Marcia Fine's Blog, page 4

Time Travel and Parisian Salons

With Lara in a panic about Gus biting other children in pre-school, our dog Amber's sebaceous cyst returning like a baby pod on her back and my mother insisting her underwear is missing at Friendly Arms, I jumped at the opportunity to relieve stress with the girls. Little did I know I'd be time traveling!

Glee plans on being swept away by the Medicis

If you could travel anywhere to any period of time, where would you go? It seems improbable but this topic came up in conversation during lunch at True Food with Glee and April today: time travel.

Glee's answer was no surprise as she sipped miso soup.

"I'd be a courtesan in 17th century Italy. I'd have lovers, live in a palatial estate, romance the Medicis and wear lots of jewelry."

"But, Glee, people hardly bathed and you could lose your head for a small infraction of societal laws."

"No matter. I'd rule my world," she says. "Besides, all the men looked like Fabio."

April offered, "I wouldn't travel anywhere because I want to stay right here right now. It would be way too much trouble to take my hairstylist, manicurist, massage therapist, trainer and three shih tzus with me."

Gertude Stein's Parisian Salon

I suggested, "There were music, literary and political salons. I'd like to visit Gertrude Stein's, an experimental writer and hostess of a Parisian salon where they practiced the art of conversation in the 1920s. She attracted expatriates and the avant-garde. I love her style of writing. 'A rose is a rose is a rose.' The way she juxtaposed words and phrases in an order that defied conventional logic and readers' expectations really inspires me. Besides, she entertained very famous people at her salon." Then I dug into my healthy fish tacos.

"Is that where everyone comes over and they all get their hair done at once?" April jokes.

"Like who?" Glee wants to know. "I had a legislator at my Day of the Dead party last year."

As my hand floats to my chest, I recount one of Gertrude's famous salons with her partner, Alice B. Toklas in attendance. "Can you imagine me sitting in an art-filled room with Pablo Picasso, Cézanne and Henri Matisse discussing art, politics, and writing? A dream come true."

April suddenly interrupts my day dream.

"I only do one thing a day so packing for the trip would interrupt my schedule of beauty appointments, massages and work outs. Can I watch the video?"

I've always wanted to visit Paris. The thought of lounging on a velvet chair in a Parisian salon listening to the near-famous discussing their thoughts is the perfect getaway from all the stress in Scottsdale. Now if I can only invent a time machine to travel back to the 1920s! Something else to put on my "to do" list.



Are You a Bighorn Sheep Fan?

For those of you who remember: Maury, my husband with the heartbeat of a snail, got me involved in a political campaign The opponent's developer husband not only destroyed native archeological ruins but also had a scheme to fly in potential buyers from the Midwest to buy multiple lots. Harmless enough. Except for what he did to make it look pastoral. Mr. Big Time Developer bought goats and bighorn sheep to graze the lands. Idyllic. Peaceful. Rural.

Until the goats contracted an eye infection that spread to the sheep who went blind. And fell off the fake mountain. I was upset for days that these beautiful creatures who love to lock horns could no longer see each other.

I cannot make this up! Consult Chapter 2 in Stressed in Scottsdale for more documentation.

I, however, am not the only fan of Ovis canadensis. It seems Zen Mocarski, an education manager at the Arizona Game and Fish Department, is one too. He spearheaded an effort to build three overpasses so sheep can cross safely. I admire him.

But, of course there's a level of absurdity to this as I point this out to Maury.

"Maury, Arizona's largest herd of bighorn sheep will be safe from traffic."

"I am very relieved to hear that."

"They were going to build underpasses like they do for elk and deer but the sheep are very visual and can detect movement up to a mile away."

"That's nice, dear."

"They don't like to go underground in dark, dank tunnels."

"Neither do I."

"Maury, this is serious. The biologists asked the sheep. They collared and captured 75 of them with the help of sportsmen."

"Wait. Those are the guys who want to kill them."

"Right. But they won't have any to shoot if the herd dies of disease or doesn't breed properly."

I continue to share this urgent information including the fact that this project cost $4.8 million. "They even seeded the surfaces with native plants and lots of dirt. Remote cameras took the first pictures of them crossing. I bet they looked cute with their little furry faces."

