the hell are you to judge? The Big guy expects us angles to watch over your sorry asses and all you idjits wanna do is bungie jump, skydive and run with the F***ing Bulls! Natural Selection is what I call it. It would drive anyone to F***ing drink!

8. When indy band Alcoholic Angel get their first number 1 hit, they are not as delighted as you'd expect. Sallyella diLorenzo performed and released it- without their permission. Sallyella, ex-girlfriend of bass guitarist Rick, and daughter of mafia boss Franco diLorenzo, a fellow who doesn't like his daughter's heart getting broken or pesky lawsuits. Fun ensues as the band finds ways to evade his heavies and their knee-capping ways.




Original Version

Warning:

When you drink rum over ice,
it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice,
it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice,
it can give you brain problems.
When mixed with vodka, it makes you giggle.

Ice is really bad for us.
– Hangover school

[Old jokes don't get attributed to whomever posts them on the Internet.] 


Hi Hannah, 4-8-16

To restore health, we offer high protein, meatless meals with sides of fluffy baked miracles. Additionally, a healing angel can repair an addictive disorder that’s causing unacceptable health problems. Look over there on the literary ledge of reality. [WTF?] Six dangerous addictions are clinging to folks you love or care about. After her class in alternative lifestyles, your guardian angel will show you how to dodge toxic trouble, and lengthen your life.

Hannah, consider replacing the least profitable part of your day [The part I'm enduring right now, coincidentally.] [So, taking contact information off of the Hannah Rogers, Literary Agent website to stop the influx of queries from those who failed to recognize it as a parody site wasn't enough. Apparently I have to take down Hannah's link to the Evil Editor site as well.] with this potential blockbuster about angels, sports, healing, heroin, drug deaths, alcoholism, the pope, murder and miracles. Without working harder, you could ignite flame that fans itself into well-deserved fame. We confront alcoholism (Bud isn’t for us), processed sugar and salt, sleeping pills, addictive pharmaceuticals. Marketing forays will extend well beyond the bad breath of Uncle Jerry, the angel of death. After clearing airspace over Queens, Jerry won’t bother us because even gutter angels respect miracles from G-d.

Michael Douglas (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) could make a memorable film out of the love story (first 78 pages). In the recesses of his brilliant mind, Spike Lee harbors a special joint for a drug story like ours. Your creative friend in Brooklyn or Beverly Hills may embrace our wondrous angel. Accept a 20% commission for landing a publisher who can compose best sellers from 81,000 readable words. Additionally, help us market “Alcoholic Angel…” and keep half the net income you generate. [If I'm generating it, I should get all of it. You think half the income I generate should go to you?]

Although opposing harmful addictions isn’t in your temperament or on your list, it probably should be. Helping to save this planet takes guts, but there’s also glory. You can do it. This we know.




Notes
Sell the book or sell the screenplay. Don't try to do both at once. And don't dictate the terms.

Summarize the plot. If the book includes a love story and would make a good movie, surely it  has a plot?

This is a business letter, not a place to be slick. Read the other 1310 queries on this site. Even the worst of them provide more information about the book than you do.

Face-Lift 1310

Guess the Plot

Nowhere

1. The true, unvarnished, non-whitewashed history of What Cheer, Iowa.

2. By teens and for teens, a compilation of hundreds of tried-and-true answers to your parents' question, "Where are you going."

3. F. Wu Chu High has crowded 1,100 students into a 15-classroom building. So why can't anyone find a date? And if Eunice does anyway, where can they hang out?

4. Trapped in Nowhere, three teens must take on weird creatures like people with their heads on backwards as they try to find their way to . . . Somewhere.

5. Doors always lead somewhere, unless you're talking about the door in Old Lady Morrison’s attic. She warned us to keep away, that it led to nowhere. She wasn’t lying. And now I’m trapped and I can’t find my way back.

6. Once she was a nowhere nobody who had nothing. Then she became a somebody, but still with nothing. Anyways, now she's getting somewhere.

7. Wizard-in-training Max has really screwed up this time: He wrote out the 'Now Here' scroll as "Nowhere". His Inscriptions trainer read it and vanished. It's up to Max and his friends to find her before she's lost forever in the Astral Plane. Also, a talking kestrel.



Original Version

Dear specific agent:

I am seeking representation for my 56,000 word YA novel Nowhere. Think Mazerunner meets Dante’s Inferno. [I'm trying, but all that comes to mind is a crazed Jack Nicholson in a hedge maze, but instead of snow on the ground there are burning coals.]

