Gina Harris's Blog, page 38

An analogy taken from real life

In a process that is going much more quickly than my emotional growth and healing, we are replacing all the floors in the house. 

The house is a year older than I am, and maybe we have other similarities. However, they might finish today, and I certainly will not.

We are not doing the skilled work, but there has still been a lot for us to do. Everything needs to be moved away and moved back -- possibly with a few temporary moves in between -- for the floors to come up.

I have a few new bruises. I felt them before they appeared, but the one that really hurt took longer to appear than the other. I don't know why it was like that, but I could tell it was coming.

We are switching from mostly carpets to all vinyl plank. This is very practical with our penchant for taking in animals, including ones with certain problems.

It looks great, but there is some getting used to it, which we have barely started yet since everything is still in an uproar. One difference is that the sound reverberates more; the carpet dampened that some. It makes perfect sense but I had not thought of it before.

The contractors have had to remove all the carpet and padding, take care of any flooring issues underneath, and then install the planks. That part is done and now the baseboards are being applied, which also requires some removals and a lot of fitting.

This house is comparatively old, which means it has seen some wear. However, it was also built pretty sturdy. We have been pleasantly surprised to discover no dry rot. There was an area that was missing some boards underneath, apparently from when insulation was added. That took care of some creaking, but the biggest help for that was tightening loose boards, of which there were many. Still, the wood was solid; it just needed some reinforcement. 

There is so much garbage to haul away!

I also have been looking below and finding all sorts of things coming up, some with some pain (not always when and how I expect it). It really does make some things feel different, and maybe amplified.

The amazing thing is that I appear to be pretty sturdy. I am not sure where that came from.

A lot of garbage does come up.

And I will not be done tonight.

(I am aware of the C. S. Lewis analogy. It is more involved.)

On the paternal side...

I watched Encanto relatively late, so I saw a lot of comments without context. Regardless, I remember a lot of people tweeting about the relationships, especially with the grandmother.

They hated her.

One of the most interesting things (and this came up somewhat with Turning Red and Everything Everywhere All At Once too) was this understanding that we have moved from stories where there are dead parents not getting in your way to living parents that you have to deal with, trauma included.

Without really getting into the history of animated storytelling and fairy tale traditions, the other thing I remember pretty clearly was a divide, with Latinx people being more willing to retain a relationship with Grandma, understanding why she was the way she was, and recognizing the behavior patterns of other family members as well.

It seemed white people were more likely to cast off hurtful relatives forever. That was not an official study, just what seemed to be observable. Perhaps a certain amount of privilege makes people a little more callous, or maybe we focus more on boundaries now.

Personally, I can relate to being unable to deal with any imperfections backed by a fear so terrible that it can't even be openly acknowledged openly that any crack of imperfection will result in the collapse of everything else, and that gives me some sympathy for Abuela..

But I also don't talk to my father. For what it's worth, we're white.

I have written about that relationship a lot, and I don't intend to rehash everything here. The key points are that there was a lot of damage, I have been healing, and I am going over these things now as part of this last round of healing.

The last breakthrough was associating my feelings of inferiority with my father's unhappiness and with my need to overcompensate and fix everything for everyone. It is possible that came through because of something that happened in February.

Of my father's five children, he has one that is in contact with him, so we sometimes hear things. It had become clear that we could start talking to him again like nothing ever happened. We weren't interested, but without us being forgiven, we could have our deficiencies ignored.

Then, when he was digitizing old slides, he sent all of us e-mail with the slides attached. Through the grapevine we knew he asked if we had said anything.

I felt I needed to respond. I wrote a long message pouring everything out, and deleted it.

Then I wrote a shorter message:

Hello,

I know it's been a while since you sent these. I was worried that it was rude not to respond, but what I could say seemed like it would be worse than not responding. I think it is important to say this, and I hope you will read it.

The last time you disowned me (and everyone else), I decided I was not going to contact you until the divorce was done and the house secured. After that, I would reach out to you. I was thinking even then that I would say that it has to be different; that it can't always be me walking on eggshells trying not to set you off. By the time it was over, I was tired, and I didn't have it in me to reach out to you. Maybe it was because I could not believe that it would change, where you would try harder. It was always your way or the highway.

