Gina Harris's Blog, page 37

Christmas Break

No posts until Saturday this week. Be merry!

Read: Loveless and Gender Queer

On a post from July 13th, I mentioned that I needed to read Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer: A Memoir. I finished it July 22nd.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/07/reading-banned-books.html

Reading it was part of my interest in challenged books, but getting to it that soon also reflects a personal change in how I do things. If I am interested in a book and the library has it, I usually request it right away now, rather than adding it to the list. 

I mention that as a point of interest. In previous years no matter how many books I had read, the number on my To Read list didn't move, because I kept adding more. This year, my To Read list only has twenty additions from this year, and I have still made progress on the older items. I probably am more organized, but that immediate commitment makes a difference as well.

The other pertinent book was Loveless by Alice Oseman, finished on May 3rd.

I don't remember seeing anything about challenges to Loveless. I wouldn't have been surprised, but I think I just saw it on Goodreads or maybe Twitter and thought it seemed interesting.

I read books in groups because I think it helps me notice themes and make associations. Requesting books as they come up can make the order less deliberate, but things still work out.

Gender Queer is a memoir of Maia Kobabe, focusing on coming to terms with being nonbinary and asexual, while Loveless is a novel with an asexual but cisgender protagonist, Georgia.

My point goes beyond the obvious connection.

One turning point for Maia was finding pronouns that felt right, discovering and adopting Christine Elvorson's e/em/eir, and finding someone else who also used them.

In the other post, I wrote about the relief it could be to find out that you were not the only one. That played a role, but this went beyond relief; finally something felt right!

The other turning point for Maia was a change in dress, inspired by Johnny Weir. 

Previously uncomfortable leaning into femininity, Maia had tended toward very nondescript clothing. Maybe it was gender-neutral, but that could be overshadowed by how color neutral and flair neutral it was. Maybe that wasn't the truest reflection of self, but it seemed like the only possible self.

I may be projecting some there; it's been months since I read the book, and I have my own issues with choosing inoffensive, incognito dress, even if for different reasons.

For Maia, it was amazing to find ways to implement color and patterns and interest, not trying to be something e was not, so finding more fully what e was and is. A flamboyant man pointed in a direction, but it was Maia's own path. That's beautiful.

Referring once more to the banned books post, I had written how as much value as there is for people seeing themselves represented in book, there is also great importance in seeing others represented and understanding them better. 

In Loveless, part of Georgia's journey is finding other people like her, but another part is her friends trying to help her be "normal" by encouraging experimentation. That ends up causing a lot of embarrassment and hurt feelings.

It's not that Georgia was unwilling to try. She loves rom-coms and shipping fanfiction; how can romance not be something she is going to feel for herself? And how many people would even expect that being asexual and aromantic could be a thing?

That journey is important, but there was something else there.

Once Georgia was able to accept that romance could not be her be-all, end-all, she was able to do some very special things to show her friends that she loved them. Her life was not without love, but society  puts a lot of emphasis on that one type. Finding your way to romance can be a long and lonely haul. 

What if you didn't need that to have your day?

This has been a meandering post, I know. The reason for that is because it is bouncing back and forth between multiple things that are important but different. Let me try and sum up:

Diverse books are important for those represented therein.Diverse books are important for those not represented therein.Strict enforcement of patriarchy hurts those who do not conform by their gender and sexuality.Strict enforcement of patriarchy also hurts the straights.

There is so much joy available if we don't chase it away.

Acceptance

A few weeks ago on the travel blog I wrote about a visit to Bonneville Dam:

https://sporktogo.blogspot.com/2022/11/columbia-river-gorge-bonneville-dam.html 

If you haven't been reading those posts, some time ago I started adding notes about COVID and accessibility. For the COVID one, I mentioned my frustration with these updates when it feels so much like no one is trying or even cares anymore. However (despite none of the staff being masked), there was a sign encouraging mask wearing, saying "Be A Life Hero."

My own frustration aside, I can at least commit to not spreading infection.

