Roxanne Modafferi's Blog, page 16

new women’s weight divisions in the UFC

Dana White had said there would never be women in the Octagon. Then enter Ronda Rousey. Then the 115 lb division happened. Now he and other men in charge are saying a 125 lb division would deplete 135 and 115. (meaning they are admitting half of those people in those divisions really belong in 125 . yep! But guys, changing weight divisions isn’t like buying a donut or not. It’s years of putting on or losing muscle, having such low body fats our periods stop or our kidneys and livers panic….) Then Mr. White said that the 125 lb div would probably be next. Then they go ahead and make the 145 lb division for Cyborg. What?

Hey, I get it. It’s a business. I’m a HUGE Dana White fan. I don’t believe “he lies,” as someone people are saying. I think plans just change. He’s a great businessman.

However, the excuse about depletion is….well, not true, I think.

If Dana White or Sean Shelby read this, no offense, I love you, you’re my heroes.

my students won at the tourney!! Jamie won UFC, Herbal Papaya’s Blood Formula

I went from seriously bummed out at not competing at the jiujitsu tournament to crying tears of pride and joy when my two students, Jason and Jose, took first place in their very first Brazilian Jiu-jitsu competition!!!!



From day one, they’ve always worked so hard. They listen to my instructions, tried the techniques, aggressively rolled with the other kids (sometimes a little too hard haha), and even took private lessons with me once a week or so. They come almost every day. As a result, they have advanced really fast.

Recently, I finally felt comfortable that they had a good technique base, and felt confident they would go out there and fight well, so we signed them up for the BJJ Tour competition.

It’s just my luck that they had the two going at the same time on mats on the opposite ends of the gym, but out of their 4, I only missed like 30 seconds of one of Jose’s. Thanks to Serena for being there with me and helping coach him. I almost said corner him. haha

Look, Jason looks so small and so cute and SO VICTORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg

They both used the Osoto-gari throws I taught them BEAUTIFULLY. SO beautiful. Eeee! And they went for good positions like side control, trying to pass the guard and half guard. Then when they got mount, they focused on holding it for 3 seconds like I taught them to get the points, and then went for stuff.

Jose went for the arm-bar and got it in his second match. Jason went for a choke and I’m surprised the girl didn’t tap because Jason is a little powerful tank and can squeeze enough to actually make me tap (if I didn’t pull his arms away). They have a good sense of movement. Like when Jason got mount on one of his opponents and she rolled over, he didn’t let his leg get caught and get rolled, too, he kind of hovered and stayed on top as she rolled. I think we practiced that only once or twice, but many of my other students still make mistakes with that. So when she was on her stomach, he went for the Rear Naked Choke.

When she rolled back to her back, he …..I forget…I think he tried pushing his arm into the neck, which I told him not to do because it’s not effective lol, I told him to go for the armbar. But he eventually won on points.

When Jose submitted his opponent, I burst into tears.



I was so proud of him I couldn’t hold in my joy. I blubbered all over their mother and father, hahahaha. We drill that move so much, which is why he got good at it. We also drill chokes. I love chokes so I want all my kids to get good at chokes. I told the kids that, instead of surprise-attacking my neck whenever I bend over (which is annoying and dangerous), I promised that I will ALWAYS let them choke me whenever they want as long as they ask permission first. So every day I hear tons of, “Excuse me, teacher, can I choke you? :D” It’s hilarious. And I don’t mind being choked. Too much…I mean, I’m happy they are happy. Choking is great because it’s a way to make your opponent give up without injuring them by accident, like arm-barring too hard. It’s the gentle way!

rough week, the fire to train, what might come after MMA…?

As a personal rule, I try to never talk about “What I’ll do after I retire from fighting.” I feel like if I start thinking about afterwards, I lose focus on the “now.” I have so much more in me that I can do. I’m still improving, my body is holding together, I’m getting stronger and more skilled, I found the best coaches in the world for me (and I can say that cuz I traveled the world)….

When people ask me, I give some vague response and kind of change the topic. Really, now, a life of a fighter can change suddenly and drastically with every fight. You win a fight, you get noticed by the right people, bam, you’re in the big show. Or you get a bonus and suddenly have a lot of money. Or you get noticed by a producer and get a movie deal. Or get a title shot. Etc. so really, who can make plans?

