Gina Harris's Blog, page 68
April 7, 2020
Death-ics
One of the frustrating parts of my mother's deterioration is doing one recommended thing and then finding that it is not enough.
For example, everyone said it was important to have durable power of attorney papers signed. We did that. Then I went to a presentation on living trusts that pointed out all of the ways in which durable power of attorney would be insufficient. We filled out paperwork for the POLST (portable orders for life-sustaining treatment) registry, and then I was told that advanced directives are much better.
As it is, one of my better memories in all this was going over the POLST information. I remember at the time realizing that despite the memory issues my mother was already having, as we went over this she understood the questions and was making her own choices. I have paperwork for advanced directives, but I don't think that would be true anymore. A lot has been lost.
(Realistically, we have so few assets requiring estate management that I think we will be okay without a trust. We're certainly below the estate tax threshold.)
I am sure a lot more people are thinking about death now, but it has been on our radar for a while. The final death may not happen any time soon, but with Alzheimer's disease there is a long period of many losses, and many things mourned all along the way. That has taken a toll, but I still have a strong desire to do everything right.
"Right" is a loaded word.
Legally, we have as much paperwork filled out as is likely to happen. I think it will work. I suspect that the family being on the same page is more important than the difference between POLST and ADR. It may still get tricky. We said "no" to ventilators at a time before Coronavirus. I'd rather it didn't come up, it would probably still be the right decision, but it makes you stop and think.
Here's the one that is almost funny: Mom has always hated the idea of cremation.
I have always believed it is because of this kind of superstition that our church doesn't believe in cremation, which I recently learned was common with a lot of different churches. It's not common for the churches to be against cremation, but it is common for their members to think their church frowns on it. So I believed her logic was faulty, but nonetheless, if that was the way she felt, I would have to honor it, even though burial is much more expensive and complicated.
A few months ago we were having a discussion that was not even specifically about death, but cremation came up, and Mom said it was fine. Okay, great. We're off the hook. But is she still in her right mind enough to say that and have it be meaningful? I don't even know.
Previously I had thought our final decision would ultimately come down to money; now I am hearing about mass graves and funeral homes being backed up, and I don't know again. Things are always kind of uncertain anyway, but they are much more uncertain now.
That is not even our most controversial issue, and we may have even less control over that one.
More on that next time.
For example, everyone said it was important to have durable power of attorney papers signed. We did that. Then I went to a presentation on living trusts that pointed out all of the ways in which durable power of attorney would be insufficient. We filled out paperwork for the POLST (portable orders for life-sustaining treatment) registry, and then I was told that advanced directives are much better.
As it is, one of my better memories in all this was going over the POLST information. I remember at the time realizing that despite the memory issues my mother was already having, as we went over this she understood the questions and was making her own choices. I have paperwork for advanced directives, but I don't think that would be true anymore. A lot has been lost.
(Realistically, we have so few assets requiring estate management that I think we will be okay without a trust. We're certainly below the estate tax threshold.)
I am sure a lot more people are thinking about death now, but it has been on our radar for a while. The final death may not happen any time soon, but with Alzheimer's disease there is a long period of many losses, and many things mourned all along the way. That has taken a toll, but I still have a strong desire to do everything right.
"Right" is a loaded word.
Legally, we have as much paperwork filled out as is likely to happen. I think it will work. I suspect that the family being on the same page is more important than the difference between POLST and ADR. It may still get tricky. We said "no" to ventilators at a time before Coronavirus. I'd rather it didn't come up, it would probably still be the right decision, but it makes you stop and think.
Here's the one that is almost funny: Mom has always hated the idea of cremation.
I have always believed it is because of this kind of superstition that our church doesn't believe in cremation, which I recently learned was common with a lot of different churches. It's not common for the churches to be against cremation, but it is common for their members to think their church frowns on it. So I believed her logic was faulty, but nonetheless, if that was the way she felt, I would have to honor it, even though burial is much more expensive and complicated.
A few months ago we were having a discussion that was not even specifically about death, but cremation came up, and Mom said it was fine. Okay, great. We're off the hook. But is she still in her right mind enough to say that and have it be meaningful? I don't even know.
Previously I had thought our final decision would ultimately come down to money; now I am hearing about mass graves and funeral homes being backed up, and I don't know again. Things are always kind of uncertain anyway, but they are much more uncertain now.
That is not even our most controversial issue, and we may have even less control over that one.
More on that next time.
April 6, 2020
Re-becoming somebody
There was a time when I asked someone for feedback. It was on the draft of Family Ghosts, and it was specifically to see about whether I had some of the musical stuff right. I asked a musician I knew if he would look at it. I did feel like that was a weak area for me, but also I sent it to him because of some things that had hurt him, where I thought reading it might be helpful.
I ended up publishing before he got back to me, but then he sent me a really beautiful note that did not give any feedback on the musician parts at all. So it didn't help me, but it was good for him and that felt great for me.
Sometimes I have considered trying to monetize the blog or something (before it became so irregular), but even just adding ads would slow it down, and I don't want there to ever be a time when something I write could help someone but it isn't available to them.
That was part of my realizing I am not ever going to make money from this, but I still really thought that I would eventually sell a screenplay. That would give me the chance to do work I enjoyed, and help other people in their careers, and be able to live comfortably but also have some left to give.
It was probably always naive, but I held on to it right until the one-two punch of losing all of my files and then Amazon Studios no longer taking open submissions. That happened at a time when I was already caring for my mother and not able to take on other day jobs. Yes, I am now getting a little bit of money from that, but having spent a lot of time going through paperwork and red tape and government programs, none of that is meant to make you optimistic or encourage dreams.
The years have been beating me down, is what I am trying to say.
I started to grasp that more when there was one other creative thing I wanted to do. I saw a submission call for a comic opportunity, and I knew one artist whom I thought would be a great match. I wanted to let him know about it, but I also wanted to suggest we collaborate.
I ended up just passing the opportunity on. I tried drafting a message that suggested working together, but I kept filling it with all of these reasons not to work with me. I don't have any experience. I don't have any connections. I don't have any name recognition. It didn't feel right to not give those warnings, but it became too much of a negative message. I couldn't imagine introducing myself to anyone without the caveat "By the way, I'm nobody!"
