Gina Harris's Blog, page 144

Band Review: RIB

RIB is a band from Leeds.
Like many bands with jazz and indie influences, they can remain low-key to the point of being easily overlooked, but there is a funk that comes through.
"Conveyor Belt" is the best example, starting with a crisp drumbeat and a stringed groove. "Broken Toy" also stands out for its different textures on a unified theme.
The band is still fairly new, with not many tracks available. Listening via Youtube gets you an extra track. In addition to the ATA Studios recordings available via Souncloud, Youtube includes "Did I Say Too Much", a recording from Ont' Sofa Live at Northern Guitars.
They are worth checking out more to see how things develop.
https://www.facebook.com/RIBMusicuk/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJwwzqm_IZABKMX_YWsx5RA
https://soundcloud.com/ribmusicuk
https://twitter.com/RIBmusicuk

Out in the world

The last two posts seem to go toward addressing my concern about being able to give.
That was on the Wants list, and it was under "Be financially secure", so even back then I did understand that the two were not inextricably linked. There are many times when I would like to provide material support and can't, but the intangibles still have value and I have gotten some reminders of that.
There was something else that happened a while back that can tie in to all of it: the emotional giving we do, the fact that it may not result in a lifelong bond, and also to street harassment.
I was at Beaverton Transit Center, having just gotten off the train. I was waiting for a ride, but there were many people waiting to get on the next train. Among them I noticed a Black woman.
Actually, I noticed her hair, which was really cute. I do not believe in my ability to accurately describe a hairstyle, but I will try. It as all in short (maybe 3-inch) corkscrew girls. There may have been some layering. Her hair flared out a little around the ears, then came back in, which I want to call a "wedge", but I don't think that's right. There was some gray showing, and it just looked really good on her. It suited her well.
I felt like I needed to tell her. That required moving closer and getting her attention, and so seemed fairly awkward, but the feeling was strong. I got closer, made eye contact, and told her that I loved her hair.
She was surprised, and thanked me and told me it was the most natural thing she had ever done, then her train came and my ride came and it was a very brief encounter.
It stayed with me past that because of her response. I think "natural" meant two things. One is the whole thing about good hair and natural hair, and I don't know what she has put herself through before, but I know that Black people, especially women, can face a lot of criticism and abuse for that. I think the other part was letting the gray show, which is an admission of age.
There are many racist and chauvinist things that could be unpacked there, and I'm not the best person for doing it. What I took away from it is that it had taken some courage on her part to choose this style.
I am still working on my feelings that it should not require courage to look like yourself. There are a lot of things I hate about that. Where the incident fits in this week is that just by being open to people, seeing their good qualities and humanity, we can back each other up. But I had also written about street harassment, which is sometimes excused as just trying to pay a compliment.
Again, I am not the best source on this. I don't get out much and I break some of the attractiveness rules for women, so it doesn't come up a lot. However, every now and then I have been complimented by a man I don't know, and every time it has been followed by him asking me out.
This is not harassment; they were all respectful and did not turn threatening when I turned them down. However, those compliments do seem to lack selflessness. So, if you are only paying compliments hoping for something in return, this may not be the love that the world needs now.
I only mention this because some people really resent when their attentions are not welcome. When I am saying that we can help each other out, this does not include any pressure or intimidation, or recrimination for a lack of proper gratitude.
You would think that would go without saying.

You OK, Sis?

There is a hash tag, #YouOKSis, and I am going to link to a story about that here for background:
http://www.takepart.com/article/2014/07/18/you-ok-sis-three-words-can-save-womans-life
I have only asked anyone once, and in that case it was fine. They were arguing, but they knew each other and no one was in any danger. It was better to ask than take the chance.
This post is not directly about that, but it all connects.
It's no secret that this period of unemployment has me feeling down, but it may not be clear how down - how worried, scared, and powerless I feel. This is pretty bad on its own, but there are times it can be worse, including when there are things I want to help and where I don't feel I can.
This happened with the Orlando shooting. There was the initial sorrow and heaviness that comes with something like that - something so hateful and wrong that causes so much suffering. First it was for the dead and their families, and then there was this feeling for how vulnerable it must feel to be part of a group targeted for death. There was no way of righting that wrong.
Around the same time a friend of the family died - a really good man who left behind a lot of people who loved him - and I misunderstood the date for the funeral and missed it. That was something with a completely different scope, but they worked together to create this picture of everything wrong in the world and I am not helping at all.
The hash tag kept coming back to me. It reminded me that sometimes it can be enough just to ask. I reached out to some of my queer friends and asked how they were doing. I sent a card to the widow.
None of it changes the world. I suppose if changing the world were that easy, someone would have done it. It did give me a chance to touch base with a couple of friends. I got to see the card they passed out at the funeral. People were reminded that they are loved and cared about. It doesn't solve problems, but there is value in the reminder that you are not alone. Someone cares about your pain.
Sometimes it doesn't take very much.