After the big one, where you didn't speak to me for two and a half years, I was so happy when you told me you wanted to start over, and so full of love for you, I did not even think about how you didn't say that you were sorry. I did know that if we ever fought again, there would be no coming back from it. That is why I was always remembering to send you messages about things you would find interesting, or finding things to say in conversation that backed up what you were saying, even though you would still contradict me. That was exhausting. Every time I would see e-mail from you I would get this knot in my stomach, wondering what it was now, even knowing that I had just written recently and it was probably just a reply. That's what having a relationship with you is like.

I want to be clear that I do love you. I don't even really feel angry at you, but if I look at the strength that I have and the strength that you take, I can't do it.

If I had made different choices and my life was easier, maybe I could. That's on me.

If I thought that there could be any joy in it for me, or that even if it were very hard that it could do you good, I could find a way to keep you in my life. That part is on you. That is from you never putting your love for us above your pride.

And that you would just send us an e-mail stuffed with photos, with no message, with no apologies or expressions of concern or anything, and then expect us to respond to that, shows me that nothing has changed.

For the way you have been, you are lucky that Misty is willing to stay in touch with you. I hope you appreciate her, and try and be good to her.

Gina

This is what I got back:

Hello Gina,

Sending those pictures was an afterthought. My thought was to send them to Misty and she could forward them but it occurred to me I could send them direct. One point, I never disowned any of you. It was the other way around. I sent a letter to each of you with the question of wanting to be in my life or not and all, with the exception of Lance said yes we want to be in your life. However that never happened. I am your father and you will never be out of my life. I do think about you all and what we are missing.

Dad

There was nothing to write back.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/03/disowning-scoreboard.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/02/always-somehow-wrong.html

What Mr. Rogers said

Before I get to my father, I need to talk about someone very different from him: Fred Rogers.

Back in 2018 when Won't You Be My Neighbor, the Mr. Rogers documentary came out, my sisters and I went to see it in the theater.

There was a question that really unsettled me because I couldn't answer it. Then, after the movie, my sisters asked me about it because they couldn't either. 

I would sometimes think about it and try and find the exact quote, but I never could. As I started writing these last few posts, I could not stop thinking about it. I streamed the video and played and paused that part until I had the whole thing down.

It came just before the ending, and I think it was edited for clarity, so there are some ellipses. This is how we heard what affected us so strongly.

“From the time you were very little, you've had people who have smiled you into smiling, who have talked you into talking, sung you into singing, loved you into loving...

Now think about somebody who's helped you along the way. For one minute, I'm going to time you... Let's just take some time to think of those extra special people... Some of them may be right here. Some may be far away. Some may even be in Heaven. No matter where they are, deep down you know they've always wanted what was best for you. They've always cared about you beyond measure and have encouraged you to be true to the best within you.”

They showed different people who had been interviewed throughout the film, thinking, and then sometimes saying whom they had thought of. Most of them were teary, but smiling too. The last three they showed were his two sons and then his wife, and she just said "Thank you" and then it went into the credits. (Though there was a great addition during the credits.)

My memory had been about there not being someone that I could just count on and trust completely, which is not exactly what is says, but is implied. It felt wrong to not be able to think of someone, kind of awful if there wasn't, but also kind of awful if there had been and I'd never noticed.

Looking at the words now, as they were said, sure, there have been people who have helped me along the way, but there is so much more love implied in the rest of it. What it seems to be getting at is someone who cherishes you, and I don't think I have had that.

Again, I do not doubt that either of my parents loved me, but being able to feel it matters too. That's what was lacking.

That my sisters couldn't answer either at least makes it not just me.

I will be spending more time on parental trauma, but there is something else about Mr. Rogers: I didn't like his show that much.

The movie talks about his quietness, and how it shouldn't have worked. I liked the faster, louder, funnier shows better. My favorite was The Electric Company; I really only watched Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood for the puppets.

I see more clearly now that you need quiet times for learning and growth, but it can also be really uncomfortable. That pain that needs to come forward, well, it's coming forward: Shove it away! Away!

More than a decade ago I was blogging about my life and how after my father disowned me the first time (that will come up next week) I threw myself into a ton of activities and work, unable to be still. 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html

In retrospect, that may have started earlier. In fact, I did sit quietly all the time reading, but reading can be a great way of avoiding your own life. It doesn't have to function that way, but it can.