In retrospect, you probably don't ever really need to specify being nobody; if they don't already know, they can probably figure it out.
Maybe I was too afraid that they would think I didn't know. I knew, but that was wrong too. I have been creative in many different formats. I have written things that have engaged and amused and taught people, and given them some catharsis for their own pain. I shouldn't judge that by the money made, but you get judged for not having money. I have had plenty of chances to feel that.
When I made the decision that I could not get a new job, because I needed to stay with Mom, that felt right. Every way that I thought of in which it might work out turned out to be wrong. Instead, things I never could have expected or predicted happened, and it has sometimes been very affirming but also often hard. Even other people of faith have been pretty judgmental, because Christian faith is often remarkably capitalist.
I had lost a lot of confidence, at least for dealing with others. There have been multiple factors in coming out of that, but one more experience should help make more sense.
I was at a talk at a museum, before everything began shutting down. One other attendee shared some of her experiences, and it was very moving for everyone, I think, but also I felt like I should give her this ten dollars I had.
I was embarrassed to do it, partly because it might seem condescending, but also because I only had ten dollars, like it could look like I am simultaneously looking down on and pitying you, but also I am cheap. Those would just be perceptions, but I worried about them. I looked at some other things and went back, and she was talking to two other people.
I waited for a pause to insert myself, and I started off so apologetic. I didn't actually say "By the way, I am nobody!", but that was the spirit underwriting my offering.
Fortunately, she understood exactly where I was coming from, and said exactly the right thing, "I accept it with a good heart." She then said that she felt she had to come - they were talking about feeling impelled like that, and listening - but she was almost out of gas. I said that this must be for gas, then. One of the other people said, "She listens."
I was reluctant to accept that - too much like praise - but I have decided that along with needing to find a way to consider my own needs along with everyone else's, I need to stop apologizing for being poor and for having needs and for doing things that seem weird when I know they are important.
I listen and I follow. It may not always be accepted with a good heart, but I can't control that so I have to get past it.
I had just learned to get good at taking respite time; now I need to regroup and find a way of doing it again. A few hopes I'd held on too seem very unlikely now. A door closed on the mortgage issue, and now I am looking for a window. I do not know how long this pandemic will last.
But I have to be me. That means listening, and faith, and caring for others, but can't mean needing their approval. It generally does not mean clarity about resolution, but it does mean clarity for the next step or two.
I'll take what I can get.
I ended up publishing before he got back to me, but then he sent me a really beautiful note that did not give any feedback on the musician parts at all. So it didn't help me, but it was good for him and that felt great for me.
Sometimes I have considered trying to monetize the blog or something (before it became so irregular), but even just adding ads would slow it down, and I don't want there to ever be a time when something I write could help someone but it isn't available to them.
That was part of my realizing I am not ever going to make money from this, but I still really thought that I would eventually sell a screenplay. That would give me the chance to do work I enjoyed, and help other people in their careers, and be able to live comfortably but also have some left to give.
It was probably always naive, but I held on to it right until the one-two punch of losing all of my files and then Amazon Studios no longer taking open submissions. That happened at a time when I was already caring for my mother and not able to take on other day jobs. Yes, I am now getting a little bit of money from that, but having spent a lot of time going through paperwork and red tape and government programs, none of that is meant to make you optimistic or encourage dreams.
The years have been beating me down, is what I am trying to say.
I started to grasp that more when there was one other creative thing I wanted to do. I saw a submission call for a comic opportunity, and I knew one artist whom I thought would be a great match. I wanted to let him know about it, but I also wanted to suggest we collaborate.
I ended up just passing the opportunity on. I tried drafting a message that suggested working together, but I kept filling it with all of these reasons not to work with me. I don't have any experience. I don't have any connections. I don't have any name recognition. It didn't feel right to not give those warnings, but it became too much of a negative message. I couldn't imagine introducing myself to anyone without the caveat "By the way, I'm nobody!"
In retrospect, you probably don't ever really need to specify being nobody; if they don't already know, they can probably figure it out.
Maybe I was too afraid that they would think I didn't know. I knew, but that was wrong too. I have been creative in many different formats. I have written things that have engaged and amused and taught people, and given them some catharsis for their own pain. I shouldn't judge that by the money made, but you get judged for not having money. I have had plenty of chances to feel that.
When I made the decision that I could not get a new job, because I needed to stay with Mom, that felt right. Every way that I thought of in which it might work out turned out to be wrong. Instead, things I never could have expected or predicted happened, and it has sometimes been very affirming but also often hard. Even other people of faith have been pretty judgmental, because Christian faith is often remarkably capitalist.
I had lost a lot of confidence, at least for dealing with others. There have been multiple factors in coming out of that, but one more experience should help make more sense.
I was at a talk at a museum, before everything began shutting down. One other attendee shared some of her experiences, and it was very moving for everyone, I think, but also I felt like I should give her this ten dollars I had.
I was embarrassed to do it, partly because it might seem condescending, but also because I only had ten dollars, like it could look like I am simultaneously looking down on and pitying you, but also I am cheap. Those would just be perceptions, but I worried about them. I looked at some other things and went back, and she was talking to two other people.
I waited for a pause to insert myself, and I started off so apologetic. I didn't actually say "By the way, I am nobody!", but that was the spirit underwriting my offering.
Fortunately, she understood exactly where I was coming from, and said exactly the right thing, "I accept it with a good heart." She then said that she felt she had to come - they were talking about feeling impelled like that, and listening - but she was almost out of gas. I said that this must be for gas, then. One of the other people said, "She listens."
I was reluctant to accept that - too much like praise - but I have decided that along with needing to find a way to consider my own needs along with everyone else's, I need to stop apologizing for being poor and for having needs and for doing things that seem weird when I know they are important.
I listen and I follow. It may not always be accepted with a good heart, but I can't control that so I have to get past it.
I had just learned to get good at taking respite time; now I need to regroup and find a way of doing it again. A few hopes I'd held on too seem very unlikely now. A door closed on the mortgage issue, and now I am looking for a window. I do not know how long this pandemic will last.
But I have to be me. That means listening, and faith, and caring for others, but can't mean needing their approval. It generally does not mean clarity about resolution, but it does mean clarity for the next step or two.