I just had to change my Christmas plans…I booked a two week vacation to see both my parents and extended family, reserved a rental car, etc. But I then heard about Invicta being January 13th, and if I get on the card, WHICH I REALLY WANT, I can’t take two weeks off. But I don’t have an official offer yet…but I have to plan just in case. so I spent money to rebook the tickets for a shorter visit, and had a fight with my mom about visiting and I won’t get to see her this time, etc etc. I want to fight ASAP! But I can’t use this against Invicta if they don’t let me because that’s just the life of a fighter. We don’t get to choose when we fight, but we have to be ready if the offer comes. I made the choice to be a fighter and live this life, so it’s “shouganai,” or “it can’t be helped,” in Japanese.

So that was stressful last week. Come to think of it, maybe having the conflict with my mom really brought me down. Then not knowing if I was doing the jiujitsu tournament but I still had to diet. And my nose got cracked so I couldn’t do kickboxing for like three and a half weeks. And Coach John wasn’t here all of last week. I pretty much did Captain’s classes, which were amazing and he’s so inspiring, lifted weights, and went home….. until I pulled my bicep muscles trying to go up the ropes too many times because Captain said to do ten times, and if he said so, I WANTED TO DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

And every time I look at my purple belt, I get upset.



I want to improve so badly and improve my level so badly before my freaking belt falls apart, but the middle is shredding and every day I’m trimming pieces of thread off it….am I going to have to get a new one? I would die of embarrassment…. I’d almost not wear a belt at all. Should I take a needle and thread and try and stop it from shredding? GRRRRRRRRR I CAN’T STAND IT!!!! I want to get better!! I know I’m getting better. Rick told me. Captain told me. But I need to go to tournaments and beat up all the purple belts in my division to prove it. I’ve been using lots of moves Captain had been teaching me. I’ve been going to his class literally every day. I would go to the evening gi classes, too, but I’m like…

Freaking 34 years old, I just don’t recover fast enough if I do class in the evening, and I’m still in pain from morning practice. I can go hard in the morning and light in the evening and recover enough for another hard morning. I think I’m doing pretty well fitting in cardio, class, weights, and then I gotta teach kids and sometimes I get a few rolls in with the other instructors or big kids. I want to train ALL THE TIME EVERY DAY.



haha when I first quit my job 3 years ago to focus on MMA 100%, I wondered and worried, “If I’m not being forced by a boss and job, will I actually be able to make myself go to the gym every day if ‘i don’t have to?” The answer is, yes, I can barely make myself rest when I’m sick or I need a day off. Days off are for when the gym is physically closed or I’m sick or injured.

Every day I’m not doing some training is time lost that I could be improving and surpassing my former self. Tom and John said that today in a little post-training speech, but I’ve always always felt that way.

For like the past 4 days until yesterday I didn’t feel like going to the gym and it weirded me the hell out. I ALWAYS want to train, even when I’m depressed or bummed or sick or hormonal or whatever. I was like, “Am I sick? Am I dying? Am I finally insane? WTF is wrong with me!” But I autopiloted to jiu-jitsu because jiujitsu is life. And I KNOW I learn at least one, usually 5, useful things every time I go to class. No lie. But yesterday I almost cried on the mat literally 10 times. I almost told Captain to stop watching me spar because I felt so crappy and was having a super bad performance in the sparring match and I didn’t want him to see.

politics, training, raffle, ReBoot

So I’ve avoided posting anything about politics during this election time because people feel so strongly. I also feel strongly. But some of my FRIENDS have posted on Facebook that they’ll unfriend people who vote for a certain candidate they hate. Really? You’re going to let our personal relationship be torn apart by your opinion of a political candidate?



I will say right now that I dislike both Hilary and Trump as candidates. I think I would have been unhappy if either of them had won. I will say that I’m glad America is not a dictatorship. For laws and policies to pass, there has to be some kind of consensus. Checks and balances are in place. Now that Trump is elected, I’m feeling positive about there possibly being economic improvement for our country. I’m feeling worried about various social issues that may arise. I am worried about how untactful and politically incorrectly he speaks, and am glad when he backsteps from certain impossibly things like building a wall. I use Obamacare because I don’t make much money. I pay $60 a month for Health insurance now so I’m not looking forward to him repealing that and I may have to pay $250/ month for insurance, and that’s the best deal. That’s my entire bi weekly paycheck for my part-time job.

