Gina Harris's Blog, page 43

Thought for food

We are switching from talking about tidying to talking about eating and health. That may seem like a change in focus, but that ability to tune into yourself is equally important.

I am going to focus on some studies in other posts, but first I want to mention something from Health At Every Size by Lindo Bacon.

They mention a story about their son when he was a baby. One day Lindo's mother was feeding the baby. He did eat, and then he stopped. The grandmother tried pleading and the airplane thing, feeling that more eating needed to happen, but the child was done.

The point was that -- even for infants -- we don't listen to their body cues.

I get that there can be a lot of anxiety about raising children. Hold on to that thought while I mention my dog, but also know that I am in no way saying that having pets is equivalent to having children. Humans and other animals are different; got it!

However, a pet is a living creature for whom you are responsible and yet where they may have difficulty in communicating their wants and needs. Therefore, there might be some similar applications.

Dellie is a good girl, but sometimes -- especially in warmer weather -- she seems to become a food snob. She will even get picky with treats sometimes, dropping one that she was perfectly happy with the day before. 

I think she does like variety, perhaps more than the average dog, but when she skips three meals in a row, it's hard not to worry and get desperate, and maybe add special things that she then does eat. 

That is why I think that the snobbery and variety is at least a part of it, but also, probably sometimes she just isn't hungry. I can't just ask her to tell me.

Since she is still interested in treats, that tells me that it is probably not indigestion or tooth pain or something like that. She still has good energy. Her weight is not fluctuating. All of that leads me to conclude that it is fine for her to skip these meals; she will eat when she is ready.

If she were lethargic, or tried eating and whimpered, or ate a little then threw up, or was suddenly getting thinner or I were noticing something with her stool, then it is time for the vet. Even without language, there are many indicators of how she is doing.

There are similar indicators that you can use to figure out what is going on with your child. 

If your child stops eating the carrots at one point, but then by the next meal time will eat them again, that was probably just the child being full.

If the child always clamps up on peas, your child may hate peas. 

That can be trickier, as food variety is an important part of nutrition, but during the baby food stage that is not a tragedy. Maybe you can have a go with peas later. If for now the child is good with green beans and pears and bananas, well, maybe that's sufficient.

A certain amount of observation is necessary anyway, right? You need to keep an eye out for developing allergies, and you would probably be keeping an eye out for energy levels and growth. You will definitely be aware of output, with an opportunity to notice it with every diaper change.

It seems possible that you can safely start recognizing and honoring signals for fullness, first tentatively and then more confidently. That can be a great gift to your child, and to you.

That makes the next question whether you can do that for yourself.

Children generally grow up, meaning that even if your worry levels stay high, your control levels do not. 

Your responsibility for yourself stays with you for all of your life.

Can you honor that?

Album Review: The Summers To Come by Seasonal

Seasonal has always felt like a band for autumn days with a chill in the air, but "In the Dark with the Light On" seems especially right for the moment, perhaps because it mentions Halloween.

I first reviewed Seasonal back in 2017. Because Spotify had another band mixed up with theirs, my review accidentally took in an album that was not theirs:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/08/band-review-seasonal.html 

I made updates, but I felt bad and determined that I would review them again. A new album released earlier this year (and me doing reviews again) makes this a good time.

The Summers To Come is a solid continuation of their previous work, music that quietly gets under your skin before you have even realized it.

Tinged with melancholy, it is made more poignant knowing that the band has experienced the loss of their singer since recording, and knowing the losses that many of us have experienced in the recent past.

However, even right now, with summer recently departed, there remains the promise of more summers to come, and good things that happen with the fall and throughout the year.

I have faith that Seasonal can adapt, and I wish them well.

https://www.seasonaltheband.com/

https://www.facebook.com/seasonaltheband 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CONgtlojrit/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCseCedDMKucSw9IACmNZ4Wg

https://seasonaltheband.bandcamp.com/ 

https://soundcloud.com/seasonaltheband

https://twitter.com/seasonaltheband

Your own worth

My ghost name is Ginooat:

https://twitter.com/nathanwpyle/status/1437233812203782145 

As you can see, the parameters for knowing your ghost name are somewhat arbitrary, but it is just for fun. I like it better than a lot of these, because by only going with your first name, it has no signs of being a ploy to pull in tools for identity theft or password hacking.