I'll take what I can get.
April 4, 2020
Interview: 5 questions with CHRIS BARRON
Chris Barron has been making music for over thirty years, writing the Spin Doctors' hit "Two Princes" when he was 19 (and performing it on Sesame Street with Elmo, Telly, and Zoe in 1995). He has also explored Norwegian fjords by boat, regularly commemorates #Caturday, and released his most recent solo album three years ago, which I reviewed yesterday:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-angels-and-one-armed.html
Chris recently answered a few questions for me via e-mail.
Angels and One-Armed Jugglers will be three years old in October, and I have been reading things you said about it at that time. You referred to "the cocktail party at the apocalypse", which in retrospect seems overly optimistic. How are you feeling now?
That comment seems pretty prophetic now in light of the covid pandemic. I hate it when I’m right.
You also mentioned the responsibility of the artist to give some consolation, and I think it really does. Is there comfort you realize you provided now without recognizing it at the time?
You know, I write and I leave a little Easter eggs of hope and bright spots but I never really know what people are going to pick up on.
What other artists inspire you?
I grew up listening to Paul Simon and Bob Marley and the Beatles and the Rolling Stones but I also like to read Homer and Shakespeare and nerdy stuff like that. I’m a big Tolkien fan. I like to take inspiration from stuff outside of rock ‘n’ roll like painting and nature (and cats). Rock ‘n’ roll comes from the blues so you really have to know your way around the blues, I think.
What makes cats great?
Cats are utterly authentic. They brazenly do whatever they want to do. If they like you it’s a big compliment because they really don’t give a shit.
Please tell us a little about your Sesame Street appearance.
That was the pinnacle of my career so far. Those Muppets are very talented. (Haha) When you first get on the set, you can see all the sudden that they’re made out of felt and ping-pong balls and feathers and stuff but before you know it their eyebrows are going up and down and they’re making jokes and getting inside of your personal space and they just turn into these very real, very personal presences.
To keep up with Chris Barron, you can visit his web site at http://thechrisbarron.com/. For cat content, there's more on Twitter: https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-angels-and-one-armed.html
Chris recently answered a few questions for me via e-mail.
Angels and One-Armed Jugglers will be three years old in October, and I have been reading things you said about it at that time. You referred to "the cocktail party at the apocalypse", which in retrospect seems overly optimistic. How are you feeling now?
That comment seems pretty prophetic now in light of the covid pandemic. I hate it when I’m right.
You also mentioned the responsibility of the artist to give some consolation, and I think it really does. Is there comfort you realize you provided now without recognizing it at the time?
You know, I write and I leave a little Easter eggs of hope and bright spots but I never really know what people are going to pick up on.
What other artists inspire you?
I grew up listening to Paul Simon and Bob Marley and the Beatles and the Rolling Stones but I also like to read Homer and Shakespeare and nerdy stuff like that. I’m a big Tolkien fan. I like to take inspiration from stuff outside of rock ‘n’ roll like painting and nature (and cats). Rock ‘n’ roll comes from the blues so you really have to know your way around the blues, I think.
What makes cats great?
Cats are utterly authentic. They brazenly do whatever they want to do. If they like you it’s a big compliment because they really don’t give a shit.
Please tell us a little about your Sesame Street appearance.
That was the pinnacle of my career so far. Those Muppets are very talented. (Haha) When you first get on the set, you can see all the sudden that they’re made out of felt and ping-pong balls and feathers and stuff but before you know it their eyebrows are going up and down and they’re making jokes and getting inside of your personal space and they just turn into these very real, very personal presences.
To keep up with Chris Barron, you can visit his web site at http://thechrisbarron.com/. For cat content, there's more on Twitter: https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
April 3, 2020
Album Review: Angels and One-Armed Jugglers by Chris Barron
I have had a harder time getting this review posted than makes any sense, probably reinforcing that taking a break is in order.
For now, though, while it is not super new (2017), I have been enjoying listening to Chris Barron's latest, Angels and One-Armed Jugglers.
At one point I had been listening but without getting any writing done; I was going to scrap the review. However, this passage of music kept coming back to me, a refrain that was a positive in the face of darkness. This persistent phrase was from track 8, "Still a Beautiful World".
It is still a beautiful world -- despite many un-beautiful things in it -- and it is important to remember that.
So this is not the most timely review, with the album being three years old, but the trajectory makes it perfect.
I first reviewed Chris Barron in 2015, and I already knew about a case he'd had of vocal cord paralysis then. This album was being worked on then, and delayed, and then expanded. It was released after the inauguration of the current president, following a dark turn. I am listening to it now at a time of fear and dread and illness that the previous dark turns have not left us well-prepared for. And I was doing album reviews because I find I don't have the time and concentration to review larger bodies of work (and now I don't even think I can review a;bums).
All of those themes of being blocked, and working around then finding new obstacles... it's here, and without shying away from that, there is still hope and comfort within.
It's a good reminder that we need music, and paying attention to it matters, even when it's hard, and even when it is easy to feel insignificant.
http://thechrisbarron.com/
https://www.facebook.com/chrisbarronsolo/
https://chrisbarron.bandcamp.com/
https://www.youtube.com/user/thechrisbarron
https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/12/band-review-chris-barron.html
For now, though, while it is not super new (2017), I have been enjoying listening to Chris Barron's latest, Angels and One-Armed Jugglers.
At one point I had been listening but without getting any writing done; I was going to scrap the review. However, this passage of music kept coming back to me, a refrain that was a positive in the face of darkness. This persistent phrase was from track 8, "Still a Beautiful World".
It is still a beautiful world -- despite many un-beautiful things in it -- and it is important to remember that.
So this is not the most timely review, with the album being three years old, but the trajectory makes it perfect.
I first reviewed Chris Barron in 2015, and I already knew about a case he'd had of vocal cord paralysis then. This album was being worked on then, and delayed, and then expanded. It was released after the inauguration of the current president, following a dark turn. I am listening to it now at a time of fear and dread and illness that the previous dark turns have not left us well-prepared for. And I was doing album reviews because I find I don't have the time and concentration to review larger bodies of work (and now I don't even think I can review a;bums).