"Jean, do you mean to tell me they can't pay for transplants for a hundred people and they're funding driveways for sheep?"

"Exactly."

Why My Mother Might March

Why can't politicians keep their business zipped up? Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has scandalized his nation by carrying on with a seventeen year old belly dancer. Please understand that these things happen all over the world including Scottsdale, but finally the women of Italy are fed up. Hallelujah!

All it takes is a little bit of power and money and celebrity politicians in silk suits think they can get whatever they want. Before you know it we'll have Charlie Sheen or Jesse James as a head of state.

How did the conversation start between those two? "Buona notte, I'm Silvio. I run a country in my free time. Can I buy you a drink?"

Ridiculous. I love how all the news articles state that she earns money through spurious activities. Does it really make a difference what her profession is since she is obviously underage?

Finally, the women have had enough! Millions of grandmothers, mothers, and daughters are marching in the streets of Rome for Berlusconi to resign.  Oh, how I would have love to be there, even if it meant I had to go with my mother, who, by the way, has a lot to say on this topic.

"Jean, I want to go to Italy."

"Mom, today? I thought your bunions were bothering you. We have a four o'clock appointment with your podiatrist. Maury's having a Green Party meeting here tonight to discuss the bypasses built for bighorn sheep and Lara's decided to have a chemical peel and needs me to pick her up from the aesthetician. She says she's a strange shade of brown."

"I don't care. I want to go to Italy."

"What for? We can get you a good pizza at Grimaldi's."

"Jean, I've had it. Men have been taking advantage of women for centuries. It's time we stood up, put a stop to it and started marching. It's disgusting he's had so many affairs, especially with someone so young."

"But, Mom, Berlusconi isn't our President and your bunions would start to bleed after a block."

"I'll wear my support stockings and sensible shoes."

I can only imagine the all day flight to Italy.

"Mom, why are you dressed like you're going to a funeral?"

"Because that's what Italian women do. They dress in black for the rest of their lives after they become widows."

"But Dad passed away a few years ago. You haven't worn all black since then."

"I want to show my solidarity with all the women who have ever been cheated on by a conniving man."

"But Dad was loyal and faithful to you for fifty years."

"That's true, but how do I know what he's doing now?"

Mom, he's in heaven with angels who don't screw around. Besides, don't you think the black lace mantilla is a bit much?"

Anyway, if men in their seventies want very young girlfriends they should understand they can go to jail for that. And, my mother wants to give them a piece of her mind.

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

Dating in Cyberspace?

Are You Interested in Online Dating? This topic never interested me since I have been married to Maury since I was a child.

It always struck me as odd to find someone you met online and fall in love. Wasn't it not too long ago that they were warning us about people not being who they really are online? Even my mother weighed in on the issue.

"Jean, what's wrong with these people going out on dates with people they meet on their computer? They could be purse-snatchers or muggers."

"Mom, purse-snatchers go to shopping malls. They're not looking online."

The buzz about online dating begins with pressure being taken off of meeting someone face-to-face. You can actually control your first impression! Don't like what they said? Easy. Delete. If only I could have done this in real life during my dating years, it would have saved me from some really bad blind dates, including the guy who abandoned me in his car while he searched for water to give a dog tied up outside a restaurant and showed up thirty minutes later. Or the one who took me to see his cadaver at the medical school. And my mother thought he'd be such a good catch because he was a doctor!

I am beginning to think that online dating might work. The new trend is about how you can go on virtual dates! The guy can take you to a virtual coffee shop or bowling alley and you chat with each other during the date. I'm a terrible bowler so he wouldn't be impressed with my skills.

If the guy doesn't want to fork out a few dollars to spend Scottsdale wining and dining maybe virtual dating might work. Virtual dates also mean that women don't have to worry about the hours of work it takes to get ready before a big night out.

I happen to notice that Glee is always checking her emails with her new fancy smart phone. So I asked her about it.

"Glee, are you dating someone online?"

"What? Of course not! Well, actually, I'm dating a few people."

"Are you serious? How does that work?"

"They pick me up like a regular date only we're online at the same time. They pick exotic locations, wonderful restaurants and unique methods of transportation."

