Marcia Fine's Blog, page 5
December 13, 2010
Crooked Nuns, Garbage and Dead Flowers
Now I understand we all have our scandals, but the latest news rocking New Rochelle, NY caught my attention. Catholic Sister Marie Thornton embezzled $850,000 from a suburban New York City college as Vice-president of finance. It was all for her personal use. Sounds like a Scottsdale story for sure!
Okay, maybe my mental picture of a woman with a no-nonsense haircut devoid of make-up in plain clothes and nurses' shoes lacks imagination, but what could she have spent that amount of money on? Designer lingerie? Jimmie Choos to roam her stark apartment? Wigs? Jewelry?
Nope! Gambling in Atlantic City! Blackjack specifically. And she must not have been very good at it. The 62-year-old sister of a religious order worked all week and used Iona College's money to play on the weekend. The tony school charges $28,000 a year for tuition.
When the college caught her after a ten year run they said she left for medical reasons. Most of the money was recovered and no one would have been the wiser except…for the fact that Iona College filed the losses on their income tax. Hello? You have an employee who steals almost a million dollars and you not only don't press charges but you create a cover-up and then you put in down as a loss on your taxes? Given that gambling is an addiction like alcohol is there any moral outrage?
By the way, a recent picture of her fit my description perfectly except I missed the eyeglasses.
Garbage and Flowers
I make an effort to go through all our mail everyday, sorting Maury's golf and political magazines, solicitations from charities, who, once you make a small donation because they got you with a limpid-eyed-child, dog or horse, will never stop, announcements from new chiropractors, cleaners and dentists in your neighborhood and invitations to charitable events that cost $10,000 a table, you realize that a lot of paper is being wasted.
There's not a solution for junk mail. It's a free country and people can send what they want. But, it freaks me out. I can fill up a large garbage bag with discarded mail, paper from packaging and plastic that won't be bio-degradable for 1000 years. If I add, the flowers that have bloomed and passed leaving purple petals on my kitchen counters, their pistons and stamens naked in smelly water, I could probably win a garbage contest. There's only two of us and an old dog. Wouldn't it be great if we could opt out of the mail? And then email? And then faxes? I think I'm stressed again!
December 6, 2010
Martini Glasses and Adult Chocolate Milk
My friends, Glee and April, decided to have a holiday party together. Glee, of course, celebrates everything and April is a cafeteria Catholic with a Jewish spouse so she's not sure what's up. It doesn't matter. Whatever holiday you have in mind, she can shop for it. And every occasion requires some form of jewelry. Just like every party has a gimmick.
The event was a Potini Party. "What's that," you ask? It's where you serve mashed potatoes in a martini glass and then have all kinds of toppings for them like sour cream, butter, chives, bacon bits and shredded cheeses.
Maury: Why the hell am I eating potatoes in a martini glass?"
Me: Sssh! Someone will hear you.
Maury: Is this some kind of nonsense trend that's supposed to fill me up? Every time I dig my fork in some of the sour cream dribbles down the outside.
Me: Maury! The girls worked very hard on this.
Maury: Is the rest of the dinner in martini glasses too? Because if it is–"
Me: As a matter of fact, there's a main-tini with cous cous and toppings, a seafood 'tini with shrimp and a desser-tini with chopped chocolate bars.
Maury: Who makes this stuff up? What happened to a nice piece of meat on a plate with a fork and knife?
Me: Stop being a curmudgeon and eat your dinner.
Nostalgia Drinking
As if Baby Boomers didn't miss their youth enough, two high school friends who reunited on Facebook, have started a company that serves up Adult Chocolate Milk. That's a mixture of your favorite childhood drink with 40 proof vodka in a fancy bottle that sells for $18-23.
Why do we need this you ask? Because we're stressed!
Where can you buy it? At every hip club in Scottsdale and Bev-Mo.
How has this become a trend so fast? Because every mother started doing it when the kids wouldn't go to bed.
November 29, 2010
Holiday Mania and More…
As if we all aren't busy enough and multi-tasking to complete our holiday schedules without participating in Black Friday, a few things have happened to create another level of anxiety.
1. Maury lost his keys again and although we have searched through every article of clothing in his closet with pockets for ten days, they have not shown up. He THINKS he threw them away because he usually has lots of important items in his hands from Home Depot when he comes in from the garage. Should I change all of the locks on the house? Do we really need anything from the file cabinet we can no longer access? Is it that important to have only one car key?
2. Glee is insistent that she wants to help me wrap the 32 Chanukah presents for the grandchildren. Eight nights. Four kids. I did the math. Never mind that some of the presents are as exciting as one pair of cotton underpants (Why didn't I get the days of the week ones? That way one package would have taken care of seven nights!) or a pencil from the museum store. Glee says we have to set an example by going green as we wrap everything.