Regardless, I am not a hero, a rather disappointing realization not too long ago.

That is what I wanted to be, where I could swoop in and stop bad things from happening. Then a lot of bad things happened; seeing them coming did nothing for prevention.

It seems that my real ability is helping to mop up after the bad things happen.

That is valuable, just not what I was hoping for.

There are two things that relate, but one is more recent.

For the old one, well, you may recall me writing about finding out things about me that I am, and that I can't not be.

I am a caregiver, and a writer, and a historian.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/06/one-more-personal-truth.html 

I had written about that, but I don't think I ever wrote about trying to see one step beyond that, and where it would lead. I did do that, and the word that came back was "healer".

I thought "teacher" would have made more sense (going along with the history and writing), but there are multiple ways of teaching and healing.

Regardless, if my most essential traits lead me toward being a healer, that implies that the injuries are going to happen more than that I will be able to stop them.

The more recent thought was to look at how many things have been so bad for so long.

It's not that new bad things don't happen. If there are possibilities of preventing some things, let's do it, but there has been room for a lot of healing for a long time. 

It wasn't always obvious; often when people remember a previous era as more innocent, they are only remembering the things they didn't have to think about or know about.

There were always others who knew and couldn't avoid knowing if they tried.

I cannot fix that, but I do not have to spread it.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/messier-than-karma.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/06/through-overwhelm.html

Sports Movies

I am not actively working on it at this time, but among my other reading lists there is a sports-themed one.

Three of my other reading lists have books that relate to baseball. As I have a few baseball-related books on Kindle, I decided to go through the Kindle sports books in general. That started with The Ultimate Book of Sports Movies: Featuring the 100 Greatest Sports Movies of All Time by Ray Didinger and Glen MacNow.

I found plenty of room for disagreement, but I suppose that's inevitable. It does seem like a good time to go over the sports movies from the book that I've seen, and the ones I'm willing to see.

Seen:

#9 Caddyshack
#13 Pride of the Yankees
#16 Miracle
#21 When We Were Kings
#26 Major League
#49 Bend It Like Beckham
#51 The Karate Kid
#62 Invincible
#75 The Express
#77 Happy Gilmore
#82 The Sandlot
#87 Glory Road
#97 Cool Runnings

Willing to See:

#2 Hoosiers
#4 The Natural
#11 Field of Dreams
#14 Hoop Dreams
#15 Brian's Song
#16 Chariots of Fire*
#19 Remember the Titans
#20 Breaking Away
#22 A League Of Their Own
#34 The Rookie
#36 Heart Like A Wheel
#37 Jim Thorpe; All-American
#43 Murderball
#53 Without Limits
#57 Rudy
#70 We Are Marshall
#71 Damn Yankees
#80 Searching For Bobby Fischer
#83 The Life and Times of Hank Greenberg
#86 Best In Show
#93 Lagaan: Once Upon A Time In India
#100 The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh

The asterisk by Chariots of Fire is that I did catch part of it on television once, and it was really boring. They mentioned that part as boring in the book, so maybe I just needed a little more patience.

Biggest disagreement: I did not like Caddyshack at all.

I know there are a lot of people who love it, but apathetic/obnoxious rich people triumphing over snooty rich people is not a great victory for me. It's nice the kid gets a scholarship. 

Perhaps it makes sense that my favorite part is the gopher, and that was their least favorite part. We just have different viewpoints.

One area of disagreement I understand is that often a movie's rating included how good the sports footage was. I get the sentiment, but that in itself is a good reason for Caddyshack to be ranked lower. That also led to...

Greatest Impact: I am more interested in seeing some movies now because of the sports action being praised.

There are a lot of these that I have never been against seeing (Hoosiers, Remember The Titans, We Are Marshall) and at least one (Brian's Song) that I have tried to see, but scheduling didn't work out. I am more interested in Heart Like A Wheel and The Natural -- both of which I knew existed -- based on the praise given.