All of those themes of being blocked, and working around then finding new obstacles... it's here, and without shying away from that, there is still hope and comfort within.
It's a good reminder that we need music, and paying attention to it matters, even when it's hard, and even when it is easy to feel insignificant.
http://thechrisbarron.com/
https://www.facebook.com/chrisbarronsolo/
https://chrisbarron.bandcamp.com/
https://www.youtube.com/user/thechrisbarron
https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/12/band-review-chris-barron.html
April 1, 2020
Object, subject
Shocking confession time: I sometimes wish that I had not managed sports in high school.
Okay, that is probably only shocking for people who knew me in high school.
I mean, it made sense at the time. I loved sports and I was not good at them. It even led to making some money, because I got paid for running the scoreboard for summer basketball and for keeping score at track meets. I lettered! (Three times for basketball and track, twice for soccer, but also for speech team once adding Student Congress earned me enough points.)
It was also something that I did without understanding why I was doing it or the effect it would have on me.
I wrote about my need to constantly be busy ten years ago. (I had not realized it was that long ago.) The Complex PTSD book used the term "busyholic" a lot, which may be why I am thinking of it now. Even having understood my desperate restlessness then, I had still not quite figured out that the real managing sweet spot - for me - was that it was taking care of other people. That made it a better fit for me.
I can't help but wonder sometimes what my life would have looked like if I could have asked myself what would be good for me? What did I want for myself and how could I make that happen?
When I think harder, that means so many changes that I don't even know that I could recognize myself. Ultimately, I think I have tended to be in the places that I needed to be, and that prevents me from getting too regretful (which makes me okay with being a manager).
But I have been where I have needed to be in a damaged and lonely state. Mainly I am sad about that, and sometimes it is anger. The anger is important, because that's when I know I don't deserve it, but I can't just hold onto it. I am not sure it would be good anyway.
Other than the concerns about the lack of support expressed yesterday, where I am stuck now is wheeling between knowing I need to care for myself, feeling all of my other responsibilities, and seeing so much need in the world that I feel like I need to take on additional responsibilities. I mean, I guess if you are pulled in enough different directions, not moving in any one of them is a likely result.
Still no answers. However, I am going to share a story and a desire.
One of the books that has been very inspiring in the realm of wholeness has been My Grandfather's Blessings by Rachel Naomi Remen. Early on she mentions a story from her grandfather - a rabbi - of the Lamed-Vov, 36 people in the world who see the suffering in the world and respond to it. "They respond to suffering, not in order to save the world, but simply because the suffering of others touches them and matters to them."
Later in the book there is a section called "The Thirty-Six", about a woman who was not suicidal but thought that death could only be a relief when there was so much pain in her life. Later things led her to see that her broken heart made a shelter for others. It disturbed me, and it felt like me.
As much as I want things to be different, I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to abandon my mother. I don't want to shut out the world.
I do want there to be room for me, where I can remember my value and respond adequately to that.
Even more - without saying that I literally believe that piece of Jewish tradition - I want there to be more than 36. I want there to be enough people who care that some of them care about me. I want there to be enough people who care that I don't have to feel responsible for all of it. I want there to be 36 million, or 360 million, or 3.6 billion people caring about the suffering in the world. Then I assume we would be working to save it, but we could do it too.
We wouldn't need to be lonely.
Related posts:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-power-of-hate.html
Okay, that is probably only shocking for people who knew me in high school.
I mean, it made sense at the time. I loved sports and I was not good at them. It even led to making some money, because I got paid for running the scoreboard for summer basketball and for keeping score at track meets. I lettered! (Three times for basketball and track, twice for soccer, but also for speech team once adding Student Congress earned me enough points.)
It was also something that I did without understanding why I was doing it or the effect it would have on me.
I wrote about my need to constantly be busy ten years ago. (I had not realized it was that long ago.) The Complex PTSD book used the term "busyholic" a lot, which may be why I am thinking of it now. Even having understood my desperate restlessness then, I had still not quite figured out that the real managing sweet spot - for me - was that it was taking care of other people. That made it a better fit for me.
I can't help but wonder sometimes what my life would have looked like if I could have asked myself what would be good for me? What did I want for myself and how could I make that happen?
When I think harder, that means so many changes that I don't even know that I could recognize myself. Ultimately, I think I have tended to be in the places that I needed to be, and that prevents me from getting too regretful (which makes me okay with being a manager).
But I have been where I have needed to be in a damaged and lonely state. Mainly I am sad about that, and sometimes it is anger. The anger is important, because that's when I know I don't deserve it, but I can't just hold onto it. I am not sure it would be good anyway.
Other than the concerns about the lack of support expressed yesterday, where I am stuck now is wheeling between knowing I need to care for myself, feeling all of my other responsibilities, and seeing so much need in the world that I feel like I need to take on additional responsibilities. I mean, I guess if you are pulled in enough different directions, not moving in any one of them is a likely result.
Still no answers. However, I am going to share a story and a desire.
One of the books that has been very inspiring in the realm of wholeness has been My Grandfather's Blessings by Rachel Naomi Remen. Early on she mentions a story from her grandfather - a rabbi - of the Lamed-Vov, 36 people in the world who see the suffering in the world and respond to it. "They respond to suffering, not in order to save the world, but simply because the suffering of others touches them and matters to them."
Later in the book there is a section called "The Thirty-Six", about a woman who was not suicidal but thought that death could only be a relief when there was so much pain in her life. Later things led her to see that her broken heart made a shelter for others. It disturbed me, and it felt like me.
As much as I want things to be different, I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to abandon my mother. I don't want to shut out the world.
I do want there to be room for me, where I can remember my value and respond adequately to that.
Even more - without saying that I literally believe that piece of Jewish tradition - I want there to be more than 36. I want there to be enough people who care that some of them care about me. I want there to be enough people who care that I don't have to feel responsible for all of it. I want there to be 36 million, or 360 million, or 3.6 billion people caring about the suffering in the world. Then I assume we would be working to save it, but we could do it too.
We wouldn't need to be lonely.
Related posts:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-power-of-hate.html
March 31, 2020
All the rage
Getting close to two years ago now, I exchanged "I love you"s with someone. Sometimes in literature that is called reaching an understanding, but we did not. I misunderstood the next thing he said, and we parted very quickly -- not on bad terms, but not having resolved anything.