Anyway, enough about that. I’m still happily pursuing my dreams of fighting and hope to make more mulah in the future. Near future, preferably. Because money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy nachos and tostadas, and that equals happiness. And it buys me plane tickets to visit my family because I miss themmmmmmmmmmm. ;_;

Anyway.

I love America and even though Americans are not perfect and our government is not perfect, we’ll survive.

My mom voted the opposite I did, and I couldn’t believe it! We had been hating on the same person for months when we lived together and then all of a sudden she flip-flopped? So election day I called her and I asked her reasons. She told me and they were logical. I respected the fact that she put more importance on certain things than others. I didn’t try to change her mind and she didn’t try and change my mind. There were no arguments. Only calm, fact-providing questions and answers. It was a great conversation.

/end political entry

Training has been great and I’ve accomplished a lot, except I keep getting injured. Most recently my nose got smashed in a hard sparring session and it’s swollen and hurting, so I can’t really kickbox or take strikes to the face at all for a while now. I’m trying really hard not to be mad about it. My ring finger got bent backwards from blocking a kick and now I can’t bend it all the way because it’s swelling. I’m able to do jiujitsu somewhat by buddy-taping it.

I’ve told myself “I am calm like a Jedi” at least 50 times this week so far. Capitao reminds me, too. lol It’s so cool and rare when someone “gets” how I think.



I did an X-guard sweep to get up from bottom the other day, and a butterfly sweep in MMA without even trying. Obviously, I’m not gonna be one of those jiujitsu fighters who purposely tries to be on the bottom. Those days are over. I’m gonna use my jiujitsu to get up or submit. It’s so cool having a jiujitsu instructor who’s an MMA fighter, and John’s jiujitsu is also excellent and he gets how MMA works. Man, Syndicate MMA really does have the best MMA training in the world.

I find myself able to do the striking techniques I’ve learned lately, and my gi jiujitsu is getting better. I’ve been true to my vow of lifting, doing jiu-jitsu, and MMA classes. I’m writing down my lifting results every session and finding that some of my numbers are going up. *shrug* Who knows how much they’ll translate into my MMA game, but this is where I have faith in my coach.

Some fans sent me a gift card for gas. Thank you so much! It’s so helpful! See you again when you come to Vegas, J & J!



No more socks, guys. I have 203 pairs!

I’ve been obsessed with ReBoot and realized that I never saw seasons 3 or 4 because they weren’t aired on my TV station I had! So I watched it online and WOW, that series went from rated G to PG-13 REAL fast. Chopping people’s heads off, torturing them, dropping buildings on people? I did dig all the cultural references and spoofs of various other TV shows and movies and quotes they added.

I found that a Mexican restaurant that opened near Syndicate called “Fuzzy’s” is AMAZING and has great tacos and nachos. Jessy introduced me to it. I’ve gone for nachos twice with Serena. I really like being housemates with Serena. We have our own space but at the same time, can hang out, and I don’t have to drive 15 minutes to go pick her up if we need to go somewhere together.



Sunday we had nachos (for recovery purposes after hard training) and then saw Dr. Strange at the Orleans. Fun!

I’ve been enjoying teaching my jiu-jitsu classes a lot. I’m a permanent teacher for the big kids class now. And my little kids class just got like four new students in the past three days!

My teammate and friend Jessy Jess fights in Invicta this week! (her name on the card is “Jessica-Rose Clark.” ) Please root for her!! She’s the one with the purple hair.



She’s gonna totally kick butt.

I’m doing this BJJ tournament Dec 3rd!!

Lastly, I’m doing a raffle of these nice Dragon Do gloves to help with my training costs!



dragondo.com

I love having Dragon Do as my sponsor!

mega busy week! Halloween and training!

I’ve been trying out new strength and conditioning as I had mentioned, and well, I can’t tell if my power level has gone up, but I have increased my pull ups and chin up count.

