Cynthea Liu's Blog, page 7

RLGL – Red Light, Green Light, ROUND 1 OPEN until Sat 2/20/16 @ 11:59 CST

The first Round for this year’s Red Light, Green Light contest is open for submissions!

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, look at our Rules and Regulations.

Once you’ve got that all figured out, click that submit button at the bottom of this post.

Round 1 will be closing submissions on Saturday (2/20/16) @ 11:59 CST so get those manuscripts in!

New entrants can enter anytime though, even if you miss Round 1.

Anything can happen in this game, so get in when a round is open. Please help us make this even more fun by letting others know what’s going on and inviting them to join in on the competition! #RLGL is the official tag.

Good luck, everyone! WOOF!

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RLGL – Red Light, Green Light Official Rules and Regulations

It’s your favorite time of the year again: RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT!

We’re back for another exciting, nail biting, keyboard crunching round, and we’ve made improvements to make RLGL much easier for Kissy to shred your manuscripts!

PLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE POST IN FULL. THE GAME HAS NOT BEGUN JUST YET. WE WANT EVERYONE TO CHECK OUT HOW THIS WILL WORK AND ASK QUESTIONS IF NEEDED BEFORE WE START. 

And remember, anyone can enter the contest, no matter what round we are on! So if you’ve just come across the RLGL contest and see that round 15 just opened–SUBMIT! Kissy sends submissions back all the time so tons of people are starting from the beginning with every round. So get in the game whenever you can!

Feedback: 

As always, you will receive feedback (brief feedback, of course, so we all can maintain our sanity over here, but feedback nonetheless!) on your entries, regardless of win! 

Prizes:

This year, we will award one lucky PB or Early Reader writer, a free phone consultation from myself and Kissy… and one lucky writer of a longer work (CB, MG, or YA), a free phone consultation as well. These babies are precious as I’ve been heavily involved in some very cool projects that are sucking away all of my time. So consider this a rare opportunity!

This means you will also get to talk to me in person and my pooch Kissy about your work for a long, grueling 30 minutes! Will you survive such a thing?! We hope so.

To win RLGL for your category, you must clear all of your manuscript pages for a PB/ER.

For a longer work, you must clear at least 8 pages of your manuscript.

Referrals:

Also for those who don’t know, Kissy, who joined my team a few years ago, is all about helping people get quality children’s stories published. This year, more than ever, he is on the lookout for some great manuscripts! Should something come under Kissy’s nose that is of interest, he will send it straight to me with just one wag of his tail.  In other words, if we find something we can’t pass up, we are offering an opportunity to be considered by either my agent Jennifer Rofe with ABLA, or a mystery publisher should your work be selected for referral. You do NOT have to win RLGL to be considered for referral. You just need to submit something Kissy thinks could be a great match for her agent or a publisher we have in mind. If your work is selected, you will know as Kissy will personally email you about this and ask if you would like to be referred.  Please don’t ask Kissy or me who the mystery publisher is. It’s a mystery and will remain as is unless your work has been selected for referral. At that time, you will know!

Finally, we all know that RLGL is not about the prizes, it’s about the feedback, the tension, the craft, and the glory of sneaking 125 – 250 words past Kissy’s little sniffer before it becomes lunch!

The Rules:

All submissions must be made via Submittable.We’ll show you how if you remember what we said and READ THIS WHOLE POST IN FULL so we can get to that part.


All submissions should be formatted in Word or RTF so that your submission “sorta” looks like an actual manuscript, with some exceptions, so we can keep track of your story. Use the template provided. Here’s a nice little screenshot of the template and the actual Word file follows for you, so use it!

BTW, if you need a bigger view of these screenshots, just give ’em a click.

*To download this in Word: Click RLGL Document Template

You can not submit ahead. Meaning if you are on Page 1, you cannot submit Page 2-5 to us at the same time, thinking we’ll just read ahead. We won’t.  Instead Kissy will reject your submission for breaking rules–something you all should get used to because this happens in the real world too. (For example, if a publisher only asks for 25 pages, you don’t send them 40, yes? Stick to the rules!)  If you leave to go on a vacation or you missed a deadline because you cracked your chin and lost a tooth, too bad. You cannot fast-forward. Instead, just enter the next round when it is open and continue from there. If you were on Page 3, for example, and you passed, submit Page 4 in the next available round you can get in on. If you were rejected in the last round you were in, start over with a new work in the next available round. Do NOT email Kissy asking for exceptions. He won’t answer those requests, even if SOMEONE CROAKED. And if that happens, you probably should be mourning and not playing RLGL anyway.

Also you should not submit to a round, unless you have heard back about the round you were last in. In other words, wait for something from us each round, before you move on to the next round.

You can only submit a single work to us at a time and you must wait until a round is open. Rounds are numbered sequentially and open and close at all sorts of weird times because we, like you, have busy lives and review submissions when we get the chance. We may also be busy making your manuscript something that resembles chopped liver (as Kissy is rather fond of liver). If you don’t know if a round is open or closed, check www.writingforchildrenandteens.com for the latest posts. REFRESH your web browser if the website looks the same to you. *The refresh button will be very important to any RLGL player.*


Always start with the first 125 words of the work and go sequentially from there for the next 250 words, then the next 250 words and so on. Do not send us material that is in the middle of your book – would you do that to an editor or agent when they see something for the first time? Nope. So don’t do it here either.


Works that are currently under serious consideration by an agent or editor DO NOT qualify for RLGL. However, if the work is on submission but you haven’t heard anything about it that would indicate an editor or agent is interested, that work is OKAY to submit to RLGL.  We don’t want people one-upping others with works that are either 1) under contract or 2) have already piqued interest from agents or editors and you’re just waiting to hear back. We want to see the stuff that you really care to have feedback on, not stuff that you feel could be in the bag. In other words, don’t waste Kissy’s precious time, by having him chew up something that doesn’t need to be gnawed on that much.  You can, however, submit work that you’ve sent in to RLGL before so long as it has not already won RLGL and that it has been significantly revised since the last time you sent it. In other words, don’t bore Kissy with stuff you’ve sent him before (written the same way) AGAIN, you wouldn’t do that to an editor or agent so don’t do that here, either.

Now here’s how to submit something. Once you’ve got your document formatted correctly (See Rule 2) and the round opens, here’s how to submit:

Wait for a new Round to open by watching for a new post on www.writingforchildrenandteens.com.
Re-read the rules again, which will appear in that post to be sure you’ve followed the rules.
Then click the Submit button that will be at the bottom of that post.
You’ll be sent somewhere that looks like this: 
Click the Submit Button for the Round that is open (for the purposes of illustration, it says RLGL Example Round, but in real life it will say, RLGL ROUND (and then the number for that round), as well as the start and end times for that round).
The first time you submit, you’ll be taken to a page to set up a FREE account and it will look something like this:   *** Note: even though you will be adding personal info here (like your name), that will all be hidden from us when we look at your submission.
Then once you’ve completed that, you’ll be taken here: 
Add in your MS Title and select your MS Format from the drop down bar.
Save the Word or RTF file that you want to submit with a name like this: “FORMAT My MS Title”.  (e.g. PB KISSY LOVES BACON). That way when Kiss downloads the file on his laptop, he can find it easily and does not mistake your Word/RTF file for someone else’s. SUPER IMPORTANT.
Choose that file with you just created with your MS excerpt and upload it. REMEMBER: Only include up to 125 of the first words of your manuscript if you are entering at Page 1. If you’ve gotten past Page 1, include the next 250, and so on in your actual document. (This will sort of mimic the effect of what most editors and agents see before they turn the page if you format your manuscript according to SCBWI standards.)
Click that Submit Button at the bottom.
You’ll be taken here: 
CONGRATS! You’ve just submitted to RLGL!
Wait patiently for your feedback. Please don’t ask us personally about when you will get your feedback returned. If however, you see a new round open, and we say we’re done with feedback but you got zippo from us, then email us at kissyRLGL AT GMAIL DOT COM.
You get feedback. It says: “GO BACK TO START” and a reason why: here’s where thick skin can come in handy. Remember, if Kissy sends you back to the starting line, this isn’t about you. It’s about him and his opinion of your work based on things he is looking for.  He doesn’t speak for all dogkind, and you won’t be the only human who will go back to start, over and over again. Hopefully, Kissy will explain why he felt that way based on what he has read so far. If this happens to you, this is what you’ll want to do:

Dust yourself off. Select a different MS of yours to enter into the contest.
Create a NEW document for your new MS entry using the RLGL Document Template.
Wait for the next round to open and give us those first 125 words from the new MS and proceed from there.


If your feedback says, “KEEP GOING!”: Don’t celebrate just yet. It is important to keep in mind that even though you have passed a round, your MS may not be *perfect* and may still require editing. Passing a round usually means that Kissy didn’t have enough info yet to rip your manuscript to shreds (statistically speaking). He’s getting hundreds of these to look through during this one contest, (just like real editors and agents do every day) so he’ll be looking to send you back as soon as you make a false move that convinces him he’s not a match for the work. So don’t get lazy with your next page. Watch every word. Also, if you’re a positive thinker, you CAN believe you passed a round because he actually likes what he’s reading. Kissy will not give feedback though when he green lights a manuscript to the next page; .he’s going to be busy managing the people who were sent back to start who need to know why. So just breathe a sigh of yourself for getting to the next page. Now here’s what you do when you pass a round:

Keep the document you submitted in the previous round. You’ll want to ADD your next 250 words to it, as shown in the template.  (NOTE: This is different from previous years, so make sure you ARE including previous text from your story so Kissy can see the whole thing in one place as you progress through it.) You’ll keep adding to this document each time you pass a page for this particular work. (But again, start a new document for new works if you are every sent back to start)
You’ll title those next words in a next section like [PAGE 2 – NEXT 250 WORDS]. This is where you will paste the next 250 words. If you need a visual for this, look back at the RLGL Document Template.
 Wait for the next round to open to submit  your work.

