Cynthea Liu's Blog, page 8

RLGL: Round 2 COMPLETE, Round 3 deadline Wed. Mar. 12, 8pm CST

NEW ENTRANTS: Wanna play? Read the rules here. You may enter at any time.

EVERYONE: Round 3 officially closes on Wednesday, March 12, 8pm CST. Submissions received after this deadline will roll into Round 4.

UPDATE: We have two Free-tique winners! Winners, do not contact Kissy until RLGL is completely over. We will let you know what to do when we come up for air. PB entries are no longer eligible to win a free-tique, however, an agent referral is always a possibility if Kissy sniffs out something he think might interest Jen. You may still continue to enter PB manuscripts while RLGL continues and receive feedback. 

There was a very large number of entries in Round 2. Kissy’s paws are pooped from all the typing. You may have noticed all the typos in his notes. His bright and happy eyes have become squinty little furry slits. His mood is worsening, and he fears he may be morphing into an actual human slush-pile editor. If you want to keep his spirits up, please be sure to follow the rules when it comes to subject lines, email addresses, word counts, etc.  Also, more virtual bacon helps. He has been enjoying all the bellyrubs and scritches behind the ears, too.

If you are submitting the successive page in the work  (e.g. P2, P3, etc.), please make sure you include the entry # assigned to that work in the subject line (see rules). Failure to do so will delay your results and cause your work to miss rounds.

Do not send submissions  for Kissy’s review to Cynthea’s email address, unless you are inquiring about an issue. The sub address listed in the rules is the ONLY email address for submissions to RLGL for Kissy’s review. If you fail to send it there, it will not get reviewed in the correct order for the round. In fact, you will probably miss the round if it does not make it to that address in time for the deadlines. *Please use Cynthea’s email address only for follow-ups if you believe something went wrong with your submission and you did, in fact, follow the rules! *

You do NOT need to include previous text with your pages. Kissy has a great memory and this slows him down when trying to find his place. And we don’t want to slow this pup down!

If you receive a number for Round 2,  please wait for results to post and wait until they are COMPLETE before inquiring about it. This helps us a lot!

#             Format      Back to Start  Next page       Notes

0
MG

X
Not bad. Be careful of painting bullies as stereotypical bullies. I don’t want to feel like I’ve seen this before.


1
MG

X*
This isn’t a super engaging opening but so far we can understand what’s happening on the page, which says a lot. We hope something interesting is going to take place or be presented in this next page.


2
YA
X

Unfortunately, I couldn’t quite follow what was happening because of the way the story navigates from past to present, etc. Awkward. Streamline the telling


3
PB
X

Not feeling captivated by this one. The story feels like a folktale (not a bad thing), but the length and the content makes this one difficult to place in the major trade market.


4
YA

X*
Not understanding what the setup is – why the MC is in the predicament she is in. It’s a bit too mysterious. The pooch will give it another page, but hanging by a piece of stringy bacon here.


5
MG
X

Unclear here what is going on. Slow down and explain better what the parents do for a living and what it has to do with the mystical references.


6
PB
X

This read like a punchline in the end. Go for a concept with more heart/substance. More marketing value (e.g. emotional value, social value and/or educational value.)


7
PB
X

This is a lot of fun but I wondered if this could be even better if you made this an early reader and changed up the characters to animals, just to make this way more marketable. This is a bit dialogue-y for a picture book and somewhat complex as well, but for an older reader as a ;eveled reader, it could be a good fit.


9
MG

X



10
PB
X

in the end, this feels too complex and wordy for a PB text. Cut back on the chatter and narrate only the important parts.


11
PB

X*
So this is turning out to be something a little bit different. But be mindful of overdoing the puns. It gets distracting and sounds like noise after a while. Choose your moments.  Curious to see what happens next


12
PB





13
YA
X

Unfortunately, it was hard to believe that after  something this tragic has happened, the main character shows no sign of it. Motivate her thoughts better or explain why she’s not completely messed up. The MC’s thoughts just seems too put together, given the situation


16
PB





22
PB
X

Unfortunately, this ends with little effort from the MC. The ending felt very pat. Also the story arc was a bit too flat as well.


24
PB

X*
This still reads a bit older for the audience. Simplify the text. Shortening it in general and making it snappier with the voice of a younger child will really help. It’s very cute.


26
MG
X

This page was a bit hard to follow, wasn’t sure what was going on and why. Also, in the end, we just weren’t drawn in by the species themselves and what they may be trying to accomplish, since that wasn’t super clear.


27
PB
X




28
PB

X
FREE-TIQUE WINNER!  I think this has potential. Let’s think about ways to make this even more worthy and rejection-proof.  CONGRATS!


30
YA

X
Wondering if the present tense for this book is a bit awkward.


35
PB
X

The nunber of puns in this one is a bit too much. It’s reading unnaturally and getting bogged down by them. Gain more control over the humor.


38
YA

X*
This is overwritten in spots. Don’t try too hard for simple details that are not critical. Diffuses the reader’s focus. Kissy is this close to giving this the paw because 1/4 of the time he didn’t understand what the MC was talking about and how to picture it in his canine head.


39
YA
X

The character is really a bit too down on herself, which makes her less appealing to read about.  This is an easy fix though – establish her character in fewer lines and move on to the actual plotting. The pace is already flagging because there’s so much repetition of the same idea about the character and how she views herself.


40
YA





41
PB
X

In the end this was just too long for a picture book and it seemed too similar to the movie about similar topic.


