Gina Harris's Blog, page 141

Band Review: Pink Panda

I had some difficulty when I started listening to Pink Panda, not in terms of finding music, but figuring out what was them. There were remixes of other artists' songs and guests, and a whole section that really only seemed to be Kim Porter. Even the main picture worried me. It was of three people wearing panda masks who seem to be male, but the earliest songs I was listening too were female singers. I wasn't sure I was actually reviewing the intended band. Even if I was, I didn't feel like I was getting a handle on the band.
Once I started watching their music videos, things started to make sense. The lack of humanization that I saw in the first picture was magnified. It wasn't necessarily bad; I thought the video for "Argon" was pretty cool.
It makes more sense when looking at their profile. They list themselves as Producers/Remixers & DJs. They aren't really a band in the traditional sense. However, if you look at dance music, and house and club mixes, there is some tradition. Possibly the natural audience for Pink Panda would be fans of Gorillaz and Teddybears.
There is nothing wrong with any of the music. It could fit into clubbing or driving or just working with music in the background. My favorite track was probably "Make a Move" which is distinctly different from "Make Your Move". However, I don't emotionally connect to it.
That is an important factor for me, but I am also not really into club music and there are people who are. They are probably getting different things from it.
It's always good to remember there are lots of different ways to make music.
http://www.pinkpandamusic.com/
https://www.facebook.com/PinkPandaOfficialUK
https://soundcloud.com/pinkpandaofficial
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyD_YrIl-ad7m17PCyEMPjQ
https://twitter.com/pinkpanda_uk

Tarnished silver linings

This phase of my life has me on edge a lot. I am worse at my compulsive behaviors, like computer games and picking at things. I might lose my temper in a semi-calculated way, like the incident Saturday night. I am trying to focus on things and behaviors that distance me from the edge, but there is one thing that I imagine could make me go off on a person. It's a silly, minor thing, but it will help me get into the next blogging phase, where I will be looking at social and political issues again (did you know there's an election coming?), so we're going to discuss it.
I have in my mind this idea of someone tentatively asking me "Do you think you might be depressed?", and me responding loudly "Of course I'm depressed! What kind of a stupid question is that? How would I not be?"
The weird thing is I state the obvious all the time, at least for humorous effect, but I feel like it would bug me.
The thing is, there doesn't seem to be a point in identifying it. My brain chemistry is functioning normally. I haven't finished the hormone book yet, but they seem pretty normal too. I just have some long-term stressful situations in my life that are bringing me down. I have to manage it on that level.
The post Monday will focus more on defining depression, because there are people who would not consider this to be depression in the absence of a brain chemistry issue, but we'll get there. For now I just want to go over two things that don't help.
I did have a silver lining. A few months ago, Mom started really enjoying her food more. This was gratifying in multiple ways. She was complimenting my cooking a lot, even though I wasn't really doing anything different. Even a decision to have raw baby carrots with the meal - which is not cooking, per se - was greatly appreciated. She thought they were better than candy. I had read that often with the elderly they start having poor appetites and being picky, where you may not be able to get them to eat a balanced diet, so it was a pleasant surprise.
That has ended. It's not just that there are no more exclamations, but there is a resistance to drinking enough and to eating fruits and vegetables. I believe it is because she worries about having to go to the bathroom too much, because she doesn't feel at home. However, shortly after that shift she also started complaining about her stomach gurgling and her not feeling well, and I think it's connected. I have tried talking with her about it, but turning down the fruit or beverage in that moment doesn't feel like a new habit, it feels like that one time. I know that she hasn't eaten her daily apple for several days now, but she doesn't believe it. (She does still eat her daily oatmeal, for which I am grateful.)
I am working on ways of getting around that, but that was a disappointment. It was something that made things harder, and reminded me that there will be more changes, probably not for the better.
The other thing that gets pointed out as fortunate is my unemployment, because I can be here with her. Yes, but it is also a depressing element. I am barely squeaking by on unemployment, and it will not last forever. I feel guilty spending money on anything fun, and those are on pretty minor things. There's not a lot to look forward to.
In addition, to keep the employment going, you have to keep applying for jobs. That also makes sense, because of the whole having money thing, but job searching is demoralizing enough on its own. I keep getting rejection messages, where they went with someone who was better qualified or a better fit, but I would have been a great fit for a lot of them. And if there is some element of relief because I can still be here, there are still feelings of insecurity and worthlessness and fear.
I have been in worse mental states than this, but based on energy, motivation, and ideation, I feel comfortable saying I am depressed. I am also comfortable in feeling that time management, self-care, and stress relief practices are necessary in my case, and that SSRIs and therapy aren't (without ruling out the possibility of them being helpful).
It is possible that I resent my life being in its current state, or just that there is enough other energy being expended that I have a shorter fuse, but I do not think that I would respond to the general question well. And maybe that would be someone pussyfooting around when I only have time to get straight to the point, or maybe it would be if someone thought they were being profound with the really obvious.
It just feels like a sensitive issue.