There was a gift that Mr. Rogers was offering that I was not ready to accept.

I think I have made some progress now, but it was a long time to wait.

Considering missing relationships, part 1

Two week ago in writing about grief, I wrote about how it can be reasonable to look at what spaces a relationship filled in your life (after a death), and if there were things that you should do to fill or rearrange those spaces.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/09/making-room-for-grief-and-healing.html

Those thoughts rose very logically from reading about other people and thinking about that, but then there was this ping, Oh, is that you?

The day after I posted the blog, I saw this Tweet:

https://twitter.com/mochamomma/status/1575612609096650752 

Today at grief group: when you consent to love another human being you're also consenting to grieve them.

Now I can think of nothing else.

It was very clear that I needed to go over both of my parental relationships. 

I didn't procrastinate, but I was not looking forward to it either.

One reason was that I was afraid I would turn out to be a total ingrate, not appreciating anything about my parents or acknowledging any need of them. I already have a fair amount of guilt knowing so many people whose parents are no longer living, and both of mine are and yet... we'll spend more time on that.

My other concern would be that it would turn out that I am heartless and cold because I don't tend to really miss people. 

Perhaps it is significant here that I had wondered if I should go over other people who had died or who were gone from my life for some other reason. Maybe someday that will be important, but it's not an issue for now.

I love people and enjoy spending time with them, but then when they are not around I function fine in their absence. Fortunately, my best friends are good about remembering me, and if someone actively needs me I am likely to have a dream or something telling me, but I don't think about it.

Having gone over it now, I believe that is more a matter of habit than heartlessness. There were times when I was friendless enough or on my own enough in my formative years that I just got very self-contained. Is it a completely positive trait? Doubtful, but it seems to mostly work out. Living alone might not be a great idea for me, though, especially with working from home.

I don't doubt that either of my parents loved me, though then those relationships diverge a lot, and there is too much there to treat them together.

Here is the background for anyone that doesn't know: my mother has advanced dementia. From 2016 to 2020 I was her full-time caregiver, and the "caregiver burnout" diagnosis remains on my medical record. 

Once she lost her memories of us, she needed more stimulation than I could provide, so we moved her into a facility with a lot of activities, and that has worked very well. I know we made the right choices at the right times, but there has been a lot of hurt over a long period of time. 

I see her every week or two (I do some medical testing that her anticoagulant requires), but she does not know me. The biggest parts of her care are handled by other people.

So even though she is living, and in my life, it is not the same; what potential holes does that leave?

I have been fiercely protective of her since the age of 9. Do I need someone to feel protective about? Probably not.

We had good times and generally got along well as adults. That was not just the two of us, usually, but also my younger sisters, whom I live with. When the three of us continue to have good times and get along pretty well, that absence is not as bad as it could be. Plus, I am the one who doesn't miss people so much.

When I was younger, I felt like she was always nagging about my weight and cleaning my room. I think now that I heard it more than she said it, but what was missing was knowing that I wasn't just fat and untidy. It was a weird thing finding out later that she always bragged about us to other people. That was not weird for her; you correct the flaws in your children, because they need to know. It was assumed that I would know the good things about myself. 

I did, actually. What I didn't know was that the good things could be enough for me to be loved and enjoyed and worth being around. I mostly know that now, but not knowing then was a real problem, and it's one I feel disloyal admitting now. Parental relationships can be complicated, and that will be even more true when we get to my father.

The hassles about my weight were very much built into the culture of the time, which hasn't improved that much, even if my understanding of it has. She constantly worried about her own weight as well.

For my room, I believe part of the problem was that cleaning was so much what Mom did, and what she was amazing at. Yes, you could say "acts of service" was her love language, but also cleaning was her avocation.

I miss how clean she kept the house. I can't keep up with it the way she could. 

Technically, I am probably a better cook than she was, but I liked the things she made. There were some of them that I never learned to make, and I can't ask now. 

Her taking care us of in those ways was her primary way of demonstrating her love, and I miss that. Whether that is more for the tangible results or because it meant there was someone there caring, well, it's probably a mix.

I have goals about getting the housecleaning on more of a schedule, and theoretically you can hire people for that (we can't afford it, but it's a thing people can do), but it will not be a manifestation of love and caring that way again. (Unless my sisters just take it over, but they have the same loss; all we can do is cooperate on that one.)