FINALLY. We reserve the right to edit and retract the RULES at any time! Especially if we made mistakes in typing all of this up. (Kissy’s paws are exhausted! Someone, throw him some bacon!)

Good luck with RLGL. Don’t give up. Revise every line of your MS before you submit. Remember, this game is a lot like the real world out there. You only have so many words, so many lines, to keep your reader engaged. Don’t get lazy. All you’re trying to do is write, revise, and find that perfect match!

QUESTIONS? Post them publicly here by commenting on this post so others can see, and we don’t have to answer the same thing over and over again. Thank you!

However, if you have a PERSONAL question for Kissy, you can send him an email here: KissyRLGL (AT) gmail (DOT) com. Kissy is going to have a lot of manuscripts to chew his way through so be patient if he doesn’t answer back right away!

Now stay tuned. The next post that will appear here at www.writingforchildrenandteens.com will open the first round. Be sure to tell your writer friends what is about to go down and have them watch this site right along with you to join in on the action!

Happy submitting, everyone!

 

Welcome!

Interested in learning how to write a children’s book? Look no further for all the nitty-gritty details of what you need to know to become a children’s book author, written by an active writer in the industry today.

Visit the Crash Course and get started!

Live, in-person! Addison, TX – Full Day Workshop, Nov. 15!

Hello, everyone! Fall is in full swing and I’m heading south!

Want to meet me and perhaps learn a thing or two about two very important topics in childrens’ book publishing?

Visit SCBWI Texas for all the details.

 

RLGL Final Around Results COMPLETE

 

Thanks again for your incredible patience in waiting for the final results for RLGL. We hope you have written or revised at least one major work while you were waiting for the pooch to get his head out of the refrigerator and work on your stuff.

We have two winners for the longer-work category! See below.

ALL RLGL WINNERS: I will be contacting you by email on Thursday to schedule a the phone consult you won, where you’ll get a chance to hear what the pooch  thought of your opening pages.

ALL Participants: We hope you’ve gained some new insights about your writing and the writing of others.  And remember, this was just one pooch’s opinion. If it does not ring true to you, happily ignore the input and listen to your inner-writer. Publishing is definitely not a one-size-fits-all kind of business. However, if you get the same feedback from others or feel deep-down that perhaps there might be something to the opinion, keep an open mind and see if revision can take your manuscript to the next level.

Thanks again for playing! Also, if you have plans to reserve a paid critique slot, May is now full. June 5 is your next deadline for an end of June turn around.  To reserve a slot, make sure you are signed up for the correct list and email Cynthea  what you need.

Happy writing, everyone!

P.S. If you turned in your stuff prior to the Final Round deadline but do not see anything for your entry, please contact me at cynthea AT gmail dot com. We think we may have missed an email or two in our frenzy to get this finished.

Format
Back
Next
Round 8 Notes


0
MG

X*
Concerned that there isn’t enough in the plottting in chapter 1 to feel like this matters enough. Consider making the plot a bit more involving or unique and less every-dayish feeling (could happen to anyone, anywhere).


28
PB





38
YA


Pg. 8 WINNER!


40
YA
X

Submitted over the 250 word count limit for successive pages


45
MG
X

Ultimately, this seemed so singly-focused on one thing in this many pages that the story lacked depth and the pacing feels off. Scale back on this topic and move the plotting forward. We’ve been in the main characters head for a looooong time ,too.


50
PB





63
YA





65
MG

X*
Set the scene bettter when you change locations, especially if the location is new to the characters involved.


66
MG





77
MG





85
MG





92
YA





93
YA





96
YA





97
MG





107
MG





109
PB





125
YA

X*
The pacing of this story is getting a bit slow. By this many pages in, we should have a stronger idea of the overall premise.


134
MG

X
Page 8.  WINNER!


147
YA





150
MG





151
MG





154
MG

X*
The characterization here feels very forced. And focused on minutia. Doesn’t seem like this should take up most of a page in your book. Ease back.


172
PB





183
MG
X

There’s nice writing here, but ultimately the story felt like it lacked depth. Why should the reader care? This is a very plot-oriented opening – let’s balance this out with a bit more character development at the same time so we feel more invested in the storyline


187
MG





190
PB





191
YA





205
MG





207
MG
X

Ultimately, the context should have been presented much earlier. See previous comment. Not a hard thing to change though.


209
MG


X


210
PB





211
ER





212
PB





214
MG





219
YA





230






234
MG

X



235
CB
X

Kissy is having a hard time understanding what is at stake here for this story. Why should the pooch care? There’s potential in the writing but … we just can’t seem to get why any of this matters story-wise. Reconsider how this story begins. Establish better what the premise of this story might be.


238
PB





245
MG

X*
This is well-written, but overall, now that we’ve seen this many pages, we wonder if the premise could be more relatable somehow or have more depth to draw us in more. Why is the MC so into what he’s into? Is that a way to get at the heart of his character  better?


255
PB





265
YA





267
PB





271
MG

X



275
PB





276
PB





277
YA





282
PB





283
YA





289
YA
X

This page was a bit disorienting. Where did that other character come from. Had he been there the whole time? Confused. Spend somet time setting up the scene a bit better, work on logistics so the reading is smoother and less disorienting.


295
YA
X

There needs to a be a bit more polish with technical aspects of the writing. But what really did I, is that by page 4, it’s a little too unclear what this book is about.


296
MG





297
MG

X*
The chapter break feels very unnatural, especially since the next chapter is just a continuation of the same scene. This feels very forced.


305
PB





309
PB
X

The humor is fun but overall, it distracts from the main point of the story. It seems a bit too complicated given the premise. Simplify and pare this down to its heart. What are readers supposed to walk away with when all is said and done? Can you do this in fewer words and keep the plot a bit more streamlined?


310
PB





311
MG





316
PB

X*
This has a ton of potential. But we think it needs to not be gender specific to make this even more marketable, also some more attention could be paid to the story arc of this manuscript to make it even more unrejectable.


322
PB





324
PB
X

Interesting concept, but the execution seems to falter quite a bit.  It’s not clear what the story structure and theme is; also  seems long for the format.


329
PB
X

In the end, this didn’t pan out in a way that felt compelling enough. The sense of humor is nice but work on tightening up the plot, deliver a surpirse at the end, and work on that  theme. Also shorten this in general.


334
YA

X*
First scene doesn’t feel developed enough, go a little further before the scene change.


335
MG
X

This is very disjointed between scene 1 and the flashback. Try not to rely so heavily on a flashback in the first opening graphs of your book. The sequence of time is a bit hard to follow as well, in the flashback itself.


336
MG

X*
Slow down with your opening a bit so it’s not this difficult to understand the setup


337
CB

X*
This seems a bit older for a chapter book at the moment. Too soon to tell though for sure.


339
YA

X*
Not super fond of the shift in POV after such a short moment with the first character. Just as Kissy was about to settle down with the first character, the channel is changed so fast you wonder why we started watching the first channel. Give the pooch some time to settle in before flipping.


340
PB





341
YA

X*
Abrupt transition between page 1 and 2. A bit odd not to stay in the first scene longer.

RLGL Wrapping Up: Round 7 Results COMPLETE, Final Round Deadline for Existing Entries ONLY April 23 11:59PM CST

Dear Tiquees:

Thank you for your monumental patience while Kissy deals with a whole host of tasks related to bacon consumption, chew-toy destruction, and every pooch’s favorite time of the year: Spring Break! We are back and it’s time to start closing down RLGL in preparation for summer. This means there will be no new entries for RLGL. Round 8 results will only include the entries that had been received up to this point (about 7AM CST, Apr 22), and entries from existing works that are still hanging in.

If you sent in your entry and followed the rules before April 8, 11:59 PM CST, your results should appear in this round. If they do not, contact Cynthea at her email address, not the sub address.

Also, if you are considering a paid critique, the sooner you notify us, the better. Sign up for the list and email Cynthea if you hope to get a May slot.

 

Format
Back
Next
Round 7 Notes


0
MG





1
MG
X

Kissy faded  on this one. He’ was going to give it one more page, but then felt the writing needed to be pushed a bit further. It’s feeling a bit too forced, but overall, it definitely use a bit stronger voice to make it feel more distinctive. This piece isn’t standing out like it should.


9
MG
X

The pooch thinks the topic is great but the writing needs to come up a bit in the story’s execution. it’s just not singing like it should and some more careful  characterization and development of the narrative will really take something that has potential and shine it up into a gem. This needs to shine! We want it to shine. But at the moment, the pooch just has to give it the paw.


28
PB





38
YA

X*
Be careful of making this book sound one-dimensional, like a stereotpyical 80’s problem novel. Those days have come and gone. So we need to make sure that there is more to this than the problem itself.


40
YA





45
MG

X*
A little hard to understand how to visualize this. And see previous comments about fleshing out the setup better in these opening pages. We’ll give it one more page to see if anything more comes to light. We hope so. The pooch is hanging by a very thin strand of bacon on this one.


50
PB





63
YA





65
MG

X



66
MG





77
MG





85
MG





92
YA





93
YA





96
YA





97
MG





107
MG





109
PB





125
YA

X*
The scene change is a bit abrupt with the new character intro – smooth this out a bit. Where were this person the whole time? Confusing.


129
YA
X

Ultimately what killed this for Kissy is that the MC is allowing someone else to do what the MC would really be doing herself too. This didn’t seem likeable. If she really loves the family member, that would be her first priority, not minding other people’s stuff. Easy to fix though.  Also see previous comment, her mind keeps digressing to things she wouldn’t be thinking about when she’s just lost the family member. Really get into your character’s head. Imagine what you would think if your family member just ran off.