42
YA





43
ER

X*
Now we can kind of see how this could be an ER. But this needs to read more like an ER, with more attention to word choice, sentnece structure, etc. Let’s see what happens


44
YA
X

Kissy is scratching his head over here. There’s not enough context to understand what is motivating the character’s thoughts and actions so in the end the pup was just plain lost as to what she was doing and why.


45
MG

X
Nice save! Is this a real thing though? Specify state.


50
PB





52
PB
X

In the end, the style was very wordy for a picture book. Might be totally fine for a short story, but it’s really imporant to leave room for the illustrator. Also this felt every-dayish as well and perhaps not enough to carry a picture book as written.


54
PB

X
Feels a bit too literal? But curious to see how this ends


55
YA
X

This opening scene doesn’t feel distintive enough. What’s unique about the MC’s situation that feels different than typical bullying scenarios.


56
MG





57
MG

X*
Can we make this sound more mysterious? She’s acting as though she hasn’t found the coolest thing ever! Is she really into what’s happening or not? She seems so casual about it.


58
PB
X

We’ve seen this cumulative story structure done many times, so it’s imperative that you build a story arc with each sequence. As it stands, the only thing that feels truly unique about this cumulative PB is the kind of animals used, but let’s get some real plot going with this cumulative structure and see what you can do with it.


59
MG





61
PB
X

Unfortunately, we weren’t captivated. While the humor is nice, the species of animal and what was at stake just didn’t feel compelling enough.


62
YA

X*
We’ll hang on and see what this is leading up to…


63
YA





65
MG

X
Unclear why the MC feels things have changed significantly for herself (old versus new). Establish


66
MG





68
YA
X

Unfortunately, it was just too hard to understand what was going on and why. So much was left unanswered as the character went about her business. Should be easy to fix though. Story seems intriguing if the pup only knew what was going on.


69
PB
X

This feels more like a poem, than a picture book in verse. Hmm.. What’s the story?


70
PB
X

In the end, this just felt too complicated for a PB text. We got lost in the story and it’s point after all this text.


72
MG





76
YA

X*
This is a bit confusing. The character’s background and what is motivating the character right now to do what he’s doing? We need more context or you will lose us entirely.


77
MG





80
MG
X

Chapter 1 feels more like a scene than a true chapter and then it switches abruptly to backstory in Chapter two. I would smooth this out. Very jarring. Set-up the present story a bit more before you go back in time, if it’s even necessary to do it this way.


81
PB
X

This is an interesting idea, but it’s just too wordy as a picture book for this pooch. See how you cut this down to half its size. We do like the concept though.


85
MG

X*
Explain this contest a little better? Still don’t fully understand what/why it’s so important to the town


87
PB
X

Unfortunately, this premise felt a bit too odd for kissy’s taste. But points for originality. We just wished we felt pulled in more.  What if you thought about bringing actual children into this story and telling it from their POV. Show us why we should care so the reader can connect better. This could have  Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs-classic feel to it. But we’re missing the kid element.


90
CB

X
Let’s see where this goes …


91
MG

X
The same idea is repeated several times in these opening pages. Progress the story forward without too much hashing and rehashing. Easy fix


92
YA

X*
She seems a bit too self aware after what she just experienced the night before. That’s some pretty hard stuff and she’s so clearheaded about it. Hmm.


93
YA
X

This felt a bit too melodramatic. Scale back. This might work well for TV, but in books, usually you’ve got to tone it back a notch because it almost always reads way more dramatic in someone’s head than how it looks when seen on TV. Don’t ask the pooch why that is.  Weird human psychology


96
YA

X*
Be sure to set the characters early on. Can’t tell where they are really. Hoping something interesting takes place or this one’s getting the paw.


97
MG

X*
I’d shorten the monologue and get on with it.


98
PB
X

In the end, this was just too long and every-dayish for a PB text. Reads more like a short story.


99
PB
X

While this is cute, the text felt too wordy and long, given that it’s a picture book. Also, it’s not clear why this matters so much to the MC.


100
PB
X

The subject matter seems great. However the writing is very short-story like, which can be hard for picture books. Really see if you can cut this in half and add more spark to the writing. Not everything has to be on the page; it also slows your pacing.


104
PB
X

This didn’t feel fully developed. It lacked conflict and as a result, the ending came abruptly and was resolved with little effort.


105
PB





106
PB
X

This has got lots of potential in terms of educational value but what about entertainment value? After a while it gets really repetitive. Build a story arc with this concept using some key animals that all do this activity, and this could be a real winner! Make the story go somewhere, versus repeat itself a bit too much


107
MG
X

Still have no idea what’s going through this kid’s mind and what he plans to do. Let me inside his head a bit more so we’re not lost as to what this story may be about.


109
PB


FREE-TIQUE WINNER!  I think this has potential. Let’s think about ways to make this even more worthy and rejection-proof.  CONGRATS!


112
YA





116
YA





119
MG

X*
Still not sure what’s going on. Hmm, better find out quick. Also, watch one of the character’s actions. Flipping the bird in MG is a bit much. Not really necessary and a turn-off for school/library market.


121
YA

X*
Kind of a slow start, pacing might be slow in this one. Let’s see…

 

125
YA

X*
Kissy is so close to giving this the paw. Watch for overwriting. We got lost in this paragraph trying to remember what “it” was referring to in each sentence and wondering if there was a cleare, more straightforward way to say the same thing. It sounds like what we are talking about is a straight-up natural phenomenon. But as written it sounds much more complicated than necessary, for the sake of writing.