"What does that entail?"
"You need plain brown wrapping paper or grocery bags without logos, raffia instead of cloth ribbons, fresh organic herbs and pine cones."
"I don't have any pine cones. I'd have to drive almost three hours to get them from Flagstaff."
"Start driving. Everything has to be natural and non-commercial."
3. A woman from the A&E reality TV show "Hoarders" brought home a pregnant rat. The Humane Society in San Jose has rescued 1,000 of them to put up for adoption. One creepy plague-carrying, citrus-eating rodent makes me apoplectic. One thousand? I'd need a strait-jacket. But worse, who do they think is going to adopt rats? "Oh honey, I got you such a great pet for Christmas! It eats everything and multiplies quickly." Do I need to mention the neighbors turned them in because "the pets" were actually eating the house?
4. April is only buying designer water with names like Lelu, Vidago and Tasmanian Rain. She is convinced that a new brand made from 12,000 year old snow is the answer to longevity, long before our atmosphere was filled with impurities.
"Jean, it's the fountain of youth. Steve got me Bling H2O from Tennessee spring water. It's only $50 for a Swarovoski crystal-encrusted bottle! And that's not as good as the new iceberg stuff. Glace is the purest of the pure. It's the French word for 'ice'."
"April dearest, I know you mean well, but that's all hype. Water is water. Don't buy into the latest trend."
When I told Maury about the entrepreneur investing $4.5 million to make bottles of water he shook his head and said, "People in Scottsdale will buy anything."
5. My mother has a boyfriend.
November 16, 2010
Cats, Urinals, Kids and ADHD
My husband Maury loves obscure information. The weirder the better. He reads me articles with fascinating information like the article in Science that claims cats have an instinctive understanding of fluid mechanics. I remind him that not onlydo we have a dog, any proximity to a feline pet causes him to rub his eyes red and sniffle. But he continues to impart what he sees as interesting. I also have no idea what fluid mechanics are and I don't care. My mother is convinced the woman from an Eastern bloc country who changes her linens once a week is stealing her vitamins.
"Jean, listen to this! These MIT scientists took three and a half years to figure out that only the tip of a cat's tongue touches water when they're drinking, It moves at lightning speed to generate a column of water." Why should I care about this? Will it assist me in managing paranoia in the elderly? "They close their mouths quickly to get the column." He puts down the paper with triumph.
"Sweeetheart, I know these things absorb you but my mother has called three times today and the manager at Friendly Arms says she's causing a ruckus. What if we have to move her again?"
"Four scientists observed ten cats, plus a robotic one built for the International Space Station, and watched six videos uploaded on You Tube before they tested their theory at local zoos. They don't use their tongues like Amber in a ladle fashion. They take bigger sips to get the needed balance between inertia and gravity."
"Maury, darling, what possible practical significance could this information possibly have? Does it make any difference in our lives? Who cares?"
He doesn't respond because he is stretched out next to our ancient dog's water dish watching her lap and spill water all over our kitchen floor.
Practical Advice
Maybe Chandler isn't Scottsdale but they've got some really smart people there too. Posted in the new City Hall bathrooms is a sign warning people not to drink out of the urinals. As if. They remind people that they're utilizing recycled gray water. I hope the cats can't read while they create the column of water to their mouths.
Kids and ADHD
It's official: one in ten kids has ADHD according to Centers for Disease Control publication, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. How do we know this? Because the parents of 5.4 recently diagnosed children, which is a million more than a few years ago, say their health providers have told them so. Most kids have a hard time paying attention and quite a few have impulsive or disruptive behavior, but do they all need to be on meds? And why was the research published in that journal? I cannot make this up.
I know a few parents who would benefit from a serious diagnosis.
November 8, 2010
Nothing Is Safe
You may think that you're eating a healthy diet with only occasional lapses, but according to scientists, you're doomed. According to the journal Environmental Science & Technology, researchers measured 105 foods and found "quantifiable levels" of bisphenol A (BPA) in 63 of them. In case you've forgotten that's the chemical found in baby bottles that caused mothers everywhere–especially in Scottsdale where they're extra careful–apoplexy last year.
So if our daughter, Lara, who is named after the heroine of our first date re-run movie, Doctor Zhivago, isn't paranoid enough, she is banning canned tuna and string beans as well as sandwich turkey meat from touching her childrens' lips. Young mothers have so much to stress about. That's why they never let their children out of their sight.
"Mom, did you know this toxic chemical is linked to cardiovascular disease, diabetes and male sexual dysfunction? Don't let Dad make those ginormous sandwiches with turkey meat anymore. Throw out all your canned peas!"
"Lara, calm down. We haven't eaten canned peas since you were a baby and that was only because you liked to roll them around your high chair tray. Since when are you worried about what goes on behind our closed bedroom door? I'll have you know your father and I are quite pleased with one another."
