Gina Harris's Blog, page 65

But sometimes...

Sometimes there are things that you need to do first before something else can happen. 

That isn't really a contradiction; I gave two examples yesterday, though the mattress example was kind of being used in the opposite way. I was going to function better after getting a new mattress, so making it a reward for good functioning was not helpful. Did I specifically need to be sleeping well for something happening at that time? Not that I remember. Bad sleep is not great for memory.

Sometimes sequence is important. That doesn't even sound like it means that "until you accomplish steps 3 thought 7 you must remain lonely and deprived", but it is possible to be really hard on yourself, and punitive. 

(Actually, I suspect there are two kinds of people: those of us who mostly blame ourselves and those who mostly don't. They each have their own pitfalls.)

Anyway, that's not really the point of today. On my ever growing list of tasks, there has been this one about clearing off my desk and dresser that I never seem to move past. I have filed various things, and sometimes I get close to getting somewhere, but I have never actually completed the task and then the mess grows back very quickly. 

I believe it is holding me back. I think the clutter and lack of organization make it easier to procrastinate doing other things, and harder to move forward.

Getting it done does seem to really be worth doing. It should also be something I am capable of doing, though without super solid evidence. Even with all of that filing I did, when I got the tax information, mortgage information, care giving information, and future products all sorted and contained, when I needed to fill out two new applications and fax documents, that undid a lot of it.

But it still seems important, so I am inviting you into my need. 

I am posting pictures of how it looks today, and then I will post pictures tomorrow.

Am I motivating by adding support or shame? It's questionable. I know the people who are likely to read this are likely to be supportive, but that may not matter as much as my perception. The more pertinent question is probably whether I am going to really regret this tomorrow.

I hope not, and that means hope remains.

The wisdom in kindness

This is a link to yesterday's post for the preparedness blog: 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2020/09/resilience.html

I had thought about doing that post on this blog, thinking that yesterday I would post about the white horse prophecy, which I am sure I will still get to. One concern I am running into a lot now is that given the topics that are important to me, it will be easy to come off as scolding, which I don't think is helpful. I'll work it out.

Today's topic, though, should be a comforting one. It is also something that I really thought I would write last week, and then didn't. I hope that things come out in an order that builds understanding and arrives when it is most useful.

The most important part of yesterday's post was that sunflowers that were toppled by a storm on the verge of blooming still bloomed. I didn't think that they could, and I had felt on one level that I should clear them out and put them in yard debris or something. Then they surprised me, not just making me glad that I'd followed my heart, but also providing me with some hope: no matter how down and out you seem, you are still not done. There can still be progress and beauty.

I think I have written about this before yesterday even, but maybe I was just tweeting with someone about it. It is a common thing to say that God will not give you more than you can handle. It's not even that I disbelieve that, but that the way we hear it and the way we picture it in our minds may not be the same. I might have gotten through two really difficult months with my mother without ever hurting her, yelling at her, or making her cry, but!

Okay, there is no might. I did that. That is worth something. However, during that time I was also always behind on housework, I did not find fun activities to do with her or make engaging conversation like I felt I should. I did not make much progress on my reading or music listening or anything I meant to do. My A1C score jumped two points. I felt it was really important to learn and finally get good at self-care while caring for my mother, because it was certainly important to do self-care, and I needed it. I was an utter failure at that.

I can't even tell you that it was a conscious choice to put her needs over my own; a lot of that was habit and apparent need and not having time to think things through and come up with other strategies. I would not have accepted a solution that involved hurting her, but that still does not mean I did as well as I could. At the same time, because the most important need was met, it was enough.

What may seem like a topic for another day is that there needs to be better care solutions and better help for caregivers. Where it actually is a topic for today is that often what we think is being asked of us individually is based on a flaw in society.