"You're kidding me."

"No, last week I went with Fabio on a romantic gondola ride in Virtual Venice. Then Pierre and I had a virtual dinner at the top of the Virtual Eiffel Tower. Next week I'm meeting Alexander for virtual snorkeling in the Virtual Greek Islands. I have a fabulous bathing suit picked out."

"But, Glee, you're not even going to get it wet!"

"Of course not. It costs $200 and has fake gold coins all over the bodice. They'd rust if I wore it in the water."

"That's right, I forgot. Cougars don't like to get wet."

If that's how dates transpire then maybe it can be love at first sight. I'll be lucky if I can get Maury away from the golf channel to go out for pizza!

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

Honeysuckle Is It!

I do not pay a lot of attention to fashion trends. Between my Stressed in Scottsdale life and a lack of style sense, I get dressed every day with abandon. At least I did until Glee and April called me on a conference call and told me that my wardrobe needed updating.

"Look, if you think I'm going to start running around in leggings with these chubby thighs, you've got another thing coming. I think it's important to act my age."

"Jean," says Glee in her best authoritarian voice, "you just need to be more contemporary. It doesn't have to be style as much as color."

"Does that mean I can't wear khaki and brown anymore?"

"Well, it does make you look a little militaristic," adds April in her throaty voice.

"Okay, you two. What's up? Don't tell me. Eggplant is the new hue and I'm supposed to wear it so I look like one."

"No, no, no. There's a new color that's a combination of orange, red and pink and it will look marvelous with your skin tone," says Glee. "The sales woman in Neiman's told me it's the most captivating, stimulating, viscerally alive color in the spectrum."

"Glee, she was just trying to get you to buy something. Remember you said you were going to stop shopping for a while?"

"Jean, it's a strong, positive, affirmative color that will change your attitude!"

"And," April pipes in, "it's the most important color for spring. They're going to be using it for clothes, candles and upholstery."

"Wait. You want me to dress up as a chair?"

"We're not saying you should wear it all the time. Just add a few pieces to your wardrobe and drop the leopard spots."

"I only have one animal print scarf," I say, a little hurt. Maybe I should pay more attention to what I wear. "Okay. What's it called?"

"Honeysuckle. It'll remind you of the sweet nostalgic fragrances of the nectar hummingbirds buzz around," says Glee.

"Are you kidding me? You want me to wear yellow? I'll look sick."

"It's not yellow. It's reddish pink with an undertone of orange," says Glee.

"April adds, "It can be worn Scottsdale casual or formal. Just don't pair it with black. White only."

"Thank you, ladies. I appreciate the wonderful advice. Just look for a hibiscus pumpkin in the aisles at Trader Joe's."

Are there Tiger Moms in Scottsdale?

Tiger Mom is making the news.  Apparently this woman is so strict disciplining her children; her husband has been defending her on television. Can you imagine Maury going on air to say I'm not a B#$$$%?! She forced her daughter to practice piano for hours without even a bathroom break. She even threatened to burn her daughter's stuffed animals if her piano piece wasn't perfect. And no TV. Ever. Or sleep overs.

When Lara and Michael were younger and didn't do something they were told, I would hide the remote to the TV. That kept them occupied for a couple of hours as they would try to look for it. After that I employed the B.I.T. Method of child rearing. Bribery, Intimidation and Threats. It worked every time.

Critics say Tiger Mom is crazy but in reality she's not that different than some Scottsdale moms. There are two distinctive types. The first doesn't want too much to do with their kids. They ship their children off to live with the other parent, boarding schools or pawn them off daily to nannies so they can live the Scottsdale lifestyle–mani-pedis, hair weaves, Botox injections (Did you know there are "Walk-in" specials for $5?!), shopping at Barney's and drinking martinis in the afternoon. Although, a martini does sound good right about now. My kids are grown so it's okay. Every woman needs a break.

The second type adheres to helicopter parenting and never lets her children out of her sight. These are the little ones who are allergy-prone, lactose-intolerant, gluten-free, asthmatic, vegan and prone to eczema. If momma manages every minute of their day there's hope they'll survive to get their driver's permit at twenty.