126
PB
X

While we are not creative nonfiction experts, we feel there may have been too many liberties taken with the actual person’s life in some of the stanzas. However certain parts of this seem workable, when it comes to education value.


127
PB
X

Could not connect with the premise. Story feels slight? Can’t really tell what this is about exactly and why it might be important. In this many words, it should be a bit more evident by now.


128
MG

X*
This opening line feels forced, especially when reading what follows. I’d rework these opening lines. But let’s see what happens next.


129
YA

X*
Beginning the opening for this long in 2nd person feels a bit awkward, but let’s see where this goes.


130
PB
X

Could not connect with the premise. And holiday picture books can be tough so they really have to stand out as being truly about the holiday, or you might want to reconsider the execution altogether if the theme strays too far from  this holiday’s traditions.


131
PB
X

This is such an odd premise that the pooch didn’t quite know what to do about it, except to give it the paw. While fun to picture, what exactly is this story about and why does it matter?


132
PB
X

Unfortunately, this is another manuscript that feels like an everyday kind of story. It seems like it would make a fine short story for other markets, but we wonder if the idea can carry a picture book for the major trade market.  It also feels like it might be too long and wordy for a typical contemporary picture book.


133
PB
X

This is another picture book idea that takes everyday life and sprinkles a kids’ imagination in. Unfortunately, this is a common approach writers are taking to picture book writing, which rarely stands out as being unique. Instead, identify the theme of your story and use a larger than life way of telling it.


134
MG

X*
Interesting premise, however, there’s some awkwardness with the dialogue and physical action, and puncutation. Be mindful of this because Kissy would give this the paw if he really felt like being a stickler today. Fortunately, he just ate bacon so he’s in a good mood.


135
PB

X*
I like the contrast and compare thing going on here, and I’m a bit curious, BUT this started out a bit confusing when I was expecting to follow the rhythm of the nursery rhyme and that didn’t happen. Rework the opening.


136
YA
X

Unfortunately, this felt overwritten and forced throughout. Don’t try this hard to grab the reader’s attention. Sometimes the simplest of beginnings in the most natural of places is the way to go. This start just feels a bit too melodramatic?


137
MG

X*
This opening also feels a bit like it’s trying too hard to impress. Simplify parts so the focus is on the details you want the reader to notice. Versus putting such great focus on every detail such that the focus becomes diffused altogether and we forget what we’re reading about.  In other words, pick your moments to show your writing prowess. The title of this work could also stand to be a lot stronger.












138
PB
X

Holiday picture books are tough, but can be great with the right premise and unique execution. Here the situation seemed a bit too commonplace/ everydayish. Go bigger with a picture book manuscripts, written for major trade publishers.


139
PB
X

Great premise, but the execution is not unique unfortunately. Think more outside of the box. We’ve seen many manuscripts with this premise and this manuscript blends in with all the others. See other notes about striving for unique exeuction when doing a common premise that has merit. Trying to avoid very every-dayish content in picture books addressing this topic. GO bigger. More imaginative and not something you might actually see in real life. Fictioanlize it even more!


140
PB
X

Overall, this felt a bit too loose. While educational, it almost seemed like the educational part was sticking out more than it should. A bit forced. Also consider using more appealing characters that children might be able to relate to more. It’s hard to do picture books where the main characters are personifications.  Good topic though.


141
MG
X

Within the first few lines, there is a strong echo with the word “much,” which make Kissy wonder if more editing needs to be applied to this work. Make sure your opening page and your sample is fixed of things like this prior to submitting. See Revision 9-1-1, the article on basic mechanics on www.wfcat.com This will reallly help things like this from tripping up your work.


142
PB
X

This feels much too descriptive in style for a majotr trade picture book.  While this may be perfectly fine for a short story, in picture book manuscripts, the author needs to allow the illustrator to come up with a lot of the visual details. This also makes me wonder if this story may be longer than necessary as a PB manuscript.


143
YA
X

I hope others are reading this, because it seems like half of the novels Kissy has received begin with a character waking up. Or being trapped somewhere. Also, YA fantasy openings tend to be overwritten. Resist detailing every minor movement to the point that it either feels overdramatic. This also makes it difficult to understand because there is so much minutia being relayed in a short span. Circle every action or verb in these 125 words and you will see what the pooch means. This is all easily fixable, however, so do not be disheartened. Awareness is half the battle.


144
PB
X

There is some charm to this, but it’s hard to tell in these opening lines why this matters. Is this PB story slight? Or is there a great theme to this one? It’s not feeling like it should be taken very seriously. Perhaps, shortening your opener and getting to the point faster will help. Pick details that will later impact the story, that will hint more clearly the reasons why readers should relate to this character’s dilemma


145
PB
X

Could not follow what was happening and what this story is about.  The title also feels very hard to relate to … It leaves Kissy with a filling of “say what?” versus “Oh boy!”


146
PB
X

This is cute, but somewhat predictable and also feels older for the picture book audience, given what the main character is doing. Can  you age this down and try the same idea and make it less predictable? Think on this.


147
YA

X*
This feels more like MG as an opening. Also do not forget to set the room a bit more. Hard to picture.


148
PB
X

Unfortunately, Kissy is not into the occupation of the characters.  And for this reason alone, he gave it to the paw. We’re sorry, but do try again with a different work.


149
PB
X

Like the idea of this, but the execution still feels like something we might see in a typical day with a typical household. Every-dayish. Go farther to fictionalize this in every way so that this story can demand the attention required as a major trade publisher PB.