Second Greatest Impact: I had never heard of Hank Greenberg before. He sounds interesting, but also I guess it was not just Sandy Koufax in that leaflet on Jewish Sports Heroes! (Airplane! reference.)

I would totally read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Jewish-Sports-Legends-International-Hall/dp/1496201884

Greatest Need to Revisit: They got way different things out of The Express than I did. 

Now, our sensibilities have already proven to be different enough that any subsequent differences of opinion may simply relate to that, but I think it is worth re-watching.

Not included: I went through the table of contents and thought about movies that I had seen that were not there. Dodgeball and Blades of Glory were mentioned (in "Guilty Pleasures" and in reference to Will Farrell related to Talladega Nights) but there was nothing about The Blind Side.

That movie came out in 2009, so may have just been a timing issue. I could imagine them finding that the football action wasn't that great. 

I read all three related books after seeing the movie: one by Michael Oher, one by Leigh Anne Tuohy, and The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game by Michael Lewis. Lewis's book combines the stories of the people with changes in football where large, agile players became so valuable. That is barely covered in the movie, except at the beginning with Joe Theismann's career-ending leg injury.

I found those sections of the book fascinating but knew I was not getting enough out of it. My sisters skipped those passages over. Okay, everyone has their own interests. On that note...

Most Glaring Omission: Touching the Void (2003)

Look, if there is room for movies about golf, bowling, dog shows, poker, and chess (and room to call figure skating barely a sport!), then this documentary about mountain climbing that is gripping and suspenseful, giving you a feel for the activity and its appeal but also being terrifying... seriously, how did they miss that? Because there are no playoffs?

Appreciated: They explained the artistic license used in Cool Runnings. They did with Glory Road too, but I remember seeing a few articles on the movie at the time, and also there is a book (though not easy to find). With Cool Runnings, while I was sure there was a lot that was made up, there was no easy way of guessing what was what.

Long story short: two investors witnessed the annual pushcart derby, recruited the winner and three soldiers, and gave them a good coach and training in Canada. More plausible, less dramatic. 

While the first Jamaican bobsled team performed poorly at the Olympics, they were very popular and treated well, and souvenir T-shirt sales made it sustainable. Not as dramatic as contempt from Germans and a disgraced coach, but perhaps it reflects better on humanity.

In conclusion: While I did not love the read, I might have enough love for sports and movies that after I do get through my sports reading list (which will not be any time soon), I will re-read this and see if I have changed my mind about any of the movies.

But I will not change my mind about Caddyshack.

Upcoming sports books: 

Clemente: The Passion and Grace of Baseball's Last Hero by David Maraniss
Bat 6 by Virgina Euwer Wolff
Southern League: A True Story of Baseball, Civil Rights, and the Deep South's Most Compelling Pennant Race by Larry Colton
Damn Yankees: Twenty-Four Major League Writers on the World's Most Loved (and Hated) Team edited by Rob Fleder
Canyon Dreams: A Basketball Season on the Navajo Nation by Michael Powell

Crystal Ball

Recently I was thinking about a certain relationship and wondering about its future. The impression came to me that nothing was going to happen for another five years.

I do not think that five years is an exact prediction, but more an indicator that it is not the immediate future.

Though initially discouraging, it was also freeing: don't worry about it for now.

There are two connected ideas that I will share.

I think the reason that the time period I felt was "five years" is because I have some other five year plan things going on. That partially comes from job interview questions. 

I have some 5 year goals related to study and things. One is that in 2027 I want to take the MCAT, LSAT and GMAT.

Yes, that is a vanity thing, and to the tune of about $900, but I want to know how I would do. I have in mind that part of that will be a major aptitude test, where perhaps it gives the next phase of my life some direction.

Sure, when I had that ten year plan it was shot to pieces, but you can't stop having plans just because life doesn't obey them.

(I cannot imagine any GMAT score that would motivate me to get an MBA, but the other two potential courses of study do have some appeal.)

The other thought is more about a change in mindset.

In the past, whenever I had something in the future the goal was always to lose weight by then, that being the magic bullet.