Setting expectations

I sent a firm e-mail to all three of my sisters today.
They have a habit of calling during the day, and asking me how Mom is. There is no good answer for these calls.
Often I could say about normal, which currently means that she doesn't know that she lives here, and at some point she may ask to go home and get mad at me. If you call before that happens it seems good, or after that happens it seems bad, but really it is all kind of the same. Her moods can change suddenly.
One thing that can wreck a mood is feeling disrespected or infantilized. Oddly, being talked about can put her there. Sure, she doesn't hear what they're asking, and I try and give non-specific answers, but that just leads to them asking more questions, and she knows. She has some tendency toward paranoia now anyway, and she knows. So at the end of the phone call she may ask me about it and be mad, or she may not ask me about it but still be mad. No thank you.
I had already said that this was not good, and they should stop doing that, but it didn't really sink in. I started the message this way:
"This is to let everyone know that whenever you ask me how Mom is doing on a phone call, I am going to say 'Bye now' and hang up."
I haven't gotten any pushback from the message yet, but I didn't send it that long ago. (Long day today.) I suspect the real irritation will happen after the first time someone calls and learns I was not kidding.
Part of this journey has been remembering - and often learning the hard way - that I need to take care of myself. which means paying attention to my needs. Part of that is also communicating my needs. My family has their moments when they are better and worse at supporting me, but they have never shown any psychic abilities whatsoever.
Also, sometimes they don't listen the first time. Delivering the message via a different method, and having an enforcement plan, may be necessary.