Losing Sylvia

I finished The Bell Jar in 2013, after which I wanted to read everything else by Sylvia Plath, ever.
I read The Colossus and Other Poems a few months later, and that wasn't enough. I'm sure that was at least partially because it contained neither "The Moon and the Yew Tree" nor "Daddy", both of which I feel are significant for understanding her parental relationships. Nevertheless, I knew there were more poems and I knew there were letters published between her and her mother.
I know I was hoping to somehow make sense of her death, and see how much her life corresponded to the book. I'm not sure any additional reading would have changed much, but I didn't get there anyway. I was in the middle of the Long Reading List, and I always have a lot of things to do. I may get to the rest later, or I may not.
I am thinking about that now because I have finally started something else I had been putting off. If you have been reading for a while, you know there are people I look out for on Twitter. A lot of them are young girls going through rough emotional times that may involve some kind of self-harm.
While I will frequently just happen to notice something and engage, I always worry about what I don't see. I know other people are there too, but I worry.
As I go through the list, many names are familiar. They are still posting and we still communicate with each other. There are also many that haven't been active for while.
This often means deleting the account completely. Often the names are cruelly self-deprecating, and it may be best to let that identity go. Deleting can also be symbolic, because this was associated with the bad times that they are leaving behind. It can be a sign of their commitment to not falling back.
Some leave the account there but stop posting. I get reports of the inactive accounts I follow weekly, and I'll stay. If they do come back, I will still be around.
Sometimes you can find out in other ways. One had used her real name. That is very rare, because most of these accounts are secret, but she did and I found her through Facebook, and she's fine. She had attempted multiple times, enough that I had been pretty sure that one of them would succeed. I still tried to talk her out of it, but I didn't think there was much hope. There was enough. She's alive and pursuing her interests.
I found out that another one was doing well via e-mail. She has asked for feedback on some writing previously, and I had her address because of that. That was great. Sometimes taking on the world means less internet time. Go for it!
Mostly I find unanswered questions, or that things are still bad. Originally the plan was to go through and see if there were places where extra attention could be helpful. Usually that happens more spontaneously. For example, one time a girl tweeted that she was going to have a rough month and I had the idea to send her something funny or cute every day for the next month, which did help.
That was something I saw without trying; all I did was be open. Trying to go beyond that, and find the things that I might normally miss, could be a good way to become overwhelmed and give up. I'm pacing myself, but I'm not sure that much new good will come from it.
Still, some inactive accounts have left tweets explaining that they are doing better. Twitter doesn't fill the spot that it did anymore, so they are getting off, or they are going to stick with their real account but they don't need the secret account anymore. Any time I find that, that's a plus. I won't unfollow the account just in case, but I will stop worrying, and be happy for them.
There's one I found yesterday that really touched me. She had several tweets explaining how her father got her into therapy, and she discovered some new talents, and he was supporting her in that. It sounded like her life was becoming full, and she left with an expression of happiness and hope, but in the tweet before that she thanked me for saving her life.
That was two years ago. I saw it then, but it had blurred into all of the others. When I did help her, it was what I saw and followed up on without trying, but it mattered to her.
I like it when we have friends forever that we will always care about and stay in touch with, and I like it when I know how things turn out, but that's not the only option. Sometimes a few minutes at the right time can be enough.
No matter how many times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed and utterly lacking in power, kindness still matters. Sometimes you even get to know that it mattered.