"MOM! Ever since the two of you started taking those super-vitamins and eating vegetables, you've gotten very cocky. You're totally unaware of the BPA in polycarbonate plastic and epoxy resins. Did you know recent studies say that mice who ingest bisphenol A get early puberty? Grandma might have adverse effects too. Don't they serve canned vegetables at Friendly Arms? She hasn't seen a fresh piece of broccoli in a year."
"Lara, your grandmother has no danger of early puberty and everything can be hazardous to us in some way. Maybe you'd better read the study about people who consume sugar the equivalent to two and a half cans of soda. They have higher blood pressure. Colorado researcher, Diana Jalal, M.D., says that much sugar can activate hormones and restrict blood vessels. How much Halloween candy did your husband and kids eat?"
"MOM! You know I have issues with too much information!"
October 31, 2010
Family Managers
Living in Scottsdale is a rare experience. Besides the fact that divorce insurance is the new rage so you can calculate an estimate of costs including moving, child care, new furnishings and counseling, our local magazine ran a six-page spread on "10 Ways Not to Lift a Finger." I'm sure if I fully understood what a Family Manager does I'd want one, too. I know I'm not interested in divorce insurance because Maury and I made an agreement a long time ago that we're not getting divorced. Why?
Because neither of us can take care of our adult needy children and my kvetching mother alone. It requires precise team work to babysit, pick up prescriptions, shoe shop, answer questions about CNN and FOX News and weather complaints on a variety of subjects including my wardrobe, Wolf Blitzer's wardrobe and why children behave the way they do.
So, when Glee and April called me together in one of their ill-plotted schemes I was amazed at their level of technology to do a three-way call–this must have been an emergency–and their bizarre suggestion.
"Jean, you're stressing out over little things. Maury losing his keys again means your family needs a manager. Someone who can keep track of everything," says Glee in her authoritarian I-know-what's-good-for-you voice.
April dives in with, " Roxie Bartlomew has a family manager who monitors all their family dynamics. She buys baby gifts, makes hors'doerves, schedules doctor appointments and runs errands."
"Can she go to the gym for me?"
"Jean, don't be ridiculous. She can take over some of the things you don't like to do or don't have time for…like picking up your mother for her dental and podiatrist appointments," offers Glee.
I can hear it now…
"Jean, there's a strange woman here dressed in inappropriate shorts who wants me to get into her vehicle for my visit to Dr. Saperstein's office. She's very insistent. I think I'm being kidnapped. If anything happens to me my jewelery has been moved from the frozen string beans in the freezer to the box of prunes in the the pantry. No one would look there."
"Ladies, I appreciate your concern but I think I have to live my harried, crazy stressed life myself. Without assistance. I can't hire someone to live it for me."
"Well, we're worried about you."
"I understand. But this conversation is giving me more anxiety because I'm not emptying the dishwasher and counting my vitamins. Did you know fish oil, besides giving you unholy breath, prevents against memory loss?"
October 21, 2010
Scottsdale Babies
We're family-friendly!
Parents magazine says we're ranked number one for the best city to raise babies. You'd never know that from all the complaints from Lara's friends. They're upset there aren't more binkies in special colors, free nannies and a drop-off toilet training center.
No matter. Back to the latest statistics. So what criterion did they use? Everything from the number of parks (41) to safety. As if the moms in Lara's mommy's group aren't obsessed enough they're checking the rankings and rushing to the car-seat authorities that assist with installation.
We were very lax in the parenting department. We didn't know there was danger lurking everywhere so we actually took vacations and left the children home with babysitters. For shame!
"Mom, I don't know how you could have left us with that maniac Avis while you went to Guatemala!"
"Lara, your father and I needed a break and some alone time. You wanted us to stay married, didn't you?"
"Mom, Gus and I haven't had a vacation since our honeymoon! We wouldn't consider leaving Tangerine and Buzz with a stranger."
"Avis wasn't a stranger. She worked for us for years… although she might have been a bit eccentric. Just because she drove her car like an Israeli tank and cursed out the window at people who cut her off doesn't mean she was a danger to society."
"Mom, how could you? Michael and I were petrified holding hands in the back seat. She wouldn't let us stay up late and watch TV either."
"Well, those were my instructions. We didn't want to come home to bug-eyed illiterate children who hadn't slept in days."
"Oh yeah? Well, I wouldn't say Michael turned out all that great. He's on his fourth multi-level marketing company."
"Have any other complaints about your childhood while you're at it?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm scarred for life because you never bought me a Halloween costume. We had to create a character, search for a costume in an old trunk and make ourselves up with two old black eyebrow pencils and a tube of red lipstick. The least you could've done was spring for a few more wigs."