That is not actually a good goal, in terms of feasibility or mental health or even physical health, which raises the question of what is a good goal? 

How do I want to be different in five years?

I do have some thoughts there.

Certainly the way I annoy myself the most now is procrastination. I can also see that sometimes when I do that, I have hangups that I am avoiding dealing with. I would like to see improvement there. I do better sometimes, but there is room for more consistency.

In addition, I can see that one frequent obstacle is that sometimes I really need to ask for help but I do not want to. I have made some progress here, but there is room for more.

Which I guess means that my real goal is to continue in the direction I am headed, but maybe faster since there is more clarity.

Finally, in terms of goals that are good for health... as impossible as it seems to have really good health while I am working in a call center, for the next five weeks I will be in training, and I have a vacation a week after that.

This is as good a time as any to try and take better care of myself. The stress will come back, but maybe I can rearrange some things before it does, and maybe that will help.

That's where I'm at.

Hispanic Heritage Month 2022 songs

Reminder that Fridays will now feature posts on books, movies and music, starting with music.

Most recently, I have posted about combining Black Music Month with Pride Month to focus on queer Black musicians in June, and then continuing my focus on individual years of the 80s.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/07/black-music-month-pride-month.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/08/musical-interlude.html

During that time I was also doing Black Music Month reading (which I haven't actually finished yet) but it got me thinking about Motown, especially.

Hispanic Heritage Month runs from September 15th (the anniversary of the Grito de Dolores) through October 15th, and then Native American Heritage Month is in November. I was thinking that between the two, I would do Motown songs. Halloween would be "Supertition" by Stevie Wonder.  

It did not work out that way.

It's been a while since I have had time to do regular reviews, but I can still generally listen to the top ten for various artists and choose a song.

My listening for this month started with a list of musicians mentioned by Sandra Cisneros in A House of My Own. That gave me 18 artists, and I assumed I was looking to fill about 30 days. 

Well, I had also read this book, Aztlan and Viet Nam: Chicano and Chicana Experiences of the War. It had a poem in the book that was kind of humorously comparing Californian and Texan tastes, but that gave me another 5 bands. 

(Actually it gave me 6, because I wrote down the name of a reporter, Ruben Salazar, but when I was pulling up the list I forgot that he was a reporter, not a musician. There is a musician with that name, and why not give him a song?)

Then I remembered that I had taken down some band names from The First Rule of Punk by Celia C Perez also. I had reviewed some of those bands when I was still doing reviews. That gave me another 4 bands, plus I got this flautist because there was a Google Doodle, and why not?

But then I started thinking about the bands I had reviewed or used for songs at other times, because I had encountered them some other way. I wanted to bring them in.

That is why, musically, Hispanic Heritage Month extended all the way through to October 31st. Carlos Santana's "Black Magic Woman" is kind of spooky, right?

Besides, I made last October super Halloween-themed.

That's the amazing thing, and I have written this before, but whatever I dive deep into, there is always more available. So there are more Halloween songs, or more songs in a certain genre, or more songs honoring a heritage. 

Yes, I need to periodically go back to my rock (and some of these songs were rock, but not all), but I never tire of finding things I did not know.

Speaking of that, one of the books read (for Hispanic Heritage Month, not Black Music Month) was Decoding Despacito: An Oral History of Latin Music by Leila Cobo. There is a lot to listen to from that, but I need to go back to it later, after I have listened to other things. It pulls from a lot of genres I am unfamiliar with, and so I was not able to get as much out of it as was offered. 

As far as that goes, I could know more about all of these artists. Going through ten songs once and picking a song is nowhere near the understanding you get after going through the entire catalog three times.

There is always more, but in general I like it that way.

The star of the month ended up being former classmate Pablo Ojeda: showing up four times, as himself and as part of Toque Libre, Sabroso, and Rubberneck.