134
MG

X*
This page lacked anything truly memorable. The writing here has gotten a bit flat and also the voice seems to falter a little (sounding more adult-ish, than child-like). This page doesn’t feel like it’s earning it’s place. Consider heavy revision.


147
YA





150
MG





151
MG





154
MG





172
PB





183
MG

X*
What this needs is a clearer setup. This is reading a bit cartoony – which is totally fine -but needs to be consistent throughout, from the very beginning. For a larger than life story – make it clearer from the get-go that it is – look at other MG books that stretch reality in this way. There are also plenty of TV references to examine as well.


187
MG





190
PB





191
YA





205
MG





207
MG

X*
Still don’t have a strong sense of the “so-what” of all of this. After this many pages, it should be much clearer. What is the bigger picture? The writing is good, but the interest is fading very quickly for this pooch.


208
PB
X

There’s a plot in here that could work, but the execution lacks emotion. Kissy really wanted to be one with this main character but just found himself reading a plot rundown. Consider 1) really shortening the text and sticking with your MC as much as possible, eliminating things that seemed distracting. 2) work on getting more deeply into your MC’s head and showing us his plight, versus sending him through the motions of the plot.


209
MG

X
watch for a little stuffing of detail at a moment where it doesn’t fit. Considered what just happened and where the MC’s mind would be. Jamming in details that feel out of place, given the context, can really pull a reader out of a story fast.  Easy fix though.


210
PB





211
ER





212
PB





214
MG





219
YA





221
PB
X

The humor is great, the idea is in the right direction but what’s not super clear is what this story is about by story’s end. While Kissy has a feeling the theme is friendship – this could come through much more clearly – and what exactly is the takeaway about friendship through this plotting? Answer that and make sure that is coming through more clearly. In the end, the pooch wondered if the younger audience was going to be able to relate to the MC and his counterparts predicament. Very important to build upon this. That connection and relatability between story and intended audience.


230






234
MG

X*
Consider writing this in past tense. There’s some awkwardness with the tense. Watch for breaking when there’s no need. Study how to transition in time without a break. Also the transition feels like someone just changed the channel. Smooth this out.


235
CB

X
Let’s see what’s on the next page. But this one is hanging by  thread here if it doesn’t pan out.


238
PB





245
MG

X



255
PB





265
YA





267
PB





271
MG

X*
This helps, but the writing here was a little stiff compared to what came before it. But Kissy is always a sucker for a good pooch story so we’ll keep going.


275
PB





276
PB





277
YA





282
PB





283
YA

X*
This feels more like MG versus YA at the moment. Be careful of the MC’s voice, almost coming off as too self-important. So scale back a little on that. Let’s see where this goes. Right now not super clear what this will be about.


284
MG
X

Unfortunately, the pacing really stalled on this one because so much attention was paid to minor movements. The page is filled with them to the point you lose track of what’s importat. Please visit the Revision 911 article and watch the dependency on dependent clauses as well. These are simple fixes to make and will improve the clarity and pace of your writing dramatically.


289
YA

X*
Add a little more depth to the telling. Still a bit hard to picture.


295
YA

X*
The writing feels very distant, making it difficult to feel involved with the story. The pooch will give it another page, but work on  drawing out more depth to the characterization.  Right now the MC feels dramatic and a bit empty. There’s not much to go on through the end of page 3. This next page needs more teeth to pull this one out.


296
MG

X*
Hopefully what’s going on will be outlined in the next page, otherwise, Kissy will be just plain confused. Clue him in a little on the premise of your book.


297
MG





305
PB

X*
Same comment as before.  The pooch really dug this one. Has potential but do add more depth.


306
PB
X

At this point, Kissy was not drawn in enough to keep going. The writing started to feel a bit flat and repetitive. And there wasn’t much here to draw out the emotions of either character that this involves. While again, the premise is intriguing, more needs to be done here (in terms of style, emotional development, theme ) to make this one demand more attention.


309
PB

X*
This seems a bit long overall, and we are a bit fearful this is more of a punchline than a full-on story with heart. Hmmm…


310
PB





311
MG





316
PB

X*
This one has taken an interesting turn. And the pooch wonders if the story should have started out a bit differently. It’s a great concept, but we also need to be concerned with Gender roles, etc. Let’s see where this goees…But definitely work to make this shorter.


317
PB
X

This character has promise but the storyline doesn’t have enough meat to it to make it feel promising.  Put on the marketing hat and give this either 1) More social value 2) more emotional value or 3) more evaluation value. Or all of the above.


318
PB
X

Ultimately, this was a good example of poetry but this, overall lacked pizzazz when it comes to really rallying your target audience (the pre-schooler/kindergartner) with the educational bend that this has in the picture book format. How do you make this read a bit more accessible to the target audience? A bit more fun to read aloud? A bit more engaging in terms of storyline? A bit more surprising and unexpected?


321
PB
X

Ultimately, this telling feels a bit stream of consciousness – like. Not sure where it is going, and the pooch wasn’t reeled in. Consider narrative more closely – examine story arc.


322
PB





324
PB


Attachment submitted.


327
PB
X

Ultimately, this one felt a bit long and the pooch still wondered what this was about. By this many words in, the story should feel like it has more weight / importance? It’s reading very much like a short story for a niche market, which isn’t bad per se. but not quite what Kissy is looking for.


328
PB
X

This story has potential but it’s lacking in story arc/emotional arc. See if you can go a bit deeper and really bring out a theme (a so-what?) for this story. Right now it is coming off as cute, but its lacking weight – concerend this will be viewed as slight in the marketplace, as is. So really go further with the overall idea


329
PB

X*
We wanna see what happens. Boy do we hope this ends super cleverly.


330
PB
X

This has potential but the way this turned out didn’t seem like the best direction exactly. It makes it sound as though in order to gain friends, one must conform versus embrace uniqueness/differences. The pooch doesn’t think this was the author’s intentinn but that was what the takeaway seemed to be by story’s end. Reconsider how this story resolves.


331
PB
X

Concept is good but execution feels a bit too commoplace/true to everyday life which makes for an ordinary versus extraordinary beginning. Try to reimagine this concept with larger than life fiction than demands attention in the PB format


332
PB
X

See 331.


333
PB
X

This concept felt a bit too off the beaten path. Very loose with such random elements put together. Try a different premise for this pooch. He just couldn’t connect.


334
YA

X
Be careful of harsher language in opening lines, if you plan for this book to also be shared in schools, etc. It may not be a consideration for you, but we always tell writers this if they want their books to appear in school libraries, Scholastic, etc.


335
MG

X*
This opening is a bit hard to understand from the first line. Also feels like the MC has a chip on shoulder / temper the voice. We want to care / empathize with the MC but so much snarkiness/negativity gives the pooch some pause (paws).


336
MG

X*
A bit hard to understand. Switch in topic is jarring.


337
CB

X



338
PB
X

This seems like it has a good theme, but the execution is a bit everydayish / too true to life which makes the manuscript itself seem too commonplace, not unique.


339
YA

X



340
PB

X*
This is an interesting idea, however, have to be careful. This sounds as though it’s  a situation that makes someone feel sorry for the main character, which could be viewed as offensive. Tread carefully and focus on the true meaning of this story. What is the theme? What is the hope for this story?  We have some ideas but as the author, get the story’s theme to come through a bit more clearly.


341
YA

X*
Yikes, this is a mature and somewhat nasty opening. Ha. No doubt, going this route could  turn off some people just by sheer grossness and appropriateness of content. But let’s see what’s on the next page.


342
PB
X

This is sounding like something meant for an older audience or a different format than PB. The style feels more short story-ish and the content feels like early middle grade at the minimum. Check out the PB section at your book store and look for  stories with similar subject matter – published in recent years.

 

RLGL Round 6 Results COMPLETE, Round 7 deadline, 11:59PM CST April 8, 2014

UPDATE: Round 6 Results are now complete. If you sent in your submission after March 27, 11:59PM (provided you have followed all of our insane rules), your submission rolls into Round 7, which ends on April 8, 2014.  Thank you all for your incredible patience. We hope you found that good chew toy to chomp to smithereens while waiting for these results.

This next week is extremely loaded for the pooch.  And if you are considering getting a paid critique from Cynthea while the pooch is busy chasing garbage trucks, watching ANIMAL PLANET, and of course, begging for bacon, please make sure you make the next deadline of May 5, for May submissions for written critiques. Though keep in mind, phone consults may be scheduled at any time that works out for both Cynthea and you.

Now on to Round 6 Results. Again, if you thought your results should have appeared here, double-check your submission and make sure you followed the rules and met the deadline. If you did not, correct your mistake by resubmitting to the correct inbox by the Round 7 deadline.  Arrrrroo!

Round 6 Results

#        Format  Back to Start  Next Pg (250 words)   Notes

0
MG

X*
By now the pooch needs to know where this is headed but the small incident here seems a bit too magnfied –  make the event bigger so the reaction is justified or else your MC will seem TOO weak and oversensitive.


1
MG





5
MG





9
MG





22
PB





28
PB





30
YA
X

This opening is still a bit too veiled. It’s unclear what this story could be about really, with alll the different elements mixed in. Kissy gave up and gave it the paw. Please try again with another work.


38
YA

X*
Pacing is really stalled on this page.  This page and the one before it could really be just one page, once all the extra stuff is taken out.


40
YA

X*
That is a lot to try to remember and keep straight in one page. Try not to dump so much in a short span with so many different characters all at once. Sounds a bit rambling


45
MG

X*
Definitely try to hint that there’s more to the story than what is outlined in chapter 1. Fleshout the setup there a bit more before you break to chapter two. Otherwise the novel feels empty, plotting-wise.


50
PB





62
YA
X

This intro feels a bit too drawn out to get to the part that matters and as a reader, we don’t understand why we would care for this character. What are her hopes. We know what may be getiing in the way of that, but the lack of a positive want or desire makes it difficult to empathize with the MC and her plight.


