Debmita Dutta's Blog, page 103

When your teenager asks for space - do this

Your child is a part of you for several months before he is born 
He is then your shadow for several years and does everything to make you happy for the next several years
And then suddenly - this inseparable part of your being says - he wants space.

"What space?" you ask
"How am I supposed to give my child space?"

Yes you need answers to those questions
In fact - those are the questions I am most frequently asked in my workshops and consultations

And I have summarized my recommendations in this video.

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Are doing enough to build your child's sense of humor

Every child is born with a sense of humor
Babies start laughing even if you just start clapping your hands in front of them
But as children become older - busyness and the seriousness of life take over and children stop smiling and laughing
And this is dangerous.
The ability to laugh at the challenges life throws at us, the ability to laugh at your own mistakes, the ability to laugh at problems - is what keeps us afloat when we start to sink in life. And for this we require a good sense of humor.

We must constantly work towards building our children's sense of humor because it is the only weapon we can give them to fight the world with.

Are you building your child's sense of humor?
If you are not - then this video has some tips for you.
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How do I decide which toothbrush is best for my child

The easiest way to prevent cavities is by brushing the teeth well
And the teeth can be brushed well only if you have a good tothbrush

If the variety of toothbrushes available in the market have you confused and wondering which one you should buy for your child - this is the video that will give the answer

Listen to Dr Krishnaraj from Delta Dental Care as he explains which toothbrush is best for your child and why

Why does my child get bullied? How can I stop bullying?

If your child is getting bullied - in the park, in the school bus or at school - you are sure to have a why me moment in which you question why your child gets bullied when there are so many others

It can be very disturbing if your child is the target of a bully or a bunch of bullies - and if you are wondering why they are picking on him - you need to understand that bullies pick on children who feel small.

Bullies pick children with low self-esteem.

Are you shocked to hear that your child has low self-esteem? 

Children often develop low self-esteem and begin to feel small when we constantly criticize everything they do and we constantly compare them with others.

They begin to then feel small.

Even if they are physically big - in their minds they begin to feel small.

And these are the children who bullies are on the look out for.

These are the children they know they will be able to control - because these are the children who are desperate to fit in. These are the children who think being abused and degraded is a way of life.

If you want to keep your child safe from bullies - accept your child for who he is.

Accept him unconditionally.

Tell him that you love him for who he is and not what he does.

Fortify him with your love and acceptance and he will never be picked on by bullies.

Your child does not need to see you happy and smiling all the time

A lot of parents I know - feel compelled to look happy and calm all the time in front of their children.

They feel guilty if they lose their tempers and get angry and upset when their children are around.

But this is a classical example of unnecessary guilt.

Children need to be aware of all kinds of emotions.

A truly emotionally healthy child is one who is familiar with both positive and negative emotions and is able to handle both kinds of emotions when he encounters them in himself and others.

A child who has never seen an adult get angry - may be shattered when his teacher scolds him in school

A child who has never encountered conflict at home may not be able to cope when he has a fight with his friends.

In addition a child who has never been exposed to negative emotions - may experience serious guilt when he himself feels angry or sad or upset because he may feel that he is the only one with these terrible feelings.

As parents we want to give our children the best of everything - but however good positive emotions may look - surrounding children in a non-stop flow of smiles and laughter may be harmful as well

One of the cardinal rules of good parenting is honesty

Be honest with your child. Do not pretend.

Your child needs you - just like you are - with your mix of positive and negative emotions. He does not need the person you are pretending to be. 

Do you eat only after your child eats?

Children who don't eat - often don't eat because they think - eating is something only they are compelled to do.

They don't eat because they don't see anyone eating

They don't eat because they have never seen anyone enjoying food and the eating process

If you eat with enthusiasm when you are hungry - your expressions of pleasure will make your child hungry

If you are hungry - eat.

Do not wait for your child to finish eating before you begin your meal

How does a viral fever get cured with antibiotics?

You know that antibiotics are used to cure bacterial infections
When you take your child to the doctor he says your child has a viral fever and you should just wait and watch.
Then when the fever does not get better after three days and you go back to him - he starts your child on antibiotics and he promptly becomes alright.
And this happens all the time.

Does this then make you wonder how a viral infection can become a bacterial infection?
Does this make you wonder if your doctor is making a wrong diagnosis every time?
Then this is the video you should watch

In this video - Parenting Expert Dr Debmita Dutta tells you how viral infections turn into bacterial infections and why it is important to consult a doctor and follow his advice.
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What Are You Teaching Your Child About FAILURE

What is your Parenting dream?
 
Most parents dream of raising a successful child. Do you?
 
And what is your Parenting nightmare?
 
Most parent’s greatest fear is – that their children will grow into failures. Is it yours?
 
If you are a parent like most others you would probably answer those questions with “Yes”.
 
Dreaming of success is good and also natural. And there is nothing wrong with dreaming of success.
What is wrong and dangerous is – the fear of failure.
 