Daily songs:

9/15 “Oblivion” by Astor Piazolla
9/16 “Amor y Control” by Rubén Blades
9/17 “Bamboléo” by Gipsy Kings
9/18 “Gracias a la Vida” by Violeta Parra
9/19 “Altura” by Inti Illimani
9/20 “Maria Bonita” by Agustín Lara
9/21 “Sabor a Mi” by Trio Los Panchos con Eydie Gormé
9/22 “Ni por favor” by Pedro Infante
9/23 “Will the Wolf Survive?” by Los Lobos
9/24 “La Maza” by Mercedes Sosa
9/25 “Soy Rebelde” by Lydia Mendoza
9/26 “Rio Ancho” by Paco de Lucia
9/27 “Paloma Negra” by Lola Beltrán
9/28 “Ojalá” by Silvio Rodriguez
9/29 “Rie y Llora” by Celia Cruz
9/30 “No discutamos” by Lucha Villa
10/1 “Homeboy's Boogie” by Dr. Loco's Rockin' Jalapeño Band
10/2 “La Sal de la Tierra” by Juan Peña El Lebrijiano
10/3 “I Want To Be Loved” by The Royal Jesters
10/4 “Capaz de Todo” by Ruben Salazar
10/5 “Yo Ser Perder” by Snowball & Co
10/6 “Prenda Del Alma” by Los Alegres De Teran
10/7 “Las Nubes” by Little Joe y La Familia
10/8 “Soy Yo” by Bomba Estéreo
10/9 “Maybe Tonight” by Nestor Torres
10/10 “I'm Enough (I Want More) by Downtown Boys
10/11 “Volver, Volver” by Piñata Protest
10/12 “Risk It” by Alice Bag
10/13 “Blue Sofa” by The Plugz
10/14 “That Laid Back Feel” by Pablo Ojeda
10/15 "Será Porque Te Amo" by Los Tigrillos
10/16 “Necessity of Loving” by Luiz Santos
10/17 “Como Un Trueno” by Illegales
10/18 “Volver A Amar” by Jose Aguilar con Banda Sinaloense
10/19 “Nothing There” by Sabroso
10/20 “I Miss You” by Alturas
10/21 “Waterloo Sunset” by Jesse Valenzuela
10/22 “She Knows It” by The Zeros
10/23 “Color Esperanza 2020” by Various Artists
10/24 “Oubliette” by Aurelio Voltaire
10/25 “In Your Arms” by Toque Libre
10/26 “No Tengo Dinero” by Juan Gabriel
10/27 “Nunca, Nunca Más” by Asha
10/28 “Cover Me” by Rubberneck
10/29 “Come On, Let's Go” by Ritchie Valens
10/30 “Baa Baa Bamba” by Emilio Delgado, performing as Luis on Sesame Street
10/31 “Black Magic Woman” by Santana

As Rock & Roll saves me

Yes, this is a day earlier than I have been posting. I am trying a little change. 

While I talk about it more on the Sunday blog, I am a religious person. When I talk about "saving"... no, rock and roll is not saving me from death and sin. That is an important distinction. It still really helps me in an important way.

As I have been listening to many new musician and bands for various reasons for a few months now -- much of which I really like -- in this difficult life and world I periodically need to get back to the songs that are for me. They lift me up and revive me. For the most part they would be classified as rock pretty reliably, though one can always quibble about genres.

I need that music. A life without it would be much more miserable than is necessary.

I realize there are people who automatically find that rock is the devil's music, and I don't respect that opinion, even though the rock sometimes references the sex and the drugs.

I also know that my taste is my own, and there is room for disagreement. Without hating them, I am not a really big fan of the Beatles or Led Zeppelin, and I stand by that firmly.

Now if I haven't lost everyone by my unique combination of religiosity and musical tastes (I can only be me), here is a lesson.

I was recently listening to one of my favorite playlists, and being made so happy by it. It occurred to me that it is a shame that I am so bad at playing music. I can hear things in my head that I can never manage to get out, there is not a lot of aptitude even with practice, and (despite the occasional spirited karaoke delivery) I am not really a good singer.

