Ian Atkinson > Quotes

“And I assure you, it isn’t easy either maintaining leverage or getting traction when one’s own body has about as much meat and muscle as a vegan’s breakfast.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“Unfortunately, whatever the noisome aberration was, now closing upon him with such scarifying and seemingly hostile intent, it threatened to be far worse than some excessively tetchy African herbivore with emotional containment issues.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re on a bit of a downer. A losing streak? Perhaps being deliberately overlooked by Lady Luck. You know, being victimised by the gods of chance.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Life’s a bastard, then you die: then death turns out to be a bit of an unholy bummer as well.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Life’s a bastard then you die. Then death seems determined to be a bigger bastard by setting demons loose on you.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“I was pretty sure I was about to have yet another paddle-less adventure up shit creek.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“No, this was naughty… Very naughty. When Dam found out who was responsible he’d… he’d… Well, he’d be very cross indeed.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I then realised that I hadn’t heard Tommy screaming for a good few moments. I looked over my shoulder to check on him.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I’ll remember the van’s number plate as long as I live though… metaphorically speaking again, of course… Well, I can’t actually recall the full index, but it definitely ended in DED. I remember thinking how mockingly memorable. The Grim Reaper; perchance a warped sense of the whimsical. The Angel of Death; in droll mood maybe.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Now even the most optimistic of you would surely have to admit that someone or something somewhere for some reason seemed to have it in for me, somewhat. Whereas everyone else’s dark clouds are apparently adorned with silver linings, mine just seem to have hungry demons crawling about inside them.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“They whooping and shrieking like an emaciated pack of desperate dingoes coming across a roadkill kangaroo.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Anarchy reigned. The scenario was chaotic. All was bedlam… Apparently my work here was done.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“Nestor Kaliman gave a chortle. He pointed an accusing finger at the abbot. “ ‘Solitary prayer retreat’, my arse,” he said, “You lie like a hippopotamus in a mud-hole. These lies being as big and bold as a buffalo’s bollocks. You are as crooked as a crocodile’s grin and as slimy as a lungfish. Deceit is written all over your fat porcine face, you treacherous old warthog.” He gave a scoffing huff. “A face with its attempts to conceal such guilt and deception now blushing as red as a baboon’s buttocks.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I was just making my third sauntering sortie into the study to check on Tommy, when the orange indicators on the side of our happy, little ‘Holidays from Hell’ tour bus took to blinking an unscheduled, and extremely sharp wrong turn from Lower Shit Street into Deep Cack Crescent.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“The zombified demons presumably used the area as a rooftop patio; probably for little alfresco get-togethers during the summer. How soddin’ twee. How very ruddy civilised. What a wonderful little sun trap. Crack open a few cold beers and throw another new born on the barbie, no doubt… Bastards.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“Rot gave a resigned shake of his head as he contemplated this particular crazy crumb in the whole towering ten tiers of this huge lunatic layer cake of craziness.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Do Archdemons suffer senile dementia?” The bearded one gave a cruel snigger. “What? You mean, Kird Vadu, the zombie who put the Zed in Alzheimer’s?”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“Nestor Kaliman understood alright. He understood implicitly. He understood he was up to his chin in a deep and glutinous midden of diarrhoeic camel droppings and apparently sinking fast.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“The particular night in question we were both not far off twenty-two. Damian a matter of days older than myself; which all things considered was a good age to be. Old enough to be treated like adults most of the time, but young enough to get away with acting juvenile and irresponsible when need arose…”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Dam was in the midst of one of his bloody deep breathing, Tai Chi, Yoga, Karma Karma friggin’ Chameleon relaxation technique thingy exercises.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Abbadon informed them, somewhat casually it has to be said, of the satanic small print; of the wicked remuneration required and the disgustingly dire addendums attached to such Devil dispensed extravagances.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“This severely crew-cutted, Mr Rambo, Die-Hard Terminator type, wore neither helmet nor goggles. He was also shirtless under his black, armoured vest and had two belts of oversized bullets slung over his shoulders and crossing at his chest. He obviously being one of a mind that size was indeed important, looking the butch business as he cradled an almightily impressive BFG in his bared, muscle-bound arms. The outer edge of the right one’s bicep having three stripes tattooed upon in… No, honestly. The huge weapon he held looked as if it’d been specifically designed for bringing down either crack addicted bull elephants, smack riddled rhinos in dire need, or heroin dependant hippos desperate for a fix.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“Jack Daniel’s is the answer but I can’t remember the question”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Let’s offer prayers and thanks to our own gods… The three of us… Myself to Allah. You to Jehovah. And our Viking friend to his mighty guardian, Odin. Let us offer grace to our differing divinities and take joy from our religious diversity.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“However, these modern day ‘zombies’ should more correctly be referred to as ZEDs… Zoobiotic Endoparasitical Demonimorphs… They actually being human victims of demonic possession.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“The sorry saga that follows primarily concerns the afterlife. Or more specifically, dead things that can’t or won’t call it quits; plus those demonic entities that insist possession is nine tenths of the law.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“As sportsmen ourselves we were absolute shite. No doubt Andrea Bocelli and Stephen Hawking would have given us a good pasting on either golf course or doubles court.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“As I sat there screaming, with all the butch machismo of a premenstrual Twilight groupie getting a first glimpse of that anaemic Edward actor arriving at a movie premiere, the closing fingers splayed wide with explosive enthusiasm.”
― Ian Atkinson, ROT & BYRNE: Life's a Bastard Then you Die, Part 2

“Helena Troy,” she offered, with another smile. “And before you say anything, I’ve heard them all before… ‘How’s Paris?’, ‘Your mate Achilles still having trouble with his heel?’, ‘Is there somewhere I can park my wooden horse?”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I was seemingly still lowest of the low. Going back to the airport analogy, I was apparently still stuck in the European departure lounge of Terminal 5 with my luggage on its way to Los Angeles; this with my empty wallet in a waste bin and my passport, cash and credit cards concealed in a pickpocket’s pantyhose. Theologically speaking, as far as the stairway to Heaven was concerned, I hadn’t even made the first step yet.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1