There are still people unhappy with it. As you don't need a ghost name, and even if you want one you can set your own rules for deciding your ghost name, it is not a problem.

Yesterday I was in a discussion about clothing. One woman who loves hoodies no longer wears them outside the house because she read that is not something to do once you are in your forties. Another person felt a need to make her towels match after a similar article recommend that.

If you start looking for lists of things you should own or stop doing or definitely have in your closet or never wear again at different ages, you will find many.

My obvious question is "Says who?" Probably the answer is right in the byline of the list, but is it someone you know and care about? Because getting to write a listicle doesn't actually require that much authority.

You may have the ability to influence your friends or children, where you can make them feel good or bad about clothes, homes, and life choices. If so, please use your power for good and not to make people feel inferior or spend money for things they don't really want.

On the other hand, if you are the person being influenced this way, how much do you like the person at the root of the times when you feel less? 

Even if you like the way they dress or wear their hair or arrange flowers, their way would still not be the only way. Other ways can be valid.

There is no need for this approach. If someone wrote a list of "10 things that made me feel like a grownup", and one of them was getting matching towels, and one was buying a nice jacket, I would have no problem with that, regardless of whether I thought any of the ideas were good.

I don't know if the writers (or their editors) don't feel like their opinions would merit that kind of treatment, or if taking on that authority is part of the appeal. From the editorial point of view, the more aggressive voice tends to attract more attention, even if some of that attention is negative.

You still do not have to respect this authority, especially if that will mean buying things you don't need, wearing clothes you don't like, and feeling like everything about you is wrong.

Often women over 40 will enjoy that feeling of the pressure relaxing as they can do their own thing. The 26 year old may still care if a magazine chastises her for having stuffed animals on the bed, but the 46 year old usually is less worried about outside opinions. 

The listicles are still trying to get you. Don't let them.

Personally, I am almost 50, and good luck telling me anything.

Values

One of the other things that people had fun criticizing about Marie Kondo is that she opened up an online store. That hypocrite! Make us get rid of our things so we can buy yours!

Except -- once more for everyone in the back -- her philosophy is not about minimalism and not having anything, but having things that make you happy to see and use, which she most commonly refers to as sparking joy.

Her taste may be completely different from yours, but if your tastes are similar, her store is where you can find some items. 

I remember going to the store and looking when it was first announced. I noticed that she really seems to like brass -- she mentions the way the appearance changes over time, though I suspect there are other tactile qualities as well -- and tends toward items made by craftspeople, not automation.

They also tend to be expensive, possibly out of reach for some. 

Have you ever priced handmade quilts? They are expensive. They also require hours and hours of stitching. The amount of time put into it probably means that even at the price that seems expensive, the cost of labor and materials means that the maker did it for a wage you wouldn't accept. For someone who loves quilting, they may accept that not having their time fully valued, but will still feel murderous at you offering them $20.

They are not my thing anyway, but I could not afford a handmade quilt. 

Money is not the only way to get them. Sometimes you have a grandmother who makes every grandchild one, or maybe you can make your own, or you buy something from an assembly line but maybe you still like the colors... ideally, you are able to like the things you have, even if you don't have everything you like.

Taking the time to listen to yourself to understand what you like and don't like is valuable for that.

Throwing out 30 bags of trash doesn't happen from getting what you really like.

Not having anything that really feels right for you, however, might lead you to buy additional things. Looking for the one thing that will make it all feel like enough could take thirty bags.

Trying to buy what other people say you should have is also likely to end up giving you thirty large trash bags worth of something.

It doesn't mean it would be trash to everyone, but that is not the point. 

What will feel valuable to you?

Defensive

I have this problem, where I get unreasonably irritated when I see people posting about things that I have already covered in the blog. I do know that not that many people read it, but if only they would!

