Gina Harris's Blog, page 148

Concert Movie Review: Mötley Crüe: The End

Tuesday night I went to see a film of Mötley Crüe's final concert in Los Angeles at the Staples Center. All night I was dealing with a paradox: I both like and don't like Mötley Crüe.
They are good musicians. Watching Mick Mars shred is still amazing, and I saw Tommy Lee play while moving and upside down. They are good at what they do, and just hearing the intros on a lot of the classic old songs is exciting.
But generally speaking, I don't like their music thematically. Strippers, smoking, drugs - these are not my favorite things, and they get tiresome. It's not unexpected, like the apparent impossibility of completing a sentence without using any expletives, but it grates a little.
That aspect may have been best demonstrated by the two dancers. They had microphones sometimes, so I guess they were backup singers, but I never heard them, there was nothing in the music indicating that backup singers were really needed, and the choreography wasn't anything special to add to the songs. They were simply there to indulge male fantasy, and completely unneeded when there was so much other spectacle.
And there was spectacle! It was such a big show. In addition to Tommy Lee's roller coaster drum kit, Nikki Sixx had a flamethrower bass, which was a lot of flame, but small compared to the overall sea of pyrotechnics. Toward the end of the show, large arms descended from the framework, and Sixx and Vince Neil jumped on them, getting their own turn to be raised above the crowd as confetti flew. Just as you thought Mars was the only one being left bound to the stage, the platform beneath him - which had showed no previous signs of being able to do so - began moving upward, lifting him too.
Much of that was new for their final show. The drum coaster has been traveling with them, and in what I believe was unplanned but perfect, it broke as Tommy reached the far end. Normally it would have taken him back to the stage.
They just rolled with it. He released his sticks, letting them drop to the crowd, and talked a little while two techs climbed up and helped release him. Then he climbed down the frame like it was no big deal. (The concert footage was interspersed with interview footage, so I have no idea how they got the drums back for the rest of the show.)
The malfunction underlined the finality of this performance, but that came through in the interviews too. Mötley Crüe is done. They've been very clear about that. In separate interviews they all confirmed that they will probably not see each other anymore. Their tour manager confirmed that on the tour they ride separate buses and usually stay at separate hotels.
It makes sense because they are obnoxious. They want to be. Their philosophy for planning the tour was think of the most obnoxious thing possible, and then double it. They are awesome being obnoxious, but it can grate, and apparently that includes them grating on each other.
Being Mötley Crüe may mean being obnoxious, but they own it. They do it gloriously. They may fight with each other, but if anyone targets one of them then the rest have his back. They each got their own moment on stage. Instead of playing a bass solo, Sixx talked to the audience for a while, and it was a sweet moment that would have seemed a mismatch with the rest of the show, but it was about persistently disobeying his grandparents and getting a knife.
And that's the paradox of Mötley Crüe. I may shake my head at them, but then I'm smiling too. I wouldn't want to be in that band, and maybe even they would be happier in a different kind of band, but they've still had something pretty cool. When they decided to go out they did it in the biggest way possible, hitting every city they wanted with a huge show, and closing by bringing in 2016 in the city where they got started.
Good on them.
http://www.motley.com/motley-crue-the-end-coming-to-theaters-for-one-night-only-june/