I say that because I was thinking of how often we put off believing that we deserve happiness until we fix this one thing (or twenty things) about us. Once I lose X pounds or I pay off this debt or I get a little bit of money in the bank, or if I just let a little time go by people will forget about this, then everything will be okay. I will be able to get what I want or be with whom I want, and then it will be fine.

My first thought with that is that you should have happiness now. You are worth something now. Then the second thought was that so much of what we think we need to do is based on very faulty ideas about what constitutes healthy and how the economy works and how healing works. Maybe sometimes the reward you have in mind is actually what would help you accomplish your goal. Wouldn't that be something?

(ETA: For example, one time my reward after taking care of various other financial obligations was going to be a new mattress, except I was waking up tired and in pain every day because of the old mattress. I could accomplish other things better after replacing the mattress.)

Here are my caveats:

1. Of course you should still be working to improve, but your worth as a human being is not dependent on your perfection. None of us would be worth anything if it were. (And really, look at a few rich people if you have any doubts about financial success not being tied to goodness.)

2. Needing to improve is especially true if what you are doing is hurting other people. Stopping that would be the first improvement to make. But also, that covers a lot of ground, and it could include things that are not really your responsibility. Be kind, and try; everything else starts there.

3. Yes, sometimes there is sequence that needs to happen first. When I quit K-Mart, they were pretty terrible and also I was only eighteen. I deliberately said something critical within earshot of a corporate guy on my way out. Then I did not hear back about the job I had applied for and was sure I would get. I got worried and called K-Mart about going back, which was a humiliating experience. Then I got the call from Burlington. I believed that it was necessary to learn a lesson there, and it worked out. Even then, I have changed my mind on the lesson, thinking at the time that it was to be smarter (looking before you leap), and thinking more recently that it was about not being petty; if I have an issue I should be direct about it.

As much as I believe learning lessons, and as much as I see that the extended time period of our mother's dementia has taught some of her children things and brought them closer together,  and also as much as I still think there are things that I should have been able to do better (independent of any evidence that I actually could have) I have been worth kindness and happiness all along.

There is still that section of my mind where I think that if I can just manage to do this one thing, then everything will work out. It is probably more helpful to know that "everything working out" is not likely, but some things will work out, even as I fall. Therefore, it is more to the point to decide if that "just one thing" actually has value, and then to try and be realistic (and kind) about whether I am capable of it.

I hope you find kindness within and without.

Celebrity Smackdown: Couric versus Washington

It's an overly dramatic post title, I know; I'm just trying to be a little playful to take the edge off of my anger at Katie Couric.

I mentioned yesterday that Denzel Washington waited to direct Fences until he was emotionally ready to do a good job with it. I found that while trying to find out how he chooses which films to direct.

I never actually found an explanation. I did see that for at least one of the films, he took the acting role to help it get made. I heard him talking about his coaching background and helping others. A lot of warmth and good intentions came through. It is not surprising that he funded Chadwick Boseman and other Howard students for a summer program at Oxford. That would be helping growth along, and it would be right up his alley.

In April Katie Couric was being interviewed on the Everything Iconic podcast and mentioned an awkward interview with Denzel Washington from 2004. I was interested in this because I had been looking at Washington as a director, but also because I had recently been doing some interviews and thinking about that process more, and also because a few months before that Adam Driver had walked out of an NPR interview because they played one of his clips and he had expressed discomfort with that prior to the interview.

With Driver, it is possible to simultaneously think that is a weird quirk and that he sounds like a bit of a prima donna, but still believe that NPR was wrong to disregard a previously set boundary.

For the small group of interviews that I did on this blog - which I loved - I was not receiving any pay nor paying the subject; anyone participating was only doing it for fun. It would have been gross to try and do some "gotcha" questions or to try and put down my subjects in any way. There was still a lot of thought that needed to go into thinking about good topics where they could give interesting answers. What is the clearest phrasing so they don't think you are asking about something completely different? Is there a word you can use that will jog more memories?