63
YA





65
MG

X



66
MG





69
PB





77
MG





85
MG





92
YA





93
YA





96
YA





97
MG





104
PB





106
PB





107
MG





109
PB





121
YA
X

Ultimately this opening feels a bit focused on one topic that the characters seem flat overall, see if you can revise this so that it’s clear there is more to them than just this.


125
YA

X



129
YA





134
MG

X*
Bea careful of making the character too unlikeable. If he’s this robotic, we begin to not care about what happens to him. Soften this a little.


147
YA





150
MG





151
MG





154
MG

X



172
PB





183
MG

X*
Very strange location for a chapter break. Work out how to know when to break for chapters.


187
MG





190
PB





191
YA





205
MG





207
MG

ccc
Establish what is so important about the MC’s goal. Unclear and the pooch is losing interest fast. His paw is shaking.


208
PB





209
MG

X*
Be careful of children drinking adult-like drinks, feels really out of character. Pulled us out of the story fast because we wondered if she was much older than we had thought. Easy fix though.


210
PB





211
ER





212
PB





214
MG





219
YA





221
PB

X*
Let’s see where this goes. Same comment as before.


230






234
MG

X



235
CB

X*
Not sure I get what’s at stake here for the MC and what she wants for herself?  Why does any of this truly matter? The opening pages should setup the ride we are about to take.  The pooch is not feeling as pulled in as he should be by this many pages in


238
PB





245
MG

X



251
MG
X

Ultimately, there are too many details here that feel coincidental. Perhaps have the discovery of the coincidence come out more slowly, over time, as they learn new things about the mystery – if in fact, they are deliberartely destined to solve it.


255
PB





264
CB
X

There didn’t seem to be anything on this page that matters to the story.  Be sure to edit out parts that don’t truly matter. This opening could stand to be reworked. As it stands, it feels a bit too much like a play-by-play of an ordinary day, versus a setup for a novel. Your opening needs to feel a bit more distinctive.


265
YA





267
PB





271
MG

X*
Provide more context as to what is headed for the main character. Right now, the pooch doesn’t have too much to go on and the other character is upstaging the main character a bit in these opening pages. Balance this out a bit.


275
PB





276
PB





277
YA





282
PB





283
YA

X*
Now we see what’s going on, but it was a bit disorienting in the beginning. Establish much sooner the species, or we will assume human and not this common speies, unless painstakingly clear, especially if the book is tagged as YA versus MG.


284
MG





289
YA

X



295
YA

X*
This feels a bit overwritten in spots and was hard to follow, without a second re-read. Don’t try this hard. Clarity is important.


296
MG

X



297
MG

X*
See if you can get to the answer in less space, this kind of goes on a bit long. Easy fix.


298
PB
X

This felt very pat and also gives the impression that one thing can solve all the kiddos problems. Be careful of this as it may give some false hope. Still like the topic though


301
PB
X

The story isn’t entirely clear – like what could be the so-what? Kissy wonders if this opening is strong  enough to carry a picture book.


302
PB
X

Ultimately, the execution felt very pat. It was much too simple for the MC to solve his problem  and the answer seems to come from nowhere, versus motivated by the story itself.  Nice sense of humor though but work on story development.


303
PB
X

Unfortunately, this premise just wasn’t right for Kissy. The pooch wonders how relatable this is, how universal. Also the next page is heavy with minor dialogue. Make sure every word counts, spoken or unspoken.


304
PB
X

Ultimately the pooch wasn’t drawn in on this page either. So many things to keep track of, it just seemed a bit too scattered and frenetic…we had forgotten what the story was or could be about.


305
PB

X*
Ultimately, this has potential but needs to be revised to get at a stronger theme for the book, and perhaps with more examples (versus just using one throughou the entire book).  Develop this idea into a PB with more breadth and a clearer so-what.


306
PB

X*
Same comment as before.

307
CB
X

If this is to be a chapter book, you have some stiff competition: See if you can more clearly define the confict with this cast of characters. Right now it feels a bit too stream of consciousness.  Check out Chris Colfer’s MG series that uses a similar idea. You will want to make sure you deliver something just as strong, but for the CB crowd.

 

309
PB

X*
Be careful of firearm references in PBs. Many parents, teachers, librarians have issues with illustrations of them for books meant for kindergartners. Easy fix tho


310
PB

X*
The choice of animal feels more regionally popular, but let’s see where this goes.


311
MG

X



312
PB
X

The style doesn’t feel like a PB text. Consider rewriting this without all the minor movements. See Revision 9-1-1 article on PBs at wfcat.com as a reference.


313
PB
X

The educational bend to this one goes a bit too far above PB target audience.


314
PB
X

This has charm, but watch the use of technology in PBs, this will quickly become outdated (visually).  Also why is this important to the MC? Unclear. Establish in opening lines


315
PB
X

This opening is strictly dialogue and I’ts not highly illustratable scene-wise, this would work well for a chapter book though – the writing style – see Revision 911 PB article on www.wfcat.com


316
PB

X*
this would be more fun visually if these weren’t humans, but let’s see where this goes. Always think of missed opportunities (visually). If the illustrations are just everyday scenes, it starts to become pretty snooze-worthy.


317
PB

X*
Hope this has heart, feels a bit punch-liney at the moment


318
PB

X*
Some of this is hard to picture instantly, even upon a second read. So watch for this. Don’t get tooo creative with it, that the visulization gets difficult for the agent/editor.


319
PB
X

This seems like it could be a great concept, but the rhyme didn’t scan well for the pooch. For that, it’s getting the paw. Really work on meter, scheme, syllabic stresses.


320
YA
X

This opening is much too forced with the backstory or a supporting character jammed in like this. Scale back and focus on forward narrative with a dash of backstory mixed in. Not a dump.


321
PB

X*
This intro could be compressed to half its size so the setup is clearer in fewer words. Let’s see where this goes. It usually doesn’t require more than three examples to establish something in a picture book. To list 8 is a bit much. Pick your very best details.


322
PB

X*
This is cute. Could be strengthened as a picture book or a board book, language and story-wise. See if you can clever up the ending so the resolution isn’t so easy.


323
PB
X

This feels a bit too loose with the concept – if you’re going to use fantasy- go fantasy all the way. Here, it’s combined with regular human stuff so it feels scattered. Loose in concept


324
PB

X*
Cute concept, but watch the wordiness.


325
PB
X

This also feels a bit loose in concept – the names of the characters, coupled with the use of hi-adventure, and then a nature topic.  A bit too helter skelter. While it’s good to think out of the box, motivate the out of box thinking so it still feels tight, despite disparate topics.


326
PB
X

This reads a bit too life-threatening for a PB opening. Scale back or perhaps this belongs in a slightly older work.


327
PB

X*
Feeling undecided by this one, sometimes it is hard to understand without a bit more context in the sentences. Also, the pooch wonders why this matters, but we will see where this goes.


328
PB

X*
Nice twist to the concept, but the bodily function just doesn’t seem tight enough for the concept. But let’s see whwere this goes.


329
PB

X

 

330
PB

X*
This has merit.  Though this could be tighter in execution so that a story arc builds, versus repetitive sequences that seem to have the same level of energy in each

 

RLGL Round 5 Results COMPLETE, Round 6 Deadline Extended Mar. 27, 11:59 pm CST

UPDATE: 

*IF YOU WERE A …

1)  ROUND 4 ENTRANT WAITING FOR RESULTS AND

2) DID NOT PASS  AND

3) DID NOT GET A NUMBER for Round 5 and

4) FOLLOWED ALL THE RULES TO GET INTO ROUND 5 …

please forward your email to the Cynthea address so we can get your entry processed.

Round 5 Results are COMPLETE.  The next deadline for existing entries and new entries is now March 27, 11:59PM CST.

PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU SEND RLGL ENTRIES TO THE SUB ADDRESS. Woof! Cynthea’s personal email box is for addressing issues only. Put it this way: To get in line, you need to stand in the right line. Nothing worse than getting to the front of the line after waiting for days, only to realize you were in the wrong line the whole time.

Also make sure you submit the correct # of words. If you are on the first page, 125 words. If you are on any page after that, 250 words.

First page entries do not have entry #s. You will get one when it is assigned to you. DO NOT use old entry numbers on new entries.

****If you do not see a response next to your number, please verify that your entry was sent to the correct address in the proper format, etc. before the Round 5 deadlines (there were two deadlines: one for new entries (March 20, 8PM CST) and one for those who were waiting for results from Round 4 (March 23, 11:59PM CST)***  If it was, and you titled your email correctly, etc., then forward your old email to the cynthea address  and tell us what’s wrong. If you did not send in your entry in time and everything else was correct, your results will appear in Round 6. DO NOT REPLY TO OLD ENTRY emails. This really screws up the order of Kissy’s emails. If you plain messed it all up, send in your entry with everything corrected to the sub address and it will be reviewed in the round it was received in.

NEW ENTRANTS: Any *new* entries received until the next deadline is set will be part of Round 6. Please make sure you only have ONE entry at a time in the entire contest. Multiple entries will result in disqualification of all of your entries.

Please do your very best not to send emails until AFTER your round is COMPLETE.

Also, new and existing clients: the paid critique deadline is coming up on April 5, please make sure that if you plan to receive a paid critique from Cynthea, please sign up for the paid critique list if you have not already for the rates, etc. and make the April 5 deadline for written critiques. We know RLGL has been great fun, but don’t miss the deadline if you wanted to get a full written critique. Cynthea’s critiques are very similar to Kissy’s, except there’s less bacon talk and barking involved. Phone consults may be booked at anytime, as usual.

Woof!

#               Format     Back to Start  Send Nxt Pg: 250 wrds      Notes

0
MG

X
Watch out for long interior monologue in the middle of convo.  Toward the end there if the list keeps going, it’s gonna be too long.


1
MG





5
MG

X



9
MG

X**
By this many pages, should have a much better sense of story.