Band Review: WhiteMoor

WhiteMoor is a UK Indie band. That is about all that they say about themselves, other than references to their album and single releases.
I see the value in letting the work speak for itself, but I would have liked some other clues to their identities because the music often feels impenetrable.
I don't think this is so much a musical flaw as an editing one. Listening to the albums feels like it takes a long time. It's not unpleasant, but it drags and tunes blend into each other. I suspect that a little editing and tightening up could give each album more coherence and spark.
There are songs that stand out. This is especially true for "Remember, Remember", "High Lights", and "A Cage for the Animals". For the last two, a more upbeat tempo helps, but in the case of "Remember, Remember" it feels much more emotionally true. I didn't relate to the lyrics, but the delivery still made it resonant.
The band plays well and none of the songs are bad, but the hours spent listening should have left a stronger impression.
http://www.whitemoor.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/WhiteMoor
https://www.youtube.com/user/ejectorseatband
https://twitter.com/WhiteMoor

Band Review: Into Orbit

Into Orbit is an experimental rock band from Wellington, New Zealand.
It is not only their name that conjures up space. Many of the track titles are also astronomical terms: "Perihelion", "Aphelion", and "Dark Matter".
Even when the names are less obviously celestial - like "Towers", "Creeping Vines", or "Set Adrift" - there is still a mood of exploration.
This fits in well with their music. It is trying new things and pressing against boundaries. Despite this, Into Orbit retains a sense of musicality often lost by other bands in the genre.
With their new release, "Gilgamesh", perhaps they are ready to do something epic.
http://www.intoorbit.co.nz/
https://www.facebook.com/intoorbit/
http://intoorbit.bandcamp.com/album/caverns
https://www.youtube.com/user/ProjectiveMedia
https://soundcloud.com/intoorbit
https://twitter.com/IntoOrbit

An end in sight?.

Much of the frustration in my life now is driven by uncertainty. The big one is "How long will I be unemployed?" but "How long will our family room be torn up?" has some mileage. There's just so much that you can't even plan.
I did come up with one end date that I believe I can manage.
I have been asked at times about turning some of my experiences with healing into a book. That has never seemed feasible. I have said it's because I don't know how it ends, though it's probably more accurate to say that it doesn't end. However, this phase of it will end, and that is something I can kind of schedule.
The assignments draw it out. I know that I will not complete the #365feministselfie challenge before March 1st, 2017. That could be enough time to get the other things done. I can finish transcribing my mission journal by then if I keep at it. The dates I have targeted for various types of dressing up will arrive before then. It's also enough time to finish blogging about all of the topics that have not yet been covered.
I am still very drawn to various political topics, and I still expect to get to them. It looks like there are about 30 weeks between now and March 1st; that's 90 non-music blogs, and some of the books can definitely be treated together.
Just in case there is any confusion, I am sure I will still have plenty of issues after I finish this phase. I don't know whether a book will be forthcoming or not, because telling people to read a lot of books and then write out their thoughts and feelings may not require an entire book.
It will still be a milestone, with interesting things and thoughts between now and then.
I will have to find some way to commemorate it.

I am not a commodity

One of the most frustrating parts of this period of unemployment is how many people seem to want things from me. That didn't happen last time.
Back in 2008, getting any response back at all was very difficult. Now it is about sifting through the useless responses. I mentioned the phone calls trying to get me into educational programs already, but that is not all.
There were also the very persistent messages that seemed to be about a job, but there was an odd lack of specificity for some things. That was okay, because they said you could contact them with questions. I asked, but no matter how many messages came there were never any answers;  just more buzzwords about development and potential. Finally I wrote back that without getting these answers I was having a hard time trusting them. Then they stopped writing. I guess that was for the best, but it would have been nice if there really was a job.
There is a networking group for film that I have joined. They claimed it would be great to make contacts and they had tons of success stories. There is always a fee for hearing the success stories, and searching for people you can actually collaborate with doesn't turn up a lot.
I guess part of the problem there is that everyone writes, but there are lots of groups that will send out opportunities for writers. You do have to pay to see the ones that offer pay, but the unpaid ones are free. Apparently you really do have to spend money to make money.
In a way it doesn't affect me that much. I continue to apply for various jobs, while still writing and looking for places to submit my work. Even if so far it is only dead ends, I have not exhausted all of the potential dead ends yet.
What bothers me more is that at a time when I could really use some help, and I do not have any money to spend, that seems to be all anyone is interested in.
The one that has been the worst is actually the one that did get paid. My former employer gave me some time with a career coaching company. I don't know how much they paid them, but I am positive that it was too much.
There are people who will do a wonderful and individualized job of building your resume, there are people who will act as headhunters and help with your placement, and there are people who will coach you. That is not what happens here. Here they tell you which webinars and tip sheets to look at. Some of the webinars are pretty good, but I would never pay for that service.
It may make my company feel better about letting me go, but a weekly phone call that might last as long as fifteen minutes if I come prepared with questions is not that helpful. I got more caring and guidance at the employment office. That might not be true in every state, or every office within a state, but I felt like I mattered more, and felt more hopeful there. I felt like a person.
If the only thing anyone wants is money right now, I don't have a lot to offer. I accept that, but I'm sick of people pretending they're here to help.