Not only that, but in addition to finding a lot of music through media, I personally know a lot of amazing musicians. Some have a deep understanding of music theory and for some it is much more instinctive. Some have studied and some are self-taught. With all of their variety, I am not like them.

At times in the past I could see a value in appreciating them, because everyone likes to get appreciated and I am good at that, but I still wish I could do it.

This time, just as I found my lack of ability a pity, it came to me that it can be good to like things and want things that we are not good at. 

Maybe it's good for humility (there's a good religious quality), or for persistence or resignation or for perspective on a larger picture where no one has all gifts but everyone can contribute.

It's okay that I am who and how I am. 

And I am grateful for rock. It often emerges from messy lives, but have you seen my life? It fits.

Now, about that listening and new thing I am trying... I have a lot of book and music material that I have not posted. That mainly relates to the various reading months I do, with a good 136 books (some children's) and movies that I could write about, as well as at least two music posts I could easily do.

I am going to try working those in on Friday now. I am switching the type of  post that I have been doing from Wednesday to Tuesday to spread them out a little.  

I hope it won't be overextending myself, but I am at least going to try it.

I have this idea that as I read more and write about everything that I will be able to create excellent reading lists for various purposes and audiences, and I am not there yet. 

It is okay that I am not good at everything I care about.

I am nonetheless pretty good at reading. And listening to rock.

In the way

Prior to my first trip to Italy in 2006, I had only met one aunt, who had been to visit us in the States three times over the years. As the only one without children, she had a little more ability to travel.

Even having spent time with her as a child and teenager, it was different seeing her as an adult and with a better grasp of Italian. I remember her watching me study one morning and saying "Ragazza stupenda!" ("Marvelous girl!", roughly.)

Spending time with people who will love you and appreciate you is amazing and good for the soul, but I was 34 before it happened. That beloved uncle only lived two more years after that. Of all of the beloved aunts and uncles, only one is left.

(The ties are not broken as there are many cousins.)

There are two reasons for my delay, and they do eventually relate.

The first one is the money. We were not a family that could afford to just hop on airplanes, and you can't drive to Italy. As it was, my first flight ever was on my way to the Missionary Training Center at the age of 21, and I had been considering the train before I learned that there was a travel agency that gave missionaries discount tickets.

When I was young we were still able to drive to some pretty cool places. When I have been doing better at some times in my life I have flown to some pretty cool places; I am luckier than lots of people. Economic inequality is nonetheless a real thing, and meritocracy is a myth. 

We should all have opportunities to connect with places and people.

I still could have gone sooner. The other chance that could have worked was when my mother and sisters went. I was focusing on college at the time, so it would have been a challenge, but probably not impossible.

In fact, I was reluctant to go because I was fat. At that time I was still trying to put off everything until I could no longer be fat. Then people would accept me more, and I would not hate pictures of the experience; every aspect of my life was going to be better once I lost weight!

Only I never did.

My extended family loved and accepted me as a fat person. 

(I'm not saying they didn't have any concerns about it, and I did hate that, but that didn't happen until the second trip.)

It was easy to hold off on meeting new people or going new places or even relating to people I already knew in new ways, because my life had to wait to start until I was worthy of it.

Yes, I tried for a long time to lose weight, and gained weight in that time. Stamina and muscle tone fluctuated, but the presence of fat never did. 

Since I stopped trying, I have evened out, but I have evened out as fat. 

It has surprisingly little to do with my health,  unless you know how much of what is generally believed comes via financing by the diet industry, and then it is less surprising. (Hey, there's capitalism again, along with the economic inequality part.)

It is not a moral judgment on my character, though you will find people who believe it is, and at 36 I still did.

That stigma on fatness -- which I fully accepted -- really held me back, without improving my life in any way. It has affected how other people see me. For some it still does, but the bigger impact was on what I did and how I navigated.

It did limit my ability to connect with others.

It isn't always the stigma on fat, because it can be race or class or gender or sexuality or so many other things that shouldn't be reasons to hate each other or abuse each other or have contempt for each other, and yet, here we are.