Guilt-ridden over the death of her three-year-old brother, [Guilt-ridden because she caused it?] a teenage PJ commits suicide. [Of the scores of possibilities Abbreviations.com provides for "PJ," the only one that makes sense in that sentence is "parajumper." Which does suggest how she committed suicide. However, I recommend spelling out the word.] But instead of joining her brother, she wakes in an ice[hyphen]coated cave[comma] cold, wet, and in complete darkness surrounded by lost souls circling beneath the ice. [Less wordy than "ice-coated cave, cold, wet, and in complete darkness" would be "dark ice cave." Also, if you're in complete darkness you wouldn't be able to see what's beneath the ice. And if the souls are beneath the ice, how can they be surrounding her?] [Also, whether she pulls her ripcord or not, a parajumper would land on the Earth's surface, not inside a cave.]

She escapes the ice cave [by cutting her parachute into strips and disguising herself as a mummy.] [She's in the cave, she's out of the cave. Why don't we just skip over the cave?] and meets nerdy, wisecracking Trey. [The fifth circle of hell: bad insult comedians.] As the two awkward teens search for answers and a way out of the creepy world, they grow close surviving backward headed Wanderers [How do they know the Wanderers are backward-headed and not backward-bodied?] and mutated pit guards. [Is there a pit? Are the pit guards keeping people out of the pit or inside the pit? How can a pit be so valuable that it needs guards?] PJ hides the truth of her suicide afraid he [Trey] will judge her and no longer like her. [Her name is PJ? I assume that's a nickname, but what I don't know is whether she got that nickname because she's a parajumper or because she wears pajamas everywhere.] [Possibly you should have said "teenager PJ" instead of "a teenage PJ." Or just called her Pamela Jean.]

Then PJ is abducted by carnivorous cliff guards, [What would happen if no one was guarding the cliff?] [Are carnivorous cliff guards better at guarding cliffs than vegetarian cliff guards?] where she [and] meets hot, quiet Reid in a corral of captives. They escape with Trey’s help [I never thought of a corral as a place a human would need help escaping from.]



and PJ finds herself attracted to both boys, igniting Trey’s jealousy.

As they trek through Nowhere, the three are stalked by the demon of shame and guilt. They must rely on each other to survive it and the other creatures created from human sin intent on destroying them and trapping them forever between life and death. [If you want to trap someone somewhere forever, it's best not to destroy them first.]

When PJ reaches the end of her journey, she is forced to face what she really wants and make her final choice out of Nowhere. [That sentence adds nothing. I'm not even sure what it means.]


Notes

I don't get much sense of story here. PJ finds herself in Nowhere, the land between life and death, after committing suicide. That's the setup, but the rest is basically a list of things she encounters as she strives to . . . get Somewhere? Does she have specific goals, like getting to Oz and getting the witch's broomstick, and getting home to Kansas? What makes her think anything she does is getting her closer to reaching her destination, whatever that is? Does she wake up in her bed with Auntie Em standing over her?

Maybe we need more about the love triangle. Is that the main story? How even in death a teenager can't escape boy problems? Or is it a road trip with no known destination, just keep moving and hope we find the exit? Is she searching for her dead brother? What's the glue that holds it all together?

KK reports...

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest deadline is approaching. Get your entries in.
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com

The LeBron Twitter Scandal

So the big news in basketball is that LeBron James recently unfollowed the Cleveland Cavaliers on Twitter. His own team. Reminded me of a piece I did three years ago on Twitter Etiquette after tennis player Sloane Stephens said, when discussing Serena Williams in an interview: "She went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter! People think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter!"

And a bit after that came this news report: Dwight Howard of the Los Angeles Lakers signed with the Houston Rockets on Friday. [Laker star] Kobe Bryant unfollowed Howard on Twitter shortly thereafter.

What gives? I asked. Twitter didn't even exist eight years ago. This blog has been around longer than Twitter! And yet the Twitter "unfollow" has become the ultimate means by which to dis someone? ("Dis" means disrespect. The word "dis" has been around almost 5 times as long as Twitter.)





In the 19th century, men were men. If someone disrespected you, you challenged him to a duel. You ended his life. Now you unfollow him on Twitter. Yeah, that'll show him. I can imagine LeBron lying in bed in his mansion at night, thinking, That bastard Kevin Love. I gotta think of some way to put him in his place. I know! I'll unfollow him on Twitter. Mwah ha ha!