There are circumstances where being more aggressive makes sense. David Frost's interview of Richard Nixon comes to mind, but more recently Gayle King's interview with R. Kelly.  There is some skill needed for drawing them out without alienating them and losing the potential reveals. Doing that requires some understanding and finesse, as well as some courage and commitment. 

That is not what happened with Katie Couric.

The irony is that in that same 2020 interview she is talking about making interview subjects comfortable. Talking about Washington could have been a good example of how she screwed up and now knows better, except she still doesn't.

If I recall, Couric did not specify which section of the interview made her feel uncomfortable, but it seems pretty clear where it was. It looks like she was trying to get him to admit that actors don't know enough to talk about politics.

Washington deflected three times, that he is not a Hollywood person or one of "those people" or an "actor" as a category, but that he is a person. That should have been fine; you can talk to a person. Couric felt "gone after" and "shaken" and "jumped all over". So much so that she still needed to cry about it sixteen years later.

I saw the clip; she was not jumped all over. She was barely bumped. 

I see it playing out on two levels. On the first, she is trying to lead him to a certain response, where Washington would admit that he was not the best person for political commentary, but he was not going to address that without getting rid of the dehumanization. Frankly, I think that should have been a fairly easy redirect. What do you as a person believe about speaking out politically? Does your job give you a bigger platform and how do you try to use that? Do you feel qualified to speak out politically?

There's plenty to build on there: What's your political philosophy? What news sources do you like? What impact would you like to have on the world?

The other thing going on was racism, where it is always easy to see a Black man as threatening and to feel he owes you more deference.

In that way, Couric's being shaken is in line with Darren Wilson saying Michael Brown looked like a demon, or leash law violator Amy Cooper saying bird watcher Christian Cooper was threatening her life. Washington was unlikely to be killed for offending Couric, but it's dangerous, as well as a failure of Couric as an interviewer and as a person. 

If anything I guess the good part is that it seemed to fail, and most people could clearly see that Washington did not do anything offensive or aggressive, but it is weird to me that as I try and find the clips of the 2004 interview that were available just five months ago, I can't find them now. I see plenty of reaction videos to the podcast, but they only quote the podcast.

Maybe on one level Couric won after all.

Director Spotlight: DENZEL WASHINGTON

Had already seen: none
Watched for this: Fences (2016), The Great Debaters (2007), and Antwone Fisher (2002) 
Have not seen: an episode of Grey's Anatomy

Initially I wanted to watch Fences because I very much want to watch (or at least read, but watching would be better) August Wilson's entire Century Cycle. My originally deciding to watch Fences was not for the focus on Black directors, and I thought of Denzel Washington as an actor, not a director. I really liked the other two, but they hadn't been in the original plan.

I'm so glad I went back and watched the other two, though, because I did like them so much.

Because of the route I followed, I can't really speak to the place of Fences in the Century Cycle or compared to other works by August Wilson. I am also not sure I can say a lot about Washington as a director. He does all right. 

That sounds like faint praise, but it means a lot to not have anything grating, like an uneven performance or weird jumps. He was telling straightforward, human stories, too, where a lot of flashy transitions or camera tricks would have not seemed right. What he did was enough.

That is probably especially important for Fences. Sometimes plays adapted to screen can either do too much to break out of the restrictions of the stage, thus losing the focus of the play, or they do too little and feel kind of static. This was well-balanced.

I want to spend more time on Fences today, with more on Washington tomorrow.

There are some long monologues where you remember that this was for the stage; that is a theater thing. Sometimes you can cut a lot of text, like Kenneth Branagh did with Much Ado About Nothing, but I think that makes more sense with a comedy (especially a Shakespearean one) than a drama. Troy's tendency to tell long stories is integral to his character.

There is a part where Troy's wife Rose is talking to their son Cory, who is understandably frustrated with his father. Among other things, she says about meeting Troy," I thought 'Here is a man I can lay down with and make a baby.'" The play was written in 1983, before Denzel Washington was well-known, and I don't know if August Wilson had anyone specific in mind, but that made me laugh and seemed like perfect casting.