And obviously, these twin forces of capitalism and bigotry can be folded into dominator culture, that enemy of all that is good.

If what the world needs now is love (I maintain it is), dominator culture is what we are up against. 

It is personal, but it is also very political and religious and economic.

Mr. Rogers again

Back to Won't You Be My Neighbor..  there was another part that stayed with me, regarding his interaction with François Clemmons, the actor who played Officer Clemmons, a character I did not remember at all.

One of the key episodes featuring Officer Clemmons was from 1969, before I was born. The two men share a pool and a towel, just for cooling their feet, but sending a timely message about resistance to integrating pools. The scene was revisited in 1993, well after I had stopped watching.

https://www.biography.com/news/mister-rogers-officer-clemmons-pool

Won't You Be My Neighbor discusses that, and also François needing to stay closeted to keep his place on the show. I don't know if that led to the other story that made such an impression on me.

Mr. Rogers said to Officer Clemmons once, as part of a scene, “I love you just the way you are.” After, François asked, “Fred, were you talking to me?” “Yes, I've been telling you for two years, and you finally heard me."

They had known each other much longer than two years, so I don't know why there had been that length of time to receive the message. This is the man who sang the song "Many Ways to Say I Love You", so there could have been a wide range of efforts.

François said that he had never had a man say that to him before, including his father and stepfather. In that moment Mr. Rogers became a surrogate father to him.

Maybe two years before was when Fred realized that's what François needed.

I don't know that it's exactly a second chance, but there can be other love, at other times and in others ways, sometimes maybe similar ones.

My grandparents had all died before I was born, but there was a couple we knew from church that I really loved. I remember asking if I could call them Grandma and Grandpa. They said yes, but more than that they took it seriously. They never forgot a birthday after that, for any of us, and they were there for important events. They had five children of their own, and I am not sure how many grandchildren, but they accepted the extra five.

My mother left Italy as a young bride just before she turned 18. One aunt made it to visit us three times, but most of her family, even though we would hear things about them, was really unknown.

Finally, at the age of 34, I made it to Italy for the first time. All of them became vivid and real and beloved, but there was something else.

One of my uncles came to pick us up at the airport, along with the aunt I knew. Though this was his first time ever seeing me, I was instantly loved. He greeted me, "Gina! With a smile like the sun."

Later, we were talking about how things were with our father, with this actually being not long after the last disowning. I tried explaining it as best as I could, knowing it sounds wrong. He just said, "Ah Gina," but with such sympathy in his voice. His care was tangible.

With my father's family, it's not like I thought that anyone wished me harm, but love would seem like a pretty strong term. Here there was love and warmth and it was amazing.

Some people will be kind of glib about "found" family. Yes, it is a wonderful thing to happen, but there are no guarantees. When it happens, it is something to cherish.

I may not have had that consistent, reliable support that they'd asked about, but it wasn't all desolation either. I believe there can be more of that.

Deciding

A few years ago I went through many books relating to death and dementia and wholeness, and wasn't sure that it gave me what I needed.

At one point, I noticed that my reading list had a lot of books by Asian-American authors focused on fraught parental relationships. I really noticed when I got to one title, thought I had already read it, and realized, no, that was a different one.

I also had several books with "daughter" in the title. My bright idea was to read the books by the Asian-American authors, then the books with "daughter" in the titles, and then I would see what thoughts came up.

(If it is not already obvious, many of my feelings about death, dementia, and emotional wounds are strongly related to my daughter-hood.)

Now, if my reading ever followed its scheduled path and I only worked on one list at a time... actually, I don't know if I could even recognize my life. Regardless, other books got interspersed, and it appears that fraught parental relationships are more common than not, not bounded by race and ethnicity.

It is not unusual that you can love someone and they can love you, deeply and sincerely, and yet you can cause each other a lot of pain.

It does not always end the relationships. Often it shouldn't.