Therapeutic anger

My mother had a hard recovery from her first knee surgery. It was a really bad knee, so the surgery took a long time, leaving her under the anesthesia for a long time. She didn't just bounce back from that. Then it was winter, and she was always cold, and the second knee hadn't been done yet, so there was still a lot of pain there.
All of that was harder on her. The primary impact on me, besides general worry, was that she was not motivated to do her exercises. They were important for her recovery, but she did not sufficiently care.
I knew this was bad for her, and I tried lots of positive reinforcement, but eventually what worked was belittling and shaming her.
I let myself lose my temper at her and tell her that she was being - I don't remember my exact words, but stubborn and stupid probably came up. I didn't go so far as yelling, but I raised my voice at her and stormed off, and she immediately started doing her exercises. She was going to show me.
I felt like that would happen, which is why I let myself lose my temper with her. It was genuinely strategic, but the frustration was genuine too. I was glad it worked, but I wasn't exactly proud of myself either. I was mean to my mother. It accomplished the intended goal, but that the feelings were real was not something I could like.
I am entering that territory again.
This is not turning into a dementia blog, but it is coming up a lot lately, because I am feeling the impact more lately. That's probably not going away. I am currently the primary caregiver, so I deal with everything, and honestly, Mom is worse with me. I suspect this is because regardless of what she remembers or doesn't remember, she still has a greater trust for me, making it safer to act out. That has been hard, and last night I yelled at her.
It was like the other time in that it felt necessary, and because the feelings were real. It was different in that I wasn't sure what I was trying to achieve. When I wanted her to do her exercises, success was pretty obvious. For this, I didn't know.
I mean, I know that the problem was that she was mad that we weren't letting her go home, and we were killing her and driving her crazy and being dishonest with her, and I didn't want that. After yelling, what I got was hedging at first, then she went for a ride with one of my sisters for a while, and then she got really confused and devastated and cried and apologized to me.
I know at one point there was a moment of clarity where she saw that she had been wrong: this was home and we were not lying to her and her mind was confusing her. I also know that these moments of clarity devastate her, and they don't last. Maybe it's good that they don't last because they are so devastating, but if the clarity would last, it wouldn't have to be.
The harsh words last night don't seem to have harmed her, maybe they even helped in the moment. I still don't feel good about it. I guess I was pretty devastated too; I cried a lot while she was out for the ride. Also, I know that the rest of the family is going to take cues from me, and I don't trust some of them to use getting mad as a strategy.
I don't really have a strategy. I have thoughts sometimes about things to try and do, but the ground keeps shifting beneath us. A lot of things that seem like they could help don't, once tried. And sometimes, maybe the thing that seems like a horrible idea if you can even call it an idea, because there wasn't a lot of thought that went into it, maybe that can be okay.
I am adjusting.

Band Review: Chin up, Kid

Chin Up Kid is a pop punk band from Indianapolis.
They list themselves as "Good ole' Indiana easycore". While it's certainly true that they are not hardcore, the guitars and percussion do drive and there is a good strength to the music. It does come off as more plaintive than aggro (this is most true on "Letters"), but it works on that level.
They reminded me most of Atlantic Aftermath, which is probably not a useful reference point. I think fans of Direct Hit! could enjoy them.
https://www.facebook.com/chinupkidin
https://chinupkid.bandcamp.com/album/the-way-you-live-is-common
https://twitter.com/chinupkidin

Band Review: Nathan Fox

Nathan Fox is a musician from La Jolla, California.
On iTunes he is classified as pop, which doesn't feel quite right. There are hints of soul and funk, with a definite old-timey feel. Generally this ends up being fun to listen to, upbeat with accessible lyrics. That mood is maintained even when the lyrics take a darker turn, as in "Devil & the Hourglass".
In one of the songs, "Dr. Marten", the lyrics seemed a little too simplistic, but this song was written when Fox was 16. You can hear how he was already gravitating toward his current style even from that early age.
Fox plays live shows frequently and is starting to have his music featured more in entertainment, providing another way in which he is accessible.
http://nathanfoxmusic.com/
https://www.facebook.com/NathanFoxMusic
https://www.youtube.com/user/NathanAFoxMusic
https://soundcloud.com/nathanfoxmusic
https://twitter.com/nathanfoxmusic

Back at a Comic Con

I haven't been to a comic convention since the last Stumptown, back in 2013. I had planned on going to Rose City too, and volunteering, but I backed out, not happy with their system.
I still have no desire to volunteer at Rose City, but a lot of my concerns about things being too big or too Hollywood were completely unnecessary. Yes, there are many people for whom $40 will get you an autograph or a picture, but the other things are there. When you are in a panel, it may not even be obvious how big the convention is, depending on the panel. The exhibitors are still there, and maybe they are doing better than they would at a smaller show.
I had not pre-purchased a ticket, so had to get one there. That line directs you into the celebrity area, but then you are in Artists Alley, where there were many familiar faces. I did not socialize much, not having a voice still, but it felt good seeing them. I also got Dark Horse swag and saw some amazing Lego creations, along with the costumes I mentioned yesterday. That's some good stuff.