When I realized how badly I had misunderstood what I thought was him saying he needed to go, I blamed myself a lot. Over time I have come to believe that it was necessary, and a protection for both of us. Based on our needs and abilities at the time, if we had tried to have a relationship then I think we could only have caused each other hurt and disappointment, causing a bad rupture. There has still been plenty of pain and disappointment, but not from each other. I believe that because of the delay, what happens next can be good.
You may be skeptical of my interpretation of events. That is fitting, because this post is about my anger at the skepticism of my friends.
I did write a little about this on the blog when it happened, but there weren't details, including identifying information. I did share details with some people closer to me, and I am only starting to feel recently how angry I am with them.
I acknowledge that there are a lot of things to feel angry about now, so my seething rage is probably not exclusively theirs, but these are friends and people I love so it feels worse.
Two were quietly skeptical. The one reaction feels really condescending now, but at the time it was just disappointing. One friend was supportive, and I am grateful for her.
(There are people whom I could have conceivably talked to if the opportunity had come up when I needed to talk about it, but if you aren't included, don't feel left out.)
Otherwise, it was disbelief. "Are you sure he didn't mean platonically? You must have misunderstood."
Thank you for reinforcing my deepest belief that there is something inherently unlovable about me.
Forget the fact that at other times you have tried to set me up with people, or told me that the things that I worried made me ineligible for love didn't really matter. Forget that you have seen people hitting on me, and sometimes I picked up on it and sometimes I didn't, but it has happened. When push came to shove, you had to tell me that this thing that was really positive and affirming and meaningful for me was not real.
I have never done that to you.
And the reason I haven't done that to you is not that you are so much smarter or insightful or spiritual or self-aware that nothing you said could reasonably warrant putting some brakes on, but because of kindness and respect.
You could have been happy for me. When I was kicking myself for not understanding, you could have reassured me that one mistake doesn't have to ruin your life, and that things can still work out. You could have reminded me that this phase of my life won't last forever. That might have been wrong because I am still broke and stuck and now we might all die of Coronavirus before any of that resolves, but it still would have been better.
You could have had some faith in me that I can understand a direct statement, and that it was not an unreasonable statement. You could have asked more questions about what led up to it if you had concerns.
You absolutely could have done better than telling me you didn't want to hear it, then gossiping about it to other people, then periodically taunting me with ways to prove it. That should be obviously crappy enough that you would never do that to anyone, or feel anything but shame over it.
So I have a lot of anger, and it is close to home.
But also, I know that I have kept hopes and dreams to myself enough that no one really had any practice in how to handle that.
I mentioned yesterday that I hate writing feedback groups. That is the criticism thing but it is also too much sharing. Yes, I don't do that much, but also I have my reasons. Every now and then when I go outside of that, I am reminded why I don't share.
Add to that the saying that you teach people how to treat you. It's kind of a cruel victim-blaming, really, but also, what do I need to do differently?
For all of the anger I have, these have been some pretty good friends, who have come through in other ways and we have shared good times. To some extent, I think they are so used to seeing me in one way that they have a hard time imagining anything else. Lately the only times I have really felt seen have been with strangers, another things that makes self-isolation difficult. I don't know how long it will be before I can see anyone new again.
I don't have a solution for that. Tomorrow I will start out with another startling true confession, and see if I can get anywhere from there.
When I realized how badly I had misunderstood what I thought was him saying he needed to go, I blamed myself a lot. Over time I have come to believe that it was necessary, and a protection for both of us. Based on our needs and abilities at the time, if we had tried to have a relationship then I think we could only have caused each other hurt and disappointment, causing a bad rupture. There has still been plenty of pain and disappointment, but not from each other. I believe that because of the delay, what happens next can be good.
You may be skeptical of my interpretation of events. That is fitting, because this post is about my anger at the skepticism of my friends.
I did write a little about this on the blog when it happened, but there weren't details, including identifying information. I did share details with some people closer to me, and I am only starting to feel recently how angry I am with them.
I acknowledge that there are a lot of things to feel angry about now, so my seething rage is probably not exclusively theirs, but these are friends and people I love so it feels worse.
Two were quietly skeptical. The one reaction feels really condescending now, but at the time it was just disappointing. One friend was supportive, and I am grateful for her.
(There are people whom I could have conceivably talked to if the opportunity had come up when I needed to talk about it, but if you aren't included, don't feel left out.)
Otherwise, it was disbelief. "Are you sure he didn't mean platonically? You must have misunderstood."
Thank you for reinforcing my deepest belief that there is something inherently unlovable about me.
Forget the fact that at other times you have tried to set me up with people, or told me that the things that I worried made me ineligible for love didn't really matter. Forget that you have seen people hitting on me, and sometimes I picked up on it and sometimes I didn't, but it has happened. When push came to shove, you had to tell me that this thing that was really positive and affirming and meaningful for me was not real.
I have never done that to you.
And the reason I haven't done that to you is not that you are so much smarter or insightful or spiritual or self-aware that nothing you said could reasonably warrant putting some brakes on, but because of kindness and respect.
You could have been happy for me. When I was kicking myself for not understanding, you could have reassured me that one mistake doesn't have to ruin your life, and that things can still work out. You could have reminded me that this phase of my life won't last forever. That might have been wrong because I am still broke and stuck and now we might all die of Coronavirus before any of that resolves, but it still would have been better.
You could have had some faith in me that I can understand a direct statement, and that it was not an unreasonable statement. You could have asked more questions about what led up to it if you had concerns.
You absolutely could have done better than telling me you didn't want to hear it, then gossiping about it to other people, then periodically taunting me with ways to prove it. That should be obviously crappy enough that you would never do that to anyone, or feel anything but shame over it.
So I have a lot of anger, and it is close to home.
But also, I know that I have kept hopes and dreams to myself enough that no one really had any practice in how to handle that.
I mentioned yesterday that I hate writing feedback groups. That is the criticism thing but it is also too much sharing. Yes, I don't do that much, but also I have my reasons. Every now and then when I go outside of that, I am reminded why I don't share.