150
MG

X*
As an opener, it could be strenghthened quite a bit. However, the writing was clear and we got a good sense of character and setting, just wished the opening in general was more interesting. We hope the next page does it.


151
MG

X*
A bit circular in logic. I would clean this up and make it easier to understand so that we get a better sense of where the character is, relative to everything else. The tense is awkward.












152
PB
X

Unfortunately, let’s  see a less every-dayish execution of this premise. There are already entrants in this contest alone with this subject matter, with the same issue. While the song is cute, you must find ways to really go outside the box and make this subject feel unique. Fictionalize this even more into something we might not see everyday.


153
PB

X*
This is clever, but also somewhat hard to picture how the art would be done. At the same time, we are going to read on and see if the story holds up. Personification is also a tough sell so this makes us wonder if there is a better way to approach the same concept.


154
MG

X



155
PB

X*
This topic seems narrow. Would encourage you to take this idea further though.  Really, this should just get the paw for such a narrow topic. But there’s promise here in the writing so let’s find out what happens anyway.


156
PB
X

Like how true to life this is, however, it’s not feeling like a big picture book story. For this reason, because it feels so every-dayish/slice of life, it’s getting the paw. However, you might want to consider tackling chapter books or longer works because the style and content here is very promising if you had a character who was just right for those formats.  If you want to stay with this topic, find a bigger, more fictionalized way to execute the idea.


157
MG

X



158
PB
X

Some of the dialogue doesn’t quite follow what was said before. It’s hard to understand what is meant by some of the lines and why it matters. Overall the concept  feels too loose, and I wondered if there was a way to get this to jive a bit better.


159
PB
X

The storyline feels slight overall. Why does this matter? Is there enough here in the end to carry a picture book? That has to be pretty evident from the first half-page.


160
PB

X*
Some version of this could really work, but we are hoping there’s a strong story arc to this. It’s unclear who the character really is and from what point they began. Setup the story a bit better.


161
MG

X*
The opening feels a bit forced. How it jumps from one thing to the next, and ultimately lands on the main character’s genetic condition. A bit odd. I’d rework this opening.


162
PB
X

See previous comments about other manuscripts that address the topic of imagination. This, like the others, all sound like each other. Can you find a more unique way to go about the idea so that the imagination in itself stands alone as a story?


163
CB

X
This sounds more like straight-up MG though.


164
PB

X*
To what extent has this been fictionalized? It seems like it might be taking too many liberties as creative nonfiction. However the topic is awesome, if you have actual facts that back up what is happening specifically in the story. If not, consider writing a story about this topic that doesn’t take as many liberties.


165
PB
X

This story just doesn’t stand out as well as it could. It lacks spark as an opening. The writing and the storyline feels somewhat predictable. See if you can compare this opening to commercially successful picture books featuring animals as main characters – can you detect a difference in energy, intrigue, suspense?


166
YA

X*
This is somewhat overwritten, but still understandable. Phew. Watch for awkward sentences that read unnaturally. Sometimes just being clear, versus “elusive” for effect, is better as an opener.


167
PB

X*
Cute idea for this character, but we want to know why this matters? What’s at stake for this little guy if he doesn’t conform? Also try to shorten this more, it sometimes reads a bit digressive for a PB.


168
PB

X*
There’s a certain charm to this, but we are left wondering, why does this matter? Why should the reader care and want to know what happens? Kissy hopes this story has some real meat (bacon) to it.


169
PB
X

Premise feels unimportant. Can this story carry a picture book? What’s at stake? Why does this matter to the reader, parents, teachers, and librarians? If that’s not clear up front, it will come off as a nice story, but you gotta grab that editor’s attention if they are going to invest thousands and thousands into your book.


170
PB
X

While this is fun, see 169.


171
PB

X*
This is a bit odd and fun, so we’ll see what happens next. Watch the stanzas that don’t completely rhyme though.


172
PB

X*
Watch how easy, or not so easy, some of this is to understand for a five year old kindergartner. You might also want to hint at what is to come in these opening lines so we understand what’s at stake for the story.


173
MG

X*
Some attention is being paid to details that don’t matter. So make every word count. Also watch for repetitive actions is a short span. Minor


174
PB

X
This is super-cute. I hope the theme of this story gets executed well. Because this is a good example of being inventive with a common premise.


175
PB
X

This story feels very every-dayish for a PB manuscript. What is the theme of this story? Can you fictionalize this more? What’s at stake? What’s important here that will make a reader, parent, librarian, and/or teacher feel like THIS book is something they will pay $17 for.  This is what you need to convince the agent and editor of.


176
PB
X

Unfortunately, this sounds like a lot of other manuscripts, even though it may not be. Your opening lines must establish that this story is truly unique, even if the premise is not.


177
PB

X*
What is the rhyme and reason to how this story is laid out? It feels a bit random, the order of things. We hope this has some sort of narrative to it. Let’s see where this goes.


178
PB
X

Unfortunately, the every-dayish, true-to-life telling does not help make this manuscript seem unique. A common premise with a fairly common opening. How can you make this story feel larger than life, versus like real life? PB manuscripts demand inventive stories that you won’t find everyday.


179
PB
X

This, too, feels much more short-story-like than picture book like. In other words, if you can conceive of seeing this on an ordinary day in the park yourself, chances are your story won’t stand out. Your opening needs to feel larger than life, versus like real life.


180
PB

X*
Gotta be careful with this premise since it’s been spun off before. I’d like to see where this goes. Is it different enough? Are we bringing anything truly unique to the table here with an old tale?