I admit I left Lara and Michael in their teens home alone for a night when I had to go to Tucson with strict instructions not to order pizza for delivery. You never know if your delivery boy is an actual serial killer. Paranoia runs in the family. My mother told me recently, "Jean, I know the caretaker here looked in my underwear drawer." There's really no response for that.

Anyway, Tiger Mom may be harsh but at least she is paying attention. Bet her kids score high on the SATs!

To purchase any of my books please visit Marcia Fine's website, Marciafine.com

Should Scottsdale Moms be More like Tiger Mom?

Tiger Mom is making the news.  Apparently this woman is so strict disciplining her children; her husband has been defending her on television. Can you imagine Maury going on air to say I'm not a B#$$$%?! She forced her daughter to practice piano for hours without even a bathroom break. She even threatened to burn her daughter's stuffed animals if her piano piece wasn't perfect. And no TV. Ever. Or sleep overs.

When Lara and Michael were younger and didn't do something they were told, I would hide the remote to the TV. That kept them occupied for a couple of hours as they would try to look for it. After that I employed the B.I.T. Method of child rearing. Bribery, Intimidation and Threats. It worked every time.

Critics say Tiger Mom is crazy but in reality she's not that different than some Scottsdale moms. There are two distinctive types. The first doesn't want too much to do with their kids. They ship their children off to live with the other parent, boarding schools or pawn them off daily to nannies so they can live the Scottsdale lifestyle–mani-pedis, hair weaves, Botox injections (Did you know there are "Walk-in" specials for $5?!), shopping at Barney's and drinking martinis in the afternoon. Although, a martini does sound good right about now. My kids are grown so it's okay. Every woman needs a break.

The second type adheres to helicopter parenting and never lets her children out of her sight. These are the little ones who are allergy-prone, lactose-intolerant, gluten-free, asthmatic, vegan and prone to eczema. If momma manages every minute of their day there's hope they'll survive to get their driver's permit at twenty.

I admit I left Lara and Michael in their teens home alone for a night when I had to go to Tucson with strict instructions not to order pizza for delivery. You never know if your delivery boy is an actual serial killer. Paranoia runs in the family. My mother told me recently, "Jean, I know the caretaker here looked in my underwear drawer." There's really no response for that.

Anyway, Tiger Mom may be harsh but at least she is paying attention. Bet her kids score high on the SATs!

To purchase any of my books please visit Marcia Fine's website, Marciafine.com

Snooki an Author?

I can't believe I am going to admit I know who this is but I can't believe Snooki has written her own book.  To top it off I can't believe her book "A Shore Thing" is on the New York Times Best Seller list.

I have been trying to write and publish a book for years and this girl out of Jersey comes along and all she does is drink, dance and fight.  How did it become #24 on the NYT Best Seller list?  From the short glimpse I have seen of her show, I didn't even know that girl could read above a 3rd grade level.

Snooki's response on Twitter "OMG I'm a New York Times Best Selling Author!!! Thank you so much to my fans, family and everyone who made this possible! LOVE YOU ALL!!" It is not exactly how I would respond if my book was this successful but I have to say I guess the girl is a walking orange marketing tool.

The latest I have heard is that now Snooki is getting tired of her nickname. She claims she misses being called Nicole but I don't understand how she can get bored of a name that made her famous, if this is even what fame is nowadays.

Glee loves Snooki.  She thinks she's an adorable little doll from a completely different planet.  I happen to notice that Glee has been a little more orange these days and trying different hairstyles to get the Snooki poof but look "less trashy."  Glee says she is going to invent the Scottsdale poof and it will be the next big thing.

It makes my skin crawl knowing you can make a fortune being a drunk, tan idiot on national television and develop a book out of it.  I was convinced someone wrote it for her but I read an excerpt and I am pretty convinced that it isn't possible for a professional writer to "dumb" themselves down that much.

Well, good for Snooki in the long run, hopefully once she drops the nickname she will also drop off as well.

Stress Free at Girlfriend Weekend

Girlfriend Weekend in Texas

Glee convinced me I should accompany her and April for a Book Club girls weekend in Jefferson Texas. "C'mon, Jean, You know you've been working a novel for years." Of course I didn't want to go because she's dragged me into so many weird situations. Ill probably never recover from the nudist camp. But that's another story. She promised me a girlfriends adventure extraordinaire and it was.