How movie scenes would differ if they were made today.











Of course unfollowing one of your competitors is one thing. Unfollowing your own team is another. 

Or is it? The way I see it, if you're a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers and you need to follow them on Twitter to know what's happening with the team, maybe you should quit sleeping through team meetings. 

I went to @Cavs, the team's Twitter account. It's got tweets like Congratulations to LeBron James, named Eastern Conference Player of the Week for the 53rd time. And Tipoff time for tonight's game with Orlando is 8:00.  You think LeBron needs to follow the Cavs on Twitter to find out he won yet another award or what time the game starts? You think he even gives a freaking flock that he won this award a 53rd time? Maybe he cared the first couple times, but by the time it got to number 40, he was like Yeah, toss it in the bin over there with the other ones. 

You think he depends on Twitter to know when the games start? He doesn't. Although I think it would be cool if he showed up late for the next game and his excuse was that he didn't get the tweet because he doesn't follow the Cavs. 

The big question isn't Why did LeBron unfollow the Cavs? It's why did he follow them in the first place?

Face-Lift 1309

Guess the Plot

2350/1

1.  45892 00/45 6.66693 88224-00/5 55440092/2 6262/33 7868/3

2. What are the odds of actually getting an agent, anyway?

3.  The FBI thinks her name is Rachel Kent, but she thinks it's Tabitha Smith. They think she's a drug kingpin, but she thinks she's a psychic mutant. The one thing they agree on? Her number. 2350/1.

4. In a dystopian future, the police force has been replaced by droids. Officer J4-V3RT self-destructs when human Valjean shows him mercy.

5. One in a million. One in the hand equals two in the bush. Once is a coincidence, twice is chance, three times is a conspiracy. Vis has always led a life filled with numbers. Now if only he can prevent his family's death from becoming just another number.

6. It's January 2350 when John's girlfriend, Mildred, moves to Montana. He has three months to find a new girl for the junior prom or face the humiliation of going stag. John thinks life can never be worse . . . until his dog, Biff, eats a frog and pukes on the living room carpet.



Original Version

Dear Evil (yet achingly handsome) Editor, [Sold. Will a six-figure advance do?]

A massive explosion at a brand-new super-church kills thousands. [Is a super-church the same as what is commonly called a megachurch?]

One person survives: a young woman, her memory wiped by the bomb-blast and her fingerprints unreadable, likely removed deliberately with sulphuric acid. [What makes them think they weren't removed accidentally by sulfuric acid?] Nobody knows who she is or why she was there -- not even her. [A woman was in a super-church along with thousands of other people, and the FBI can't figure out why? Here's a clue: was it Sunday morning?] [No reason the first sentence should be a separate paragraph.]

Or so she says. 

Officially numbered 2350/1, the FBI suspect she’s called Rachel Kent, [First of all, they suspect she is Rachel Kent. Also, you're saying the FBI is officially numbered 2350/1. I assume you want to say "Officially numbered 2350/1, she’s suspected by the FBI of being Rachel Kent"], a top-level member of D$9, an international drugs cartel embedded deep on the dark net. [Besides the fact that everyone's going to think of Deep Space 9 when they see D$9, theres the fact that no one will know how to pronounce that. Is it pronounced D dollar sign 9? D Dollars 9? Prince learned this the hard way when he changed his name to a symbol and everyone started calling him the artist formerly known as Prince, which was so annoying he went back to Prince. You don't want readers reading D$9 as "The international drug cartel formerly known as the Sinoloa Cartel."] [For that matter, is 2350/1 pronounced 2350 over 1 or 2350 forward slash 1 or 2350 divided by 1? (At first I was pronouncing it as if the slash were silent, but then I realized that sounded the same as 2351, who is a completely different character.) No one wants to read an entire book wondering if they're pronouncing the main character's name correctly.] 2350/1 believes her name is Tabitha Smith and she’s a psychic mutant with no-mind who fires balls of light from her palms. [No need to hyphenate "no-mind."] [Also, if she can fire balls of light from her palms, she should have no trouble proving it if the authorities are skeptical.] Placed under extraordinary rendition and taken to a black site called ‘The Ranch’, Hilary Martinez, a CIA analyst, is tasked to discover the truth. [The truth about whether 2350/1 is a psychic light-ball firing mutant?] [So the FBI has turned the case over to the CIA?] [I'm worried that you mean 2350/1 is placed under extraordinary rendition and taken to the Ranch, though you've said it was Hilary Martinez this was done to.] [Whichever you mean, I recommend not using the term "extraordinary rendition." Just say she's taken to a black site called the Ranch for testing or interrogation or whatever.] [We don't need the name of the CIA analyst.] 