181
PB
X

Unfortunately, this one seems to be taking the long route to get to the heart of the story. What’s at stake, why does it matter to your audience? Right now, it’s just not pulling the pooch in.

 

182
PB
X

This is cute, and I think you could do something with this. But as it stands, it just reads a bit flat and wordy. Can you make this opening more exciting? Either in style or in content. It needs to grab this pooch’s attention.Woof!


183
MG

X*
Slow down and set the characters a bit better.


184
PB
X

Couldn’t follow what was happening in the text. Seems very loosely plotted and random? What is this book about? Is the story beefy enough? Or slight? Can’t tell.


185
PB
X

This could be something pretty neat but then it gets sidetracked a little and I wonder if you could make the educational angle more pronounced while still being an inventive narrative. Concept stories like this one still need a plot to me.  Look at Rhyming Dust Bunnies as an example of a concept book that has a story arc but does a great job of educating at the same time.


186
PB
X

This was a bit too graphic for Kissy’s taste and as a picture book, it may be a bit challenging to illustrate without going over the line for this pooch.


187
MG

X



188
PB

X



189
PB
X

The rhyme didn’t scan well enough for this pup.


190
PB

X



191
YA

X*
This opening is a bit awkward. Forced details in here, and some weak logic in the writing. Easily fixable but keep an eye out for jackhammering in details that don’t fit the context of the forward narrative.


192
PB
X

Too difficult to picture what might be in page turn with the text. Interesting idea, but flesh this out more. And see if you can make it sound less “dark.”


193
PB
X

Another manuscript that reads more like a short story than a PB text. See Revision 9-1-1 for Picture books on www.wfcat.cpm


194
PB
X

Another manuscript featuring imagination but still more true to life than a fiction picture book would be. See other comments about this.


195
PB
X

Not sure what to make of this, it feels a bit flat overall, like reporterly versus creative nonfiction. I would work on stylizing this a bit more? And see if you can rework the opening so that it doesn’t feel like a rundown from birth to death?


196
PB

X



197
PB

X*
Not sure where this is headed, but let’s see if it’s got some meat to it.


198
PB
X

The pooch is missing the point of this one. It feels very loose and a bit random, given the main characters.


199
PB
X

This, too, feels, a bit loose. Random elements all put together. Gotta make the manuscript feel tighter/more cohesive. And watch out for every-day like openings.


200
PB
X

It’s uncanny how similar this story is to another that the pup just gnawed on. Once more, this premise is very common. This execution is very common. Gotta think outside of the box and stay away from writing PB manuscripts that sound too much like something that could actually happen.  Also writing about someone’s imagination is not as imaginative as writing something that sounds completely imagined. There’s a difference. Food for thought.


201
CB

X*
I’m going to put this in the CB category, it reads too old as a standard PB, but fits the CB audience age well, even if it’s completely graphic.


202
PB
X

This started out nicely but quickly became something that sounded just ordinary. And even slight, given what it is that he wants.


203
PB

X*
Rhyming this text helps make this premise a bit more imaginative in execution, however, let’s see if this truly turns out to be something larger than life.


204
MG

X*
Very odd, but we’ll see what happens next. Try to establish more about your MC so we can picture him better.


205
PB
X

Watch for the errant capitalization. And if this PB is what I think it’s about, this is usually not a topic for major trade publishers, in the PB category. This text feels more matureand might be better aimed for an older audience.

RLGL: Round 1 Results COMPLETE

UPDATES (PLEASE READ IN FULL):

If I received your submission by 9AM CST on March 6, your results have been posted. If you did not receive a number and you did turn in your submission to the sub address before the aforementioned deadline, please email me at cynthealiu AT gmail DOT com, and forward your email submission that you sent AND explain what’s wrong.

*Do not send new submissions to Cynthea’s personal email address, only inquiries if something is wrong.*

Round 1 closed at 9AM CST on March 6. Round 2 is open until March 9, 6PM CST.

Results for Round 2 will appear in a new post, not this one. So make sure you are refreshing the home page at www.wfcat.com to see any new posts.

For those of you who submitted after the Round 1 deadline, your submission will be part of Round 2 results. If you are part of Round 2 and have not received a number, that is because Kissy has not assigned it yet. So please DO NOT REPLY to what you already sent, asking about your number because that will change the order in which Kissy reads your email, causing him to miss it for the round you are supposed to be in.

It is so important that you continue to wait until the post says the results are COMPLETE for your round before you email and ask Kissy what when wrong, if you felt something has. To do so prior to the round will really screw up his focus and recordkeeping. So please hold all emails until the round is COMPLETE.

This post on this website will say the word COMPLETE, very clearly in the headline.

Woof!

Also, if you have an * next to your result for your number that means that Kissy’s paw is twitching. He’s tempted to send you back to the starting line to present a different work. So make sure your next page is even better than the last, if you can improve upon it. If no asterisk appears, it means that Kissy wants to see what happens on the next page, but it does NOT mean two paws up, way to go! necessarily.

So keep your eye on the fuzzy tennis ball and do not let your writing or story slip.  No asterisk just means that he will turn the page.

 

RLGL
Format
Back to Start
Send Next Page
Notes


1
MG

X



2
YA

X*
Feels a shade overwritten. Try not to narrate every minor movement to this level of excrutiating detail. Use touches where it’s important.  Forget the rest.


3
PB

X*
Story feels a bit older for the picture book market


4
YA

X



5
MG

X



6
PB

X*
Hoping this will not read like a punch-line


7
PB

X*
Not usual PB fare, this one may be a tough one to market, given the characters, but let’s see where this go. Well-written/vivid.