"Well, I wasn't going to let you kids ruin my Persian Melon."
October 5, 2010
The Scariest News of All!
that Tuni's back in town promoting her new book about jail after serving a seven year prison sentence (I cannot make this up!). I was with the author who satirized her in Boomerang: When Life Comes Back to Bite You, a best seller based on a scam that involved artifacts inspired by the Vatican. Or that the group of people she conned out of five to six million dollars have welcomed her back ( Glee can't wait to have a luncheon for her!) because she is still very charming and a redhead whose chutzpah knows no boundaries. Ellis Sterling, her charismatic husband, has also arrived…
Or that Maury has Cabinet Blindness, a term I have diagnosed affecting all men over forty. It strikes with fervor when they look into a refrigerator or a pantry and can't see what's in front of them even with detailed descriptions.
"It's to the left of the lettuce on the bottom shelf."
"Which bottom shelf?"
"There's only one bottom shelf in the refrigerator." Unless you're in a space ship and up is down.
Or that our local newspaper devoted an entire page to how wonderful the economy is inside Barney's, one of Scottsdale's most upscale stores labeled as a "retail powerhouse." They recently hosted an event for the anorexic Olsen twins, because it doesn't have "that uptight Palm Beach feel to it." Whatever that is! I get loosey-goosey just thinking about $400 black T-shirts or $140 candles called "Un Gardenia la Nuit."
Or that the heat is extending our ozone risk so much we've broken all records for the colorless pollutant that irritates eyes, throats and causes damage to lung tissue over time, leaving people more susceptible to new infections as well as the warning from Benjamin Grumbles (I cannot make that name up!), director of the state agency who suggests we need year-round action to prevent smog.
It's the laptops! That's right! It's laptops on people's laps that can lead to "toasted skin syndrome!" The temperature in one case reached 125 degrees–almost an Arizona summer day! According to two Swiss researchers in Basel (I didn't make that up either!), it can even lead to skin cancer. Using your laptop on your lap for men can lead to elevated scrotum temperatures that decreases sperm production which potentially leads to infertility.
That's the scariest of all! Infertility from checking your Facebook account and tweeting all day! I knew there was something wrong with reporting what you ate or other mundane activities to the general population. I just knew it!
September 29, 2010
Are You Happy?
Okay, Folks, I know this is a relative question and it can shift many times during the day, but are you happy? Really happy? Bubbling, excited jumping up-and-down exuberant, thrilled and happy? No? Maybe you're content, cheerful, fulfilled and sitting there with a wistful smile on your face?
I ricochet around like a pool table ball all day long with my mother's calls to complain about getting old ("Mom, I can't do anything about that), whether her neighbor's hemorrhoid cream will shrink the bags under her eyes ("I wouldn't try that. If it gets in your eye you might be blind and I don't have time to get you a patch and a cane, let alone a guide dog that wears a special jacket." "A jacket? What color is it?"), Maury's sincere assistance that makes everything I do harder ("I'm sorry I put the wrong address in your GPS and you were lost for two hours.") or my adorable friends' suggestions.
"Jean, I'm worried about you because you're under so much stress. April and I are on this call because we care about you. A study by the National Institutes of Health says that the happier you are the less likely that you'll develop heart problems. Twenty-two percent less!"
"Right. If you're not going to take advantage of living in Scottsdale to shop or go to one of our exceptional spas–and keep in mind I'm happy to share my masseuse, Jerome, with you– then you you have to do the suggested exercises."
"Glee, April, I appreciate your caring very much, but I'm getting stressed just listening to your suggestions. I don't have time for exercises. I barely have time to close all the kitchen cabinets that Maury leaves open while he's looking for snacks."
"It's so easy. Just take a piece of paper and write down what makes you happy across the top– like your dog, reading, watching "Glee", Maury. Okay, well, maybe not Maury. Then list the ways you make each of them more enjoyable. Like under the dog category write down brushing for thirty minutes."
"Ladies, you can't be serious. First of all, I'm happy. Or relatively so. I wouldn't say I'm delerious but I'm happy. Secondly, if I brush Amber for thirty minutes she'll be bald and I'll have a giant hairball in my living room that won't allow us to breathe or see the TV. And, third, I don't have time to think about whether I'm happy or not. I just live."
"Well, that's no way to function!" Click.
September 21, 2010
Even the Dolls Are Getting Scary and the Big O!
The days of playing with a refrigerator box are long over. I don't know how but as kids we entertained ourselves for hours with palm fronds, used balls and spraying each other with a hose. A puzzle with missing pieces, your mom's old clothes and a ball and jacks took up hours of empty days. Today kid's request for toys have become more sophisticated. They market to the kids who can plead with their parents who then can nag the grandparents.
I admit to being c...