Why do we fear failure?
 
We fear failure because we believe that failure is the opposite of success. But it is not.
 
Failure is a part of success.
 
It is only when we learn to overcome failure – can we succeed.
 
What does nature want children to learn about failure?
 
Nature teaches us that failure is inevitable. Nature teaches us – that – “The only way to succeed is to overcome failure.”
 
“How to cope with and overcome failure” is the first lesson – nature wants every baby who enters planet earth to learn.
 
And that is why nature makes breast feeding so difficult.
 
Breastfeeding teaches newborns that all achievement lies on the other side of great effort.
 
Breastfeeding teaches babies not to fear failure but to overcome it with determination and hard work.
 
It is nature’s first lesson. It is a lesson essential for survival.  
 
Nature proclaims “You must fail before you succeed”. Parents however – disagree.
 
Failure is socially unacceptable. “Success at any cost” is the modern parent’s motto.
 
And that is why we have formula feeds and feeding bottles.
 
What do parents teach children about failure?
 
Parental teachings about failure differ starkly from nature’s teachings. Parents teach children what they know about failure.
 
“You are worthy of love and respect only if you succeed.”
 
“You must succeed every time - all the time – even if it is the first time you are doing something”
 
“You are successful only when you meet everyone else’s definition of success.”
 
“Success is inconsequential until those around you are convinced that you are successful”
 
“Failure is unacceptable”
 
“If you fail you will be tolerated. If you succeed – you will be revered”
 
What happens when children learn the wrong things about failure?
 
Telling a child that he must always necessarily succeed – is the most effective way to bring up a child who will be a failure.
 
A child who is taught that failure is something to be ashamed of – will start behaving in one of the following ways
 
A: He will begin to hate what he does because Fear of Failure is his prime motivation for learning or working
 
B: He will find excuses not to do things because he fears that if he fails – he will no longer be worthy of love and respect. He will avoid attempting anything in which there is even a remote chance of failing by postponing or not participating. To an observer he will appear lazy – but actually he is demotivated because he is afraid.
 
C: He will begin to focus on excelling where there is no chance of failure. And in many cases he will discover that the easiest way he can ensure success is by doing things which are foolish and risky because there is no competition there. Desperation to succeed at something somewhere – will becoming the driving force – because as he sees it - success is everything
 
Yes failure is painful. But not teaching children how to cope with failure can be even more painful in the long run.
 
Why should children learn the right things about failure?
 
When children learn the right things about failure – failure and disappointment actually become good for them.
 
As loving parents we often go to great lengths to protect our children from disappointment and failure in the early years.
 
We buy them the toy that another kid has. We fight to protect them from playground tiffs. We spring into action if they are left out of birthday parties, if they are not included in playground games, if they are left out of school events etc.
 
We do this without realizing that - introduction to failure early in life is a beautiful thing because – to a small child – no failure is too big.
 
Also with every failure comes the opportunity to realise – “I am strong enough to handle this”
 
Start with your toddler. Every time he/she falls repeat the mantra – “What do we do when we fall – we get up and run again”. It creates a positive state of mind - that ensures easy recovery from failure.
 
How can you teach your child the right things about failure
 
Be a good role model –
 
Acknowledge your mistakes and shortcomings. Live the life of a learner and a conqueror.
 
If you park badly – don’t say “Oh! I just can’t park!” Say – “That is terrible parking. I must practice parking – I must get it right”
 
Make statements like this – part of your daily vocabulary -
 
“I’ll try harder next time”
 
“I have done well this time – but next time I will try to do it even better”
 
“It’s ok not to win all the time – it is most important to have fun”

When things are not going so well at work – take it in your stride. Use it as an opportunity to show your child how to deal with disappointment and failure

Encourage children to embrace difficulty

As loving parents we express our love by making things easy for our children.

But children don’t want that. They want to do what is difficult. They want to attempt and conquer the seemingly impossible

Don’t be over protective. Never assume that your child is shy or weak or anything like that. Introduce new things and emphasize that the idea is to learn and have fun learning – not to become a world champion. Always emphasize effort and improvement. When children are challenged they discover amazing things about their abilities.

“Where is the fun in doing something easy? Let’s try something more difficult.”

Be your child's guide, not his saviour
.
Allow your child to fail.

We always want to protect our kids from unhappiness and so we try our best to protect them from failure. But it’s important to step back and allow children to fail. Swooping in and fixing the problem does not allow children to either learn about failure or how to manage it.

Failure makes children resilient. Little failures and disappointments teach children how they to rebound from failure. The ability to handle failure with positivity ensures persistence. And persistence is the most important ingredient for success.

Empathize with your child. Convey that you feel and understand his pain. But also help him discover what went wrong and why he failed. Help him identify what he could do to ensure a different outcome the next time around. That is what your role in your child’s failures should be.


Always remember – resilience is not an inborn trait.