8
PB
X

Interesting idea, but the MC did not seem compelling to follow. Consider shortening the intro. A bit repetitive.


9
MG

X*
Circle the # of physical actions in this 1/2 page. Give me what’s important. It’s a bit frenetic to read.


10
PB

X*
Seems long and wordy for a PB opening. Hmm…


11
PB

X*
Concerned this premise has been done recently several times, but maybe this one’s execution is even better. Let’s hope!


12
PB

X*
A bit hard to understand for a PB audience, but let’s see where this goes.


13
YA

X*
Not the strongest start for YA in terms of content, but let’s see where this goes.


14
PB
X

It’s not the concept as much as it is the notion that this animal would not eat what she wants so desperately to have, preface this early on if it’s nonsensical for the species so the reading is more comfortable.


15
PB
X

Premise wasn’t right for this pooch, but try again with another story!


16
PB

X



17
PB
X

This reads older in style and age of the MC for PB audience; also need a more compelling opening. This feels a bit every-dayish.


18
PB
X

This would definitely fit chapter book format better for voice and situation, when compared to the typical picture book.


19
PB
X

Premise did not seem appealing for this pooch. Try again with another story!


20
PB
X

Difficult to follow what was happening.


21
PB
X

Concept seems workable, but execution felt flat. Commonplace scenarios in PBs could stand to be more fictionalized to make this more compelling.


22
PB

X



23
PB
X

Premise wasn’t right for this pooch, but try again with another story! Nice humor though


24
PB

X*
Great title but execution feels mature for PB audience. The pooch will give it another page because the concept is great. Let’s see where this goes


25
PB
X

Mixed feelings on this premise. Seemed cute but oddly violent? at the same time. A few tweaks should fix this


26
MG

X*
This seems fun, but the pooch is not that into the species of the MC. However, he is curious to see what happens next.


27
PB

X*
This premise is giving Kissy flashbacks. Slightly concerned that this is reading a bit darker than it should as an opening for a PB.


28
PB

X*
This is probably not every editor’s cup of tea, but we want to see what happens next


29
PB
X

While well-written, for the PB format this reads a bit too much like a longer work, given the narrative style. Also, very every-dayish too, that it doesn’t immediately demand the pooch’s attention


30
YA

X*
A bit confusing which way she’s going, why, and time of day.


31
PB
X

We think we may have seen this one before, but regardless the premise feels every-dayish / like typical from kids and their imaginations versus something that’s fictionalized


32
PB
X

Concept seems too loose, given the species and what they are talking about. Motivate your choice of animal. Also as an opener, this is quite chatty.


33
PB
X

While quite realistic, this felt like a commonplace/veryday situation and doesn’t quite make for a unique and grabbing PB opener.  The style also leans toward something more commonly seen in longer works.


34
PB
X

This was also another PB that opened with a fairly commonplace situation. This could be pushed a lot further to make it standout better among the competition.

 

RLGL
Format
Back to Start
Send Next Page
Notes


35
PB

X*
Feels like the animal species was picked at random, switching up the situations to match the species better would make this a lot stronger. Good PB topic. Let’s see if the next part really comes together.


36
YA
X

Man, Kissy really want to like this more, but because the piece was difficult to comprehend upon first scan and then required another slow re-read to truly understand what was happening, it got sent back to start. Imagine that overworked editor at the desk, wanting to take the next subway home and it’s already 8pm. Make sure your first page is clear. A pooch shouldn’t have to work so hard. Do not sacrifice clarity and story for the sake of the writing.


37
PB
X

Couldn’t quite connect with the premise. And there’s a lot to follow in 125 words.  Concept also feels a bit loose.


38
YA

X



39
YA

X*
This feels like it’s trying a little too hard to establish the character’s distinguishing physical straight.  We could probably get the same idea with only 20% of the words use so we can get to the setup faster. Also if the character sounds a bit hyperfocused in this way, it makes her seem one-dimensional, which I don’t believe is the actual case.


40
YA

X*
Interesting. But watch for things like casting eyes around as if they are being thrown around. Also you have an “eye” echo in the first two lines. Simple fix. But opening lines are important so I’m bringing this up.


41
PB

X*
We have to be careful of always making mom appear so early in a PB if Mom is just going to be standard Mom talking standard Mom-talk – I only say this because it’s tempting to do that when a child has a problem, but it also makes your manuscript start to read like so many manuscripts Kissy gets. So make sure your opening lines don’t sound like everyone else’s if you can help it.


42
YA

X*
There’s some awwkardness in the writing but easily fixed, however if it gets worse, you might get the paw.  So watch your words carefuly. Be careful of narrating every physical action to the point that it feels reportly.


43
ER

X*
This feels like it’s being pitched for the wrong format. PB may be much more suitable. Let’s see what happens next.


44
YA

X*
This feels a bit everywhere-  the disparate elements in such a short span seems a bit hard to put together. However, I will read on to see if it comes together a bit better. This may not be the best opening for your book.


45
MG

X*
Explain why he gets such a special privilege, this better be in the next few lines. Answer questions for the reader when the reader would raise the question if the answer is something the character would know and you’ve setup the proper context to answer it. In other words, don’t frustrate your reader.


46
PB
X

This feels commonplace/ slice of life-ish.  Again, it’s well written for a short story, but for a major trade publisher PB, it needs to really stand out story-wise – illustration-wise. I think the premise is good, but the execution could be re-envisioned to make it much stronger.