Changing up my training! Let’s do this! busy week!

For some reason, when I plug my iphone 5 into my computer, the computer won’t show it as being plugged in and I can’t transfer my photos. This has been happening ever since the latest phone update (which I never want to do anywany but it forces me.) Does anyone know why? Can someone help me?

This week has been a really hard week training, but hard in a good way.

This is my first week back to MMA because my nose isn’t swollen anymore. This week, I’ve been consistently doing double classes – first BJJ 10:00 AM to 11:30, then and then MMA 11:30-1:15-ish. So actually, I really only have the physical strength and energy to do one hard class well, especially with all the various nagging injuries I have, so in the past, so I deprioritized jiu-jitsu and only did MMA. After all, I won’t be fighting in the gi, right?

I realize now that jiu-jitsu gave me a kind of physical strength due to all the pulling, pushing, holding tense positions, etc. I had decided to focus on BJJ after I was done my MMA career, but after my last fight, I changed my mind and decided to work on it NOW. NOW NOW NOW. That tournament I fought in last weekend and lost both matches upset me so much. So much. SO MUCH. To be fair, it was my first gi competition in 11 years and it feels So different than MMA. I’m glad that I’m friends with the person who beat me. But I’d still love a rematch.

I’m so frustrated about everything – losing my MMA fight, not feeling like I have enough physical strength, losing a BJJ competition even though I’m supposed to be the “BJJ girl.” Actually, I wasn’t as torn up about the MMA fight as I was the BJJ competition!

One of my friends said, “I’m sad to see you so upset” and another one said, “This might seem f*cked up but I’m glad to see you are upset because it shows how seriously you take it.”

Well, yes, indeed. I know I’m not going downhill- I’m improving all the time. I keep having successes in training. But I just happened to lose lately. I’ve decided to change up my training a bit, and I’m at the perfect place to do it: Syndicate MMA. I have everything I need here. Not only Coach John, who can teach me striking, wrestling, grappling, MMA, etc, but Capitao who is probably my second most favorite coach in the world when it comes to explaining things in a way I can understand. And Casey. I also have teammates who are very knowledgeable about strength and conditioning.

I’ve been doing weight lifting every other day for the past three weeks. I’ve also started taking little 30 minute jiujitsu private lessons with Casey for jiu-jitsu. I really understand well when he explains things. I need slow paced, step-by-step, every excruciating detail. I’m a tough student. My teachers probably just wanna choke me sometimes….

I’ve decided that I’m going to do extra strength training, and BJJ training, plus MMA training, and if my body breaks down at the end of MMA class, I’ll just have to stop, which is mentally tortuous because everyone else is still going and I feel like a wuss. Like the other day, my back was hurting so much I couldn’t walk and John told me to spar with Jessica and I said “no” and felt like a pile of @#*$*($. But so be it, because it seems like this is what it takes. The last few classes I couldn’t do the last sparring round because my body felt broken. I just have to steel myself for it.

This seems like the normal training routine for a pro fighter, but I don’t recover as fast as I did when I was 20.

The other day, my masseuse Teri asked me if I was lifting weights because I had more definition in my arms. I was like….

I’m so happy Captain is the jiujitsu teacher. I can really get behind him and trust him. He came up the same way I did….Judo, BJJ, MMA. So his attitude is very Japanese. We bow into class Japanese style, he uses the technique names in Japanese, and teaches us Judo throws. I’ve always wanted to review my Judo, and he makes an effort to go out of his way to teach me. He spent his free time on Saturday to come corner me, Brandon, and Enzo, at the BJJ tournament. Yesterday when I was getting frustrated, he put his hand on my head and said, “No emotions!” Just like the Jedi code I believe in. lol

He said, “We don’t need emotion. Like samurai! Win or lose. I don’t run and jump on cage like RAAAAAAHHHH! Be like Samurai!” That’s exactly what my Japanese friend told me. I love it.

I’ve been teaching a lot lately, not only my little kids BJJ class, but helping Rick with the big kids class. I really love coaching the big kids class. I don’t have to worry as much about discipline and can just teach them the moves.

I promoted my first student! Congrats, Preston! I’m so so SO proud of you!!!