There is sadness here, and it is harder for this limbo state, where she is here but not really. It is appropriate to be sad about that.

It is also reasonable that limited healing is available while things are this way. I know there is a change that will come at some point, but those are all unknowns. Currently, it is sadness, but manageable.

I also believe that there is a future where all of those temporal problems are past. As she learns everything that she missed, that is going to hurt her, but we understand, and she will understand the things that we didn't handle better, because we love each other, and that will survive.

But for now what I need most for that loss is a cleaner house. 

That may make me unsentimental and hard-hearted, but it may also mean that sometimes when I despair about needing to clean the bathroom or figure out what to make for dinner again, maybe it isn't really that so much as that I miss Mom. 

If that's a factor, it's better to know. I can be more realistic about what is needed.

All better?

I had a breakthrough a few months ago. 

I am only writing about it now because at the time it was almost too easy to write about. Kind of anticlimactic, and not as resolved as one might hope. I did know I would get to it eventually.

I have written before about this unbearable grief that comes upon me during movies, where I am crying verging on hysteria. I have known there was sadness, and that it was connected to home and family, especially parents. I have worried that at some point it would all break out, and I would be left crying helplessly for days, which made me hesitant to pursue it that hard.

(I most recently wrote about this last year: https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/02/wild-abandon.html)

Then, the night of June 3rd, I did. 

Over the few months preceding I had watched Encanto, Seeing Red, and Everything Everywhere All At Once. The parental themes of those movies probably played a role, but also with the last one... it really shows how life beats you down. I related to that.

It had been on my mind, and after I went to bed I decided to just let it come.

My father was never happy with me. I could not fix that.

That was it.

To be fair, it was knowledge that I already had. I'd figured out a while ago that my sense of there always being something wrong with me came from my father's dissatisfaction with me, and figured out that the real problem was that he was dissatisfied with himself.

I had also been aware of my overinflated sense of responsibility and desire to fix the world, and known that it was not really possible.

Apparently I had not quite connected before that the first thing was the reason for the second thing, even though it is entirely logical. I was trying to make up for my shortcomings by taking care of everyone else.

Maybe what was different that night was the clarity with which I understood that this was not my responsibility.

It was so simple and easy that my reaction was "Huh."

I didn't need to cry about it. Maybe that's because it was all old news, or I had cried enough previously, but maybe it was just relief. So many times when there is a breakthrough it means more to work on. This was freeing.

I think that's where the hysteria came from: the sheer extent of how overwhelming it was to need to fix the whole world to be worth something. That was a big burden removed.

Even at the time I realized that there were still things to figure out. I still care about other people and want to do good things. There's still room for figuring out what I can do and doing it. That "Now what?" was already there.

I'm not saying I have that all figured out. 

I can say that Minari did not wreck me. I bet Coco still would, but I can probably be "normal" with most movies now. 

I do seem to feel things more now, in general. Apparently, recovering from the one really bad hangup requires less compartmentalization. That's okay; it is not overwhelming.

I suspect this is a good time to write about it because I just discovered something else that I really needed to do. 

Without saying that it's something I was eager to do, it was manageable.

That's worth a lot.

Making room for grief and healing

Last week's post had a reference to worrying about my dog.

At the time of that writing session we had a vet appointment. We ended up going to the emergency vet earlier and finding that her lungs were full of cancer. It was while writing that I decided we couldn't wait, and began to know what would happen.

Preparing for this post had another long journal session. Not everything that I needed to write for myself will matter for everyone, but I hope that what I write here can be practical for some.

Even with my belief in the afterlife, and that these separations are not permanent, they hurt. It's reasonable that they hurt. It's easy to try and skip to the comfort part, but that really only makes things worse. This is all part of being human.

As humans, we sometimes struggle with seeming contradictions, like the opposing needs to mourn and to be comforted. That can lead to the attempt to skip over mourning to get straight to healing, but it might also result is resisting the healing because of guilt. 

We have to accept that uneasy balance.

Actually, I am leading to a point of healing about something parental; we should get there next week. For now, there are three things about Adele from which I want to try and pull some lessons.

The first relates to the disruption in what you are used to.

I can feel very sad hearing about the death of someone that I care for but haven't seen for a while; we all have. With someone who has been playing a larger role in your life, there are more frequent reminders.