22
PB





28
PB





30
YA

X*
Not sure how the opening connects with the next part. Hopefully that will become clear soon.


38
YA

X



40
YA

X
Hard to picture the narrator/characters referenced. Draw in visual details to fully develop the picture in the reader’s mind. Not just for setting but the character’s themselves.


43
ER
X

It’s unfortunate because the concept could be a lot of fun. The resolution felt very pat and convenient. It’s the right resolution, but work out the plotting so this comes together more cleverly, and the overall reading is a bit more suspenseful, making us wonder how on earth could this sort of resolution come to pass?


45
MG

X



50
PB





57
MG
X

This continues to suffer from all the important info being relayed almost strictly through dialogue. Don’t be afraid to use internal monologue to help us get to know the character’s a bit better too. It reads a bit too stiffly.  It’s a fun idea but work on the mastery of dialogue, versus interior monologue, versus narrative action and description.


62
YA

X



63
YA





65
MG

X*
Not understanding why the MC didn’t know this from the beginning.


66
MG





69
PB





72
MG
X

Something about the mysterious circumstances that get sidestepped so easily, and the character’s voice, which can seem a bit snarky/rude is making Kissy give this the paw. The pooch just isn’t drawn in as much as he’d like to be after this many pages.


77
MG





85
MG





91
MG
X

Ultimately, there wasn’t enough here in Chapter One to keep Kissy rooted in front of his laptop.  Was there really a chapter’s worth of story in Chapter One? There’s no need to break here.  Felt very forced and abrupt. Rework the opening to move the story forward more clearly by the end of Chapter One.  How is this incident different from all of the other times this has happened before? Make that clear.


92
YA





93
YA





96
YA





97
MG





104
PB





106
PB





107
MG





109
PB





121
YA

X
This one is also feeling a bit hard to remember. Though distinctive in time, the opening is reading a bit flat overall.


125
YA

X
If anyone is reading this, sometimes Kissy feels like the easiest thing you can do to clear a round is to write a clearly written scene. Comprehension/clarity is so important. Don’t make agents/editors backtrack and have to read your page twice just to understand how to picture this in their minds. Read your writing for clarity/ability to visualize. This sample of a page did just that.


129
YA

X*
We really wanted to follow this character, however, stay in your character’s head. If what just happened happened, would she really be thinking about some of the things mentioned in this page? A family member just ran off. Keep her mind where it should be until there is mental space for  more relaxed kind of thoughts.  Stay with your character, given the context, otherwise Kissy will give this one the paw.


134
MG

X



137
MG
X

Ultimately, Kissy just couldn’t get into the premise as much as he tried. Something about how this opens just didn’t feel super gripping. What’s at stake? Why does it matter for the MC? What does he really want? How can today’s kids relate? Find parallels and see if you can work that into the opening, approaching it a different way.


147
YA





150
MG





151
MG





154
MG





157
MG
X

Unforunately the pacing just seemed off here.  Tighten this so the story moves a little faster. Still don’t know what the setup of this book may be.


161
MG
X

This started off with what the characters don’t want versus what they do want, and seemed to hit the same issue over and over again, making this seem more dismal than intriguing with a dismal backdrop. Work to balance positive desires from a big picture POV with the negative circumstances to make this opening a more balanced read.


163
CB
X

Ultimately, Kissy feels this may not be the best way to open your story. It’s a very slow start. Consider Carl Hiassen’s HOOT as an example of opening your story in an intriguing way, given the genre of your book. Also your MC reads older than his stated age. I would age the age to 12 to make this squarely MG, instead of CB, given the maturity of the MC’s voice.


172
PB





183
MG

X*
Having a hard time figuring out if this is supposed to be fantasy or not.  The premise seems a bit odd and I wish this were better justified in the story and explained.


187
MG





190
PB





191
YA





205
MG





207
MG

X*
So many names to keep track of in one page. Eek. Kind of lost track of what was going on.  Indicate why he must take this trip or we don’t even know why we should care.  Kissy’s paw is shaking


208
PB





209
MG

X



210
PB





211
ER

X*
The storyline feels like it’s meandering a bit. Like it’s just moving from one thing to the next without any real motivation. Starting to wonder what the point of the book is.


212
PB

X*
We don’t even know what to make of this except it is oddly funny and so bizarre. See if you can try not to make it a book that crosses two potential holidays together. Maybe change the christmas character into something less associated with any particular holiday. Perhaps something really really  the opposite of his behavior that children really adore to consume.


214
MG





219
YA





221
PB

X
We hope this has heart and not just a punchline


230






234
MG

X*
Be careful of being too jokey jokey when serious stuff is happening. Stay in his head. Don’t force humor in the wrong spots.


235
CB

X*
This is reading a bit more like young middle grade with all the politicking going on.  Also the first part did not transition well into the second. Is this the best way to open your book?


238
PB





245
MG

X



251
MG

X*
 The coincidence and how readily the character’s believe it makes them sound a bit too naïve. Instead motivate the belief more or temper their confidence that this is the case. Feels too forced


253
PB
X

This feels like a punchline versus a full blown story. Each stanza felt a bit repetitive of the one preceding it, versus complicating the overarching plot instead. Also watch for resolutions that just come to the character magically without any setup, etc.


254
PB
X

Yeah, this ends with a pat resolution. But the concept could really work – see previous comments


255
PB





264
CB

X*
We would classify the voice as MG; she is very self-aware. Typically 8/9 year olds sound much younger in chapter books and the telling is simpler because younger kids are reading these books. Think Judy Moody. Clementine, etc. Consider upping the age so this falls more squarely into MG.  Also watch for appearance of typical mom saying typical things in opening pages. It doesn’t help your manuscript sound unique. Consider starting elsewhere in your story.


265
YA

X*
Watch for references to TV shows. Give your book a longer shelf-life. Easy fix


267
PB





270
MG
X

Ultimately, Kissy feels that how this opened may not have been the strongest. Perhaps Chapter 2 is really where the story starts – begin on the day that is truly different for the MC, versus a whole chapter on backstory.


271
MG

X



275
PB





276
PB





277
YA





282
PB





283
YA

X*
This is a bit confusing and hard to picture the narrator as the actions are taking place. Is he invisible? How come he does not appear to be in the actual scene itself?  Hopefully this gets cleared up fast.


284
MG

X

 

 

287
PB
X

This one falls in the category of many other PB entries that have gotten the paw from Kissy. Everydayish opening, short-story style.  Parental figures showing up in early lines, saying typical parental figure stuff. To make this standout as a commercial major trade picture book, the story should feel larger than life and give maximum opp for eye-catching illustration. Typical scenes just don’t do that as well as competing manuscripts.  Visit the PB wall at B&N (where all the books face out) and count how many books feature an everyday scene with human characters, speaking regular dialogue in a typical everday setting. Not many, if any, and there’s a good reason for that.


288
PB
X

See 287, except here the main character is not a child, but an adult which make this less universally connectable. Consider making a child the star versus an adult.


289
YA

X*
Set the scene a bit more visually. Hard to picture the characters or setting in any memorable way.


290
PB
X

See 287


291
PB
X

See 287. Also, unless this is a speech balloon kind of picture book with very strong dialogue, detailed minor conversations don’t usually make for great PB text because illustrating minor dialogue is not the point. It’s an eye catching visual scene that matters. PB style is usually less dialogue-filled. It is worth studying in contemporary PB stories. The balance of dialgue vs narration.


292
PB
X

Have to be careful of using content that might be replicated by a child when using human characters.  Also, once again, if this weren’t possibly dangerous, it still features a pretty typical scenario found in everyday life. Contemporary PB fiction usually takes an everyday concept and makes it much larger than life.


293
PB
X

See 287. Also see 291.


294
PB
X

This is an interesting concept, but the execution feels too commonplace.  Maybe there is a version of this in the manner of Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. See if you can approach it from that angle?  Remember, larger than life. Not like real life.


295
YA

X



296
MG

X



297
MG

X*
Detail the visuals a bit better so it’s more distinctive. Hard to picture.


298
PB

X*
This is a good topic, may be of interest to some publishers. Let’s see where this goes.


299
PB
X

It was hard to follow which animal was which and what this picture book may be about.  Kissy scratched his head and then just gave it the paw.


300
PB
X

Punctuation and capitalization in opening lines made Kissy give this one the paw.


301
PB

X*
This one’s odd. Kissy will see where this goes. Hopefully it’s point will be come clear.


302
PB

X*
A popular TV show makes this one seem less original, but we will see where this goes…


303
PB

X*
Can’t tell what is happening with the sounds. Not clear, where is this premise headed exactly but we will give it another page because of charm


304
PB

X*
Title is too close to a food product brand. The premise isnt super attractive to this pooch, but we will see where it goes…


305
PB

X*
Interesting idea here, have to be careful not to sound presumptive about race and language. Easy fix though.

 

RLGL Round 4 Results COMPLETE

UPDATE: 

Round 4 Results are now complete.

PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU SEND RLGL ENTRIES TO THE SUB ADDRESS. Woof! Cynthea’s personal email box is for addressing issues only. Put it this way: To get in line, you need to stand in the right line. Nothing worse than getting to the front of the line after waiting for days, only to realize you were in the wrong line the whole time.

Also make sure you submit the correct # of words. If you are on the first page, 125 words. If you are on any page after that, 250 words.

First page entries do not have entry #s. You will get one when it is assigned to you. DO NOT use old entry numbers on new entries.

If you do not see a response next to your number, please verify that your entry was sent to the correct address in the proper format, etc. before the Round 4 deadline on March 12, 8PM CST. If it was, and you titled your email correctly, etc., then forward your old email to the cynthea address  and tell us what’s wrong. If you did not send in your entry in time and everything else was correct, your results will appear in Round 4 or Round 5, depending upon when you sent it. DO NOT REPLY TO OLD ENTRY emails. This really screws up the order of Kissy’s emails. If you plain messed it all up, send in your entry with everything corrected to the sub address and it will be reviewed in the round it was received in.