I’m really really strict with my promotions, too. I don’t promote on time, but ability…

Even though I got hurt (emotionally) these past weeks, my mind knows what to do, and I know who to trust, so I just smile, make a plan and proceed! That’s what I’ve always done. I still wake up everyday excited for training. And tostadas.

Finally, anime. I’ve been looking forward to this new anime called “Drifters” which is done by Kouta Hirano, the same guy who did Hellsing.



The art is really cool, and it’s creepy how the characters smile demonically as they’re fighting, as if they enjoy bloodbaths. It’s actually like a twisted, guilty pleasure to watch…. the voice actor for the main character is Yuichi Nakamura and I’m a HUGE fan of his. *_*

And….after I watched the only two eps out twice in a row (is that weird?) I got the urge to watch Hellsing again, even though the level of blood and guts exceeds the Roxy Tolerance level.



My psyche hurts watching, but I can’t look away….and I have a crush on Alucardo’s voice, Jouji Nakata’s… *_*

appreciation, fans, life

I’m reading this book called “Who says you can’t? You do.” Coach John told me to buy it, and said “It’s sh*t I say but more in depth.” or something. I dunno about that, but I like it. I share a lot of the same positive, constructive thinking processes that the book suggests anyway, which is a pretty cool think to realize, but I’m not very far along. It did make me think hard about being compassionate and sparked an interesting convo with Serena.

Anyway, the book suggests that you make a list of things you’re grateful for, saying that we humans are so focused on what we want, we forget to appreciate what positive things we have here and now, and we should make a list for us to read when we feel negative. That’s a technique I already use when I’m feeling bummed or upset for whatever reason anyway, even trying to motivate myself to train if I’m hurt.

I could go on forever. The first thing I’m grateful for is always that I’m alive. Next, that I can walk. I’ve been hurt so that I couldn’t walk in the past, and it’s the worst thing ever. Some people don’t have legs and will never walk, or have sciatica and spine problems and every step is agony. So I’m grateful I can walk. I always think this almost every day. That I have my senses. That I have friends. My parents are alive and are really great parents! My grandparents are dead, but I’m glad I got to meet them. That I have fans who love me and support me… I could go on for a long time because I’ve thought about all this before…

….but branching off on that last one, I was invited to dinner by two fans of mine! I met them while walking past the Keno lounge in the Orleans Casino, where I go two times a week to run stairs! They’re lovely people, and this time I got to meet their son and we had such a nice time. They told me how they got a bunch of people together and were crowded around an iPad to watch my fight. I’m really touched to hear that!

Actually, I’ve gotten two interview requests lately. That’s unusual. I’ve only ever gotten pre-fight interview requests before, never ones after my fight, especially after losing! Why do they wanna talk to me? But it reminds me of the loving feeling I felt while leaving the cage after losing in the UFC TUF 19 finale….I was so crushed at my loss, but as I walked down the pathway to exit the arena, I felt that the people around me were screaming my name and cheering just as much as when I had entered. Thank you.

I have my own goals in life. Win a title. Beat Barb Honchack. Actually make a profit with my fight money. lol Not depend on government assistance for health insurance. Live by myself. Build a big kids jiujitsu team at Syndicate as big as when Alberto was here!

I’m so grateful I can teach kids and that they like me and my class! I don’t have kids of my own (yet?), and I want to help raise our next generation to be good people!

I’m grateful I have amazing coaches who care about me as a person and also making me successful.

I wanna get stronger. Get more fluent in Japanese to do translating jobs.

These things haven’t happened yet but I’m still really grateful for what I have and I think about them a lot. Every time I put on a pair of socks I feel loved, since like 75% of my socks are gifts.

recovery, jiu-jitsu vacation! :D and tourney

The week after my fight was rough, partly because I lost the fight, however I wasn’t feeling as low as I could because I’m proud of my performance. Friday – Sunday I had my eye injury and birthday parties to distract me. Monday and Tuesday I felt like I was getting sick so I just wanted to lay down. But then through Wednesday I was like, man, I really want to get back to training…. every day I’m not training is wasted, I feel.

