Gina Harris's Blog, page 42

One more thing about work

As I have been making peace with being fat and trying to listen to my own needs, the overriding thought has been a desire for more strength and stamina.

That's logical: not only is it very practical, but I also do remember having more energy and ability before, while I never remember thinking of myself as not fat.

The tricky thing is getting there. It is easy for attempts at health to turn into attempts at weight loss, potentially bringing on disordered eating or leading to an inability to recognize progress in other areas. What is the best method? How do I measure?

Work helped me in two ways. 

For Customer Service Week, everyone in customer service -- even trainees like me, who have only taken a handful of calls -- got an Amazon gift card.

Yes, I have reservations about dealing with Amazon, but I love free stuff.

I hadn't decided what to get, and then I got a work e-mail about the Turkey Trot.

Obviously, my first thought was about the local one in Washington Park, and how my last attempt didn't go too well:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/11/not-as-embarrassed-as-i-could-be.html 

(Reading this again, I see that I did not mention another possible concern at that one was that everyone was running. Usually at other events I have done, there are also lots of walkers, like me. That was definitely true for the Shamrock run and the Portland Floral Walks before the Rose Parade. That may have made it more discouraging; if something went wrong, I would have been on my own.)

I did know this already, but there are many Turkey Trots.

This one is a walking challenge, to get 280,000 steps between October 25th and Thanksgiving. It requires walking only, is for a specified time period, and has flexibility for when and where... that's what I call a good start.

The only problem was that I no longer had a working pedometer; that sounds like a job for an Amazon gift card!

It felt like it all just came together in a timely fashion: here is what works for me now, and it is all through my new job.

And I do very much mean "now"; I am sure there will be other steps to take, but I have a starting place, and I feel good about it.

Music Review: Forgotten Door

Although Forgotten Door's self-titled album only came out in 2019, the band has been around for longer, starting as a cover band.

That time spent playing other bands' music may explain some of the divergent influence I hear, where at times they remind me of Santana, and at other times of Fleetwood Mac. 

However (especially in comparison to Fleetwood Mac), Forgotten Door feels much more mellow. The songs may be plaintive or wistful, but listening is overall relaxing. I come away with the strong impression that they would not engage in a bunch of unnecessary drama, making it easier to listen and relax.

Their song "Masquerade" was recently remastered and released as a single, and the band has begun scheduling new performances, though with some delays. They are also working on a new album.

You can find updates at the following links:

https://www.forgottendoor.com/

https://www.facebook.com/ForgottenDoor 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5Qz7fdezsZGN9ewrTJ0cHw

https://www.instagram.com/forgottendoor/

https://twitter.com/ForgottenDoor

The shocking truth

I wrote about my job yesterday because when I was job hunting I remembered a time when I could always get the job that I wanted. I would apply to other jobs, but I had one in mind, and I would get that one.

When that was not happening this time around, I started wondering if the problem was that I didn't know what I wanted. Then I started thinking about something else, leading to the realization.

That realization needing its own post and all of this intro is because this is going to be so shocking and difficult to believe, but if you bear with me, it will make sense:

I think I might have been able to have any boy I wanted.

Please understand that I am not in any way trying to say that I was hot or popular or sought after. I am sure I would have noticed that. Besides, while I understand the apparent appeal of such a thing, I suspect it would be quite stressful.

However, for being with the person that I wanted to be with, I did really well. They liked spending time with me. They were down for spending more time with me. I didn't appreciate it or grasp it at the time, but yeah, I did okay.

I maintain that I have been in love three times, with three honorable mentions. 

In love = On my first (known) contact with them there was this bell/lightning bolt/recognition.

Honorable mention = It wasn't as dramatic but I did feel drawn to them. 

The first of the honorable mentions was really only borderline, but every time I think I shouldn't include him, I feel guilty. He was right before the first time I fell in love, and I think things were different after that.

When other men have hit on me (at least so that I recognized that's what was going on), there had not been that thunderbolt, so I wasn't interested.  