Otherwise, most of the humor came from Troy's stories, and you can't necessarily believe them, but you can believe that some of that long-winded talking is a way to avoid saying something real.

Troy Maxson is a frustrating character. His stories can be fun, and grandiose, and he is a very capable man. Being a man, though - with his version of masculinity and what that requires - takes a terrible toll on him and on the people he loves most.

At least, you assume he loves them, though he doesn't go so soft as to admit it. He spends a long time telling his younger son that he doesn't have to like him, indicating that the care he gives his son is just a matter of duty. Without specifying any negative feelings, it's still pretty efficient at killing warmth.

It is also pretty clear that Troy is a better father than his own father was, and that's something. There are times when he demonstrates care, especially for his brother Gabriel. But why does he have to be so hard so much of the time? If he knows how it feels to have a talent and miss his chance with it, why can't he go hear Lyons play? Why can't he give a little so that Cory can play football? Why does he have to carry on with another woman instead of being open with his wife? (Because, seriously, his reasons for fooling around are stupidly male.)

I suppose there are some feelings about my own father that get tied up with it, though it might resonate more with sons of controlling, emotionally withholding fathers. It would take so little to give.

He hurts all of them, but he hurts himself too. He successfully gets a promotion that isolates him, and not being able to read or admit it leads to a betrayal of his brother. It hurts, all through the movie.

But then, perhaps the most important part of the movie is the ending. It's not tacked on, because Gabriel has been foretelling it the entire time and we just didn't understand. After two failed attempts, Gabriel is able to blow a clear note on his horn to signal the gates of Heaven opening for Troy's admittance. The clouds part, and a beautiful shaft of light shines down. And then you know there is the possibility of grace, even for a hard man like Troy.

As much as we have been frustrated with him, we have cared for him too. Somehow we can believe it will all work out.

I spent some time trying to figure out how Washington chooses which projects to direct, and I could never find anything on that. I did find that he had gotten the offer to direct Fences earlier, but he put it on hold until he was emotionally ready. That shows a conscientious choice, and I think one that paid off.

You can only be true to thine own self if you know your own self

In yesterday's post, one of the key things about seeing and realizing things about myself is because there are these wells of sadness and pain and false beliefs. Ignoring them isn't helpful for a happy and productive life.

That matters, but there is another facet to needing to know myself, and that is living with integrity, and without regrets.

I think it is sad that it is usually only antisocial criminals who tend to write manifestos, because I think there is a lot to be said on being clear about what you believe in and what kind of life that means you should live. 

It concerns me that so many people have such twisted beliefs politically. That's on the right and the left both, and I am sure I will write more about that later, but often it seems to have not really been thought through. Do you really believe that? Do you really think this is okay? That policy would kill me, I get that you are not thinking about me dead personally, but since that would be the result can you put a little bit of thought into it?

I was recently told I had no honor, which in context seemed to mean automatic deference to law enforcement, so, okay, fine. I don't, but because I don't value that particular thing, it works out. I nonetheless need to live my life in accordance with what I do value.

Since I highlighted the various service activities for the Christmas in July songs, I have been thinking more about what I could do, and what is within my power. A very small one came up with https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home

I know that the amount of good that daily clicking does must be small, but it also requires small effort so I do it. I had been bothered more and more, though, by my click for the Autism site, because one of the charities it gives to is Autism Speaks. A lot of people with autism hate them. It also seemed probable that at least sometimes donations might go to ABA therapy. Many autistic people find ABA therapy equivalent to conversion therapy for queer people. Some of my clicks might go to good things, but I started feeling more and more uncomfortable. 

Okay, I could stop clicking, and I did, but that didn't feel like enough either. I ended up submitting feedback. I got an answer that it would be forwarded, which didn't feel like a big triumph, but if other people give feedback, maybe it will matter. (It's still more than I have heard back from my church on the hedge fund issue, but at least I tried.)