47
PB
X

This felt a little old for a picture book, especially if the children are writing such vivid letters. Consider reshaping your character for a longer work.


48
PB
X

Check out other comments about everyday situations and also Mom appearing so early in the manuscript saying Mom-like things. While it’s possible to open a PB this way, it can start to look like everything else quite quickly. This premise is also very common and a good one because children are so like this!, however execution needs to truly be unique to make this stand-out better as a PB manuscript.


49
PB
X

Same comment as 48’s. Except in this case it’s Dad playing standard-Dad. Again, good premise, execution needs to stand-out for this pooch.


50
PB

X



51
PB
X

See comments 48 and 49. Great subject; need unique execution of the subject or this will not demand the pooch’s attention.


52
PB

X*
This seems to take the long route to drive a point home but let’s see what happens next. Will this be more than just a book about what her problem is? Or is there more to this?


53
MG
X

Hard to understand what the set-up or premise might be in this first 1/2 page. Reconsider your opening to draw the pooch in.


54
PB

X*
I would rework the title, interesting concept.

 

55
YA

X*
This reads like MG, versus YA as an opener, but let’s see where this goes


56
MG

X



57
MG

X*
Dialogue feels a bit forced. Considered using interior dialogue instead.


58
PB

X*
Using a common household item to describe where this animal sleeps seems a bit odd. I’d rework? Feels forced in the rhyme.


59
MG

X*
Be careful, feels a shade overwritten which is effecting the story’s ability to get to the point. Tighten


60
PB
X

First 125 words please. Resubmit first 125 words into the next round.


61
PB

X*
Concerned about the premise, but enjoy the humor. Tighten. This is pretty wordy.


62
YA

X*
This feels a bit melodramatic as an opener and is a pretty common kind of beginning. I’d rework your opening lines to make this sound more unique as a story starter


63
YA

X
Watch for the animal-action references – once is fine, twice seems a little odd given the context and location. Minor comment/easy fix.


64
PB
X

Did not know what to make of this. Seems very long for a PB text, given how little was covered in 125 words. Also hard to follow what exactly is important for the story? The writing style seems better suited for a longer work.


65
MG

X*
The first few lines feel tacked on, compared to the rest.


66
MG

X*
Set the main character. A bit confusing to read. A lot being conveyed in 125 words so it’s important to make sure the pooch can picture this better.


67
PB
X

This has potential but doesn’t go far enough to feel like the execution is strong enough. Gotta make the resolution much more clever. We don’t want this to read like a punchline. It needs to have bit more depth as a story.  (Meaning)


68
YA

X*
Definitely rework this opening; there’s so much focus on interior decorating, it breaks character. What is your MC’s true focus as she hears what’s going on? Would she really describe ALL of these things in the way that she has in such a short span, given what is happening at the moment?


69
PB

X



70
PB

X*
Very odd premise, not sure what to make of this, but I’ll see what happens next.


71
PB
X

Could not understand what was happening in the story and what the specific conflict might be for the characters. Kissy is scratching his head over here.


72
MG

X*
The shift in time is a little awkward. Smooth that out or begin where the story truly begins.


73
PB
X

The story didn’t feel compelling enough to keep this pup’s interest. It’s got a very every-dayish kind of feel to it and he wonders what the theme of this book is. Does not feel like it has a strong takeaway, either. PB manuscripts need to stand out to get noticed. Go bigger with your storytelling.


74
PB
X

See 48.


75
PB
X

Could not connect with the premise. Feels slight and punch-liney. Great humor though, just wish the story felt more substantial.


76
YA

X*
This feels overwritten – strive for clarity. The logic is a bit circular and I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to truly gain from these 125 words.


77
MG

X*
See 76.  See if you can keep the time linear in this opening so it’s less confusing. This is in the present, then in the past, this in the present again so quickly.  Jarring


78
PB
X

Execution feels a bit loose. Motivate the circumstances better, explain why your MC has this problem more clearly. And why would the second creature even bother helping. Also be mindful that these creatures aren’t very familiar to the PB audience.


79
PB
X

See 75.


80
YA

X*
Watch the overwriting. Whenever you have inanimate objects performing actions that humans would do, It often sounds awkward, especially if done multiple times in succesion. Simplify the writing for clarity’s sake. Too often writers overwrite their first lines, which gives the feeling of “trying too hard.”


81
PB

X*
This feels very wordy for a PB, but the pooch wants to see what happens next. Tighten the writing.


82
PB
X

See 48. While stories about real-life imaginings are fun, stories that we make up that sound real, given the context of the story, even though we know it has to be made up is “fiction.” This texts reads more like non-fiction about fiction because we could easily do this on our own today as children and parents. But what about the stuff we cannot do as children? What about the characters and situations that are completely made-up that we will not ever see in real-life today? Stories like those stand out better as PB fiction. that’s not to say that this doesn’t have merit, but countless others have written this story in some fashion or another.  In terms of major trade publisher thinking, this is something to consider when compared to your competition.


83
PB
X

Execution feels a bit loose and for this age group, a lot of kiddo’s don’t quite get the kind of place they live in, just yet. However, if you set this up better, it could work.


84
ER
X

This does not fit an ER fomat. e.g. controlled vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. This reads like something from a longer work.


85
MG

X*
Need better context as to what the quest is so I’m not left confused about why this is important to the MC


86
PB
X

Unfortunately, we’ve seen this storyline before multiple times. It’s a good concept, however the execution feel wordy and a bit every-dayish as an opener. Can we find a more zippy and distintive way to write this story?