This may seem impractical, but when I have talked myself into liking someone, it has always gone badly. The ones where it hasn't been my intent have all been people that I only grew to love more, and enjoyed spending time with, so I have to feel like it works for me. 

I get that if I were less comfortable with being single, that might not be a workable system, but as it is, I am fine. This is probably why the mere thought of trying online dating feels annoying and exhausting.

But when all of my senses go off, this is going to be someone that I can connect with, and appreciate, and really enjoy.

Even before that, when it was just boys that I thought were cute or nice (and I say boys because I mean younger ages, and this should not be interpreted as anything dirty) the boys that I wanted to play with wanted to play with me too.

When I was talking with a classmate online, and it felt like it was leading to a date, we did go on a date. It turned out that we didn't have enough in common to maintain a conversation, but we still went.

In between the play dates and dates set up via Facebook, boys I really liked at dances wanted to spend more time with me, and then I thought I should cut it short so they wouldn't get tired of me. I hurt one's feelings badly, and the other one was engaged the next time I saw him.

That fear of being annoying has been a problem all along. It did get in the way with the ones I really loved, or who would at least get an honorable mention.

I don't regret it too badly. I think getting some self-esteem earlier would have been great, but I like the person I am now. 

As much affection as I have for my first love, I think we could easily have killed that by dating. My second got really bitter and angry when he started having career problems. Maybe if we had been together, I could have supported him and it would have gone better, but maybe it is better that we didn't. I don't regret the time we did have, and if I can ever do anything for any of them, I will.

Moving forward (the only thing that you ever can do) I accept the evidence that is there: I can attract the people I am attracted to. I am no worse than anyone else, and no less worthy of love.

And things not working out will not break me; knowing that is also very important.

Six years ago I wrote about not wanting loneliness to be a problem. I didn't know if that meant being better connected and not feeling lonely or if it meant making peace with the loneliness. 

I did not consider that part of the loneliness was that feeling of connection being impossible, and the self-sabotage, and how isolating that could be.

I am exactly as unattached as I was before, but I am not lonely.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/10/this-next-section-wants.html

Job update

This is a departure from what I was blogging about. It does fit in, and it is a topic that some people have asked about.

How's the new job?

I have been working for about a month now. That started about fourteen months after moving our mother into a care facility.

Did it have to take so long?

I am not sure. I did recognize that I was tired, and that I probably needed some time to recover. I didn't think it would have to be that much, especially as succeeding at work is part of the recovery.

When I was being paid for caring for Mom, even though it was not a lot, I totally felt that boost from getting a pay check. However, there was still a lot about that particular job that could be very discouraging.

Also, there was no distance to be had. I was really only off the clock during respite time. If something went wrong during that time, I was sure to hear about it.

I currently have a set time to log in and log out. That includes breaks, and my time is my time.

It's been a while.

Possibly one thing that slowed my job search was trying to apply for jobs other than call centers. It's not the only thing I am capable of doing, but it might be the thing that my resume proclaims most loudly.

It hasn't been terrible. 

I am doing something I am good at and getting paid for it; that is very validating. Having it set up with clear boundaries is a bonus.

There are two other things that help.

Moda is a very good place to work. I was impressed before by how thoughtful and supportive everyone has been. We just completed a unit on trauma informed care, and I understand now why they are so supportive and aware. Those values are being applied to employees and to customers, and I deeply appreciate that.

It would appear to naturally flow from that philosophy that retention and growth is valued, so that means that after six months, I will have the opportunity to move to other areas. Being in a call center has not been bad, but it also does not have to be permanent.

As COVID breakthrough cases continue, with lots of people out there who revel in defying good health and hygiene practices, I am also pretty grateful it is a telecommuting job. That also saves me travel time, but the other benefit is that the pets are accessible.

I have worried that at some point an embarrassing bark or yowl will be heard, but so far it has gone pretty well. They may approach for pats, get some, and go back to entertaining themselves, and this has not been bad for the work environment. 

It is cutting into my reading-viewing-listening time, but that is mainly a matter of being more realistic about how much I can expect to do.

All in all, I am glad to be here.