Learning to trust in me

In this process, taking a realistic view of things is important - you don't lend out money you can't afford to lose - but that in itself does not require trust; that was just learning that some things weren't about me.
That de-personalizing was huge, but it doesn't solve everything either. Even knowing that some people will be kind to you because they are good people can play tricks with your mind when you think that is the only reason anyone is kind to you. It can be so easy to see worth in everyone but you, and that's not what I was striving for.
For that last part, there are two things that helped. One is a matter of choice. I choose to be the kind of person I want around. I often don't have someone to listen to me, but I can listen. Sometimes I really want to be left alone to read my book or to think, but I still listen, because people need that.
Sometimes I also talk. I feel a need to greet someone or ask them a question or pay a compliment, and I feel like a nuisance but I do it anyway. It is often good.
Putting what I want in the world, and often seeing it go well, is empowering. That leads to the second help. Actually, I had written my own answer a few years ago.
It was back in the fan fiction, when Dante (old, desiccated, and fallen from his former glory) is trying to instruct Mikey (misunderstood teenager always ready to explode with anger) in Kung Fu (for which all of my knowledge comes from the internet).
Dante: I thought we needed to work on your mind, and we will, but we will start with part of kung fu deed: xin. Trust.
Mikey: How can I trust?
Dante: It is possible because it is necessary.
Mikey: Trust them? I can't even talk to them!
Dante: It is not merely trust for others. You must learn trust for yourself, trust for your body, trust for the laws of physics. Other trust will follow.
I ended up being proud of that section for what it was, but the pride was in creating something that felt real without feeling like it was about me at all. There was still truth in it for me.
I can trust because I can survive. I have loved and been rejected and survived. I have lost jobs and survived. I have been harassed for my political views and survived.
When my father and I reconciled after the first time he disowned me, it was a relief, but I also remember knowing at the time that if we ever fought again we would not make up. Because of that I was always very careful with him, extra thoughtful and acting as a peacemaker with everyone else.
There still came a time when there was another fight. It was a choice. There was something more important than keeping peace with my father, which was looking out for my mother. I survived that. I thought I would try and reconcile later, and found I didn't have the energy for it. That was still a choice, and I still survived.
That strength has been a long time building. Becoming open, where I can say anything and live with it, was built up over time. A lot of it happened through this blog, where I take ownership of my frailties, but also my abilities.
I believe there are good people. I believe in love. I believe in God and life after death. I believe in the power of kindness. That is why I can trust.

Trusting, Part 2

I think this is actually going to take me three posts. Knowing me, doesn't that seem kind of typical? That's one of the points.
One big part of getting comfortable with trust was that it stopped being personal. People are who they are. That can and does change, but it's not really about you.
I had to unpack my own concerns about whether or not I was lovable from it. That's okay, because that was one of the other topics, so I was always going to have to take a look at that. Regardless, I had to see that there are things I do for friends that I also do for strangers, because it is the right thing, or because they need it, or because it is easy for me to do and I am an obliging kind of person.
That is also true of various friends. They might come through in a pinch for me, but they would also do it for someone else. They come through because they are good people. It contributes to my liking them, though it is not the only factor.
Back when I was thinking about people I could rely on, and writing about People Pleasers and Attention Seekers, there was one friend I thought about. She read The 9 Types of Lovers and she was devastated to see herself as an attention seeker. She was an attention seeker, but I also enjoyed spending time with her. She knew a lot about music and her knowledge base was different from mine, so I always learned things talking to her. I knew when we went out that we would focus on her, and I was okay with it.
As I was thinking about boundaries, a quote from Maya Angelou kept coming to mind:
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
People are always telling you who they are. That can be a long conversation, because there are nuances, but again, that is about them, not you.
Part of my problem was that I would see that some people do get treated better for being beautiful and loved, but there's not a solid foundation to that. An impatient person may temporarily have more patience for a new girlfriend, but as they get into a routine, and comfortable with each other, he is probably going to revert to being impatient.
That's not horrible; affection for one person can even set you on the path to being a better person, though it will take time and some additional understanding where you begin to see the value beyond that person.

There is a great deal of beauty in being able to let people be fully themselves and not take it personally. You can appreciate their good points without resenting their bad points. Ideally, you will be able to view yourself that way too. Some things need to be looked at differently.
I was at a low point some time ago around my birthday. I ended up having a good dinner with some appreciated friends, but before getting there I was deeply hurt by a few declines and one invitation that was ignored. That was a time when I wished I was special enough to warrant the extra effort.
In retrospect, I did not let them know how important it was to me. If I had been thinking in those terms, I'm not even sure I would have decided it was important enough to ask them to cancel on their families for their other plans, but they had no way of knowing I was even thinking in those terms. And it would not have felt good to say, "Hey, I'm a wreck and feeling like a failure and I just need to believe I matter," but they were people I could trust with that information, and then if they still couldn't cancel they would have found some other way to be there for me.
I believe I can wrap all of this up tomorrow. Three posts isn't bad if you consider how many years getting here took.