We flew to Shreveport, Louisiana and rented a car to drive to our destination. Glee rented the fanciest car she could find—a Toyota Camry that sounded like an airline motor with a large crow caught in it. She was the driver, I was the navigator (no GPS) and April curled up in her full length mink coat in the back seat for a nap. I had a carry-on but the girls brought their wardrobe so besides a full trunk part of the back seat was stacked with Louie Vuitton.

Of course I got us lost on Texas back roads where we had to ask directions from: a pig farmer in overalls with a few teeth missing, a gas station attendant who never took her ear plugs out and had two of her friends sitting on crates behind the counter and a Pakistani motel owner who promised me his rooms were clean.

Eventually we arrived at our destination and the cutest pre-Civil War Bed and Breakfast. The owner asked, "How long are y'all staying?" as he schlepped all our luggage up to a suite of rooms.

Girlfriends Weekend is the brainchild of Kathy Patrick, the most exhuberant, literature loving woman I've ever met. She also owns the only beauty salon/book store in America. Over four hundred book groups belong to her Pulpwood Queens book club.  She gives them reading suggestions every month, exposes them to the best writers and becomes their best girlfriend. It's all about tiaras, glitz and leopard outfits.  Glee and April fit right in with the queens from Palestine, Texas, Eureka, Kansas and the Book Sluts of Louisiana. April was a huge hit in her Blackglama and leopard sunglasses. These women like to read!

The best authors showed up, the ladies wore matching outfits, authors served us bar-b-q, we drank wine out of a box and attended a Hair Ball where book groups came as their favorite character. We weren't clear on this part so we showed up as ourselves and people complicated us on our costumes.

My favorites were the ladies who showed up as sorority sisters from The Help with their old pins and page boys, the Frida Kahlos (when you see eigfht women with unibrows and crepe paper flowers on top of their head there's no doubt), and the Alice in Wonderland Tea Party led by book cheerleader with a fully decorated and lit table. The winners, however, were the group who read Kathy Patrick's book, Pulpwood Queens, etc. dressed as the Queen herself—leopard caftans, matching orage wigs and pink feather boas.

This is Girlfriendom over the top!

A Palin's Moving In!

Bristol Palin Our New Neighbor?

So Bristol Palin bought a house in Maricopa, a city not far from Scottsdale.  I didn't even know she was old enough to own property. Glee says she paid $172,000 in cold hard cash. I wasn't paying careful attention, but are mediocre dancers earning big bucks? Or maybe she got paid a lot of money for doing the abstinence commercial with the guy from "The Jersey Shore" called "The Situation." Either way was it really necessary to use cash? No credit cards or mortgages up in Alaska?

Glee is fascinated with the fact that Bristol's new home has 5 bedrooms! "I bet one will be a dance studio," surmises my dear friend. In reality Glee wants to be her personal life coach and April wants to do a Scottsdale make-over on her. April said, "With the new body shapers and a visit to some of better Scottsdale boutiques she'd be a knock out."  Maury's worried that her mom, Sarah, is going to move in with her. "You know, Jean, I don't agree with their politics, but if Todd wants to take me fly fishing, I wouldn't turn him down." My mother is horrified. "Jean, I hope they don't show up at my assisted living facility like some of those other politicians. They're attractive people but I'm not interested in hunting."

I try to tell all of them that she probably just bought it as a vacation home, a respite from frigid Alaska temperatures. It's not like they're going to be be our new neighbors.  I think Bristol's smart to invest in real estate. There are lots of bargains here now!

I told Maury if Bristol decides to "meet her neighbors" by introducing herself door to door I'll welcome her in and start a discussion about what to look for in a man. First, he shouldn't have ADD unless you want to picxk up after him all the time and secondly, cooking is a requirement.

Glee is excited about the prospect of be-friending her.  I think she wants to broaden her spectra of friends.  She doesn't have a political one and Bristol is going to be the closest she can get.  She's purchased a red, white and blue outfit with sequins for the imminent event of meeting her.

I think this is stressing me in Scottsdale!