Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1 Quotes

“Unfortunately, whatever the noisome aberration was, now closing upon him with such scarifying and seemingly hostile intent, it threatened to be far worse than some excessively tetchy African herbivore with emotional containment issues.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“However, as I have learned over the years, when one’s boo seems all so tickety and one’s dory is so replete its verging on the hunky, I usually find that… And here I suppose I’ll no doubt be accused of reverting to type once more… Life tends to come along and callously swing a heavy booted foot towards one’s goolies…”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Now even the most optimistic of you would surely have to admit that someone or something somewhere for some reason seemed to have it in for me, somewhat. Whereas everyone else’s dark clouds are apparently adorned with silver linings, mine just seem to have hungry demons crawling about inside them.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Careful of those…!” I yelled too late, as yet another monument to mans’ all too short earthly existence was demolished. “Gravestones,” I added with a sigh.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Abbadon informed them, somewhat casually it has to be said, of the satanic small print; of the wicked remuneration required and the disgustingly dire addendums attached to such Devil dispensed extravagances.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Let’s offer prayers and thanks to our own gods… The three of us… Myself to Allah. You to Jehovah. And our Viking friend to his mighty guardian, Odin. Let us offer grace to our differing divinities and take joy from our religious diversity.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Nestor Kaliman gave a chortle. He pointed an accusing finger at the abbot. “ ‘Solitary prayer retreat’, my arse,” he said, “You lie like a hippopotamus in a mud-hole. These lies being as big and bold as a buffalo’s bollocks. You are as crooked as a crocodile’s grin and as slimy as a lungfish. Deceit is written all over your fat porcine face, you treacherous old warthog.” He gave a scoffing huff. “A face with its attempts to conceal such guilt and deception now blushing as red as a baboon’s buttocks.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Nestor Kaliman understood alright. He understood implicitly. He understood he was up to his chin in a deep and glutinous midden of diarrhoeic camel droppings and apparently sinking fast.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Life’s a bastard, then death comes along and craps on you from a great height as well.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I then realised that I hadn’t heard Tommy screaming for a good few moments. I looked over my shoulder to check on him.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Helena Troy,” she offered, with another smile. “And before you say anything, I’ve heard them all before… ‘How’s Paris?’, ‘Your mate Achilles still having trouble with his heel?’, ‘Is there somewhere I can park my wooden horse?”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“On his own admission he’d admit to being blessed with less literary talent than a speck of carpet fluff caught betwixt Terry Pratchett’s toes. Nope.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I was seemingly still lowest of the low. Going back to the airport analogy, I was apparently still stuck in the European departure lounge of Terminal 5 with my luggage on its way to Los Angeles; this with my empty wallet in a waste bin and my passport, cash and credit cards concealed in a pickpocket’s pantyhose. Theologically speaking, as far as the stairway to Heaven was concerned, I hadn’t even made the first step yet.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Rot gave a resigned shake of his head as he contemplated this particular crazy crumb in the whole towering ten tiers of this huge lunatic layer cake of craziness.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“With a vibrant, twisting wrench of its own enormous head, it decapitated its victim as easily and as enthusiastically as a starving vegetarian might bite the end off a ripe banana…”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“They whooping and shrieking like an emaciated pack of desperate dingoes coming across a roadkill kangaroo.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re on a bit of a downer. A losing streak? Perhaps being deliberately overlooked by Lady Luck. You know, being victimised by the gods of chance.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Life’s a bastard, then you die: then death turns out to be a bit of an unholy bummer as well.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Dam was in the midst of one of his bloody deep breathing, Tai Chi, Yoga, Karma Karma friggin’ Chameleon relaxation technique thingy exercises.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“No, this was naughty… Very naughty. When Dam found out who was responsible he’d… he’d… Well, he’d be very cross indeed.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“As sportsmen ourselves we were absolute shite. No doubt Andrea Bocelli and Stephen Hawking would have given us a good pasting on either golf course or doubles court.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“My once young, vibrant, beautifully sculpted Adonis body… well, young anyway… was now no more than some grisly, bile-inducing 3D jigsaw puzzle. My poor head had fared even worse. It having taken on the dimensions of a Domino’s Pizza. An Ultimate Deep Dish with extra pepperoni and tomato sauce topping. One dropped from a great height and then flamencoed on.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I’ll remember the van’s number plate as long as I live though… metaphorically speaking again, of course… Well, I can’t actually recall the full index, but it definitely ended in DED. I remember thinking how mockingly memorable. The Grim Reaper; perchance a warped sense of the whimsical. The Angel of Death; in droll mood maybe.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“Jack Daniel’s is the answer but I can’t remember the question”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“I was pretty sure I was about to have yet another paddle-less adventure up shit creek.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“The particular night in question we were both not far off twenty-two. Damian a matter of days older than myself; which all things considered was a good age to be. Old enough to be treated like adults most of the time, but young enough to get away with acting juvenile and irresponsible when need arose…”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“However, these modern day ‘zombies’ should more correctly be referred to as ZEDs… Zoobiotic Endoparasitical Demonimorphs… They actually being human victims of demonic possession.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1

“The sorry saga that follows primarily concerns the afterlife. Or more specifically, dead things that can’t or won’t call it quits; plus those demonic entities that insist possession is nine tenths of the law.”
― Ian Atkinson, Life's a Bastard Then You Die, Part 1