Trusting, part 1

I'm late today. There's a heaviness to me now that I haven't felt since Sandy Hook. While there are other things going on now besides Orlando, there were other things going on then too. Sometimes it just seems like a horrible world full of horrible people.
I am not ready to write about that yet, but something that I was thinking about writing can fit, and I am going to try and do that.
I have trouble trusting. That insecurity manifests in different ways.
Once upon a time when I was in a singles ward that had regular potlucks, it meant always having to bring a main course, and probably a dessert too. Some of that was feeling that I needed to do more because I was not good enough on my own, but also, that was not believing other people would come through either.
Those twin concerns (of me not being enough and of other people not being reliable) led to a really exhausting life of over-functioning.
I was once a big fan of the Xanth novels by Piers Anthony. In the first one, A Spell for Chameleon, the protagonist Bink - along with Chameleon - is stuck traveling with Trent, who was exiled for an attempt to usurp the throne and is now back in Xanth to try and win the crown again.
One night they agree to take turns keeping watch, and Trent easily lets one of them take the first watch and goes to sleep. Chameleon and Bink debate about how easily he trusts them. Bink thinks it should be easy for Trent to trust them; knowing that he is the crafty and ruthless one, he should feel safe from anyone else. Chameleon points out that dishonest people are always waiting to be stabbed in the back because they think everyone is like them.
We do tend to believe others are like ourselves. I have definitely noticed that people who are always criticizing the attractiveness of others are never satisfied with their own looks, and assume that other people are looking down on them too. It also works in that people can have a hard time believing that someone they know and like would do a horrible thing, because they can't picture doing it, so how could their peer? It would make sense if someone who was always looking for ways to hurt others expected similar behavior from others; it would at least make justifying the harmful behavior easier.
Based on that, if I believed that I could never do enough or be enough, maybe it made sense to expect others' efforts to fall short, but that wasn't exactly right either. I did think other people could be enough. I didn't think they would come through for me, because I wasn't worth it, but why shouldn't I expect there to be enough food for the potluck that they were also eating at? Well, that becomes a tangled mess.
In fact, there was a time when I had been happily bringing only one thing, glad to participate and not worried about others. Over time the population changed, and there was a different group with an unfortunate percentage who might expect to eat without bringing anything, or where we might end up with a lot of chips.
At that point, there was some realism to my concern, but still too much personalization of it. It didn't need to be my problem, except that everything was my problem.
Now I am more careful about accepting responsibilities, but I still have a hard time trusting other people to carry out theirs. Sometimes this is reasonable. Not too long ago I had asked someone to be responsible for peeling and separating Mandarin orange slices. This is not a hard task, but it is a pain and I had other things I needed to do. It was a big step for me to ask someone else to take the responsibility. That made it a big setback when I later learned he still thought I was going to buy the oranges and bring them to him, adding enough hassle to erase any possible good that would come from him doing the peeling.
And that wasn't even trusting anyone with my heart or dreams or feelings!
It's not just that people can be horrible. People can also be petty or lazy or clueless, and it might not always be obvious until it's too late. Over-preparing for potlucks and refusing to delegate tasks can be tiring, but they are minor compared to being able to let someone into your heart. I knew I was losing something valuable by what I had closed off, but there were still too many things that made trusting look like a fool's game.
I did eventually find my balance, but I'll save that for tomorrow. Do you trust me to do that?

Band Review: DigDugDIY

I hated this round of listening. That's blunt, and feels mean, but I hated it so much.
There was a hint going in. The home page has a strobe-y triple GIF  of Kelly Kapowski from "Saved By the Bell", with twice as many Kellys (still moving, but not as much) in the background. I have some nostalgia for the show, and I like Tiffani Thiessen - with or without the Amber - but the page was hard to look at. After hurting my eyes, it was no surprise he would hurt my ears.
If there were less of it, I could have tolerated it better, but there was so much. There was occasional organization into an album, but still with many, many unaffiliated tracks and all jarring and discordant. And long! There were fifteen-minute tracks!
I felt bad for last week's review of Culture Code, because even though the listening was pleasant nothing stood out, but I forgot how important pleasant was. My dog kept leaving the room. I don't think that's happened since M-83. (And they were just boring; this actually set my nerves on edge.)
So, really, I did not like this band, and I feel bad because I could probably enjoy the person behind it, but I cannot enjoy or recommend this music.
But if you are into industrial or art noise or something, you might like it. If you do, congratulations because it just goes on and on.
http://digdugdiy.com/
https://www.facebook.com/digdugDIY
https://soundcloud.com/digdugdiy
https://twitter.com/digdugDIY