Worse than ironic

My mother was really into cleaning, but also my room was really more cluttered than dirty. I think when she would nag about it, that was at least partly that it was her perception of what the mother's job is. Maybe that's a stereotype, but we all watched television; we were susceptible.

Similarly, there was a lot of reinforcement that fat was bad, and that was not just about me. I remember her always dieting. I frequently referred to her 1000 calorie a day diet and some exercise books she had, especially in junior high.

I am sure that was a factor in my self-image, but I am just as sure that my father was a worse factor. He enjoyed us a lot less. It's not that I don't believe he loved us, but it was impossible to really make him happy. I felt that. 

Although there were stiff penalties for questioning my father's authority or making him feel disrespected (like not being spoken to for two and a half years after a disagreement about driving, but that was just the one time), he was not a micromanager. He was not always telling us what to do or making sure that we did it or even giving a lot of advice. That may have given the things he said more of an impact. 

I don't remember my father ever mentioning my weight, but I do remember him saying about my sister that men want greyhounds, not Saint Bernards. My sisters and I regularly make Saint Bernard jokes; sometimes you subvert the language of the oppressor by adopting it.

There was another thing said that I didn't hear, but my younger sisters did: 

"Remember, fat boys get married; fat girls don't."

Thanks for those words of wisdom, Dad.

There is a level on which we still believe that.

(Let me just throw in that when our brother got married, the main thing I remember him saying was "At least I got a skinny one.")

We know fat girls who have gotten married of course, and others who have not. It seems like there has been more confirmation that our father was right than that he was wrong.

Except, I think he might have influenced it in another way, but never being happy with us.

Again, a lot of healing has been coming to realize that was him not being happy with himself, not that his children were worse than anyone else's. 

Also, his not being a particularly good husband may have played a role in us not pursuing marriage particularly hard. Staying single might have felt more tragic if our primary marriage example had looked happy and supportive.

It's just that I know some fathers think their daughters are great; that seems to make some things easier for those daughters.

I also know some skinny daughters whose parents are really critical. While it totally seems like they should have been able to get married, they have not.

There are many contributing factors; picking out the one that makes or breaks the ability of a person to form healthy relationships may not even be possible.

I do think it would have been nice if -- no matter how harsh the outside world was -- that inside the home had felt loving and safe.

I wish that back when I could easily roller skate for 90 minutes or bike for 10 miles that -- even though I was not skinny -- that I would have been able to see myself as more than just fat. 

This is not to say that my activity made me any worthier, but it does feel like it makes all of the "for health" motivation more ludicrous. Instead of appreciating that, or myself, I kept going back to calculating 1000 calories a day, and doing the moves in Slimming Your Hips, Thighs, & Butt and 30 Days to a Flatter Stomach. That really felt like the only thing that mattered, even if nothing ever got slim or flatter.

Not only did that keep me from knowing myself better, but it made me miss something very important, which needs its own post.

Irony?

I realized something that was interesting to me: after all of these posts about tidying and fat, those were the areas where I felt like I could never please my mother.

I don't want that to come off too harshly. Our relationship has been mostly good, but her parenting philosophy was that you need to correct children. Later I grew to understand that she didn't think I was as bad as I thought that she thought I was, but that took a while. Until some point in adulthood, I only really knew what was wrong with me.

(My father was actually a bigger part of that, and we will get there.)

It does seem like two different phenomena, because while I have learned to accept being fat, I haven't exactly accepted being disorganized. It is more complicated than that.

I am more mindful of whether certain things work well for me or not. I am sure there are organizational choices that my mother would not approve of, but the key issue has become whether or not it works for me. If it does, great; if not I will figure out what does work for me. 

I needed some room to get there, where my specific needs and wants could be sufficient justification.

In addition, I also needed to be able to let things go.

I had mentioned a while back about needing to be over-prepared, and that making it hard to travel light. 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/03/driven.html

That was not just one thing. My need to take care of everyone and do that perfectly is in there, but it was combined with a lack of trust that other people would come through, and also a scarcity mindset.