Anyway, after having several posts referencing Marie Kondo's work, including two specifically focused on books, one friend posted a meme and then a friend of hers replied with something else, and they both irritated me.

The meme was a picture of Marie Kondo suggesting that you limit yourself to 30 books, split screen with a picture of a big pile of books saying "Where? On my nightstand?". Then the reply was about Marie Kondo having once gotten rid of things belonging to her family members and criticizing that.

Those were technically two separate irritations (beyond why more people are not reading what I have to say), and each of those is an example of a larger concern, so we are going to fill out the week dealing with this.

For the meme itself, okay, we have covered how everything about her method is based on what works for you, and what is joyful for you.

It should be pretty well-established that I love books. Even so, there are books that it does not benefit me to own, if for no other reason than that it may get in the way of finding the books I want.

Funny story: during the long period where the library was closed due to the pandemic, there was a book that I was sure I had turned in before, but it did not show as checked in. It was at the bottom of a stack of books on my nightstand. Of course, there is another book of mine that I should be able to find, but can't. Maybe that went in the library slot, convincing me that I had turned the other one in; they were on related topics.

That does not spark joy. 

Maybe you can have 250 books, and be happy, but that happiness requires getting a bookcase. Maybe you would be happiest with 20 books and a library card. The point is that it is about you, so the common response of indignation -- albeit often humorous -- to this tyranny is wrong, and only comes up because of a refusal to take in any context. 

(Which, in all fairness, is an issue that crops up in many other frustrating ways.)

The reply was worse. The standard response would be something about needing more books, maybe humorous, maybe indignant.

Instead, evidence was offered of Kondo being a troubled person.

It is true that as a somewhat neglected middle child who was obsessed with tidying but not caught up yet on the need to have items that spark joy, she did sometimes tidy things that weren't hers. She did acknowledge that, and that it was wrong. It's in the book.

Also wrong: when there were things she knew she did not want but felt guilty discarding them, she sometimes gave them to her younger sister as "presents". (A solution also provided in the Swedish death cleaning article.) 

Kondo's interest in tidying started early, but she had a lot of false starts, many of them happening very young. She is open about that.

The negativity about Kondo seemed a little spiteful, but that the commenter would know that detail -- either without having context or without caring about the context -- is interesting. It seems like it would require having gotten that from another source.

There were a lot of negative articles and things about Marie Kondo a few years ago, I think in response to the show. That was what drew my initial interest. I would see other people defending against the willful misunderstanding and noting that a lot of the criticism was racist. 

It seems that is still happening. Now I am one of the defenders.

I fully realize that my friend who posted the meme was not acting maliciously. I don't know her friend who replied, but that was probably not conscious malice either; just something that got stuck in the head, and now will come to mind any time Marie Kondo is mentioned.

However, what is out there for us to see and hear, what sticks, and and why... that all has a lot of factors going into it. It is important to understand how racism and capitalism influence us. 

There will be more on that.

Finding joy in necessity

Periodically I will see Twitter discussions about tidying. I find them interesting. 

A recent discussion had a question about whether you can really only keep things that spark joy. One of the replies said that he does not specifically take joy in his toilet brush, but that is how he gets a clean bathroom, and he does take joy in that.

I had recently seen an ad for a cat-shaped toilet brush, so I can't rule out that there are people who specifically do get joy from their toilet brush. I'm okay with ours.

I did have to change something else in the bathroom. I was finding it hard to clean the bathroom because of concern about the dirtiness of the rags.

We were all brought up helping with the housework, but we didn't really get explanations. There may be processes I didn't fully understand, and it is also possible that some things were done in a way that was not the best.

As it was, as I got to the ages where I was helping more, our mother was also doing house cleaning for others. She washed a load of rags fairly often. It probably makes sense that she didn't worry about it, but I was not trusting that any bathroom cleaning I did would make things cleaner.

That concern was one reason I read Cheryl Mendelson's Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House, which did not help nearly as much as I had hoped. (She goes on a lot about things that I did not find particularly useful.)