I started with a comic book editing panel, and one of the things they advised was reading as many comic book scripts as you can. In the spotlight on Gail Simone panel, I won a Batgirl script! How perfect is that?
That was going to be a good panel anyway, but if you follow Gail Simone on Twitter (which I recommend) you are familiar with the saga of King Buttermilk. I was excited to see him there, and even more excited to get a picture with him after. 

Bob Schreck offered valuable insight on Getting Your Foot in the Comics Door. It was geared more toward artists, but that was interesting, and he was fun to listen to. I really like comics people for the most part, and just being around was great.
The importance of networking was hard to ignore, and perhaps my silence was a missed opportunity, but I just didn't have it in me that day. However, karaoke appears to be an important part of networking, and that fits into my wheelhouse. For now, continuing to submit to Amazon Studios makes a lot of sense for my strengths, so keep working on Powers and Requiem.
I attended one of the big panels, and that was Peter Mayhew's and Brian Herring's War Stories.

I do love Star Wars, but I think my decision to go had a lot to do with Kenny Baker's recent death. It reminded me that it's been almost 40 years since the first film came out, and the cast aren't getting any younger. I didn't want to miss a chance, and the assistance Mayhew needed getting on stage seemed to reinforce that. Beyond that, though, he was just such a lovely man.
He may not answer exactly the question you ask, or in the way you expect, but I felt he was inherently likable. I enjoyed him, and Brian Herring - one of the BB-8 puppeteers - was a delight. I felt a little bad for him because all of the questions were for Chewbacca, but the moderator did a great job of bringing him in. (Gail Simone's moderator was excellent as well.)
Also worth noting is that there were so many more panels I would have liked to attend but couldn't because of overlap. That is frustrating in one way, but on the other hand, how wonderful to have so many great choices.
I don't know if I will want to cosplay again, but I know I will want to attend again.

My first cosplay

As part of my issue is needing to reconcile with being fat, when I was thinking of possible costumes I tried to think of fuller-figured characters. Two that came to mind were Ursula from The Little Mermaid (which is a possibility for Halloween) and Velma from Scooby-Doo.
Looking at the pictures, Velma isn't really fat. Compared to Daphne she seems stocky, but some of that is height and manner of dress. Still, pulling off the bookish, less attractive girl seemed like a possibility.
I don't know why, but I always thought that Rose City Comic Con happened later in September. That and being sick put me into scramble mode to make it happen. In that respect I am somewhat proud that I pulled it off. There were concerns about spending any money at all, of course, and needing expedited shipping didn't help, but I will wear the various articles from the costume again, though probably not together. Well, I don't know if the orange socks will get much wear.

Hair was the part that went worst. I had been thinking that I needed to put getting my hair done on the needs list for about two weeks, but I had put it off, and then I didn't have a voice to make the call.
I haven't been in since March. Hair care seems like a luxury during unemployment. I have touched up my roots a few times myself, but I am getting pretty shaggy and I can't even tell you what condition my layers are in. I have an appointment now, but for Comic Con I was going in with long, frizzy hair and roots showing.
I picked up a temporary kit for the roots problem. Since it was temporary, and I was thinking of Velma, I went a little more chestnut. This was a mistake. The color that went on top of brown is okay, but the color that went on top of gray is so blatantly, almost fluorescently red. Good to know. I had hoped I could blow dry my hair straight and then curl it under. I did blow it out some, but I still had a ponytail going, and way too red.

I will write more about other aspects of the con tomorrow. Having only a partial voice affected that and my confidence as a cosplayer. Still, some hopes were accomplished, and some weren't.
I was really hoping someone would tell me I was adorable. That never happened. On a more basic level I hoped the costume was recognizable. When the evil clown at the Fright Town booth smiled at me and said "Jinkies", I knew that part was working out.
There was also another Velma, sitting in the row behind me at one panel. Awkward! But not terrible. He had on an orange dress that was more similar to the movie version; I think I looked more accurate to the cartoon. Of course, his hair was better.
One thing about being at any convention is that there are so many amazing costumes, I was not likely to stand out. That was okay. I know realistically that my costume could not compare to some of the others, which are often breathtaking. At the same time, I enjoy the less amazing costumes too. There was a Deadpool with a boom box, and as he played music and danced around to it, a T-Rex accompanied him. Okay, it was not the best T-Rex costume I have ever seen, but I still loved it. If that doesn't make you smile, I don't know what will. 