I have a specific childhood sense of being poor. I can't tell you whether that was just my specific formative time period. There are five year gaps between siblings on either side for me, so we did have different experiences regarding that. It might also just be something about me, with that whole sense of not being enough. We might have seemed poorer because of that.

Regardless, it made it hard to let things go. There was always the fear of needing it later and not having it, and the dread of being wasteful. Maybe there was concern that getting rid of something without having used it meant I never deserved it at all.

I don't doubt that it helps that there are so many better options for discarding responsibly now. Very little has to go directly into the garbage. Sometimes it requires some work to find the right method and destination, but it helps. 

It helps almost as much as it helps getting to be okay with yourself.

Album Review: Kings & Queens of the Underground and The Roadside EP by Billy Idol

This did not go the way I thought, but has been delightful all the same.

First, for that part of the retrospective when there were some bands that it was important to not leave out, but that I had never reviewed, Billy Idol was one:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/06/review-retrospective-not-reviewed-but.html 

There was certainly the thought that I would want to review some of them at some point, perhaps with the hope that I could see them live, but there were no concrete plans; I'm not really going to concerts right now, at least not indoors.

Then when I was on Youtube getting a daily song ready, a new Billy Idol video popped up: "Bitter Taste". It became the song of the day for September 2nd.

Then another video popped up, "Save Me Now". 

This is where I got things wrong; the two videos were stylistically similar, so I thought they were from a single album. Then I saw that the last album release was 2014. I was really late on "new".

In fact, Kings & Queens of the Underground, an album, came out in 2014, thus concurrent with Idol's excellent autobiography, Dancing With Myself. 

Idol also released an EP, The Roadside, about three weeks ago. "Save Me Now" is from the album. "Bitter Taste" is from the EP, released before the full EP was out, so was in fact very new.

I liked them both so much that I needed to include both in this review, and yet I have focused so much on those two specific releases that I can't call it a full review of Billy Idol.

Despite seven years between them, they fit well together. 

Listening, I love them. It is such a revelation of growth, and yet it is also a natural growth and maturation. It's not a departure so much as a becoming.

I hear familiar things, like a cadence on "Bitter Pill" that kind of reminds me of "Sweet Sixteen". Sometimes there are hints in the lyrics; I believe I heard the phrase "rebel yell". 

At the same time everything is deeper and richer. They are often still so much fun, like (especially the intro on) "Rita Hayworth" and "Can't Break Me Down".

"Save Me Now" probably had the most profound first impact for me.  

In the video, a man dressed as a priest (but probably not a priest) drives a cop car (the cop is handcuffed in the back) while pawing the irritated woman beside him. That seems surreal, and yet, as Idol sings about consulting the law and a priest, without much help, it suddenly makes sense that often traditional institutions that are supposed to be authoritative leave us hanging.

Despite that, there is not a surrender. He is still asking, though the answer may be more in personal relationships than traditional institutions.

And then Steve Stevens comes out, so it's perfect.

Speaking of relationships, the change that seems most striking for the EP is a theme of taking relationships more slowly, having learned the value of connection and not wanting to damage that.

Which is pretty dang mature, but it still rocks.

Old fans who have not kept up should be pleased by these developments.

There is more. More, more, more, more! More, more, more!

https://billyidol.net/ 

https://www.facebook.com/BillyIdol/ 

https://www.youtube.com/billyidolonline 

https://www.instagram.com/billyidol/

https://twitter.com/BillyIdol

Finding your power

I've got one more study for you: The Minnesota Starvation Experiment

It's not from any of my recently read books. It does sometimes come up in discussions I see on Twitter, though those are usually not so much about weight, as about social control. And yet, probably the reason those discussions are coming up is because those are people interested in fat-shaming and fat-phobia, but also interested in Michel Foucault's theories of crime and punishment, and things like that.

Many of you may have heard of the experiment, when some conscientious objectors in World War 2 served as test subjects for famine studies. I think it might have come up in 9th or 10th grade health class, or maybe in history.

It was worse than I remembered. I remembered the low energy and mood and some of the issues that track with eating disorders and that can correlate with self-harm. I know more about that now than I did then, but I remembered.