However, she did mention having a lot of rags, and I started to get the idea. We got a covered trash can that we keep under the sink in the half bathroom. When I use a rag, it goes in there. I don't repeat rags between the bathrooms. I might use a rag on the sink first and then on the toilet, but I might also use a separate rag, and I often use a different one for the shower stall. 

When the can is full, I will do a hot water wash with bleach for just the rags. In this manner I don't worry about spreading any germs. Is that overkill? Perhaps, but it makes me feel better.

It is not perfect. The laundry loads are smaller than I prefer when I wash the rags. We would need a bigger can to remedy that, and there is not a place to put one. It is still an improvement, and it is something that is doable for us.

It would be better if we could replace the shower stall, because that has aged in a way that makes keeping it clean harder (bits of the coating worn off so things can get trapped in between). We cannot afford to fix that right now, so it is just something to work around (and why the shower stall usually gets its own rag).

About that toilet brush...

You might be fine with yours. You might like it better if the holder was shaped like a cat or a goose or a Dalek.

You also might feel like it doesn't clean well enough. There are different designs. Ours has bristles all around like a cone, but there are brushes shaped like a loop. 

You might feel a repulsion to your abrasive cleaner, and need a gel, or something with more natural ingredients.

Maybe you would be happiest having someone else clean the bathroom. That can also be completely valid. (If you do that, pay them fairly and treat them with respect.)

What do you feel when you reach for your toilet brush?

It doesn't have to be the toilet brush. There may be something in your kitchen that makes you feel like you hate cooking, or you may really hate cooking. 

You may have sheets that make you vaguely unhappy every time you crawl into bed.

My point is that sometimes there is frustration or discomfort that is completely unnecessary, and the answers are inside you.

It may take some practice to get used to hearing your inner voice, but that ability is priceless.

Our bathroom is cleaner because I found what I needed to be able to clean it confidently. It did not require a major investment, but just listening to myself.

What if a few easy tweaks would make you much happier, but you don't know? The value of the process is getting to that.

Music Review: The Other Two

In July I wrote a somewhat humorous post that concluded with me learning that two "lesser-known" members of New Order had formed another band, brilliantly called The Other Two:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/07/rules-of-threes-bands.html

I thought that was the end of it, but I recently saw a reference to a series called The Other Two. It was not related at all, but it made me think that I should check the band of that name out.

I'm glad I did.

I have a fondness for a lot of relatively recent bands from Manchester (bands from this century), but those bands tend to be more guitar-based and kind of gritty. 

Technically, Wikipedia lists the band as from Macclesfield, but Factory Records is very Manchester, and there are enough Mancunian elements that it seems reasonable to make the association.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Other_Two 

So going back to 1990 Manchester, here is glorious synth that is fun and upbeat.

New Order is wonderful, but they can get kind of gloomy (perhaps less so now). That makes it striking how happy Stephen Morris and Gillian Gilbert look in the videos. 

They are simply delightful.

With label issues and other projects -- and a fairly busy career writing for television, which is how the project started -- The Other Two may not have achieved all that was possible, but it remains fun to revisit them now. 

I have to consider that even setbacks became opportunities. They had originally looked for another singer, and had problems with that. Gillian took voice lessons and did great.

(There is an interesting bio with lots of extraneous detail at https://www.ltmrecordings.com/the_other_two.html .)

It is wonderful that being "the other two" gave them another band and another career and a marriage and children. It didn't even require losing New Order. Gillian did take time off to raise their children and for health, but she was always welcome and her return did not displace her replacement, Phil Cunningham.

Although the band is not currently considered active, and there are not recent posts, there is a main page and a Facebook page. You can find at least three official videos, for "Selfish", "Tasty Fish", and "You Can Fly", though there is not a Youtube channel for them. 

Presumably it will make more sense to follow their activities with New Order, so there is a link there as well.

https://www.facebook.com/TheOtherTwoOfficialMusic

http://theothertwo.co.uk/

http://www.neworderonline.com/ 

https://twitter.com/stephenpdmorris

https://twitter.com/gillian_gilbert

Tidying as a matter of life or death

I was trying to make a point with someone and referenced Marie Kondo. She deflected and mentioned being drawn more to this new Swedish method. 