87
PB

X*
This feels a bit mature and the premise odd, but I’ll see where this goes.


88
YA
X

This seems a bit forced as an opening. What motivates the MC to be awake earlier than usual? To give the writer a chance to layout the setting and see who is coming in? Seems kind of obvious to the point that this doesn’t feel natural. I’d rework the opening so that the character’s and their actions feel much more motivated.


89
PB
X

Didn’t connect with the premise. Also seems to take the long route to get to the potential conflict and why the reader should empathize or care.


90
CB

X*
The first line seems like a bait and switch. Try not to do this. If she doesn’t really have this gift, then don’t give the impression of this on line one, only to make her sound ordinary again a few lines later.












91
MG

X



92
YA

X



93
YA

X*
Feels a shade overwritten. Check out the third line and count the number of words before it gets to the subject and verb of the sentence. Also the shift from present to past to present in three lines feels forced as well. Easy fixes but worth doing if these are your opening lines.


94
PB
X

Could not connect with the premise. Feels a bit uninmportant as an opener. Why does this matter? Why should the reader care? Wish the story felt more substantial in these opening line.


95
PB
X

This reads a bit older for the PB crowd, given the voice of the M.C. Also this feels a bit every-dayish too for a major trade PB.


96
YA

X



97
MG

X



98
PB

X*
Very wordy for a PB and the point is made more than enough. Tighten the writing and increase the pace. Not a lot of plot is covered in these 125 words and it makes me wonder if this one is a bit long overall.


99
PB

X*
Feels a bit wordy so tighten the writing and make the opener sound like something is at stake. It seems like it doesn’t really matter at all. Hmmm… Rework


100
PB

X*
I like this premise, but the execution feels a bit ordinary. How can you make this text more fun to read, zippier? More charming?


101
PB
X

Was not compelled by the premise. A bit too gross for this pup. And the way this presented feels slight?


102
PB
X

Interesting way to use the format, however how can you make this book have more market value? (Emotional value, social value, or educational value) so it does not come off as slight.


103
MG
X

These opening lines are awkward to read, jam-packed with description where inanimate objects are doing all the actions. It isn’t until the next graph that we even see a character appear. Tell more, by describing less. Move the story forward as you “paint” the scene in with setting.  Resist dumping it all in like this in the first few lines.


104
PB

X



105
PB

X*
The rhyme is not coming in as strong as it could, but curious to see where this goes.


106
PB

X*
Watcht the rhyme. A few stumbles.


107
MG

X*
Feel a bit left out of the MC’s head while he’s doing all of these things.


108
PB
X

Don’t quite understand the premise and where this is headed. Title feels a a little old for PB audience too.


109
PB

X*
Wish I understood the significance of each custom as they are addressed. That would improve this story a lot.


110
PB
X

This feels like it should be a longer work, given the style. Also a bit too everydayish for a major trade PB text.


111
PB
X

Didn’t quite follow what was happening until the second read. And even then it seems a bit too loose when put together for this pup. Try a different work!


112
YA

X



113
PB
X

This felt a bit everyday-ish. True to life, but what makes this story truly stand out as a fiction picture book? Can you write this story in a way that moves away from real-life and into larger-than-life PB fiction?


114
PB
X

Rhyme is not quite coming in a as well as it could, but overall, the story felt a bit light in content. Go for bigger purpose/meaning with these characters pr higher educational value to make it more marketable.


115
PB
X

This feels a bit too episodic and  talks about imagination versus being a truly cohesive story in itself. Shark Vs. Train is a good example of imagination in progress with somewhat of a story-line to follow and educational value as well.  It, too, is episodic but use that for a reference when you think about upping the market value of your work.


116
YA

X*
A bit mysterious in an almost frustrating way so I hope this is all explained in the next lines or I will be left with a big, say what?


117
NA
X

The time sequence of these opening lines for the sake of foreshadowing is a bit hard to follow. It goes from present, to referring to the future, back to the present, then a reference to the future, then back to the present, then back to the future then to the past. PHEW. Not worth it. Rethink your opening. Don’t try this hard to compel your reader.


118
PB
X

The premise seems slight, not significant enough to carry a picture book. The opening lines also feel light on story as well.


119
MG

X*
Opening feels a bit rushed. Not sure I understand how everyone relates to another and where the main characters are in relation to everything else.


120
MG
X

The way these opening lines read feels so impersonal and generic. Can we liven up these opening lines? Make this feel more real. Perhaps use names, internal monologue for the main character, etc? Bring me into the story. Resist just reporting the facts.


121
YA

X



122
PB
X

Could not connect with the premise. Feels slight and punch-liney. Needs to have more market value as a major trade PB concept.


123
PB
X

This feels really casual/every-dayish. Is this enough to carry a PB? These opening lines do not feel distinctive enough. Consider the theme of your story and see if there is a way to fictioanlize this even more so that it does not start to read like a lot of other manuscripts Kissy chews on.

 

Important RLGL Update

Wowowow! Kissy has a lot of entries to gnaw on and he thanks you in advance for the glowing compliments. Please don’t hold it against him if he eats your ms.

Hang tight. We will post results gradually as we go through them. Do not email to ask about your result until we declare that all results have been posted. Doing so may subject you to complete elimination since it really screws up our mojo if we spend more time answering emails than reading submissions.

Also, if you miss a deadline, you may submit after the deadline to roll it into the next round. You just cant submit to the round that closed. We’re sorry if we weren’t clear on that. But do not expect a number assignment until after results have been posted for the round you missed.