However, I know I would have remembered if they had said anything about one of the participants chopping off three of his fingers and then not remembering whether he did it accidentally or not. (Though, if that was 9th grade, I get why they didn't share that with 14 year olds.)

Without spending too much time on that, let's just consider a few things that we do know.

We know that health outcomes are largely determined by nutrition and activity, but that options for nutrition and activity may be closely tied to income and environment. This is where we can talk about food deserts, sidewalks and infrastructure, transportation, scheduling and stress, but where it also does not hurt to talk about marketing, industry, agriculture, and soil depletion.

We know that it is stuck in many people's perceptions that fat is synonymous with bad health, and also assumed to indicate repulsive personal habits like gluttony and laziness, without consideration of the factors mentioned in the previous paragraph.

We know that the body has a pretty strong idea genetically of how your body should be, and will adjust metabolism and other bodily functions to maintain. That means two things:

Attempts to lose weight -- especially by food restriction -- is hard on your mind and soul as well as your body.That even if you succeed in reducing some body mass, that mass will probably come back with some extra.

Also remember that in 1998 the NIH declared millions of American fat by lowering the BMI based standards, even though BMI is not scientifically based, giving no consideration to muscle mass versus fat, cardiovascular fitness, blood pressure, cholesterol levels, or anything that would indicate actual health:

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9806/17/weight.guidelines/

All of this makes it very easy to feel -- falling disproportionately on the poor --that you are fat and that it is a personal flaw that you must change, but that each attempt to do so will sap your strength and well-being and result in weight gain, making you more of a failure.

The question to then ask yourself is whom does this serve?

Perhaps it is easiest to answer that it serves capitalism. It does.

However, there is this relationship between capitalism and racism where they serve each other, except it is not just racism but other types of bigotry as well; the weight loss industry benefits a lot from the sexist double standard.

It's something that I think about a lot personally; I have worked on dealing with my own feelings about my fat a lot. There's been progress, but it's still not a thrill. 

On a broader level, I am becoming more aware all the time of the need to fight fascism -- which benefits greatly from racism and sexism and every stupid patriarchal prejudice -- and we can't afford to lose you.

Maybe it's just because I see so many people I care about (mainly women) feeling less because of their body, not even able to know what is good about their body, but there are so many better things to do, and you are needed. 

There is so much power among us, and capitalism would have us fritter it away to fit a false standard set up to get your money on a repeating loop.

Don't do it.

Comprehending

The two studies from yesterday (iron absorption with unfamiliar foods and nutrient absorption with stress) I found only in Health At Every Size. The two studies for today come up in almost all of the books. 

The primary study is "Actual Causes of Death in the United States” (McGinnis and Foege, 1993):

 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpubh.2020.00279/full

It is often mentioned in relation to another "study" (I have to use the term more loosely here) by David Allison. This gave a number of 400,000 deaths per year from obesity. That number had to keep going down, because even if you trusted all of the data, the math seemed to require a lot of extrapolation and some rounding.

(Allison was highly subsidized by various companies that had a vested interest in there being an obesity crisis.)

However, Allison was not the only one to use McGinnis and Foege's work incorrectly. They fought back on a regular basis, but even hearing about that before, this time around reading Happy Fat, I understood it better.

The substance of the study was that after lots of research and data, what largely determined health outcomes was nutrition and activity. People cited that as proof of the danger of obesity, but that's not what the researchers said.

What I realized this time was that the people citing it as proof of the danger of obesity had obesity so firmly in mind as the result of low activity and poor nutrition that they could not imagine those factors not meaning obesity.

That correlation is not a given.

This is why there are terms like metabolically healthy obesity as opposed to "metabolically obese, normal weight", sometimes delightfully called "skinny fat".

I was once in a diabetes education class with a lean and muscly guy who worked on roofs all day. His typical lunch was a big bag of potato chips.

He dropped out of the class because he could not believe that he had diabetes. The diagnosis was obviously a mistake; look at him!

Equating body size with health sabotages health. 

It allows the assumption of health for people who are not healthy but are thin. 