So it could have gone better and could have gone worse, which sounds about right for a first attempt. I am not addicted, or planning next year, but I accomplished something I set out to do, and with harder circumstances than I'd been expecting when I first formed the plan. For now that's enough.

Dressing up

Dressing up was one of the items on my To Do list, but when I wrote it I was not sure what that would mean.
I had been thinking about it from when I realized that I hadn't had the heart to really get into Halloween costumes for a long time. I love the creativity of Halloween, and costumes can be a great part of that, but they hadn't been for me.
You may not know this, but I love a lot of people who get really into dressing up. Some of my favorite people from college are the children of Merry Pranksters. Sometimes you don't even realize that they are in a costume because they try so many looks. My Chemical Romance and James Dewees? Yeah, they dress up. I have a friend from school who runs races in costumes. I love them and the things they do, but they have also been inconceivable to me.
One thing I like about myself is that I enjoy other people's enjoyment. If there is a thing that you are passionate about and I have never and probably will never try it, I will still easily enjoy listening to you talk about it, because it's great that you love it. Still, the dressing up problem went beyond a lack of interest.
I am used to not looking good. It is a deep source of pain, but it has also been one that I have usually pushed to the side: no one is looking at me that way, so it doesn't matter how I look. That works when I am wearing my usual neutral clothing, but when I try to go beyond that, I do feel it. Costumes go beyond that. Trying to look nice goes beyond that. Trying things on looking for a nice outfit is agonizing, because everything just reminds me that I'm fat and hideous. I'm better off in my knits.
I wasn't sure how to go against that. Different thoughts included going bare-legged more so that the bad leg was out, cosplaying, dressing up for Halloween, or dressing up fancy for something like New Year's Eve. I decided on all of the above.
Frankly, our laundry issues have been really helpful in going bare-legged, as I am much more likely to run out of pants. That has also not been that big a deal. Okay, maybe some people notice, but maybe it's not quite that freakish - at least not more than simply having fat, not-that-shapely legs.
Cosplaying was going to take more effort, and it nearly caught me off guard, but Saturday was Rose City Comic Con and I did it.
More on that tomorrow.


For now, besides realizing how quickly Halloween will arrive, all I can really promise is that I will continue to face things head-on. It is not great for my self-esteem that I feel built like a freight train, but I can still take some inspiration from it.
Related posts:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/10/this-next-section-to-do.html
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/03/glamour-less-shots.html

Band Review: Firstborn

I usually don't connect my reviews in the same week, but there is a notable contrast between today's band and yesterday's that feels worth addressing.
Yesterday's band had videos for every song, yet despite cosmetic changes there was a recurring theme of frenetic narcissism, and disappointing lack of emotion.
Firstborn has one official video, for "Incomplete". It is pretty low-key, but it is beautifully shot and the images are in harmony with the song and its emotions. That alone is worth appreciating.
Firstborn delivers emotionally. They list one of their influences as Linkin Park. That makes sense given the combination of rock and pathos. Some songs are fairly dramatic, but generally the emotions come through more naturally.
Firstborn is an alternative rock band from Borås, Sweden, but sings in English. If I may bring in one more band for comparison, I remember that when listening to A-ha lyrics (which I studied scrupulously), there was often a poetry that I felt came from the language barrier. Despite being very different lyrically, there is still some of that sense. They use different constructions that make you stop and think about what they are saying more deeply.
Long story short: this is a good band. Worth checking out.
http://www.firstbornband.com/
https://www.facebook.com/firstbornofficial/?fref=ts
https://www.youtube.com/c/firstbornvideo
https://twitter.com/firstbornmusic