Mark Russell > Quotes

“When he arrived at the town of Bethel, he was teased by a group of boys who called him “baldy.” Elisha responded to their taunts by summoning a team of wild she-bears. The bears mauled the boys to death, leaving the bloody remains of forty-two children littered on the ground.  Nobody knows why Elisha didn’t just summon a full head of hair.”
― Mark Russell

“The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.”
― Mark Russell

“It might seem a little trite, all this trouble over a stupid wall. But you’ve got to understand, it was the wall that finally allowed people to return to Jerusalem without having to worry about being overrun by thieves, marauders, and rapists. A few hardscrabble pioneers can make a go of it in a lawless wasteland, but if you want the artists, priests, and scribes to come, then you need a wall to protect them. And those are the people who create your culture, write your history. It might be construction workers who build your nation, and soldiers who guard it, but it’s the nerds who make it a civilization.”
― Mark Russell

“God changed Jacob’s name to “Israel,” which means “one who wrestles with God.” As far as I know, Israel is still the only nation named after a wrestler.”
― Mark Russell

“If you have a mildew problem, you have to burn your clothes and blankets. If you have a wet dream, you have to take a bath. If you have a pus-filled sore, take a bath and then burn your clothes. If someone gets a skin disease, make him take a bath and shave off all his hair. If a man with eczema spits on you, you have to take a bath and burn all your clothes. If we can’t be the holiest people of all time, we’ll damn well be the cleanest.”
― Mark Russell

“In truth, though, God “discovered” the Promised Land in much the same way that my mother discovered the Olive Garden. Everybody already knew about it, and it was already full of people when she got there, but hey, unlimited breadsticks.”
― Mark Russell

“God’s one rule was that they couldn’t eat the fruit from this magical tree he’d planted in the center of the garden. I don’t know why he put it there. It just tied the whole garden together.”
― Mark Russell

“King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.”
― Mark Russell

“When the spies got inside Jericho’s wall, they made a beeline past the apartments and the wall-marts to the whorehouse, where they were taken in by a prostitute named Rahab, who agreed to hide the spies if the Israelites would take care of her when they conquered the city.  Not long after, the cops showed up at Rahab’s door and asked if they could look around. “We got a report of some suspicious characters lurking around here.” “This is a brothel,” she said, “we only get suspicious characters around here.” “These guys were foreigners. They wore tassels and smelled like sheep. They were missing a piece off their dicks. You notice anyone like that?” “Oh yeah, those guys were here, all right. They already left, though.” “Are you sure? They were seen here only about an hour ago.” “Most of my guests don’t stay more than ten minutes,” Rahab said. This story seemed to capture the cops’ imagination, so they left Rahab alone.”
― Mark Russell