That's the thing: there may be many things I care about that I can't help, but I at least should be doing what I can. I am still figuring that out. A lot of it has been simply trying to reach out to people, and remember them, even if that's just sending a card or tagging them in a song that reminds me of an experience we shared. (All of those things that I do that may seem silly, even if they are also sweet, I think about them an excruciating amount.)

There are two more things I need to say on this topic.

First of all, the blogging seems really important, therefore I am trying to do better with that. It will require more planning ahead, and I am not ready to start reviewing new bands again yet (though I think I do understand what I need to do first). I think I will put the rest of my director spotlights in the Thursday and Friday slots, at least for now. I would love to start interviewing people again, but we are not there yet. Regardless, if I have a real talent, it is probably taking in a lot of different information from a variety of sources and synthesizing something cohesive from that. So, that's probably what I should do, even if there is no guarantee of impact. That feels right to me. Sometimes, in addition to explaining past and present, maybe I can also give a vision for the future.

The other thing is that in terms of that value and belief that I need to be acting on... this is what I can say about myself: I will not say that I completely comprehend the worth of souls, but I at least have a sense of it. That often comes out with my frustration with bigotry, but it is just as often a matter of things like people having food and clothing and shelter, and everything else on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

That's where I am coming from, and I have no doubts about the rightness of it. Questions about how to get from here to there? Sure. Frustrations with individual humans? All the freaking time! But my North star is that people matter, and that they can be capable of great good, and that is where I am coming from.

And I will fight you.

Notice that

There is a thing with both EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and meditation where thoughts will come up that you are not going to pursue right then. Someone guiding you will often say something like "Just notice that".

The thing is, even if you are not pursuing those thoughts right then, that doesn't mean that they are not important, or that some further thought later wouldn't be important. It is even very probable that some of those fragments that are coming up are going to be important for later integration and wholeness, but you don't have to figure out everything right then.

(Which is good, because you probably can't.)

Personally, a lot of my personal healing has been delayed by avoiding noticing things and thinking about things, so if there is anything you have been putting off, I cannot judge you. I will share my experience.

Separately, there is an area for which I can't tell if I have backslid in the past four years or not. At one point I had trained myself to just thank people for compliments automatically, because if you try to deny the compliment then they push back harder, and thanking gives them closure and gets you out of there. It's the same thing with saying "You're welcome" instead of "It was nothing".

I have been trying to ignore compliments lately, for sure. I'm just not sure whether giving insincere thanks to end the compliment was really growth. There have been three big ones recently, but the one I will focus on is a friend who praised my courage for trying out and participating in a school musical in fifth grade. It happened twice, which I think is why it stuck.

Both times I tried shrugging it off in that it wasn't even brave for me because that didn't scare me. When it stuck the second time (and kept poking at me) I realized that I don't have stage fright. I get into this anticipatory state when I am going to talk or teach or do standup or karaoke (Should I go to the bathroom? Water? Cough drop?), but there really isn't fear.

Then I thought, "What a strange thing not to notice."

How did I not know something so basic about myself? But of course, I do know how I missed it. It was never allowed to know anything good about yourself, because then you're conceited and who do you think you are? You've got to be modest, except now we've watered that down to how much of her body a girl keeps covered. Knowing the bad stuff is fine, though. That's allowed. It just creates a really distorted picture.

Also, realistically, I have gotten a lot better already. There are still just depths that haven't been explored yet (or just explored fully), and there are things to mine there. There was a lot more in my abandoning drama in ninth grade than I knew, and I made a great breakthrough on connecting my major depressive episodes that I need to explore more. It's a lifelong process that is very hindered by only acknowledging what's wrong with you.

However, this is what I will give you.