Resilience is a combination of behaviours, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed. Help your child succeed by helping him develop the resilience to endure and overcome failure.

Make It Easy For Your Child To Say Sorry

​One of the most important and most valuable words in the world is the word “Sorry”

A heartfelt sorry that is accompanied by genuine regret and an accompanying corrective action is one of the most magical ways to mend situations, to preserve relationships and to obtain peace of mind.

And because it such a small word with so much power – it is also the most difficult word to say

Why must children learn how to say “sorry”

When a child learns how to say a genuine sorry, he gains more than a social skill.

Learning to say sorry means learning to consider other people’s feelings, learning to take responsibility for your actions, learning to undo mistakes and learning to avoid making similar future mistakes

Saying sorry is a profound gesture. It is a vital life skill
.
Why is it so difficult to teach children how to say sorry

As parents we instinctively realize the importance of teaching our children the importance of saying sorry.

In situations that demand it - parents are often heard ordering their children to “Say sorry”.

More often than not – this order is met with children either refusing to say sorry or spitting or snarling the word to get it out of the way.

And when this happens - parents feel angry, embarrassed and ashamed.

 All of us want our children to be polite, empathetic compassionate individuals, but we cannot achieve that by ordering them to say sorry.

“Say sorry” – is an order – it doesn’t matter whether the tone used to say it is a coaxing tone or a commanding one.

Being ordered to say sorry is embarrassing, humiliating and degrading. And it sends any empathy or remorse that the child may have felt for doing something wrong – flying out of the window.
With his mistake in the spotlight – the child’s focus shifts to somehow saving face and finding some way to shift the blame instead of taking responsibility for his actions.

And that is why insisting that a child say sorry is never helpful

What should you do when your child makes a mistake

When a child makes a mistake -

First show your child that you are unhappy with his actions.

Then calmly and gracefully explain why the action made you unhappy.

And then brainstorm with your child on ways to set right the mistake.

Allow the word sorry to emerge during this process of realizing that a wrong has been committed that must now be set right.

And once your child has realized his mistake and acknowledged it – forgive him immediately. Let the forgiveness be complete and final.

7 things you can do to make it easier for your child to say sorry

Don’t get angry
It is never a good idea to get angry with a child.
Anger is not a helpful quality. We can express our disappointment in what the child has done or our unhappiness over what he has said – but there is no place for getting angry.
Anger puts children on the defensive.
When you are angry – your child begins to feel like the victim.
He begins to feel sorry for himself instead of for what he has done – and in a situation like that – it makes no sense for him to say sorry to someone else

Don’t label a child “Bad boy” or “Bad girl” when they do something wrong
When we label children like this – we threaten their identity.
They begin to feel that by saying sorry they would be admitting and acknowledging that they are bad people.
It is much better to say “You are such a nice child – but that wasn’t a very nice thing to do – it hurt your friend.”
It is easy to apologize when you feel you are a good person guilty of one wrong action – rather than when you feel that you are a bad person intrinsically.

Never stop speaking to your child
Not speaking makes the child resentful and does not help solve the problem or bring about reconciliation
By talking we create an open and frank atmosphere that helps children realize their mistakes and find ways to undo what they have done wrong

Be careful not to convert “guilt” into “shame”
In your attempt to show your child that he is wrong don’t go overboard and convert guilt about doing something wrong – into shame.
Saying “You should be ashamed of yourself for hitting your friend” generates shame.
On the other hand - saying “When you hit someone it hurts and your friend got hurt” generates guilt about the action taken.
It is easier to apologize when your dignity is intact
Make sure that no apology ever makes your child feel small.
Emphasize that both apologizing and forgiving make us bigger and not smaller in any situation.

When your child realizes his mistake - be swift to forgive and forget.
Forgiveness should always be immediate complete and final.Children begin to think it is pointless to apologize when they realize that they will continue to be reminded of their mistakes in the future
Quick and complete forgiveness teach children how to bounce back after mistakes and move on

Don’t blow mistakes out of proportion and stay angry for long periods
A child who lives a full, busy, adventurous life is sure to make mistakes.
Look at mistakes in the right perspective.
A mistake is never the end of the world. 
It is wrong to start a trend where – ‘getting angry and holding grudges’ becomes a favorite family pastime so that someone or the other is always mad at someone else for some reason.

Set a good example
Be swift to say sorry when you have done something wrong.
Offer heartfelt apologies as a routine – whether it is the household help you need to apologize to or another driver on the road when you are driving
If you refuse to bend and acknowledge mistakes – you may find the same qualities in your child.

If you want your child to learn how to apologize - make forgiveness easy and sweet for him

As you teach your child to apologize – remember also to teach your child to forgive himself for what he has done wrong. 

Don’t make forgiveness so difficult and mistakes so earth shaking that the child becomes afraid of living life to the fullest. Build a life where mistakes are easily and lovingly forgiven and forgotten. That is what makes life worth living.