I first noticed this with our first greyhound, Jake. He was always at the door when you came in or out, and he did that for eleven years. Going in or out after he was gone left a sharp pain for a while.

Adele was my roommate for eight years. Every time I see her bed, or when it is time for her pill but I don't need to give it to her, or when we don't need to put the stick back in the door because she didn't go out into the back yard, I feel her absence. It has been less than two weeks; this is still pretty fresh. 

It probably makes sense to let the bed go, but that empty space will still be noticed. That just takes time. In other instances, there may be more changes to make. 

One of the great practical things about human healing is that you still need to eat and drink and go to the bathroom. That pulls you along -- maybe even forward -- whether you like it or not. For things that we can avoid, we may need to make changes but keep putting it off.

If you have lost someone who always did the cooking or the vacuuming, what are the new ways of taking care of that? Did you always used to sit with them? Are Tuesday nights suddenly free?

One of the books I have been thinking about is Crying in H-Mart by Michelle Zauner. After her mother's death, her father would call about the loss and his devastation, and then eventually he moved to Thailand. That seemed extreme, but sometimes things need shaking up. Truthfully, some shaking up already happened; now you're trying to regain equilibrium. 

It makes sense to look at not just the relationship, but the patterns that were built around it. Ideally, examining that can be a part of honoring the relationship. It also is accepting the right to heal. You will feel pain, but it shouldn't always hurt that much

One thing making Adele's loss a little harder is a certain sense of finality. This house has not been without a dog since 1978. At times, there have been as many as five dogs, but there was only one cat then. Now we have six cats, which could make introducing a new dog tricky.

Most of those cats and dogs were not exactly premeditated. I suspect at some point there will be at least one more dog who needs us, and we will take that dog in, because that's who we are. We are not in a position to seek out a new dog though, and there is some pain with that.

There are relationships you don't get back, at least not on this side, but there are roles that are still there. You can find other people who will care about you, listen to you, give you good advice, be glad to see you, need your help with things... not as replacements, but as an expansion of your connections. 

That is not easy, but it's beautiful.

It does require being willing to love more, which also means being willing to lose again. That takes courage, and effort, but it's worthwhile.

Speaking of that dog and six cats... I would worry sometimes about the cats getting more attention, because they can get in your laps or sit next to you and purr. Actually, when Jake first came to us, he got more attention than Laddie (collie) and RK (sheltie) because he asked for it more. With that worry I made sure to remember to talk to Adele and pet her and to not neglect her.

That's the thing that helps most with the guilt: we don't ever know how long we will have an animal, but while they are with us we can make their life good, and that's what we do.

That part of healing works better if you think of it before the separation.

Again, this is hard. I keep thinking of needing to reach out to people, and then finding other things I need to do. Then I will text three friends in one night, perhaps an over-correction, but that led to one long phone call with one friend, and getting together with another. Even if we can't spend as much time as we would like, we can keep the interactions that we do have kind.

Finally, just in case anyone is offended at comparisons between humans and dogs and cats, you're right, it is very different. My pets can never mess me up like a family member can, and I cannot choose to have any family members put down (which is probably for the best). 

Nonetheless, some of the emotions are the same.

Honoring your brain

Maybe you noticed I skipped last week.

There were two primary reasons that I did not feel able to write.

One is content. I was planning on spending more time on capitalism, and how it combines with racism as part of dominator culture. Writing about my job woes seemed like a reasonable springboard for that, and it is always relevant, but I think I need to spend some time on more emotional things.

The other is more technical, in that even though I had this idea for the switch, no words were flowing.

One of my job woes is less time for reading, where it wasn't even strictly time so much as the mental capacity and energy I had left after a work day or week. 

I have been doing really well recently at seizing time here and there and making progress in books. I have been taking in a lot of information.

It put me into this state... I am not sure that the right word is overstimulation, but there were too many concepts coming in, and not enough getting out.

That sounds like blogging would be an antidote: get some thoughts out. 

I do get into states where my ideas on a specific topic are very clear, and then writing about it is easy. Lots of thoughts on multiple topics does not flow.

Sometimes I will make lists, perhaps with little drawings, but this time I did a journal session where I was alternating between scheduling which e-books I was going to read and thoughts I'd had during my scripture study and which Marvel series I wanted to watch and my worries about the dog, plus working out the songs of the day.