When I posted about not being in contact with my father, I did not get any negative comments; people were supportive and that is great. I did want to spend a little more time on that decision process, though, in case anyone else is dealing with doubts.

It was kind of in the the last message I sent: dealing with him is so emotionally hard and draining that it becomes physically stressful. If it were harmful to me but good for him, that might be a reason to do it anyway. Back when we were still trying, there was no sign that it made him any happier or better.

When others have pushed back in the past, the general point is that someday he will die, and I will regret it. 

I use that reasoning myself for a completely different scenario, when I discuss visiting Mom with siblings. They find those visits hard, as so I. It is not her fault, and it is questionable how much good it does her. No, she does not know she is seeing her family. We can give her some extra attention, but it may not make a difference. However, someday she will die, and we don't know if we will get much advance notice. Will we be able to live with it if we haven't seen her?  

I will feel bad about my father's death, but I already feel bad about his life. The biggest reason I don't see him is to spare me additional pain. I could be miscalculating, but I don't think so. 

Life is full of uncertainty and all we can do is the best we can. That should mean doing it with kindness and honesty, and that kindness should not only be directed outward from the self, but include the self.

When I was going over all of this before, it was important to me that I go over things that my parents did for me, and also good memories. 

The part that was horrible with my father was how few good memories I could find. Even when he was not actively causing pain, so much of the time there was this air of oppression. In the time before he left, he would leave at 6 in the morning and might not come back until 9 or 10 at night, implausible when he was working and more so when he was unemployed. 

We knew it was not right, and that he had been having a long term affair was not really a surprise, but it was still easy to accept because it was so much of a relief when he wasn't around. 

It wasn't good for him either; he started a late night drinking habit during this time period, but that was something that only he could change. I can accept that he didn't know how, but not that he wouldn't try, and not that he won't even be honest about it now.

I will add that one of the key things that he did provide was financial support and home maintenance throughout my childhood and adolescence. I don't need someone to do that for me now.

However, having recently dealt with home repairs, and being reminded of how overwhelming they feel, does that relate to him? When my inner voice for work-related issues is so harsh, and job issues devastate me so much, does that go back to him? Because yes, I have a pretty nasty inner critic in general, but it is worse for work-related things.

Some of these very harsh parents in the memoirs nonetheless had a lot of good memories and moments with their children too. That must have helped. Some of those parents are also dead now, which may help in a different way. 

I only know how it is for me, and how I am navigating now. Part of the honesty for me is being able to speak it, and not feel a shame and embarrassment about what I could never control.

Part of my kindness is that I will not hold a grudge against him. I do understand and have empathy for some of the things that led him to be this way. It also includes kindness to me in that I am not doing that to myself.

I don't need an apology to forgive him and move on with my life, but for that life to contain him there would need to be more good in the past or promise of change for the future, that was then carried out, even with slip ups. 

Because having boundaries means knowing that sometimes people will lie, and you do need to evaluate whether the efforts are enough, or sincere, or just ineffective but improving, or all of the range in between. Then you can see if new time is mostly good, or better, or subtly worse.

In my case, there is no trying, so there is nothing to evaluate. I know there are better possibilities, but I accept where we are.

Finally, if anyone is curious about the books...

Fraught parental relationships:

by Asian-American authors:
The Magical Language of Others by E. J. Koh
All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung
Crying In H-Mart by Michelle Zauner
Fresh Off the Boat: A Memoir by Eddie Huang
The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui
(plus there are some I have not gotten to yet, and some YA that kind of relates ...)

not by Asian-American authors:
Will by Will Smith
Diary of a Misfit: A Memoir and a Mystery by Casey Parks

(The best parents read about recently were Michelle Obama's in Becoming.)

Daughter books: (I have not read any of these yet, but I will.)
Darwin, His Daughter, and Human Evolution by Randal Keynes
Galileo's Daughter: A Historical Memoir of Science, Faith, and Love by Dava Sobel
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards
The Heretic's Daughter by Kathleen Kent
The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter by Theodora Goss