From Tuesday, I started teaching my kids class, and nearly cried when a kid grabbed my swollen ankle. Friday I ended up helping Rick teach the older kid’s class. It just so happened that his normal coaching assistant Chris couldn’t make it for a week, so I ended up covering classes in his place. I made back the money I didn’t make because I was away from my fight! YAY MONEY!!!!!!!!!! off topic-sort of on-topic my health insurance premium just went up for no reason. *cry* I keep having this foreboding that the government is suddenly going to decide to make me back-pay all the assistance I’m getting and then I’ll owe $250 a month instead of what I’m paying now which is $55. *worry worry*

And that Friday and onward, I started rolling lightly with people while wearing the awesome grappling shin guards that Dragon Do sent me. I first got them in the package and thought, “Pfffft, there’s no way I’d wear these!” and then ended up wearing them every day. lol They are not super bulky and fit under my gi pants! Dude, Jennifer kicked me only like twice, but my shins were bruised up and down and so tender. I guess because I kicked her! ug.

So that week happened and then the second week after my fight (oct 3rd-7th) I pretty much did the adult jiu-jitsu class in the morning and two kids jiu-jitsu classes at night.

‘

SO MUCH JIU-JITSU!!!!!!!!!



So much happiness!!

I adore jiu-jitsu. I really really want to get better at it.

And I can’t do striking because my nose is still swollen from my fight. (it keeps getting bonked and hurt a little bit in grappling but not too much) But I make sure I do lots of striking since it’s my weak point but now I can skip it and not feel guilty. Through focusing only on jiu-jitsu now, I realized how many things I’ve forgotten or abandoned because it didn’t fit in my MMA game. The very way you MOVE is different in MMA than jiu-jitsu. You absolutely should not be on the bottom in MMA. Even black belts get stuck in bottom guard and pounded out and lose in MMA fights. But for jiu-jitsu, the majority of submissions come from there. And gi…I love gi, but I have absolutely no idea where I stand in the rankings now.

I’ve been a purple belt for 11 years, but for 8 of those years when I was in Japan, I didn’t even put it on. I’ve been doing jiu-jitsu for 15 years now, and other people younger than me are getting their black belts.

the week after my fight

So I’ve been partially successful at making myself rest for a week. I can’t believe it’s Friday already. I started feeling sick on Sunday and Monday, but I think avoided coming down with something by just laying down and watching anime until I got sleepy, and then napped. For me, “taking time off from training” means not doing kickboxing. I always want to do grappling…it’s what makes me happy.

My Invicta 19 blog

Well, I had an exciting week at Invicta FC 19. I arrived on Tuesday, coach John on Wednesday, and we successfully dressed up as She-ra and He-man for the photo shoot. I made a big effort to find the costumes, and swords. Then found I didn’t have adequate support for “the girls,” and the front fell. Jessy found lingerie tape for me, which I didn’t know existed, so I could tape the top to my chest so anyone taller than me wouldn’t have a view. I’m just mentioning it cuz it took effort! lol And the wig…I tried on like 6 wigs at the costume store, texting pics to Jessy and John. There was a golden one I liked, too, but those two thought the blond one was best.

And I had wanted to find just a He-man rashguard or something for John since he is built like He-man anyway and doesn’t need fake muscles, but then I wouldn’t know how to make a furry loincloth. lol

Money was spent but well worth it.

Cutting weight was not fun but as easy as I could have made it because I dieted well, salt-cut well, and waterloaded well. Thursday morning I climbed out of the tub, craweled downstairs at 10:30 AM, weigh-ed in in front of the commission, and then got to rehydrate and eat. It’s “early weigh-ins,” a new thing the commissions are doing. Then later that day at 7 PM, we did the staged one.



I always take some sportsfood strips after weigh-ins. They have sodium and electrolytes.



Sportsfood sponsored me a bunch of fights ago and I tried them because of that, but found that I REALLY like and support the product more than I expected. So shoutout to sportsfood! Thank you!

http://www.sportsfood.com/

My friends from out of town started showing up!

I didn’t take as many pictures as I usually do, I think.

Then the public weigh-in and Faceoff!

I like Jennifer a lot. I sense she’s a good martial artist. When I looked into her eyes, I sensed only excitement and readiness to fight me.