It discourages people who are trying to become healthier (which should be possible), making them more likely to give up when they fail to become skinnier (which may not be possible). 

It makes people choose pathways that are less likely to result in good health by setting the wrong priorities.

And it allows fat-phobia to feel justified. People who take sneaky photos at the gym or cat call people out for a walk can respond to any requests for dignity by righteously making it all about health. 

Because that fat-phobia has so much reinforcement -- socially, intellectually, and financially -- it allows doctors to feel an aversion to their fat patients, where they leave tumors undiscovered or withhold care until the patient can earn that care by losing weight. Not all doctors, but too many.

Mentally, we seem to have married the idea of a slim body size with health, and that seems to have reinforced the perceived relationship between a slim body size and the worth of the individual.

All of those ideas need to get divorced.

Absorption

I recently decided to quit buying baby carrots.

Yes, I am aware that they are simply carved out of regular size but unshapely carrots -- not young carrots -- but it made them remarkably convenient. I could put them on the table with a quick rinse and people would eat them, but I could also cook them with a roast or a few other recipes, and everyone liked them either way. They just worked well for us.

That was largely because they tasted good, and they don't anymore.

I don't know if they are coming from a different farm, or a different breed of carrot, or if the issue is the soil (we don't talk about soil depletion enough), but lately eating them has just been a chore.

It may also be a chore that accomplishes nothing.

There were two studies mentioned close together in Health At Every Size.

One took a group of Thai women and Swedish women and fed them a traditional Thai meal. The Thai women -- eating a familiar food -- absorbed 50% more iron.

Now, just because a food is unfamiliar doesn't mean it has to stay that way; you can eventually become more fond of your green smoothie or quinoa or protein bars.

In addition, there are some tricky things about iron absorption, where you might expect any nutritional difficulties to be more pronounced with iron than with other vitamins and minerals.

There still may be some self-sabotage to designing nutritious meals that you hate.

That is not the only factor. In the other study, they had a woman drinking a nutrient drink. She started just drinking, then began having to complete tasks with people talking in each ear. Although she kept drinking, she stopped absorbing nutrients.

Whether it is Slim-Fast or Ensure, drinking it at your desk while working may not be that beneficial.

There are cases to be made in here for mindful eating and for trying to reduce stress (so many good reasons to reduce stress, so much stress to work with), but also there is a real argument for enjoying your food.

This is a shame, because people so often feel guilty about that. 

It's also not the easiest balance to achieve, because highly processed foods are chemically engineered to make you love them, and developing a taste for more natural and nutritious food can take some effort. 

I maintain that all of it becomes easier if you can get over desperately wanting your body to look a certain way and hating that it doesn't. 

But also, once again individuality rears its head.

Coriander is a herb with many health benefits. We also call it cilantro, and somewhere between 4 to 14% of the population thinks it tastes like soap. It's genetic. Some of us genetically have an intense hatred of cruciferous vegetables.

That's me, actually, with the cruciferous vegetables; I am fine with cilantro. (I think lavender smells soapy, so I don't really like that.)

Actually, for me it is more when cruciferous vegetables are cooked. Those people who say roasting Brussels sprouts makes them taste like candy... well, it's just a genetic difference between us; I shouldn't hold it against you.

I can shred raw Brussels sprouts as a salad base and like them. I can sometimes deal with cabbage and broccoli if they are only very lightly cooked, but I never truck with cauliflower. 

I have decided that's okay; there are lots of other vegetables out there. It wasn't a total surrender or I would never have tried the salad with the shredded sprouts, but whatever food group you are looking at, there are a lot of options. There are many different varieties of fruits, vegetables, grains, proteins, and cheeses, and myriad ways of preparing them. You should be able to find ones that work for you.

There is definitely room for improvement in agriculture and access (which should include talking about soil depletion), but you don't have to follow anyone else's formula on how to be healthy. Their needs may be specifically different from yours.

Personally, if I go a few days without meat, I am going to start biting people. I'm not saying that's ideal, but I know it about myself, and so I work with what I know about my body.