It went on for four pages. It helped, though I believe I need at least one more session like that. 

On frequent thought lately is that you can't do everything. I don't like giving things up, but I keep having to do it. 

When feeling like I was actually getting better at accomplishing some of my goals there, but that it was possibly taking me away from other things (like being able to blog or even write a coherent journal entry about an emotional issue), that was a real concern.

It looks like I can maintain this pace, but it requires writing out things that I have been able to mentally track in my head or at least on a spreadsheet. There are more now.

I may still have to slow down some of it, at least to incorporate other things. However, it is helpful to understand how your own brain works and what it needs.

I suppose it is a form of self-care. Lowering my expectations could be another form, but does not seem to be the most needed form at this time.

Remember when I was telling mission stories? It took me a long time to figure out how to study Lao effectively for me. It turned out that I needed to write it. I remember someone had given us a box of old church magazines and I really wanted to spend time reading them (perhaps it was book withdrawal). If I had just realized sooner, writing translations of them would have been perfect. It would have given me new vocabulary and writing it out would have reinforced it in my brain.

When I was in school, before that, other than maybe an hour in TAG talking about the differences between visual, auditory, and kinesthetic learning styles, we didn't really talk much about how to learn. Much like sports, it seemed like you were either good at it or you weren't. I was a natural at learning; sports not so much.

Learning was so easy, but I would periodically hit snags that I had to work out on my own. There was very little helpful advice out there.

Some things I have figured out by overanalyzing everything, but following a lot of neurodivergent people on Twitter helps. I don't even know if it is that I get that many tips, but it has done a lot to eliminate worrying about what is weird and normal or right.

Don't sell yourself short; you may just not have found the write method or combination of methods yet.

The Everything Bagel

"You've been feeling it too, haven't you? Something is off. Your clothes never wear as well the next day. Your hair never falls quite the same way. Even your coffee tastes wrong. Our institutions are crumbling. Nobody trusts their neighbor anymore. And you stay up at night wondering to yourself..."  Alpha Waymond, Everything Everywhere All At Once

The posts about me hating my job and exploring the factors that go into that (I hope) illustrated how things go wrong, often with capitalism as the primary culprit.

It is not the only culprit, and we will spend more time on that, but I remembered this part of the movie.

The quote can simply create a mood, but we may be surprised by the break down.

Your clothes never wear as well the next day:

I'll start with my weakest link, but it is still interesting.

One potential issue is use of fabric softener. These products coat your clothing, and may lead to your clothes not being (or smelling) truly clean. This may be a reason for the popularity of scent beads.

https://mygreencloset.com/never-use-fabric-softener/

These are things that are not good for you, your clothes, your appliances, or the planet, but they are still widely advertised.

It is probably more to the point that mass-produced clothes are often produced cheaply, where you will have threads coming out, making seams sloppy, or if they are the threads holding the elastic in place that can really mess with the structure. 

Plus, you may also notice that clothes being the same size, even for the same brand and design, don't always fit the same way. This could be a function of the fabric cutting, where multiple cloth segments are being cut at once, not all with the same amount of fabric, or where the stitching does not work out exactly the same.

https://www.thread.com/us/tips/men/style-sos/style-sos-why-does-same-size-fit-differently/

This is worse with cheaper brands, but only being able to afford cheap clothes probably means there are many areas that aren't going as well for you.

(And if you're fat... )

Your hair never falls quite the same way:

Personally, my hair texture is difficult tough to match. Pantene used to work really well for me. Hairdressers tended to hate Pantene, but I could afford it, and my hair felt good. They changed the formula. I found a good fit with Shea Moisture, but then they changed the formula for that.

The really annoying thing with that is apparently the change was to try and get more white customers. (I am not Black, but my hair has some similarities.) I was ditched again, though my sisters are still using Shea Moisture. (Their hair is more conventional.)

I keep bouncing around with different brands, some working better than others. If I had more disposable income, that would help, but there would be lots of other places to use that first.

Of course, climate changes that result in more hot, humid days can have a big effect on hair. Also the water we are getting may have some problems, but that may be more of a factor for...

Even your coffee tastes wrong:

https://www.discovery.com/science/unsafe-drinking-levels-in-rainwater

In the Willamette Valley, we drink rainwater, but it does come through the water district; one hopes it's fine, but food gets watered by rain. 