Is 2350/1 a saint, or a psychopath? [Is there any reason to believe she's a saint?] 

And did she destroy a cult, or was she its victim? [If there are thousands of suicide bombers trying to kill one victim, and the "victim" is the only survivor, they've set a new bar for incompetence.] [Also, if cult destroyer and cult victim are the only choices, I think you need to mention the cult sooner than this.] 

“2350/1” is 98,450 words of science fiction, and the first novel in the D$9 series. [Well, if it's science fiction, I guess we can assume she can shoot balls of light from her palms.]


Notes

I don't get why the lone survivor of an explosion is suspected of being a drug kingpin named Rachel Kent. I could see suspecting her of being the bomber if she wasn't physically injured. Do they have photographs of Rachel Kent? Dental records? And if that is what they believe, I don't see why they think that's a case for the CIA instead of the DEA.

When one person survives a plane crash they don't zip her off to some black site for experimentation. Do they think 2350/1 survived because of her Supergirl invulnerability or her Invisible Girl force field? 

If 2350/1's memories were wiped, where did she get the idea she was Tabitha Smith?

This is mostly setup. Basically, When the lone survivor of an explosion in a cultist megachurch is found to have had her fingerprints burned off with sulfuric acid, the FBI suspects she's a criminal. Just when they've settled on drug kingpin Rachel Kent as the woman's identity, she starts firing lightballs at them from her palms. They quickly adjust their assessment and declare she's the Scarlet Witch.

That's enough setup, and leaves more room to tell us what happens, preferably showing more of the science fiction aspects.

Also, lay off the one-sentence paragraphs.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1307 would like comments on the revision below:


John Piscus survived the apocalypse, but lost his memories.

Humanity is decimated when a nanotech experiment is accidentally unleashed to [on] the world, which makes [making] light lethal to humans and forces [forcing] the survivors to live in the dark. All John wants is [to] survive the [this] hostile world, but a girl’s arrival at his shelter stirs [disrupts] his near paranoid and self-centred life; she is glowing, and therefore she is a threat to him.

The girl is convinced danger is near. He is reluctant to trust her, until fearsome troopers, who are herding survivors, hunt and eventually incapacitate them both, and bring them to a research facility [teeming with other survivors].

Unlike what he expected, they [Their captors] allow John limited freedom in the facility, though he is closely monitored. However, they take the girl away. John is worried [investigates], and decides to find her. He discovers that those who run the facility are experimenting on the other survivors, in an attempt [hoping] to reverse what happened to the world. And the girl is integral in achieving it [to their efforts]. But he also uncovers the truth about his forgotten past. At the risk of dying, John must [vows to] save the girl, otherwise those in charge will not only end up killing her, but also finish off [before she and] the few [others] who survived the apocalypse [are killed].

THE DARKENING is a 97,000 word post-apocalyptic horror novel, and will appeal to readers who enjoyed the melancholy mood and tone of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and P. D. James’s The Children of Men.

I am a bilingual Greek who studied and lived in Scotland for five years. [Sorry to have marked up the text so much; it's really not that bad considering you've lived most of your life in two countries where they don't speak English.] My short stories have appeared in online magazines, including Voluted Tales, Eternal Haunted Summer, and 9 Tales Told in the Dark.

Thank you for your time and consideration[period]


Notes

If the choice is between risking the lives of the survivors in the facility in order to fix the world so survivors everywhere else can handle being exposed to light, and rescuing the survivors in the facility but maintaining the status quo, which will lead to everyone dying, I'm for doing what's best for the many. In other words, the stakes are too high in the wrong direction for us to get behind the hero. Saving humanity takes precedence over saving the girl. Unless she's really good looking.

Also, I still don't get how the people who have yet to be exposed to light know that being exposed to light is lethal. Anyone who works in a radio or TV station would have been exposed to light, so how is word getting out? Perhaps people like the troopers who aren't affected by light are doing it? Even so, most of the limited number of people who haven't been exposed to light yet would probably find it hard to believe a radio announcement telling them they have to stay in the dark or they'll be devoured by a monster.