Add to that the saying that you teach people how to treat you. It's kind of a cruel victim-blaming, really, but also, what do I need to do differently?
For all of the anger I have, these have been some pretty good friends, who have come through in other ways and we have shared good times. To some extent, I think they are so used to seeing me in one way that they have a hard time imagining anything else. Lately the only times I have really felt seen have been with strangers, another things that makes self-isolation difficult. I don't know how long it will be before I can see anyone new again.
I don't have a solution for that. Tomorrow I will start out with another startling true confession, and see if I can get anywhere from there.
March 30, 2020
Flawed perfectionist
I have one more new book and two re-reads and some exercises pending, so I didn't think I was going to write about mental and emotional health yet. The last book stirred something up, though, and now I can't stop thinking about it.
Remember when it used to be a job interview question to ask "What is your greatest weakness as an employee?" It fell out of favor because people always answered that they were perfectionists or workaholics, but I had realized what my accurate answer was: I don't take criticism well.
It also probably didn't matter, because of how that is true for me. I incorporate the correction into my work, and I don't complain or give attitude about it. I do feel mortified inside and hate myself for being so stupid for a while. Since it doesn't get in the way of job performance or inconvenience anyone but me - and since correction is necessary sometimes, that is probably for the best - I am just not sure it is something a boss needs to care about.
While I was reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving I made the connection that this is related to some issues I have stemming from my father and his inability to ever admit he was wrong or accept blame.
In terms of blaming myself, it feels a little stupid to have to deal with this now. I recognized a related issue decades ago (key incidents in 1992 and 1994), where I didn't like showing weakness or admitting error or even acting impressed with anything. I realized then that this fear of people seeing you as less than perfect is unnecessary, and holds you back. It is more likely to irritate other people than impress them.
I thought I had learned and incorporated that. I guess I did with peers, but in a work situation it was still thriving. And, I guess in a way it was a perfectionism issue.
It may be easier to see now because I have been out of the regular work force for a while, and looking back on my experiences while there, well, it is clear that a lot of people I have worked for not only would not care about my feelings but also did not care that much about honesty or integrity or various other traits that would have been nice.
I have really learned that my best efforts cannot make me "good" enough to make things go right, at least not solely by virtue of me being good. I suspect that could eventually be a relief, but right now it is just disappointing.
In the meantime, there are a few issues that really get me with this, because I need to go somewhere with them or change something, and I am not sure yet. That is why I can't stop thinking about it.
The more minor one is that I have always hated writing groups, where you solicit feedback on your work. In retrospect, that is perfectly logical. I have also never been impressed with them, but is that the groups I have seen, or my own issues getting in the way? Both could be true.
That seems more minor because I am not writing much now, and I don't know how things are going to go, and maybe it doesn't matter. I have always been pretty good at the self-criticism, but other viewpoints could have value.
For the record, I can see many flaws in my published books, but those were more from writing them so quickly, in the hopes that I could make some money that way, when in reality I was never going to make much money doing anything. (That is a different issue.)
However, since I am really bad at making money, and I saw a post yesterday about self-isolating people needing things to read, I have put all of my Kindle novels on a 5-day promotion where they are free.
https://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218
Help yourself! If you like them, great. If not, it did not cost you anything.
The other issue is more frustrating, but I will save that for tomorrow. It's not about money, though. It may not sound like it, but I have kind of made peace with that.
Remember when it used to be a job interview question to ask "What is your greatest weakness as an employee?" It fell out of favor because people always answered that they were perfectionists or workaholics, but I had realized what my accurate answer was: I don't take criticism well.
It also probably didn't matter, because of how that is true for me. I incorporate the correction into my work, and I don't complain or give attitude about it. I do feel mortified inside and hate myself for being so stupid for a while. Since it doesn't get in the way of job performance or inconvenience anyone but me - and since correction is necessary sometimes, that is probably for the best - I am just not sure it is something a boss needs to care about.
While I was reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving I made the connection that this is related to some issues I have stemming from my father and his inability to ever admit he was wrong or accept blame.
In terms of blaming myself, it feels a little stupid to have to deal with this now. I recognized a related issue decades ago (key incidents in 1992 and 1994), where I didn't like showing weakness or admitting error or even acting impressed with anything. I realized then that this fear of people seeing you as less than perfect is unnecessary, and holds you back. It is more likely to irritate other people than impress them.
I thought I had learned and incorporated that. I guess I did with peers, but in a work situation it was still thriving. And, I guess in a way it was a perfectionism issue.
It may be easier to see now because I have been out of the regular work force for a while, and looking back on my experiences while there, well, it is clear that a lot of people I have worked for not only would not care about my feelings but also did not care that much about honesty or integrity or various other traits that would have been nice.
I have really learned that my best efforts cannot make me "good" enough to make things go right, at least not solely by virtue of me being good. I suspect that could eventually be a relief, but right now it is just disappointing.
In the meantime, there are a few issues that really get me with this, because I need to go somewhere with them or change something, and I am not sure yet. That is why I can't stop thinking about it.
The more minor one is that I have always hated writing groups, where you solicit feedback on your work. In retrospect, that is perfectly logical. I have also never been impressed with them, but is that the groups I have seen, or my own issues getting in the way? Both could be true.
That seems more minor because I am not writing much now, and I don't know how things are going to go, and maybe it doesn't matter. I have always been pretty good at the self-criticism, but other viewpoints could have value.
For the record, I can see many flaws in my published books, but those were more from writing them so quickly, in the hopes that I could make some money that way, when in reality I was never going to make much money doing anything. (That is a different issue.)
However, since I am really bad at making money, and I saw a post yesterday about self-isolating people needing things to read, I have put all of my Kindle novels on a 5-day promotion where they are free.
https://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218
Help yourself! If you like them, great. If not, it did not cost you anything.
The other issue is more frustrating, but I will save that for tomorrow. It's not about money, though. It may not sound like it, but I have kind of made peace with that.
March 27, 2020
Concert Review: A Bowie Celebration: The David Bowie Alumni Tour
On March 11th my friend Karen took me to see the Bowie Alumni Tour at McMenamin's Crystal Ballroom. I had not known such a thing existed before her invitation.