I don't drink coffee, but I eat fruits and vegetables and grain products; what is coming out of the sky matters. 

Plus, so much of that (and the food for the animals we eat) is grown in depleted soil.

Lately a lot of meat just doesn't taste that great. I still have my sense of smell, so it's not that. 

I have long been aware of the difference between beef grown on feeding lots versus beef raised by 4-H kids. I mostly understand the reasons for that, but what if everything is getting worse? What if you have depleted soil as the source of the grass or hay or alfalfa or corn, plus rain water full of chemicals, and that is what tired, overworked people find on their plates?

You can argue that the crumbling institutions and the neighbors not trusting each other are bigger issues, but the "small" issues all relate.

With my job getting busier, and medical offices getting busier, people are spending more time on hold. That is less of a problem than the other barriers to care and to healthy lifestyles, but it still sucks.

It's not because of a giant bagel across parallel realities, but many things -- big life issues and small pleasures that could take some edge off of the larger difficulties -- are collapsing inward in a vortex of suck.

Have you been feeling it too?

Musical Interlude

I will return to society's collapse and fighting it soon, but sometimes one needs to lighten up.

For daily songs I had been doing ten songs per year for the '80s, running from 1980 through 1989, and paused from May 1st through July 11th, as discussed in two other posts.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/06/messy-and-mattering-mays-daily-songs.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/07/black-music-month-pride-month.html

I just posted the last song from 1989 yesterday, but one thing I found with the songs from that year is I could really see the different trends that would be around in the 90s. There is more hip hop and dance, but also things that were heading toward alternative, and probably some things you could call neo-soul. I decided to do 1990 too. 

Often when I go over a daily song project I will list the songs by date at the end. In this case, that would be 120 songs, because 1984 was so notable for songs from soundtracks that I did ten songs from movies, and then ten not from movies.

I have listed more songs than that before, but I want to do something else instead.

Going over this, and getting some questions about our postponed 30 year class reunion, I started to think about a playlist that would encapsulate the class of 1990's time at Aloha High School. It was a three year school then, so going in the day after Labor Day, 1987, and coming out the second Sunday in June 1990, what were all of the number one songs for that time period?

I made that list. And then I didn't like it that much.

I mean, that's not surprising. I love a lot of songs that didn't really chart, and detest a few that did.

Amazingly, there is at least one song I have never heard, "Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson. (There is a lot of Michael Jackson.) I have heard of the song, but having no memory of it I assumed it came earlier or later in time. No, it was right in the thick of things.

And Steve Winwood's "Roll With It" spent 4 weeks at number 1? Why?

I think it was a good musical time in general, though maybe not as good as 1984-1986, but yeah, not my favorites at number one.

I realize that questions of taste can become heated. If your musical taste is bad, it would be wrong of me to hold it against you.

So, for your own perusal, here are the Billboard Number One songs from September 7th, 1987 through June 10th, 1990

(I might make a playlist of the daily songs I chose from 1980 through 1990. Those were good.)

1987
“La Bamba” by Los Lobos
“I Just Can't Stop Loving You” by Michael Jackson
“Didn't We Almost Have It All” by Whitney Houston
“Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake
“Lost In Emotion” by Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
“Bad” by Michael Jackson
“I Think We're Alone Now” by Tiffany
“Mony Mony (live)” by Billy Idol
“(I've Had)} The Time of My Life” by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
“Heaven Is A Place On Earth” by Belinda Carlisle
“Faith” by George Michael

1988

(“Faith” by George Michael lasted into the new year)
”So Emotional” by Whitney Houston
“Got My Mind Set On You” by George Harrison
“The Way You Make Me Feel” by Michael Jackson
“Need You Tonight” by INXS
“Could've Been” by Tiffany
“Seasons Change” by Exposé
“Father Figure” by George Michael
“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley
“Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson
“Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” by Billy Ocean
“Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston
“Wishing Well” by Terence Trent D'Arby
“Anything For You” by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
“One More Try” by George Michael
“Together Forever” by Rick Astley
“Foolish Beat” by Debbie Gibson
“Dirty Diana” by Michael Jackson
“The Flame” by Cheap Trick
“Hold On To the Nights” by Richard Marx
“Roll With It” by Steve Winwood
“Monkey” by George Michael
“Sweet Child O' Mine” by Guns N' Roses
“Don't Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin
“Love Bites” by Def Leppard
“Red Red Wine” by UB40
“A Groovy Kind of Love” by Phil Collins
“Kokomo” by The Beach Boys
“Wild, Wild West” by The Escape Club
“Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi
“Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley” by Will To Power
“Look Away” by Chicago
“Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison

1989

(“Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison lasted into the new year)
“My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown
“Two Hearts” by Phil Collins
“When I'm With You” by Sheriff
“Straight Up” by Paula Abdul
“Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson
“The Living Years” by Mike + the Mechanics
“Eternal Flame” by The Bangles
“The Look” by Roxette
“She Drives Me Crazy” by Fine Young Cannibals
“Like A Prayer” by Madonna
“I'll Be There For You” by Bon Jovi
“Forever Your Girl” by Paula Abdul
“Rock On” by Michael Damian
“Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler
“I'll Be Loving You (Forever)” by New Kids on the Block
“Satisfied” by Richard Marx
“Baby Don't Forget My Number” by Milli Vanilli
“Good Thing” by Fine Young Cannibals
“If You Don't Know Me By Now” by Simply Red
“Toy Soldiers” by Martika
“Batdance” by Prince
“Right Here Waiting” by Richard Marx
“Cold Hearted” by Paula Abdul
“Hangin' Tough” by New Kids on the Block
“Don't Wanna Lose You” by Gloria Estefan
“Girl I'm Gonna Miss You” by Milli Vanilli
“Miss You Much” by Janet Jackson
“Listen To Your Heart” by Roxette
“When I See You Smile” by Band English
“Blame It On The Rain” by Milli Vanilli
“We Didn't Start the Fire” by Billy Joel
“Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins

1990 (through June 10th)

(“Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins lasted into the new year)
“How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton
“Opposites Attract” by Paula Abdul with The Wild Pair
“Escapade” by Janet Jackson
“Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles
“Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dayne
“I'll Be Your Everything” by Tommy Page
“Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinéad O'Connor
“Vogue” by Madonna
“Hold On” by Wilson Phillips

("It Must Have Been Love” by Roxette was the next number one for us new high school graduates.)

Falling apart: Global

There is one more factor driving call volume. 

It is not the one that gives us the most extra calls, but it has such a pronounced impact in other ways that addressing it is important.

Of course I am referring to global warming.

Medicaid programs frequently have a program attached for flexible funding. It can be used when there is something that would be helpful for health but is not a medical procedure. Perhaps the medical procedure you need is only done at a few locations, none of them close. Flexible funding could provide for travel. Perhaps eating healthy meals would be more possible with a small investment in cookware.

Usually those applications are filled out by doctors, who are familiar with the individual medical needs so can speak to the risks and benefits. However, offices are backed up, and for a seasonal need there is a good chance that the patient would not be able to get in on time.

That is why we are submitting the requests for assistance with air conditioning.

That is not ideal. We can't give a real medical reason. Sometimes they may mention a condition where heat would have an impact, but really, if they see that they can get assistance with air conditioning or purifying, of course that sounds good. They will call, and we will put the request in.

The obvious driver there is that we live in an area where the climate was once milder. Housing is not set up for the new reality, especially older housing. It does get hotter now, and less predictably. That affects comfort, ability to do other things, and yes, health.

It is perhaps less obvious that if we go back to the original staffing shortages caused by COVID, that climate change may play a role in the spread of new diseases.

It's not the only factor. Certainly as habitat loss causes humans and non-humans to come closer together, that increases the risk of zoonotic diseases spreading, and air pollution can have a profound effect on lung health even without a rise in overall temperature. The point is that environmental health and individual health are connected.

If the medical industry got short-staffed with COVID, what will happen when you add monkeypox and polio to the mix?

Last week when I was asking the wrapping up questions, like "is your sense of well-being wrapped up in other people not having their needs met in demonstration of the fact that you are worth more?"... that felt like I might be going a little too hard too early. It still seemed necessary.

This series sort of started with how unbearable my job is right now. I am just one person, but the factors that make my life difficult affect many others, and they are tied in with other factors that affect more people, with an influence that will continue to grow.

That sounds dire, but it doesn't have to be. We can make things better, if we decide to.

Please. Not just for me.