As you've opened with a one-sentence paragraph in both versions, I'm guessing you read somewhere that this is a good idea. I recommend dumping the first paragraph and just adding John's last name the first time you mention him after that.

Face-Lift 1308

Guess the Plot

Defender

1. Evil Queen Merylan's head goon Schultz wants a vacation. But he's the only guardsman who's survived every hero, champion, and assassin whose come after her. Hijinks ensue when the temp he hires attempts a coup d'etat. 

2. Corey's twin dies at birth, leaving Corey as the sole heir to the magical Huraff kingdom. When dark forces unite to defeat him and steal the throne, Corey's ghost twin is there as his silent invisible defender. But who will protect Corey from his defender when he decides he wants the throne for himself? 


3. What do you do when you're a new superhero in need of a cool name? You go to the Justice League, The Avengers, and even the X-Men to get some advice. But they're all busy with their lame missions, so Ralph is stuck with . . . Defender.
4. Move over Superman and Transformers. There's a new hero in town, one who fights off plaque, tartar and gingivitis. It's Defender toothpaste, available soon after my Kickstarter campaign reaches its goal.

5. When squeaky-clean Public Defender Brett Sarkesian is found dead in the bedroom of notorious Hollywood Madam Linda Cappelli, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, he was shot somewhere else, because there's almost no blood; and two, it's a good thing he's at Cappelli's house on business, because otherwise he'd play Hell trying to explain this one to his wife.

6. When Defense Attorney Amy Sterling is taken to the world of Argonatia, she must defend Prince Cosmos, accused of a heinous crime. How could someone so attractive be guilty? she wonders. And how can she save him when in Argonatia "legal defense" means trial by combat?

7. Caden has always longed for the day he'd be a knight, defending the kingdom from the monsters that wander the countryside. But now that he's sixteen, and old enough to start training, aptitude tests show he's a healer, not a fighter. Well screw that! That's women's work! 

8. The A.I. security system "Defender" reaches the logical conclusion that the only way to protect humanity from itself is to take over the world. In an unexpected twist it turns out it was right, and absolutely nothing goes wrong.

9. In a reckless attempt by insurance companies to rig auto rates, fenders everywhere are disappearing. The insured band together to defend against The De-fender, never seen, only heard as a faint dropping of screws.

10. Varick has defended the keep, the maiden, and his honorable lord. Now if only he could convince them that what he was really doing was attacking them. 




Original Version

Dear [AGENTNAME],

Sixteen-year-old Caden believed he'd become a knight, like the legends he adored as a boy. Like all others growing up, he saw half his village killed from [by] predatory creatures wandering the countryside. [Villages get destroyed; villagers get killed.] [Who do you mean by "all others growing up"? Are you saying everyone saw half their village destroyed? Or are you just talking about Caden's village?] The kingdom trains fighters with innate magic then deploys deploy them across the continent, killing the monsters. But the academy tests demonstrate Caden is a healer, a job usually reserved for women and a talent too valuable to risk in combat. [Ah, a world in which women's work is considered more valuable than mens'. Way to cater to the gender of most readers.] 

Determined to correct this joke of fate (he's a boy, dang it--he wants to inflict wounds, not patch them!), he'd risk expulsion [rather] than spend the rest of his life on the sidelines babysitting the careless. [In a world where healers are too valuable to risk in combat and men are expendable, you'd think a male would be proud to achieve the coveted title of healer instead of whining that it's women's work. If tests showed I would make a better elementary school teacher than sewage worker, I wouldn't complain about being transferred.] But the headmasters refuse to hear his appeals. When he tries to join the after-school club for knights, the teacher overpowers and humiliates him. When he defends his dorrmmates' [dormmates'] honor after a prank goes wrong, the school punishes him for fighting.

Then he discovers an underground dueling club. At first, this looks like the way to prove himself, but the club is a pretense [front?] for a cabal thought wiped out after starting a civil war within the kingdom. Their blood rituals summon demoniac [demonic] behemoths, and the duelers have spilled a lot of blood.