I knew in this case that it was just a deflection; there was no way that this person was actually adopting any new methods for any type of organization or tidying. I do like knowing what's what, so looked it up: Swedish Death Cleaning! 

For those irritated by Marie Kondo's pixie-like cuteness, Swedish death cleaning sounds way more metal.

The initial description that I read sounded worse: yes, it is thinking about the people who have to clean up after you. I have certainly known people left with mounds of things to go through after a parent's death. I get that. 

There also seemed to be an element of getting rid of things that would really hurt people, like the letters proving your affair, or the journal entries about how disappointed you are in your kid.

(I recently learned it is tradition to seal a royal will for 90 years after the death. I can only assume that's to continue the hiding of illegitimate children, but it seems relevant.)

Swedish death cleaning is not all dark, though the objections I have stand. This is from an article from before the book came out, Margareta Magnusson's The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning.

https://www.countryliving.com/home-maintenance/cleaning/a45190/what-is-swedish-death-cleaning/

Apparently Magnusson was around 80 when she wrote her book, and it is targeted to people over 50. That can a different mindset.

They do mention thinking about wills and inheritances and things too, and I am totally in favor of that.

There are other articles calling it the opposite of Marie Kondo, but there are definite similarities. Magnusson also recommends starting with clothes. Readers talk about it taking a longer time, but may not realize that the period Kondo has in mind is six months. Those reading Magnusson's work say it will leave things more streamlined and allow for satisfying reflection on your life. I assume, then, that it could still lead to changing your life and feeling more joy. Maybe it's a little bit late, but if that's when you start, that's when you start.

Personally, I prefer the focus on life, and finding and living the life that is joyful for you. The Swedish method seems more negative. 

My main objection is the focus on others. 

I think about others a lot. I care about people. I put their needs above mine, probably too often, but the best thing I have learned over all of this time is that I matter too. I should have joy.

Sometimes there seems to be a terrible imbalance, where people can either only know that they matter or know that other people matter, when all of the time it is both. 

Without having read Magnusson's book, it seems to do everything thinking about others, and then if you benefit from that it's just a bonus. That does not sound joyful.

Figure out your ideal life for you! Get the things that drag you down out of your way for you!

My pet peeve from the article -- without knowing if it was extrapolation or actually in the book -- is that it seems to find gifting a solution and making your discards other peoples' problems: "These books are for you; I don't want them anymore!" Seriously, do not do that.

(The book definitely says to tell your friends so they hold you accountable, so making other people responsible for your problems may be a theme.)

If having 120 porcelain figures sparks joy for you, but you don't want your kids to have to deal with them later, maybe your final instructions can include hiring an estate service. You can budget it, put it in writing, and verbally let your next of kin know. It doesn't have to be all one way or the other.

And if you have evidence of unhappy family situations, maybe you should clear those out now, but by really clearing them, not merely destroying the evidence. Go to counseling. Have a heartfelt talk. Cut out a toxic person from your life (not something to be done lightly, but the only thing to do sometimes).

Even knowing that other people are important too, choose life and choose yourself.

Digital maintenance

Posting for two days in a row about books as tangible items that take up space, new readers might be wondering if I ever think about e-readers.

In general, I prefer the feel of a book, and its heft, viewing the progress in pages and flipping to the end and then back. It is not impossible to do some of these things with digital media, but it is not my favorite. It is still something I do periodically, because with some titles it is the only way I can get at them.

This is again an area where the library makes me really happy. As they add access to platforms like Kanopy and OverDrive, it expands what is available.

As it is, I own 59 e-books (and have written 5) that I view on the PC screen when I want to read them. 

They can also be a little disorganized, but that is not nearly as much of an issue as the photos I take, and the files I create to keep track of different things. That doesn't even mention how behind I get on e-mail sometimes. I have recently deleted over 200 old messages in two accounts, and there are many remaining.

The books I have read do not mention tidying digital media. 