Band Review: Purple Hearts

There is not a lot out there on Purple Hearts.
There are two songs on Spotify, two videos (for the same songs) on Youtube, and a Twitter account. It would probably be hard to build up the social media presence because there is at least one other band called Purple Hearts, and they have a Facebook presence. So, one possible step to progress would be changing the name.
It isn't always necessary to get bigger. This musician may prefer focusing on one song at a time, and sharing as new things come along. There are a lot of ways to keep creating music in your life. For my review, I can only focus on what is there.
I like the songs much better without the videos. There is some nice drama in the guitar accompaniment for "Love & War", and a good energy to the intro for "Over It". The videos feel like they really flatten that out.
Therefore, if you want to check out this Purple Hearts, start with Spotify.
https://www.youtube.com/c/purpleheartsofficial
https://twitter.com/PurpleHeartsOff

A guide to your parent's Mohs procedure

Five years ago I wrote about my mother's knee surgery. It was not a record-breaker for page hits, but I was able to see that people were sharing it. I knew how helpful some of those things I learned would have been to know before, so I got that, and I hope it helped people.
There are a lot of differences with this latest medical procedure, not the least of which is that my peers are just as likely to be the patient for a Mohs procedure, whereas we are still mostly a little young for knee replacements. Also, there were many things about our case that were atypical. Still, I learned things, some of which could be helpful to others. Also, it's been on my brain.
It started with what seemed like a surprisingly tough ingrown hair in 2014. We had showed it to Mom's general practitioner, and she even got a referral to a dermatologist. We were advised that we could have it removed but they usually work themselves out, so we left it.
A few months ago, Mom started complaining about it more. It was on the back of her thigh, so sometimes it would bother her while sitting. We made an appointment to have it removed, figuring we had allowed enough time for it to work itself out, so we might as well. The dermatologist shaved it off and sent it to the lab for a biopsy, and it came back malignant.
Yes, we worried that we had waited too long, but this was the other thing: in the office, for the first time I saw that the initial spot had expanded. It had been perfectly round, and now there was a little bump extending out the lower right.
I suspect that change was connected to Mom's discomfort. I think the first lesson here is pay attention. Pain means something. Changes mean things. The meaning may not always be a big deal, but it can be worth asking.
The second lesson was how valuable MyChart is. At least, for The Portland Clinic it is MyChart. I think some providers use the same name, mine for Legacy is different, but look there.
We got some information on the phone, but MyChart was where I could see the scientific name - leiomyosarcoma - and look up more information. This was where I could see that the dermatologist had consulted with a dermatopathologist - which was comforting. Most comforting was the note saying that in 2011 they had determined that when this occurs in the skin it has never been shown to metastasize into cancer so the "sarcoma" suffix is not appropriate in that case. All of the medical staff has been good about answering questions, but it takes time to process things. MyChart was a big help.
Although it was not malignant in the sense of likely to metastasize, it was still fast-growing - a trait common to the condition whether it happens in skin or muscle. The call notifying us that it was malignant also set up an appointment to remove and test more. That biopsy also showed spreading. That was when the Mohs procedure was recommended.
Mohs surgery is a microscopically controlled surgery, aiming to protect the skin. It is primarily used with skin cancer, because that is so often on thin layers of skin, and so often on the face, that preserving as much of the tissue as possible is needed. This is accomplished not just by the precision of the cuts, but also by testing the area immediately so you can tell if you got it all. Sending it to a lab takes time, and then you may not be able to get back to the area it had spread into until the previous cut heals, allowing more time for spreading. If you look on the Wikipedia entry for Mohs surgery, leiomyosarcoma is the last of the surgical indications, but after two failed attempts at removal, it was a completely logical step.
Testing immediately still takes an hour, but the nice thing about that is that patients can return to the waiting room. We had two excisions - the first time did not get everything, but the second did - but then we had to wait for Mom to get her stitches, so we took her out to get some lunch.
They had indicated that would be a possibility, but I thought it was strange; they cut you and you go to lunch? Yes! They just bandaged her each time. Because of the waiting for testing, there are several patients at once.
Most of the patients had bandages on their faces. I mention this because bandaging the back of the thigh is more difficult. Every time Mom pulled her pants on or off, the bandages were loosened. The first time it stayed in her pants, and I was the one who found it. (I told her to wear a skirt.)
That was another thing that was different. Most patients probably were not taking people in with them, but with my mother's dementia, I tried to be with her as much as possible. For the shaving and the other excision our dermatologist did, I was with her the entire time. Here, they sent me away for actual cutting and stitching, but I was there for everything else. I suspect that was unusual because when I was holding that bandage and seeing that hole in my mother's thigh, the assistant suddenly asked if I was okay looking at it, and I didn't get the impression that it comes up that often. (I'm not squeamish.)
We had to remind Mom a lot, and reassure her a lot that everything would be okay. I totally believed that everything would go fine every time I said it, but it was still such a relief after the second excision when the tests showed they had gotten it all. The emotions may not be logical, but they are real.
And that is probably the starkest contrast to the first knee replacement. After hours of major surgery alone in a hospital where my family kept asking for updates but I hadn't gotten any, I just burst into tears. Here, I was relieved, but not nearly as worn down. And it was a long day - we were there six hours - but still completely different.
So I will totally say that Mohs surgery is easier than major surgery for patients and families, but that's not why you do it. You do it because it works.
Thank you Dr. Rohrback, Dr. Kao, Keleigh, and everyone who helped.
Related posts:http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/06/guide-to-your-parents-knee-surgery.html