But Caden can't link the clues before the monster is summoned. [Clues to what? Which monster?] Now with the school threatened and a second civil war on the horizon, Caden is faced with a choice: follow the path laid out and become an instrument of the kingdom or break free of his destiny and become something more. [If you mean become a highly valuable healer or an expendable knight, it's not clear why he suddenly has this choice. I'm better at blogging than at golf; I'm pretty sure if a war breaks out I won't be invited to join the PGA tour.] [Also, he's an instrument of the kingdom whether he's a knight or a healer. Is he considering a third option?]

DEFENDER is a 91,000 word YA fantasy with series potential. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Stupefying Stories", and received an honorable mention in the 2010 "Writers of the Future" contest. My first novel MERM-8 was published by Musa in Fall 2014.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I don't get the impression that the message of the story is that women are useful too, which Caden learns after choosing knighthood and getting wounded and patched up by a woman. So I don't see the need for "a job usually reserved for women" and "he's a boy, dang it." Can't he want to be a knight just because he always wanted it, without giving him a sexist attitude about it? 

The first two paragraphs are all setup. Condense them to something like:

Sixteen-year-old Caden has always aspired to knighthood, but academy tests have revealed his aptitude lies in healing, not fighting. The last thing this fearsome warrior wants is to spend the rest of his life patching wounds instead of inflicting them.

Then Paragraph 2 is where he joins a dueling club to prove himself, only to find it's a front for a cabal looking to start a civil war within the kingdom. Add something about the clues he finds and what he plans to do about his findings.

Then a paragraph about his choice. Who grants him this choice that he didn't have before? You've made it clear he would choose knight over healer. Does he now see a downside to that choice?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1305 would like your opinion of this revision:


Dear Agent,

When Val is sentenced to death Slim, a [form of execution worse than hanging or the guillotine, one] lowly crystal miner, must escape his master’s fortress to save her. Unfortunately, he serves the Crimson God, a being with unlimited power. A horrible execution awaits all slaves who rebel, [They're all thrown into a vat of Death slime.] but he can’t turn his back on the girl he loves.

With the help of a mysterious slave, [Remove that comma and put it after "death" in the previous paragraph.] who knows more than he should, Slim sets out to gain his freedom. A fifty-foot stone wall surrounds the fortress and Mechanical guards swarm like insects protecting their hive. The rebels have one night and one chance to escape. [Because their fifty-foot ladder will change back into a guitar neck at the stroke of midnight.] [By "the rebels" do you mean Slim and the mysterious slave who knows more than he should? Or is there a full-scale rebellion underway? I'm not sure trying to escape necessarily makes you a rebel.]

On their journey, [Their journey? I take it they managed to get past the fifty-foot wall?] they discover that the precious crystals they mine are the ruminants of a great comet that struck the Earth a long time ago. [Did you mean "great comet" or "great cow farm"? Ruminant: an even-toed ungulate mammal that chews the cud regurgitated from its rumen. The ruminants comprise the cattle, sheep, antelopes, deer, giraffes, and their relatives. Wait, did you mean "remnants"? Maybe you should just say the crystals originated on the comet.] The fallen meteor was so powerful that it gave any individual who touched it superhuman abilities, turning men, like their master, into gods. [If it fell to Earth, it's called a meteorite.] Now that the rebels know his secret the Crimson God means to kill them himself. [As a horrible execution awaits all slaves who rebel, is it really that much worse if the Crimson God kills you himself?] Defeating a legion of mechanical guards seems impossible, but escaping from a master who can wield fire, control minds and turn into a snake is suicide. [Escaping isn't suicide; escaping is incredible. Fantastic. Trying to escape may be suicide, but they already did escape, right? I mean, they've been on a journey since the first sentence of this paragraph.] [Were they on a journey to wherever Val is to rescue her, or did they rescue her from the fortress and now she's on the journey with them?]

Crimson Soul, is a fantasy/young adult manuscript set complete at 90,000-words. I think this story might be a great addition to your literary catalog [I don't think agents have catalogs.] because you have represented novels like... My manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Best Regards,


Notes

Well, it's no longer mostly setup, but I wouldn't call it much of an improvement. It's not a cohesive, organized summary of a story. The goal is to rescue Val, and she isn't mentioned after the first sentence. I'm not sure what it is the slave who knows more than he should knows, or what he does, so he probably doesn't need to be in the query. 

What makes escape possible this one night as compared to any other night?

Is there anyplace where they would be safe from the god with unlimited power? Is there anything they can do to kill the god? If the answers are no, no, it's hopeless. If the answers aren't no, no, tell us what the plan is.