The second time Jennie mentioned my bravery, it was because I was doing #RememberSeptember, and it stemmed from one of the memories. The idea to do those memories had been poking at me since at least July. One of the other compliments I tried shrugging off happened because there was someone whom I knew I needed to talk to.

I may be more in the habit of listening to my intuition and getting those ideas, but that is through practice. I don't think I am  unique in that being available.

There are guideposts along the path.

Notice them.

Identity crisis

I am job hunting now, which is not great on the confidence anyway.

It is a little worse now because I have been out of the regular work force for so long, and what I have been doing instead has had so many emotional layers and so much of a downward trajectory that there is no way it wasn't going to be rough. Am I still even good at anything? Would I still want this type of work if I could get it? I could be doing much worse, but then something really threw me.

I saw diabetes on the list of disabilities.

If you haven't been job hunting for a while, the first thing you should know is to plan on over an hour for every unique site. They will upload your resume and use it to automatically fill out their forms, but that data pull never works quite right. You get to then go through and correct it. I cannot see any way in which this is efficient, but no one has asked me. (Therefore, if there are multiple jobs that you can apply for through a single site, that is awesome.)

After you get done with your education, experience, and certifications, there are some standard questions that have to do with anti-discrimination laws and tax credits and things like that. They ask about your race, veteran status, and if you have a disability. You can choose not to answer, but I have always gone through and answered without thinking about it much. I am white, and not a veteran, and I always put that I didn't have a disability until I noticed diabetes on the list.

There is a level at which I have known. In Twitter discussions about disabilities, I have known that I have a chronic condition, and that is a factor for some of the other participants. I didn't really feel like I grasped a lot of what they were saying until I was a caregiver, because of the exhaustion that comes with that. My diabetes has not been a big deal.

Technically it could. I do need to be able to address it if my blood sugar drops. In a desk job with regular breaks, that has never been a problem. If I were going for an assembly line job, or a fab tech, it might.

I also remember when I had that one really bad leg infection, which was associated with the diabetes. For a while after I needed to elevate my leg. I just balanced it on boxes and waste baskets, which did not work great. I probably could have asked for something better, but it never occurred to me to do so.

Also, as things were sliding down during that last two months of care-giving, I was not taking good care of myself and my blood sugar was not doing well. I guess that is a job and disability interaction.

Perhaps it has more of an impact than I thought.

I find that in declaring my disability, I do not trust employers not to discriminate. With the "yes" check, they wouldn't even know what they were discriminating against. Theoretically the whole point of them asking is to prevent discrimination, but it seems like for that the question should come after hiring. "Do you have any disabilities we need to accommodate?" Wouldn't that be nice?

Previously, when I would not declare myself as disabled on Twitter, it was more from a sense that it wouldn't be fair; the conditions that the others had affected their lives so much more, it felt like it would be gross to say "Oh, me too; I totally get it." Now, finding out that my condition is a matter of federal law, I don't even know how to process that. I still don't have it as bad as many other people that I look to and admire, and I still do not want to have to worry about jobs holding it against me.

Clearly, I am impossible to satisfy.

The first application where I noticed it, I marked "yes". It didn't feel right, but having seen that it would be a lie, I couldn't do my automatic "no" anymore. Today I chose a "prefer not to answer". That also doesn't feel great. What am I hiding? Why am I hiding it? What will they think of me? Will they hold it against me?

(The last time I was doing hiring, I just looked at resumes to decide if I wanted an interview, and then interviewed. It worked great.)

In reality, I don't know that it will change that much. There are bigger problems, for sure.

I have been thinking about identity a lot, and self-knowledge and integrity, so this seemed to fit in. It did shake me, even if it shouldn't have.

And it is still an issue where many others deal with it more, and could tell you more about it.

I already know that when there are accommodations we can make to allow more people to participate, we should do that.

Remember September: The next round of daily songs

Hark! A new blog post!