My mother's daughter

For all of the various to-do lists that I have where I have down things that I need to do for my mother, I don't see any of that on the To-Do list:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/10/this-next-section-to-do.html
I have that I am worried about her under the Problems, and I promise there have been many, many entries in other places about things I wanted to try or that I needed to remember to do, but it's odd that it didn't end up on the one list. The only explanation I can give for it is that I might have this belief that if I improve myself enough, and become a good enough person, then it will all work out.
In that way it becomes part of the larger issue of where I am supposed to be in between the pressure I put on myself to be better and the understanding that I am human and need to have some leeway. I should have down time, but then I am wasting time. I can't constantly deprive myself and expect to excel, and yet it's not good to be overly self-indulgent. I might have left it out because of a secret belief that the only way to heal her is via my perfection.
That may not be it. It may have been that the other entries on other lists seemed like enough. Worse, it may have reflected a kind of fatalism - this is not going to be fixed, and your worry is not going to go away.
That should not be quite right either. There are things that make a difference. As we put more and more fish into Mom's diet, she has seemed a little better. It's funny and sad how much I hate even the smell of fish, and the hardship this creates of a fairly simple task, but I do it because I love her and I believe it helps.
Last week she lost a sister-in-law, and I had her write to her niece to offer condolences. For a very short message, it shouldn't have taken so long to write, but that's how we roll. Nonetheless, one of my sisters remarked that she seemed more on the ball that night. I believe that helped her.
One of the books on the list was Her Mother's Daughter: A Memoir of the Mother I Never Knew and of My Daughter Courtney Loveby Linda Carroll. Carroll was adopted and eventually got to know her birth mother, so there is that relationship, and the relationship with the parents who raised her, and then the relationships with her own children, including one who has been famously difficult.
For the Long Reading List it fit in with difficult childhoods, but also some other reading material that dealt with adoption tied in really well. Perhaps its overall message has ended up being that there are some things you can't fix, in spite of love. Fixing yourself first is a good thing, and a reasonable priority, but there will still be things you can't change.
One thing that I have always seen as a difference between my mother and myself is that she worries a lot, about everything. I thought I was opposite, but am not sure now. I can find lots of problems and let them eat away at me. I worry more for her. It doesn't really help. My worrying won't take away her dementia.
But my acting can make some things go better for longer. Today I wrote up reference sheets for her on the areas where she gets confused most. I had this idea for drawing some maps that could be helpful too. I can try that tomorrow.
It doesn't take the worry away. I don't really have a solution for that.
I'll just do what I can.

Band Review: Partisan

There is a Forbidden Planet remix, "Tonight", on Partisan's Soundcloud. Its pronounced techno elements make it a departure from the infectious grooves of their previous songs, which tend more toward rock anthems.
Truth be told, I prefer the rock. Songs like "Grounded" and "Pushing Up Daisies" are hard to resist. However, a new song, "Juggernaut", was recently added. While it is closer in overall sound to the earlier songs, there are some synthesized accents that do not detract.
It seems reasonable to conclude that while Partisan is already a band that knows what they're doing, that they are still learning and growing and expanding their boundaries.
Coming from Manchester, Partisan plays frequent dates in the UK but has some US dates coming up in the fall.
http://www.wearepartisan.rocks/
https://www.facebook.com/wearepartisan
https://soundcloud.com/partisan77
https://www.reverbnation.com/partisan3
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVWfINxH-acNJ6LrVf4Vj4A
https://twitter.com/Wearepartisan