Quick progress report

If you have been following along at home, you may remember that I have given myself some assignments that I had not started yet, like transcribing my mission journals.
In addition, I also added a section with some new things that I realized I needed to do. That included making a list of things that I need when I think of them so I would not forget to take care of myself, getting a massage, and getting back to learning how to play my bass.
Today involved doing some preparation for that. My journals were not where I thought they were, though there were some interesting things in that location too. Following the music books I have wasn't really working for me; I am strategizing on what will. (It could be different books. That would be okay.)
And, of course, I am job hunting. I completed a self-assessment which was not helpful at all, and my job coach assured me that I was on the right track and needed to be persistent. Thanks!
Mainly, there is a level of organization being achieved. I have various things I know I need to do, or feel I should do, or want to do, and keeping straight the most effective use of my time at any given moment can be tricky.
Nonetheless, progress was made today.

When I don't appreciate you commenting, this is why

Not long ago, one of my friends posted a picture of a present her husband gave her. There were several likes, and some positive comments, and one person saying how she would never want jewelry.
I believe it was because anniversary gifts should be something both of them could enjoy (assuming that he could not enjoy her wearing something pretty he had bought). Mainly I just remembered thinking it was a rotten thing to do: this thing that you were happy about is wrong!
I got into another political dust-up on Facebook last week. It wasn't a particularly bad one, but it led to me having some new insights overall.
I opened with the first story because we may not like everyone's status updates, but generally it is expected that Facebook comments will be positive. If there are times when something bothers us and we need to say it, we will generally do that in a private message or a phone call: "Something about that guy you're dating creeps me out." "You're not looking very well; are you okay?"
Unless it's politics.
One of the questions asked in the latest interaction was "Isn't it normal to expect some hate when you post politically?" There is something wrong with humanity if that is normal.
The one complaint that has been bothering me the most - and this was more from the previous interaction - was that by not letting people comment with their disagreement, I am stifling open discussion, as if I don't believe in free speech and everyone has to agree with me or else!
I have in the past viewed this as a flaw with me, like the problem is that because I don't enjoy disagreement, I am the spoilsport. I try to be sensitive to that. If anyone gives a data point, I will research; if I am not sure what they are saying, I will ask a question; and I don't mention not appreciating the comments until there have been multiple interactions and it's not letting up. It never stopped people from being indignant, but I was trying.
I can't say why it clicked differently for me last time, but it did. It is the negative comments that inhibit free speech.
One of the big stories this year has been the harassment leveled by Sanders supporters against women criticizing Sanders or even moderately praising Clinton. I have not been thinking about that as much in terms of Facebook as in terms of Twitter, blogging, and news sites, where it gets much worse. In that realm - depending on your level of exposure - you can get thousands of flaming comments and death threats, where being called a paid shill is one of the milder insults.
Because of this, a lot of women who support Clinton refrain from posting, and that helps contribute to this narrative that even the people voting for Clinton don't like her and they're not enthusiastic about her, but are just cynics upholding the status quo.