Other than vocalists, all of the musicians have played with Bowie previously. That includes a long-time collaborator like Mike Garson, who played on twenty Bowie albums and played well over a thousand concerts with him, and Alan Childs, the drummer from the Glass Spider tour.
With the singer gone, multiple vocalists are used. This performance included Corey Glover, Joe Sumner, and Sass Jordan.
It was the first time I had seen chairs set up on the dance floor at the Crystal, perhaps an acknowledgment that this was an older audience, but also perhaps a nod to the band's commitment. With no opener, they played a solid two hours, then came back for an encore. They started by playing all of Diamond Dogs.
I think A Bowie Celebration is the best title. No singer was imitating David Bowie; each brought their own thing. Glover was dapper and dressed to kill, Sumner was kind of a goofy but still hot dad, and Jordan was kind if airy-fairy in a way that made me think Stevie Nicks but was really probably more Janis Joplin. I believe Bowie could have appreciated and enjoyed all of them. 
Perhaps more important, I believe Bowie would have appreciated the camaraderie and joy. There were so many older, weirder people there (I am not using that pejoratively) and they were having such a good time. 
We were not a particularly large audience, we found out, but we were a good one. Maybe they played more because of that.
After the show, Karen ran into Kevin Armstrong and we talked for a little bit about the show and Iggy Pop and Bowie. She later lamented to me that she was talking with Bowie's Live Aid director and they just talked about Coronavirus. Well, that's what was on everyone's mind. They were supposed to head up next to Seattle, but the rest of the tour has been postponed now. How could we not think of it?
But I will always remember something he did say about David Bowie: "We won't see another like him." I will remember that because it is true, and I will remember the emotion with which he said it, because that was the feeling we shared that night.At their best, concerts are places where we share connections and are united, even if for just a short while.
It may be a while to the next one, but each one matters.
http://www.abowiecelebration.com/
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/08/what-about-bowie.html
March 25, 2020
Self-distancing update
I haven't been very regular in my posting lately. I know.
The virus has made things considerably worse for my situation. It doesn't disrupt my ability to work, because I continue caring for my mother at home. It does take away some of the options that we used to help placate her, and it has really hampered my ability to get out of here and away from her for respite.
To be fair, the extent to which the virus has made life worse for other people is much bigger, but then I also had enough debits already that my impact might be felt more. It's hard to say; this is one reason not to compare suffering.
As an additional snag, Twitter keeps having lags and down times, I assume because of the increased internet use, and that has been an important source of connection for me. On the other hand, I expressed some of my feelings on Facebook, and now at least four friends have me on suicide watch.
I should probably not express myself on Facebook.
As it is, I am not suicidal. I am down a lot, and a lot more tired and stressed now, when I was always pretty tired and stressed before. I was trying to think of helpful, productive things I could do, and it's just not going to happen. There are many needs in this world, but anything that doesn't go into my mother is going to need to go into me right now. I hope that doesn't last too long.
One sad loss is time for music listening. For now, I am not able to give bands the amount of time it would take to do a fair review. There are still three that should go up. One is an album review that I had already listened to a few times, and then I just wasn't able to write on the intended day.
Another is a concert that I went to, the night before it would have been canceled in fact. I have to document that; who knows when I will get to go to another? I had thought this would be a great year to do some reviews of Blues Fest, and maybe see if I could talk to some people there. Nope, not this year.
(That is not arguing with any of the policies. It is just disappointing.)
Then my favorite musician released three previously recorded but not released tracks for one album, and I think I can do that. Otherwise, it will be a while.
There are still seven director spotlights to cover, and I could write a lot about mental health and Nazis. I mean those as two distinct subjects, but there could be room for overlap too. I mean, a lot of the reading on psychopathy I have done relates to Nazis. And Bertrand Russell.
I really do want to do more interviews. I had thought of interviewing former classmates who are doing interesting things as we get closer to my reunion, though now I wonder if there will be a reunion. We'll see.
For the record, you may have seen that I have done three interviews, all with musicians whom I have also reviewed. There have also been five interview requests that did not get responses: three musicians, one politician, and one activist. Most of those were through Twitter, and I don't know if they even saw the requests, so I am not holding grudges. Also, there was one musician whom I reviewed but did not want to interview. I could tell I was not going to like it that much. I already have enough guilt about bad reviews; I do not need to add to that.
I do have some thoughts on people and politics and how they are responding to Coronavirus. I don't know if I will have it in me to write about those things, but I might.
In summary, I cannot offer any guarantees of prompt, quality content, but that's been going on for a while anyway.
Hang in there everyone. I will too.
The virus has made things considerably worse for my situation. It doesn't disrupt my ability to work, because I continue caring for my mother at home. It does take away some of the options that we used to help placate her, and it has really hampered my ability to get out of here and away from her for respite.
To be fair, the extent to which the virus has made life worse for other people is much bigger, but then I also had enough debits already that my impact might be felt more. It's hard to say; this is one reason not to compare suffering.
As an additional snag, Twitter keeps having lags and down times, I assume because of the increased internet use, and that has been an important source of connection for me. On the other hand, I expressed some of my feelings on Facebook, and now at least four friends have me on suicide watch.
I should probably not express myself on Facebook.
As it is, I am not suicidal. I am down a lot, and a lot more tired and stressed now, when I was always pretty tired and stressed before. I was trying to think of helpful, productive things I could do, and it's just not going to happen. There are many needs in this world, but anything that doesn't go into my mother is going to need to go into me right now. I hope that doesn't last too long.
One sad loss is time for music listening. For now, I am not able to give bands the amount of time it would take to do a fair review. There are still three that should go up. One is an album review that I had already listened to a few times, and then I just wasn't able to write on the intended day.
Another is a concert that I went to, the night before it would have been canceled in fact. I have to document that; who knows when I will get to go to another? I had thought this would be a great year to do some reviews of Blues Fest, and maybe see if I could talk to some people there. Nope, not this year.
(That is not arguing with any of the policies. It is just disappointing.)
Then my favorite musician released three previously recorded but not released tracks for one album, and I think I can do that. Otherwise, it will be a while.
There are still seven director spotlights to cover, and I could write a lot about mental health and Nazis. I mean those as two distinct subjects, but there could be room for overlap too. I mean, a lot of the reading on psychopathy I have done relates to Nazis. And Bertrand Russell.