It isn't an issue of space in the traditional sense, but it is even more possible to ignore the items, and miss out on any joy or usefulness they might bring.

Marie Kondo does write about getting rid of photographs and other sentimental items, and how there can be an emotional pang. 

She give tips for making this easier: putting photos in envelopes and covering the faces of stuffed animals so they are not staring at you as you discard them. Also, she has you save sentimental items for last, so you take it on when you have become more experienced at recognizing what sparks joy and what doesn't.

I take a lot of photos. 

There are the selfies, most of which I am happy to discard, if I remember to get to it. Then there are also the photos I take at concerts and when visiting attractions that will be featured on the travel blog, and there are pet photos.

I have a greater appreciation for how important the blogging is to me. 

Writing about emotional or political issues is as much a way of sorting my own thoughts as of sharing those thoughts with others, but when I blog about concerts and travel -- even local travel -- it turns out that sharing those photos matters to me. 

I don't know if it is even the sharing so much as the considering and weighing and putting it out into the world: I did this thing. I know this. This happened.

Surprisingly, I am less sentimental with the pet photos. First of all, my sister Maria posts so many that me posting any feels superfluous. In addition, sure, the pictures are cute, but they never capture how cute it was. 

Still, I have been surprised sometimes when I see a photo printed out and have an emotional response to that.

The key is probably not what you delete or whether you delete it, but what you put where you will see it. Whether this is a screensaver slideshow, or a digital picture frame, or periodically changing your profile and background photos, make sure you are enjoying what you have. If something is missing, figure out what it is.

We need joy.

The other tip that might not be as obviously relevant came from when KonMari was writing about handouts from seminars and things, which often pile up because you mean to get to it someday. 

Her answer to that was to incorporate it into your life now. If it is something that you want, don't procrastinate. You can keep the handouts for years and never get to them, or you can do it right away, and not need the handout.

I cleared through sheets and sheets of old preparedness materials. Some of it is outdated, but mostly it is either that I already have it down, or that I am not really going to do it.

I don't miss the paper.

A changing philosophy of books

There was a time when my way of getting books was rather like conspicuous consumption.

I would go to B. Dalton or the Book Vault, see all of these paperbacks on sale, and just fill a large shopping bag with them. Mostly they were literary titles -- Signet and Pengin classics, AP prep materials -- that I hadn't read yet. I did luck out once and find multiple collections of short stories by L. M. Montgomery. That would have been around 1996, because I remember which bus stop I was at when I was reading through them.

I would also sometimes wander into the PSU bookstore and pick up text books that looked interesting. That probably comes from really wanting to keep my Psychology 101 textbook but needing the money that came from selling it back, but they were mostly history.

Part of that was imagining that I would someday be writing lots of historical material, and these would be good resources. If there was an interesting tidbit of information and you let it go, who knew if you would ever be able to find it again?

Enter the internet.

There is one book that I have just because it mentions Justa Grata Honoria's overture to Attila the Hun, but I don't need to look in the book to find it now.

I don't completely regret that. Many of my comfort reading books came from those book buying binges. 

I do still prefer libraries now. There are different needs for different times.

They say that to encourage reading in children, a child should get about ten new books to own per year. 

Now, they also encourage that you read 1000 books to your child before kindergarten. A different book daily for three years gets you there, and it's five years until kindergarten; it's doable. You don't want to have to buy or store all of those books, but yes, there should be some that stick around, and that should be continuing long past kindergarten.

We had a lot of books in our house when I was growing up. Some of them I devoured, some things I read too early, and some of them were boring and or not that great in other ways. There is a very out of date junior encyclopedia that I hang on to because I have such an attachment to it from flipping through it over and over again.

My point is that there is room for a lot of variety. That's not just between different people, but also between different stages of life, and the combinations one has living with different people at different times.

For the most part, I do not regret books I have bought. I do regret under-utilizing libraries at different times, when I just wasn't getting there or when I was stubborn about using the request system. 

Access to books is vitally important for me; it doesn't always require ownership.

I have gotten into a pattern that works for me, and I love that.