You may remember that from June 12th through July 5th I was posting two songs per day, along with raising funds for Don't Shoot Portland and the Oregon Food Bank. Right after that I switched into Christmas in July, playing Christmas songs and highlighting service opportunities through July 25th.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/07/christmas-service-style-in-july.html

I started feeling like I should do something else, and I kept thinking about ways to connect with other people. The phrase "Remember September" came to me then. Maybe it was also in conjunction with our now postponed 30-year high school reunion, but I was thinking about something where I could reach out to every Facebook friend, and post a memory or something. I couldn't quite get it to gel.

Anyway, as I have been putting so many people on 30-day snooze - caught between loving people and being irritated by them (but for the record, I love you more if you are less annoying) - I decided that what I am going to do is post daily songs for at least September (it may stretch out) where those songs are associated with people I know, and tag them, in the hopes of having some good contacts and smiles. I want to feel some love and remember that I do not only hate people.

Early posts are probably going to focus on concerts, weddings, and karaoke, where the song associations are more obvious. Maybe sometimes I will try and choose a song that encapsulates a feeling. It could get mushy.

There are other pitfalls, like maybe people won't care. Or maybe one song would be perfect, but then people would wonder why this one person wasn't tagged, and I could divulge or not why that person and I are no longer friends but generally I'm okay with you still liking them.

I mean, there are plenty of bad memories too, but I will try and focus on the good ones. 


At this point, I think Twitter will just get the songs without explanations, but if there's a good story, who knows? We'll see how it goes after that.

Hope as a seed

I'm not much of a gardener. I want to be, but I don't know a lot, and often I don't have the means to put forth the effort that it would really take.

This year seemed like a good opportunity. I had some funds, and if there was ever a time that it makes sense to grow your own food, we are there now. I made plans, and then nothing went right.

The virus made browsing nurseries harder, but everyone eventually got to the point where you could look, but then the things I wanted were gone. I guess I was not the only one wanting to grow more.

You can still find seeds pretty well, but seedlings for trees and bushes disappeared quickly, with two blueberry bushes selling out while I was ordering them. It was almost impossible to find seed potatoes.

Also, I did "Call before you dig" - as you should - but the results were not what I expected. Even if I could have found the trees that I wanted, I am not sure the front yard can take trees now.

Plans were readjusted - mainly scaled back - and there was just a little ground prep required. Then it rained. And poured. And rained some more.

I'm not going to list everything that went wrong, but it was a lot.

I have done some things. Some things will probably still get done. Everything is late.

Also I think my sunflowers are germinating, but not my pumpkins. Why?

It has been a lot of frustration,  which has been true about everything else this year. Mainly I wonder if I can be enough to carry this through, which has also been true of everything else this year.

At least I am consistent.

But no matter how much goes wrong in a garden, there are at usually a few starts and things to watch for. They may end up being false hopes, but it is something.


It doesn't really take that much to keep me going.

Christmas (service style) in July

It was an experience running two fundraisers at once. I think I could have done better, but I think that about everything I do.

The decision to run two simultaneously was because both causes were important and I did not want to chooser. In addition, I thought of other charities that were important to me, and also that there are things to give besides money that are sometimes much easier. That is when I had the idea for the next phase.

Since Christmas in July is a thing for television channels and ornament stores and... okay, it is usually pretty commercial. It can still be fun, and we have twenty days until July 25th. For that time period, the daily songs will be Christmas songs, and with each song I will highlight a service opportunity.

I think I am going to try and focus on songs that have been part of other fundraisers, and that have tried to inspire. Of course, that largely makes me think of "Do They Know It's Christmas?", a song I loved but that was kind of condescending and then the money didn't really benefit anyone but a ruthless warlord, partly due to infrastructure issues but not resolved largely due to Bob Geldof's arrogance.

https://www.spin.com/featured/live-aid-the-terrible-truth-ethiopia-bob-geldof-feature/

We can learn and try and be better, and it requires listening and humility.

I hope that this will do some good. I realize it may not, and that I may not know one way or another.

