Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1305 would like your opinion of this revision:


Dear Agent,

When Val is sentenced to death Slim, a [form of execution worse than hanging or the guillotine, one] lowly crystal miner, must escape his master’s fortress to save her. Unfortunately, he serves the Crimson God, a being with unlimited power. A horrible execution awaits all slaves who rebel, [They're all thrown into a vat of Death slime.] but he can’t turn his back on the girl he loves.

With the help of a mysterious slave, [Remove that comma and put it after "death" in the previous paragraph.] who knows more than he should, Slim sets out to gain his freedom. A fifty-foot stone wall surrounds the fortress and Mechanical guards swarm like insects protecting their hive. The rebels have one night and one chance to escape. [Because their fifty-foot ladder will change back into a guitar neck at the stroke of midnight.] [By "the rebels" do you mean Slim and the mysterious slave who knows more than he should? Or is there a full-scale rebellion underway? I'm not sure trying to escape necessarily makes you a rebel.]

On their journey, [Their journey? I take it they managed to get past the fifty-foot wall?] they discover that the precious crystals they mine are the ruminants of a great comet that struck the Earth a long time ago. [Did you mean "great comet" or "great cow farm"? Ruminant: an even-toed ungulate mammal that chews the cud regurgitated from its rumen. The ruminants comprise the cattle, sheep, antelopes, deer, giraffes, and their relatives. Wait, did you mean "remnants"? Maybe you should just say the crystals originated on the comet.] The fallen meteor was so powerful that it gave any individual who touched it superhuman abilities, turning men, like their master, into gods. [If it fell to Earth, it's called a meteorite.] Now that the rebels know his secret the Crimson God means to kill them himself. [As a horrible execution awaits all slaves who rebel, is it really that much worse if the Crimson God kills you himself?] Defeating a legion of mechanical guards seems impossible, but escaping from a master who can wield fire, control minds and turn into a snake is suicide. [Escaping isn't suicide; escaping is incredible. Fantastic. Trying to escape may be suicide, but they already did escape, right? I mean, they've been on a journey since the first sentence of this paragraph.] [Were they on a journey to wherever Val is to rescue her, or did they rescue her from the fortress and now she's on the journey with them?]

Crimson Soul, is a fantasy/young adult manuscript set complete at 90,000-words. I think this story might be a great addition to your literary catalog [I don't think agents have catalogs.] because you have represented novels like... My manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Best Regards,


Notes

Well, it's no longer mostly setup, but I wouldn't call it much of an improvement. It's not a cohesive, organized summary of a story. The goal is to rescue Val, and she isn't mentioned after the first sentence. I'm not sure what it is the slave who knows more than he should knows, or what he does, so he probably doesn't need to be in the query. 

What makes escape possible this one night as compared to any other night?

Is there anyplace where they would be safe from the god with unlimited power? Is there anything they can do to kill the god? If the answers are no, no, it's hopeless. If the answers aren't no, no, tell us what the plan is.