I really do want to do more interviews. I had thought of interviewing former classmates who are doing interesting things as we get closer to my reunion, though now I wonder if there will be a reunion. We'll see.
For the record, you may have seen that I have done three interviews, all with musicians whom I have also reviewed. There have also been five interview requests that did not get responses: three musicians, one politician, and one activist. Most of those were through Twitter, and I don't know if they even saw the requests, so I am not holding grudges. Also, there was one musician whom I reviewed but did not want to interview. I could tell I was not going to like it that much. I already have enough guilt about bad reviews; I do not need to add to that.
I do have some thoughts on people and politics and how they are responding to Coronavirus. I don't know if I will have it in me to write about those things, but I might.
In summary, I cannot offer any guarantees of prompt, quality content, but that's been going on for a while anyway.
Hang in there everyone. I will too.
March 16, 2020
Control yourself
I guess I have sort of a trilogy here.
Wednesday I wrote about people being horrible (and dumb) to each other - especially in stressful times - and yesterday I wrote about looking out for each other now.
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/03/dont-be-like-that.html
https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2020/03/love-in-time-of-covid19.html
I believe there is a common thread, and that is what I want to get at today.
Let me start by saying that one of the absolute most fun things about this election cycle is how everybody feels free to tell Democrats how to vote and what to do.
It doesn't matter if they have never been Democrats, and scorn the values that might make someone stick with that party. It doesn't matter whether their justification for being able to tell us what to do is Trump, and they were specifically helpful in getting him elected. It doesn't matter if they have made very specific and clear predictions that turned out to be wrong, legitimately calling their acumen into question. It certainly doesn't matter if you have years of experience with activism and fighting for rights, as opposed to being an actress who likes the guy who briefly took part. There is no reason that my own decision-making process can be valid if it results in a different conclusion than yours.
To which my first, instinctual response is "Screw you!", but that would go to some people I really like, along with several I don't.
The good part of that is that I was worried that by not spending a lot of time listening to outright Trump supporters I might be creating my own bubble and echo chamber, which is a concern. Instead, I find that there are a lot of people whom I disagree with that I still listen to, with diverse levels of intelligence and education and opinions. That's probably healthy, even when it's frustrating.
I also find that I have not written as much about politics this election cycle as I did during the last one. I often think about different things, but it feels like currently things are so much more about the problems with the voters than with the candidates. I mean, the candidates have real issues and I could spend a lot of time on that, but it doesn't feel like it would matter unless we got to the root of what is happening with the voters and the talking heads and the people who feel perfectly comfortable calling experienced committed voters low information because they see through your brand of progressivism.
I don't have a post for that yet. It would probably take a series of twenty or thirty sequential posts building the history of civilization and especially United States history and how we became such a bunch of nasty, twisted creatures.
I do have a concept, though: Dominator Culture
I found the phrase recently while reading bell hooks. It seemed to describe something that I had been sensing. That is a great thing to happen in reading: you find out it is not just you. Other people have noticed, they have worked on it, and maybe there is hope.
For people who have worked on it more, the opposite of the dominator model is the partnership model.
If we are constantly in a fight to prove our superiority hierarchically, it's not just that it creates a full bigot tree of abuse flowing down; it's also that we are always in a fight. What if we just decided we were all equal?
So for someone who hoards supplies and hopes to price gouge, or who behaves recklessly to prove they aren't scared (increasing the risks for the medically fragile people in the vicinity), or the people who keep focusing on "bending the knee" (whether they anticipate the knees being bent toward them, or them being forced to bend), what model do you think that is?
Wednesday I wrote about people being horrible (and dumb) to each other - especially in stressful times - and yesterday I wrote about looking out for each other now.
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/03/dont-be-like-that.html
https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2020/03/love-in-time-of-covid19.html
I believe there is a common thread, and that is what I want to get at today.
Let me start by saying that one of the absolute most fun things about this election cycle is how everybody feels free to tell Democrats how to vote and what to do.
It doesn't matter if they have never been Democrats, and scorn the values that might make someone stick with that party. It doesn't matter whether their justification for being able to tell us what to do is Trump, and they were specifically helpful in getting him elected. It doesn't matter if they have made very specific and clear predictions that turned out to be wrong, legitimately calling their acumen into question. It certainly doesn't matter if you have years of experience with activism and fighting for rights, as opposed to being an actress who likes the guy who briefly took part. There is no reason that my own decision-making process can be valid if it results in a different conclusion than yours.
To which my first, instinctual response is "Screw you!", but that would go to some people I really like, along with several I don't.
The good part of that is that I was worried that by not spending a lot of time listening to outright Trump supporters I might be creating my own bubble and echo chamber, which is a concern. Instead, I find that there are a lot of people whom I disagree with that I still listen to, with diverse levels of intelligence and education and opinions. That's probably healthy, even when it's frustrating.
I also find that I have not written as much about politics this election cycle as I did during the last one. I often think about different things, but it feels like currently things are so much more about the problems with the voters than with the candidates. I mean, the candidates have real issues and I could spend a lot of time on that, but it doesn't feel like it would matter unless we got to the root of what is happening with the voters and the talking heads and the people who feel perfectly comfortable calling experienced committed voters low information because they see through your brand of progressivism.
I don't have a post for that yet. It would probably take a series of twenty or thirty sequential posts building the history of civilization and especially United States history and how we became such a bunch of nasty, twisted creatures.
I do have a concept, though: Dominator Culture
I found the phrase recently while reading bell hooks. It seemed to describe something that I had been sensing. That is a great thing to happen in reading: you find out it is not just you. Other people have noticed, they have worked on it, and maybe there is hope.
For people who have worked on it more, the opposite of the dominator model is the partnership model.
If we are constantly in a fight to prove our superiority hierarchically, it's not just that it creates a full bigot tree of abuse flowing down; it's also that we are always in a fight. What if we just decided we were all equal?
So for someone who hoards supplies and hopes to price gouge, or who behaves recklessly to prove they aren't scared (increasing the risks for the medically fragile people in the vicinity), or the people who keep focusing on "bending the knee" (whether they anticipate the knees being bent toward them, or them being forced to bend), what model do you think that is?