In the meantime, here are the songs listed out for the two completed fundraisers. I did use "Green Onions" twice. It is a blues classic, it is food-related, and it is the song I most associate with Blues Fest. "Green Onions" and seeing Terry Currier: I miss that, but at least I did get to use "Green Onions" twice, and I talked to Terry when I ordered my Ramones puzzle.

(And then Maria interrupted because she wanted the vinyl of The Psychedelic Furs, Midnight to Midnight, but she called it "Heartbreak Beat", which is the first track, so he thought she meant the 7-inch single,and we had this three-way conversation that probably made our household look incompetent, and musically ignorant. This is the second time Maria has embarrassed me at Music Millennium, but the other time it was with The Fixx.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-fixx-live-at-music-millennium.html )

Oh yeah, songs.

Oregon Food Bank Fundraiser, featuring songs about food and hunger:
6/12 “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran6/13 “Eat It” by “Weird Al” Yankovic6/14 “Hungry Eyes” by Eric Carmen6/15 “F.O.O.D. AKA Aren't You Hungary” by Reggie and the Full Effect6/16 “Hungry Heart” by Bruce Springsteen6/17 “Peaches” by The Presidents of the United States of America 6/18 “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog6/19 “Friday Fish Fry” by Kelis6/20 “Cherry Pie” by Warrant6/21 “Hungry For Heaven” by Dio6/22 “The Hungry Ghost” by The Cure6/23 “Hunger” by Florence + The Machine6/24 “Love Hungry Man” by AC/DC6/25 “Hunger” by Ross Copperman6/26 “Hungry, So Angry” by Medium Medium 6/27 “Hunger” by Of Monsters and Men6/28 “Hungry Again” by Dolly Parton6/29 “Hungry People” by The Happy Fits6/30 “Hungry” by Winger7/1 “Stay Hungry” by Twisted Sister7/2 “Hungry” by White Lion7/3 “Who Stole the Hot Sauce?” by Chubby Carrier and the Bayou Swamp Band7/4 “Green Onions” by Booker T. & the M.G.'s7/5 “Them Belly Full (But We Hungry) by Bob Marley & The Wailers
(I made it more blues-y on the days that should have been for the festival.)
Don't Shoot Portland fundraiser, featuring blues songs:
6/12 “Smoking Gun” by Robert Cray6/13 “Green Onions” by Booker T. & the M.G.'s6/14 “Wanna Be a Bull” by Terry & the Zydeco Bad Boys6/15 “Hold Up the Light” by Terrie Odabi6/16 “Blues For We” by Mel Brown6/17 “Death Came A-Knockin' (Travelin' Shoes)” by Ruthie Foster6/18 “Put A Woman In Charge” by Keb' Mo' (feat Rosanne Cash)6/19 “Juneteenth Jamboree” by Louis Jordan6/20 “Dirty Love” by Dirty Revival6/21 “Never Gonna Break My Faith” by Aretha Franklin, feat. The Boys Choir of Harlem6/22 “Truth Don Die” by Femi Kuti6/23 “You Are Not Alone” by Mavis Staples6/24 “My Zydeco Shoes” by Chubby Carrier6/25 “Healing Tide” by The War and Treaty6/26 “I'm A Blues Man” by Robert Kimbrough Sr.6/27 “Loan Me Your Handkerchief” by Step Rideau and The Zydeco Outlaws6/28 “How Much Longer” by Johnny Rawls6/29 “I Want My Dog To Live Longer” by Curtis Salgado & Alan Hager6/30 “Change the World” by Lady A7/1 “Married To The Blues” by Shemekia Copeland7/2 “Mannish Boy” by Muddy Waters7/3 “Boom Boom” by John Lee Hooker7/4 “How Blue Can You Get” by B.B. King7/5 “Crossroad Blues” by Robert Johnson
Related links:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/06/fundraising-and-music.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/07/fund-raising.html