Round 4 Entrants who were waiting for results in order to proceed to Round 5 (#1-#275): If you passed, your entry will be part of Round 5 if you submit your page by March 23, 11:59PM CST. If we don’t get it by then, your entry will be part of Round 6.

NEW ENTRANTS: Any *new* entries received until the next deadline is set will be part of Round 6. We are trying to get everyone back in sync again.  Please make sure you only have ONE entry at a time in the entire contest. Multiple entries will result in disqualification of all of your entries.

Please do your very best not to send emails until AFTER your round is COMPLETE.

Also, new and existing clients: the paid critique deadline is coming up on April 5, please make sure that if you plan to receive a paid critique from Cynthea, please sign up for the paid critique list if you have not already for the rates, etc. and make the April 5 deadline for written critiques. We know RLGL has been great fun, but don’t miss the deadline if you wanted to get a full written critique. Cynthea’s critiques are very similar to Kissy’s, except there’s less bacon talk and barking involved. Phone consults may be booked at anytime, as usual.

Woof!

#                Format   Back to Start  Send Nxt Pg   Notes

0
MG

X*
Watch the forcing of too much internal monologue at the wrong time. Kissy almost gave that part the paw. Suspending time like that to relay a bunch of info breaks from the reality of the scene. Also don’t forget to set your characters better so this can be pictured more readily in the mind


1
MG

X*
This entire page reads a bit forced and the pacing has completely stalled. Kissy will give it one more page….


4
YA
X

Ultimately, four pages in and Kissy was scratching his head about what this could possibly be about. Consider reworking these opening pages by using a scene that might speak better to the overall setup for your story.


5
MG





9
MG

X*
Let’s get to the next subject. Kissy’s paw is shaking.


12
PB
X

Liked the idea of this, the funness of it. But ultimately this felt a little bit loose in terms of the elements used. Tighten up the motivation for the kind of characters you used or tweak the characters so they make more sense. See if you can up the value of this piece by incorporating some sort of educational concept to give this more oomph. RIght now, it reads as cute but not important/strong enogh.


22
PB





28
PB





30
YA





38
YA

X*
What happened to the friend, btw? Keep all the balls moving  when your’re storytelling, like juggling. Sometimes it’s too easy to just focus on the one ball that you’re holding.  But there’s always a couple that are in the air at the same time.


40
YA





42
YA
X

Utlimately, the main character didn’t seam approachable enough. What does she want What does she desire? Kissy felt like he was kept at least a hindleg’s length away from getting to know her better.


43
ER





45
MG





50
PB





56
MG
X

By this many words, the pooch was still confused. To the point that he wasn’t even sure if the characters were human or animals. Consider slowing this down a bit and setup what is at stake here? What is the overarching story? How can you hint at or detail that better from the beginning?


57
MG

X*
No need to rehash the same info, progress the story forward. Easy fix


62
YA

X*
Kissy is having trouble remember this one, when compared to others. That’s a sign that something is not distinctive enough about the character’s voice. Start studying characterization in really strong character-driven YA books, written in 1st person. See if you can see what tools the author uses to make the character’s voices stand out.


63
YA





65
MG

X*
Try to set the scene a bit more visually when the special thing is found. Not force all of it through dialogue.


66
MG





69
PB





72
MG

X*
The MC is a touch unlikeable. A few tweaks should fix this. Make sure the MC doesn’t come off as jerkish.


77
MG





85
MG





91
MG

X*
Concerned with pacing now. Get to it. Nothing has really happened yet, and we are 4 pages in. Hmmmm. Kissy’s got a toenail pointed toward the line. When there are four pointed in that direction, this one’s burnt bacon. (which is still tasty btw)


92
YA





93
YA





96
YA

X*
This reads more like an MG as an opener than a YA, also it doesn’t feel fully fleshed out by the end of chapter one.  Add more depth to the storytelling. Round this out.


97
MG





104
PB





106
PB





107
MG





109
PB





119
MG
X

Ultimately the forcing of details at the wrong moments made Kissy give this the paw. Also watch the language in MG. Certain words are controversial to both parents and schools for middle schoolers, regardless of how authentic it may be.


121
YA

X



125
YA


Submit 250 words please.


128
MG
X

This feels shy of 250 words, but ultimately what did it was not staying in your character’s head. After finding such a thing, he acts like he just found an old gum wrapper, never to be thought of again. Very forced. Stay with your character – he seems to be doing X, then Y, then Z but the logic and motivation from one thing to the next feels light and hurried.


129
YA

X



134
MG

X
Watch for scene breaks that aren’t needed. This makes for choppy jarring reading. You already have two in just 4 pages alone.  No need


137
MG

X*
 A  bit forced in relaying of backstory through dialogue. Be careful of this.


147
YA





150
MG





151
MG





154
MG





157
MG

X*
Pacing is a bit off, Kissy’s paw is shaking. He’ll give it one more page.


161
MG

X*
We are not sure why the book started where it did. Hopefully this becomes clearer real soon. Kissy’s paw is twitching.


163
CB

X*
This doesn’t seem to really be going anywhere in the forward story. It’s all been backstory, mostly. Reverse the balance.  Kissy’s paw is twitching.


166
YA
X

Ultimately, we could not get our bearings on the situation. There’s too much vagueness in the detailing of the scene, the thoughts, who’s who, etc. The pooch got frustrated.  Consider coming at this from a different angle or seeing if you can tighten the execution.


172
PB





173
MG
X

Ultimately this page got bogged down with overwriting. The character is very much in his head to the point that it sounds unnatural to have all these cleverly devised thoughts and analogies all in a short span while another just  character moves from point A and point B. Took Kissy right out of the story to the point he couldn’t even contemplate what this book may be about. Watch the pacing. Pick your moments.


183
MG

X
Are you sure you want to end the chapter where you did? Move the plot forward a bit more unless this is a short chapter book?


187
MG

X*
It’s not clear what the potential conflict of this book may be. Instead it feels like Kissy just read a nice monologue but ummm.. What’s the story? Better get to it quick. His paw is twitching.


188
PB
X

This is very fun, but as it stands it just reads like a cute poem. We feel like you are halfway there – find heart to this story or at the very least an educational angle with this story. (Piggies in a Pumpkin Patch is a good example of cute poem With an educational angle.  Or go another route – Character driven with heart when you do a rhyming PB like this one, e.g. any of the Bear titles by Karma Wilson)


190
PB

X
This has some strong potential but it could definitely use a little tightening. Build the arc – go small, and get bigger with each example. See if you can make this even more clever and perhaps educational, too, about the character’s species. Good work. But refine to perfection!


191
YA





196
PB
X

I would review the notes from the previous round because this did feel too predictable and not quite distintive enough for this pooch.  See if you can make this a bit more character-driven and the realization should be not based on fear alone, round out the epiphany.


203
PB
X

The rhyme just wasn’t strong enough. Really work out the scheme, and syllabic stresses so that when read, it will scan more readily


204
MG
X

Ultimately, this premise was not right for this pooch. Try again with a different work.


205
MG





207
MG

X



208
PB

X*
Same comment as in Rd 3


209
MG





210
PB





211
ER

X*
Watch the sentence structure. Make sure this will still make sense when read aloud, without the pictures as an ER


212
PB

X*
Again, the pooch is doubtful for some reason, but entertained. Let’s see where this goes.


213
MG
X

Disqualified.


214
MG





219
YA





221
PB





225
PB
X

In the end this was a bit too hard to track as a PB. There are so many elements here and not all of them are following the pattern established. Simplify and make the phenomenon that is happening consistent throughout.


228
PB
X*

First, no skipping stanzas unless you truly mean to cut them out. Second, this has potential. But it needs more oomph – an educational angle would be great for this piece to go along with the poem. Was touched on, but not the heart of it. Needs to be central to the storytelling.


230






231

X

Ultimately, Kissy wondered where the child is in this story. Also the prose was a bit flat. See if you can work on 1) upping the kid appeal of this story by using a child as your main character and 2) making your writing more vivid – study description, setting, use of visual detail to help a reader visualize what’s laid out in the scene.


233
PB
X

Ultimately, this premise didn’t connect with the pooch. Try again with a different work.


234
MG

X*
Be careful of making him sound too snarky or negative. Temper


235
CB

X*
The writing could be a little bit more distinctive. It’s reading a bit flat with the voice and the character’s aren’t easy to picture in the reader’s mind


236
PB
X

In the end, this one was a bit too whimsical or quirky for the pooch’s taste. He was left wondering why? Why does this matter? What’s at stake here, Though whimsical can be great – Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a great example of that – see if you can find out what’s missing when you compare your story with other whimsical picture books.


238
PB





239
YA
X




245
MG

X



248
PB
X

This became too repetitive and didn’t really build up to anything – consider story arc to make this feel more like a story versus a series of refrains. We were left wondering, why does this matter?


251
MG

X



253
PB

X*
Same comment as in Round 3


254
PB

X
This could use a bit more marketing oomph but has great potential. See if you can really work the topic a bit more and make this more educational while still relaying a good story with the plot and characters you got. Also really perfect the rhyme. The pooch can think of a number of ways to amp this one up a notch or two. So refine this more and you’ve got something pretty cool here.


255
PB





256
PB
X

This was fun in dialogue, great sense of humor but ultimately, the pooch is trying to sniff out a story here. There needs to be a bit more surprise to this one, ingenuity. Consider the concept of story arc while educating at the same time.


262
PB
X

This is about something else entirely and it made Kissy wonder – how could this be more universal? Two opposites, but only one dimension really. Hmmm. Doesn’t seem like enough meat to carry a PB.