I hung out with Jessy Jess and John and Tom on fight day. Got my hair done. Went to Cheesecake factory. lol a lot. Walked around the Plaza shopping area.

Then it was fight-time.

I’d never felt so good physically with zero injuries. I’d never been in such good cardio condition. I’ve never had so many tools in my toolbox. I was so ready.

I didn’t really feel any emotions. I just walked out there ready to fight.

It was a great fight. (Images owned by Invicta)

I wasn’t able to corner her against the cage as much I had hoped. I wanted to get a take-down that way. She actually tried to do that to me, and I had to hustle to regain the center of the cage. Once I was half turned from ducking out and kind of jogged away and thought, “Crap, I wonder if ppl will see this like Conor turned his back to Nate Diaz and got flack for it online” LOL BUT I DIDN’T MEAN TO, honest.



I am very proud of myself for being able to land a lot of combos that I’d been practicing. However, it was as if she ate them and was like, *Terminator voice* “Your attacks are stupid,” and pushed forward. Then when she hit me, I was jolted backwards. x_x That was pretty discouraging. Her face wasn’t bruised or anything and my face is all f*cked up. John said he thinks I won the fight, but if you look at my face, you wouldn’t think so. :/ I just wasn’t strong enough.

I feel proud I was able to do the techniques, like the Roxycoper! but also really sad they didn’t fell my opponent. Before the fight I was constantly stressing to interviewers that the belt really didn’t mean as much as the win, and while that’s true….I had really wanted to bring the belt home to Syndicate. I was rehearsing in my head, that when Shannon wrapped the belt around my waist, I would hold it up with John and Tom on either side and say, “This is Syndicate’s belt!” I had wanted to show my kids and let them touch it. I wanted to be John’s champion…

That didn’t happen. It feels good to know that I can hang with and almost win against the fighter ranked number 1 in my division. But still. Half the money, half the glory. Well at least nobody asked me if I’m going to retire anytime soon! YAY!! That question is so annoying. People just quit asking me and just wished me a happy birthday. Good.

I’m so grateful to Invicta for giving me this opportunity to fight in their awesome organization, and fight Jennifer! They always treat me well! Thank you Shannon, Julie, Angie, Kaitlin, and the crew!

My friends didn’t give me a chance to get sad and took me out to dinner and I ate cheesecake for an appetizer at…the CHEESECAKE FACTORY. We went there so often . lol

So many friends came out from all over the States. Even Eric holden, my favorite stalker (he’s not really a stalker, though) joined us! I didn’t want any pictures after my fight because of my face, and then Steve said, “Own that shit!” and I cried on his shoulder because he was right, I should be proud to be a fighter, but actaually I failed to hurt my opponent. I rarely hurt my opponent. I’m not a fsking striker and it’s so frustrating. Jiu-jitsu is the art that allows you to use leverage and not strength to defeat your opponent, and I couldn’t quite “jiu-jitsu her.” I’m also not vain like “oh my beautiful face.” It’s like, “You didn’t block that. You suck.” every time I look in the mirror.

I’m glad my mom isn’t here to see this.

I love you all.

I turned 34 on September 24th, the day after the fight. Despite going to bed at 3 AM, Candy woke up and drove me and Jessy to the Urgent care at 8:30 AM because I have a bruised cornea. Thank you!

That’s like partial tear on the surface of the eye…it heals within a week, but the pain is excruciating. Every time you blink it’s like needles, and if you cry, the salt gets in… Because of that, I only iced my left eye so my right eye ended up swelling shut. Which was almost a blessing in disguise because I didn’t have to use facial muscles to hold it closed or get an eyepatch. I just looked super f*cked up so Jessy lent me her sunglasses. I don’t want people to look at me and be sad…

I kept bumping into people on my right side while walking, only looking through my very nearsighted left eye…and I thought to myself…dang, I’m glad I have an eye! Imagine trying to function in this world completely blind?! I have friends who got their orbitals broken, who see lines permanently in their vision, and that poor guy who went blind cuz Faber poked him in the eye? I’m so lucky I got off with a messed up face, bruised cornea, and swollen ankle.

Then when we finally got home, Jessica, Cindy, and Hannah burst into song!! A surprise party!