I'm not saying it is always deliberate. Let me go back to last month. The other person - not the one I was close to - after the main argument kept coming back, escalating past commenting on my posts to tagging me in anti-Clinton memes. It felt overly intense, and I asked if he was doing this to every Clinton supporter he was friends with, especially if he was doing it to any male friends. (From some other threads, there would have been some other people he could have targeted.) Instead of answering, he was very angry at the vile accusation of misogyny and eventually deleted me as a friend, telling me that I wasn't worth it (which I had been trying to tell him).
I had not meant it as an accusation; I really wanted to know. I don't think he is a misogynist, or even that he is consciously sexist. However, teachers who call on boys twice as much as girls say that they call on them equally, and men who interrupt women in meetings and credit their ideas to other men say they don't do it, but then there's video evidence.
There is enough prejudice built and reinforced into the structure that it is easier to fall into those patterns than not, unless you consciously resist it. That structure allows a fair amount of policing of minorities. It's not a coincidence that it is primarily women who are being punished for their posts.
I have known that, and that is why I have consciously continued to post. I keep doing it because I don't want to give into intimidation, I don't want that to be a winning strategy, and I do it because there are people who feel like they can't. I don't blame anyone for deciding it's not worth - I have been very open about not enjoying it - but I can take it.
Making that choice means that I may be targeted by anonymous internet trolls. I have a low profile, so that helps a lot, but it's a possibility and I accept that.
I don't accept that objecting to it on Facebook makes me a tyrant. These are people that I like, and am glad to see. These are people that I pray for when they ask for it, and also sometimes when they don't if I don't know another way to help. These are people I have shared school or jobs or church with. Maybe we didn't even know each other well then, but I am getting to know them better now, and there are a lot of really great ones.
I do not have to expect a little hate there.
I am still not going to un-friend anyone over this. (Honestly, if they really can't handle it, they tend to un-friend me.) I suspect I will still engage at least four times before protesting, though I might phrase the protest differently. But, yeah, I've figured out the freedom of speech issue, and I am not the problem here.
That being said, I do want to point out that if your movement is capitalizing on the marginalization of others to enforce its message, that is the opposite of revolutionary. I mean, that's what Trump does.

Band Review: Culture Code

Culture Code is an Electronic Dance Music project of DJ Chris Bains, of Birmingham, England.
One of the most interesting things on the Culture Code Youtube channel was a tutorial on how to get the Big Sidechained Synth. It was interesting because that was a distinctive part of the songs, and because it seems generous to show others how to do it if that interests them.
It is possible that it was overused. Many of the songs seemed to blend together. The primary listening option I found was Soundcloud, with a long list of tracks, but very little organization. It is possible on Soundcloud to organize tracks into albums, putting them in an order where they build on each other or explore a common theme together. That could be a good direction to explore.
All of the songs were pleasant to listen to, but then after I could only remember the Big Sidechained Synth, and also the cover of "Young", because parts of that stood out, but that may be more to the credit of Fun..
For EDM fans, these could be strengths..
https://www.facebook.com/culturecodeofficial
https://soundcloud.com/culturecode
https://www.youtube.com/user/CultureCodeUK
https://twitter.com/CultureCodeuk