264
CB





265
YA





267
PB

X
Ultimately this was  a cute poem. But this could be tightened/fine tuned  to make for a stronger picture book, which can also be spun off into a board book. See MY PUP as a reference by MARGARET O HAIR. Look at sentence length, educationa concepts, etc.


268
PB
X

Ultimately this story felt repetitive and left Kissy wondering – where’s the bacon? What is this about exactly? By this many words, the value of this book should be clearer to the editor/agent.


270
MG

X*
This one feels a bit slow and difficult to connect with. Hmm. One more page…


271
MG

X

 

275
PB

X*
This is pretty wordy and descriptive for a PB text – leave the details up to the illustrator, by now I should have a much stronger sense of story. As an author, that’s your role. The art, is the illustrator’s. This needs to be addressed through revision, but we will see where this goes.


276
PB

X*
This is a little different, let’s see where this goes. It reads a little flat. Spark up the writing a bit more.


277
YA

X



278
PB
X

This is great from an educational standpoint, but the storyline itself is very repetitive. Build a story arc, rhythm or pattern that works it’s way to a climax, which will engage the reader much more.


279
PB
X

this concept felt too loose, the elements aren’t consistent or logical to make this feel tightly written. It’s a bit too much like random attributes were put together to make this character who he is, versus hand-picked attributes that would make sense for who he is, with a twist to keep him unique.


280
PB
X

This one just didn’t engage the pooch in a way that stood out. It has educational value but feels a bit too quiet to grab his attention in these opening lines


281
PB
X

The title and the refrain can be misread to mean something else. Have to be careful here. The subject is interesting, but we wondered if this could be spun more to make it more commercially appealing. Think larger than life.


282
PB

X



283
YA

X



284
MG

X*
A bit confusing as an opener. Smooth it out so it’s much clearer whose perspective this is being told from, in line one, versus later.


285
PB
X

The opening sounds a bit reporter-like in terms of style. Like it’s from a nonfiction piece. See if you can find a more engaging way to open your story.


286
PB
X

This reads much older than a PB text because of the prose’s style and the perceived age of the MC.

RLGL Round 3 COMPLETE, Round 5 Deadline March 20, 8pm CST

UPDATE:

PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU SEND RLGL ENTRIES TO THE SUB ADDRESS. Woof! Cynthea’s personal email box is for addressing issues only. Put it this way: To get in line, you need to stand in the right line. Nothing worse than getting to the front of the line after waiting for days, only to realize you were in the wrong line the whole time.

If you do not see a response next to your number, please verify that your entry was sent to the correct address in the proper format, etc. before the Round 3 deadline on March 12, 8PM CST. If it was, and you titled your email correctly, etc., then forward your old email to the cynthea address  and tell us what’s wrong. If you did not send in your entry in time and everything else was correct, your results will appear in Round 4 or Round 5, depending upon when you sent it. DO NOT REPLY TO OLD ENTRY emails. This really screws up the order of Kissy’s emails. If you plain messed it all up, send in your entry with everything corrected to the sub address and it will be reviewed in the round it was received in.

Round 3 Entrants who were waiting for results in order to proceed to Round 4 (#1-#205): If you passed, your entry will be part of Round 4 if you submit your page by March 19, 8PM CST. If we don’t get it by then, your entry will be part of Round 5.

NEW ENTRANTS: Any *new* entries received up until March 20, 8PM CST will go into Round 5.

Please do your very best not to send emails until AFTER your round is COMPLETE.

 

#                Format      Back to Start  Send Next Pg   Notes

0
MG

X



1
MG

X*
there’s some strong writing here, but stay on topic, the MC’s thoughts wanders off a bit too much, given the context. What she wants to say but is prevented from saying. Focus on that, not scenery, necessarily unless it specifically relates to what she wants.


4
YA

X*
Kissy’s paw is really shaking. There were a number of forced details In this one. Watch the character’s thoughts. Are they al motivated, given the context of the scene? Is she highly distractable or is this the author trying to work some stuff in, at the wrong time? Watch for this.


5
MG





9
MG

X*
Good topic, but it seems hung up on it a shade. Round it out more, versus singly focused on … look, here’s a book about X. See? It’s a bit too self-aware, but some minor tweaking and you should be good to go.


11
PB
X

This one seems to lose its focus with other characters who aren’t quite related and their backstory isn’t used in an innovate way that affects the storyline. We like some idea of this but strip it down and go back to the main point of the story and work out the stuff that’s distracting. Also come up with a resolution that’s a bit more clever. This one felt a bit too easy.


12
PB





16
PB
X

This had a ton of charm but ultimately the ending fell flat for me. How can you make the theme of friendship become the heart of this story. Versus something that felt more like a punchline.


22
PB





24
PB
X

This reads so much like a punchline. Give this one more meat. The topic is sooo promising but think even MORE out of the box so that this feels like it has a lot of heart, too. Not just a few chuckles. Also consider making the title and premise more gende-neutral to make this even more marketable. Expand the idea.


28
PB





30
YA

X*
The thoughts seem out of order here. Stay with your character as much as possible. After an incident like the previous page, what would be the first think she’d think on the next page?


38
YA

X



40
YA





42
YA

X*
There seems to be some unnatural foreshadowing going on. Keep in mind, this is in first person, stay in her head and what she’d really be thinking at that time.


43
ER

X*
Feels like this needs a bit more spark to stand out. Let’s see where this goes.


45
MG

X*
Make sure that this is conceivable for realistic fiction. Don’t bend the rules of real law in this case. This is kind of  like writing a realistic fiction book and basing it entirely on the fact that the kid can drive a car at 12 in his/her state.  Don’t mislead the reader in this way. Spin this so the end result is the same.


50
PB

X



54
PB
X

This idea has potential, it’s quirky and important, however the ending didn’t feel like much of a struggle. Kind of pat and easily tidied up with a nice little bow. See if you can make this a bit less literal and a little more sly. Also let’s see the story arc increase in intensitiy with a surprising climax to make this even more engaging.


56
MG

X*
Feel a bit disoriented. Not sure what their roles are and what the concept is, exactly. Also watch for forced details that would not be thought ,given the circumstances.


57
MG

X*
Really try to avoid jamming in backstory in dialogue this way. Reads so unnaturally. Keep doing this and this one is getting the paw.


59
MG
X

This was a bit disorienting. With all the elements on page 1 and page 2. Slow down a   bit, stay on topic given the context of the scene.


62
YA

X



63
YA





65
MG

X*
Some of the dialogue is anticipating the author’s thoughts, not the character’s. Stay with your characters. Don’t force in background info or details that the character really wouldn’t be thinking at that moment.


66
MG





69
PB





72
MG

X



76
YA
X

this meaners from topic to topic quite a bit and the pooch is raising a furry eyebrow about what to do with all this information. It’s a bit “too” heady at the moment and he’s lost interest. The writing is good, just needs more control so that the story can move forward. Characterization is just one part of storytelling, The forward action needs to be  clearer here.


77
MG





85
MG


No entry


90
CB
X

Unfortunately, the voice seemed too disjointed for this pooch. Sometimes young for his age, sometimes too old for his age. Consider NOT trying to get too creative with this and smooth it out. It’s rare to have someone this young carrying a chapter book unless your character is Junie B. Jones and her voice was pitch-perfect. The pooch is worried others may think this doesn’t come up to par in comparison.


91
MG

X*
There’s some technical stuff with the writing that’s making this harder to picture than this should. The story seems unique, but I’m concerned about the writing. There’s a heavy reliance on dialogue versus internal monologue or plain old narration to convey visual detals.  KIssy’s paw is shaking.


92
YA





93
YA





96
YA

X



97
MG





104
PB





105
PB
X

In the end, this felt a bit too repetitive and the ending felt pat? See if you can make this a bit more clever and unpredictable? Think of the story arc – rising action, climax, etc.


106
PB





107
MG





109
PB





112
YA
X

Not believing the grief here. Compare page 1 to 2. Is it really the worst thing in the world if the next page there’s teasing and joking? Have to be really careful when starting a book with a death of a loved one.  There’s good writing here, but the believability factor sailed southward fast.


116
YA
X

In the end this moves at a minutia-like speed, and the overall effect is that it feels a bit melodramatic even though the scene is supposed to be quite dire. Find the balance between dramatic effect and melodrama. More subtletly, less overwriting is key here.


119
MG

X*
Parts of this feel YA, hmmm… Watch for forcing of details that don’t matter, given the scene.


121
YA

X



125
YA

X



128
MG





129
YA

X*
This is going to sound weird, but see if you can make the voice less down-on-oneself sounding so that when we get the dismal news we are still inspired to read about her in the following pages. Too woe-is-me and it’s just not exciting to read.


134
MG

X



135
PB
X

In the end the compare/contrast thing is great, but the execution just didn’t feel unique enough. Like other comments, this is something we can see everyday. Find a new way to spin this so its like nothing else.


137
MG

X*
A bit jarring to realize these are children when the opening made one think it was adults. Feel a bit misled.


147
YA





150
MG





151
MG





153
PB
X

In the end, the concept felt good, but the execution fell flat. How can this story become more clearly suspenseful and informative at the same time. Right now, it feels like the MC is just going through the motions


154
MG

X*
Did the POV switch? Sounded like 3rd person, then went to first. SO many names in a one page, too, hard to keep track. Slow down and situate the reader a bit better. Kissy’s paw is twitching


155
PB
X

In the end, this becamse too repetitive and the focus was so narrow. See if you can turn this into a larger story, broader story with a clearer takeaway by story’s end


157
MG

X*
While these details are great, you only need about half of this to make your point, watch your pacing


160
PB
X

The plotting of this is a bit forced for the “suprising reveal” at the end.  As an informative book, it begs the question why the last stop was the stop that it was, given that everything else was in order, except for that thing.  Be consistently factual or this will get criticized for the convenience of the solution.


161
MG

X



163
CB

X*
the backstory feels a bit jammed in and we wondered if this was set in the past or current day time, given what the character is doing


164
PB
X

Ultimately this one read a bit too much like the Napping House and the ending didn’t have a true result that was much different from the beginning. However,  this topic does deserve its own book. To make this more worthwhile, it could stand to be more factual versus “inspired” by one small event as a creative nonfiction piece.


166
YA

X*
Small little breaks in the nemesis voice. Watch for this.


167
PB
X

Ultimately, this just felt more repetitive than going somewhere. It wasn’t clear why this mattered despite the cute character.


168
PB
X

Ultimately we weren’t drawn in by the storyline. While sweet and charming, it just didn’t resonate with this pooch. Try again with a different work.


171
PB
X

The conclusion doesn’t feel motivated, given all that the MC has done that seems mean. The theme however is admirable; we just wished the pooch could have been convinced by the outcome. Think story arc: obstacles of increasing difficulty, climax, and clever resolution to help this along.


172
PB





173
MG

X*
Unclear what the MC is apprehensive about.  Clarify so we know what to be apprehensive about as readers.


174
PB
X

This has a certain charm to it, but the story feels too light for a PB. Consider an ER format with these two characters.


177
PB
X

Unfortunately, this just felt like a repetitive series of stanzas and didn’t quite build up to anything more involving than the first page. Consider story arc when writing any great PB story. Rising action, climax, etc.


180
PB
X

Unfortunately, this just didn’t take it far enough in a different direction than the original. Look at other fractured fairy tales as examples of how far you may need to go to be commercially successful with something like this.


183
MG

X



187
MG

X
Make sure you send in the full 250 words when you send pages after page 1 in the manuscript.


188
PB

X
Cute but is there a theme? A so-what? We hope so.


190
PB





191
YA





196
PB

X*
 This is starting to feel a bit too predictable or not distinctive enough.  How can you modify this so that certain details make this character irresistable?


197
PB
X

Ultimately, the pooch did not connect wit the premise. Why does this matter? What is this about? A beautiful journey is great, but the question is why must a pup get on board?


201
CB
X

This one feels a bit too hard to place in the marketplace when the pooch thinks about it. A lot of the professional concepts seems a bit out of reach for even the chapter book crowd. There’s more adult humor to this than you would think. Consider modifying the MC’s profession to something children understand a lot more readily.


203
PB





204
MG

X*
This is so bizarre. One more page, the naming of people and things is irritatingly repetitive. Kissy’s paw is shaking.


205
MG















206
YA
X

This beginning feels like it’s trying a bit too hard. The opening lines quickly become something much more grave that there doesn’t seem to be the right context to motivate the character to think those lines, given the situation. Feels a bit too forced?


207
MG

X



208
PB

X*
This feels like it might be slight overall, but we will see how this goes.


209
MG

X



210
PB

X*
I’ll see where this goes because of the child-like qualities of the characters, charm, but this seems very short storyish


211
ER

X*
While the sentence length feels like an ER, the word choice seems off. The character seems unique though so we will see where this goes. It has charm


212
PB

X
Not sure if this premise is gonna work, but you made the pooch chuckle.


213
MG

X
Unclear who this is narrated by and why he/she would see this


214
MG

X*
Be careful of stereotypical mom types showing up within the first few lines of a manuscript. Doesn’t come off as origjnal


215
PB
X

The opening here feels very plain and not particularly unique in terms of what’s happening. Get your story off to a stronger start!


216
PB
X

Could not connect with  the premise. Please try a different work.


217
PB
X

See comments from previous rounds about imagination as the premise /coupled with an everyday scene.


218
PB
X

The opening here just didn’t have the spark we are looking for. This feels a bit too everydayish as written.


219
YA

X*
Watch spelling and punctuation. Set the scene a bit better. A bit hard to picture


220
MG
X

Characterization here feels very forced as an opener, and collectively reads a bit too unappealing


221
PB

X*
Unclear what the MC is doing, but interesting setup


222
CB
X

This reads a bit sparse in content for a chapter book. Is this the right format for your story?


223
CB
X

This also reads a bit too simplistically for a chapter book in terms of style.


224
PB
X

Couldn’t connect with the premise very readily


225
PB

X*
The topic is interesting but the story itself seems a little complex for a PB, but we will see where this goes


226
PB
X

I think the challenge here would be to take the everyday-ness out of this and see if the parental figure can be eliminated altogether. Right now Mommy is upstaging the main character


227
PB
X

The topic is good, but the execution in these opening lines feels too commonplace. See how you can make this story feel much larger than life as a fiction PB


228
PB

X*
This feels somewhat repetitive with each sequence but we want to see where this goes


229
PB
X

This sample is not 125 words, also it is opening up with a simple, everydayish scenario. Next time, please submit the full 125 words.


230


X



231


X
Isn’t one of those items a death sentence for a pooch? Kissy is worried for the MC. Biting his nails over here.


232
PB
X

This reads a bit too mature in style and content for a picture book audience. Also an everydayish, short story kind of opening. Consider longer work?


233
PB

X*
Premise feels a bit odd, but let’s see where this goes


234
MG

X



235
CB

X
Some of the logic doesn’t quite flow from sentence to sentence. Smooth out


236
PB

X*
This is wordy in style for a PB, but more importantly, what is the significance of the premise? Unclear. We’ll see where this goes, but the subject matter feels a bit hard to connect with


237
PB
X

This reads like a story written for an older audience, given the complexity. CB age at least?


238
PB

X*
This one is a little off the wall, but we’ll see where this goes. Off the wall and perhaps educational could work. Hope this has substance.


239
YA

X*
I’d change out the grotesque detail. Some editors and agents won’t be able to stomach this. Pick unique, but this one seems to pushes the limits a bit much and makes the character seem unlikeable.


240
PB
X

Couldn’t connect with the premise. Consider the kindergarten audience. And the use of a certain word multiple times makes this difficult as a readaloud to a kindergarten class. Watch word choice.


241
PB
X

Fun, but the elements felt a bit too disparate (loose). Also what’s at stake and why does it matter to your audience?


242
PB
X

The species of the animals and the situation didn’t feel compelling enough, especially when the main character is coming off as unlikeable. Also, how can you spin this so that children can relate a bit more to the problems presented here.


243
PB
X

This would be hard to follow for a typical PB audience. Consider simplifying or using a format meant for older readers.


244
PB
X

This was too hard to follow as written in manuscript form.


245
MG

X



246
PB
X

The topic is interesting but the execution is a bit hard to follow. Think about how this will sound when readaloud, too. Fill in the blanks a bit more. And try to use examples many kids wil connect with


247
PB
X

The major elements felt too loose, making the story feel a bit random. Consider species of animal and location


248
PB

X*
 This seems intriguing ,but we hope this doesn’t read like a punchline. Let’s see where this goes


249
PB
X

Could not connect with  the premise. Please try a different work.


250
PB
X

Sounds like it could be a great historical fiction topic, but the opening here felt a bit too off that particular mark. Would consider reworking the opening so it’s clearer why this book is important


251
MG

X
But kissy does prefer bacon.


252
PB
X

Unfortunately, the topic just feels like it lacks substance and there didn’t seem to be a real rhyme and reason to how the story flowed. It felt like a collection of descriptors about the same thing, which makes it more repetitive than a story that is building toward a great climax.


253
PB

X*
Relatable premise, but what is motivating the choice of species? Is this a loose detail or could it be even tighter? Regardless, we will see where this goes


254
PB

X



255
PB

X*
It seems weird that the animal species does not already have what he wants, given his species, a known scavenger. Can you motivate your animal species a bit better?  We’ll see where this goes, though we worry if this will have enough substance to it. Also, please have the parental figure take more of a backseat if you can.


256
PB

X*
This idea seems to encourage the opposite of what parents want children to do, a bit troubling but we’re curious to see what happens next anyway


257
PB
X

Fun rhyme, but how would the MC’s actions actually cause what follows? Can you find a better way to instigate a true mixup?


258
PB
X

Didn’t connect with the premise. Please try a different work.


259
PB
X

See comments about every-dayish scenes with a typical parental figure in the first few lines. This reads too much like other manuscripts.


260
PB
X

This opening is weighted toward the parents versus the main character. Consider reversing


261
PB
X

Great topic but see 259 comments. Take the same idea and make it larger than life to up your chances. Also consider leaving out the age fo the main character in this case so this becomes more universal.


262
PB

X*
This Is a great topic, rarely addressed but sorely needed. Could be appealing to certain publshers. Let’s see where this goes


263
PB
X

This feels more like a short story – very realistic, parental figure within the first few lines. Gotta find a way to make PB stories compelling to grab the industry’s attention.


264
CB

X*
This reads more like an MG, in these opening lines


265
YA

X
Disturbing, but let’s see where this goes


266
PB
X

This is kind of a let down when you realize it’s just a kids’ imagination. See previous round notes about imagination in PBs and how that can harm your idea more than help if not done in a unique way.


267
PB

X
Interesting way to execute this. Let’s hope there’s a good twist.


268
PB

X*
This is cute, but we are hoping this has lots of educatonal value, emotional value and/or social value to carry a PB.


269
PB
X

This one reads very short-story like in style with all the description and the everyday quality to it, as though it might be something you might see in real life.  See other comments about this in terms of PB. While well-written, it doesn’t fit the format as much as the pooch prefers

 

270
MG

X



271
MG

X












272
PB
X

Even though is not an everyday setting, what is happening still reads like a typical scene in any household. For a setting like this, there’s so much more you can do with this! But make sure your premise is important enough first


273
PB
X

Couldn’t follow the story well. Be careful how you’re using art notes. The story still needs to be understandable when read aloud.


274
CB
X

This opening is a bit disjointed. See if you can tell it a bit more linearly – in order of the actual events might help this get off to a better start. It’s odd to be suddenly thrust into the scene after some introspection about the past and then the present.